Welcome my name is Dr alwan tart and right now we’re gonna talk about eight questions to ask when dating to avoid getting hurt I want to make sure that you’re able to pick the best person now this is geared towards I’m be honest this is geared towards the ladies but
Men come along for the ride because we matter to have you ever been in a relationship family I see y’all coming in you jumping on live you’re watching this I appreciate you being here here’s what we’re focusing on right now you know um have you ever dated someone or
Been in relationship with someone and you believe they’re the right person for you or maybe they go through the right motions or you met their representative and your heart connects with them and then you find out later they’re not who they said they were or they’re not a
Good fit for you but you already like them and you find yourself having to balance do I leave this person break up with this person start a whole new relation ship with this person I wish I would have known upfront what I know now I might have made a different decision
Has anyone been there I’ve I’ve been there I’ve been there I’ve been in a relationship with someone and she was uh passionate and she was sweet and she was uh loving uh until she got mad until she got mad and I wish I would have asked her uh one of the questions
I’m going to have you ask is going to be question number eight it’s gonna be the number eight question I’m gonna ask y’all today all right it’s gonna be question number eight I wish I would have asked her about this because had I asked her about this it would have been
A whole different conversation and I would have decided whether this is what I wanted to sign up for have you ever been there have you ever been there where you learned something in the marriage in the relationship you know with friends with family and this goes
For guys too like you’re dating her and you realize oh man had I known I had to deal with this and this was an issue for them had I known that before I caught feelings I might have said I’m not equipped for this you feel me all right
So um it’s it’s it’s it’s gonna be a good conversation and I see someone saying hey you know what I’m Muslim I’ve gone for Muslim Christianity I I I wonder if uh you know my my community is interested in this conversation regardless of your religious background
Whom you believe in and what you believe in as for me you know I’m a Christ follower and I respect what you believe because I want us to meet I want us to Bridge and have a real realistic conversation this is going to apply these are eight questions you need to
Ask when dating you can even ask these questions if you’re in relationship because how many you know you can drift apart you don’t even know me anymore all right so without further Ado because I know your time is valuable right uh and Angelica I see you I appreciate you
Chiming in I appreciate y’all buying Badges and things that you do but let’s dive in eight questions you should ask when dating men or women you put it put them in the blank to avoid getting hurt all right number one number one I wrote a real list for y’all all right I want
To know what your mindset is about dating and relationships number one I want to know what your mindset is about dating and relationships I know you’re saying all right doc start what do you mean all right I want I want to know like how how you approach relationships
And what you believe about it when we’re dating do you believe that do you believe that um dating is something that you want to do right all right um around relationships do you believe that being in a relationship means that you cut everyone else off or does that
Mean that you organically find someone you like and we’re dating multiple people until we identify that we want to be together and then how would how would we communicate exclusivity would I need to communicate that to you would you communicate that to me so if you ask
These questions UPF front it’s not it’s not awkward it’s not awkward you get to ask these questions up front to find your person find your fit when it comes to dating in relationships like um do do you struggle or do you succeed in these relationships like what would your ex
Exes say about you right when you’re in relationships do they become your number one are you able to focus on school and work at the same time I need to know your mindset around relationships if we have a bad day oh here’s a good one this’s a question I wish I could have
Asked some of my exes if we have a bad day we agree to disagree right what is your take on what do you do in the relationship what do y’all do come on comment if we have a bad day we have an argument we disagree we have a bad
Moment what do you do I want to know your mindset around it all right do you believe in not going to bed mad now I know y’all not cohabitating you know and if you are okay you know but but I’m talking about dating right uh do you
Believe in being the first to apologize do you believe that it should be mutual apologize AP do you believe that we should have like a cool off period of a couple of hours and then just drop it and come back to it like what’s your mindset on making relationships work
When it gets tough do you just quit and shut down and break down or do you say I want to work it out but we just need some time are y’all feeling me family are y’all getting this these are questions we need to ask before I see peaceful Solutions saying Mutual it
Needs to be mutual I’m with you I don’t want I’ve been in a relationship where I had to do all the apologizing every time now what’s the possibility I’m wrong all the time and in this particular relationship I actually was right more I was wrong I don’t mean like like like I
Don’t mean from sense of entitlement like I really did have more relationship skills than she did right all right like look we can agree to disagree or hey I don’t want to argue let’s pray about it where she’d shut down and get upset and do all this acting out I I didn’t do
That to that degree right so I just found myself apologizing just to keep the peace and because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do because she was unable to maintain herself and that did not work out know what your mindset is do you believe in getting in the in
The mud with me and if our relationship’s in the mud do you believe in digging it out the mud too all right uh la la is saying uh cool off period Then revisit how long how long should that cool off period be family how long
Should it be right you need to you need to actually have that conversation because how many of you know you can have a cool off period that’s too long for the other person so you can have a three cool off period is three days you
Be like hold up you ignored me for three days it took you three days and then you can have a cool off period That’s too short he you say cool off 15 minutes I was just starting to calm down and hear you come back again you just want to
Keep noise you need to actually have a pre-conflict plan and being able to talk about what that cool off period would look like I’m gonna go out for an hour that work for you I’m you let’s let’s visit revisit this thing in the morning hey we don’t go to bed mad let’s resolve
This right before we go to bed all right uh I see I see grace saying she’d ask for space and maybe process it in another Set time uh someone says hey don’t don’t shut down and stop talking until I cool off hey that’s being real
You know uh LT is is is saying that mad Jules is saying I believe in taking some time to have a little space and set time and talk to address look this mature audience right I love this mature audience and y’all are being real right because you know we can’t just shut down
