Hi guys thanks so much for tuning in to this video I am Jay Theo and today I’m going to be talking about my experience of wanting to join a black Fraternity in college as a out gay man so I really wanted to share this story because I
Feel like a lot of black men a lot of gay black men desire to join fraternities and I was someone who was really into the hype I was really into the Kool-Aid of wanting to be a fraternity when I started college and even prior to college I put in a lot of
Work of understanding what was needed to make sure that I could set myself up to being a fraternity and once I got to college a lot of that went to shambles um due to my sexuality and I just want to talk about that experience so that anybody out there who’s interested in
Joining a fraternity particularly a black fraternity one that’s a part of the divine nine I just want to share my experience talk through the roller coaster ride that it was offer any advice I have and also just talk through how I felt about it now that I’m a 31
Year old who is not in a fraternity who is not affiliated with anything divine nine and who still feels that he lives a pretty decent successful life so with all that being said let’s dive right into it and let’s discuss my experience of Designing to be in a black fraternity
As a out gay man So guys so first I want to start with discussing you know why did I want to be in a fraternity why was that something that was so important to me when I got to college so if you guys have watched some other videos I talk a lot about how
I was how you know my desire to really build community and be a part of the black community was super important to me as I had issues with loving myself as a black person I felt College was just a great start to really build a community
And build a space for me where I was around blackness in a way that was positive and encouraging to me I did go to all black high school so I definitely was familiar with black community but high school was just a lot different than College in college there was just a
Lot more like-minded people that went to be a part of a community that I want to Foster you know that shared similar interests and goals when it came to post graduation and things like that so I definitely wanted to make it a priority to be a part of the black community in a
Strong way when I got to college so part of that was okay one way to be a part of the black community is be a part of a black fraternity and I obviously you know at my school Greek life was super important I went to the Ohio State
University so it was a very large University at the time it was it was always back and forth being the number one largest and the second largest university in the United States so even though we were predominantly white school we were pwi we had a huge black
Population I think we were I think we were like any I want to say we were like six to ten percent black I don’t remember the statistics but I want to say we were anywhere from like six to ten percent black so it was still a decent amount of
Black students on campus and it was pretty tight-knit the black community which was really cool but once you got to campus everybody also wanted to be in a fraternity of sorority it was just the thing to do everybody knew and it was kind of a way to get popular it was kind
Of a way to gain clout in the black community and everybody wanted to step into the step shows and where where the gear and just have a Brotherhood or assist to her so it was something that definitely everyone around you also wanted to be in so it definitely also
Influenced my desire to want to be a fraternity I also joined the bridge program so I was really excited to get to college so Ohio state had a bridge program for minority students so black brown Latino students we could start school about a month early we would take
Classes we would work with different organizations we would volunteer we would learn study habits we would be able to get one-on-ones with professors to kind of just get a grasp of the university life before everybody else got there so that was my first step of
Being part of a cohort being part of a group of people where we all share something similar we went through the program together so there was a lot of there was a lot of Brotherhood and Sisterhood amongst the bridge programs After experiencing that it made me want
To be a part of a fraternity even more a lot of my peers within Bridge they also wanted to be a part of fraternity sororities and a lot of our mentors in our bridge program we have um Bridge buddies and mentors that would come in and help us and they were our peer
Leaders and a lot of them are wearing fraternities and sorority so it just was like if you’re black you want to be a fraternity sorority and it’s so much of a Brotherhood and Sisterhood in it and everybody who anybody is in a fraternity of sorority so it was just the thing
That everybody wanted to do and also I was an overachiever so in high school I was like touring I was president of two clubs I worked two jobs I volunteered um you know so I wanted to live a similar lifestyle in college I wanted to be overachiever I wanted to get
Internships I wanted to be president organizations I wanted to be a part of different organizations so I kind of wanted to mirror that same lifestyle when I got to college obviously that’s a little bit harder to do classes are a lot harder and as a first generation student I really realized that very
Quickly but I was a president of an organization out the gates I was on in a leadership role in another organization that was about that was a volunteer organization I took part in things that happened on campus that involved the black community I was an R.A so I was
Very involved so I definitely was like you know what I want to top it off and I want to be in a fraternity also as a black gay man I feel it also could be a way up where I could connect with other black men for me it was always that I
Connected with black women really easy and I did have memories of bridge program that I was cool with our men which was great but I still always felt like this disconnect with being cool with black men and I just wanted it to I wanted to build a friendship and a
