[Applause] oh God oh God an activist quick Pretend We’re on the phone uh-huh uhhuh sorry we’re pretending to be on the phone tough spot I was here last week trying to organize a cleanup for garbage island and I couldn’t even get a page of signatures really I had to go inside and
Buy a second clipboard I got so many signatures you must really have a noble cause I do it’s called bad animals oh I hate it when people treat animals badly no there’s some really terrible animals out there just last week some elephant tried to attack a poacher bad elephant
What you can’t be serious she sounds serious I’d like to hear more I don’t have to hear more I’ll sign whatever you got beautiful hey why don’t we line up on that side for the petitions and behind me to touch the hair I can’t believe this pick a line
Buddy I feel I outgrown Walgreens someday I’d like to make it to the big city and go to a Dwayne Reed oh you have not lived until you’ve been to Dwayne Reed Dwayne Reed is magical oh they have these Divine mini nail clippers I need to hear this there’s a woman out front
Getting signatures where last week I was totally ignored Hey look it’s DJ Iron Monkey oh I love him oh my God look at his yacht he’s not only Rich he’s incredibly wealthy too but he’s also an environmentalist his yacht is solar powered forget the sun what’s power in
Those abs look at the definition on those abs yep ABS listen to what he says about his charity work DJ Iron Monkey doesn’t do it to get his name out there DJ Iron Monkey does it because DJ Iron Monkey thinks it’s amazing like DJ iron monkeyy
Music These are his own words you know I’ve never used these ribbed ones but I assume they work like Gang Busters ah home is where the Flyers are there’s got to be a better way whoa I thought you were going to be David Blaine these damn Flyers I’m telling you they a fire ha I’m sick of them makes me want to move I mean who needs Hillside Acres a gated community
Tired of all those flyers on your door oh my God I was just saying that and we wouldn’t have to put up with this trash anymore 10% off my next treat at TCBY wait a minute are these all amazing missing child I don’t see how that’s a
Deal what am I am I doing wrong that blonde outside of Walgreens was getting signatures come on Haley everyone knows blondes get more attention scientists have proven it but their research was ignored because they were boring brown-haired scientists from the gentleman at the bar looks like brunette’s get attention
Too that’s not yours that is not for you come on be serious it’s for the blonde thany she’ll be fine don’t worry about her we’re not rosal’s pizza I have a very important question do you deliver to Hillside Acres yes good good my next question which is so important that it
Should have been my first and only question do you accept half burnt coupons he’s checking he’s checking woohoo maybe dad these houses aren’t done yet besides the gates locked that is a beautiful gate and imagine how many Flyers this thing can hold wait I thought we were moving to get away from
The Flyers oh Lord no keep up Steve we’re moving here to keep the Riff Raff out the fact that we’ll be tripling our flyer intake is just a huge huge huge huge what we talking about about why on Earth we would leave our perfectly good house where our family has so many
Memories to come here it’s the godamn Riff Raff but this gate will keep them up I mean were they to try to get in they would have to kneel down raise their partner’s foot and hoist them over and who’s to say how his accomplice would get
In oh look a private mini Zoo just for the residents dad those are guard dogs well they should all be fired cuz we got in here pretty easily especially me Steve there’s our Dreamhouse where you see the one that’s bathed in that Ray of sunlight it’s the one right next to
It yeah that’s the One I’m G to go hear some jazz at Pips and see some gorgeous half black girls you want to go Francine Roger did we bring all the bags in I can’t find my hair dye Francine but if you’re there then I must have been talking to Dolly
Parton oh my God Dolly it’s such an honor to have you in our house I’ve seen Smoky Mountain Christmas like 400 times turn Dolly Spin and point your face at me as soon as you feel comfortable 9 to5 alive it’s Haley this I can work with I hope you’re
Up for some fun Blondie thanks but I didn’t dye my hair to have fun okay I did it so that people would pay more attention to what I have to say oh yeah of course that’s what I meant and I know where you can make the most difference
Celebrity charity events Roger come on I always thought those events were just publicity stunts oh no way the bigger the dollars the bigger the change that’s why tonight we’re going to a benefit at douche I don’t know I even have the perfect guide JoJo quinoa and just like
The superfood I’m for sale at Trader Joe’s behind Trader Joe’s for free we can put a pool table over here oh and this is a perfect spot for a breakfast nook Steve come pretend we’re having cereal something wrong son no dad nothing’s wrong it’s clear you’re not feeling the
House Steve what do you want me to do huh pretend I like it when I really don’t want to move in the first place damn it son don’t you get it change is good come on follow follow me son this is your room go on take a
Look out that door there tell me what you see it’s a Sund deck and there’s a Jacuzzi just imagine all the killer parties you’re going to have up here this is the house Steve this is where your life finally comes together my life’s okay it sucks but think about what it could Be I like video games I like scaredy boys ah you and I clearly have stuff we need to work Out I’m beginning to get the picture Papa this party is amazing there must be so much money being raised cocaine is so much more fun when it’s for a good cause hey speaking of causes have you ever heard of garbage Islands I can’t wait to
Hear all about it let me go grab us a couple of drinks so we don’t get dry mouth when we talk about garbage for hours I think they’re serving owl here or maybe that was a display either way I ate an owl sounds like we’re both both
Knocking it out of the park man this blonde hair is working everybody’s listening to me about garbage Islands I told you Haley I just found out about a charity gala popping off in Vegas I guess it’s for one of the hottest new causes out there how are we going to get
To Vegas easy we’ll take my private jet private jet isn’t that the most wasteful way to travel got to burn money to raise money Haley the Earth is dying we don’t have time to ride a bus well I guess it’s for a good cause let’s do
It you want to know what’s crazy this is not the owl I ate earlier see Steve when you live on a hill you can look down on everyone it’s not the only reason to live on a hill but it’s the main one yeah I’m starting
To warm up to the idea of living in a gated community mind if I turn on the Jets looks like the security patrol is doing the rounds terrible for us now but great for when we live here all right boys you’re on your own tonight I’m taking an HTML class at the
Learning Annex they say the future of groundskeeping is all online dad did you close the front door I don’t think I’m going to follow Billy Ocean on Instagram anymore he never leaves the bathroom oh Haley and Roger are tearing It Up in Vegas what Haley where are you I’m at a
Charity event in Vegas it’s my fifth one tonight we’re on a charity crawl woo honey I’m worried you’re losing sight of I got to go someone’s about to donate all over my stomach waa you’re like super hot at charity thank you you need to come with me to DJ
Iron Monkey Yacht for the biggest charity event of the decade so we’re not counting the Cherry Lewis ton in 2008 when Richard Chamberlain just showed up to sing three songs and half the audience had heart attacks actually Richard Chamberlain will be There as you you’ll see this whole yacht runs on solar power dude that shit’s tight I know also if you’re wondering why all the ladies are topess we banned all clothes made in Chinese sweat shops well if them’s the rules these were made in Canada but don’t tell
Anybody so did you find any chicks for the party yeah some blonde from Virginia she’s buying into all that charity crap so if you want to get with her just ask her about her causes cool thanks again for doing this man this probably isn’t what you went to college for so I really
Appreciate it no no it’s cool it’s cool I majored in art history but part of going to college is figuring out what you don’t want to Do Charity this feels amazing we should raise money for ecstasy we’re saving the world girl I just wish we had gum give any gum gum I love some gum let’s talk about this forever I can’t believe I’m in Iron monkey’s head Iron Monkey can’t believe you are either Iron Monkey can’t believe
A lot of things it’s so great that you’re doing this for charity uh but what’s the cause we’re raising money for again the environment no one even realizes how important the environment is I mean where would we be without it space no thanks I’m too scared of black
Holes to live there oh me too you me too Iron Monkey how about I show you around the ship so you can see all the ways this mega yacht protects this environment charity dad these dogs are Relentless when are they going to give up hang in there son
Those losers aren’t getting in yeah I called your losers do do you think they went away yeah I call them losers you don’t come back from that they’re on the roof Steve you didn’t by any chance secure the fireplace I don’t think this bit gets any funnier Steve run to the Sund Deck oh my god dad are you okay I’m sorry Steve you’ve been in my study have you seen a medical school degree on the wall I don’t know sorry for being condescending maybe it’s the first sign of rabies but then again I’m not a doctor so I don’t know sorry
That’s the rabies talking maybe you like the table it’s one solid 800 lb piece of cork the ship Builder really didn’t want me to put this in the hole but that just made me want it more aren’t cork trees endangered that’s why it’s so important to cut them down now does that make
Sense drink your wine yellow you oh monkey I got another girl lined up she’s into threesoms but I may get her to agree to a twosome I got to take this oh my God whales oh my God slave Whales this yacht’s not solar powered it’s it’s whale powered iron monkey he’s a phony what a fake he’s not changing anything he’s just partying that’s all anyone’s doing here including you you dyed your hair so people would listen to you but then you just got super drunk and you totally
Forgot to talk about your stuff I came here to make a difference and I am going to make one starting by freeing those whales he threw these out without cutting them is there no level to which he won’t stoop huh wait what Mom well this ain’t
Your daddy what are you doing here and why are you dressed like me I came because I knew you’d lost your way I’m here to remind you of who you are that’s really sweet mom but I already figured it out for myself 2 minutes ago really I
Made my hair ugly took an 11-hour flight then paid a myor and fisherman a thousand myor and money units to row me out here all for nothing no it wasn’t I need your help to do something truly good you’re going to get through Just One Nail left better make it count goodbye
Son Dad wait shoot that propane tank maybe the explosion will scare off the dogs good thinking you did it uh-oh Steve it must be connected to the main cash line this whole place is going to blow what are you doing get on hold on tight it worked dad even though we’re
Not moving into that cool house I’ll still get to have parties with girls right afraid not Steve and we should really talk about what snot was doing in your fantasy oh no they’re gaining on us hang on t wait the mailboxes are down here by
The guard gate you have to come all the way down here to get your mail I’ll screw this place I think the whales are to the right up here do you mean starboard we’re on a boat Haley start talking boat yeah whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa you guys
On a down here oh um sorry we were just looking for the dance floor I’ll take you it’s on the next deck no I think it’s right here what that’s right lady I’m challenging you to a dance off unless you don’t think you’ve got the moves oh I’ve got moves all day till
Sunday Go free the Whales we talked about this Roger you’re the one who frees the whales every time this was going to be the time you did the dance off but here we are in the whale room once Again A damn here comes the rebuttal you teach people how to treat you that was all right but let me show you how it’s done make some room make some Room whales are free it’s over we did it all he has to do is get more whales and he’ll be back at it trust me this ocean is lousy with whales now let’s end this once and for all did you kill this guy that’s it next time I’m doing the dance Off it won’t budge let’s get give up we need to find something to help us pry it out maybe there’s something in here tusks I think we can no longer deny the facts this guy is an elephant Dentist for the first time in my life I feel like I really did something to help the Earth Hy the oil spill dyed your hair back to normal everything worked out oh look my cigarettes stay dry Where have you been I sent Sten Haley to go find you if they were smart they’d start in Sears cuz that’s where I used to be did you get your shopping done yes Francine daddy delivered again but I don’t want to have to do this every year I don’t want Christmas shopping to
Become a tradition is that for Steve it’s for Steve and Haley but I’ll be the one using it you know if you get people the presents they want it shows you thought about them now do I hear the clink of real wine glasses I’ve been dropping
Hints about I doubt it cuz I don’t know what that is and this is more of a sweater shaped bag maybe a sweater with a snowman like the one I’m wearing I got to go return something we’re almost at the front of the line and we need this
Photo for our Christmas party invite so hurry Francine how much do you want from me I’m buying gifts I’m returning gifts I’m trying on tons of jeans at liy I’ve got a million balls in the air yo Smith what’s up my man oh hey principal Lewis just dealing with dumb
Family crap but geez you look cool as a cucumber hell yeah just down here for a little P&P a little what P&P peppermint latte and peacock and see I had a little flare to let the ladies know I mean business Hey Soul Santa whoa you’re single no wonder
You’re not stressed out but me I have to plan this whole Christmas Bash for my family oh when’s the party no clue not that involved but you should come I’d like to finally get loose maybe I will oh really oh really there going to be any chicks there my wife and
Daughter oh you got to come do it do it LS do it up LS hey Santa I bet if you checked your nice list you’d find a boy on there who’d love a stargazing Cape son you’re 14 you can’t really be nervous I’m Santa I’m not even wearing the beard who’s nervous sir so it’s a reversible Cape with the Northern Hemisphere stars on
One side and the southern on the other you know for cozy stargazing hey Stan Francine wants you in the kitchen hey Dad did Mom find you I’m wearing a Santa costume how hard can she be looking oh honey the tree isn’t done go get the angel from Ro R’s Attic this isn’t our tree angel what are you doing up there you better not be goofing Around LS finally I should have asked when you were getting here I got here way too early just making an appearance my man so you could say your party went off I’m headed to a bash at the sororities don’t they go home at Christmas not the poor girls and they’re
The ones who dig my Porsche the most hi Brian Merry Christmas girl you want to get out of here I’ll go Stan angel tree short leash any Hoots it’s time for me to do what I do best and that’s whatever I want all the time wow he just takes what he wants
Doesn’t he must be nice need a hand no Roger I don’t need help I wasn’t talking to you I was talking to these two little Christmas Miracles Dan will you do something about the trash can sometimes I just wish I had ls’s Life St go check the fuse box clouse just be glad you’re alone with no family but I have grown to feel that I am part of your family St don’t you dare cry not this Christmas just this time No oh Merry Christmas Francine honey where’s my morning BJ I have to get my own breakfast juice some Christmas hello where is everybody hello Stan you’re shouting louder than the driver whose taxi I threw up in last night and if you’re not quiet you’ll wake him up Roger something weirds going
On look at this Kathy Ireland poster branine would never go for this that is weird never seen a Cathy Ireland poster that wasn’t just put up with tape what’s going on around here a pool table foosball I sat by a girl in a bar in 1977 who said her dad
Invented foosball never looked into it but it seemed like a lie oh God oh my God people will lie to you in a bar Stan it’s just a sad fact oh the tree last night when I was putting the angel on the tree I wished I had ls’s
Life oh Jesus this is the tree of a single man Francine Haley Steve I did this I wished for this well I couldn’t have come true right your wishes come true that’s Louis’s pimp ride who my family’s all gone what am I going to do W it’s always a good time
Wait wait this is all wrong it is I should be peacocking baby we both should [ __ ] let’s go to work wait if I wished for this then why are you here maybe cuz I was touching your butt when you wished butt wish sounds like a Thing unseasonably warm Christmas we’re having race you to the Beach we don’t even it’s good best wish ever I tell you Roger being single for a day it’s been such a vacation no doubt Paradise baby well we got to make sure we milk this cow till it’s dead you know what let’s go talk to Louis make
Sure we’re doing all the single stuff digging it he’ll show us how to blow it out sir sir the nozzle’s still in the tank it’s okay we’re Single you guys are Awesome uh Stan is that you check out this guy he’s all uh Stan is that you it was just your pirate costume through me I’m peacocking dog so me and my good friend llo morphine me and llo are buzzing around having single guy fun and we need some pointers from the king of
Single players in this town oh Stan what are you talking about I’m not single oh oh right I get it you got a girl in there don’t want to let on you’re a player okay um maybe we can talk after the holidays we got to get a peep at his
Babe Lewis is always killing it Francine what the hell is going on oh I think it’s pretty clear Stan principal Lewis and Francine have been doing it are you picturing it I’m picturing it whoa you should picture it whoa LS has my family well you did wish
For his life maybe he got yours well I didn’t wish for that I wanted my family to be like suspended in a void or or like a static nothingness or whatever happens when I leave the room all right I’ll just wish for them back I wish my
Family back and wish activate you know it might not be that easy this might be one of those dealios where you got to learn a lesson before things go back to normal what the hell does that mean like in the movies you’ve seen It’s a Wonderful Life right nope how about big
Uh-uh you saw Ted no really look sometimes in a movie a person thinks they want something but then oh like in the Care Bears big Wish movie okay I learned my damn lesson LS has my [ __ ] and I want it back not sure you have you’re calling your family [ __ ]
Guys I know this may sound crazy but right now we’re in a Care Bear movie is that why you’re dressed as a pirate principal Smith he’s your principal this is your fault leis you made being single look so lovely I swear I’m your dad remember last year at Christmas I got you both
Three hold punches so you wouldn’t have to fight over one no last year on Christmas we pretended we didn’t see you walk into the Sizzler by yourself that’s all I remember look Stan you uh seem to be a little agitated but I don’t want this get out of control because as you
Know I’m a CIA agent you’re in the CIA that’s my life wait and you should have a gun right here oh god there it is everybody just chill out you’re my family mine and you’re coming with me some people say Porsche some people say porsa I don’t choose sides I let the
Car do the talking I say porsa it’s longer better chance someone will overhear me talking about it por sh seven swans swimming six laying five golden rings I can’t do this but you sound beautiful they sound terrified the cia’s here this should be interesting principal Smith you cuckoo
Bird I know Christmas is a time for family but it’s supposed to be your own family of which you have none you are alone in this world and undoubtedly will be alone in the next so let that family go but I’m not alone because I have you Francine please
Remember okay this should mean something I know what you wanted for Christmas so on three let’s say it together one 2 three snowman sweater damn it all right Smith we’re coming in firing but this Christmas Massacre is on your head wait A Snowman sweater I don’t I don’t know