And that’s on us we need relationship SC you can’t shut down and ignore the other person because you’re upset for too long it has to be within the window that doesn’t make them feel rejected or abandoned are upset are you going too far there has to be an
Integration uh of a mutuality there has to be evidence that we’re in a relationship right fam like there’s me and there’s you and that’s how we decide what we’re going to do it’s not just the way I want to do it or the way you want
To do it doesn’t work that way right I see y’all pette says cool off period works for me uh get my thoughts together in process my wife is the same way someone uh someone says uh step back and calm down then come back at it later that’s good all right doing disagreement
Make sure you never yell a curse see I’m with it oh I like it I’m gonna go back to this I was going to go to number two and I will Peaceable solution says let’s take a timeout when necessary let’s just pause right there uh just for a minute a
Timeout is good because you know it’s called emotional flooding an emotional flooding is when our heart beats above 100 beats a minute whenever we get to a 100 beats a minute we gonna say something or do something we’re gonna regret why you know our our flight fight our free
System is queued up at that point because we feel like this conversation is now a threat to us right a threat to us and so I start responding like you’re a threat either I’m going to shut down I’m freeze I’m a fight I’m a flight let’s before we get
There time out before I say something I regret sister right because you didn’t say the wrong thing you making me angry I’m interrupting I’m not listen to a word you say let’s just take a time out cool down get below a 100 beats a minute
And come back to it right now if you really want to be technical there’s these little thing called galvanic skin responses all right and now you can even have it on your on your watches I’m not wearing one right now you know shout out tal and Twine black on watch company but
They have the Apple watches all right or the fitbits and whatever they whatever they call right where they can monitor your heartbeat you know you might just want to cue that thing up you know and see where you are right that way you don’t say something you regret and
You’ll know that it’s coming you know um and then someone says what if both of you cool off but do not revisit the combo due to getting escalated again uh you you have to you don’t have relationship skills right if you you you you the worst thing you can be in a
Relationship is an avoider and if you have two avoiders you can’t resolve the conflict and what happens is that they brew and that resentment is there so I think the best way to do it is to calm down and then come back to what you agree on all right we agree that we
Should both listen to each other right we agree that we should both be happy we agree that our relationship right now is in the tank and we neither one of us agree on what to do all right let’s start right there and then the next thing you want to do is start S
All right let’s keep our tone down and maybe get some camomile tea take some calm whatever and then let’s come back at this right or maybe we get a third party mediator to sit down with us let’s go to counseling and get his or her uh informed opinion or let’s just
Get some some people we trust right some marriage mentors relationship mentors people we trust with their calmness a wise someone who’s wise and Elder to sit down to help us mediate the situation right I see you roller girl I appreciate I know Vegas I know that’s where you
Reside uh chenet I see you I I’m glad that y’all are here I’m glad everyone is here Exquisite tasty I appreciate you coming in Mad Jewels all right all right so number one number one what’s your mindset about dating and relationships get as much out of that number two do
You want what I want do you want what I want this this is a big one this is a boundary conversation do you want what I want now first of all you have to know what you want right so what I mean by that is
Look I am at an I’m I’m I’m just using language y’all I’m at an age where I I looking for commitment and they found that commitment they’re looking for marriage and that they like to have children within the next three to three to five years that’s a great statement
Do you want do you want that I mean uppr I know y’all like oh I don’t want to scare him off but why would you get feelings with someone who doesn’t want commitment they just want to kick it and chill all right they don’t want to get
Married or they want to get married in 10 years seven years they don’t even know they don’t believe in the institution of marriage and then they don’t want children right why would I date you I know that’s brutal I don’t have time for you you don’t want what I want we can be
Cool we can be friends we can be Believers we can study the word together we can go roller skating together right we we we can watch the Falcons game right we we we do it but ain’t no need of my heart being attached to yours girl
All right if you don’t want what I want if you don’t want and I could go anything and I’m talking about the relationship I don’t mean like do you want what I want in life but I would like to have a conversation then we’re gonna get to that but I really want to
Know do you want the same thing I want out of this relationship are you open to real love are you open to it could be the other way are you open for us just kicking it and organically seeing where things go because my desire to marriage is really based upon my income my
Ability to provide my my time to heal do you want what I want can we be on the same page are you gonna be rushing me are you gonna feel like I betrayed you when I’m trying to tell you up front what my pace is y’all feel me y’all feel
Me and again y’all if yall tuning in the topic is eight questions to ask when dating to avoid getting hurt and I’m slanting this towards the ladies but this also applies to us as men because we’re real we’re real human beings too we’re human beings we we we’re not as
Savage as the internet might make you make us appear right all right I all right so y’all got it all right oh I see I see y’all feeling that do you want what I want I was in a relationship with someone and she didn’t want what I
Wanted I wanted and I know what I asked for was weird right I was in grad school so I pretty much was married to get my PhD y but I didn’t want to be lonely and I don’t believe in playing ladies I don’t believe in playing them so I was
Just honest I was like look I want us to be um kind of exclusive without all the emotion right like we’re going to go our separate ways when I get my degree you’re gonna go off to med school or dental school law school and I’m gonna go off to be a psychologist in
California and then return to Atlanta I already have my life plan right and that may not be yours right and I probably won’t want marriage right after at 22 years old well 26 years old when I 27 when I get my PhD I probably I don’t
Know if I want that immediately I might want to just get my bearings and get started with career but are you cool with us dating uh exclusively like when I see you I see you when you see me you see me are you cool with that right
That’s weird right like okay you want exclusivity without the title but I want you to want what I want to be in the same page right and and and a couple a couple women wanted that but others didn’t and I had to take ownership that was weird emotionally so I get my
