Are you going to k k party yo bro sports are you a college freshman in desperate need of companionship Andor structure are you tired of layo Collegiate Staples like learning and having a balanced brain chemistry then Greek life might be for you salutations fellow undergrads I’m brother Roger Horton president of lauram Ipson
Fraternity damn glad to meet you uh I’ve read up on all the Greek organizations on this campus your core values align perfectly with mine I got to say uh not you you want it too bad let me explain why the rest of you will want to join my
Semi-exclusive club we’ll offer you the chance to become roommates with 20 to 30 hormonal randos United by one common goal to better ourselves and our community obviously to pay thousands thousands of dollars per semester for the right to wear a shirt with some foreign letters you’re probably
Mispronouncing I I have had a little bit of trouble making friends here so hey my name’s Tate all right you’re a pledge now Tate oh now it’s time to give you a nickname that’s too embarrassing to share with your parents or future children Tate welcome taint welcome taint oh good one your
Goodwi dude seems like loow hanging for taint fret notot taint you’re not alone the best kind of trauma is shared your pledge class will soon endure a Cavalcade of crippling co-ed side quests ever been yelled at for doing exactly nothing wrong actually my dad was kind of a shut it
Taint see that that’s called hazing a bonding ritual that might include shouting sleep deprivation sensory deprivation even accidental death actually hazing is explicitly prohibited on this campus and by the inter fraternity Council so I don’t know do you know what else is also prohibited on campus underage drinking and feeding
Alcohol to dogs sneaking into their health center stealing all the penicillin and replacing it with Flintstone’s chewables why do these places even exist fraternities date back to the 17th century a real Renaissance Era for white men looking to further entrench their power some social fraternities started for badass punk rock reasons like
Discussing ideas and philosophies banned by their puritanical faculties under cover of Darkness but now they’re mainly a way for centuries old institutions to siphon more money out of your parents’ wallets you’re essentially impulse buying a $10,000 pack of gum at the checkout ey a small price to pay for the
Honor of being part of a proud tradition that’s right tank as you studi Greek life’s Rich history you’ll find out which frats initially refused to be integrated or still rely heavily on the Confederate imagery whoa that’s not this one right oh that’s one of those fun secrets we
Won’t reveal until you’re done pledging oh I just checked Wikipedia this is one of the bad ones it was a different time okay and anyway have I mentioned our dilapidated plantation house it comes with all the amenities a dilated pupil such as yourself could ask for compulsory binge drinking brother gerk
Girk is 26 years old one credit shy of graduation and one strike away from a lifetime ban at Dave and Busters you two guys will share showers I can doal a girk you you said binge drinking we party right oh we throw all manner of boisterous shivu where you’ll find new
And exciting ways to poison yourself with alcohol your frontal lobe doesn’t stop developing until your late 20s but with the invention of beer pong now it can maybe that’s why fraternity members are three times more likely to commit assault oh ho that’s that’s not me man
Oh I’m sure you look like a really nice guy you’d merely be tacitly endorsing the sociopathic creeps who join our ranks for cover that’s much more admirable fraternities are morally indefensible SAR are stoage classier oh you’d think so but you’d be so [ __ ] wrong Look sari’s also sprang forth from a well-intentioned super feminist primordial moves but modern sororities are in some ways empirically worse than fraternities leaked emails have shown a staggering dedication to uniformity like enforcing strict dress codes anytime you leave your dorm sorority’s relish and sanding down the edges of your
Individuality to make you a palatable homogeneous blob that can’t be picked out from a crowd since 1870 actually the first female Greek organization referred to it self as a women’s fraternity taint would you mind shut up dwe okay why would these so-called Independent Women want to join a place
That made them all look and talk the same just like any good pyramid scheme it’s all about recruitment you get to participate in a plethora of choreographed often racist Rush propaganda like the one where you’re waving the one where you do a poorly synchronized dance the one where you must pay tribute
To the bloodthirsty god of the cornfields wow I mean they do look hot you’re becoming one of us before long you’ll be unrecognizable to the Chads you met at orientation unless they join another identical Greek organization all of which you hate now for some reason now if you’ll excuse
Excuse me I need to cross state lines to get some Ever Clear your body may be a temple but we’re going to change it to a BL log of Mountain Dew and alcohol you’re all invited to the unsanctioned off-campus grooming of miners tonight I’ve been brother Roger by the way don’t look at
Me oh he’s good huh now you got to come to the party
source
