[ Static, Pulsating ] – [ Man ] MARY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? – GO BACK! I’M DONE FOR! – OH, DEAR. – [ Pulsating ] [ Electronic Whirring ] – [ Yells ] – OH, NO. [ Gasping ] OKAY. YOU WIN. COME AND GET ME, LOBSTER. ♪♪ [ “Rock Lobster” Intro ]
♪ SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP, EWW SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP, EWW ♪ ♪ SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP, EWW SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP ♪ THAT’S IT. FINISHED AT LAST. ♪ EWW, SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP ♪ ♪ EWW, SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP ♪ THIS IS THE CINEMA! ♪ EWW AH, AH, AH, AH ♪ ♪♪ [ Fades ] [ Woman ] BENZER CALLED AND SAID THE MERCEDES WON’T BE READY TILL THURSDAY.
– INGA SAYS– – EXCUSE ME, UH, MR. SHELLDRAKE. LOU, I’M A LITTLE BUSY. WHAT DO YOU WANNA SAY TO ME, LOU? [ Pouts ] I THINK YOU’D BETTER TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ACCOUNTING PRINTOUT. [ Projector Whirring ] ♪♪ [ Sound Track: Orchestral Score ]
[ Woman ] STEVIE, TURN IT DOWN! MA, I’M WORKING. [ Mother ] I DON’T MIND YOU PLAYING IN YOUR ROOM, HONEY. JUST NOT SO LOUD! OKAY. OKAY. WAIT TILL UNCLE JOEY SEES HOW YOU SPENT HIS MONEY. YOU’LL BE SORRY! AW, MA. SEE, THE THING IS, LAST YEAR I LISTENED TO YOU…
AND UNDERREPORTED OUR INCOME FROM DICKY THE STICK. RIGHT. NOW, I DON’T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED, BUT IN SPITE OF ALL YOUR– HMM– EXTRAVAGANT EXPENSES, YOU ENDED UP WITH A PROFIT OF $13.5 MILLION. NOW, THAT CARRIED OVER TO– THAT’S NOT BAD, IS IT?
NO, IT’S VERY GOOD, SIR, BUT, YOU SEE, IT CARRIED OVER TO THIS YEAR. NOW, THAT MEANS THAT YOU OWE UNCLE SAM FOUR MILLION– JUST GIVE ME THE NUMBER. $4,365,222.47. FOUR MILLION– RIGHT. SUBTRACT THAT FROM THE 13– RIGHT. OKAY. THEN PAY IT OUT OF PROFITS.
[ Chuckles ] PROFITS? YES, WE HAVE PROFITS. GREAT. I HOPE SO. SIR, WE DON’T HAVE CASH. WHAT? IT’S REALLY VERY SIMPLE. THAT 90-FOOT BOAT SITTING OUT IN THE MARINA– WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO SELL IT? MM. POSSIBLY. YOUR TWO EX-WIVES? YOU CAN’T SELL EX-WIVES. THOSE OIL WELLS THAT DIDN’T… HIT.
YEAH. AND, REMEMBER, THAT MINOR STOCK CORRECTION HAPPENED. OKAY. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? IN OTHER WORDS, SIR, YOU HAVE ENOUGH CASH TO GET BY, RIGHT. BUT NOT ENOUGH TO PAY THE GOVERNMENT. OKAY. WELL, LOOK. I’M A CREATOR. I’M A PICTURE MAKER. I’M NOT A BUSINESSMAN.
LOU, I PAY YOU 200 GRAND A YEAR. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. YES, YOU DO. ALL RIGHT, SIR. I THINK THERE’S SOMETHING WE CAN DO. WHAT IS IT? TELL ME. WHAT WE NEED IS A TAX LOSS THIS YEAR. GREAT. LET’S FIND A TAX LOSS THIS YEAR. A PICTURE THAT LOSES MONEY.
WHAT? SHH. YOU DIDN’T HEAR THAT. IN THIS OFFICE, YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT? I’M IN THE BUSINESS OF MAKING HITS, NOT FLOPS. I’M SORRY. NO. LOU, YOU’RE ALMOST FIRED. SIR, SIR. PLEASE, I UNDERSTAND. BUT IF YOU DO NOT COME UP WITH A LOSER BY THE END OF THIS FISCAL TAX YEAR,
IT’S– [ Imitates Choking ] [ Imitates Choking ] [ Continue Imitations ] [ Coughs ] WHEN IS THE– [ Coughs ] WHEN IS THIS FISCAL TAX YEAR OVER? [ Gasps ] SIX DAYS. SIX? LET ME OUT OF HERE! NO! NO! DON’T JUMP! CALL THE POLICE! LET ME GO! [ Sirens Wailing ]
SHOULD I CALL DR. CHIANG SOO LING WA? I DON’T NEED AN ACUPUNCTURIST, SOMEONE STICKING PINS IN MY BEHIND. I DON’T NEED THAT. HOW ‘BOUT THAT HERBALIST? I DON’T NEED AN HERBALIST. I NEED A MOVIE– A TWO-BIT, LOUSY, STUPID LITTLE CHEAP MOVIE. ♪♪ [ “Rock Lobster” Intro ] ♪ SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP, EWW ♪ HI, TAMMI.
– I BROUGHT SOMETHING FOR YOU. – OH, THANKS, STEVIE. – EVERY GIRL NEEDS A TELEPHONE WITH FEET ON IT. – ♪ SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP ♪ REALLY, I’M FLATTERED. IT’S A LOVELY GIFT. ♪ SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP, EWW ♪ ♪ SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP ♪ I’M SURE MR. TELEPHONE WILL FEEL RIGHT AT HOME WITH HIS FRIENDS. ♪ AH, AH ♪
♪ AH, AH ♪ BUT, PLEASE– NO MORE. SOMETIMES I GET THE FEELING THEY MIGHT ALL GANG UP ON ME ONE NIGHT. WELL, I WISH THEY COULD GET MR. SHELLDRAKE TO TAKE A LOOK AT MY MOVIE. OH, I KNOW A WAY IN. [ On Intercom ] MR. SHELLDRAKE, IT’S STEVEN HOROWITZ AGAIN.
DO YOU HAVE TIME TO SEE HIS FILM TODAY? [ Mr. Shelldrake On Intercom ] OH, UH– [ Laughs, Speaks Gibberish ] [ Snoring ] [ Laughs ] MARVIN. [ Grunts ] YES, MR. SHELLDRAKE? THIS IS MARVIN, THE PROJECTIONIST. THIS IS– WHAT IS YOUR NAME? STEVEN. STEVEN.
YEAH. HE’S A BOY GENIUS. IS THAT A PIZZA? NO. THAT’S– NO. THAT’S HIS FILM. VERY FUNNY, MR. SHELLDRAKE. BE CAREFUL, PLEASE. THAT’S THE ONLY COPY. YEAH. PLEASE BE CAREFUL. SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN, STEVE– STEVEN, RIGHT? THANK YOU. YEAH. STEVEN.
[ Mr. Shelldrake ] YES. VERY GOOD. GO ON. TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR MOVIE. WELL, UM, IT– I’LL– SHH. THE PICTURE’S STARTED. ♪♪ [ Slow Guitar ] [ Woman ] ♪ HE CAME FROM THE STARS ♪ ♪ LOBSTER MAN FROM MARS ♪ ♪ EARTHMEN, BEWARE ♪ ♪ HE’S AFTER YOUR AIR ♪
♪ NO PLACE TO HIDE ♪ ♪ THE LOBSTER’S ♪ ♪ JUST OUTSIDE ♪♪ [ Man Narrating ] MANY BILLIONS OF YEARS AGO, AS THE OCEANS OF MARS BEGAN TO DRY UP, THE INHABITANTS OF THIS DESOLATE WORLD… WERE DRIVEN INTO UNDERGROUND CITIES, WHERE THEY LIVED FOR MANY EONS IN PEACE AND HARMONY,
UNTIL ONE DAY– SIRE! SIRE! I HAVE NEWS OF A MOST ASTOUNDING AND SINISTER NATURE. WHAT IS IT NOW, ASTROLOGER? ACCORDING TO OUR DIVINATIONS AND CALCULATIONS, MARS IS ABOUT TO RUN OUT OF AIR. THIS IS SERIOUS! WITHOUT AIR, WHAT WILL WE BREATHE? WE NEED HELP IMMEDIATELY. I SHALL CONSULT BRAINEX.