Feelings in it and I know we’re casual but the more time we spend together I like you but it has no future like the more we talk I at least want to have a conversation about where you might move might where you might do internship for me it was California
Atlanta there was no negotiation right at that point in time I was already going to those places that was my career trajectory right because believe this is fun fact for y’all when I first started I uh gang violence um an aggression expert and I still am I just don’t do a
Lot of that work today it’s more relationship and counseling based but but I knew I wanted to go out to Englewood I knew I wanted to go out to South Central right and I know I wanted to return to Atlanta to Kirkwood because that was my training and working with
These high-risk populations and if you don’t want that you trying to take me off that let’s not get our feelings in it y’all feel me all right now most of them were able to go with that but but you get it and I want y’all to be
Upfront to make sure that no one’s feelings gets hurt all right I know I missed a couple of uh of the of these comments right um yeah but I y’all get it right right right so someone said would that open the door for manipulation it would it
Would but when you ask someone if they want what you want I would let them go first see to avoid the manipulation just say hey you know what I want to know if you want what I want in a relationship but first just out of courtesy this is a
Game for y’all out of courtesy especially if you’re a woman I want you to go first as as you know as a man all right as as a man you could say out of courtesy ladies first I want to know what you want to see if it matches
Because if you know you’re not going to manipulate why not ask them first if you’re worried about the person you’re with manipulating you right and someone says what if they show all these interests and you get married and have kids and now they want to play the
Streets and still had the benefits of a wife at home and kids without the wife at that point you have to draw a boundary all right and a boundary is saying you violated my standards right like you violated the agreement that we have think about boundaries as a
Property line you’ve come all way on my property and I ask you to respect the property but now you like a dog peeing on the yard that’s not yours you’re messing up my grass right you have to set a boundary and say hey this doesn’t
Work for me and then you have to be prepared to enforce your boundary a lot of times we complain but we don’t enforce it y’all I got a speeding ticket I got uh three speeding tickets in 45 days I spent through the same city on
The way to work three times in 45 days and I got a fat third ticket and I had to go to defensive driving school I’m be honest all right and everyone in my family lost car insurance because of me and it wasn’t because I’m a speed demon
I was late to work and the judge is like look man you don’t respect the city you can stay with us for a day I was like no no no no I don’t want to stay I’m sorry I’m not disrespecting your City on I am
Late I need to do better job and that’s what’s happened these last 45 days you will never see me y’all I think that was like 10 or 12 years ago I have not sped since now what’s the point of that story they needed to enforce their boundaries
Three times on me ticket one ticket two ticket three insurance company uh dropping us Defensive Driving School wife was like where’s why is all this money coming out the account in the last 60 days going towards the city of Avendale right what what is this why I and our mother-in-law was our insurance
Agency lost a boatload of business from us that’s five six consequences that had to be enforced against me to get me to slow down even though that is the law there’s some people that will listen listen if you enforce your boundaries some of us are too soft I love you but
You’re too soft with enforcing your boundaries and we do talking and no enforcing now I didn’t say punishment I didn’t say an ultimatum even though sometimes it does come down to that change or I’m gone because I don’t want to die in this I don’t want to hurt in
This I can’t take this anymore but it’s really about just enforcing your own standards right doesn’t the bank do that doesn’t the bank do that if if your credit is below what they want to deal with they going to enforce we need a 700 in order to give you this loan for the
Car or the house doesn’t a real to do that in order to show you the house you’re gonna have to pre-qualify for this amount you want me to show you a house at this amount at 450 you only qualify for 415 I’m not gonna show you a
House for 450 and waste my time and you only qualify for 415 that’s just enforcing the boundary I won’t show you the house unless you come with some more money get more funding uh get more get the bank to pre-qualify you for more then I’ll show you that that’s not
Punishment all right y’all feel me all right someone said I met a 50 year old lawyer 34 so excited but this man has never been married and that’s a red flag CA uh because who have you love it was actually like I’m supposed to just just be easy I’m gonna address that really
Quickly I’m gonna get back I’m g go um go a lot faster go to number three all right really quickly like just because someone’s never been married doesn’t mean that that they’re flaws it is hard to find love out here right and it could they’ve put love second or they’ve tried
Love or they’ve seen it and now they’ve had or something’s happened and they they really want to get into it right but but what you should be cautious of is a person that’s been with themselves for 50 years is going to be very difficult for them to compromise for
Them to consider your feelings for them to be considerate because they’ve been out of practice that’s in general that’s in general right but a person who’s been considerate maybe they live with others maybe they’re good at work we want to make sure that they’re considerate in
Their good to you does that make sense we want to make sure that they’re considerate and they’re good to you because a relationship is me plus you equals we not your way or my way it’s our way right yeah so y’all get it so someone say I have to set you know
Boundaries and it doesn’t feel good but actually works out in my favor uh but now they don’t want to talk to me anymore well that means that they never plan on integrating you into their life sometimes we have to let people go right like like for like for instance the
Thing was all state All State let me go now I’m team Progressive right now I’m a diamond member of progressive they not sponsoring any of this right I’m a diamond member because that was so long ago we have an excellent driving record right um we have a lot of stuff insure
With them so they’re happy right but also they had to let me go because I didn’t go by their rules I look like a liability to them three tickets in 45 days come on this brother must be a train wreck right they enforce it and I learned right so sometimes you have to
Do that all right you’re not late TDM here we are all number three um what kind of lover or partner are you these are the questions you want to ask when eight questions to ask when dating to avoid getting hurt and make sure you have the right fit all right uh
What kind of lover or partner are you I want to know what kind of how do you love someone ask you that y’all what would you say how do you love if someone ask me that I’m gonna say look I’m gonna listen to you I’m a
