MAN: Forty-year-old Gyrese, you are not the father. MAN 2: This nigger from New York, from the olden days, bumpy son, bumpy… WOMAN: …pose some secrets that are feeding Shannon’s crystal meth addiction. WOMAN 2: Now wait a minute, Kim. WOMAN 3: Get the (BLEEP) out of my face!
WOMAN 2: What’s wrong withcha? What the (BLEEP) is your… MAN 3: All right, we already know what it is. It’s freestyle Friday. WOMAN 4: A race war has erupted at one of the nation’s oldest and most prestigious institutions. Outrage over an African-American themed party
organized by predominately white students of Winchester University… MAN 4: …has resulted in rioting and property damages. Police were called to disrupt a massive fight that broke out… MAN 5: …between African-American students and party-goers just after midnight.
To address diversity issues, the school had recently… WOMAN 4: …appointed African-American scholar Dr. Walter Fairbanks as Dean of Students. Last year, the Dean’s office celebrated slight… MAN 4: …gains in diverse applicants, but with many now calling for Fairbanks’ resignation
that may have been premature. School officials released a statement claiming that an investigation into those responsible for the party and subsequent riot is underway. An invite to the Halloween party sent via social media asked guests to liberate their inner Negro,
fry up chicken, enjoy a cough-syrup based concoction known as purple drank… SAM: Dear white people. The minimum requirement of black friends needed to not seem racist has just been raised to two. Sorry, but your weed man, Tyrone, does not count. Hey, Kurt, you home? BOY: Hey, you’ve reached Garmin House, home of Lionel Higgins, the only bitch on campus who will give you a dickscount. That’s right, hunty. The bigger the dick the less you have to pay me to suck it. Kurt, it’s Lionel. I’m locked out.
You know my parents call this line. All right. Bye. SAM: Dear white people. Apparently Morgan Freeman wasn’t enough. Obama could cure cancer and somewhere, white folks will be embroiled in protest. And he’s only half black. Talk to me. Hello there.
First time caller, long-time listener. So, Sam, how would you feel if someone started a Dear Black People? SAM: No need. Mass media, from FOX News to reality TV on VH1 makes it clear what white people think of us. Thanks for calling. COCO: I’m pissed. The whole point of randomized housing is to mix shit up. I’m out here trying to find the Olivier to my Halle Berry, and they got me out here looking like an extra on A Different World. That’s not okay at all.
HELMUT: So your YouTube show, it’s called “Doing Time at an Ivy League?” In my second year of a four-year sentence. Armstrong-Parker, that’s your housing assignment? Traditionally, it’s where the hopelessly Afrocentric gather to process their guilt over not going to an HBCU. Where the Negroes be at.
That’s not where you wanted to be, right? Bechet House is more my style. The rich white kids. Excuse me? What part of Chicago are you from? Hyde Park. What street? Seventy-eighth and… Seventy-eighth! That’s South Side, sweetheart. You know what they say. You can take the girl out of the hood, but you cannot take the hood out of the girl. There is nothing hood about me. Thank you for your time. So, how long will you be on campus for casting?
Let me explain to you the way reality TV works. I’m the producer. I ask the questions. We’ll be in touch. Your hair is so cute, B-T-dubs. Well, you’re so cute. Is it weaved? I saw Good Hair in Afro studies. So, what house did you get? Bechet, bitch. COCO: Of course. The mere thought of a Fletcher anywhere else. Oh, easy. It was luck of the draw. Daddy had nothing to do with it. Besides, if I had to pick anywhere to be, it would be here. Well, I’m down to switch.
You get your Denzel, I get my Gosling. Oh, I gots mine. Do you want to meet him? Cute for a black boy. Hey, boo! I want you to meet my friend Coco. She’s new to the house. Hi, I’m Troy. Welcome to Armstrong-Parker, home of the dopest dining hall in all of Winchester. Are we on duty? Babe, Head of House is always on duty. Well, I should get going. Thanks, Sof. Bye. Bye.
So, babe, you think I got time for a quick cut? You just got it cut last week. It’s a black thing, babe. SOFIA: Since when is OCD a black thang? Babe, please don’t say “thang” like that. Besides, you have a shift over at the politicos booth
And then you have a shift at orientation and then your advisor is coming over. Okay, you know what? I’ll just wear a hat. And then a movie maybe? Just us? Election night. Babe, come on. Yo, Kurt! My man. All right! Hey, sis. Is she kidding with this?
You don’t have to run again. Just because it’s her, it doesn’t mean… TROY: Babe, I can’t let Sam and her wannabe Black Panthers take the house. The house needs me, who I am. It’s who he wants you to be. Ah.
So you take a couple of psych classes and now all of a sudden, you think you’re Freud? A Freud reference? Sophisticated. TROY: Okay. Beck, Jung, Maslow. SAM: (ON RADIO) Dear white people. This just in. Dating a black person to piss off your parents is a form of racism.
Yo, Troy, I forget. Is your major in shucking or is it jiving? Well, my major’s in shuck. I’m minoring in jive and… Wow, you’re still majoring in trying to fuck my leftovers, right? You need a shower. TROY: Like Artie, dawg, your success ratio with the ladies went up like 30% after I started edging you up, dawg. Like, come on! You know? You went from ODB to Trey Songz. You feel me? That’s his platform? Haircuts? Oofta is as Oofta does. Yes? Someone else is running?
Just because we’re colored don’t mean we run on colored people time. Boycotting hot combs don’t make you an expert on colored people, boo. I care about each and every single one of you. I care about this house. So if it ain’t broke… MEDIATOR: All right, thank you, Troy Fairbanks. Is this because of us? I mean, because we broke up over a year ago. Mmm. You seriously think you can win? Troy, we live in a world where there’s a Big Momma’s House 3. I don’t think I have a chance in hell. Thank God.
Troy, my brother, it’s broke. ALL: Mmm-hmm. Troy is a legacy kid. And yet it’s under his watch that Armstrong-Parker, the bastion of black culture here, was gutted by the Randomization of Housing Act. Now, second years of color no longer have a say in where they go.