YOU CAN’T TRUST THE FUTURE OF OUR WORLD… TO THE LIKES OF BRAINEX. ONLY THE SECRETS OF THE ZODIAC CAN SAVE OUR PLANET. BE SILENT! REVEAL BRAINEX! HELLO! [ Speaking Martian ] [ King ] THE COURT ASTROLOGER SAYS WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF AIR. IS THIS TRUE? [ Warbling ] CLOAK MAN SPRECHEN BOGUS.
[ Continues In Martian ] WHAT CAN BE DONE TO AVOID THIS CATASTROPHE? BRAINEX “GOONO” LOOK AROUND, “KINGO.” [ Continues In Martian ] OH, NO. YOU DON’T MEAN– UH-OH. “LOBSTERNUS HORRIFICUS.” – CALL FOR THE LOBSTER MAN! – [ Man, Voice Booming ] CALL FOR THE LOBSTER MAN.
[ Man #2 ] CALL FOR THE LOBSTER MAN! [ Man #3 ] LOBSTER MAN! [ Growling Like Tiger ] [ Door Opens, Creaks ] [ Squishy Footsteps Approaching ] – [ Lobster Man Roars ] – [ Guard Shrieks ] – [ Screams ] – [ Screams ] – [ Screams ]
WHAT STINKS IN HERE? HOO-WHEE! I SMELL FISH. I HATE FISH. [ Growling ] LOBSTER MAN, WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM. MARS IS DYING. WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF AIR. [ Lobster Man ] SO? SO. I’M COMMANDING YOU TO GO WHERE THERE’S PLENTY OF AIR, GET IT AND BRING IT BACK TO US.
NO. NOT INTERESTED. BUT, LOBSTER MAN, THERE WILL BE PLENTY… OF TASTY, SOFT FOOD UNITS TO BE EATEN THERE. REMEMBER. ONCE YOU ARE OFF MARS, THERE IS NO LAW… THAT SAYS YOU CAN’T EAT FOOD WITHOUT SHELLS. HMM. I HAVEN’T HAD SOFT FOOD SINCE I WAS A MERE CRAYFISH.
THEN IT’S A DEAL? YEAH. SHAKE ON IT. JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN, I AM ASSIGNING THE MOMBO TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU. NOW, GO. GO NOW. I HATE FISH. EEH. [ Electronic Warbling ] [ Narrator ] A LONELY ROAD. A YOUNG COUPLE.
FEW COULD IMAGINE THE SINISTER FATE THAT AWAITED THESE UNSUSPECTING EARTHLINGS, AS FORCES FROM OUTER SPACE WERE ABOUT… TO INTERRUPT A LOVELY RIDE TO NOWHERE. WE REALLY ARE LUCKY THAT YOUR UNCLE’S GIVING YOU A JOB FOR THE SUMMER, JOHN. I’LL SAY, DARLING. I’VE BEEN PESTERING OLD UNCLE FREDDY… FOR ABSOLUTELY MONTHS FOR THIS JOB.
– WHAT TIME WAS HE EXPECTING US, HONEY? – ABOUT 3:00, I THINK. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 4:36. – WELL, THAT CAN’T BE RIGHT! – DAMN, THE LITTLE CHAPPIE’S GONE AND STOPPED AGAIN. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO GET YOUR WATCH FIXED. IT’S ALWAYS STOPPING AT 4:36.
[ John ] YEAH. STRANGE, ISN’T IT? [ Mary ] I WONDER WHERE WE COULD BE NOW. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. [ Engine Sputtering ] [ Mary ] WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE CAR? I DON’T KNOW. [ Wind Whistling ] [ Electronic Whooshing, Warbling ] [ Rapid-Fire Warbling, Explosion ]
WHAT WAS THAT? I DON’T KNOW. MAYBE IT WAS AN “AEROPLANE” CRASH! OH, MY GOODNESS! THERE MIGHT BE SURVIVORS! [ Ignition Turns Over ] IT’S MUST’VE CRASHED IN THAT CAVE! LOOK! TRACKS! IT’S AWFULLY DARK IN THERE. [ Mary ] YEAH. TOO DARK. [ Water Dripping Slowly ] [ Metal Clanking ]
I WONDER WHAT THIS IS FOR. – I SAY! IT’S A REAL, LIVE U.F.O.! – [ Warbling Continues ] YOU’D BETTER GET THE CAMERA. THEY’RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE THIS. GUARD THE SPACESHIP. [ Electronic Sensor Beeping ] [ Sucking Sound ] [ Gasps ] SHH. [ John ] I’LL BET THAT’S FROM MARS.
LET’S GO. THIS PLACE GIVES ME THE CREEPS. THEY’RE BOUND TO BELIEVE US NOW. [ Electrical Arcing ] [ Plates, Glasses Clinking ] ♪♪ [ Jazz Instrumental ] [ Chattering ] [ Exhales Forcefully ] HEY, BUDDY, YOU GOT A CIGARETTE? SURE, PAL. A CIGARETTE. GASPER. FLAME. TORCH. NICOTINE. LUNG ROCKET.
COFFIN NAIL. THROAT BOMB. TONSIL FIRE. MOUTH FLARE. GLOW PILL. [ Investigator Narrating ] SOMETIMES YOU GET A HUNCH. NOT AN IDEA, NOT EVEN A FEELING. MORE LIKE A RABBIT PUNCH TO THE BASE OF THE BRAIN. – WHAT’LL IT BE, KIDS? – HAVE YOU GOT A TELEPHONE? WE’VE JUST SEEN A SPACESHIP.
[ Scoffs ] YEAH. WITH LITTLE GREEN MEN TOO. [ Snickers ] NOW, HUSH UP, RUFUS. THE PHONE IS ON THE WALL RIGHT OVER THERE. [ Mary ] THANKS. OLD UNCLE FREDDY’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO. [ Grunting ] OH, BLAST. NO ANSWER. NOW WHAT? I’LL CALL THE AUTHORITIES.
[ Line Ringing ] HELLO? OPERATOR? CONNECT ME WITH THE AUTHORITIES AT ONCE. [ Ringing ] THIRTEENTH ARMY HEADQUARTERS, MILITARY INTELLIGENCE, DOMESTIC DIVISION, UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA DEPARTMENT, COLONEL ANKRUM SPEAKING. [ Person Chattering At High Speed ] WHAT? WHERE? [ High-Speed Chatter Continues ] HOW? WHO?
[ High-Speed Chatter Continues ] LISTEN, FELLA. THERE IS NO SUCH THING. GET ME THE PENTAGON. ♪♪ [ Jazz Instrumental ] [ Female Operator ] LONG DISTANCE. MAY I HELP YOU? YEAH, OPERATOR. I WANNA MAKE A COLLECT CALL. WOULD YOU TURN THAT THING DOWN, SIR? I CAN HARDLY HEAR YOU. OH. SORRY.
♪♪ [ Slows, Stops ] [ Operator ] I’M CONNECTING YOU NOW, SIR. YEAH. THIS IS A COLLECT CALL FROM TOMMY SLEDGE, P.I. [ John ] SOME DAMN CHEEK OF THAT GUY, SAYING THERE’S NO SUCH THINGS AS FLYING SAUCERS.
THE WORLD COULD BE IN AN AWFUL PREDICAMENT, AND THEY GO AND HANG UP ON ME. [ Woman On Phone ] SLEDGE INVESTIGATIONS. IT’S ME, DOLL. [ Woman ] OOH. WHAT GIVES, PALOOKA? I MAY BE LATE GETTING BACK. COUPLE OF KIDS JUST DROVE UP. THEY LOOK PRETTY SPOOKED.
COURSE, THEY MAY BE HOPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS, MAYBE SNIFFING SCROG, BLOBSY, CHUCKLE DUST, SMOKING BALES OF BIG MONK. [ Woman ] OOH, SOUNDS REAL EXCITIN’, BIG GUY. BUT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, THEY’RE TELLING THE TRUTH. [ Woman ] ABOUT WHAT, SLEDGEROO?