Listener I’m a listener and then I’m a talker and I’m a talker too right so my love language is I’m going to listen to you I’m going to pay attention to you I’m I am also a fixer if you’re asking me what kind of lover I am I’m a fixer
All right so I’m a man I’m a psychologist y’all I’m a minister y’all know I’m a fixer if you have a problem I’m gonna try to fix it right it ain’t even my issue right if you tell me that your sister is overseas and and uh she
Doesn’t have the money to come home for the holidays I’m think thinking about how can I help her does that mean I put a little bit on ticket does that mean I start researching last minute tickets does that mean we trans get the family to have a family group chat to donate
Skymile so that we can get little sister home that’s who I am as a lover girl if you have a problem I’m trying to fix it all right we need to know I need to know what kind of lover or partner you are because one one is is the opportunity
For the person you’re dating we need to see what kind of skills they are this is an asset this is like them asking what do you bring to the company what are your skills what kind of manager are you what kind of sales rep are you what kind
Of doctor are you what kind of attorney are you I need to know are you willing to get in the mud with me and fight if the other person don’t want to fight fair all right what kind of attorney are you all right I see you I see you
Anointed all right voice I see you I appreciate y’all all right so I need to know what kind of lover of partner you are and I want you all to know what kind of lover and partner you are because I need to see if that’s a fit
Are you the kind of person that tells me how you feel or do you keep that inside I’m the kind of person I need to know why you feeling me I want I feel you because you listen to me I feel you because you attracted to me I I I I I
You know I’m feeling you because you consider my feelings and I like I like that little thing you do with your eyes I need to know why you like I need to get hear words of validation as to why you feeling me and I also need to hear
Appreciation are you that kind of lover are you that kind of lover you gonna open up your mouth and communicate uh what kind of lover are you are are you someone that when you get mad can can can you can you stand in the Can You
Stand The Rain or do you tap out what kind of lover are you are you one of them resilient lovers all right or do you tap out or am I gonna be the one fighting for the relationship trying to duct tape this thing staple this thing
Together and meanwhile you out no I need to know what kind of love and partner you are upfront do you compromise all right y’all get it that’s number three that’s number three number four W let’s get to it I need to know what trust means to you yeah Charlotte says she’s the same
Way I need to hear words of affirmation you know I get aroused hearing I know y’all don’t care about that but that is arous arousing to me hearing how I get it done for you why you feeling me right I need to know those things I I may I
May know them but sometimes insecure and we forget them if no one tells me I’m funny I forget that my jokes are funny if no one tells me that I’m smart I forget that I’m smart I need to hear it if I’m considerate I need you to say
Babe I really appreciate you being considerate of my family right I know they’re a lot but you entertain them I appreci that’s all I need play how many y’all like me that’s all I need just open up your mouth and communicate with me right Chen said La communication
Gonna run me off but words are my love language right you know bam y’all get it and then here’s number four what does trust mean to you what does trust and fidelity mean to you what does faithfulness mean what does trust mean I need to know I need to know first of all
Are you trustworthy tell me about your past relationships and what trust means to you and trustworthiness right I need to know what that means that means so this this this can open up uh so many different things um uh this trust mean you trust me as far as you can see
Me or just trust me you can trust me in ambiguous situations do you trust do you naturally distrust or or trust people I need to know if you see me talking to another woman and I hug her are you going to immediately distrust me are you going to
Trust me and give me the benefit of the doubt and ask maybe that’s my cousin maybe that’s my homie what’s one of my maybe that’s one of my homies is who’s who’s I’m praying for um and when you come up you gonna read the situation I
Know y’all like hold on that don’t sound right right you don’t need to hug anybody you praying for maybe I do depends on who it is but you need to fill out the room right what is your background with trust have people treated you right and you going into
This mostly trusting right are you going into this because you’ve been mishandled mostly distrusting have you worked through that let’s have a conversation about trust this is going to be a conversation he or she wants to have too they gonna be like Oh I’m ready to have this conversation
Right when you’re mad can you stay loyal right um uh can you trust with money when you don’t understand can can you fall back to a man that has means and allow him to handle a situation without you all up in the Kool-Aid right or do
You need to be integrated into that do you need to say no right I need to I need to know what we’re doing because I want to be a a co-contributor to solving the problem I don’t want to be laidback let’s have a conversation about trust or
It just depends on the matter it depends on our uh on our title are we talking about my husband my wife are we talking about my boyfriend my fiance what we talking about right what we what we talking about so so so trust right I need to know what trust is like what
Does that mean because some people can say you don’t trust me and they use that as a form of manipulation and they don’t want to communicate and then there other times where we’re so anxious that we don’t know how to we don’t know how to trust anyone because maybe you’ve been
In a relationship where the people you’ve trusted have done you wrong can we just open up instead of fighting each other in this gender War can we open up and admit that we all been hurt and there’s a lot of stuff on on my sisters
A lot of stuff on my brothers and that we’ve been through stuff let’s handle each other gently but let’s make sure that this is fit so that when we date when we connect even if we need to make pivots in our relationship our marriage that we understand that trust may not be
That easy or or it might be easier for you than for me because you had the blessing of having trustworthy people whereas one person didn’t let’s do it the right way all right number five um because I’m a man of faith and you can remix this but I’m
A man of Faith all right I need to know what you believe about God I don’t need to know that if you believe in God I need to know what you believe about God I need to know but this is for me and I know a lot of my followers are believers
But you know I am respectful right I didn’t know what you I for and I want you to personalize this for you I need to know what you believe about God but you can say I need to know what you believe about spirituality I need to
Know what you believe about Allah I need to know what you believe about Jehovah what fill in the blank about whatever you want to do because we’re trying to find out your Spiritual Development we’re talking about blending aren’t we blending specially I mean spiritually I