The culture that’s been fostered in this house for two decades will be wiped out in two years. This wasn’t motivated by a desire to mix things up, bring about racial and socioeconomic harmony, no. The black kids are sitting together in the proverbial cafeteria so they must be up to no good. Over a century of houses grouped by sports affiliations, political leanings, majors, you name it. Black kids get their own house and suddenly we got a problem? This doesn’t affect the other houses like it does ours. There are plenty of trustees, former coaches, presidents watching out for the others,
But all we have is a dean who’d rather please his massa… Yo, that’s enough of that, Sam! …than stand up for his own! MAN: Yes! MAN 2: Tell him! Yes! I know y’all ain’t gonna vote for me. Y’all ain’t ready. The Black Student Union and I have brought a petition
To repeal the Randomization of Housing Act. I plan on bringing it to the president and together, we can bring black back to Winchester. It’ll be by the door. MARTIN: Quiet! All right. I assume everyone has the app I created by now? It’s a child’s app. Good. Voting may commence. Okay. Looks like we’ve got a winner. Sam White? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Congratulations. So that’s what you’re looking for? I just wanna make good TV, sweetheart. Well, I think I’d be good TV. You’re getting a great education at a great school. Why don’t you just be good at that? I am.
And when I graduate early with an economics degree from Winchester, it’ll be the crowning achievement of my black middle class parents’ ambitions. Yeah, well, conflict is a commodity in my industry. Sam has that. Do you? So, what? You want me to start a fight.
I don’t want you to do anything you wouldn’t otherwise do. BOY: Hey, you’ve reached Garmin House, home of Lionel Higgins, the only bitch on campus who will give you a dickscount. That’s right, hunty. The bigger the dick
the less you have to pay me to suck it. Everything’s pretty locked up, but we will find a residence to move you into. Third time’s the charm, right? What about Armstrong-Parker? I don’t know if that’s… I might have an opening.
And it might be good for you to be around, you know… Dean, the worst thing about high school, and believe me, it’s a long list, were the black kids. Maybe it’s in your head, son. Sure, folks can be intolerant around people like you. And homosexuals just… I don’t believe in labels.
You like jazz, Lionel? Winchester’s like jazz. It’s a research school. And jazz is tension. The interplay of improvised solos all creating one song. Your problem is you’ve got no instrument. No major, no affiliations, no solo, son. I submit articles to The Independent Observer. No one reads The Independent Observer.
My point is are you playing swing or bebop? You’re mixing your metaphors. Are you a sax or are you a trumpet? I don’t like jazz. Look, I’ll do what I can. But not a word of this in the Observer, okay? No one reads it, right? Lionel, right? George. We had civ last semester. How’s it going? Oh, yeah. Great, I mean, good, yeah. Fan of your stuff in the Observer. No one reads the Observer. Have you seen this? The residents of Armstrong-Parker just made her head of house. Am I crazy or is there a there, there?
What made you come over here? I mean, it’s not like I didn’t… I’m glad you came, I just… My staff. God bless them. They are whiter than Michael Jackson’s kids. I mean, we’re fucked if anyone of them tries to write this story,
And I won’t let the transfers at the Gazette do it first. Well, this one has his face. You’re in the Black Student Union. You probably know Sam. You come up with a good angle, I want it in the Bugle. (SOFTLY) “Trumpet…” Bugle. Focus.
The only paper on campus with an advisor with The New York Times. Only so many ways a person can distinguish themselves at a place like this, Lionel. You’re good. You belong with us. Did you get it? Good. You’ve now got the shared calendar, contacts, and official email. And before I forget.
Event requests for the year? Just this month. They all need your approval. And don’t forget to pick your office hours. You need at least 20 per week. That’s absurd. Well, you’re now head of 100 residents. And they all need time to complain to your face about noise, leaky pipes,
Gluten-free options in the cafeteria, etcetera. Troy, I didn’t think I was gonna win. Look, I’m late for lunch. By the way, petitioning the president on the Randomization of Housing Act ain’t gonna do shit. None of the other houses are concerned. Because they all have a legacy of rich and powerful allies
Who will make sure that “random” works to their advantage. And you really think a petition is gonna change that? Hello. Yeah. Okay, well, just call me the minute there’s an update. SAM: The Armstrong-Parker dining hall is the epicenter of black culture as it stands at Winchester. Only here can you commiserate, celebrate and discuss everything
from Kanye West lyrics to theoretical relativism all in a sitting. Not to mention find someone who can actually do your hair. You’re still using your ID? I always forget passwords. You are begging to get hacked. Good thing the one evil techno-genius thinking like that is on my side.
We was robbed. That election was suspect, man. SAM: There is this one other sister in my relativity class and I’ll be damned if our professor doesn’t call me Loretta every goddamn time. We all look the same. Programming professor gets me and Martin here mixed up constantly. You should be so lucky.
Cute. You get that at Toys R Us? The Talented Tenth always has to bust its ass a little bit harder, but I don’t see what the point is in blaming white folks for everything. Who’s blaming, Blue Eyes? I really don’t see the issue. Never had one. Never ran into any lynch mobs.
SAM: Lynch mob’s still here. Just re-branded itself. As what, pray tell? The Republican party. You want to know how this world sees you? You go to a Young Republican’s meeting and bring up welfare. SUNGMI: Or immigration. Or gay rights. Bullshit. You have something to add? Me? Yeah, I do.
Look, your biggest athletes, right? Movie stars. Hell, guys, my president is black. Okay, sometimes I think the hardest thing to be in the American work force right now is an educated white guy. You’re not serious. Hey look, you guys still got affirmative action, that’s all I’m saying. I’m sorry, what exactly are you doing here? All right, check this out. You ready? Obama, right? Leader of the free world. He gets into Harvard based on you! Too late. Affirmative action.
You know who’s not president right now? No? The guy who didn’t get in. Well, on behalf of all the colored folks in the room, let me apologize to all the better qualified white students whose place we’re taking up. No, it’s fine. We’re okay. I’m sorry, did you get lost? Bechet is that way.
I know where it is. I’m actually supposed to eat there. Yeah, it’s just this is the only dining hall that you can actually get yourself some chicken and waffles. Look, you’re Dear White People, right? It’s funny. It’s funny stuff, it really is. How have we not staffed you yet? Oh, me? Oh, what? On Pastiche, your uninspired humor magazine? KURT: It’s actually much more than just a magazine, sweetheart. SNL staff is basically half Lampoon and half Pastiche.
Same goes for the network comedies. And what gives you clubhouse kids the right to come to our dining hall? You don’t live here. Sam, what are you doing? So, you can’t eat here. Chill, Sam, damn, all right? Let the man… Got this. Got this. Look, who are you to throw me out? Oh.
Well, I think I’m head of this house. And I’m doing things my way. KURT: Oh. Your way. Excuse me. Serious question. Do you know who I am? Yeah, I know your dad is the president. Good. He’s the same one that has been pushing to break up this house for a decade. What’s wrong? Is he afraid letting the Negroes gather in groups might start a little rebellion on his plantation?