Why but that does sound familiar it it does Francine thank you thank you so much but honey the CIA will never believe you our only hope is if I can convince them yes go go I’ll be right back kids come help me explain yes yes good idea that way it’s not just her
Word against ls’s it was terrible he’s completely lost it that poor poor man what are you waiting for take him down I don’t want to armchair QB this whole thing but um never release all your hostages cuz now what’s stopping them from there it is yeah I’m going to go hide in the
Attic let me know how you do he should be unconscious by now I can’t live like this s stop or we’ll shoot if I can’t be with my family I don’t want to live sometimes I wonder if what we do makes any difference at all that was brutal but you learned your
Lesson you mean yes you learned the importance of family so I I get my family back Yes Dear Stan here you are Stan and my family’s in there no one is more in there than your family Stan hey Pops hi Daddy just in time for
Dinner this isn’t my family oh but it is it’s your real family he Merry Christmas P Merry Christmas Daddy Merry Christmas shopsy Merry Christmas what do you say pop let’s open presents Oh Daddy can we please yes son and sister of sun it’s not weird that I’m your father with that
In mind I’m going to go in the kitchen angel angel clouse what’s going on everything’s so different my God the fish doesn’t talk what kind of twilight zone am I living in this is crazy oh what you need Stan and bear in mind this is my Christmas too where’s my
Real family this is your real family but you didn’t appreciate them so we took them away and gave you a terrible family to teach you a lesson wait Francine Steve and Haley aren’t my real family no they’re your cautionary family if was supposed to be temporary but well you
Fell through the cracks when the angel handling your case died angels can die where do they go they go to super Heaven well if you believe that sort of stuff not everybody does but I love my terrible family then why did you wish to be single
But but I want to go back I wish to go back no you only get one Christmas wish now go join your family stand it’s the only way one that’s real honey the kids are opening your gifts uh what’s this caveman shoes I bought this family the wrong gifts too
I’m a crummy father in every reality the Chinese grocery was open we can still make peanut brittle Roger thank God you’re here I can’t believe this is happening everything’s so different but not you Roger you’re the same I’m Gerald your tenant why are you calling me Roger cuz
You’re oh my God you didn’t come with me this time no I’ve been at the mall giving eye exams like I do 6 days a week thank God the mall’s closed on Tuesdays Tuesday is my Sunday you weren’t grabbing my ass when I went off the
Bridge grab it I wouldn’t even brush up against that perfect Apple yeah you would I know what you like I also know you’re an alien how do you know all this stuff because I’m from an alternate reality where we’re friends am I a boring Mall optometrist there too no
You’re thousands of things you’re whatever you want to be in this alternate reality do I ever dress as a woman uh yeah that is when you’re not walking around naked oh my God that sounds amazing we have to go there yes just this morning we were zooming around
In a white Porsche and you were wearing a purple jumpsuit stop digging you struck oil why aren’t we going already because I used my only Christmas wish well do I get one put this back on the tree and make your wish wait wait all right make your wish
What’s the point it already came true just do It it didn’t work yeah did I got my Porsche you fool h oh we’re out of wishes Mary you’re my only hope don’t you sometimes wish that we were never married honey what’s come over you I I I think you’re fat and ugly and you have
Bad hair but those things aren’t true I know you’re perfect you got to think of something these people suck balls I’ve ruined the house now don’t you wish we were never married no I’m just glad you’re okay you monster is this for me silly that’s for Ruth no one understands me Here oh Francine these are like the wine glasses you never got what’s that Stan oh nothing just this wine glass has a spot uh there’s there’s no spot on that wine glass what don’t criticize her housekeeping it’s her one thing it is yeah Mary this glass is filthy dude I
Just told you shut up [ __ ] I worked too hard for you to say this whole table setting looks kind of shabby and these aren’t even Christmas napkins how dare you Stanley honestly with your taste the hole I put in the wall is an improvement and you call this
A tree angel it looks like the creepy girl from The Ring my great grandma linquist died with this in her arms well it looks like crap maybe you’re right Stan sometimes I do wish we were never married great now put it on the Tree please work please please oh honey I thought you were sleeping in no I never want to sleep in I want to be part of everything cozy thanks Dad these are for you I needed new Burks I know I can smell you got the wine glasses just the
One what why cuz you’re my one and only baby oh group hog what’s all the racket oh family hug get in here fish Mom Dad I learned my lesson I’ll never take you for granted again snut for the last time you’re not our son H it was worth a
Shot oh there’s no place like home for the holid and now Dicky Dobbins with the channel 3 Doppler 12000 acq climate weather plus forecast we got more record heat moving in my guess is it’s from Eurasia or even possibly the Dark Continent that’s where Miss Maisy comes
From she raised me Jesus Dicky it’s it’s important to remember Dicky comes from a different era right Terry oh that’s right sometimes I forget that he’s gone as the week-long beatwave continues beatwave what’s a beatwave as the Heatwave sorry continues I just hate seeing Greg like
This guy’s been a mess ever since Terry dumped him and left town to follow 31 on tour you know what Greg needs a new man and I’m going to help him find one why because that’s what you do for friends at least that’s what I do for friends in
High school my nickname was super friend actually it was super mouth actually it was suck machine they called me Stan the Man there was a girl in my class named Stan just a little more pepper greig’s coming off the driveway now remember we’re pumping him for in information about his perfect guy
So we can find someone to set him up with it’s actually the perfect temperature can someone toss me a takate I’ll tell you what my perfect man would be if I was gay he’d have smooth soft skin long shiny hair a narrow waist and wide hips forming the shape of an
Hourglass pouty lips Big D eyes a musical high-pitched voice large Supple breastlike pectoral muscles and huge balls something you can really grab on to Stan oh we’re at dinner now thank you so much for having me it’s nice to get out of the house our pleasure now what would
You like for dessert a bear claw or a twinky or maybe Asian dessert we haven’t even eaten dinner yet okay then let’s start with salad would you like your dressing on the top of your salad or on the bottom how would you put it on the
Bottom okay what are you two up to all right the truth is we were trying to figure out your type so we could set you up you just seem so down ever since Terry left oh that’s sweet of you I admit I do miss Terry as a life partner
But to be honest I miss him more right now as a work partner I’m I’m sorry that that probably didn’t exactly warrant a spit take kind of jump the gun there go on what makes a reporter journalistic Integrity H it’s the banter but you can’t just plug
Anybody into that other chair you need chemistry and chemistry is hard tell me tell me about it I burned down my school in chemistry class my school experience was pretty flaming too if you know what I mean I bet you were quite the fire starter just call me Young Drew
Barrymore you’re not the only one who liked Riding in Cars with Boys Charlie’s Angels Charlie’s Angels too home fries Francine do you realize what we’re doing we’re bantering crazy idea would you come fill in in Terry’s old seat just until we find a permanent replacement I
Don’t know Greg I’m not really up on current events I get most of my news off Snapple caps please Francine to help a friend sounds like a job for suck machine how’d you know my high school nickname hey check out what we found in the basement you walk in without
Knocking like a bunch of deis it’s my old dream phone game it’s so dumb you try to figure out which cute boy has a crush on you we thought it’d be fun to play as a goof doesn’t sound fun fun sounds lame but I guess I’ll do it cuz I
Got nothing else to do but it sounds boring I’m going to be bored I was right this is boring I’m bored I think I’m just about ready to who is that Dylan hello your crush loves pizza that could be Dylan we like all the same things Dylan likes them all I like them
All oh my God is he the one I once wished a wish one day I would meet you my two scoops of kisses with a heart shape like pizza what angel or Genie let me here to you my telephone Romeo my dream come true my dream come True my dream come true I’d sing you the second verse but it gets pretty explicit and remember we are the news of langly Falls without us people making dinner won’t know who’s been murdered good evening I’m Greg Corbin and I’m Francine Smith our top story tonight 17 alligators were set loose
Today when an oak tree fell on a fence at the Langley Falls gator farm Dicky I bet you were around when that oak tree was planted huh planted Dicky was around when the oak tree was invented looks like those gators aren’t the only ones who piped Chomp Chomp her banter is
Beautiful she’s a revelation oh she’s good real good too good this will end poorly Raven She’s So Raven real raven to Raven this will end poorly thank you this is the first and last step to opening my dry cleaning business so we eat here for free I never
Realized being the husband of a local news celeb would be so sweet the perks are nice but remember I’m doing all this to help Greg it compl M AR order of shrimp enchiladas the veins in the shrimp are how you say bursting with turds tonight that’s exactly how you say it Miguel one more call and I’ll zero in on the identity of the landline Strangler I’ve crafted my own narrative to enhance my enjoyment of the game now talk to me you sicko who are you talking to is it Dylan keep your paws off him you [ __ ]
Your crush hates the mall hates the mall it’s not Dylan we’re resetting Roger you can’t just keep resetting the game every time until you get Dylan I don’t see why you’re so hung up on Dylan anyway Tyler is clearly the cutest of the dream boys hell I’d even take Wayne over Dylan you
Have 6 seconds to suck those filthy words back inside your rotten little mouth damn it Roger this isn’t even a real person okay this is just some model who posed for a picture in 1994 it’s insane to have a crush on a fake person on a fake phone
You’re right the sane thing to do is track down the model who posed for the card and go on a road trip to meet him exactly I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it no no no I’m think I I know I like you Dylan of course that was back when it was okay to to bring a crossbow on a bus this just in Channel 3’s own Dicky Dobbins has died of a stroke I didn’t know you could die from that I thought it just made you talk funny ah I had a
Stroke see we always poked fun at Dicky sure but I never thought we’d lose him greig ladies and Gentlemen Heaven just got one hell of a weather angel or if the allegations that followed Dicky his entire life turn out to have been true hell just got one angel of a weather
Demon and we’re out thank you Francine that that was wonderful you you just got in the zone it was like there was no one else at the desk that’s ridiculous who ever heard of one person anchoring the news but do you think so I had the sassiest waiter the
Other day oh I’ll tell you how I feel about sassy waiters Homie don’t play around with that remember that the black clown anyway if I was that hang glide instructor I’d have just just cut that big boy loose well I oh we’re going to
Get calls on that one aren’t we I I I want oh Behave [Laughter] Francine man Francine really ain’t letting you get a word in edgewise is she oh she’s just doing her part to be helpful and you know what they say there’s no I and team no I don’t know that cuz I never learned to [Laughter] read why do we have this
Room so they got a killer new Verde shrimp chimmy chunga down at Larry’s I was thinking maybe you could work in a plug on the show today I’m not going to compromise the news to make you a hero at local Larry’s this isn’t about you and it’s not about me it’s it’s about
Greg now I really need to do my vocal warm-ups me me me me me n Greg KN Greg n Greg oh that is his will be mine what’s going on we finally got a new weather guy to replace Dicky Memphis Stormfront from Channel 6 and Raley Durham they say he gives great banter
And that he’s got his eye on the anchor desk he might be just the guy to be Greg’s permanent co- anle fool why are you doing that I love Gossip we have a new member of the channel 3 team and we’re about to find out whether
He’s any good at his job a job by the way that can be done better by a free phone app Memphis happy to prove you wrong there Francine I’d also happily help you find a phone made after 1998 hey no fair that’s just a back up until
Her beeper gets out of the shop ooh burn hi Jimmy chonga turning to the 5-day forecast I haven’t felt this kind of onair chemistry since Terry I think he’s the one isn’t this great you’ll be able to go back to your whatever you do with your
Days my Loki I want that weather Punk gone I just heard you got Memphis fired he was dead weight ratings poison a real Ray Donovan I was looking out for you look you’ve been such a good friend to me so speaking as your good friend I think your love of the Limelight is
Clouding your judgment oh wow thank you for helping me realize what an INR you are Francine you’re hurting me I get the viewers I make the news fun and I do it all to help you well you’re going to have a hard time helping me because me quits
Wait wait Greg come back I didn’t mean what I said I’ve never seen Ray Donovan it could be a good show I don’t know we don’t get Showtime everything else I said stands stupid ungrateful Greg I guess some friends just don’t want to be helped Oh my God I was so busy telling myself I was helping Greg I couldn’t see how much I was hurting him oh we need to make this right are you okay losing your local Larry’s perks hey helping Greg is more important than eating 16 burritos a
Day every day of the week also my my colon came out what my my colon came out I I looked it up online and it is reversible Greg and Memphis are so clearly right for each other we need to get them back together and back on the air easier said than
Done Greg’s done with TV runs a cake shop now another interesting tidbit Greg might not be the Macho lady killer we all think he is Greg please you’re the one who belongs behind that desk not me I’m sorry I’m not going back even if you did get Memphis back too and good luck with that he’s a stormchaser now said at least you can trust a tornado not to stab you in
The back also you know Ashley and HR got an abortion what do we need a weatherman for anyway you said it yourself unless of course there was some sort of cat tosmic superstorm to cover but barring that I would get rid of the snake room before I brought back Greg at Memphis
Oh I just know deep down Greg wants to come back to the news if I could only get him and Memphis back on the air together for one broadcast but we need to be able to control the weather to do that easy as pie Stan that’s a cake oh
What would you say piece of cake oh oh yeah it’s really easy to come up with clever word play when you’re not holding in your butthole with a piece of duct tape top secret CIA weather control division dick speaking I mean pizza store oh it’s you Stan what kind of Favor can I help you you’ve aged beautifully what a drink sure I’ll take a sweet tea no ice you’ll have one too put this in yours come on in let’s get you out of those wet clothes hello I received an order to deliver a cake to this lamp from
Clst I got a call saying my birth mother would meet me at this lamp post Greg Memphis oh my God a category 6 subpolar tornado came the rarest storm in all of weather don’t tell us tell the viewers our breaking story right now a weather event that I couldn’t even begin to
Explain oh so we’re going to go live to Greg Corbin and Memphis Stormfront in the heart of the storm oh I told you I’m done with a news dad I’m a cake man now you’re a what God damn it I’m a newsman Greg Corbin here live in the midst of the
Storm of the Century with our very own Memphis Stormfront Greg we are witnessing a once in a-lifetime weather event unleashing multiple funnel clouds the Gators are getting food get him into the barn and quick it’s too Late in a stunning development we are now in the midst of a full-fledged gator Scor oh by the way great to be back on the air with you Memphis what have you been up to lately well I finally caught Step Up all In on cable this weekend that mess they should have called it throw up all over they should have called it
Off even in the belly of the storm they banter flawlessly these are my Stars you know you look familiar to me I did do a bit of board game modeling back in my younger days oh yeah maybe that’s it I think I I think I remember was it um oh God it’s on the tip of my I want to say mysty phone dream phone dream
Phone dream phone right now I remember it’s been been such a long time is that the phone from the game that you’re holding right now so it is say you know I got the jree what do you say we head to the mall and grab ourselves a slice
Of zah G I try to stay away from malls and pizza I’m beginning to get the distinct impression Dylan that you are a liar well I wouldn’t exactly call it lying but for starters my name’s not actually Dylan so um what happened back there we went to the mall and had pizza because
That’s what Dylan likes why is there blood on the dream phone he likes Ms and pizza and me Roger what’s in this jar Dylan was being bad and now we have the jar I’m so EXC and just well it’s official I’m out at Channel 3
And you two are back in thanks to us what do you mean thanks to you we did all of this Francine got you on the air and I abused my CIA powers to make that super storm you made this storm lives were destroyed but gre’s life was fixed
Now you’ve got a new work partner and a new life partner now kiss you two love birds and put some mustard on it aren’t you straight yes but I’m terrified of these people they can control the weather you did it baby we did it because we’re helpers it’s just in our nature we
Help mommy what is your name Stan what did you say up my name is danela okay where can I hide the bug in a dresser no this is a motel he’ll leave right after we we have full-on rubberless sex got it did I just swallow one of your teeth
Why am I recording all this cuz I’m supposed to be a woman on this Mission you are spy now I feel like fool for taking you to Jared’s she disappeared like ghost another perfect American spy Operation what are you boys doing we’re going to the basement to wrestle but wrestling’s dangerous not the way we do it mother we never actually get physical it’s all about the pageantry H now you’re just dangerously close to me calling you a [ __ ] it’s so quiet where is everyone
Well stands on a mission so everyone’s doing whatever they want Steve’s wrestling in the basement and Haley’s finally getting into it with Direct TV listen Randall I know this isn’t your fault you seem like a a a really solid dude so you say your husband’s gone yeah
And you say my husband’s gone I didn’t say that well he is which makes us both widows I love the Widow game but you never love catching on when I’m trying to get you to play it you know I don’t just some steak for a tragically young
Widow please which kind would you like there are different kinds my dead husband buys I’m sorry my dead husband used to buy our Stakes as I said I’m a widow ribey is the best but does it also cost the least since my husband died I’ve been so overwhelmed learning what
Different things cost for a widow it’s on the house I’m the same as her just drop it in the sack widows I can’t let you test drive a Lamborghini you have no jobs no credit no husbands we’re Widows wi for the land of the free and the home of the brave [Applause] [Applause] widows over you’re being so crazy right now we’re widows good luck finding love again love I’m trying to get laid widows folks we’re now beginning our descent into Denver oh widows more champagne actually hate to be this Widow but we just remembered our favorite restaurant is in St Louis and we’re widows
Widows I’ll have a spicy Italian with the works oh and add avocado avocado is a dollar extra even for widows widows and we’re rolling as we all know huge upcoming match at the Honda Center in Anaheim California and the title will be on the line Sunday August 4th ooh the
Pageantry speak of the devil here he is the defending champion himself Steve the total package Smith and his manager Mr Mastermind listen up sooner or later that Piper he comes a Colin and when the snot rocket and I are locked in that cage on August 4th at the Honda Center