Need to know what you believe in God do you do you believe that all pastors are are are praying on you believe in the word of God do you believe in God but you have some issues with some Pastors in the church do you believe that God is
The head of our household so that means if I’m submitting to him you’re not really submitting to me you’re submitting to the god in me right and it’s mutual submission that’s another question to ask about what kind of lover are you and what kind of trust you
What’s your what’s your what let’s talk about submission and respect and what that means mutually what does that mean right uh do what do you believe about God do you believe that God is just like the Easter Bunny and and and and Santa Claus you to believe that that there is
A God in your life that knows exact what we need and can we both defer to him when we disagree and just every day are you open because I’m I’m a man of Faith right are you open to having Bible study with a brother are you open to fasting
And praying are are you open to um uh going to church are you open to let let’s just say i’ I’ve I’ve seen I’ve counseled couples of different religions um man might be a Nation of Islam and wife might have grown up chrisan Christianity you know that’s a no no
Right that’s a no no right one Jehovah Witness other one’s not you’re not even supposed to be communicating according to one of those with Jehovah Witness you know now you’re supposed to be in community right but you still found in love how do you negotiate that what do
You believe what what what do we do about that so that we can come together under God if that is your belief how do we move together even if we have differen of opinion right like do you respect that or you just going to bang me upside the head with God right you
Gonna quote scriptures or you gonna say I have some questions right am I allowed to have questions am I allowed to to to ask some questions about what I read or do I have to just be just believe it because that’s what you say come on
Let’s talk about it right let let let let let’s let’s do it says in the social media world I need I need someone that had these questions asked right and someone says you have to give me a reason not to to to to trust you right
Someone saying yeah this is the you know I need know I dated minister right so um and someone says is it okay for a man I’m a at woman to not be religious it depends on what fits for you do you want what I want right do you want what I
Want are we a fit for each other now there A lot of times people there A lot of times people um are open this this thing called nuns n o n s nuns where there’s a large body of people especially here in America that don’t believe in anything none I don’t believe
In none I don’t I’m not anti- God I’m not proog God I don’t really believe in anything I just believe in treating people right uh eating the right Foods being healthy and being spiritual they don’t really believe in anything right so they’re call they’re categorized as
Nuns I’m nothing I don’t mean that in a negative way but you can’t box me into something well there’s someone that might identify as a nun right or just believing but they’re open hey I’ve never been to this kind of church I like the way your pastor all right when that
Pastor start talking about you know uh uh you know Mutual submission where it says in the Bible you go back and you read the book of Ephesians says submit yourselves one to another right or we start looking at the qualifications for submission that a man has to treat his
Wife as he would treat himself that he has to actually treat his wife like Christ treats the church well what woman would have a problem respecting a man that treated her like Christ treats the church or treats her like he treats himself if he treats himself well and
Then Mutual sub mission in the word what do we what do we believe right like what do we believe like you can have these conversations upfront early on the relationship or maybe you need to have them now because you like I need to ask my I need to ask my husband right you
Know and someone says Hey as long if you believe you’re a Christian or you’re a Muslim or you Jehovah as long as he loves me I’m good with it so I’m trying to tell y’all we are not monolithic right meaning like we don’t all believe one thing right like there’s people
That’s like no that’s a deal breaker for me we don’t share the same Rel religion it’s a deal break and there’s someone that says hey it depends right and we need to find the person for you and this is what’s helping you to do that right
Someone else says this is a deal breaker if you don’t have an active fellowship with God that’s a deal breaker right with someone else that may not be a deal breaker do are you moral do you are you open to receiving Christ in your life are you are someone else might say are
You open to seeing a different way of life all right yeah we can do it these are the questions you need to ask are y’all getting it that’s why friendship is so important right I’m reading this someone said um Sahar says this is why Sahar to start say this is
Why friendship is so important you have to get to know people first y’all they say relationships are friendships on fire so we get together too fast we have lust for one another strong like a girl I like I like the way you look at them
Jeans and the way you talk back to me that’s enough to get me y’all y’all know I’m dramatic right oh I like I like that talk back I do I do like drama my wife is from Englewood by Way South Central I wouldn’t have any wack other way her
Name is Mecca Mecca Sierra right you know you get what I’m saying I I like that you might like what you like right uh but that ain’t gonna get it I have been there before well I like the same thing and then sister girl didn’t know how to communicate when she was talking
I’m not talking about my wife but I’m saying then you you’re arguing then you’re yelling and then you know what if if Usher comes up on the scene you know it loyal trust depends it depends right do you want what I want it depends if I
Can upgrade from you if you’re the best I can do L keep it real let’s just keep it 100 right let’s keep it 100 someone said Body Mind and Spirit if you can’t talk about it all we don’t need to be in a relationship that
Doesn’t work for me can you get it see these are the questions you ask upfront now that doesn’t mean that we’re checking off a list of someone being perfect man or perfect woman I’m just trying to find chemistry I’m just trying to find fit but what I’m really looking
For is if we disagree can we have a meaningful conversation when we come to the Middle where you feel me that that God is important to me right and I come to the middle as to why you distrust you know God have you ever been introduced to him has has someone
Um um taking advantage um of you right there are priest out there that do the wrong thing all right okay that’s a different conversation if that was your only exposure uh to Christ was a priest who violated your boundaries we’re gonna have that’s a whole another conversation
Versus you don’t love God right um Paul said my husband and I were friends forever before we got married right all right let’s get to number six because I promise you eight and I’m G get y’all out here on time uh six how do you handle
Conflict oh that’s a good one that might be number one how do you handle conflict and I would leave that open don’t even give them categories don’t say do you cool down do you get mad just how do you handle conflict we want to know what you do
Well I would ask them give give me an example of when you have conflict in a romantic relationship and how you handled it tell me now someone has never handled conflict well they are not going to be able to make up something that’s gonna be plausible they gonna try but you