Well, then you tell him from me that he should be. Bad move. Let’s go. Excuse us. (LAUGHING) Uh… You, too! Me? Yeah, I’m sorry. Do you live here? She the man. She the man. SAM: Dear white people. Stop dancing. The fuck? Yeah, well, conflict is a commodity in my industry. Sam has that. Do you? Welcome, my fans. So, I hate to do it to you, but Imma have to get real black with you for a second.
So the other day, a girl had the nerve to fix her mouth and ask me if my hair was weaved. Weaved? Really, bitch? First of all, if you’re going to fix your mouth to ask me something like that, say it right, please. It’s weave. Noun. Present tense.
Second of all, don’t assume just because you see a sister with some hair that it’s a weave. Is it? If a bitch could grow straight Indian hair directly out her own head, she wouldn’t have just overdrafted her account paying for this shit, but that ain’t your business, boo-boo.
Are those your lips, sweetie? Is that really your skin? These white girls and their tans, they’re starting to get darker than me which isn’t that dark. Dear White People. What do I think about it? Okay. Anyone have any comments for Sam’s Rebirth of a Nation? Could I? Gabe, go ahead. I dig the silent movie thing, but it’s a little self-congratulatory. Light on story and frankly, thematically dubious. BODKIN: Anyone else? BODKIN: Sam? Before you say anything, might I remind you that I sat through
Birth of A Nation, Gone With The Wind, and Tarantino Week without protest. Yeah, and might I also remind you that I read your entire 15-page unsolicited treatise on why the Gremlins is actually about suburban white fear of black culture. The Gremlins are loud, talk in slang, are addicted to fried chicken
And freak out when you get their hair wet. The only problem that I have with your film is that it was late. The silent projects were last semester. You were supposed to e-mail me your sound treatment over the summer. I have radio, BSU, now this Head of House thing.
Okay, do you want this? Look, this thing might as well be my right hand. I was busy this summer. Your peers are out getting internships, making short films. My dad was sick. I had to go home. If you need time, take it. But if you want to be here next semester… I do.
Pull it together. This is Winchester. Thematically dubious. GABE: Well, what was that supposed to be about exactly? SAM: You’re thematically dubious! Since when did TA’s give critiques? You invoke minstrelsy for shock value, to what end? To invoke the same feeling I get when I turn on the TV
And see some so-called reality star shuck and jive for ratings egged on by no doubt white producers. Or the sassy black secretary with no backstory or character development aside from her skin color. GABE: So it’s a tit for tat? SAM: Are you honestly saying that art can’t be reactionary?
You’re reacting to something that’s almost 100 years old. Yes. Because fear of black men involved in US government is a completely antiquated concept. No social relevance today. Frankly, I just think you should hold a mirror up to your audience rather than dropping an ideological piano on their head.
And frankly, I just think that works that deal with the African diaspora through a postmodern lens are outright rejected unless handled by a white artist. GABE: African diaspora? SAM: Yeah, I said it. I’m sorry, but blackface is alive and well in our culture. Who primarily buys hip-hop? Watches Housewives of Atlanta?
The same homogenized images of black people over and over again? White people, Gabe. Who goes to see Tyler Perry movies? We’re an underfed community. None of this changes the fact that the vibrancy, the complexity of black culture has been distilled into commodities and marketing schemes to be bought and sold.
To the detriment of the so called “real thing.” Got it. It means that I am indistinguishable from the so-called urban images of black folks used to amuse and market to white America. And the commodification of culture is uniquely oppressive to black people? Mmm-hmm.
So when Kanye raps about Louis V and Rolexes and classical art, exactly what exploited pockets of black America are those references being mined from? On your knees. What? You dream in Cosby again? My hair was so straight. My sweater so big. I told you about that? Hey so, this whole Head of House thing. Congrats? Yeah, it’s… It’s, uh… Weird, right? I never took you as a student politician. Yeah, well… Sam? What are we doing? Fucking. SAM: (ON LAPTOP SPEAKER) Dear white people. Please stop touching my hair.
Does this look like a petting zoo to you? GORDON: Kurt, it’s 3:00. I know it’s already 3:00. Yo, can I hit that bottle? YOLO, my nigga! We don’t even have a staff yet. I don’t understand. Why are we even planning this?
Everybody wants to be on our staff. That’s the easy part. Look, we’re doing staff picks at game night. RSVP’s are already through the roof on that anyway. Halloween is our premiere party. The waitlist is already 100 deep. KURT: Guys, we gotta do something huge to outdo this summer.
MITCH: We can always do East/West hip-hop party. Get the honeys up in this piece, you know what I’m saying? “Honeys”? You’re from Vermont. Guys, what’s the Pastiche motto? “Sharpen thy sword.” You mean to tell me our motto is a euphemism for jerking off?
No. It’s a reminder that satire is the weapon of reason. So, who on campus is being most unreasonable? You know what it’s a reminder to me of. How gay Gordon is. What do you want? GORDON: Was that even a reasonable attempt at a quip, Mitch? MITCH: Could you say reasonable one more time? It really makes you sound good. KURT: Will you shut up. Guys, shut up. SAM: Knowing Lil’ Wayne lyrics no longer earns you an Honorary Black Card.
It just reminds me of how often you say the word “nigga” when no one black is around as is required in reciting said lyrics. KURT: Look at this… God, who does Sam think she is? MITCH: Seriously, dude, it’s like
Spike Lee and Oprah had some sort of pissed-off baby. Hey. Oh. Uh-huh. Can we? Could we? How? MITCH: Easy. Hi, Lionel. What do you want? Lionel, I spoke with the dean today. We had a very enlightening conversation. And I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry about the voice message.
Do you accept? Do you? GORDON: Please put that away. Look, sometimes you just gotta talk to these people in a language that they’re gonna understand. Pathetic. What was that? All right. Wherever they ship you off to, be sure to pack a sense of humor, all right? The Tip Test.
You hit up Jelly’s for a snack. Your waitress mistakes you for someone who looks like you, black, who once ran up a $30 bill and left a dollar tip. You watch all the other customers order before you do. Pastrami sandwich on rye.
And then proceed to wait no less than 40 minutes for your food. How do you tip? A. Forty minutes? She’s lucky if she gets 40 cents. Okay, you do a good job, maybe see a tip. B. She was tripping, but 15% is the least I can do. Or C. I reject the stereotype that African-Americans do not tip.