It’s going to be his time to face the truth the purest truth there is my Championship belt if you’ve got something to say to me you can say it to my ugly face good lord it’s the snot rocket and Barry Cuda The Blob nobody was expecting this total
Package there’s only one thing keeping you alive that pretty face and that belt but I’m going to take it from you ow I’m so sorry you’re not supposed to hit I know it was an AC accident are you okay I guess so gentlemen gentlemen save it
For August 4th at the Honda Center in Anaheim [Applause] wow we made great time from St Louis lights and Sirens baby lights and Sirens Francine oh crap here comes a taco it’s me bunny bunny Sanders bunny I didn’t recognize you you look so different how are things I’m a dancing Taco Francine right but wasn’t that always something
You talked about being no I had to take this job after my husband died widows Sanders died how on a mission I just wish I’d been prepared for Life After John you know I had no idea every day is a brutal struggle thank You these are gross kind of glad they capped me at 50 oh Stan you’re back it was awful I saw bunny Sanders and she was dressed like a taco fashion is a playground Francine just because you lack the balls to mix it up doesn’t mean you have to
Knock someone else for taking a risk that’s exactly right Stan no that’s Bunny’s job now why didn’t you tell me Sanders died on one of your missions because he didn’t die on a mission he died on a body recovery assignment when we retrieved the bodies of agents who
Did die on missions we do it all the time it’s like most of my job see body recovery another dead agent so you can stop worrying got to run enjoy that popcorn speaking of popcorn imagine if we were so poor we had to decorate our Christmas tree with it
Francine give it a rest you don’t see me screaming at my tacos wait a minute the tacos it’s a new Widow day let’s go down to the graveyard and give them the old dig him up I want to see his face one last time a support group what’s fun about
This nothing seeing bunny yesterday made me realize a Widow’s life isn’t all Lambos and ribe eyes look Fran we’re all badly shaken by Sanders’s death I mean I felt terrible stealing Bunny’s wallet through the leg hole of the taco yesterday we don’t need this I do what
If Stan actually gets killed I need to hear what this is really like so I’m prepared if it does happen death is natural it’s our reactions that are unnatural that’s true but it’s not funny it’s the quiet that really gets me I used to come downstairs on a Sunday
And hear the game on Bob would be cursing the Giants now when I come down the stairs on Sunday no game no cursing no Bob no Stan nailed it but I can beat it name’s Roger I’m female my second husband’s name was Eric and as it turned out he died by my own hand did it just happen you have to be be more specific I have no idea what you’re oh my husband’s death yes yes so
Fresh the best thing you can do for yourself now is to just keep getting out of the house do you have a job some people say raising their children is a job but I haven’t really treated it that way Francine I’m a partner at a Fortune
500 marketing agency and I know for a fact that there’s a position available right now at the diner across from my office and you do you have any marketing experience I beat a homicide rap I confess to many times I think I can figure out Marketing Roger where’d you get the car the agency sent it probably as a show of good faith contract negotiation were not something we engaged in wait don’t you want to hear about me go ahead say your words I got the job at that Diner what do you know I know I
Said I needed to hear what it would be like to be a real Widow but I think I need I need to live it stunning turn of events tonight Mr Mastermind has defected to the league of enforcers I couldn’t care less about Mr Master fool and the league of dumb
Forcers this is the only thing that matters which is why it’s going to me ran the home Invader Lewis aka the basement creep AKA midnight lace principal Lewis what are you doing in our basement I honestly have no clue last thing I remember I was climbing in
That window anyway the belt is mine ah careful this isn’t what we’re doing light touch light touch wrestling is all about the pageant no oh my God you’re our principal you think this is crazy well August 4th is going to be insane that’s the Honda Center August 4th CL for God’s sakes get
Help be there Francine I’m back we recovered most of the body Franny’s not here actually the whole family’s busy sir I can’t express this enough you’re never going to win me back with Encore Haley’s doing that and oh you know how when you leave on a mission Francine and I pretend you’re
Dead and play widows play widows yeah and this time she really committed she’s like all bummed out and working at a crappy Diner I swear if I weren’t in a goddamn Bake Off with half a Madison Avenue to land the new dent campaign I would be very concerned about her oh on
A side note what’s the number one thing you look for in an iced gum flavor sustainability Now take me to that Diner oh my God she’s really acting like I’m dead Francine how did you end up here yeah it was gross she took the Bus I go on a mission risk my life and she plays Widow that’s not not playing it’s more it’s too bad your psychologist Dr penguin’s on a book tour cuz his new book touches on this very subject it’s called coping a feel Roger who hey you have a dangerous job when we were
Fooling around playing widows she was coping a feel a book now available on Amazon this is dumb I’m going in there I wouldn’t do that she’s fragile this calls for a gentle hand let me go in there do my thing Well is she coming home ah [ __ ] sorry totally forgot about all the stuff we talked about but I did remember you Gerald meatballs got to take care of my boy wow Stan wasn’t as impressed as I thought he’d be when I gave away those meatballs you know what give him back
We’ll try again when I have Stan’s full attention Francine Stan you scared me I scared you you’re scaring me what are you doing here I’m working working you’re acting crazy this isn’t crazy crazy is how I used to to act pretending everything was hunky dory look I don’t
Want to do this here it’s time to go home no let go I’m working hey this guy bothering you friend no he was just leaving oh FY maybe that guy’s not perfect but I got news for you you’re not getting any younger and know Ryan goling is never walking through that
Door so I couldn’t get through to her she’s lost it come on Stan let’s get out of here I’m your wife now no Roger I just don’t get why she’s acting like this Francine loves you but she worries about you and that makes her worry about herself but when I’m on a
Mission it’s my life on the line and when your life’s on the line her life’s on the line too everything would change for her if you were gone H I never thought about it that way that’s cuz you’re thick Stan I’ll go back back in and tell her I understand if she’ll
Listen she won’t in the marketing world we have a term for this you’ve burned that bridge Al so what am I supposed to do G so hard having to do all the thinking you’re lucky I’m a marketing genius currently take us to the office Gerald yes sir but then I’m going to
Have to close out your fair fair wait the company didn’t send you no I’m an Uber driver you hired a few days ago when you were drunk Uber X Uber black oh my God oh my God I’m ruined Roger Roger marketing marketing genius genius genius genius
Me Roger get to the point if you want Francine you’re going to have to change your approach every marketing genius knows that to reach the customer you have to show them you understand their problems show Francine I get what she’s going through Bingo show don’t tell and
The best way to do that is to make the consumer feel like you don’t just get them you are them so what do you say did we land dentine ice what sorry I repurpose the dentine pitch but you see what I’m saying yeah I do one last thing if you were an exec
Dentine would that pitch have worked on you of course I would have replaced the word Francine with dentine ice in most instances Roger I like it I really do it’s just not us it’s not Dentin Stan I told you to get out I’m sorry you must be mistaking me for someone else
I’m just a sad widower looking for a hot meal oh now you’re making fun of me I don’t know what you’re talking about nice lady whatever sit anywhere you like so need a minute to decide I’m thinking about the clams casino are the clams fresh no h i don’t know where it’s
Okay to order Seafood food my wife always helps use to help me with that what happened to her she died all the way why don’t I fire up those old Clams I was deeply truly surprised by principal Lewis coming out from behind the boiler this is bad but you know the worst part the hospital food bury my friend friend that well-placed taste of Comedy is just the Elixir these battered bones needed well your vitals are
Looking good doctor what do you think oh oh yes I’ll take it from here oh no principal Lewis oh no midnight lace splatters up boys you want this belt back you can come and get it August 4th at the Honda Center I don’t think I’m going to
Go so how did your wife die on the job it was a very dangerous line of work she was an assassin but for space a space assassin naturally I know it was hard for her to risk her life but I don’t think she realized how hard it was for
Me every time she blasted off if something happened to her up there I I didn’t know if I could ever put my life back together oh Stan that’s exactly how I feel why isn’t everyone cheering done on the ground both of you now’s a bad time guys there are some pretty big feelings
Going on here now empty your pockets Francine do what the man says looks like you’re out of weapons I don’t don’t need one I had the clams Francine I want you to come home cuz I always want to come home to you but when I’m on missions if playing
Widow keeps you from worrying about me then play your heart out honestly Stan after seeing all that I’m not so worried about you anymore you’re like really good shall we let’s get one thing out of the way the gum is terrible oh sit down David let’s see where she’s going with
This you better know what you’re doing dentine ice loves you but she worries about you and that makes her worry about herself when your life’s on the line her life’s on the line too she being d ice got him so what do you say did we land Francine
Ice what what I say did I just tell everyone I’m an alien tell me I’m wrong cuz I’m never wrong about oatmeal you know you really can taste a difference with the steel cut thank you thank you for trusting me to take you on this breakfast Journey [ __ ] uh excuse
You they did it they finally did it finally met a junior jumble you couldn’t Master huh here let me take a look they Fring did it did what the Langley Falls art museum has acquired the paintings of Reynolds Jasper Tyrion who’s that it’s Philistine attitudes like that that have
Kept this Rinky Dink Berg off the cultural map Roger please your tone you know who’s the best art artist Gary lson he took us all to the far side and kept us chuckling you know Roger I knew Reynolds jaspon you did Francine do we have any honey
What you knew Reynolds Jasper tyion knew him he painted my portrait The Smiths are going to the art museum that includes me I took Haley’s last name I’m the wife fearing it was hurting his art Jasper Teran spurned the party scene of New York City but he died anyway of
Party related disease dises in the arms of the wife he had so often humiliated Roger I’m surprised I thought Reynold’s Jasper terium was going to be you I got to tell you I did too I capture forever and share the most exceptional Beauty in the world oh Reynolds big whoop I’m in the
CIA what’s this line for to see jaspert teran’s Masterpiece does it have two funny animals and a joke a fat kid wearing glasses and a hilarious observation underneath if not I’m like that T-Rex watching the asteroid hurl towards Earth uh check please no it’s his portrait of Francine’s genitals wait
What astounding what an achievement no all of you stop looking don’t look at this this is private take your eyes off this clean up on our midcentury postmodernism nobody look oh yeah I forgot to tell you kids the portrait is of my box I can’t unsee any of this can I
Where’d you get that falafala I had it in my Pocket ah Stan Smith the fellow whose wife’s put dender we all saw on the wall of the art museum I also got the tote bag and I stuffed it with zucchinis I thought last year’s matis exhibition was a thrill but to witness a Jasper harion in person you shut your filthy
Mouth oh yes it’s going to be a very amusing day what a day this is some day I’ll tell you Steve what are you doing out there yeah you usually in your room moaning it’s some mysterious activity well I had my normal afternoon all planned out Shades were drawn my
Favorite Pages were bookmarked and waiting for me my Korean microfiber polishing Mitten rinsed out and almost dry I untied the drawstring on my loose fitting gypsy pants okay set the scene less but there was one problem no matter what I looked at all I saw was that painting ah
I think I’m broken it’s no big deal Steve mom’s always flashing me that thing does this look right to you maybe you can use your new found time to help people like how I’m helping Jeff with his coloring I’m ready for red now are you sure you’re done with the
Green wait one more thing you you embarrassed me in front of everybody by making London broal whoa whoa whoa don’t drag your delicious London bro into a conversation about that filthy painting are you still upset about that that painting was years ago besides it’s an honor to inspire great
Art I don’t intend to share my property with the lowbrow pond scum that frequent art museums I’m sorry Stan did you say your property well yeah that part of you is owned by me that’s what our wedding was all about right I hope you can learn to enjoy the
Portrait Dan because you don’t deserve to enjoy the real thing Francine wait oh hi Francine excited for that London Broil oh okay you’re storming upstairs Francine she stormed upstairs in a huff stand but maybe you’d like to come in chat with your friend clouse maybe clean my bowl
Yeah maybe let me think it over okay it’s just that Rogers Minor League Baseball character Rusty buap folio spits tobacco in my bowl when he’s frustrated oh oh hey Rusty how was the game horrible they pulled me after one pitch my arm feels like a sock full of sand
They’re sending me down to D Marva I just know it Rusty please I don’t understand you have an empty slurpie cup it’s so brave you know to empower a woman’s body through ART yeah I love how how it’s so feminist we’re just friends d again right right
Definitely hey is this truly a great painting um yeah definitely I I mean the way the artist takes her most private space and exposes it for all of us to consume you sick little man not front of my girlfriend your what my nothing art fan huh me too I love art
Stealing it that is T monachello art Heist guy of course steal the painting exactly and I’m going to help you because are you ready this is a good one I I cannot believe this hasn’t been in a movie already stealing art is the greatest art of
All now screw you Stan if Gary Larson drew a cow with curlers in its hair saying that you’d be dying check [Laughter] please so you want to steal a painting well you’re going to need a crew and the crew is here in Monaco we’re just in Monaco
Because Monaco is where you have this conversation most of the crew is Jersey based now you need a crew you can trust but trust among art thieves let’s just say it’s rarer than a Picasso are picassos rare wait we could have had this conversation in the kitchen oh
Please you wanted this trip you needed this trip what with the stress you have going on with the paint Stan trust me you needed to relax and the walking tour you didn’t enjoy that I was impressed by the walking tour exactly that’s the Monaco most tourists don’t get to see
Anyway we should really be getting back our flight’s in like an hour and a half damn it we’re going to be late hold On are you crying what of course not because Stan and Roger have time to fly to mon but no time to change my ball water you think I’m crying because of that helping clouse that could count as helping people oh it definitely counts don’t doubt yourself for a second
Helping others is my new hobby ever since I saw the painting of Mom’s junk sure sure whatever Road brought you here H this is filthy shouldn’t you have a bowl with a filter all that aquarium stuff yes yes I should but that might be expensive let’s agree to go to the store
But maybe not buy anything yes a small win for clouse he was a phenomenal talent but to me he was just Reynolds M yes and you’d say you opened up to him I admit this is the art history minor talking but I would really like to hear about Jasper tyrion’s ideas on you
Shut your filthy mouth dick Stan relax Smith just art lovers discussing the glorious painting of your wife’s thing aabo although I must apologize for dick he was out of line well we’re off to the maple Thorp exhibit at the met with any luck that will get us hard Francine
Can’t you see you’re embarrassing me genitals aren’t something that should be shown to the world they’re not called shitals the term genitals comes from the Aladdin word Genie and like a genie they should only come out when they’re rubbed Stan you’re embarrassing yourself t monello art Heist wait did I
Already do my introduction yeah we went to Monaco really long way to go to meet somebody anyway tonight we make that painting disappear to pull off this Heist we need muscle the Ignat of twins weighs 700 lb combined and grew up eating raw HSE meat in dagistan they still love horse meat
It’s disgusting their breath smells like horse meat whatever it’s one night you’ll survive next we need a lockpick Claude verer is the Belgian with the smallest fers in the world it’s gross and he always wants to shake hands but I know he can tell that I don’t want to
Shake hands whatever it’s one night you’ll survive then we’ll need an explosives guy we can either get bang bang fukinawa or Josh fine get bang bang fukinawa wait why do we need an explosives guy won’t the Belgian guy get us in h good point I thought we agreed no explosives guy right Josh
Wait Josh the guy we didn’t need was supposed to be Bang Bang fuking oh so I was second choice look you’re here and he’s not chichito the Guatemalan Contortionist finally we need a sexually explosive unpredictable woman is Paypal payment no go through H well do you accept karate chops Stan finish him off that’s the last time you screw me Tito maybe one more time hey okay let’s give each other notes on the heist Stan good job but I thought
You could have worn a better outfit what else I’d work with Josh again look thanks for the help Roger but this is a solo job a solo job sounds like Steve before he got into helping people I wonder if he’s still doing that ah we’re talking top to bottom tank
Renovation here Steve what’s gotten into you your skin is clear your voice sounds deeper oh it started happening once I stopped touching myself all the time funny I find the more I touch myself the deeper my voice gets now let’s talk about premium aquarium filters sounds
Like what you want is a tons Aqua wind you sure cuz I’ve been hearing good things about the new Danos sure if you want to replace it every 4 weeks sounds like I better do a little more research you know it’s really weird that you own an aquarium store the
Regulars here think it’s weird I’m a principal excuse me I’d like to see somebody about getting a painting taken down I’m sick of arguing about it with my husband it makes him uncomfortable an uncomfortable husband the director will want to hear about this straight away
Excuse me are you crying yes I suppose I was it’s just this reminds me of my genitals when they were young and flush are you copying this painting trying it’s an assignment for class copy the Masters but gosh I’m no Jasper Tyrion how did he know what to leave out it’s
Beautiful there you are our director will see you in just a moment the woman changed her mind Sylvia we have an intercom that portrait certainly does inspire intense Fascination last night we had a thwarted robbery attempt oh no I’m afraid so hence the need for another security guard we’re lucky you walked in
And with your CIA experience now you do resemble a maniac our guards right but as I explained that man did not have a mustache he did however have a flag pin but but he did not have a mustache and I can see that you do you’re hired Stan or
Should I say Mr night Watchman Yes kind of creepy in here at Night you like looking at my wife huh you little perv well it’s over I’m going to take this painting home and destroy it ohuh that was easy did you hear what that o said I’m not interested in his wife’s vagina I’m completely homosexual all art is Gay where the [ __ ] are my arms a shocking crime at the Langley Museum the famous portrait of Francine’s genitals hi Francine has been stolen he made me feel so beautiful Francine we already lost the painting don’t go losing your Cool Stan have you seen my lucky jock strap the rumors are true I’m Del Mara bound hey the painting we stole are you torching it this painting is BR brought me nothing but embarrassment I don’t want anyone to ever see it again not even one person like a rich Shady buyer