Gonna see right through it right uh and then two I want to know what needs work come on y’all we gonna have a little therapy session uh what do you do well when it comes to conflict right now write this down drop it in the chat what
Do you do well when it comes to conf conflict that’s GNA be the first question all right I tell you what I do well I’m one of those people that if we have an argument I am going to think of every possible solution to solve it
You’re not gonna have to come find me to do a repair attempt I’m gonna come find you so hey baby you know what when I was thinking we were arguing about what to do with the kids on the weekend and we had difference of opinion you know what
I called three people and they gave me a different perspective and I’d like to talk about those three perspectives with you to see if we can come up with a deal I’m trying to resolve the conflict quickly I’m I’m G come I’m going approach you I’m gonna find you I’m
Going to spend the time that we’re you’re spending cooling off or not talking about it finding Solutions I’m really good at that I’m not gonna just let it sit I’m gonna try to solve it okay what are you good at and then also what needs work all
Right someone said I’m good at calm I’m I’m good at being calm o That’s what I’m not good at all right I need to work on being calm matter of fact y y’all hold me accountable y’all send me DMs y’all send me text for those you that have my
Sale you know whatever social media you follow me on DM me and ask if I have signed up for my yoga class y’all don’t let me slide on that I need to be calmer it is important to my entire family it is important how I relate to them I want
To be calm I want to be composed and that is not my natural Aura y’all see all this passion this this is cool for for for what y’all watching this is cool for entertainment can you imagine dealing with this all day you like that might be a little intense and I want to
Be intense when it’s time to be intense and I want to be calm when it’s good for my family I want to set the temperature in my house uh in a in a way in which everyone in my house including my two daughters and my son can’t receive it
All right so BJ d uh for DST thank you for that Chris I try to see things from the other person’s point of view right that’s what he’s saying I want to see things from your point of view I want to get you I don’t I’m not trying to agree
With you that’s what Chris said I’m just trying to feel you I just need to feel where you coming from how can I have an opinion on what we’re going to do before I feel y’all that’s farmer n right there y’all giv him his credit right um uh I I see my
Brother AG said hey we good at having those weekly meetings and making the adjustments that’s called that’s called a state of the union meeting right where we sit down and say hey what’s working for our relationship and we start with the positive and then what needs to what
Needs to to to shift see if you’re having that like weekly or at least twice a a month or at least once a month you don’t wake up one day and your relationship just went to the toilet all right surprisingly you’re actually talking about these things real time
It’s like a sports team you down 10 time out we’re up 15 time to celebrate right Sheena says I express my feelings at the right time right good with communication right no I did not say I’m a noop i i Farm a noop my buddy Chris is
A Noe no kappers don’t come from me I did not false claim I not false claim right I am not Greek but I support all the the fraternities and sororities but no I can’t say yo my brother is I can’t do it I have too much respect for y’all
And I know y’all find me in these lean mean streets all right so yeah uh so R say she likes uh family meetings right so so so you get it all right uh someone said I noticed you get a better response from men when you get quiet not when you’re
Yelling at them all right you want a man’s attention to get real quiet right if you want your man’s attention get real quiet that works that works the other way around too right um women don’t like to be yelled at either matter of fact if you are her protector and
You’re yelling who protects her from us that’s why I’m doing the yoga piece I want to convey calmness I want that Obama calmness I want to be strong but I also want to be calm right when I’m communicating things I don’t want to say how many times I
Have to tell you to put that up my face gets me in problem in in trouble it’s not necess my voice it’s my face but my tone can be a problem too right and like I said you know how you handle conflict I’m I’m g go do the proactive fixing of
What needs to be fixed you’re not gonna have to tell me to go to yoga class because you need me to stay cool calm and collect and keep the temperature down I’m already researching that and going on social media and asking my buddies to hold me account about right
What I need to work on is the patience interrupting you know all that’s going to be helped listen y’all I’m not here to tell y’all I’m perfect matter of fact I’m very cool with being transparent so that you can be modeling I can show you better I could tell you and we’re not
Going to do things perfectly regardless of your title but once your partner tells you what doesn’t work for them once your kids tell you what does not work for them once you tell them what doesn’t work for you can we both be actively making the necessary changes so
That we can have a dope life together with all the strife and the struggle do we have to lift a thousand pounds together can we just lift eight can it just be easy lifting in a relationship you feel me do do what you need to do to
Get better at conflict find out if they’re good at conflict and then his last question this is off part number six if you’re not good at it what will you do about it will you go take conflict resolution class will you go talk to someone about how to express
Your emotions you know will you will you go take a yoga class will you meditate will you exercise or if you need to speak up and have more passion because you’re the detached type some of y’all the detached you can’t hurt a feeling I refuse to have about you the minute that
Tripwire goes off we about to have an argument your defense mechanism is I don’t care what you say you can’t hurt me so I don’t care I’ve detached I’m gonna shut down I’m gonna freeze I’m a game over right that Detachment right you can’t do that either because then you show the person
You don’t I really don’t care about you I get it’s a defense mechanism but can you speak up and communicate how you feel with some passion so that but I know that you want to be here versus saying it don’t matter to me it’s whatever you want to do it’s all good I
Don’t want to talk about it are you going your side come on I can’t I can’t do it can’t do it so yelling and shutting down just opposite ends of of of of a sword that’s hurting your relationship you can’t shut down and be cool and detached and not care that’s
Different from being cool calm and collect and caring but trying to keep yourself in the box of healthy relationship you don’t detach where you don’t care like you talking to your husband your wife your boyfriend your girlfriend like they just some dude or woman off the street really we talking
About relationship you have no emotion that’s different from being calm someone said their spouse is so calm and patient I really admire that about him that’s a good match for her right and I see here the noops going back and forth talking about talking about you know when they pledge and