[ Sledge ] LISTEN, I GOTTA MOVE ON, GOTTA ANKLE IT, LAM IT, SPLIT, POUND MY DOGS, BEAT MY BOATS. – [ Stevie ] YOU LIKE IT? – IT’S WONDERFUL. YES. BEAUTIFUL COLOR. [ Stevie ] THIS IS THE GOOD PART. WAIT.
LET’S FIND A PLACE THAT CAN PROCESS THE FILM IN A HURRY, AND IN THE MEANTIME, NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE MARTIANS UNTIL WE SEE THE PICTURES. [ Tire Punctures, Air Hisses ] GREAT. WE GOT A SPARE, BUT NO JACK.
THAT GAS STATION OVER THERE CAN CHANGE THE TIRE WHILE WE GET THE FILM PROCESSED. GOOD THINKING. [ Horn Honking ] [ Man ] WHAT THE– HELLO THERE. SAY, YOU WANNA GET THAT FLAT TIRE FIXED? – [ John ] CAN YOU GET RIGHT ONTO IT? – YEAH. SURE.
JUST PULL IT INTO THIS EMPTY SERVICE BAY. COME ON. HERE YOU GO. THIS WAY. GOOD. GOOD. GOOD. JUST HOW LONG DO YOU THINK THIS IS GONNA TAKE, THEN? OH– HMM. COME BACK IN ABOUT AN HOUR, OKAY? FINE. HERE’S THE KEYS. SPARE’S IN THE BOOT. BOOT. OKAY.
OH, IS THERE A PLACE THAT WE CAN GET OUR FILM DEVELOPED? HUH. YEAH. YEAH. GOMER’S MOTEL CAN SEND IT OUT FOR YOU. PROBABLY WON’T COME BACK UNTIL TOMORROW, THOUGH. WE’LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT. TO GET TO GOMER’S MOTEL, YOU JUST GO DOWN HERE ABOUT THREE BLOCKS AND HANG A LEFT.
YOU KEEP ON WALKING UNTIL YOU COME TO THIS BIG OLD TREE STUMP. THEN YOU WANNA HANG A RIGHT. THEN YOU COME TO A FORK IN THE ROAD. OKAY. AT THE FORK IN THE ROAD, YOU WANNA GO LEFT, ‘CAUSE THAT’S RIGHT. – AND IF YOU GO RIGHT, THAT’S WRONG. – [ Electrical Arcing ]
[ Growling ] [ Yelping ] [ Screaming ] [ Munching ] RUFUS, WHY DON’T YOU PAY YOUR CHECK AND SHOVE OFF? – I’M TRYING TO CLOSE UP HERE. – HEY, NOT SO FAST. I WANNA SEE THE MARTIANS FIRST. I’LL GIVE YOU MARTIANS. NOW, EITHER BUY SOMETHING, OR I’M KICKING YOU OUT OF HERE.
HEY, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. I BOUGHT SOMETHING ONCE. WHAT’S THIS? YOU’VE BEEN CARRYIN’ THAT EMPTY CUP AROUND FOR TWO WEEKS. WELL, GIVE ME A REFILL. WHAT KIND OF JOINT IS THIS, ANYWAY? [ Groans ] ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST THIS ONE TIME, YA BUM. [ Groans ] WELL?
WELL, DON’T RILE ME. I GOTTA GO IN THE BACK AND GET SOME MORE COFFEE. WELL, GO GET IT. I’LL WATCH THE JOINT FOR YA. [ Electrical Arcing ] WHAT THE HELL? [ Heavy Footsteps ] UH-OH. [ Martian Gibberish ] NO! NO! NO, NO, NO! [ Screams ]
MEN FROM MARS OR A CRUEL HOAX? POLICE ARE INVESTIGATING THE STRANGE AND FANTASTIC DISCOVERY… MADE EARLIER TODAY ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN… AT ZIP’S LAST CHANCE GAS AND GRUB. HUNGRY PATRONS REPORT FINDING THE PLACE COMPLETELY DESERTED… WITH THE EXCEPTION OF TWO HUMAN SKELETONS. IS THIS THE WORK OF MARTIANS OR NATURAL CAUSES?
[ John ] DARLING, ISN’T THAT ZIP’S DINER, THE PLACE WHERE WE USED THE TELEPHONE? I’M TALKING WITH PROFESSOR FREDERICK PLOCOSTOMOS, PRESIDENT AND FOUNDER OF THE ASTRONOMICAL INSTITUTE. HEY, THAT’S OLD UNCLE FREDDY! HELLO, UNCLE! – WOW! – TELL ME, PROFESSOR. AS ONE OF THE MOST NOTED SCIENTISTS…
IN THE STUDY OF EXTRATERRESTRIAL PHENOMENA, DO YOU POSSIBLY THINK… THAT THE TERRIBLE EVENTS THAT OCCURRED EARLIER TODAY AT ZIP’S DINER… HAVE ANY RELATION WHATSOEVER TO MARTIANS? HMM. NO. THEN IS IT IMPOSSIBLE THAT CREATURES FROM SOME OTHER WORLD IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM… HAVE CLANDESTINELY INFILTRATED OUR SOPHISTICATED NETWORK…
OF MILITARY DETECTION SYSTEMS AND PERHAPS LANDED ON EARTH? HMM. NO. THEN JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK, PROFESSOR? I’M CONVINCED THAT THE ONLY KIND OF LIFE… THAT COULD SURVIVE ON MARS WOULD BE A GIANT CLAM. UH-HUH. THIS IS BIG DICK STRANGE SAYING SO LONG.
DO YOU THINK THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WE SAW IN THE DESERT? OF COURSE IT’S GOT SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT, SISTER. WAKE UP. JUMP-START THE GRAY CELLS. HAND-CRANK THE CRANIAL CASE. WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT THE BLAZES ARE YOU DOING IN OUR CLOSET? THE NAME: TOMMY SLEDGE, P.I.– PISSED INDEFINITELY–
AND I’M HERE BECAUSE A REWARD FOR CATCHING MARTIANS MEANS BIG BUCKS, MAJOR-LEAGUE MAZUMA, SERIOUS SPINACH, CABBAGE, GITAS, LETTUCE. WELL, I JUST SUGGEST YOU LEAVE OUR ROOM IMMEDIATELY, OR I’M GONNA CALL THE POLICE. THAT’S JAKE WITH ME, KIDS, BUT I’M PUTTIN’ A TAIL ON YOU, MAYBE A PIG SNOUT AND FLOPPY EARS.
AND I WON’T BE FAR AWAY. [ Crickets Chirping ] HMM. [ Gastric Swishing ] [ Swishing Continues ] HUH? [ Yelping ] [ Creature Cackling ] [ Man Yelps ] – [ Gasps ] – [ Creature Squawking, Cackling ] [ Gasps ] [ Screeching ] [ Continues Screeching ] [ Gasps ]
[ Dog Barking, Distant ] [ Man ] SO, THIS IS PRETTY NICE, HUH? [ Woman ] YEAH. IT’S REAL NICE. [ Man ] IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE WE’RE SO CLOSE TO THE CITY, BUT IT FEELS LIKE THE COUNTRY, YOU KNOW? IT’S REAL HARD TO BELIEVE.
SO YOU’RE A FRIEND OF MELISSA’S, AREN’T YA? YEAH. YEAH. SHE’S A NICE GIRL. SHE REALLY IS NICE. I LIKE HER. REAL NICE. YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE THE CUTEST LITTLE EAR. I JUST WANNA NIBBLE AT IT. YOU KNOW, I DON’T THINK SO.
I DON’T THINK SO. I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE AFTER, AND I’M NOT INTERESTED. I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU’RE USED TO GOING OUT WITH, BUT YOU’RE NOT USED TO GOING OUT WITH ME. I WAS HOPING FOR SOME KIND OF CONVERSATION HERE. [ Screeching Laugh ] YOU’RE TEASIN’, RIGHT? YOU.