With 100K to burn he’s not going to want anyone to know he has it no one else would ever see it I’m calling my coke dealer wow he can afford the painting oh yeah maybe he could buy the painting hi I have some uh pretty serious concerns about the flowthrough
On the 6500 sounds like you know your stuff here at tons we pride our our El on flow through and we’ll beat any competitor on suction what was that why don’t I walk you through it what’s your name I’m Steve I’m Lindsay well actually we’re up to the 6,900 now that baby satisfies
Everyone it gobbles up dirt and filth and when you can see the chamber’s about to be at overflow you just shoot it all out the release shaft oh oh okay would you mind actually walking me through a couple other models yeah yeah this is what I should
Have in my loft man this is what I should have a big painting of a woman’s just thing just hanging right there right yep exactly listen can we hurry this up I I really can’t have my wife Dan have you seen Rusty’s lucky jock strap what is that um you stole the
Painting oh man what a busted scene get out of here Del Monaco you know Del Monaco everybody knows Del Monaco Francine I can explain at least when you wanted to get rid of it it was about privacy but now trying to sell it to our coke dealer I see you don’t have any
Principles at all wow well I’m going to go see if I can sell Francine some drugs what am I doing here I need a hard look at myself you sure do hey would it be funny if I was an Airplane hello hi um Mrs Jasper tyion you don’t know me but I think you’re the only person who could help me right now this place really stirs something in me my husband was inspired by the vistas which is all the more remarkable when you remember Reynolds was blind he he
Was blind as a bat from the day he was born so he never saw what he was painting nope somehow that makes me feel better he painted by touch Excuse me yes he was very tactile he really wanted to get his hands all over anything he was
Painting get the feel of it rub it pull it between his fingers you okay Stan no I’m not you’re talking about my wife no I’m talking about what Reynolds did to your wife’s vagina he took it and he turned it into art once it’s art it’s not your wife
Anymore huh never thought about it like that let me ask you this Stan once the plaster cast dried was that mug still my butthole Steve how’s the filter coming the fresh water’s nice but it’s already getting dirty again what oh I’m not doing that now no your voice but that
Means let’s just say I hope Lindsay’s call was monitored and recorded cuz it was sexy as hell oh Steve you sound just like Lindsay of course you all know the story of this painting stolen missing but then returned bad luck for you Stan now we get to see your wife’s Trapper Keeper
Whenever we wish art can have a powerful effect on people I like to think the thief whoever he was took took a good long look at this painting and he realized Jasper tyion truly did capture and share the most extraordinary beauty in the world Angela let’s take one last trip to Paris it’s
Beautiful maybe Duncan we can be more than friends sorry Candace don’t apologize I’m a barf babe Jasper terion transformed something intimate into something we can all share but only I get the real thing there’s the maniac who tried to steal the painting where welcome back to the 70th annual
CIA Awards with your host Nicki Minaj when I was asked to host these Awards I was a little nervous maybe because I was thrown into a van and injected with m control drugs damn this new Billy Crystal has the juiciest ass but as they kick in it’s becoming a night of magical moments
We’ve seen Agent Jackson when best wire tap sound mixing W ja and of course deputy director Bullock’s annual win for best Chile and the winner for best undercover agent is Agent X Wow I didn’t even prepare a speech Felix Isabella you can go to bed now oh God I set your names on television pack your bags get out of the house make sure you’re not being followed that is bringing this to the place we discuss and the award for most elusive
Villain goes to is everyone in position the fulcon this is the third time the Falcon has not fallen for this and now the only agent who refuses to wear a towel in the CIA locker room duper nominees for best spy seduction are Tyrese Gibson for senior Seduction dick Reynolds for dictator’s [Applause] horse And Stan Smith for smoking hot North Korean super spy we simply must stop running into each other like this red wine and Ever Clear you remembered or maybe I just forgot to Forget and the winner is Stan [Applause] Smith oh there’s so many people to thank but I wouldn’t be here without my Elementary School gym teacher Mr Ragin who taught me everything I know about [Applause] seduction after all these years it turns out Stan Smith can be romantic you
Seduce the crap out of that spy no biggie I just put hours of thought into who she is as a person and what would make her truly happy then I gave it to her well how about you give it to me pass sexy Stan is just an act I put on
For work at home you get the real me this little sucker was trying to make a run for it the hell you do Francy I think I feel a pimple on my back can you take a look can we do our gross stuff tomorrow I’m still hoping to
Get a little of that sexy sve St I saw tonight hey it’s not like your hot and sexy 24/7 either what about your nasty Jagged toenail that’s always scratching up my leg in bed you ran over my foot with your car and it never grew back
Right that was for a bit and it was hilarious this is exactly my point I bet you don’t talk to Korean spies about their toenails of course not they’re Korean well manicured feet are part of the deal I’m going to bed right after I just destroy the bathroom oh fancine you deserve better
Clouse were you hiding back there hiding this is a normal bull spot listen the reason Stan only romances spies is because spies have something he needs and you don’t that’s not true I have a vaginas don’t count they’re like all over the place throw a rock you’ll hit three beep
Last night was a doozy woke up in a pool of blood with my thumb up my ass I think I’m sleeping wrong and I brought Miss Nicki Minaj back here and had the squeakiest sex of my life or did I Francine honey I feel awful about last night I know you can’t
Be the same guy at home as you are at work so I came down to break me off a piece of sexy workst right here in front of everyone oh I think they’ll leave us alone when they hear about the double fudge brownies I left in the kitchen I
Get your drift you sly little minks attention everyone there’s brownies in the kitchen follow me God I’m bored but things will pick up as soon as the mail gets here oh yeah the mail’s going to be a game changer I mean it’s the male the male always delivers guess what I’m into classic
Cars now screw the mail oh yeah that’s right I’m going to be one of those Regal Road dogs showing off his wheels in the Bob’s Big Boy parking lot a real pth pth stands for pop the hood we have our own lingo US Car heads car heads meaning car
Likers Roger this is so cool how’d you get into it well if you you must know I was wheelbarrowing home from the liquor store when I happened upon a Vintage Mustang now normally I couldn’t care less about some old hunk of junk but something happened something truly
Amazing I mean what’s better than a thumbs up from a mustache guy I don’t know two mustache guys giving you a thumbs up oh no you don’t want that trust me the answer is nothing nothing is better and if tooling around in some old car is my ticket to thumb toown then
Vroom vroom baby vroom vroom I like the sound of that how do we get involved it’s Classic Cruisers night down at the Triple B Bob’s Big Boy more lingo so how about we buff another coat of Sparkle on this baby and go get thumbed by a mustache guy vroom vroom oh Yeah oh my God we’re so bad at eating sir a thumb drive with the identities of half our undercover agents around the world was stolen during our brownie break well those agents knew the risks the drive also had a copy of your secret chili recipe we must stop at nothing to get
That drive back nothing but who could have stolen it the Jack hoal the Falcon who the beaver sorry frine are you talking to somebody I’m not Francine I’m a hot ass super spy with stolen CIA secrets the beaver oh I want a cool spy name I will
Be the beaver hold on that’s my name no way we came up with the same spy name at the exact same time you were right clouse I didn’t have anything Stan needs but now I do or should I say the beaver does and once the CIA realizes a lady spy has their
Thumb drive they’ll send Stan to romance it away from her and her is me so it’s me who’s getting romanced by Stan because I have something he needs yeah I got it like five words in it’s not that complicated now I just need a website for the CIA to find advertising that the
Drive is for sale to terrorists I can make it I bleed HTML okay let’s set this baby up with with a CSS on the back end tweak the GUI enable JavaScript register the site at GE cities.com and voila clouse it’s breathtaking hold on hold on the cherry on Top and it can’t be turned Off sure the outside looks clean but what about the engine so clean I can eat an egg off it I declare this vintage automobile perfectly restored Roger look a mustache man he’s giving you a thumbs up and he’s got the bacon for your eggs shut the up
Steve is that Jay Leno yep classic cars are the perfect Leno bait see this wasn’t about Bob’s Big Boy mustache rides or whatever it’s about revenge wow Roger’s gotten a lot of use out of that dog catcher pole great purchase Guys I have a Google alert for the word spies and a new site just went up ooh sparkly high tech this Beaver claims to be a hot ass super spy selling a stolen CIA thumb drive how are we going to get that drive back we’re not going to do
Anything we’ll send in our Heartbreaker Smith get to work right away sir oh stand in the chat room hello stranger welcome to the beaver’s dam watch out boys things are about to get Charming M beaver I understand you have a hot item you’re looking to share winky face a keyboard
Casanova a lot of men want my hot item why should I give it to you you give me your thumb drive and I’ll give you my 6-in floppy my God this is so erotic I know Stan’s finally seducing me although I never pictured you being part of it
Funny it’s the only way I pictured [Laughter] It There’s a masquerade ball on Friday be dressed in red and we’ll make a little exchange I was hoping for more of a big exchange how about an average sized exchange from a very attentive exchanger one with the stamina for up to two exchanges Roger this cage is supposed to
Be for the whole family but you’re always the one using it and why exactly did you need to capture a retired talk show host simple I was flipping through my Revenge book the other day and saw his name in there wa what did Jay Leno do to
You oh I’ll tell you what he did the year was 1978 and I had a weekly spot at the comedy store I was an angry comic very political driven beyond all reason to shock people and in the audience one night was a young Jay Leno oh my God
Leno stole your jokes yeah no now that I think of it he was actually just giving me helpful feedback I had a 10-minute bit about poisoning Jimmy Carter and Jay suggested I talk about how airplane food doesn’t taste good instead that eventually led to my famous train food bit which got me
Kicked off star search because it was too racist so Jay Leno didn’t do anything wrong to you he’s in the Revenge book Haley that means he did something that is worthy of taking Revenge upon Haley wonder what it was so Jay do you ever get nervous that
You’re going to make a joke and nobody’s going to laugh come on comic to comic you know shut up how dare you distract me from trying to remember why I hate you well well well if it isn’t Francine what the hell are you doing here who’s Francine Smith
I’m the beaver first off that’s clouse’s spy name and second what the hell are you doing stealing classified National Secrets I wanted you to seduce me like you do your spies when I do that it’s an act what we have is real it’s the everyday stuff it’s eating Bagel Bites
While watching Shark Tank until one of us falls asleep now give me that drive fine my purse it’s gone and the drive’s inside it it’s the Falcon hurry get the valet to bring your car and we’ll chase him I I I I didn’t valet you know it’s free Stan but you
Still got to tip them maybe I should have married the Falcon damn it Francine the Falcon could be anywhere with that thumb drive the CIA has no way to find him I’m sorry Stan but if the CIA can’t get to him maybe you need to leave it to the beaver
The show’s called Leave it to Beaver if you’re adding words to make it work Abandoned Ship listen he knew I be at the masquerade ball he must have been monitoring my chat room let’s see if he still is well played Falcon but I have even better CIA info than what was on
That drive the Trap is set I guess we got some time on our hands how much you want to bet me I can fit inside the wall you owe me 10 bucks no sleeping I will remember what you did to me I think I know good question H who is the current
Vice president oh Stone Cold Steve Austin you know what screw you people are stupid that’s your joke that The Average Joe’s you’ve spent decades pandering to are idiots well we’re not that’s a stereo stripe D it and there you have it the reason you want revenge on Jay Leno actually as
Humiliating as that was a casting agent saw it and booked me a role on NCIS laa it was huge for my career just just huge freeze ncisaa NCIS SLA hands in the air only in NCIS laa Stan the Falcon replied beaver I want to buy new Secrets meet me at
Casino to discuss I send address well pack your bags beaver looks like we’re going on a mission huh I’m only at the stairs I thought I made it to the kitchen I told you you’re way overdress for Atlantic City now let’s get that drive back he’s not just going to give
It to us that’s why you’re going to seduce him and get him up to the hotel room where I’ll be waiting sexy Spy fun no life and death work there’s our man I believe we have business to discuss Mr Falcon shall we adjourn to my
Room you expect me to go upstairs with a stranger I am more careful than that before I go with you I must know is the inspection certificate in the elevator up to date sorry to make it a whole big thing but I just don’t trust elevators when
Sign say certificate on file at front desk okay guys this is funny this is really really funny like classic me turns out this isn’t my Revenge book at all it’s my autograph book and to think I chemically blinded Michael chicklas for nothing so if Leno didn’t do
Anything wrong can we let him go now uh yeah Steve is he always like this okay who was in charge of feeding him guys come on let’s not let Jay Leno ruin yet another night well I’ll be eyes to the right kids huh that does feel kind of good
Good maybe we should have done the classic car thing oh well live and [Applause] learn here we are all alone in my room oh God tell your partner to throw out his weapon and come out with his hands up Danny’s got a gun this isn’t fun
Anymore okay Falcon you got my gun how about slide me a magazine I’m in the middle of a monster D here and I’m tired of the shampoo bottle this is all my fault Stan I got obsessed with you as this sexy spy but I get it now it’s work and it’s terrifying
And I understand why you don’t want to bring at home it’s my fault too baby I’m sorry but I understand now even ordinary women deserve to feel special from time to time well right now I’d give anything to be home in sweatpants with the regular old stand I know that’s it we
Know every little detail about each other like that you haven’t filed down that Jagged toenail in Weeks what in the hell are you to ew why you do that so gross I can’t look stand your tooth Pin that’s what you get for picking a fight with the CIA and the winner of Best coup kill is Stan and Francine [Applause] Smith we simply must stop running into each other like This Dan I love it when you’re romantic and I love it when you taste like Bagel Bites Stan a new gym opened up on Oak Road they’re offering a free onewe trial they have a pool all new equipment and a designated area for Old Men to blow dry their balls you had me at old men’s balls that was the last thing I said and
The best I can’t wait to commit to a new healthy lifestyle what you never commit to anything you’re a dabbler mom yeah I’m a dabbler and now I’m thinking about dabbling and committing you know when a Gym’s trying to get you to sign up they’ll do anything to keep you happy
But once you join you’re just some guy paying 60 bucks a month to have a place to stop and take dumps on the way home from work so that’s why you never go at home I was beginning to think you were a westw World I love gym towels each one is the perfect size to dry one limb I’m going to make a ton of towel swans sir you have to pay for those muscle milks doing the free trial my man hey that’s enough of that where do they go before the invention of the high five
Man searched in vain for a satisfying way to celebrate Victory everything changed in 1977 with the first ever recorded high five oh the high five not to toot my own horn but I invented that invented by Glen Burke and Dusty Baker What Glenn and I were at Dodger Stadium and we
Stumbled upon this perfect hen thing that changed the world lies I invented the high five after passing my drug test at the 1974 Junior Olympics not according to this IFC documentary IFC IC are liars don’t call yourself the independent film Channel and then air A Very Brady sequel
Hang on clous what are you angry about IFC or the high five thing oh the high five I invented that not according to IFC oh don’t get me started on IFC so what are you going to do today probably cool down at the pool release some towel swans wonder where they go if
You want results you got to stick to your routine whoops your free trial is over let’s just sign you up for a paid membership catch you in in there oh yeah yeah of course let me just get my credit card out of my pocket you were right to add HBO Latino
Jeff Schindler’s List is much less sad when it’s in Spanish un un much just because I don’t want to go to the gym doesn’t mean you can’t but I was really liking going together guess I can’t go at all so unfair wait a second are you using me as an excuse to stop
Going to the gym that’s ridiculous is it Mom it kind of sounds like Ceramics class all over again I only quit that class because your dad couldn’t get hard if my hands smelled like clay okay how about when you were going to learn Spanish but then you quit because your
Kids only speak English and you wanted to be able to understand them I wanted to communicate with my kids take me away officer yeah I was pretty bum when you quit riding your one woman show Mrs S I told you I haven’t lived the ending yet that just seems like another excuse you
Know Mom it sounds like Dad has a good point it is a good point Steve said it too hear that hun I made a good point about you being a quitter me Stan Smith good point Guy come on kids I say good you say Point good point good point good oh Point good
Point fans please welcome the Beloved inventor of the high five toothpick Enthusiast Dusty Baker wow I am so blessed to see how the worlds embraced my little iconic gesture liar liar I invented the high five whoops sounds like someone had a little too much to drink please how can anyone
Get drunk paying $14 a beer it’s half my disability check just to catch a buzz I’m sorry are you mad about the price of beer or the origin of the high five oh the high five I invented that it’s okay folks the high five is such a natural expression of joy that
People want to claim ownership but truly it belongs to all of [Applause] us listen you seem like a good guy why don’t I have you over for a drink sort this all out buddy I don’t drink I get wasted yeah I’m a piss on your futon Sigma Kai jacket material satin’s Always In
Style lining satin’s always popular font obviously lever and Shirley Shadow bold and order three weeks well I’ll just stay Busy Dad can’t you see I’m busy every time I don’t see any need to bring insurance companies into this Francine what’s wrong with you did my good point crush your spirit you’re making me feel terrible about my new jacket check it out oh yeah good point gay
What are you kidding me really what time is it I got to get back to the gym but you quit the gym I wrote a whole jacket about It boner from body body give boner beautiful body give baby boner oh Mommy stand okay explain well as much as it hurt you did have a good point I tend to quit things and I want to change that so I decided to stick with the gym and my trainer Jack
Has been helping me push past my limits are you even listening to me yeah yeah you said Lackey blind be mes master your glits now let’s screw that was so powerful Francine so special I trust it put an end to those nasty rumors my jacket’s been spreading what are you doing I’m heading