Where they are and y’all should do that that’s what I like about it is building uh Community right building Community all right number seven uh oh someone says I don’t do yoga because yoga is a religion you know what there definitely people that that that uh that’s that’s a
Good point that will uh worship Buddha uh but you can also integrate meditation mindfulness and yoga and also be a believer that is a good point right you don’t have to um and I’m you know I’m you don’t have to to to to worship Buddha uh to do yoga you just have to
Practice your breath work and being calm and what I do a lot of times is I pray when I am doing meditation y’all just just find the bridge but I respect see this is respectful I respect where this person is coming from and so if I’m in a
Relationship and this is a woman I’d say well let’s go meditate let’s go do silent prayer you see what I’m saying I’m not gonna do anything that’s offensive to you but on my own time I’m gonna go you know do yoga but we gonna also honor our religion all right number
Seven um how do you balance work family and marriage I need know how you balance those things and this this this this list the eight is not comprehensive because I’m thinking of some right now right you know and I’m I’mma add it on to it you know um but just this just
Eight good questions to ask when you’re dating right so number seven how do you balance work family and marriage all right let me share this fact with y’all because I know we’re coming up on time men who make cognitive room for their marriages and relationships have better relationships in marriages now
What does that mean that means that when I make room in my brain cognitively cognition for my marriage my marriage exists in real life my relationship exists in real life I’m GNA have a better relationship in marriage that means I’m scheduling date nights it can’t just be work I have to work work
Work work work I’m tired tired tired tired tired you know I have to make sure I take care of the people I’m in relationship with I’ve made room for it it exists it’s scheduled there’s date night which means I can’t work on date night right I might be able to work
Before or after date night right but I can’t do that I’m never going to work after date not y for obvious reasons you get what I’m saying but are you able to balance do you believe that family comes before marriage it cannot I know that’s controversial but if if we don’t get
Along and we’re the we’re the we’re the the the two managing Partners in this relationship doesn’t the family break anyway so so we have to make sure that we’re good as the found first of all I’m good I’m I’m good with God you’re good with God whomever you believe in right
Then we come together right and then we’re good and then everyone that’s leaning on us family right then they’re good but if the foundation is broken we’re focusing so much on our sons our daughters Facebook social media work how we gonna be good right as men this just
It used to be we just bring home the bacon right it’s not even good for your heart somebody can say that we bring home the seafood bring home the plant-based uh vegetarian the DASH diet Mediterranean diet whatever it is we bring home the the the food is going to
Keep you healthy black folks and if you’re watching you different persuasion you to be healthy too right I love everyone I don’t love everyone that’s not true I’m not GNA even say that there’s some people I’m working on I’m working on it right there some walks of
Life ah God had love for you I’m trying to get there but I’m not gonna say I’m open to to to everything I’m not I’m just respectful but I do draw the boundaries on what I need to draw the boundary on right are you able to
Balance are you able to put us first and the kids let’s not make it or let’s do and can you balance me and work can you balance me and your parents can can we love each other enough to realize that maybe we do need to spend more time with
The parents to integrate that because they’re older they’re getting up there in age right what do you believe specifically around marriage and relationships like what’s your order do you believe in keeping it real do you believe in getting us straight like if we not we not g to talk about family if
We not straight we’re not g to talk about the cousins coming over and we not straight yeah we can’t be so busy we not doing marriage and that’s what’s killing relation ships and marriage is probably the number one is that you’re in the marriage and you’re ignoring your spouse
You’re using your phone I was about to grab it but I forgot I’m on it right uh I’m using my phone to ignore you how that’s gonna work I’m spending more time at church work then spending time with my wife my husband my man my fiance the woman I I
Beg for attention right now I’m texting her back two times a week n that’s not gonna work men that make room women too now you can it’s good also it’s about really like we talked about men but it’s really about providers and now that more women are are providing right you can
Get caught up in that too do you reserve room in your relationship for me you ain’t you I ain’t signed up to be ignored I’m not gonna be second to work I know there times in which you get busy but not not fundamentally second to work
Once one work is done then Here Comes Al the one no no because I’m not gonna treat you like that hold me accountable no I’m not going to spend all the time with the kids and no time with you right I don’t care if it’s a blended family biological family adopted family foster
Care I don’t care we AG just pay attention to one another so let’s make sure that we are doing that and everything else don’t make it a or our God is abundant he can we can spend time we just have to schedule it and everyone’s winging not everyone a lot of
People are winging their relationship you’re winging your relationship you just have date night whenever it comes up people are too busy for that right now let’s schedule it and do some spontaneous dates I don’t want dates that’s that’s all of them are plan what what fun is
That right some of them need to be spontaneous all right number eight last one um how do you this is a question I said I was going to ask you know how do you maintain good mental health and make sure that you’re good so that you good to me and
Yourself how do you maintain good mental health how many of y’all ever been in a relationship with someone and their their uh mental health deteriorated maybe it was a loss in the family went through depression anxiet y bipolar um uh you know schizophrenia whatever it might you know stress let’s just keep it
Kind of most common and and who they were stressed or depressed or anxious didn’t work for you they they didn’t they wouldn’t go to counseling they wouldn’t meditate they wouldn’t go to yoga they wouldn’t prayer they wouldn’t go to a counselor they won’t go to their Pastor they won’t take time off work
They won’t go to a retreat they won’t do anything they won’t walk with his shoes off and ground themselves nothing you don’t do anything you don’t pray you don’t fast you know you don’t need some time you don’t go talk to a friend you don’t have a wellness circle with your
Buddies you don’t go out to dinner and say what you don’t do anything I need to know because I that’s what I was telling you had I with this particular young lady and I’ve done this multiple times as a psychologist I’ve dated women that did not have adequate