I will leave 20, no, 25 just to prove that I can. “One hundred, Oofta, nose job”? SAM: Dear white people. In a shocking reversal, using the term African-American is borderline racist now. It turns out if you’re too worried about political correctness to say black,
odds are you secretly just wanna call us niggers anyway, and truth be told I’d rather you be honest about it. Free speech my ass. Stalin quotes for 200, please? Are you joking about this? Oh, I’m sorry.
Was I supposed to take “free speech my ass” as a legitimate suggestion? This is your office’s issue, Walter. Especially after that episode with Kurt in the dining hall. All race issues are my issues? This is a student issue. And you are the Dean of Students, aren’t you?
The last thing we need is “race war” on the papers across this country. How do you think the donor base will feel about that? The fundraiser is four weeks away. How bad is this deficit of yours? It’s worse. But I wanna make something really clear.
If this gets any bigger at all, it’s on you, Walter. Racism is over in America. The only people who are thinking about it are, I don’t know, Mexicans, probably. Come on in, son. I was just leaving. President Fletcher. You call me Herb, son. All right. Fletcher tells me his son got his ass handed to him. (CHUCKLES) ‘Bout time. Sam’s out of line. Kurt’s all right. But you’re supposed to be better than all right. Since when do we start losing elections, Troy?
Well, Dad, the Housing Act passing without a fight didn’t help. And what did I tell you about excuses? Pops, my course load is full anyway. I’m head of the Econ Board. Plus I’m, uh… I’m thinking about joining Pastiche. Pastiche? Yeah, you know, to help round out the res.
On Kurt Fletcher’s staff? I’ll be goddamned if after 20 years, you’re working for that dumbass’ son. Yes, sir. Fletcher and I graduated one year apart. He barely made it through. I graduated summa cum laude. Now, who’s president and who’s dean? What’s the difference? A few hundred thousand dollars a year for starters.
Understand what I’m saying? What happened between you and Sam that she’s coming after you now? Sofia. I mean, you do remember Sofia, don’t you? Daughter of the president. Psych major. “Has the whole world ahead of her, Troy.” Watch your tone. Sorry, sir. So you lost the house. On to the school presidency.
It’ll be good to show that the campus is capable of electing someone like you as school president. Someone like me? Someone like you. Hey, babe, hat or no hat? (CHUCKLES) Are you wearing that? I don’t have to be. Hey, boo. How about we put some of your newfound free time to good use, hmm? It’s been a while since we… What is with all this “boo” stuff? Since you fucked me with your big black cock.
It used to turn you on when I talk like that. Is it me? Sweetheart, I love you. Is it Sam? Can we please just get ready? Why? I hate my brother’s friends. So, you’re not going with me? You’d go without me? But you’re my guest!
I mean, you can just hang out here and I’ll… What is it with you and my brother? Are you in love with him? Is this some DL shit? “DL shit”? Wait, Sofia, hold on. Just stay. No, I’m not. All right, you can… I’ll go with you. No. I’ll go with you. Sofia?
ANNIE: Oh my God, he did not. GEORGE: Oh, he did. ANNIE: I could do better. Wait, wait, wait, quiet, quiet. I want to watch this. If a bitch could grow straight Indian hair directly out her own head,
she wouldn’t have just overdrafted her account paying for this shit, but that ain’t your business, boo-boo. Oh, my god, I am so sharing this. Send me the link. I totally will. ANNIE: Who is that? New staffer, maybe.
Don’t worry, the Negro at the door is not here to rape you. So this is what editors do? We’re taking a break. What are you doing here? You said you wanted me to drop in and tell you how the story was going. Like next week.
It’s Saturday night. You don’t have anywhere else to be? Well, it was either this or the new Madea movie. Oh, dear God. Where does she go this time? Dialysis? Man, fuck Tyler Perry! Yeah, can we have a movie with, you know, characters in them instead of stereotypes wrapped in Christian dogma? Why is every educated person inherently evil? Why is this nigga in a muthafucking dress all the muthafucking time? How come the only black movies Hollywood wants to make
Are ones with black mammies in fat suits? Or black women in pain, man? So basically we got black people dying in the past and black people dying in the present. Most people are here to see Fang 9. It’s got 2 Chainz in it. Come here. Why don’t you stop stereotyping yourself and put that down. This ain’t Friday, man. Okay, whatever. Yo, Sam, we gotta talk about this protest, girl. When are we are taking the housing fight to the president? House voted down sponsoring the rally. What do we need it sponsored for?
Demonstrations that aren’t sponsored by a house can get shut down. Like the house you’re head of? Hey, Sam, I read Ebony and Ivy. What’s with the “Oofta, nose Job, one hundred” stuff? You want me to break it down for you? Yeah. MITCH: You wanna know an ideal Friday in my world?
A fifth of whiskey and my T-Bone Walker records. Real talk. Yo, I’m sorry. Who the fuck is T-Bone Walker? Only the most influential pioneer of electric and jump blues, bra. Know your roots, player. There are only a few ways colored folks can survive at a place like this.
(SIGHS) White folks always be on stuff like decades too late and y’all wanna try to act like you discovered some shit. And “Oofta” is a jazz-age term for Bojangle types who blacked it up for white audiences. Rock, jazz, blues. Nigga, what you got on right now? Some PE. Public Enemy, my nigga.
Yo! Mmm-mmm. Watch that, man. Hey, you just called him… Look, y’all get country clubs, we get to say “nigga.” An Oofta modulates his blackness up or down depending on the crowd and what he wants from them. MITCH: What about golf, man, or all of our girls? What do you mean all your girls? Well, there’s OJ, there’s Wesley Snipes, there’s Tiger Woods. Troy over here. Exactly. Yo, there’s a word for that. Okay?
Reparations. Forty white bitches and a mule. You know, I think Troy would be great for the talk show, don’t you think, Kurt? I fold. SUNGMI: Okay, and a nose job is a wannabe? Sort of. Have you seen this? No. SAM: Dear white people using Instagram.
You have an iPhone and you go on hikes. I get it. Nose jobs smooth their black edges and try to blend in. Wassup, Ma. Mmm-mmm. Don’t talk like that. Don’t I know you from somewhere? Where do I know you from? No, no. We totally know her. Oh, yeah, video girl. Check it out.
I hate to do it to you, but Imma have to get real black with you for a second. SAM: A nose job’s worst fear is that their blackness might cause a fuss or draw undue attention, so they use it to self-deprecate.
These white girls and their tans, they’re starting to get darker than me which isn’t that dark. Mmm. Forty thousand views already? Yeah. GORDON: Looks like somebody submitted you on Buzzfeed. You’re blowing up. (IN URBAN ACCENT) Hey, you want me to get you a refill or something?