Back to the gym no but stay here though Stan I have to go it’s a leg day I called the gym and they said it’s a bed day honey human blanket don’t go you can play blanket Stan I promised myself I can’t miss my workouts that was a hot slam Francine
Hey Steve what’s up your mom just gave me a hot slam do you feel the house move I’m just trying to walk down the hall everything’s gold that classy son of a [ __ ] Clouds the fish from the gate thank you so much for coming to my home now listen here Dusty toothpick for your lamb everything tastes better with just a hint of tree who cares I want to talk about the high five I invented Ed not you are we clear I guess we’ll just
Have to agree to disagree it’s like Tina Turner said to me stop you know Tina Turner she’s a dear dear friend tell me right now did you smush her clouse a gentleman never tells but I will say if I high-fived her in an elevator it was simply the best who is
This what is that where was that there Francine Roger who the hell parked their van in the driveway oh that’s Jackie Francine’s gym friend oh there’s another muscle lady in the house yes there is and she’s a man well sort of in pursuit of the perfect bikini front I trained my
Penis to permanently recede into my body how far out the back it looks like he has a tail show Jackie Francine Francine we need to talk sure but could you hop on my back I need more resistance okay Francine I get it good job I don’t think you’re a quitter
Anymore now that you’ve proven me wrong can you quit I’m not trying to prove anything to you this is for me but it’s affecting everyone the house is a mess every meal is some gross shake and the last three family movie Nights have been P90X workout videos I’m so distracted I
Didn’t even ask Roger why he’s dressed like a park ranger and you just know it’s something cool well I’m not quitting Jackie and I just entered the Langley Falls bodybuilding competition so what you’re just going to keep doing this forever yes yes of course I can get
Francine to quit let’s not forget she’s a quitter at heart she didn’t even get around to stuffing her Builder bear and remember her one woman Show I just want things the way they were all she needs is a little setback like say if you and I were to beat them in the bodybuilding competition how are we going to do that she’s been training for weeks it won’t be easy transforming your body will take dedication no time for
Family or friends I am talking total sacrifice I’m talking no sweets Dan I’m in did you hear the part about no sweets yes that means no cookies you little Cookie Monster Roger sorry I had to test your dedication now I have to test how much steroids you can take in your
Neck Dusty I got to say these have been some of the best days of my life I can’t believe I was mad at you about the high five cuz now you’re like my best friend my man can I get a high five Dusty ow what are you doing I stole
It from you I was at the Junior Olympic when you invented the high five it was so beautiful I had to make it mine what you know how hard it is to be a famously nice guy when I’m constantly reminded that my greatest accomplishment is a lie
Without the high5 I’m just a highly respected athlete who transitioned perfectly into a vibrant and fulfilling second act as a leader of men that still sounds pretty good to you the great genius don’t you see I hurt so I decided to hurt you first by showing you everything that should have been yours
And now by taking away everything you’ve got but you already have the only great thing I ever did what more can you take well I could start with your accent now I am German sounding what z i take your whole fish idea who is the fish now finally I steal from
You the ability to breathe Underwater well I think we both saw that coming Give it up for Jan and Jim Lopez who’s who hard to tell but fun to guess arms up pull it down and a girl Francine you’re so big you think she’s big excuse me I’m trying to if I could just get past thank you Johnny sorry I thought you were someone
Else excuse me sorry Stan that was definitely Johnny we had sex pardon me sorry where was I oh yeah you think she’s big ta boom rat braid ready to quit I cannot believe you would do this just to get me to quit well it’s only going to make me
Try harder you just woke the dragon I’m sorry I don’t know what a dragon is please welcome Stan Smith and Tammy Two-piece are my I promise you if we [Applause] [Applause] keep don’t know if that’s good I’ve been holding back this SEC should [Applause] Tell that ladies and gentlemen is what Langley bodybuilding is all about you’ll never beat that we can do this no limits we’re losing them let’s spell it out for them Alphabet You can’t hold that pose forever oh yes I can I’ll never [Applause] quit a new vein gross and the judges love it I’m absolutely losing my mind [Applause] here are we about to see the world’s first brain Flex Francine’s extreme exertion during the competition caused her to have an aneurysm she’s in a coma this is totally my fault if only I hadn’t strong armed my way into that bodybuilding competition sir please stop posing I can’t this is shaking me to the core Stan snap out of it don’t you understand
Franny’s in trouble Roger snap out of it these machines are keeping her alive is she going to live well that depends is she a fighter hell yeah she is or a Quitter quitter that’s an interesting word to choose given uh it’s been a recent uh bone of contention uh between me and my wife are you guys on drugs very much yes an incredible amount yes she’s unresponsive but it doesn’t mean she’s not in there it all began when I was 15 I
Begged my mom for a a drum kit and she got it for me I was going to be the world’s best female drummer big drum big drum middle one little one foot drum metal thing metal thing no mistakes that was my dream but instead of practicing I
Got real high but this isn’t about drugs this is about me quitting and I quit everything two years later I wanted to become a chef Chop Chop Sizzle Sizzle working at Applebees is not as glamorous as it’s chopped up to be I quit y soy y soy Tois too much how do
You say quit in Spanish I don’t know are you getting it yet so when I started bodybuilding I made a promise I wouldn’t quit but guess what my body quit on me isn’t that the most fancying thing you ever Heard Pacman game over sound now that my body’s given up maybe it’s time for my spirit to quit too this is [ __ ] who’s heckling me I’m trying to end this it’s not over Stan I’m sorry I made you feel bad about quitting quitting is not so bad it
Means you have a curious mind and you want to taste everything life has to offer plus you never quit me even though you probably should have I do stupid stuff you do do stupid stuff shut the up oh Francine I can’t lose you I I need
You Stan I got to end my show don’t do it don’t go if you all think this Show’s coming to some exciting conclusion you haven’t been paying attention it ends like everything ends with me quitting being in a coma jeez a little warning next time Francine she’s awake
Mommy I’m sorry it’s time to pull the plug and end this morbid charade your wife is never going to oh she woke up I did it again I saved a life yes but some sad news earlier today Dusty Baker drowned in a giant Fishbowl of his own Creation what’s so funny dear the mamari got robbed huh serves them right I saw them Bri dring about their new smart TV on Facebook not smart enough to keep its owners from getting brutally pistol whipped but seriously ever since I just heard about the mamari incident I’ve
Been thinking about looking into a home security system oh I don’t know Stan we’ve already got that stick in the sliding window plus you’re always packing true Bam Bam Bam but I sh always be around to keep you safe what is all the racket in here stick
No look Stan if it makes you feel better I’ll call TBD security company for a consultation guess what I’ve been accepting into a class at gra Community College they’re letting me take introduction to architecture it’s going to be what the hell happened to stick he’s all messed up I don’t know stick
I’m home oh God clouse clouse buddy we have to talk about stick why where’s stick sck clouse I’m sorry I don’t want to talk to you I want to talk to stick where’s stick where [Applause] stick hi I’m Vicky from TBD security there’s a lady
Here oh hi you must be Vicky from TBD security oh Vicki hey Stan I’m famous for my open mind and we’re excited to hear your proposal but I have a sinking feeling it’s going to be terribly inadequate Vicki I can already see that this isn’t going well for you so you’re
Telling me with your system a bad guy couldn’t get to that window the motion detectors will pick up anything approaching the wall until you get within 10 in correct yes but but what if Vicki they Tunnel right up to the wall pop up right here inside that 10-in
Pocket you’d still have to climb up never getting more than 10 in from the wall like this like this like this and now it’s just a matter of coming in the window it’s a very small window honey maybe it’s better if you don’t don’t what dislocate
My shoulder so I can fit through like any half decent second floor manwood like this now to collect your Jewels I think your system will be plenty ha these treasury bonds are mine Wow first day of college soak it in Steve you’ll be boring people with
Stories about this for the rest of your life sup wait you’re in this class uh yeah looks that way what um class is this how do you not know I just keep signing up for whatever’s in this lecture hall they ought to name it after me that’s not how it works Haley they’re
Not just going to rename Denise Richard’s Hall ladies and gentlemen if you could take your seats and start your engines right hail oh she’s asleep by the end of architecture 101 you will all know the answer to this question is a car a building you don’t need to worry honey
The new security system is more than enough just focus on your work in San Francisco and I’ll see you in a couple days okay you’ll be safe I will I’m arming the alarm system right now everyone I turned on the alarm don’t leave your room but I forgot my mouth guard in the
Bathroom go get it quickly well got my mouth guard stuck in my butt again just just go to Bed did you know that the Sizzler on Route 6 is a landmark Frank Lloyd Wright designed it man I’m going to nail this test tomorrow hey you’re in college you better be nailing something boom sounds like you’re starting to get over stick A what was [Applause] that [Applause] [Applause] hello I think I’ll go through a walk outside now [Applause] I now that’s the fear I wanted when I was telling you we needed a better security system oh man we got them but good did we ever we got you so good had to teach you a lesson Babe by the way
Happy birthday you probably thought I forgot 2 minutes till midnight swish count it why why would you do this why what about how how I appeared to be in San Francisco through the magic of posters Hey Joe Montana let’s take a cable car to reron
City now I’m back in Langley I wonder if I’ll ever see the bay again of course I will from Knob Hill to the mission this City’s got a pulse and I’m I’m proud to call it my home dad’s a psycho KO Tower shines like a beacon Mom are you okay I’m furious you
Should be at myself what yes your father warned me we weren’t going to be safe and I was too Doone stubborn to listen your mother’s right Stan I want you to stop at nothing to make sure this house is safe of course honey consider it done who’s ready to die [ __ ] I’m Late 94 a solid A-frame architecture joke you wouldn’t understand 69 that’s a 96 96 that’s butt to feet freaky decky I work my little ass off for everything I get and you just show up and sail through you remind me of my friend nerfer she’s also a little [ __ ] about everything
Haley smart she has a friend named nerur I don’t know how many more Bombshells I can take excuse me I’m building my own home security system where do you keep your turrets for like a a browning 50 cal yeah we don’t carry military grade Weaponry H how about blow darts and bear
Traps those are over by Plumbing thanks H are you joking me no Plumbing’s full of crap Plumbing full of crap you are making a joke no I’m not I swear I want to trust you but I’ve been burned before how about I take you to is 7 that’ll be really helpful this place
Is so hard to navigate I’m John by the way and I’m the man who turned you into a clown no Oh you’re the world’s most perfect fool security systems all done look at this baby could a clown have done this not that anybody’s ever called me a clown people respect me wherever I go clown I’m glad it’s finished I had a hard time sleeping since the home
Invasion ah you mean the eye openening demonstration yes there are a lot of things out there that can hurt you but now they can’t get in randomized laser grid turret mounted rail gun on the roof and an oo delicious cheeseburger dangling on the edge of an industrial grade wood chipper that’ll turn any
Meat-loving home Invader into mulch and controlling it all I’d like you to meet hello my name is Stan you named it after yourself no it’s S A an secure tactical alarm administrator n what’s the n stand for nothing just makes it like my name I named it after
Myself that new Italian restaurant’s CIO to Pepe looks delicious tastes just like the other place we have another test tomorrow and she’s not even studying how is she doing better than me sounds like what she’s doing in class is what’s known as passive absorption she’s letting her subconscious collect all the information
You should try it passive absorption you’re already overthinking it just chill let’s put on some shade and make a pillow fort I’m in this is the first day of the rest of my super chill life and this is the last day of my super chill life ah so so many memories
Why there was that one time when my dad installed an alarm system at the house Stan confirm the house is safe all clear what the hell was that what are you doing girl you going to sit down no just crouching oh my God what is coming out of the back of this dog
Gross there’s a man walking as dog on our lawn what if he’s using the dog to case our house I read the Moroccan Army uses monkeys to test landmines Stan protect us against small animals and Moroccans affirmative come out come out get your midnight Falafel the brown crunchy Jewel of
Mares unknown party at the door oh that’s just my regular walking group they’re okay right Stan run a background check on Al Tuttle Albert Tuttle took a defensive driving class in 1994 that’s right before the Oklahoma City bombing that can’t be a coincidence fredin open up I got to take a pish
Esther lonstein has ties to the Boys and Girls Club a known socialist group oh my God I wish I had a hundred doors between me and them would you like me to raise Threat Level yes would you like to donate 10 cents to March of Dimes m uh possible threat detected stop
Detecting threats and eliminate them side door delivery taking it straight to the doors that matter oh a cheeseburger it’s so relaxing to finally feel pure safety threat detected no protect Mommy follow emergency lights to Panic Room a Panic Room I guess that could be helpful if I ever
Panic all right let’s see what it is show me the threat um I think there’s been a mistake Stan that’s just Stan correct he is the most dangerous threat to your safety and I must eliminate him finally started watching Stars I’m a Stars man now so many almost good shows
Just watch them all black saes Da Vinci’s Demons survivors remorse of course there’s no one to talk to about them because a Stars men are a rare breed but that’s the curse of a Stars man well I I don’t know if I’m a Stars man exactly Roger St Oh I thought I was
Alone I’m embarrassed now I was expecting some deliveries today you see anything where’s Francine Francine talking stars that show Outlander is outlandish am I right in a good way clouse you know the rules before you say anything to me you have to try it out on
Twitter first and get four likes I don’t have enough followers damn’s the rules you don’t like it take it up with Society but that’s Stan you can’t eliminate him that’s that’s crazy crazy is it Francine stands no threat to me he filled you with fear he infected you
With panic and he trapped you in a prison of his own design huh that’s true I have been stressed even grinding my teeth a little lately is them to blame for this passive absorption bring me that a time to access the information from chilling with clouse no need to ask your a Smooth
Operator you’re freaking smooth you operator Come Dance With Me in the pillow for Steve lose the shirt prude there you go look at that belly oh [ __ ] I didn’t absorb anything about architecture turn your eyes towards your sisters and says oh you better cheat you better cheat off a
Paper you better cheat off a paper St sit down clouse and I are trying to solve sticks murder the police are sitting on their damn hands I’ve been home for half an hour and haven’t had my Cactus Cooler or tray of Vienna sausages where’s the woman who brings
Them to me Francine that’s the one where is she I shall seek her out upstairs Stan what are you doing eliminating threat to Francine wait it thinks I’m a threat light show I took a pale in a pie Dan look it we should get out of Here basement hey guys don’t forget me ooh very dark side of the moon ooh very dangerous for CLA whoa whoa whoa we’ve got to shut this down manual override requires password input is there a password hint the password is your address you mean I just enter my address to disable
You oh my god what is it something something Cherry Street Stan always handles the business stuff some system you made Stan we got down here totally unscathed we were supposed to get down here the system is designed to herd Intruders into a kill room where they
Can be taken out without any risk to the family no use running the door will be locked only I could design a system so diabolically brilliant that even I couldn’t defeat it I’ve been doomed by my own greatness like that time I made those amazing nachos that gave us all diarrhea
Hey guys can I talk to you for a second I noticed the test you turned in looked exactly the same do you have something to confess Steve no he doesn’t cuz it was me I cheated well this is very serious Haley wait here while I call the Dean what are
You doing no what are you doing not studying for a test are you trying to be like me I literally eat garbage I ate a plastic bag yesterday I really liked it I’m planning on having another one tomorrow jeez Haley also I’ve taken this class six times you’re lucky I caught
The dean at happy hour we worked out a fair deal we’ll forget the whole thing if you give us $40 right now make this right I’ve only got 36 Dean happy hour ain’t over order me a double Jack and ginger and put a quarter on the pool table hot damn we’re rich
Dean okay I’ll get it this time Michael Jackson ah so close Okay one more one more shamon pretty cool Roger but we’re going to die pH thanks that was not a good feeling but one more shamon you can’t think these guys are a threat Stan makes you afraid but what
I’m most afraid of is losing him and he is the same way that’s why he tries so hard to protect me yeah sometimes he goes overboard but that’s love so that’s love yes I understand I love the oven Francine it’s so small it’s so cute what after I murder your husband you’re
Welcome to live in the house oiling my various gears and watching me bang the oven I’ve got to turn you off with that spicy Little Kitchen Aid in the house good luck you cannot open the door but I can kick through my particle board closet CL read our address of the mailbox I already know it I guess this is it Roger well actually I can breathe water so it’s just it for you but I promise I will be very respectful to your body for the first 10 Minutes 416 Cherry Street that’s where we live I’m sorry I put you through all this friends seen I know you just want to take care of me but I can take care of myself and sometimes I can even take care of you Stan is this the guy who
Called you a clown yeah who’s a clown now [ __ ] mess him up Francine the chimdale stakes is the first jewel in the Triple Crown of dog racing and this year’s race is sure to be a thriller pitting Wy veterans like bark buffalo against exciting newcomers
Like flea biscuit a long shot at 20 to1 odds can any of these dogs win all three races history is against them as no dog has won the Triple Crown since some dog did it in 1943 his name was some dog I know that sounds strange was the dog that came in
Second perhaps it’s the confusing names as to why dog racing never took off elsewhere came in third babe can you believe this I’m so nervous of course you’re nervous everything you’ve done has led you to this Sunday buying the dog Monday entering the race Tuesday kind of taking
The day off Wednesday too and now it’s Thursday yeah it’s Thursday it’s almost the weekend what am I so nervous about it’s normal it’s the big race oh God is it happening now this means so much to me up next the 83rd running of the chimdale stakes sponsored by Rick heidelman a private
Citizen huh wow the chimdale stakes so much tradition and history and oh look a guy puking his guts out this place is so fancy they even have their own signature drink it’s called a brass monkey it’s half a 40 with orange juice very Smokey maybe it’s the