HERE. CAN YOU GET THIS? BACK HERE. THIS LITTLE HOOK HERE. I’M NOT TEASIN’! I’M SERIOUS! BACK OFF A LITTLE. I FEEL– OH, COME ON. I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT. I’M GONNA TAKE A BREATHER. GEEZ. WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU GO–
WELL, COME RIGHT BACK! MAYBE I’LL HAVE TIME FOR ANOTHER DATE YET TONIGHT. [ Whooshing ] OH, SO YOU’RE BACK, HUH? DID YOU COOL OFF, ‘CAUSE I KNOW I DID. – [ Wolf Whistles ] – [ Screams ] [ Creature Cackles ] NO! NO! NO!
OHH. I CAN’T STAND THE SIGHT OF DEATH. [ Screaming Continues ] [ Bell Rings ] [ Bell Rings ] ARE THE SNAPSHOTS READY YET? WELL, HERE THEY ARE: THE PICTURES THAT’LL ASTOUND THE WORLD. OPEN IT UP. I CAN HARDLY WAIT. OH, BLAST. WHAT’S WRONG? THEY’RE BLANK. BLANK?
DAMN! MUST’VE BEEN THE RADIATION. OR YOU LEFT THE LENS CAP ON. YEAH. IT MUST BE THE RADIATION. THERE IS ONLY ONE THING WE CAN DO. YOU MEAN– YES. LET’S GET OUR MONEY BACK. [ Intercom Buzzes ] [ Simulates Gunfire ]
YES? [ Man ] WE HAVE THE PENTAGON ON THE LINE FOR YOU, SIR. AND ABOUT TIME TOO. [ Clears Throat ] COLONEL ANKRUM HERE. [ Person Chattering At High Speed ] YES, SIR. THE BOGEY WAS SPOTTED BY TWO CIVILIANS… AT APPROXIMATELY 1600 HOURS YESTERDAY, SIR. [ High-Speed Chatter ]
OH, YES, SIR. RADAR CONFIRMED THE VISUAL CONTACT. [ High-Speed Chatter ] OH, ABSOLUTELY. WE’LL KEEP A TIGHT LID ON THIS ONE, SIR. [ High-Speed Chatter ] WELL, I WOULD RECOMMEND THAT WE RECONNOITER THE ENTIRE PERIMETER… OF SECTOR T.M.A.-1 IN THE EVENT OF AN AFFIRMATIVE EXTRATERRESTRIAL ACTUALITY.
[ High-Speed Chatter ] YES, SIR. HUSH, HUSH. I WON’T EVEN MAKE OUT A REPORT ON THIS ONE, SIR. [ High-Speed Chatter ] YES, SIR. WELL, THANK YOU, SIR. GOOD-BYE, SIR. [ High-Speed Chatter ] [ Sighs ] SERGEANT SCHWARTZ, THEY DIDN’T BELIEVE ME AGAIN. [ Wind Whistling ]
HA– HA– HAVE A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH THE TIRE? [ Robotic Voice ] IT IS READY, SIR. WHAT’S THE DAMAGE? THERE IS… NO CHARGE, SIR. BYE. WE’D BETTER GET TO UNCLE’S. I BET HE CAN EXPLAIN ALL THE WEIRD THINGS GOING ON. I SURE HOPE SO.
WHY ARE YOU ROLLING UP MY WINDOW? I DIDN’T TOUCH ANYTHING. [ Horn Honking ] [ Mary ] WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THE TOP UP? [ John ] I TOLD YOU, DARLING. I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING. THIS CAR, IT SEEMS TO HAVE A LIFE OF ITS OWN. [ Horn Honking ]
[ Mary ] WHERE ARE YOU GOING? [ John ] I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M BLOODY GOING! THIS IS ALL GOING BY ITSELF! [ Car Backfiring ] [ Ignition Starts ] [ Sledge Narrating ] SOMETIMES YOU GET A HUNCH.
NOT AN IDEA, NOT EVEN A FEELING. MORE LIKE A RABBIT PUNCH TO THE BASE OF THE BRAIN. [ Engine Sputtering ] [ Backfiring Continues ] [ Electronic Pulsing ] OH, JOHN, WHAT IS IT? WHATEVER IT IS, IT’S NOT OF THIS EARTH. [ Lobster Man ] QUITE CORRECT, EARTHMAN.
BUT YOU WILL NOT SHARE YOUR KNOWLEDGE. [ Creature Growling ] [ Both Screaming ] [ Growling Continues ] [ Lobster Man ] MOMBO, LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE. YOU’VE FRIGHTENED MY SNACK. SEIZE THEM. HAVE YOU DUBBED IT IN ENGLISH? [ Mombo Growling ] I THINK WE LOST HIM. [ Growling ]
GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU BIG APE. PUT ME DOWN! JOHN, HELP! HELP! OHH. – [ Woozy Laughter ] – [ Mary ] HIT HIM. HIT HIM AGAIN, JOHN. – HIT HIM! HIT HIM! THERE YOU GO! – [ Mombo ] WHOO. [ LAUGHS ] [ Growls Softly ] [ Blubbering Zanily ]
– [ John Grunting ] – [ Mombo Laughing ] [ Mombo Screeching Like Monkey ] [ Air Hose Pops, Hisses ] JOHN, LET’S GET OUT OF HERE. I DO HOPE OLD UNCLE FREDDY’S IN. WE’RE FRIGHTFULLY LATE. [ Liquid Bubbling ] PROFESSOR? DON’T BOTHER ME. THERE’S A VERY IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT GOING ON.
BUT IT’S ME. JOHN. SCRAM. BUT WE’VE SEEN THE MONSTERS FROM OUTER SPACE. WAIT A MINUTE. [ Swallows Hard ] THEY CAN HAVE THEIR MOON ROCKS. I’LL TAKE MY MOONSHINE. WELL, WHAT DO YOU– MY DEAR BOY. IT’S YOU! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO?
WELL, THE TWO OF YOU ARRIVED JUST IN TIME TO CATCH SOME MARTIANS. AND WE SAW THEM, UNCLE. YOU’RE KIDDING. GIANT CLAMS, RIGHT? WELL, ONE OF ‘EM WAS A GORILLA, AND THE OTHER WAS A GIANT LOBSTER. WHICH ONE WAS IN CHARGE? THE LOBSTER. THAT’S IT! MY THEORIES ARE CORRECT. NOBEL PRIZE, HERE I COME!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? DIDN’T YOU SEE ME ON TV? YES! YOU TALKED ABOUT THE ENORMOUS PRESSURES ON MARS… AND THE NEED OF A HEARTY RACE TO SURVIVE IN SUCH BLEAK CONDITIONS. EXACTLY! SOMETHING WITH A TOUGH HIDE, LIKE A CLAM OR A SHRIMP OR A– LOBSTER! OF COURSE! IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE!
AND THE GORILLA WOULD BE THE SLAVE. [ Telephone Ringing ] WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE? THEIR PURPOSE IS CLEAR, MAYBE NOT TO YOU, BUT TO ME. [ Telephone Continues Ringing ] WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY MOVIE SO FAR? [ Chuckles ]
UH, HELLO? [ Tammi On Phone ] DID YOU TELL MRS. SHELLDRAKE… SHE COULD TAKE YOUR YACHT OUT FOR A SPIN? WHAT? WHICH MRS. SHELLDRAKE? [ Tammi ] THE NUT. THEY’RE BOTH NUTS. [ Tammi ] WELL, THIS COAST GUARD GUY WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOU’RE GONNA HANDLE THE SALVAGE RIGHTS.
UH, TAMMI, CALL MY ATTORNEY, THE WEALTHY ONE. LET HIM TAKE CARE OF IT FOR ME, OKAY? THANK YOU. BYE. BYE. DO YOU LIKE IT SO FAR? OH, UM– [ Chuckles Uncomfortably, Speaks Gibberish ] [ Narrator ] IT WAS HEINOUS ENOUGH THAT THE DEMENTED LOBSTER MAN… WOULD STEAL THE LIFE-GIVING ATMOSPHERE OF EARTH,
BUT HIS APPETITE FOR PERVERSION KNEW NO LIMITS. [ Lobster Man Growling ] [ Lobster Man ] OOH. [ Screaming ] AHH! [ Chuckling ] [ Grunting ] ♪♪ [ Bugle: “Charge” ] [ Growling ] ♪♪ [ Circus ] [ Speaking Gibberish ] [ Gasps ] THEY GOT NOSE-O!