Let me guess. You’re from Ohio. Uh, no, I’m actually from Vermont. But the west side, you know. So what’s your beef with Dear White People? COCO: Dear White People. How do I feel about it? It’s blacker than thou propaganda
from a bougie Lisa Bonet wannabe, who smells like patchouli. And frankly, I can’t believe we’re letting Sam get away with it. GORDON: Serious. That’s good. That’s nice. SUNGMI: And one hundred? Just keeping it one hundred. Just being black as hell just cause.
SUNGMI: What about just being yourself? Like I said… You don’t mind, do you? Of course not. SAM: There are only a few ways colored folks can survive at a place like this. All right, so then what? So then Sam says, “Is daddy scared that the Negroes
“are gonna start a rebellion on the plantation?” GEORGE: To Kurt Fletcher! Yeah! (CHUCKLES) Okay, we’ve got a news item, but there’s something bigger here. It’s a profile piece on Armstrong-Parker and Sam White’s pseudo-revolution. What’s the headline? “Outdated Nationalist Seeks Purpose, Starts Race War?” Beer’s in the corner. We’ll bang out the news item tonight, we’ll work on the profile piece next week. Yo, man. You know, I wasn’t talking about Sof with that whole 40 bitches thing, man. I was just, you know… Just what? Just trying to get on my staff? I mean, I haven’t really thought…
Come on. Bullshit. Look, Game Night is when we make our bids for the new staff, okay? That’s why this guy’s here, and it’s why everybody’s here. I just think having good hair and carrying on with a degree of sophistication doesn’t make me a traitor to the race. Absolutely.
You wanna know why they used to call me black Mitch? Absolutely not. Nobody called you that. What were you doing back there? You pranced in there. You’re like about to bust out some kind of tap dance. Come on, man. I’m a poli sci major, bro. I just came to hang out.
Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Either way. My staff, they like you. A lot. But you don’t. Look, this thing with you and Sof… I’m good to her. It doesn’t matter. Our dads have been playing this chess match off and on since 1972. Oh, what, and Sof is the white queen? You’re a pawn, Troy.
And maybe it’s time you got off the board. Here’s the deal. Every year we throw a party. Right? The whole point is to mock the self-important and moronic entities of the campus. Now, one way to get staffed is to write an invite for the party. Our invites, they’re freakin’ legendary.
You know, every year we make the Gawker, we make The Post, tons of blogs. The important thing is if your invite is the one that is picked to be sent out then you’re guaranteed a spot on our staff. Okay. So what’s this year’s theme? It’s… I don’t know.
But your party’s like two weeks away. Yeah, I know. Kurt, I want you to meet someone. Do you know Coco? You guys got a party coming up? Gotta rally, Sam. Time is now. Reggie, use your head. Do you really think that a rally is gonna change things?
It’ll do a hell of a lot more than a radio show or views on YouTube. Oh, okay. Look, we got power. Okay? And it’s time we used it. We earned it. We? That’s funny, ’cause I didn’t see you running for shit, Reggie. Sam. Really? Tired. Don’t one word me.
Did we go too far? Did we pass Armstrong-Parker? No. I’m, um, Garmin. Fancy. Why you always gotta snap on me all the time? I’m around you 24/7 like a lapdog and I don’t even really be messing with no Redbone chicks like that. Don’t call me that. Girl, I thought you was Puerto Rican when I met you. Okay.
Oh, you can dish it, but you can’t take it? No, I am taking my ass home. George… I’m not really down with Sam. And I am not in the BSU. I got kicked out of Armstrong-Parker, same as Kurt. But I’m gonna write a good article. Okay? Come on, Sam.
You know how I feel about you. How am I supposed to know how you feel about me? You know what? Forgive me if I see something in you. Something inspiring. Something folks like me can get behind. Tell me you’ll set up the rally. I’ll set up the rally. Absolutely.
KURT: Right? I think so. I think it’s bold. I think it’s ironic. I think it’s everything we need and don’t tell me I’m the only one that thinks Sam White’s little movement needs to be cut down to size. Right, right? GORDON: Yup. KURT: Beautiful. Mitch, you got your hip-hop party, man.
“Barty-barty.” I’m telling you, man. It’s gonna be huge. Fucking epic. If you’ll excuse us, we will be in touch. Troy, get off the board, man. Well, it was nice seeing you again. Where’s Sofia? I have no idea. Can’t wait to see what story you come up with. Night, Lionel. Uh-uh-uh! Party’s not over.
LIONEL: It’s 2:00 in the morning! Sorry, bro. Invitation only. Trouble in paradise? Figures. Nothing. I’m sure you have something else fair and petite and fair lined up for that drink. And what’s that supposed to mean? Oh. No, really, it’s fine. I’m not even really into black dudes anyway. TROY: Coco, huh?
COCO: Colandrea doesn’t exactly pass the resume test, you know? Couldn’t you fucking die? I mean, my parents really should have just named me Ghetto-ass-hood-rat- ass-Anisha. Do you indulge? Yo, it is 10:00 a.m. I don’t mess with that stuff. TROY: You sure you don’t like black guys?
COCO: Girl like me is just a placeholder for y’all at a place like this. I’m not like that. I don’t think Sam would agree. Poor thing. She was light skin-ded and everything. Hell, I said it wasn’t like that. All right?
TROY: My pops, he wanted me with Fletcher’s daughter. Those two have been in competition with each other since they went here. COCO: He’s not gonna like you running with those Pastiche boys, is he? If I even get tapped. You will. You should do it.
They all land somewhere big, some before they even graduate. I’ve seen you in front of a crowd, Troy. I bet you could be famous. So is that what you want? To be famous? I want people to know my name. Which one? “We want you. Come by Ellington tomorrow at 8:00.” Anything? Let me see. You’re going to have to stand up to him sooner or later. You said you loved me. I like you a lot. What do you do when you go in the bathroom? Was it just to get away from me? I smoke weed and I write jokes. What the hell are you doing?
BOTH: This is my apartment. Like hell it is. Dean said this was the only opening. Well, Head of House doesn’t share. But you’re not Head of House. Yo! Come on, guys! You serious? Hello. Finally made it in. You moved around a lot, right? You must’ve been terrified when you saw Armstrong-Parker written on your moving assignment. I was just finishing up. Black people scare you? No. You’re too scared to even ask anyone for a cut. I’m growing it out.
He’s growing it out. You’re fostering an ecosystem. My man, how come you never come to BSU? I listen to Mumford and Sons and watch Robert Altman movies. You really think I’m black enough for the union? Yo, I love Robert Altman. Mutha fucka goes in. All right.