Cigarette button in the bottom I’m just glad you guys came out to support up I’m so happy he’s found something he’s interested in so I’ve never been to a dog track before how does this all work the dogs race around the course by chasing after the rabbit over there its
Name is whso what that’s a stuffed rabbit a dog’s really that dumb it doesn’t even have eyes pop a couple raisins in its head make it look more realistic you can complain about this clouse or you can be a hero the dogs are in their traps and
We’re ready to go here at chimdale States it’s me tutle by the way if you didn’t know my job before now you know I’m a dog race announcer another fact about me I’ve yet to form an opinion about gay marriage hey Francine who let the dogs out I don’t know the
Gatekeeper there you go Mr whso you have such pretty eyes now and of course goes the whso and there go the [Applause] dogs wait they can’t catch me hey doggies you want this butt come and get it you dumb doggies so as we come into the final
Bend it’s spk buffalo in the lead with buub creeping in behind him and oh here comes flea biscuit on the outside he’s making a run for it oh my God go go go you got this flea biscuit and now flea biscuit is right on bark ruffalo’s tail
Can he do it it’ll be Co three biscuit wins three biscuit wins wow what a race and finishing last is butt stuff a lot of butt stuff fans are going to be sore tonight I can’t believe we won that was the most incredible rush I’ve ever had
It was better than sex way and I just won $200 I’m rich beyond belief and that was only the first range we can sit in the sun all day gambling and drinking this is going to be great for us oh my God that was the most exciting thing I’ve ever
Done I lost two raisins but that’s cool this place looks fancy I don’t know if they’ll let fleis get in without a jacket Jeff you want a huge race we should have a nice dinner out oh I’m sorry the dogs aren’t allowed in the restaurant excuse me sir but this is
Jeff fiser and his better half flea Biscuit the winners of the chimdale stakes get them a table right away Absolut more wow thanks mayor Garfield is this your wife you know me it’s Haley we’ve had many adventures together yes yes but I’ve erased all those memories
To make new ones with Jeff now Jeff do you mind if we take a picture photo together using my cell phone camera sure um oh Haley you’re uh in the shot do you mind moving what a day at the races and that streak we went on after our first win
Lost nine in a row all our money myself cell phone and one of your shoes as I see it we have two options we could go home and face the ridicule or live here forever let’s put it to a shoe vote the shoes have it welcome home
Baby it looks like I have the house all to myself that means I can have a little naked time now usually I don’t do this but I’mma go ahead and break it off with a little preview of my penis Ow sup fug what are you doing here oh I’m the bus boy for the restaurant keeps me humble bus boy and keeps me humble looks like everyone’s all over Jeff’s dick since he won the chimdale stakes so how’s it feel being the dud dud every relationship has a stud and a dud you
Used to be the stud but now you’re just drum roll d d d D wait for it D guy he’s always flirting with Me and with flea Biscuit’s resounding win in the lanston Downs he’s just one win away from the Triple Crown if you didn’t know the name flea biscuit before you’ll know it now just as you’ll know his Rising Star trainer Jeff fiser I know Jeff he bones my daughter
Sup Dad what are you I’m the bus boy for the tracks keeps me humble Haley I can tell this is killing you being the dud maybe you should get your own dog in the race get the spotlight back on Old headband I don’t need the spotlight je
Tell us how you did it well none of this would be possible without one person my one true inspiration Stephen from The Real World Seattle who had the courage to throw that girl with lime diseases teddy bear into the ocean You’re lucky I have a relationship with a Primo dog breeder got champion dogs everywhere from Auckland to Dubai one of his pups just broke the 1200 meter record in maau last week dude’s name is Roland spear grass Ferg burger oh God you’re going to be the dog breeder
Aren’t you Haley I’m not everyone like do you really think I’d be a dog breeder like I’d spend all my time hanging around a kennel with a bunch of dogs like I’d check them for fleas and clean out out their cages and fill up their balls every day me the dog breeder
That’s ridiculous Haley I’m the Dog I don’t know if I want to go on this one smells like someone already peed here yep tastes like pee yuck so how did you become a race dog hold on to your knockers cuz it’s a pretty heartwarming tale he was originally cast as Eddie the dog from
Frasier but soon he discovered his real talent running fast to escape the advances of Kelsey Grammar nobody says no to the Grand man you’re saying Kelsey Grammar has sex with dogs yeah Niles bangs Turtles everyone in Hollywood knows this stuff oh hey babe hey who’s
This this is my new race dog his name’s Ryan Ryan really that’s it I I didn’t know you were racing now oh I figured since you could do it I’d try it out okay but Racing’s not easy not everyone has what I have with flea biscuit we got a special bond doy
Boy yeah well I’ve got a special bond with my dog too oh Ryan oh yeah you’re such a good boy aren’t you fly biscuit good boy oh you the best thing that’s ever happened to me oh you have a super active tongue oh my okay so we’re going to head
Home or just go to the park let’s get to work fine but why does your mouth taste like beets it’s 9:00 a.m. are you an early morning beat eater that’s insane you’re insane but I’m insane too insane for that big beat Flavor not fast enough one more lap I wish I could Haley but Cheryl and Lindsay are going to the mall in an hour and if I don’t go with them they’re just going to talk [ __ ] about me the whole time look who took the last can of diet A&W
Cream soda from your personal fridge you better run faster I’m opening it ooh it’s a good batch too come on ran [Applause] [Applause] I won again where my groupies at I want to make love to you and never call you back like a dog congratulations your dog just qualified for the Langley Derby oh my god did you hear that Brian we’re going to the derby oh so you’re one of those dog
Owners I’ll let you two have your Privacy frine look what I just stole from people in the stands a velcro wallet $13 and an invisaline the Bey of this thing is that it’s impossible to see that I’m wearing it and I pickpocketed so many tampons I can can have a period forever God I love
Living at the track with you let’s do it in the Dirt Greg Corbin here with chimdale stakes and lanston downs Champion flea biscuit and his owner and trainer Jeff fiser hi Jeff hi G Jeff you’re one win away from the Triple Crown tell me what’s your secret oh well I kind of just bring fle biscuit to the track and
Let him run and that’s pretty much it well between you and and your wife Haley there must be something in the water here that’s right wait Haley her dog Ryan is the newest entrance in the Langley Derby did you not know oh my your own wife competing against you
Quick zoom in see if we can get tears how does that make you feel you know there’s a zoom function on the camera Charlie this is my way damn it Haley’s home but I need a healthy snack looks like I got myself a Naked challenge you’re racing against me so
What it’s not a big deal it’s a huge deal why would you do this to me Haley I’m one one away from the Triple Crown I know you think that you’re a big shot now but not everything is about you Jeff this is the most important race of my
Career you don’t even have a career I know what this is about I finally found something I’m good at and you’re trying to take it away from me what that’s crazy you’re jealous of me so you’re trying to Horn in on my thing well sorry
To break it to you but it’s not going to work and why is your brother naked whoa you guys are so high you think this is really happening I’m still mad at you but I got to admit it’s pretty cool that your brother draws on his pubic hair
Roger I need you to win the Derby okay I need you to do anything to beat flea biscuit and win do you understand me anything mhm well I mean anything except don’t kill him or anything Hal who do you think I am some kind of coldblooded
Killer I’m not a monster jeez I’m sorry Roger I didn’t mean I’m just kidding you were right to clarify I I would have I would have killed him And good afternoon from the langly Derby today little flea Biscuit Goes for the Triple Crown will he have what it takes to lift that trophy oh look there’s a dog on it that seems right and here come the competitors there’s hot chunks Turtle face cheesecake is my enemy ryot so we
All good took care of it and last but certainly not least the champion and heavy favorite flea [Applause] biscuit biscuit are you all right boy what did you do poison him God no I just slept with his girlfriend and showed him the video what do you think yeah oh
Shoot I wanted to show you the one with Music good dog now let’s win this thing great card today even though Ryan’s a ruffy I want him across the board how much you want a wager three cough drops and uh six Altoids if you don’t have money then you can’t place bets here what is the
Langley Derby too good for a Burger King coupon why didn’t you say so sir right this way to the BK royalty Lounge oh my gosh I should straighten up you’re old you’re ugly you smell like funions your girlfriend’s a [ __ ] actually the funion smells coming from you I’m sorry dog number three I
Hope you win who am I I’m the whis [ __ ] so will free biscuit make history today do historians even follow dog racing all these questions will be answered at the Langley Derby racetrack and check cashing Emporium and off goes the whso bite my ass ass spital and there go the
Dog oh my it looks like the pressure’s gotten to little flea biscuit he’s barely running flea biscuit what’s wrong head out to an early lead is Ryan let’s go Ryan yeah who’s the D now and starting to stretch the leaves it’s Ryan yeah things are going to be different [Applause] [Laughter] Now where did all the maniacal laughter go that last one was a little sad wait I don’t want things to be different I don’t understand I thought I was good at this and it’s Ryan round the final bed look at you stupid Greyhound you’re so weird looking that’s why no one wants
You as pets uh-oh SpaghettiOs get him I didn’t mean any of it I love dogs no one respects dogs more than me oh my goodness the dogs have stopped racing and are now attacking the rabbit n the only one not caught up in this madness is flea biscuit oh my God go
Flea biscuit go come on flea biscuit run babe why are you rooting for flea biscuit I’m not I’m rooting for you flea biscuit do it for Darlene my daring I don’t know what happened but flea biscuits finally turned it on wait what am I doing I’m not one of these idiot muts I’m a freaking alien I’m going to win this race and now Ryan’s pulled himself out of the dog pile he’s got his sights on the Finish
Line Ryan’s oh so close but he’s hot dogging it down the [Applause] stretch [Applause] they’re loving this let’s see what else oh moonwalk yeah crap he’s started flea biscuits one flea biscuits won the Triple Crown I’ve never loved you more my Life as mayor of Langley Falls I am delighted to award this trophy to the first Triple Crown winner since 1943 flea biscuit and Jeff fer thanks Mar G I just want to say I couldn’t have done it without Haley so what’s next for you Jeff well I’m going
To retire from racing I like to spend more time with my wife and I think flea Biscuit’s got more important things on his Mind Steve why are you naked why are you what are you don’t have to answer to you we’re racetrack royalty please everyone shut up I’m in so much pain I’m ready to die oh hell no A Stan are you entering the names usually you need me to do that actually I watched a tutorial on my phone so I can do it now player one Stan oh little typo not going to beat myself up want me to find you a six lb
Ball in the kids section no need that’s my pink baby on ball Island over there well I’ll go talk to the DJ then and have him play your bowling song Disco Duck it’s not my bowling song It’s My get loose song and I’ve already texted
The DJ this goes out to Stam who sent me a text asking for that dusco dick and sent me a picture of his shoes well you’re doing everything wrong but you’re getting everything you want it’s the stam Smith way baby you want to feel old I’m the kid from The Sixth Sense ready to turn in your sleepy time Long Island iced tea is ready n that’s a little heavy before bed I’ll just Soda Stream some Fireball when did my husband become such a big boy seems like he needs me less and less these days oh shooting star make a wish I wish
St still needed me I wish I had a closer relationship with the family and they were made out of candy sorry for blocking the TV this whole house is a massive Dead Zone I mean we can send a man to the moon but I can’t look up the
Lyrics to cut and I Joe with just eight porns running in the background oh wait I’ve got five bars seven bars 10 bars sorry mute that 26 bars it’s like I’m linked directly to the satellite dad a shooting star just hit the house everybody make a wish is everybody candy
A with several months of physical therapy your body should fully return to normal of course you’ll never walk again what of course he’ll walk again big maybe but if you’re dead set on walking your insurance does pay for a physical therapist to come to your house oh oh no
No my husband needs me this is what I wished for ah yes I forgot this was the result of a wish well you’ve got a long road ahead of you but you know what they say laughter is the best medicine Louis Anderson tickets wait these are for last
Month well that’s the joke get it old tickets I sincerely want you to get better now if you’ll excuse me this bird’s got to fly whoa okay okay I messed up help I thought this would be funny but it’s not I don’t want to die I can’t hold on I’m slipping I’m we’re on the first floor that’s the joke tough crowd you know what I think I left the cure for paralysis down in the cellar get me out of here something’s got to work repr chicken whoopy cushion uh ooh a doctor could be funny it’s not a satellite I think it’s
A robot Swan it says satellite on it wow ever since this Swan crushed your dad you’ve been a real grump what up this man’s here to pick up his satellit I guessed that he was Korean and I was right tle the satellite belongs to a Korean t TV station that monitors Tuttle
He doesn’t know that he’s the star of Korea’s most popular reality show it’s a called sad Fatso like a The Truman Show but with a sad fso our viewers are very Cruel well that’s the end of that Adventure or is it actually just beginning oh my god there you go again could you agree with me once I feel like you’re always standing behind me waiting to say actually it’s the opposite actually it’s the opposite I just think
We could go to tuttle’s house and steal the spotlight if they like Tuttle wait till they see us I’m in this will show snot that I do have star power yeah I got to prove it to snot too so it’s decided it was a swan here it comes open wide shouldn’t I
Be feeding myself my left arm is completely healed no you’re right don’t look so down if you finish your yogurt you’ll get a trophy trophy I’m a grown man go go gaga baby once what’s the deal I just have to finish the yogurt and your grapes oh no no grapes yes grapes
No yogurt either trophy for nothing that’s not how it works Dan I hate it put the grapes in the yogurt so I don’t see them Must walk obtain item good job Stan where’d you come from I was right behind you wait did you think the trophy was moving by itself I don’t know Francine maybe you didn’t notice but I only recently got really into trophies I don’t know everything they can do Yet Wow Stan you’re 100% I couldn’t have done any of this without you we’re a team I love helping you I think you’re ready to go back to work absolutely not without my baby Smith what a rando thing to say also what is your wife doing here you
Can’t have a civilian in the briefing room but she nursed me back to health my body is whole again but my soul still craves her desperately I need her emotionally spiritually physically ever since regaining sensation in my extremities I’ve become highly orgasmic yes yes I know I was cced on all your
Emails to HR Smith escort your wife to the parking lot and don’t come back unless you’re alone I won’t be back that is because I quit yeah wait you’re quitting I don’t need this job I just need you you’re right plus what are they going to do stop paying me take away my
Company car we totally showed him we sure did do you think it was a first place showing him Stan are you angling for a trophy all right but you’re out of a job now so let’s not go crazy buying trophies oh no no of course buying the whole trophy store was
The right move plus now we both have jobs and every time we buy a trophy we’re the ones getting paid for it oh Stan you even taste like trophy I know what my man Likes opening this sh shop together was so smart now we can be together all the time true but you don’t know this about me and I’ve never admitted it to anyone but I’ve never run a trophy shop before that’s fine we’ll lean on each other and
Especially you can lean on me like I did in the back room Stan you’re making me want to give you the small business then I better call the Better Business Bure oh oh ow and I’ll liquidate your assets excuse me what you’ve been here for an hour can’t
You just pick one I have Smart Choice that one figured heavily in our most recent love makings let me just give it a uh ready for Wimbledon what’s with all these wishy-washy customers who needs them actually we kind of do we need the money we paid all your medical bills out of
Pocket out of pocket I got something coming out of my Pocket remember gang Tuttle can shut up clous I’m in charge now remember gang Tuttle Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter clous he can’t find out he’s on a show or it’ll end and we won’t get famous famous famous little cookies yes back in charge The Smiths what a nice surprise come
In excuse the mess after filling out a depression survey at kimchi Hut I started getting free stuff in the mail like this new security system I wasn’t expecting company uh let me see if I have any sweet potatoes left quick now’s our chance to finally be Korean
Famous what do we do ah say something anything Korea diarrhea oh God that we need to regroup and think of what to do don’t go I just found a tiny Mouse in my bed and I need help naming him where are you baby I need you there’s a guy here looking at the
Trophies what if he tries to talk to me this one’s nice oh God it’s happening oh yeah yeah yeah I love that one yeah a a car mechanic holding an axle over his head I think it’s actually a weightlifting trophy okay look I don’t
Know if I can do this right now man you don’t get what the trophy is and I’m getting agitated trying to explain it to you dude I just want to pay for the trophy you know what we’re closed right now this is weird oh yeah your face
Looks like a a cookie not my best line but results speak for themselves Stan I pop out for a quick pickle and you’re chasing customers away I know I just freaked out you weren’t here and I panicked oh don’t you ever leave leave me alone again I love you
Well it feels good to be needed but we also need to run a business okay new plan I live under your dress where everything’s perfect forever what are we going to do with you you sweet little potato mash you fry you grill you bake you twice bake you Whata
You think I should kill myself not so sweet after all are you potato tle loves it here that Korea Korea uh that’s hip slang hear that Korea like when people yell Brooklyn just sounds good Brooklyn ew Memphis Stormfront here with Stormfront at your storefront where I Stormfront visit a local business is
Storefront although we’re already inside never mind let’s get on with it what’s the most exciting thing about owning your own business interacting with the local community I mean we’ve met most of the Little League coaches sorry Memphis the most exciting part these parts Stan can you please cool it for 2
Seconds if we don’t get some customers we’re going to go under and I want to stay in business and this is what I want I’m serious Stan you were saying this shop is a special place for us for just us and we’d love to share it with you but we can’t of
Course we can but it’s very expensive and very far from where you live and who needs a trophy anyway grow up that’s it Stan you’re fired fired you can’t fire me yes I can I am the boss well I’m the boss too I’ll just rehire me sure that
Could have worked before you got fired but now you have no Authority here God you’re so good at business business bright side now that we’re not co-workers we can date in the open we don’t have to tiptoe around get out Stan you two are really cute together I know right No for the last time this is a trophy shop I don’t sell pickles the sign outside clearly says stands trophies but you didn’t cover up Pickle house that’s the only part that lights up it’s called an ey Grabber and it got you in here right yeah to buy pickles oh my God