Brotherhood with black men didn’t have to deal with me being gay or something romantic behind it I just really wanted to build a bond with other black men I grew up with Brothers I grew up with cousins that I was really close to too so I thought this could be an
Opportunity for me to kind of mirror that as well in college so right off the bat when I got to to college I started looking into which returns would I want to join and I knew from the research that I had done before the books I already have been reading before that I
Wanted to be either be a Kappa or Alpha but sadly at the time the office on our campus was suspended they weren’t able to pledge and do any of that my only option for what I really was interested in was a Kappa and during the bridge program I had mentors that were sigmas
And that were cues and they were really great like they y’all when we were in bridge program we used to go to they used to create parties for us so like the cues and the segments were crepe parties for us just for bridge because they were former Bridge cohort memories
And they were our peer leaders so the cues and the segments were cool I just personally did not want to be a QR Sigma I was like I feel like I’m meant to be a Kappa I’m a pretty boy like I like the dress cute like I feel like that was my
Energy and when I met the Capitals I really felt like okay they’re cool looks like they had all these events going on they were very very involved on campus so I just felt like okay if I’m gonna be a power organization they are really involved on campus they got swag that’s
What I want to be so y’all started going to all the Kappa events anytime I had a barbecue anytime I had a party anytime I was a volunteer organization I was there I would walk up to the Presidents and the leaders of the organization I would
Talk to them I would I would show interest in a vague way you when you’re showing interest you can’t blatantly say I’m interested you have to vaguely be like oh you have to ask questions to be kind of vague about it really it’s a weird way but you have to show interest
But not show interest in a blatant way so I did all that I I attended everything I got through I got the president’s numbers I got the secretary’s numbers I would text them ask them like where I need to be what I need to do so I was a very invested
Y’all and this went on for about a year and a half to the point where I was getting invited by the president to secret meetings at night where I needed where I would learn more information on what the next steps would be they would tell me what you know I’d better be at
This step show and I better be front War bro and I better speak speak to this person or this person’s gonna be there you need to speak to them and you know so I was listening to everything they were telling me to do I started meeting other dudes that I knew were interested
And we would talk and we would all go to things together we would Bond all the way fact that okay we think we’re gonna make it online and all those things so I wasn’t very invested for a year and a half of my life I was invested in this
And I knew that freshman year I couldn’t place so I was like okay I’m just gonna keep investing into my sophomore year my sophomore years when I became ra so my life got even more busy I was already I started taking harder classes I had to start taking certain science classes
That were requirements for my major so my my courses start getting harder but I still was like I want to be account but I want to be a copper I want to be a Kappa this was still taking up a lot of time out of my day today on top of
Working having an R.A being being the president of another another organization that was focused on my career field so it was just a lot going on when I had interest in this so y’all so doing this for a year and a half and then y’all um one of my friends who also
Had interest in being a Kappa he hit me up one day and was like you want to grab a lunch and I’m like sure so we grabbed lunch and he’s like I got something to tell you and I’m like what and he’s like well Jay they have had a line you are on
That line they said that they dropped you and others on that line because you were in f word because I was gay they dropped me and he said they made it very known that they’re not having any F words on this line so that’s why you got
Dropped and I was like well then why are you telling me this because I’m thinking like aren’t you online he told me that he got dropped because he had a heart problem he had a heart murmur he let them know that because you know for turning these Haze and as soon as they
Let him know they dropped him so we both got dropped for things that we could not control and you know for me it was really devastating when I found out this news that someone who for a year and a half was dedicating my existence um in college not my complete existence
But really trying to focus and get in this fraternity and spending all this time going these meetings wasting my time volunteering doing all these things not that volunteers wasting my time but just taking part in their their organizations events to show that I was interested in it was really depressing I
Ended up having a panic attack um this was one of the pre-courses to why I decided to go to therapy in college this was one of the reasons why I did attempt some self-harm because this was such an investment of my life that I felt like my time was stolen for
Me and the fact this was the first time I ever was really discriminated against from being gay there were other times that I was called the f word when I was an R.A when I was writing people up which I also addressed that in college
As well but this was the first big time moment that I was getting something taken away from me for me being gay so it was really devastating for me and it was a wake-up call for me it was also devastating because when I decided to go