We’re not all homophobes, you know. Black folks? REGGIE: I’m listening to Frank Ocean right now. I don’t give a fuck. I’m late for class. Look, you’re the new black voice on the Bugle. We’re just trying to figure out if you’re a friend or a foe. We got to protect our girl.
I’m not even on staff. I mean, I have to make good on my assignment. Assignment. What’s the story? It’s a profile piece on black culture here at Winchester. Of which you are so clearly an expert on. Tell me, man, what’s harder? Being black enough for the black kids
Or black enough for the white ones? Being neither. Really, Sam? Running late for your little rally? Forget your sign, Dean? You honestly think this is in the spirit of Armstrong-Parker House? The role of counterculture is to wake up the mainstream. I have furniture older than you. Counterculture? Is that what you think this is? Your little show? What about my show?
Your show is racist. (SCOFFS) Black people can’t be racist. Prejudiced, yes. But not racist. Racism describes a system of disadvantage based on race. Black people can’t be racist since we don’t stand to benefit from such a system. Your antics are making press, Sam.
And press like this keeps men like president Fletcher up at night. Warm milk? He’s building a file on you. Okay, it’s not my fault that your son couldn’t beat me in an election. I’m sure it was tough growing up. Wondering which side you fit into. Feeling like you have to overcompensate, perhaps?
If that’s true, Dean, I’m not the only one. Hey, give me a hand, would you, brother? Here you are. Are you ready? Have one over there? Have one over there. There you are. You know we supposed to start at 12:00, right? Yeah. I told you I had class.
REGGIE: This is going up on Gillespie. It’s good, right? REGGIE: Yo, what’s… Yo, you ain’t getting cold feet? No. But how long do I have to talk? You’re kidding me, right? You’re sort of the keynote. Look, Reggie, I think that the whole Malcolm X thing is more your lane. I’m just not…
REGGIE: These people came here to see you, Sam. Grab a bullhorn. Turn it on. Hi. You know, I’m kind of in the middle… Okay. Okay. Okay. I, um… You ready? Sam. Sam! Sam, you have our protest permits! Sam. Sam! Do you want me to tell him to go? SAM: You’re so tough. I will. I want you to wait until they’ve gone,
And then I want you to head home. I’m trying to be here for you. Can you be somewhere else for me? Sam! We know you’re home. We just want to talk. What do you see in him? The only eligible single brother on campus. (CHUCKLES) Okay. Okay.
What, I get it. Your parents owned in Harlem or something, right? You watched Do the Right Thing in high school, and now you just want to prove to the world that you’re down? I want to be down? How long does it take to get your hair like that?
Yo, Sam! Open the door. I will call you tomorrow, Reggie! Damn. You don’t understand. Girls like me… What? Have to pick a side? I’m sick of your tragic mulatto bullshit, Sam. You can’t say mulatto. Mulatto! Mulatto! Mulatto! Did somebody say mulatto? Window. Go out the window.
I’m sorry if I can’t be your Nubian prince on my black horse ready to take you back to fucking Zamunda! That’s not a real African country. Can I at least get a little credit for a solid Coming to America reference? This isn’t you, Sam. No? And who am I? You’re this girl…
Perceptive. …who likes to argue with me about every fucking thing. And I hate it because we both know you’re smarter than me. Your favorite director is Bergman, but you tell people it’s Spike Lee. You love bebop, but you’ve got a thing for Taylor Swift.
I know because my Mac picks up your Mac’s library. I was so careful. You like to watch me when you think I’m sleeping and trace the outlines of my face. REGGIE: Sam, what the hell, man! You’re more Banksy than Barack, but you’ve been co-opted as some sort of revolutionary leader or something? But really, you’re an anarchist. A shit starter. A beautiful filmmaker and beautiful in general. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah? Okay, get some sleep. Everything all right? His condition is stable. Good. That’s good, Sam. REGGIE: Open the door! Sam. Gabe. What? Sorry. Your video’s picking up steam. I told you I was good TV. Yeah, the show I’m scouting for, it’s called Black Face White Place. It’s a reality, like True Life. Every episode focuses on a different one of us in a sea of them. Interesting. Interesting? You think they want interesting dignified stories of triumph and survival? No.
They want the “authentic urban experience” which is basically network talk for bitching and weave pulling. I’m telling you this because the network wants to pick a certain subject to go to series. I’ve got one episode. One shot at that subject. So if we do this… We do it all the way.
Guessing Sam turned you down? I think so. She called me a Bojangling Oofta, whatever that means. 40,000 views, it’s good, but it’s not great. Well, I’m about to get a whole lot more. Look, we don’t have anybody like you and you had a great idea so we’d… I wanna emcee it. Your party.
Okay. Okay, well, um… Look, we’re here to talk to you about what we want. You want me. And in order to get me, you have to let me emcee your party. Oh, and I’d also like to do a live video blog for my web series.
HELMUT: They’re really gonna let you do that? They’ve got to. They need me. Without me, you guys look like a bunch of privileged assholes. Right, well, we don’t really let people “video blog” our events. Well. You got a week to put this thing together, boo-boo. So what’s it gonna be?
You look surprised. It’s just not everyone’s as camera ready as you are. KURT: The important thing is if your invite is the one that is picked to be sent out then you’re guaranteed a spot on our staff. WOMAN: (ON TV) The sci-fi marathon continues right now. ANNOUNCER: Just over nine minutes to go in this quarter. They need to score on this drive. (CHEERING ON TV) Troy, come on in. Martin, share with Troy what you’ve just shared with me. The server that processes the voting results for house elections has shut down the AP database.
Apparently, the intermediary program is on a refractile loop. I’m a poli sci major, man. Sam currently has 445 votes. That’s 200 more than she had last week during the actual election. She cheated. She hacked the system. I wouldn’t even know how to do a thing like that.
FLETCHER: Is this little war of yours really so important? Look, I understand the pressure to stand for something at an institution like this, but you’re barking up the wrong tree, okay? MARTIN: Had to have been Reggie. Guy’s in my programming class. Good. Just forgot to turn his program off. Wow.
You’re the rightful Head of House. So great. Martin, let me speak to Troy for a bit. I appreciate this. Your advisor tells me that you’re hanging on by a thread in your major. Maybe it’s time for you to re-prioritize. You’re trying to frighten me, but I think you’re the one who’s scared.
And I think that you long for days when blacks were hanging from trees and denied actual rights. That way you would have something to actually fight against. You’ll be facing two hearings in the coming weeks that could end in either suspension or probation. One, on the merit of your show.