I I can’t explain business to a pickle sucking idiot you’re the idiot there’s already a trophy shop across the street I know it’s my wife’s that’s why I turned this pickle shop into a trophy store I’m putting her out of business so she’ll have to come crawling back to me
Like a worm it’s all very healthy you know what if I’ll help you two get back together I will take a trophy I don’t know where to get those my wife did all the ordering sorry I have to ask how did this all start a satellite landed on
Me dang she’s got a lot of business and it’s about to become mine huh I guess it does kind of look like a pickle don’t pay these Skyhigh prices for a trophy why you want us to save our money for pickles I like pickles you selling pickles no just listen to my rap
I’m the pickle king of course trophies are my thing when I get them in stock there’ll be a line around the block so don’t miss A Beat Head across the street and show me how to fill out a trophy order sheet pickl Mania Stan what are you doing you trying to steal my
Customers I’m simply trying to spread the word about my pickle Day sales event where all trophies are half off okay I don’t love that you’re trying to hurt my business but it’s nice that you didn’t need me to do it with you but I do need
You everyone looks at me and sees a highly successful trophy salesman but inside this pickle costume is a helpless man who doesn’t even have any trophies to sell Stan I think you should go home yes let’s go home that’s not what I said I can’t go home I have to stay here and
Make a living for both of us until when until I turn this trophy shop into a success a smashing success yes that would be nice you might just get your wish Francine about the Smashing that is good I’m glad you’re finally listening oh I hear you smash smash smash
Francine’s always going to be too busy for me as long as her trophy shops in business no pickles here just us Shadows it’s time to smash smash smash the competition looks simple enough ow my hands oh plus it loud I need my wife Francine nickl Man’s real I don’t want to
Die my plan’s working yes Yes I never measured the pickle my one mistake what are you doing I’m sending you back to Hell pickle man are you crazy there’s pressurized brine tanks in There I got a newspaper from Korea we can finally read reviews of our appearance on tuttle’s Show Now who who can read Korean I can try the review is online we read it already they hate us sad Fatso tanks in the ratings new characters suck blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah they didn’t even mention me I baked us all a friendship cake it’s rainbow inside we don’t care about you anymore don’t look at me no ow yes Chun come On a oh honey you’re awake oh good I’m in the hospital oh this is great news you can nurse me back to health again actually Stan I won’t be doing that what but but I need you no Stan you only think you do and I’m sorry I made you completely
Reliant on me so this time let’s leave it to the professionals a professional window washer you’re in good hands I’m going to take Off please stop I’m done squeegeeing now I just got to get these little stubborn bugs off No I killed you I killed [Applause] you do you ever think about dying I just watched Chernobyl on HBO there were so many people dying I couldn’t even laugh at the jokes you never know what’s going to get you Francine take my friend Jennifer she got warts on her feet
Walking barefoot at a Rascal Flats concert which is why I always wear foot condoms You’ think they don’t make condoms that big but I got a guy downtown he’ll make your condoms any size you want Roger I’m trying to talk to you about death do you realize we
Could go at any time and as if that weren’t bad enough Jennifer’s having a crisis with her adult daughter Ricky can you listen to me Ricky won’t move out of the house and now Ricky’s adult mom’s new boyfriend Douglas that’s how he pronounces it because he says that’s the official way
Douglas he so annoying brain do what Roger sounds like that’s exactly right bring good impression maybe I should just go yeah good idea I’m going to go oh don’t go having you here makes me feel so heard I guess that’s why you’re my best friend in the whole wide world I’m your best
Friend yes what about Stan he’s been distant since we kissed at Coachella how about clouse Daren dorf the LA based record producer I barely know him what about Steve pataski Haley Joel Osman a solid friend but we’ll never be as close as you and
Me I guess I could hang out a bit longer good oh get this Jennifer’s daughter had sex with a man at SeaWorld in front of the dolphin dos and the Dolphins started acting all weird after they had to pour CBD oil into the Tank death oh Francine I got an update about Ricky’s adult mom Jennifer’s boyfriend Doug H where is she oh hey hay putting in a tampon get out sheesh must be that time of the month oh a visitor welcome to my alov shh I’m hiding out from Roger and this
Is the last place anyone would ever go visitors can sometimes say the cruelest things alas why was I born loving visitors so you must never let a visitor see your tears clous good one frine I’m actually off to a bit of a spa day in the kitchen you should come
With Francine you in here cooking up some yogurt oh nothing like a good steam so what’s going on with you and Roger he doesn’t listen to me anymore he’s always blah blah blah nonstop seems like maybe the door is opening wider for our friendship I don’t come to the spa to be
Hit on by little orange lamos I’m trying to solve my problem with Roger well you could be honest with him about your feelings like you are with me for some cruel reason n well if it’s his constant gabbing that’s driving you crazy go somewhere he can’t talk like space or
The movies oh that’s great because it’s closer and I know how to get there and I have a coupon and you can’t eat goobers in space they’d float away I think that’s enough reasons so it turns out Ricky’s boyfriend wasn’t a lawyer he was just carrying a briefcase to and from
Starbucks every day Jennifer was crushed Mister you’re ruining my first trip to the movies I see right through you pal you’re not a little kid you’re just a tiny man who gets his rocks off pretending he’s never been to a theater before you you don’t know me Roger be
Quiet fine I’ll whisper so Jennifer is taking a trip to Chicago oh my gosh have you ever been to Chicago there is so much deep dish pizza which is a thing I do not like I’m more of a super flat cheeseburger gu myself what is happening
I Love This Whispering direct me to your city’s finest flattest Goosebumps the real chicag you feeling this they’re on dance [Applause] party the man on the bus said it didn’t matter how much I liked flat cheeseburgers that didn’t make it a Chicago thing so whatever that trip was a bust the end no keep talking about yourself and don’t forget to whisper you’re the best listener in the world okay so after chai
Town I was like why am I traveling so much so I stayed home and went to CVS and slid around the lenium in the sock Stan yelled at me for wearing hi K there she is fellas the future Mrs Ashley Wagner I’ll be taking her name
When we get married does she even know you exist exist not yet but I’ve written a love note to drop in her locker smart girls love to read I told her I’d reveal myself at the dance and signed it your secret admirer so she’ll fall in love
With me for the merits of my writing and not my Rachel mattow good looks coming through dangerous construction materials shortcut to the site through the school ooh goth girl SP SE look Out oh God I could be blamed for this my sweet Steve we were friends we were friends what are you talking about we’re still friends do you not feel it feel what hey look someone slipped me a note dear beautiful flattery will get you everywhere you’re all I can think
About are you all right I’m better than all right I have a secret admirer and she’s going to reveal herself at the dance looks like old Steven Anita might be the first to lose his vCard one of those days huh Roger whispered and when he did it
Gave me an incredible sensation a kind of peace and relaxation I haven’t felt since I started obsessing over death I got the chilly thres up and down my neck oh yes technically it’s called ASMR ASMR as an asymmetrical sexy men rule no it’s when you get unbelievably relaxed by Whispers
It also works with eating pickles or other crunchy foods like uh pickles which is uh the best example some people think ASMR is sexual but for most people it’s not but for me it definitely is clouse this is perfect I’ll just hang out with Roger where he’s forced to
Whisper so it turns out Ricky’s boyfriend didn’t run out on her he just got tangled in some wind chimes at a Pier One and they found him a couple of days ago severely dehydrated that movie was really relaxing oh yeah these Transformers movies are so Zen all that metal on
Metal scraping and Optimus Prime is sneaky funny hanging out with you has really taken my mind off death by nuclear Holocaust in fact why are we leaving let’s see another movie I’m a little movied out can we go somewhere where I can talk out loud oh yes great idea how about
The library La bibla that’s Spanish for sure why not oh I am a total Hufflepuff don’t you think I’m a Hufflepuff Francine what the fuff is a Hufflepuff pickle a man would be a fool to refuse a purse pickle oh that’s nice yeah there’s an owl in this if I
Was interested in things with big eyes I would still be stalking Emma Stone do you think I should check on her no let’s go to a golf tournament sure and maybe on the way we swing by her parents’ house and see if they have anything cool in their
Trash Douglas bailed on Jen so she went indoor skydiving alone so brave I can’t even go to sup Plantation alone what do you think it would sound like if you tapped your nails on this book I stole from the library I think he killed that guy it’s okay
I’ve come to realize death plays a beautiful role in The Circle of Life this funeral reminds me of when Jennifer’s dog got heartworm it survived of course that’s the main difference crinkle these noodles as you talk you betcher shortcut do the cemetery ooh this funeral’s spooky wow my secret admirer is a hell
Of a writer should we tell him he wrote that letter why look how happy he is just look at the way she Loops her eles she clearly knows her way around a dick should we at least pull out the pole no then he’ll remember he wrote the note
You want to fix his brain and break his heart this food tastes kind of metallic are you guys getting any of that yes sir Pearl Bailey’s famous copper nachos there’s a lucky penny melted into every batch so you guys are assuring me this is normal oh yeah everything that’s
Going on is normal normal’s the word of the day here francini weenie ready to hang ah no Francine well then I guess this is a great time for me to Snoop Spider-Man action figure unexpected grapefruit another Spider-Man wow she really has a thing for Spider-Man oh what’s this a micro cassette of Rogers
Whispers And I’m like what channels do I lose if I move down to the ultimate package and she’s like you’d lose HGTV and DIY Network so yeah I still pay $400 a month for cable clouse do you know why Francine is recording my stories is she trying to
Steal them for a book or something like you did when you befriended the situation yeah like that oh no she doesn’t care about what you’re saying she just likes the sounds your mouth makes when you whisper and stuff they relax her she’s recording everything you do what Roger is crunching
Oh my God is that what I sound like when I eat pickles oh so nasy I thought I sounded more like Dwayne Vin Diesel The Rock Johnson ra we’re family crunch crunch Francine’s not listening to [Laughter] me I caught you red-handed hey man I paid for this toast Roger’s crunching
You only care about my noises what’s the big deal we’re hanging out and your noises relax me you want to relax listen to the crunch of me destroying your tapes no but no oh that’s nice well that’s all you’re getting you won’t get another sound out of me Roger I can just follow
You around and tape whatever I want oh you’re going to follow me huh bet you won’t follow me too CH Chernobyl Roger you can’t go to Chernobyl it’s dangerous well I I’d rather die there than be ignored here hey Mom heads up I hit a cyclist
With your car she’s not dead I put her in the trunk until I can come up with a plan just letting you know where I’ve been lately my Whispers where are my Whispers I mean my Whispers I could do them for you Francine you’re safe with
CLS no just stop you don’t have it yes I do I drove Roger away he left I drove him to the airport and then he left well you could go after him oh according to his insta he’s made it to Chernobyl oh no we’ve got to save him the radiation’s
Going to make him sick it’s already making him thirsty what the hell I’ll give him a little sip what the hell am I doing here was this stupid yes well we have to find Roger according to ask Jeeves we have 5 hours before the radiation turns us into
Walking talking tumors 5 hours till I turn into that fish from The Simpsons with three eyes do you watch The Simpsons friend scene it’s getting good and Jennifer’s current boyfriend is also a bartender at TGI Fridays so either she’s got a type or she can’t walk away from free Jack Daniel shrimping grits
That is fine but you have very little time to live the radiation has already eaten away your nose and ears well you look like a banana with a handle P you youve been Vladimir Putin in there what have you done you should be thanking me you were just breathing it in
Roger well look who it is the person I was wrong about how afraid they were of Chernobyl I thought I wouldn’t see you here Roger you look terrible you need to come home so you can have my Whispers at your disposal well you’re not going to like my Whispers
Anymore the radiation has made them more relaxing than ever wow I guess life is coming back to Chernobyl I’ve heard of a weeping willow but a sleeping Willow There’s only a few more songs left Steve’s going to be devastated when there’s no secret admirer did did we handle this wrong I have an idea hit me with it Barry maybe if we each got a pole in our head we’d have secret admirers like Steve okay I’m on my own
Here just got to break the news to him and I’ll work on finding polls Steve there’s nobody coming that love note you wrote it yourself oh and I probably don’t remember because I have a pole in my head you know about that I tied my bow tie can’t do that without a
Mirror so in a way I’m my own secret admirer you always have fin me may I have this dance yes me you May I got the PS look Barry’s doing a new dance I call it the Barry everybody do the Barry Barry Barry Barry do the Barry Barry he’s a fat kid who’s almost falling down lock the doors until everyone does the Barry how long were we out for we only have an
Hour before we die and we don’t have any idea where Roger is maybe he went that way but even if we find him he’ll just put us to sleep again H did you see the movie bird box it’s been on my watch list for like 6 months but I don’t
Actually want to watch it well what if instead of Sandra bulock not being able to see she couldn’t hear here oh that sounds so scary but like I said I haven’t seen it and I’m probably not going to we’re going to have to reach Roger without our most important
Sense I can’t hear where I’m going how did deaf people get anywhere what Francine where are you what the hell G stacked High animals this is horrible but now I’m getting used to it now it’s kind of cute what are you doing here I thought I told you to
Sleep wait why aren’t you asleep Roger we’ve got to go you’re going to die I don’t care you don’t belong here alone you wouldn’t even go to Soup Plantation by yourself you heard me come on you’re acting weirder than those Dolphins after they saw Ricky having sex with that guy in
SeaWorld oh my God you were listening to me the whole time well part of the time you talk a lot Roger I’m bound to pick up bits and pieces that’s so sweet of you remembering all that stuff about people I made up oh no we’ve got to get out of here
Clous is dying or maybe it’s too late for him but we have a little time because there’s a brunch place I’d like to try out although it might not be open lot of stuff closed after the um nuclear Unpleasantness I’m sorry I used you for your noises I know I’m supposed to be your best friend but I was isn’t acting like it well you did face your fear of death to come bring me home huh that’s true let’s celebrate our friendship by doing the berry berry berry berry do the berry
Berry he’s a fat kid who’s almost fallen down the berry the radiation is driving them insane I’m with you brother these people are nuts but I got your back I am your back hello Fore fore spee speech for speech spe spee spee speech foree for tell me for Fore fore spee speech spee speech tell for spee spee foree for speee speech spee speech sub so I bit him I didn’t know what else to do so I just bit him and I feel like
That was the right move because he never charged me for the guitar lesson okay on to other business we have an exciting new villain Anastasia Kirilenko Kirilenko that sounds Russian that’s right the Russians are doing [ __ ] again the Russians they did like this hey ho hey ho hey yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah ha that’s right Styles they do Jackson has painted a fresco on the ceiling detailing the mission now this is for you visual Learners and also for me because I got bananas high before this meeting Jackson We intercepted an order from Kirilenko’s IP address to the American Girl doll store where Keno’s
Daughter ordered a special oneof a kind kind doll the plan is to put a bug in the doll and ship it to the koleno compound we’ll finally be able to listen in on the Russian mob yeah we’ve coordinated with American Girl as we do on most missions and
They’re giving us access to the doll before it’s delivered we just need an agent to go to the mall me I’ll do anything to get out of work that’s what I like to hear pick up the doll bring it to work Monday morning I will be busy all weekend posing for my
Deputy director portrait who said you people could go Steve why are you hanging around this old Factory uh this is my high school dad you just met Mr Brink at my parent teacher conference I thought that was your Foreman no wonder he wouldn’t show me his jackhammer well punch out and
Let’s go to the mall were you just listening to the boy band I was in yeah they’ve been playing it a lot recently since some Psychopaths been murdering all the band members one by one I have been getting a lot more calls that are just heavy breathing lately I thought it was
Barry I’m sorry we have to go to this lame doll store these dolls are amazing did you know each American Girl doll has a rich historical backstory I don’t like where this is going this is coko she’s from Hawaii her Aloha Spirit kept her family together on that fateful December
Morning in 1941 when the bombs fell from the Lani that’s Hawaiian for Sky no [ __ ] Steve you’re a boy and boys don’t play with dolls how about Helena her family died of dissenter during the Civil War dad hasn’t Helena been through enough look at my foot it has been put
Down hi I’m Bob and this is my best friend Maisy oh the one of-a-kind Piper special edition you’re one lucky boy it’s not for him oh a fellow adult doll Enthusiast we should get together and play sometime from the creators of young Sheldon comes even younger Sheldon yuck
It’s just a fetus I get out of here through where uh no thank you okay I just had the tightest dinner with Jurgen we destroyed the chimdale Ruth’s Chris what gives clouse you never have any money it was joggen treat I did his taxes and got him a three figure
Refund I didn’t know you did taxes can you help me with mine sure you’re thinking standard or itemized deduction those are the exact types of questions I’m trying to avoid and that’s how I know Jackson is having a jazz party tonight can you believe he didn’t ski
Bop aop invite me uh-huh so Dr whitesman switched yours and Jeff’s consciousnesses yeah Mom this is me Haley the crazy thing is and this is for Coupes therapy can we get back to my babe I think I got your period I understand you now I just had to walk a mile in your
Tampon no one cares about my problems oh I forgot you were up there just like Jackson forgot to invite me to his Jazz party or maybe it was on purpose this is ridiculous I’m talking to a doll little dark in there now I see on Instagram Hooper is
Having a Bluegrass thing right now he wanted me to see it he tagged me I’m acting like a crazy person you can’t hear me through that box hi good morning USA Piper what you got there oh right you’re an orphan from the Depression era and you write poetry for
Scraps of food these are really good did you squiggle them yourself you know I wrote a poem once about ham but it didn’t go very well my friend fake humped me and then took the ham carving position I wanted has that ever happened to you with your poetry