To college I really wanted to be out and be my true self I didn’t want to enter it being down low in the closet I did that in high school and coming out to my mom in high school I just told myself I didn’t want to live in secret anymore so
In the bridge program I announced everybody that I was gay we had to do a project we were we had to write a letter to ourselves and in that letter I basically said that I was I was gay so it was and it was freeing it was freeing
To to be in this whole new environment be out and be gay and not feel like I had to be in the closet but there were so many other men which you know it was it was understandable we were still very young we were 18 19 20. that was still
In the closet particularly in the black community there were a lot of members of fraternities that were in the closet a lot of members of the basketball team football team that were in the car there were so many DL gay men on campus at my school it was beyond but those members
Those people got to be a part of those organizations because they were not out so it was really hard for me because it was like wow I take really pride in being out and being free but honestly me being out really was the reason that stopped me from being a part of this
Organization so I am not someone who likes my time being wasted and I’m not one that plays into discrimination so y’all I contacted the national chapter of Kappa Alpha fraternity and I let them know that there was an underground line and that they were discriminating against me for
Being gay and that they were also discriminating against other people for medical conditions so I let them know the national chapter was very upset and from my knowledge you know the next semester they got suspended from my knowledge is because of my phone call there was some discussion about I could
Have should have kept my mouth shut and all those things and there was a moment of me looking over my shoulder for a little period of time but nothing ended up happening to me and it was the consequence that they had to face I just don’t think it’s fair to discriminate
Against people especially you know as so young that was just so devastating for me and it like I said it caused me to take a moment of self-harm attempt and I literally had to go to therapy because I was so depressed of how much time and
How much energy it took out of my life for in for me not to even make it online so that was just something and what what made it even crazier y’all the president and most produced I was working with to get on the line was gay I have friends
That were sleeping with him and would tell me I’m sleeping with him I know him wink wink of him you know what I’m saying so it was also really very very frustrating and it would make me so upset because it’s like wow I also know that you’re down low you’re in the
Closet you’re gay you’re getting your back blown out basically every other night by so-and-so and you’re the one who’s basically saying no F words in the fraternity so that was really hard for me y’all and honestly it’s so funny because I saw the president when I moved
To New York um he moved to New York as well or like Upstate New York as well so I would see him on gay Tinder and I would I would try to match with him he would never match with me because I wanted to message him and then I saw him
On gay hinge in LA because I guess he lives in L.A he lives in Atlanta I saw him on gay hinge here and on you know and you can respond to prompts you don’t need a message so one time I respond to promise prompt and I was like wow good
To see that you’re out here living yourself free now you know because I’m like you know what I still feel some type of way not that I’m holding a grudge but it was just it’s just wow you’re all over gay hands gay tender everything but for me being gay in
College was so rough that I couldn’t get on the line like okay but y’all it doesn’t stop there probably about two months ago I was out in weho turning up you know being my gay self and I saw this dude at a party so I said you know
What I’m gonna walk up to this President ex-president of cap officer and let him know that I thought it was dirty how he did me and I literally walked up there and I said hey so-and-so I just want to say I think it’s so dirty how you did me
When it came to the fraternity stuff like you wasted so much of my time and I just think that was wrong I am way over it but I see you all the time on dating apps and stuff and it just makes me cringe that you’re out here being gay
And free but for me being gay free in college that I couldn’t be a part of the fraternity but I’m living my best life I’m doing just fine just so you can see that but just know that it was real dirty how you did me he was like oh I’m
So sorry I actually wanted you real bad but you know the other guys they just couldn’t have it they just couldn’t have it you know but I really really wanted you like let’s exchange numbers y’all and I don’t kick it with that dude we are not cool on any level but it felt
Good getting that off of my chest it felt good addressing him directly and letting me letting him know how wrong he was and it felt good calling that National chapter and getting them suspended where I was in college that felt good you’re not gonna discriminate
Me and waste my time but with saying all this I really want anybody out there that is a black gay queer bisexual man that wants to be in a fraternity keep in mind that you being out could be an issue for you being able to pledge I
Know times have changed I know a lot of gay men that are in fraternities I most gay men honestly I mean are in fraternity so a lot of people guys and fraternities are gay now but I still think there’s still a lot of homophobia there’s still a lot of of of the illness
And and and secrecy when it comes to being queer in these fraternities just based on the legacy of homophobia within the black community so I definitely think that’s just something to think about if you really are invested in being in one but I also think too like
Do you want to be a part of something that doesn’t really accept you as a whole if it’s supposed to be a Brotherhood and they can’t accept your queerness your gayness is that something for you way more Community when I I finally gave up the idea of being a fraternity and