The other, on your election to Head of House. Your responsibilities to your house are suspended. Your show is dead. And if there is another one of your illegal demonstrations, it’s gonna get a lot worse. This is a critical time for this school. You’re damn right it is.
We don’t have an intolerance problem here, except for the one I’m looking at. You didn’t tell me that you and Sofia had a misunderstanding. Who did? Her father. She was very upset. What vision do you have for yourself, Troy? Get my degree. Then law school, then…
And what does that got to do with partying with Kurt, smoking weed and writing jokes? So, okay, what is it? The spotlight that Kurt gets? You wanna see yourself on TV? You know how many black men waste their lives trying to be on TV? Be rappers or ball players?
Dad, no. I want what we always talked about. Maybe have my own firm someday. Run for office. Make a difference. What about the drugs? I have been in academia a long time, I’ve seen a lot of things. And the men who really run this world? (CHUCKLES)
You’ve got no idea what they see when they see you. You are not going to be what they all think you are. You are not going to give them that satisfaction. Do you hear me? Yes, sir. Get out of my sight. WOMAN: President’s office. I’ll be right there. FLETCHER: I know about the party. What party? Yeah, cute. Let me tell you something. You picked a hell of a time. It’s the Halloween party! FLETCHER: I want you to listen to something. It’s cancelled, Kurt. End of story!
I can’t cancel. There’s like 100 people coming. Hey. Lionel’s story on the would-be protest outside Gillespie is running tomorrow. Yeah, and I’ve also got Lionel working on a profile piece of Armstrong-Parker like you suggested. Really break down what’s going on. Right? It’s almost like they recycle so much from their past.
Music, food, fashion, and now turbulence. Thank you so much. Take care. Well? That was our Times advisor. He said it’s stories like these that get editors letters of recommendation. The Negro at the door didn’t scare you this time? Lionel, please. You’re only technically black. G, going to French. Should I save you a seat? GEORGE: Yeah. Thanks. You need something? I saw your e-mail. Oh, yeah, I need someone to do the donors event on Saturday. Small dinner for the school’s big givers.
That’s Halloween night. Right. Which is why no one else will take it. Ah. Thus the new guy. I’m going to class, but you can stay and check out last year’s piece if you want. You’ll do fine. I don’t know. Is there gonna be any racially fueled outbursts at this thing?
You never know, right? Hey… Am I a good writer? You’ll get better. And we need you right now. Please, you’re just one big recommendation away from the Times. Hey. There’s a big party after the donors event. Call me after, maybe we can hang? Yeah. Yeah, sounds good. KURT: Dear white people. Are you tired of your humdrum, Wonder Bread existence of accidental racism
and wishing you could sip on Henny out yo crunk cup without a bitch giving you the side-eye? Course you are. For all those looking to unleash their inner Negro from years of bondage and oppression, Pastiche proudly presents
“Dear White People,” our 89th Annual Hallow’s Eve Costume Party tonight at 10:00 Pacific Time or 5:00 colored people time. Dudes must rock FUBU, Ecko, Rocawear, or Sean John. XXXL is the smallest size T-shirt you can wear,
preferably with a collage of Barack Obama and Tupac on it. Ladies, we need to see huge hoop earrings, long nails, and cheap tight clothes. A proper hood rat starts fights, speaks loudly
and when she can’t think of the word she’s trying to say just makes one up, such as “edumicated.” Now feel free to fry on up some chicken, bring some Kool-Aid, watermelon, 40s and of course dat purple drank.
Naturally, there will be a freestyle rap competition, so bring it and join us for the party of the year! Oh, and nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Boy that felt good. It’s funny seeing you here. Pops likes to show me off at all these donor functions. So, Picard or Kirk? Kirk. Wait. I saw you… Yo, what happens at the crib, stays at the crib. Not trying to get my card revoked. Someone could say that a show that had Whoopi Goldberg, Michael Dorn
And Kunta Kinte himself is a pretty black show. That work out for you? No. No, it did not. At least not in high school. Bet there’s like a statue of you in your high school. I was beloved. They know you were a trekker? So, what? You growing that out?
I think it’s gaining sentience. Yeah, it’s out there. Yeah, it’s like a black hole for white people’s fingers. They’re obsessed. I mean, you know I cut hair though. So why didn’t you just ask me? I don’t know. You’re you. GEORGE: Li, you ready, man? Yeah. Well, no costumes? I got a suit for this.
ANNIE: We just got out of the staff room. Yeah, we’re going as overworked. Where is it? Uh, Garmin House. On third I think? Third and Basin. I know it. Yo, man. If I’d gone to your high school, I’d have had your back. This is kind of fucked up, right? Pastiche. The world’s most erudite boneheads. I need another drink. Hey. Sorry. It’s all right. I just can’t wait to cut all of this off. Don’t you dare. I could eat you like a Hershey’s. I’ll, uh, be right back. Okay. Sam. Maybe run for office someday. Make a difference, you know?
If you guys will excuse me for one moment, I promise I’ll be right back. Hold that thought. SAM: So what do you want me to do? Go over and yell at them? LIONEL: Have you heard you yelling?
For the first time in my life, I can’t just sit around and do nothing. So how can you? I’m done being everybody’s angry black chick. Hey, muffins. So, how do I look? Tell me, why are white folks so obsessed with being black? Hell, why are black folks addicted to blonde Barbie doll weaves? It’s a strange symbiosis that we’re here to investigate. Hi. How’s it going? All right. This is, um… Black Student Union, yeah …Black Student Union, yeah. Yeah. ‘Cause it’s 7:30. It’s your call, man. All right. All right, y’all, thanks for coming out tonight. Looks like Sam’s not going to make it, so let’s call it. Um, hi. I’m Lionel. I know some of you, none of you know me. I’ve never been to a meeting. I plan on coming. Um… I just came from this party and I feel like you guys should know about it. What’s up, man? What the fuck is going on? All these people just showed up, man. Wait, who am I? Bitch, it’s weave, noun, present tense, ho. Okay. Okay. MITCH: Hey, man, you want a drink? Shut up. Yeah? Kurt, it’s me. I can’t do this. Okay, I’m fucking confused. TROY: Dad! Not now, Troy. Dad, it’s important. I heard there’s something happening on campus and I might have been a part of setting it off. Son, you’re being rude. Oh, am I? How about I tell all your precious donors
And anybody who will listen what kind of school it is they’re giving to? What is wrong with you? How dare you? You can’t just come over here and just talk to your father… All I say is “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” Look, I should have brought this
To you earlier, but I didn’t know what to do. Look. Can this wait? Listen to me! All right, brother. What’s the plan? We go over there. Now. Think there’s enough of us? Latinos United is meeting across the hall. Asian-American League, too. You guys got better snacks. Wait a minute, what? Yeah, dude, we all got it. I mean, everything’s cool, right? Take that shit off! Take that fucking shit off! What the fuck are you doing, man? Jesus! We’re putting an end to this, Kurt. All right. You know what? Everybody, get the fuck out of my house.
