Key & Peele – Boxing Press Conference

– THIS IS THE FIGHT EVERYBODY’S BEEN WAITING FOR, BUT WHEN I GET ANDRE IN THE RING, MAN, IT’S GONNA BE CRUEL AND QUICK, ‘CAUSE IT’S GONNA BE, LIKE, ONE-TWO, ONE-TWO, BOOM, AND YOU OUT. – MAN, [bleep] YOU, CLAUDIUS LEWIS. I’M GONNA [bleep] YOU RIGHT IN THE ASS. YEAH, I’M GONNA BEND YOU OVER

AND [bleep] YOU RIGHT IN THE ASS[bleep]. – ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? ANDRE, HE LIKE TO BE– TRY TO GET INTO HIS OPPONENTS’ HEADS BY SAYING CRAZY STUFF. HE AIN’T GONNA GET INTO MY HEAD. HE AIN’T GONNA GET INTO MY HEAD. – NO, I’M NOT GONNA GET IN YOUR HEAD.

I’M GONNA GET IN YOUR ASS[bleep] JUST LIKE I SAID, JUST RIGHT UP IN THERE IN THAT TINY, LITTLE, MINISCULE ASS[bleep] OF YOURS. THIS IS WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN. I’M GONNA TAKE YOU TO A NICE, HIGH-FANCY, HIGHFALUTIN RESTAURANT, AND I’M GONNA BUY YOU THINGS, WINE AND DINE YOU.

AND WE’RE GONNA FIND SOME THINGS THAT WE HAVE IN COMMON, AND THEY’RE GONNA BECOME INSIDE JOKES TO US. AND THEN, WE’RE JUST GONNA LAUGH ABOUT THEM IN THE TAXI ALL THE WAY TO YOUR HOUSE, WHERE I’M GONNA [bleep] YOU IN THE ASS. – OH, OKAY, NOW, JU– JUST ME P-PERSONALLY, I’VE NEVER–

YOU KNOW, I AIN’T EVER SEEN ANDRE TAKE IT THAT FAR BEFORE, BUT– [chuckles] WHAT–WHATEVER. – YEAH, WHATEVER. I’LL TELL YOU WHATEVER. WHATEVER, I’M GONNA FINALLY GONNA FEEL COMFORTABLE TAKING YOU OUT TO DINNER PARTIES. AND THEN, ALL OF OUR FRIENDS WHO ARE ALSO COUPLES, THEY’RE JUST GONNA LAUGH AT US

‘CAUSE WE’RE THAT COUPLE THAT HOLDS HANDS ALL THE TIME. AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, CLAUDIUS. WE LOVE EACH OTHER SO VERY MUCH THAT NO MATTER HOW TIRED I AM, NO MATTER HOW MUCH BULL[bleep] I’VE DEALT WITH OVER THE DAY, I’M JUST GONNA LEAVE IT AT THE DOOR

WHEN I [bleep] YOU IN THE ASS. – OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN? IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO STOP ALL THAT NONSENSE RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT? DID HE JUST SAY HE WAS GONNA TAKE ME TO DINNER PARTIES? – HE DID SAY “DINNER PARTIES.” – WE’RE GONNA SNUGGLE ON THE COUCH EVERY NIGHT.

I’M GONNA LET YOU PICK THE MOVIE, EVEN THOUGH YOU ALWAYS PICK THE MOVIE. THEN I’M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT FOR A WALK ON THE BEACH, AND THE MOONLIGHT’S GONNA BOUNCE OFF OF YOUR SCALP. AND I’M JUST GONNA KISS YOU SO TENDERLY WHILE THE WAVES BREAK, AND THEN RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THEN,

I’M GONNA [bleep] YOU IN THE SANDY ASS[bleep]. – ALL RIGHT, IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO SHUT YOUR FOOL MOUTH! – IS IT? IS IT TIME? – YES, IT IS TIME. IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH! – WE GONNA SPEND THE GOLDEN YEARS TOGETHER. – OH, YEAH? – YEAH.

– OH, YEAH? – YEAH. I’M GONNA SUPPORT YOU ALL THE WAY THROUGH YOUR RUN THROUGH CITY COUNCIL. YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, AND YOU’RE GONNA BE TIRED, AND EXHAUSTED, AND OVERWORKED, BUT WE’RE GONNA STILL FIND THE ENERGY TO GO ANTIQUING ON THE WEEKENDS. – OH, YEAH? AND THEN, YOU’RE GONNA BE ON YOUR DEATHBED,

AND YOU’RE GONNA BE SITTIN’ THERE, AND YOU’RE GONNA BE DYIN’. AND I’M GONNA BE RIGHT BESIDE YOU, AND I’M GONNA BE CRYIN’. AND RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU CROSS OVER FROM THIS WORLD INTO THE NEXT, I’M GONNA [bleep] YOU IN THE ASS[bleep]. – OH, MAN, I WISH YOU’D TRY.

– OH, YOU DO? – I WISH THAT YOU WOULD TRY. – WELL, WISH [bleep]ING GRANTED. [laughter] NO, I LOVE THE VILLAGE AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, BUT I’M TELLING YOU, IF WE CONTINUE TO SELF-SEGREGATE OURSELVES, THE ENTIRE GAY COMMUNITY’S GONNA CONTINUE TO BE “MARGARINE-IZED”

I WAS JUST SAYING THIS TO CLAUDIUS THE OTHER NIGHT RIGHT AFTER I [bleep] HIM IN THE ASS. – YEAH, HE DID, HE DID. – ANYWAY, ENOUGH POLITICS. CHEERS, EVERYONE.

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