When I really focus on queer organizations on campus fashion organizations on campus which is something I really was a part of I also was a privacy organization that really gave back to first generation college students so I mentored a lot in college I was a part of a call center on campus
That are called first generation costumes that were interested in Ohio State and guided them through the process I found so many more friends and so many more loyal people to connect with through those organizations then I feel like I ever would have in a fraternity not not to disc fraternities
But there’s so much Community we had in college so if it’s for eternity doesn’t happen for you it’s not the end of the world also now that I’m 31 years old I feel great what I’ve done with my life I still got a great job in New York when I
Got out of college I lived in L.A I’ve traveled the world I’ve been from faster week shows I’ve had I’ve worked for Fortune 500 companies so at the end of the day I feel that a fraternity didn’t make or break me me and don’t let it
Make or break you yes it was devastating to waste my time and not be a part of the organization but I still feel like I have become successful in my own right and it didn’t limit Me by not being in a fraternity and you can still find Brotherhood and community at other
Places and like I said I don’t want any queer man any gay man any bisexual man to feel like he can truly be his self if he’s a part of anything and don’t let anybody make you feel like you can’t be yourself and don’t change yourself to be
Able to be a part of a group you shouldn’t have to change yourself and change who you are to be accepted to be a part of a group and that’s the advice that I would give anyone I did have a moment of weakness when I was still in
College after the whole Kappa thing when the office did come back and I did start that process to become an alpha but y’all I quickly realized when I started my internship in New York City for a Fortune 500 company that I did not want to waste my time trying to force myself
To get in a fraternity and deal with all the gotta be somewhere by 2 A.M in the morning gotta go here and do all this hazing stuff I just wasn’t interested so I met with the leaders and I let them know that I no longer was interested in
Moving forward in the process but I was slowly starting the process which was cool but I just quickly realized that fraternity just wasn’t for me and there has been moments in my life where I’ve thought about grad chapters and stuff but I didn’t say y’all I still just
Don’t see what it’s gonna serve me yes it could be a community um from a black male standpoint but if they’re going to be black men that don’t accept queerness and don’t accept gayness I’m not interested I think my goal mainly is to really to cultivate real Community amongst gay men bisexual
Men queer men that truly love themselves except themselves and who really want to see all black men grow in our community no matter what sexuality they have no matter what they’re attracted to I that’s the type of community I want to cultivate and that’s the type of
Community I feel like that’s missing in our community and yeah but I I definitely think fraternity sororities if they are on the rights how to write and they do write by their organization and they are accepting that that could be a great thing but in my experience a
Lot of the people that joined fraternity sororities in my college were people that honestly were insecure and just needed to be a part of something really the people who were really confident who are really involved on campus actually got in the fraternity sorority you know I do have some friends that are
Extremely successful and they were very involved in campus and they were part of sororities um if attorneys but most of the time I would say 80 of the time it was people that were like lames in high school this like this was their only claim to fame
Was being a part of these organizations so yeah so that’s my experience with being interested in a black fraternity and being an out gay man I still don’t have any regrets of anything I did you know I overcame peer pressure to be a proper organization I didn’t let anyone try to
Change who I am I was discriminated against and I took my power to take action and to sh and to create potential change and I’m proud of myself for that but definitely let me let me who are interested in joining a black fraternity if you are part of a
Black fraternity and you want to talk about your experience and if it’s been more accepting and welcoming please let me know I do have some friends that are in fraternities that are queer and they didn’t have a bad experience it’s always been accepting for them so you know I do
Think that’s a little more rare but if you have that experience please share or if you are somebody who had a difficult experience like myself trying to be a part of a fraternity please let me know in the comments I want us to have a discussion on one and any advice you
Have for other young adults young college students that are looking to be a part of fraternity’s organization please share in the comments I like I said I’m not here to diss or fraternity sororities but I hear I’m here to share my experience and talk through the ups
And downs I had and how it affected me emotionally and how it really did really rock my world when I found out I couldn’t get in the fraternity at the time and it really but it also in the in a silver lining way was a silver line to
Me starting therapy and me working through my mental health so but please I would like to have conversations with please make sure to drop a comment share your experience so we can discuss and go a little bit deeper on this topic and with all that being said and tuning into this video please
Hit the like button and subscribe if you are liking this content and as always guys do your best to stay safe stay positive and I will see you guys on the next video
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