THAT DOES IT. I’M CALLING THE AUTHORITIES. – WE’VE ALREADY TRIED. – AND THAT COLONEL ANKRUM WASN’T TOO BLOODY INTERESTED. LET ME TALK TO HIM. HELLO? AUTHORITIES? THIS IS PROFESSOR PLOCOSTOMOS. I WANT TO TALK TO COLONEL ANKRUM. IT’S ABOUT THOSE MARTIANS THAT LANDED IN THE DESERT. WHAT? THE FOOL!
WHAT HAPPENED? HE’S ALREADY ON HIS WAY TO THE LANDING SITE. HE BELIEVED YOUR STORY AFTER ALL. I’M AFRAID HE ONLY TOOK A SMALL STAFF WITH HIM. HE DOESN’T STAND A CHANCE… AGAINST THE LOBSTER MAN FROM MARS. SCHWARTZ? YES, SIR. WHATEVER IT IS, IT’S IN THERE.
I THINK YOU’RE RIGHT, SIR. LOOK AT THESE GLITTERY TRACKS LEADING INTO THE CAVE. DON’T TOUCH THAT! IT MIGHT BE ATOMIC. [ Sensor Whirring, Crackling ] YOU’RE RIGHT, SIR. IT’S HALFWAY OFF THE SCALE. I DON’T KNOW WHETHER THIS MENACE IS FROM OUTER SPACE OR RUSSIA, BUT EITHER WAY, IT’S THE ENEMY.
WE’VE GOTTA STOP IT BEFORE THINGS GET WORSE. SERGEANT SCHWARTZ? YES, SIR? WHATEVER’S IN THAT CAVE, YOU GO IN THERE AND SHOOT IT DEAD. YES, SIR. [ Wind Whistling ] [ Bird-Like Screeching, Squawking ] [ Rapid Gunfire ] [ Shouting ] [ Electronic Warbling ] I WANNA SEE EVERY FRAME.
[ Bat Whooping, Screeching ] [ Gunfire ] [ Bat Cackling ] WHEE! [ Fading Laugh ] HELLO? IS SKIPPER BRUCE AROUND? BRUCE! IT’S PROFESSOR PLOCOSTOMOS. FINE, AND YOU? CAN YOU COME ROUND TO THE LAB RIGHT AWAY? IT’S A LOBSTER. A BIG ONE! GREAT. BYE-BYE, BRUCE.
WHO WAS THAT? THAT’S SKIPPER BRUCE, THE BEST LOBSTER FISHERMAN I KNOW. HE’LL HELP US. HE’LL BE HERE SOON. [ Knocking ] GOLLY, THAT WAS FAST. COLONEL ANKRUM, WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE. H.Q. INFORMED ME THAT YOU TELEPHONED MY OFFICE. APPARENTLY, YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.
AND THIS– THIS IS WHAT’S LEFT OF MY TRUSTY AIDE, SERGEANT SCHWARTZ. [ Clanking ] OHH. [ Wind Whistling ] AMAZING. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. IT’S NOTHING THAT’S EVER BEEN SEEN ON EARTH BEFORE. DEFINITELY OF MARTIAN ORIGIN. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT, PROFESSOR?
OH, MARY, BE A GOOD GIRL. GO INTO THE KITCHEN, MAKE A NICE, HOT CUP OF TEA. AND REMEMBER: THE POT TO THE KETTLE, NOT THE KETTLE TO THE POT. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA, COLONEL? YOU, JOHN? OH, YES.
AND, DARLING, DON’T FORGET: MILK IN FIRST. THERE’S A DEAR. I’LL BE BACK IN A BIT. [ Electronic Warbling, Pulsating ] WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF IT, UNCLE? FIRST, WE SHOULD FIND OUT WHY THAT PULSATION IS IN THE AREA WHERE THE HEART SHOULD BE.
DO YOU THINK IT’S STILL ALIVE THEN? ALIVE? WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING? I PUT 50 SLUGS IN IT. IT’S DEADER THAN A SON OF A BITCH. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL AN ALIEN SPACE BAT WITH BULLETS? [ Scoffs ] LOOK! THE WOUNDS ARE BEGINNING TO HEAL THEMSELVES.
WHAT AN ORGANISM! IT’S NOT UNLIKE AN INTELLIGENT VEGETABLE. GENTLEMEN, WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS AN INTELLECTUAL CUCUMBER. THE MIND BOGGLES. BUT IF IT’S REVIVING, IT MIGHT ATTACK US ANY MOMENT! WHAT COULD WE DO? I SAW IT FOR THE FIRST TIME FIVE MINUTES AGO. YOU EXPECT A WHOLE BIG ANALYSIS? HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
WILL YOU TWO MENTAL MIDGETS QUIT QUIBBLING? WE’VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING, OR ELSE THE WHOLE UNITED STATES IS IN BIG TROUBLE. WELL, WHAT CAN WE DO? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WE CAN DO. WE CAN FLUSH THE GODDAMN THING DOWN THE GODDAMN TOILET. IS THAT THE SOLUTION YOU MILITARY GENIUSES CAN COME UP WITH?
THIS HAS TO BE PRESERVED FOR THE SAKE OF SCIENCE. SCIENCE, MY ASS. BACK IN W.W. II, WE’D HAVE FLUSHED FIRST AND ASKED QUESTIONS LATER. IS THAT SO? WELL, WE’LL DO THINGS MY WAY, YOU MILITARY MORON. NOW, YOU WATCH IT, DR. JEKYLL. DON’T GET ME MAD, OR I’LL REALLY GET SORE.
WE DO THINGS BY THE BOOK! AND WHAT BOOK IS THAT? WHO’S WHO IN OUTER SPACE? HA, HA, HA. IF ONLY PATTON WERE ALIVE, HE’D SHOW YOU INTELLECTUAL EGGHEADS A THING OR TWO. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE LOBSTER MAN? – [ Nails Scratching Chalkboard ] – [ All Groaning ]
WHAT’S ALL THIS FUSS ABOUT A LOBSTER MAN? – WHO’S THIS FRUITCAKE? – I BE SKIPPER BRUCE. AH! BRUCIE, DELIGHTED YOU COULD MAKE IT. DO YOU THINK YOU COULD CATCH A SIX-FOOT LOBSTER FROM MARS? HA! NOW, LISTEN, AND LISTEN GOOD. I BEEN LOBSTERIN’ FOR 23 YEARS, MAN AND BOY,
AND I NEVER MET ONE I COULDN’T SNAG. WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS? [ Gasps ] [ Pulsating Resumes ] [ Shrieks ] [ Chittering ] [ Bat Cackling, Warbling ] DAMN. THAT SUCKER’S FAST. IT JAMMED. JAMMED? QUICK! BURN IT! [ Colonel ] YEAH. I’LL COVER YOU. [ Bat Continues Taunting ]
[ Bat Whoops, Cackles ] [ Bat Babbling ] [ Bat Shrieks ] [ Bat Giggling ] [ Bat Shrieking ] [ Bat Resumes Cackling, Whooping ] [ Sniffing ] [ Laughing Devilishly ] [ Screams ] WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! – [ Chittering ] – [ Screams ]
TEA FOR TWO, AND TWO FOR TEA. [ Gasps ] [ Bat Squeals, Cackles ] [ Cackle Fades, Bat Whimpers ] [ Gurgling, Flatulent Sound ] [ Professor ] THAT’S IT. THROW BOILING WATER ON IT– AS MASTER CHEFS HAVE, IN THEIR INFINITE WISDOM, BEEN DEALING WITH LOBSTERS FOR CENTURIES. BUT THAT WASN’T A LOBSTER.
MARY, WE SEEM TO HAVE RUN OUT OF YOUR EXCELLENT TEA. BE A GOOD GIRL. GO IN THE KITCHEN AND BREW US SOME MORE. BUT I JUST– NOW, LISTEN, SWEETHEART. YOU DON’T WANNA WORRY THAT PRETTY LITTLE HEAD OF YOURS WITH A LOT OF MAN TALK, DO YA?