Mental um well-being strategies in place so everything’s cool and then something happened and then it just crashed and I’m not here to fix you I’m not your psychologist and you’re not my psychologist I’m here to support you as your man right I’m here to support you but when you have mental health
Challenges are you willing to go get help in a place that’s effective you can’t tell me I’m not gonna go to counseling okay fine where you where you gonna go then because this you’re not gonna drink and and have an attitude with me you’re not g to be so stressed
You can’t have sex with me because your libido is low you’re not going to be Snappy and argumentative to with me over long period of time because you dealing with work stress because you’re going through racism right uh or your money’s not right right go fix that my while
Dating me while being married to me go go do that don’t no no you don’t believe in that uhuh ex that’s for me y’all because I’ve been the ex if you don’t have good mental health practices and you not open to having mental health practices and self-care so that you
Don’t self-destruct and bleed on me and our kids I in the future kids where that emoji put that emoji up where that where is that can’t do it I love you I can’t bring the work home I can’t be your psychologist I can’t I’m
Gonna be bad at it I ain’t gonna be I’m not gonna even be a good psychologist to you because I’m I’m too busy being your man you’d be better off dating someone else because I’m in it I’m subjective your psychologist wants what’s best for you but I’m I’mma have secondary game
I’m gonna be wanting you to get better for me right so that doesn’t work right right and so I see y’all chiming in before I let y’all go like if you’re not making time for me um then that means you really don’t want me sometimes some
People just need the boundary to be en forced if you don’t want to spend time with me I’m not gonna warm up your plate I’m not gonna keep having sex with you I’m not gonna keep acting like everything is cool I’m not you can’t
Just tap me on the lead in the middle of the night and you not Romancing me I want to feel like making love not be obligated you can’t have everything you want because you have open access to the credit card you can’t it don’t work that
Way you gotta ask me what’s going on how I feel versus you just going out and getting these purchases without asking now I don’t mean like for permission but being on the same page about what our financial goals are come on now thank you for those emojis right all right I’m
Gonna sa this y’all boundaries if youall haven’t read a book called Boundaries I need to set a boundary uh where we are um after Date Night Comes dessert I feel you right um let some of these comments right um someone had anger management classes and in J y’all been through it
Y’all understand boyfriend went to jail for bipolar episode like like why like Gucci man and he’s on the record right Gucci Man’s mental health improved when he went to jail and listened to his wife about taking his medication Gucci’s life has elevated and there brothers who I
Will not name right that did not take their um did not take adequate care of their mental health they rather just hide it show no vulnerabilities and not fix it and blow up everything around them they blown up the wife they blown up the husband blown up the fiance blown
Up the business blown up the relationship with the children all because you can’t help your temper when your temper is manifested out of a mood disorder you refuse to even go get a consult with you won’t take medication and you won’t even meditate you do nothing you won’t do either I know this
Is bad English but you won’t do neither that’s a double negative for the English teachers out there you won’t won’t do neither you won’t meditate you won’t do yoga you won’t do prayer you you won’t do breath work and you won’t go get therapy and you don’t want medication so basically you just
Want to self-destruct and be a self-destructing bomb on me and I just got to get blown up because I’m in your vicinity I’m in relationship with you I’m connected to you no remember that show 24 no I’m not trying to have 24 hours run out and die because you won’t
Go do the right thing uhuh I Need You To Love Yourself and me enough to go do the hard work to go unpack what happened with your mom or your dad or your exes or this crazy Savage world we all live in I don’t care where you tuning in for life is real
Right now Life Is Life and for everyone whatever you dealing with whether it’s grief loss go get the support you need so that when you come to me I don’t have to do so much heavy lifting and I’m gonna do the same thing for you y’all
Got it it’s hard I get it it’s hard but don’t try to suck it up and then throw up all on me I know it’s hard losing Mama it’s hard losing Grandma it’s hard losing siblings it’s hard losing children is hard being in a racist company but you need to check it’s hard
Being entrepreneur and the answer is you you need to expand but you don’t have the money to expand but it’s working you to death if you don’t stop working to death you have the heart issues whe if you spend the money the M Life Is Life
In y’all that’s why we need to come together and partner and pray for one another and be there for one another y’all got it y’all so listen I hope y’all enjoyed this the eight questions to ask when dating men and women to avoid getting hurt write these things
Down ask yours and the bonus one I want to know what kind of lover you are physically now once we’re in a committed relationship I want to know are you a lover like what kind of lover are you what do you believe in intimacy how often would you like to be with a
Brother Do You Believe In initiation do you do do do you believe in a foreplay do you believe in Variety in our own house I don’t believe in variety outside of our house like let’s keep it spiced I want to know what you believe I want to
Know we can we can have that conversation when you get engaged you get married right if you’re all grown you can have it every time you want to I need to know are you a selfish lover is it all about you or are you trying to
Make sure I’m good and you good because I’m trying to make sure you’re good and you trying to make sure you good who makes sure I’m good how that’s going to work if both of us focus on you how this going anyway y’all got it all right I
Love y’all I’ll see y’all soon right make sure y’all check my website dart.com uh click that subscribe button if you’re watching this on YouTube you’re not watching this on YouTube that’s where a lot of magic happens go over there and watch these videos that’s where they’re saved uh you can watch
Them anytime and then we are good to go and for those of you that want dating advice for singles go to ring formula.com right now ring formula.com ring formula.com uh we start our next cohort of helping women getting healthy relationships ASAP all right excited about it thank you roller girl for the
For the for the badge thank you for what you’re doing for the contribution all right and I’ll see y’all and I’m going to start doing this at least once a week uh I had a month that was crazy crazy good I have a lot of good announcements
Y’all I’ve done some work with Kurt Franklin done some work with David man Israel Halton Lance Gross uh Anthony Evans getting ready to do some work uh prayerfully with Bishop TD Jake it’s a lot of positive things happen happening in in my life and the rest I can’t even
Say there’s some good stuff that’s that’s is contractually obligated to say nothing so God is good so I thank yall but this is why I do it for you all the people these things we ask in Jesus name amen and whomever you support all right
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