Okay? I’m calling the cops. DJ: Rap battle! Let’s make it do what it do. One, two, one, two, three! What, what, what, what! Yeah! LIONEL: I said hey! CROWD: Hey! Ho! CROWD: Ho! Get the fuck out of my house! Get off me, man! What? Say it. Come on. You know, this may come as a shock to you, but these people don’t give a fuck about no Harriet muthafucking Tubman. They pay millions of dollars on their lips, their tans, their asses, Jay Z tickets because they wanna be like us.
And they got to be for a night. I’m not about to go out into the streets in protest of a fucking Halloween party. I know you can’t help it, but why do you have to be such a fag? Looks like you got me right where you want me, huh? I didn’t do this, Sam. I didn’t do this. WOMAN: Outrage over an African-American themed party has resulted in rioting and property damages. SAM: Naturally, a dozen colored folks crashing a party was dubbed a riot. But nevertheless, the story made national news.
I’m sorry. We don’t condone this egregious event, believe me. Dean Fairbanks and I are looking into different ways to address issues of diversity. Housing reform! Housing reform… I mean, the fact that we can joke about this proves we’ve moved on, obviously, right? I mean, this day and age, if you can’t take a joke… Shit, I’m just saying this is an attack on my freedom of speech. (CHUCKLING) I’m the victim here.
SAM: The campus was divided. Was the party an act of free speech? Or was it racism? This is only a debate because of who Kurt’s dad is which just proves the point. I mean, all you do is have a radio show and look what happened to you.
COCO: This may come as a shock to you, but these people don’t give a fuck about no Harriet muthafucking Tubman. They wanna be like us. And they got to be for a night. Of course I got my dad involved. It was the right thing to do.
Then all of these posters just started showing up. I mean, why settle for Head of House when there’s a need for me as president, you know? SAM: Dear white people. You know what? Never mind. KURT: When I heard what the group was planning, I emailed my staff and I told them to quit.
That is a copy of the e-mail in front of you. Who’s this? My lawyer. So when I got the invite and saw everyone clicking yes, I figured it was back on. We know you were planning this. Your son tell you that? “Wishing you could sip on Henny out yo crunk cup”
“without a bitch giving you the side-eye?” You write this, Troy? No. Mine wasn’t chosen. But you wanted to be? What I wanted didn’t matter then, so why should it matter now? I’m the one who got you to send the police, remember? The invite came from the Pastiche Facebook account.
I canceled the party! You gotta believe me. What were your intentions when you went back the second time? To stop it. By any means necessary? Someone once told me that Winchester was like jazz. Now, I don’t know much about jazz, but from what I can tell, when your solo’s up, you better blow.
FAIRBANKS: You wanna hear something strange? The Pastiche group page hadn’t been used for months, until the invite went out. Why am I even here? What was interesting is how easy it was to access the group page. The password was “Pa$tiche” spelled with a dollar sign, according to Kurt. But it seems it’s recently been changed. Now, I couldn’t figure it out at first. Then I thought to try something. Five, seven, eight, three, five, 26, one, nine, six. Eleven numbers.
Just like our student ID numbers. Just like your student ID number. As much as you hate him, you will stop at nothing to protect your master and his boy. Did you send out the invite, Sam? SAM: It wasn’t speeches that turned the tide for civil rights. It was the anarchists willing to provoke the police, get sprayed by hoses,
anything that caused a scene and made press. That invite, whoever sent it, should have been met with derision and outrage. Instead, 100 people, your students, showed up and they pulled out posters and decorations and costumes that they had made for such an event.
And they showed our school exactly where it’s at. Well, you’ve made some new friends. TROY: I guess you could call them that. So, let’s… No, not right now, not here. Fine. No, come on, Coco. Fuck you, Troy. Look, my dad saw your videos, and he’s just a little worried about some…
How it’ll look with your campaign and all? What’s your best friend Reggie think? Hey. We had fun. All right? You know, I get that everybody else wants you to win, Troy. But do you? Hello, Sam. I read about Armstrong-Parker. Yeah, prez made an executive withdrawal, so Armstrong stays black. Congrats. I don’t know.
It’s getting a little too dramatic, man. I’m thinking about getting an apartment off campus. So, we’ll see. Sam White going against the grain? Shocking. How’s Papa White? Recovering. Good. Well… We were actually on the phone last night for hours. It’s the first time that we talked since the bypass.
And he was putting up a strong front. Teasing me about being so worried. And then came the stories about me as a little girl that I’d heard a thousand times. About how, um… Independent I was. Want to talk about it? My mom worked nights, so he’d always take me to school.
And it used to piss me off because he’d follow me all the way to homeroom. And whenever he tried to hold my hand I’d scream and pull it away. The students and the parents they’d see this white man and this black girl and they’d wonder what we were doing together.
Even at nine I could feel their eyes on me. I was just a bratty girl, I didn’t know any better, but the thought of losing him… You know? I, um… I just feel so bad. How awful am I to do that to him or to anyone that I love.
I’m sure he forgives you. You think so? So, anyway, I don’t know why I said all that. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Sam, where are you going? I don’t know. Lunch? Isn’t it mac and cheese day at Armstrong-Parker? You think they’ll let you in? HELMUT: Let me get this straight.
First you try to break up the black house. Then you take down the sister with the little radio show. Then after all of that, your son throws a blackface party. Now, wait a minute. Now if you thought you were having trouble finding money before
Just wait until cable news gets their hands on this story. I mean, Bill Maher is gonna fuck you up. You know, I’ve heard enough. I’m sorry. Look, the point is from where I’m sitting, this place is a goldmine. What? Well, we still need the stuff that leads up to the party.
That happened already. Yeah, we can re-enact it. Re-enact? It’s a documentary term. I… The point is, I can be putting together an overall deal today. I am talking real money. Turns out, the only thing Americans love in their reality TV more than ignorant black kids is crazy, racist white folks.
FAIRBANKS: Now, look here. This is an honorable institution. The idea that we would so much as entertain this… How much we talking?
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