WELL, WE JUST– NO. NO. WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO IN THE KITCHEN, MAKE SOME MORE TEA AND LEAVE THE MARTIANS TO US? UNCLE, YOU CAN’T REALLY EXPECT US TO RUN OFF THIS LOBSTER MAN… WITH A POT OF BOILING WATER, CAN YOU? MM. THE BOY’S RIGHT. BUT FOUR DIVISIONS,
FULLY ARMED WITH POTS OF BOILING WATER, NOW WE’VE GOT SOMETHING. WAIT A MINUTE. WHY SHOULD WE RUN AFTER THE LOBSTER MAN WITH POTS OF BOILING WATER, WHICH WILL COOL IN MINUTES? LET HIM COME TO US. WE CAN SET A TRAP… AT THE ALLEGEDLY HAUNTED THROCKMORTON ESTATES– WHICH TEEM WITH NATURAL HOT SPRINGS.
ALL RIGHT. I’LL CALL THE PENTAGON. I’LL ORDER UP 10,000 BATTLE-READY TROOPS. WE DON’T WANT YOUR TROOPS SCREWING IT UP! IF YOU WERE A LOBSTER MAN, WOULD YOU ENTER A HAUNTED HOUSE SURROUNDED BY ARTILLERY? UNCLE’S RIGHT, COLONEL. YOU HAVE TO LET US GIVE IT A GO. ALL RIGHT. I’LL GIVE YOU 12 HOURS,
AND THEN I BLAST THE CRAP OUT OF ‘IM. TEA… FOR THREE MALE-CHAUVINIST PIGS. WHO ARE YOU CALLING, UNCLE? THROCKMORTON, OF COURSE. [ Professor ] OH, HELLO, MR. THROCKMORTON. I’D LIKE TO ASK A FAVOR. I HAVE SOME FRIENDS IN FROM BOISE.
I’D LIKE TO GIVE THEM A LITTLE THRILL– TO SEE YOUR HOUSE AND HOT SPRINGS. HOW MANY? OOH, TWO, PLUS MYSELF. EH? I UNDERSTAND. GOOD-BYE, MR. THROCKMORTON. WELL, DO WE HAVE HIS PERMISSION, UNCLE? YES, BUT ONLY IF HIS SPIRIT GUIDE SAYS IT’S OKAY. YOU’VE GOTTA BE KIDDING! OH, NO.
NO. WE PUT UP WITH HIS LITTLE SPOOK SHOW FOR TEN MINUTES; THEN WE USE HIS HOT SPRINGS TO COOK THE LOBSTER MAN’S GOOSE. ♪♪ [ “The Ride Of The Valkyrie” ] HELLO! [ Gibberish ] UH-OH. SPOOKY THROCKMORTON! HMM. “BLABBUS LOBSTERNUS HORRIFICUS.” [ Owl Hooting ] [ John ] AH.
IT’S A BIT OF A SPOOKY OLD PLACE, UNCLE. NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF. IT SIMPLY EXUDES MYSTERY AND SUSPENSE. OH, YEAH. IT’S GOT QUITE A NASTY HISTORY. IN 1783, IT WAS BUILT ON AN OLD ESKIMO GRAVEYARD… BY EBENEZER THROCKMORTON, WHO DIED MYSTERIOUSLY ON HIS WEDDING NIGHT,
STRANGLED BY THE SHEETS OF HIS MARRIAGE BED. THE NEWLYWED MRS. THROCKMORTON WAS NEVER FOUND. YEARS LATER, THEIR CHILDREN SUFFERED THE SAME FATE. THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. DON’T QUESTION THE POWERS OF DARKNESS, MY DEAR. THESE THINGS ARE FAR BEYOND OUR UNDERSTANDING. [ Animal Howling, Distant ]
MR. THROCKMORTON IS THE LAST OF THE CLAN. WHEN HE DIES, DO YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THESE MUSTY CORRIDORS? – NO. WHAT? – THEY SAY THE HOUSE WILL DIE WITH HIM. THE LAST OF THE THROCKMORTONS. THEN THE BLOODY HANDS OF THE MILLION TORTURED AND SLEEPLESS SOULS…
WILL REACH OUT FROM THE GRAVE TO TOUCH THE LIVING! – [ Gasps ] – [ Gasps ] – [ Door Opens ] – [ All Gasp ] [ Imitating Boris Karloff ] GOOD EVENING. [ Thunderclap ] THE MASTER WAS EXPECTING ONLY THREE PEOPLE THIS EVENING. OH, THE COLONEL ISN’T STAYING, ARE YOU?
PROFESSOR PLOCOSTOMOS, IF I COULD JUST HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, PLEASE. EXCUSE ME, PLEASE. I’M HANDLING THIS. IF YOU SCREW IT UP, YOU’LL HAVE TO ANSWER FOR THE CONSEQUENCES. PROFESSOR, YOU HAVE LESS THAN TWO HOURS BEFORE I ORDER IN MY TROOPS, WHO ARE ASSEMBLING EVEN AS WE SPEAK.
I’M OFF TO JOIN MY TROOPS, AND AT 2100 HOURS– THAT’S 9:00 TO YOU– KABOOM! [ Thunderclap ] MR. THROCKMORTON. WELCOME. WELCOME TO THE HOUSE OF THROCKMORTON. [ Thunderclap ] IT IS TIME. [ Sledge Narrating ] SOMETIMES YOU GET A HUNCH. NOT AN IDEA, NOT EVEN A FEELING.
MORE LIKE A RABBIT PUNCH TO THE BASE OF THE– [ Throckmorton ] RIGHT THIS WAY. THIS IS THE RED ROOM, THE HEART OF THE THROCKMORTON ESTATE. [ Thunderclap ] MAKE YOURSELVES FEEL RIGHT AT HOME. MARY. PROFESSOR. [ Chuckles ] OH. JOHN. NOW, LET’S JOIN HANDS SO THAT OUR PHYSICAL CONTACT…
MAY PROVE A CONDUCTOR OF OUR SPIRITUAL ENERGY. AND LET’S CLOSE OUR EYES. ♪♪ [ Chanting Continues ] OH, SPIRITS OF THE NIGHT, HEAR MY PLEAS. – [ Throckmorton Over Speaker ] COME FORTH! – [ Grumbling, Indistinct ] [ Wind Whistling, Thunderclap ] [ Thunderclaps ] OH, SPIRIT,
SHOW US THE SIGN OF YOUR ALL-POWERFUL PRESENCE. [ Apparition Laughing ] [ Bat Squeaking ] [ Hammer Clanks ] [ John Grunts ] OHH. UH, THE SPIRITS SEEM TO BE IN A PLAYFUL MOOD TONIGHT. YOU MAY NOW MAKE YOUR REQUEST TO THE SPIRITS, PROFESSOR PLOCOSTOMOS.
OH, WISE AND POWERFUL SPIRIT, COME IN FROM THE DARKNESS… [ Over Speaker ] AND ANSWER MY QUESTION. [ Muffled Speech ] CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR DIVINE WISDOM TO GRANT US PERMISSION TO CONDUCT… SOME SIMPLE AND HARMLESS SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENTS IN THE NATURAL HOT SPRINGS?
[ Lobster Man ] YOU WILL NOT LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO CONDUCT ANY EXPERIMENTS. – [ Screaming ] – [ Weapon Pulsating ] [ Screaming Continues ] [ Screaming ] [ Cackling ] [ Laughing Stops ] [ Film Sprockets Tearing ] DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. MARVIN’S A GENIUS WITH BURNED FILM.
[ Muttering, Indistinct ] ♪♪ [ Theremin Sound Track Resumes ] [ John Screams ] [ Professor ] COME ON! – THREE MINUTES TO GO. – [ Lobster Man Growling ] [ Lobster Man ] YOU. NOW YOU ARE MINE! FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE. FIRE! [ John ] WE MADE IT. OH, YEAH?
[ Falling Projectile Whistling ] WHERE’S THE GIRL? [ Whistling Continues ] [ Together ] MARY! [ Explosions Continue ] [ Sobbing, Whimpering ] MY MARY. [ Sniffles ] SON, IT’S TIMES LIKE THESE… WHEN YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE. SO LET’S ALL BOW OUR HEADS IN SILENCE. LET’S REMEMBER THAT…
OUR ONLY REGRET SHOULD BE THAT SHE HAD BUT ONE LIFE TO GIVE FOR HER COUNTRY. COLONEL, FEAST YOUR PEEPERS ON THIS. WHO IN THE HELL ARE YOU? ME? I’M JUST A PASSERBY FROM PALOOKAVILLE. A REGULAR JUG-EARED JOE. A PLAINSPOKEN, GASPER-SMOKIN’, CREW-CUT, AMPLE-JAWED, DUMB BUT LUCKY–
CUT THE CRAP. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. OKAY. ALL RIGHT, PAL. MY NAME’S SLEDGE. AND LOOK AT THIS. LOBSTER TRACKS. BUT WHAT’S THIS MEAN? IT MEANS THAT EITHER HE ESCAPED, OR HE WALKED BACKWARDS FROM THE HORIZON TO COMMIT SUICIDE IN THIS BONFIRE. SO THE LOBSTER MAN LIVES. THEN MAYBE MARY LIVES TOO.
WHERE THERE’S HOPE, THERE’S A CHANCE. TOO BAD THE HOUSE FELL INTO THE HOT SPRINGS. I’LL HAVE TO THINK UP ANOTHER METHOD… TO DESTROY THE LOBSTER MAN FROM MARS. UNCHAIN ME, YOU CRUSTACEAN BEAST. DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A FOOL? I KNOW THAT AS SOON AS YOUR BONDS ARE LOOSENED, YOU WILL RUN AWAY.
I PROMISE I WON’T. VERY WELL. MOMBO, COME HERE. YOU CAN FINISH YOUR WORK ON THE AIR COLLECTOR– I MEAN, THE AIR CONDITIONING– LATER. UNTIE THIS EARTHMAN, AND IF HE TRIES TO ESCAPE, DESTROY HIM. ARE YOU REALLY FROM MARS? O UNFORTUNATE PLANET!
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? [ Sobs ] I COME FROM A PEACE-LOVING PLANET. WE WERE ALL LIVING IN HARMONIC CONVERGENCE– IN THE COOL SPIRIT OF COSMIC BROTHERHOOD AND FRATERNITY– AND THEN THEY CAME. WHO? THE EVIL BUNNY MEN… FROM NEPTUNE. WONDERFUL. WITH THEIR SICKENING LONG EARS… AND THEIR HORRIFYINGLY PINK NOSES,
THEY RAINED DOWN UPON US IN NEVER ENDING HORDES. WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME? I MEAN YOU NO HARM. I MERELY WISH TO FINISH MY EXISTENCE IN THIS CAVE– ISOLATED FROM THE PEOPLE OF YOUR WORLD, IN MOURNING FOR THE PEOPLE OF MINE– ALONE, EXCEPT FOR PROFESSOR MOMBO.
HOW DO I KNOW YOU’RE TELLING THE TRUTH? GO! I RELEASE YOU NOW. BRING YOUR FRIENDS HERE, SO THAT I MAY IMPRESS UPON THEM THE INNOCENCE OF MY INTENTIONS. YOU MEAN I CAN LEAVE? YES! YES! YOU’RE FREE. OKAY. BYE. GOOD-BYE. [ Laughing ] THE LITTLE FOOL!
WHEN SHE RETURNS WITH HER COMRADES, WE SHALL HAVE ONE GLORIOUS LAST SUPPER, THEN YOU CAN FINISH THE AIR-COLLECTING SYSTEM, [ Hoots ] AND WE CAN GET OUT OF THIS ARMPIT OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM. [ Hooting ] [ Scoffs ] [ Growls ] [ Muffled Howl ] THAT GORILLA– YEAH.
WHO IS IT? THAT’S MY UNCLE JOEY. THE BRAIN OPERATION DIDN’T AFFECT HIS ACTING ONE BIT. [ Colonel ] WE’VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR 12 HOURS. STILL NO SIGN OF THE GIRL. [ John ] BUT WE CAN’T GIVE UP NOW, COLONEL. [ Sledge Narrating ] SOMETIMES YOU GET A HUNCH–
NOT AN IDEA, NOT EVEN A FEELING– MORE LIKE A RABBIT PUNCH TO THE BASE OF THE BRAIN, WHERE EVEN A MUG LIKE ME JUST CAN’T FIGURE THE ANGLES, THE ODDS, THE SCAM, THE SKINNY. LOOK! IT’S HER! [ John ] SHE’S ALIVE! I KNEW IT! SHE’S ALIVE. LOOK! DARLING, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE BURNED TO BITS. HE DIDN’T RAPE YOU, DID HE? OH, DON’T WORRY. HE DOESN’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS. HE DOESN’T? AND HE’S NOT SO BAD. HE JUST WANTS TO LIVE HERE IN PEACE– AWAY FROM THE EVIL BUNNY MEN FROM NEPTUNE WHO HAVE INVADED MARS. BUNNY MEN?
GOOD GOD, THE BASTARD’S BRAINWASHED HER. COLONEL, HE DIDN’T BRAINWASH ME. I’M JUST REPEATING WHAT THE MAN SAID. WHAT ELSE DID HE TELL YOU? HE SAID THAT HE WANTS TO LIVE IN HIS CAVE… AND TO HAVE A LITTLE AIR TO CALL HIS OWN. [ Snaps Fingers ] AIR. THAT’S IT!
IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE WAY THOSE BASTARDS BREATHE. I’VE SUSPECTED FOR SOME TIME THAT MARS HAS BEEN SUFFERING FROM A SEVERE AIR LEAKAGE. I’M SURE HE’S HERE TO STEAL OUR AIR. SO THAT’S HIS PLAN. OF COURSE, YOU DOLT! NOW, WHEN HE’S STEALING OUR ATMOSPHERE,
WHAT’S HE WANTING TO EAT? I DIDN’T ASK. FOR YOUR INFORMATION, MY DEAR, LOBSTER MEN ARE VORACIOUS FLESH EATERS. YOU MEAN– [ Professor ] YES. HE’LL LURE US BACK INTO HIS CAVE, AND HE’LL EAT US. WELL, MOMBO, I DON’T THINK THEY’RE GOING TO SHOW UP.
PUT THAT THING ON AUTO-SUCK. WE’LL DINE OUT THIS EVENING. [ Muffled Jabbering ] [ Snaps Fingers ] NOW I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MISSING LINK. THEY PUT HIM INTO KHAKI AND TURNED HIM INTO A COLONEL. HMPH. BOY, IF I HAD YOU IN THE ARMY– SCREW THE ARMY.
NOW YOU’VE DONE IT. OH, MY GOODNESS. IT’S THEM! [ Colonel ] DIE, MARTIAN SCUM! [ Gunfire ] [ Gunfire Continues ] [ Professor ] NOW YOU’VE DONE IT! – WE’D BETTER ESCAPE AS FAST AS WE CAN! – [ Pulsating ] [ Colonel ] RETREAT! RETREAT! [ Hooting ] THERE’S A VEHICLE! FORWARD!
[ Mombo Screeching ] [ Tires Squealing ] [ John ] RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! MARTIANS! [ Professor ] MARTIANS! HEY! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? SON, IN THE NAME OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, WE HEREBY COMMANDEER THAT VEHICLE. THE HELL YOU DO, G.I. JOE. VICKI, GET MY SHOTGUN, QUICK.
YOU BETTER LOOK AND SEE WHAT’S COMING. [ No Audible Dialogue ] GOLDBERG, YOU STAY HERE AND PROTECT THESE CIVILIANS. IF YOU GET OUT OF THIS ALIVE, I’LL PERSONALLY RECOMMEND YOU FOR A CITATION. YES, SIR! HERE THEY COME. WE BETTER HIDE. [ Vehicle Approaching ] [ Lobster Man Laughing ]
WHO THE HELL WAS THAT? THAT… WAS THE LOBSTER MAN FROM MARS. IT’S OVERHEATED. WHAT’LL WE DO? WAIT A MINUTE. I GOT AN IDEA. BUT I’LL NEED ALL OF YOUR COOPERATION– EVEN YOURS. HERE’S MY PLAN. [ Engine Downshifts, Slows ] [ Engine Revs ] [ Engine Stops ] MOMBO, SEIZE THAT FEMALE APPETIZER!
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS. I LIED. [ Laughing ] [ Growling ] [ Growling Continues ] [ Screaming, Growls ] – GET HIM RIGHT IN THE PUSS WITH IT! – [ Moaning ] [ Mombo Groaning ] – [ Groaning Continues ] – [ Growls ]
[ Liquid Bubbling ] [ Bubbling Continues ] IS THIS THE END OF MOMBO? GET THE BLOODY HELL OUT OF HERE! [ Growls, Laughs ] [ Lobster Man Laughing ] [ Laughing Continues ] HEE-HEE! HAW-HAW! – MARY! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? – GO BACK! I’M DONE FOR! I SAY, MR. LOBSTER MAN–
[ Snickering ] [ John, Thinking ] NEXT ERUPTION, 4:37? THAT MEANS I’VE GOT ONE MINUTE. [ Bubbling ] CAN’T WE DISCUSS THIS LIKE GENTLEMEN? [ Bubbling Continues ] YOU DON’T WANT TO EAT MARY. SHE’S GOT SKINNY LEGS; THIN, BONY ARMS; FLAT CHEST– HE GETS THE MESSAGE, JOHN.
UH, LISTEN. WHY DON’T YOU EAT ME FIRST, THEN, IF YOU’RE STILL HUNGRY, YOU CAN EAT MARY. BUT IF YOU GET FULL FROM EATING ME, YOU CAN LET HER GO. YOU FOOL. I SHALL EAT BOTH OF YOU, ALTHOUGH I PREFER THE FEMALE AS AN HORS D’OEUVRE. [ Bubbling Continues ]
[ Gasps ] OH, DAMN. IT’S STOPPED AGAIN. DAMN. THE LITTLE CHAPPIE’S GONE AND STOPPED AGAIN. [ Mary ] I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO GET YOUR WATCH FIXED. IT’S ALWAYS STOPPING AT 4:36. [ John ] YEAH. STRANGE, ISN’T IT? OH, DEAR. [ Lobster Man Laughing ] [ Breathing Heavily ]
[ Slurping, Growling ] OKAY, YOU WIN. COME AND GET ME, LOBSTER. [ Snarling, Laughing ] WHOA. HA-HA. HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE. [ Lobster Man Screaming ] [ Screaming Continues ] WELL, PROFESSOR, LOOKS LIKE THE GEYSER GOT HIM. IT WASN’T THE GEYSER. THE LOBSTER WAS KILLED ‘CAUSE HE GOT TOO CRABBY!
[ Wolf Howling And Barking, Distant ] NOW, SWEETHEART, IT’S TIMES LIKE THESE WHEN YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE. SO LET’S… BOW OUR HEADS IN SILENCE… AND REMEMBER THAT OUR ONLY REGRET SHOULD BE THAT… HE HAD BUT ONE LIFE TO GIVE FOR HIS COUNTRY. [ Sledge ] ANKRUM! MARY! PLOCOSTOMOS!
WOW. LONG DAY, HUH? LOOK, KID, I KNOW IT’S TOUGH– REAL TOUGH. YOU BLAST THE BIG SPACE COOTIES… INTO HOT GUMBO, AND WHAT DO YOU GET? YOU LOSE YOUR FELLOW, YOUR STEADY BEAU. YOUR REGULAR CLASSIC COMIC-READING, DOUBLE BUBBLE-POPPING, KISSY-FACED JOE. OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKES. [ Huffs ] HEY, I GOT PROBLEMS TOO.
NO REWARD MONEY. AS A MATTER OF FACT, EVERY TIME I FOCUS MY WINKERS ON THAT BIG HORIZON, I SEE THOUSANDS OF GREENBACKS SPROUTING LITTLE WINGS, LINING UP INTO FORMATION AND TAKIN’ OFF. A DAME WITH NO PALOOKA. THAT’S A STORY JUST ABOUT AS OLD AS THIS CRAZY GLOBE.
A CRAZY GLOBE WOBBLING AROUND ON ITS AXIS LIKE A DRUNK WITH ONE FOOT NAILED TO THE FLOOR. SOME THINGS… NEVER CHANGE– NO MATTER HOW MUCH A SAP LIKE ME MIGHT WANT ‘EM TO. LOOK! [ Narrator ] AND SO IT WAS THAT THE VICTIMS OF THE DREADED LOBSTER MAN…
WERE RETURNED TO THEIR FORMER SELVES. ONCE AGAIN, THE DIGNITY OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT TRIUMPHED OVER EVIL… FOR MOTHER NATURE HAD PLACED THE MEANS UPON THE EARTH TO DESTROY THE MARTIANS: GOOD OLD FAITHFUL. IT’S THE GREATEST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. WHAT ACTION! WHAT PASSION! WOW. IT’S GREAT.
THANK YOU, MR. SHELLDRAKE. I WANT– I WANT TO HANDLE THAT MOVIE. YOU’RE KIDDING? I’M NOT KIDDING. I MEAN IT. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I WOULD BE HONORED AND THRILLED TO PRESENT THAT FILM OF YOURS. THANK YOU. IT’S FABULOUS. TELL ME ABOUT THAT LEADING LADY. SHE IS AN INCREDIBLE ACTRESS.
DO YOU HAVE HER HOME NUMBER? YEAH, YOU LIKED HER. WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT THE LEADING MAN? HE’S A REALLY BIG STAR IN SCOTLAND. BUT YOU CALL HIM, AND I’LL CALL HER. OKAY. OH, IT’S SO GOOD. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT. WE GOT A DEAL. ALL RIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO GO SEE LOU, MY ACCOUNTANT– DOWN THE HALL, TURN LEFT– AND YOU GO SIGN WHATEVER PAPERS ARE NECESSARY. YOU GOT IT, MR. SHELLDRAKE. RIGHT AWAY. WE GOT A HIT ON OUR HANDS. RIGHT ON. I’M TELLING YOU, THE PUBLIC’S GONNA LOVE THIS. LOVE IT! [ Growls ]
[ Claps Hands ] WOW! LOU? OUR WORRIES ARE OVER. NOW, ON THE FILM FRONT, THIS WEEKEND’S SURPRISE OPENER, LOBSTER MAN FROM MARS, HAS EARNED MORE MONEY IN TWO DAYS… THAN ANY OTHER FILM IN THE HISTORY OF MOTION PICTURES. SCORE ANOTHER WINNER FOR MOVIE MOGUL J.P. SHELLDRAKE.
YOU MEAN HE’S STILL IN A MEETING? NOW, LOOKING AT THE WEATHER– – WELL, PLEASE TELL HIM TO CALL ME BACK IMMEDIATELY. – YES, STEVIE. I’LL TELL HIM. – J.P., THIS IS THE BIGGEST OPENER WE’VE EVER HAD. – THAT GOOD? WELL, IT’S GOOD AND BAD.
WELL, WHAT’S THE GOOD? IT’S GOOD BECAUSE THE STUDIO HAS MADE A HUGE PROFIT. OH, EXCELLENT. AND WHY– WHAT’S THE BAD? AND IT’S BAD… BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AGENTS FROM THE I.R.S. WAITING OUTSIDE TO TAKE YOU AWAY FOR TAX FRAUD. OH. I SEE.
WELL, LOU, I WANT YOU TO, UH, GET ME OUT OF IT. I WANT YOU TO TAKE CARE OF THIS. [ Together ] MMM, NAH. HMM. [ Swallows Hard ] ♪♪ [ “Rock Lobster” Intro ] THANKS FOR THE LOVELY GIFT, STEVIE. NOW, PUT THAT DOWN AND HURRY UP.
YOU DON’T WANT TO BE LATE FOR THE PLANE. YOU’RE RIGHT. I’D HATE FOR US TO MISS THE PARIS OPENING OF LOBSTER MAN AT THE CIRCUS. [ Women ] ♪ SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP, EWW SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP, EWW ♪ ♪ SKEE-DOO-BE-DEE-BOP ♪ [ Man ] ♪ IT WAS A ROCK LOBSTER ♪ ♪ AH, AH, AH, AH ♪♪
[ Liquid Bubbling ]
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