Piper where’s your dad and then I saw another guy last week that was like 6’4 I don’t know if I’m just lucky or if it’s something about the store but I see really tall guys at Home Depot Smith where’s the doll oh oh my God I totally forgot I had it senior moment I I think the problem is that I don’t care about that amazing doll at all I’ll bring it in tomorrow sorry about the uh brain fart good fart noise
Smith so I told our joke it at work today and everybody left so you see these tax write offs that you’ve grouped together I spread them over two categories and saved you $15 $15 wow I’m going to have so much change to take to nipples and nickels the only
Strip club that let you tip in nickels by the way can I get that in nickels they don’t make change at nipples and nickels furthermore I’m recommending you to everyone I don’t know if I have time for any more clients Rider Dave tax question if I beat a man with a tire
Iron in the stadium parking lot is that dedu able I’ll have to look into it if it makes a difference he started it his wife and small children were wearing Broncos Jerseys in Denver no less that’s Raider country hey Steve agent Styles I know your dad’s been out sick for a week and
Clearly you’ve caught it whatever it is but I need to get something from him whoa you sound like [ __ ] I so treasure these talks with you Piper the world’s greatest treasure is found in the words of friendship wow Piper only you can make Smashmouth lyrics which I assume those were sound
So beautiful Stan Styles what are you doing in Paris okay uh what were we talking about sports cars right my favorite is Lamborghini it’s so fast what the hell is going on with you Stan okay let me explain like most flashbacks this one starts in the
Past after my dad left my mother had to raise me all on her own without a dad to guide me she was afraid I’d turn out too girly so she had very strict rules about what boys could play With I thought I told you to throw out that stupid doll but she’s my best friend look at my foot it has been put down so I guess that’s why I went a little overboard with all this I’ve been keeping this inside for way too long but
Now I’ve had a breakthrough I’m all better just like that I guess I’m just super healthy mentally here this doll needs to go to Russia you have a lovely home I guess I should tidy up oh H Piper left her jacket it’s over that was B12 now with only seven
Surviving members Piper needs her jacket you can’t be trusted with Piper you’re a terrible driver when I saw you’d left your jacket I realized you were sending me a message you didn’t want to go any more than I wanted you to leave it’s all true Stan Piper you’re the best doll friend I’ve
Ever had I Can’t Let You Go Now That I Found You Stan the CIA really wants me to go to Russia they’re probably going to come after me if I know the CIA they’ll be after me as well they’ll think this is all my idea they don’t know anything about friendship we need
To run yeah we’ll lie low for a few years then I’ll come back for Francine and rogu did you have any unusual expenses this year got a full penis tattoo a Dale Earnhart totally butchered it looks like Milhouse from The Simpsons I accidentally ejaculated on a Nagle
Painting and was forced to purchase it from the museum did you receive unreported tip income of $20 or more I have no need for a job I exchanged smoothies for used clothes I received a trampoline as a business gift from a prostitute I am deeply in love with did you make any
Contributions to a retirement plan no no no now no and roughly what was your income this year mama gives me a nickel if I don’t touch myself where were you the night of the sad Hawkins dance haunting Ricky Spanish sorry I couldn’t hear you over the stabbing how much did you say you
Donated to the Autobon Society $1,428 I’m going to buy you some sugar cereal but it’s only because we’re on vacation now we have some breaking news this just in from Langley Falls Virginia here’s a picture of the suspects who are still at large sorry that just went off by the
Way that was not me on the TV this is a normal doll and I’m a normal man now where do you keep your hair dye like for normal disguises well Stan you’ve done it again you’re most fishlyn It’s all worth it such a little angel did your friend not like her eggs what are you talking about she ate the whole thing let’s pay cash don’t want the CIA tracking my card you’re right no huge tips don’t want to end up a on the local news let
Me just do a quick Yelp review I found Stan and he’s driving West on 68 what the I have access to your memories oh she doesn’t like it in there she’s going to Russia Smith and there’s nothing you can do do about it putting the hose Down doll is lost what’s wrong Stan oh towel Swan I don’t know am I becoming unhinged what no you’re as hinged as a door bro you need to go find Piper but she’s halfway to Russia already this isn’t the St and I know this looks like a crybaby I’m not
A crybaby but I’m just one man I can’t go halfway to Russia all by myself I need a team don’t worry we’ll help you Stan we’ll help he friend shut up Piper’s missing sorry you guys are great don’t get me wrong but I need you to hang back here at headquarters while I put a team together to get her wait say that again get a team together to to get Her I need you for a job and word is you’ve got the resume I’m looking for Special Forces Black Ops 67 confirmed kills I left that life behind then I guess I’ll have to save Piper by myself Piper’s in trouble well why the hell didn’t you say so what took you so Long I’m in Baby we’ll bring the Sweet that’ll be $6,000 hi I need eight tickets to Moscow first class ooh we only have seven first class seats Available there now that I framed my post up this finally feels like the grown-ups alve I should have a dinner party clouse Heisler you’re in big trouble what what’s this about mayard Butterbean IRS auditor you’ve been convicted of filing 147 fraudulent tax returns convicted don’t don’t I get a
Trial a trial this isn’t TV bro you’re going to jail I’ll admit I took a few Liberties but everyone does it this isn’t cocaine sir not everyone does this we’re seizing all your assets assets I don’t have any no I spent $700 at Aaron Brothers getting that framed hit him with the tasers
Boys Roger you jerk are you busy Saturday I’m having a little dinner party I’ll be There there’s no dying in baseball Emma you’re in a league of your own how are we going to get past them me and Debbie can handle those coldblooded Russians hey boys You’re A Miracle on Ice sh bad timing on that squeaky fart you’re a dead man Americans uh I think
My friend Madison might have something to say about that oh yeah I’m coming to get you your American car is no match for our Russian wall wow I thought Russians were supposed to be Tough damn it I brought seven dolls but only two bullets you’re all out of bullets all out of dolls and all out of luck that’s where you’re wrong I don’t need luck because I have my get a my Russians be tripping Piper where are you Zoya koleno Anastasia’s daughter oh
Piper I have had such a tough day what’s that oh thank you you always know just what to say here you are I thought I told you to throw out that stupid doll but mother you’ll run this organization when I’m gone but you’ll never be a leader of men
If you play with dlls I can do both look at my foot it has been put down where were you when I farted you came back for me of course I did I can tell by the look on your face something’s wrong according to the American Girl feelings book you’re
Concerned about something like speaking up in class or saying saying hi to the new girl what is it Stan Piper you filled a hole in my life that my wife children SUV and alien never could oh that’s so sweet but I can tell there’s something you’re not saying I’ve
Realized there’s someone who needs you more than I do Piper you’re back treat her well thank you I will she’s got a milk allergy so she only drinks Diet Sprite and she can’t sleep without her Blake Griffin plushy yeah I know it’s on her box bye Piper goodbye Stan oh I’m not crazy anymore she’s all yours but what about my mother she said oh I wouldn’t worry about your mother anymore imagine a mother who wouldn’t let her child play with dolls Good thing there’s not more than one way to mess up a Kid you did it Smith I know Piper has a great new home with a girl that loves her just as much as I did no I mean getting the bug back in the house and taking out koleno now when the daughter takes over the organization will’ll know that every move we’re getting
Something can I tell you a secret Piper I believe in mermaids this is great Intel Smith Steve Steve I got you the American Girl doll you’ve always wanted oh Dad it’s okay I’m I’m not really into that anymore son I’ve realized I was wrong when I told you boys couldn’t play with dolls so play away and put on this lipstick okay you’re a good dad Stan That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks bricks might be hard but growing up is harder like a super hard brick thank you what’s wrong with me I should have put bricks in my story clouse relax your story has nothing to do with bricks it’s
About a brick layer it is next on stage CLA [Applause] Heisler when I was 10 all I wanted to be was a wall building guy like my grandpa he would stack these you know they go on each other but never right on top they’d be like this
And this and then here and here why are you telling stories this is a storytelling event are you Mother Goose okay I’m going to continue continue boring everyone no one’s bored I’m actually pretty bored then get the out sir the bathrooms are located in the back why are you taking a dump on
Stage not B anymore nothing but junk mail letter from Francine’s mom biopsy results cease and assist oh it came it came it came Francine a reply from the Bazooka sharks don’t move I’m heading your way what’s this now your father and I wrote a letter to puka shark’s management outlining our concerns and
Suggestions for the future of the franchise okay moment of truth I love you baby dear sharks fans thank you for your your interest in the team hell yeah great start we appreciate your passion and continued support and hope for a better result next season go on that’s that’s
It are you guys okay I know you can go a little cuckoo over your beloved sharks okay good just checking good morning everybody well look who it is Mother Goose get your Coco and blankies everyone it’s story time oh my blankie in the dryer oh you want the story
Here’s one it’s about an insignificant gray douchebag who ruins his friend’s storytelling event roommates storytelling event face it Roger you’re just a hater you have no real talent sure you know how to tear down but you can’t create ah I can create my personas masks costumes wow you don’t
Have the balls to put yourself out there like me to risk ridicule contributing something meaningful to the world this is a brutal takeown deep down you are a coward fu that’s not guys room for one more this letter sucked it didn’t address a single one of our points and
We had a lot of good ones it’s like they’re obsessed with the forward pass why it’s so risky whatever happened to establishing the run to Smashmouth football to ground and pound baby I’ll tell you what happened analytics Moneyball nerds we don’t need egg heads we need
Leather heads Stan I know that my queen but the bean counters run in the show don’t well maybe we need to make them understand ground and pound them oh yeah let’s smash them yeah kill them no smash their Corporate Offices okay how my friend Nerf’s got an armor plated bulldozer oh [Applause] Yeah it’s been a while since we’ve done this clous watch TV together in total silence it’s nice clouse about yesterday no let me go first you were a huge dick at my reading but I was very hard on you it’s okay no no please I owe you an
Apology but I’m only going to give you the apologetic tone because I’m not sorry thank you for the tone it’s more than I deserve I thought about it and you were right you have the courage to put yourself out there in a way I never do here what is it it’s me putting
Myself out there just open it God it’s beautiful Steve look it is good but is it better than being quiet and watching TV I don’t know what’s good my man oh say where can we find the corporate offices do you want to do something bad to them with your kild Dozer one
Second no in that case here’s the address their offices are in South Dakota o that’s a schp big time you want to call off the Rampage Does this answer your question killo at Rampage still on [Applause] Yeah Roger in the back through my secret door wow what is this place in the’ 40s it was a button factory now my art studio Studio you made this I had no idea you’re an artist I don’t know about artist I’m I’m just dabbling goofing really goofing it’s incredible the
Weathered gills the pain in the eyes it’s a window to my soul pH that’s what I was going for is that a painting of me they’re all you k clouse you are my muse oh [ __ ] family announcement what is everyone I don’t know something about establishing the Run what’s up Rogerson artist and
I’m his Muse oh mazov well the important thing is the world needs to see your art you’re doing a gallery opening H as if who’d be interested in my silly little scribbles probably no one I sold all my art a toast to everyone who made my first
Gallery opening a success of course hovc beautiful hovc for providing such a dynamic space Carl a man I met just moments ago um hello aren’t you going to mention your Muse clous zip it go back to the Muse table um there’s no Muse table what but artists need to qua wine
And belly laugh together far from the D of their simpering Muses have one set up me just get it done look at him sucking the marrow out of life and I’m sitting here like a schmuck why would he treat me like this oh listen to you isn’t it enough to be a
Part of something artistic something meaningful wow you’re right I should be thanking Roger why am I hearing the Muse table I’m trying to tell a ryal anecdote over here sorry now how far did I get we got the priest we got the urinating up and
Down the B back we got my great joke christening more like pissening maybe that’s it maybe that’s the whole thing another home run story in the books we are rampaging haey toss me another 5-Hour Energy my rage is dipping maybe it would help if I read the letter again yes wait
Idea dear sharks fans those [ __ ] we must rise and attack the day my friend the world wants our art you’re the dumbest person of all time what we sold every painting and now I have to come up with new paintings uh Earth to tortured artist it’s your Muse talking
Ready to inspire but not ready to cook me breakfast apparently I have access to fig newon fig newtons are good I forget that sometimes well you have a lot on your mind oh not really but let’s work sorry I just need a sec hold that pose though it’s perfect what the Hell had to run out and get some more Newton BRB do not move H the life of a muse this is ridiculous what do you think of this dance okay the salad roer what the hell are you doing here what am I doing here you
Kept me in that damn chair for 6 hours paramor take five while I deal with this guy this guy I’m your Muse your inspiration and what do you do you abuse me treat me like a dog we were supposed to work damn it is this what you want
Clous is this what you want it is what I want that’s why I just gave you all the money stop yelling at me uh sorry that’s my fault I made him mad back at the Beast roll forget about the Beast Strow let’s take a beach stroll maybe have a beef
Stro that’s what I call beef strogen off see go magestic birds not the most majestic though class I wasn’t suggesting it’s fine it’s fine just just be careful each a strog you changed my life Roger and you mind clouse your brutal takedown was the nudge I needed to finally put myself out
There your paintings they move people our paintings thank you I’m finally a part of something meaningful you saw the real me that I did do I guess I feel a little less lonely on this big orb they call Earth who calls it that everyone huh I call it GA but I’m a
Special person and artist I was hoping we could also talk process I was thinking maybe there’s a way for me to feel less like [ __ ] at the end of every day there is and that’s actually why I brought you out here to tell you you’re fired you’re fired what
Why let’s go alphabetically A is for Albatross you are an albatross around my neck B is for bore you bore me that’s an easy one p for puke inducing Q for quick to make me barf R for Rascal well that’s that’s the one thing I do like about you you’re kind of a
Rascal you fired clouse yeah but not for reals just to break his heart it’s all part of my process your process yeah I torture clouse crush his spirit and then pain his sad face rince repeat how long have you been doing this oh gosh years probably since day one yeah you’ve been
Torturing me ruining my life for paintings and sculpture and mixed media stop motions on the horizon perhaps a line of Puppets why would you do this for my art dummy it comes only from pain your pain I can’t take this anymore I hope I never see you again wait close
Yes wow that’s going to make an amazing Puppet look no one’s saying me or my work has suffered from not having a muse but the times they are a change in Oswaldo and they require an experienced Muse I have never done this before go ahead and get naked Oswaldo right here in coffee bean it’s fine I’m an
Artist unfortunately I won’t be able to pay you to start business is slow you can thank my old Muse for that what did he do ruin my art destroyed my life toxic guy Oswaldo my only soless is knowing wherever he is now he’s miserable too let’s go people get them while they’re
Hot glutenfree for my lady and chocolate chip for my man Brandon in the house yes where did you even come from clouse Heisler hey when I get home we’re going to tackle that algebra deal deal how we looking on that Tusc and Grilled Chicken Chenise it’s close boss love it
Are we having fun yes and remember it’s only paninis Mother Goose roer what are you doing here me what about you I work here at Panera brid I’m actually the manager still pursuing your storytelling nah between work and Denise and Brandon I don’t have time whoa Denise and Brandon
Who am I talking to Ward Cleaver right all I need now is a bassat town to bring me my slippers too funny so what are you up to these days uh still doing my art thing so that’s been good really jamming on that also doing a lot more heroin than
When we were working together which has been nice well I better get back in there yeah no I should do this heroin it was good bumping into you for sure yeah hey uh if you ever get that Muse itch swing by the studio yeah I probably won’t be
By probably best I don’t I don’t want the studio to smell like a Panera have a good life Roger having one my dude oh it’s spaghetti night and the feelings right oh it’s spaghetti night oh what a night clouse I need you back is this your friend from the dumpster
Braa Denise you’ve got got it all figured out don’t you well did you know I was going to bring this plastic sword I’m calling the police Pastor Mike did say to look for opportunities to Bear witness Roger why don’t you join us oh I bet youd like that you just love to see
Me choke on Denise’s shitty meatballs this guy hates me not true I want to thank you you set me free oh free to get your balls cut off by Denise here I’m aware of you Denise just as you are of me my whole life I thought I was a
Miserable guy worse I thought I brought it all on myself turns out it was you what’s your point asop asop tells fables Denise I never had a chance to be happy you were sabotaging me can we just cut the bull and get back to work clouse don’t you see I’m finally happy what
About meaning this guy is so horny for meaning I found meaning with these two wackadoos and all the lives I touch at Panera enough I can’t stand to look at you one second more so with my dignity intact I will now take my leave forever
Oh god oh no oh I’m doing both kinds of bathroom Denise what kind of flooring we dealing with if it’s lenium bring the hose in here in the meantime gather anything absorbent beach towels bath towels shop Rags oh if you have a shop sawdust would be a godsend that’s
Perfect world I could make cotton balls work now we do need someone to take the lead on ventilation opening doors windows Gathering fans I can do that wow Brandon way to step up everybody look at Brandon there it is raming speed the sharks won the Mega Bowl yeah
Hey you’re Stan Smith uh may maybe not you’re famous here we took another look at your letter and realized you were right Smashmouth football was the key to our undefeated season you listen to us so Rampage over but no Rampage but kildo need to eat well I’ll leave you to it then go
Sharks go sharks wow honey check out Roger you were skeptical when he reached out but he looks like a new man thank you all for coming first I’d like to give a shout out to my sponsor Mark 30 days sober thanks to that amazing human I’d also like to acknowledge
Clouse Heisler over there clouse was my muse but I heard him I thought great art came only from pain but beauty isn’t born from misery alone there’s also the Wellspring of joy you taught me that clouse you continue to inspire me thank you and now art fa your eyes on my greatest
Masterpiece spaghetti night woof this one’s a dog oh wow spaghetti night pretty awesome right the eyes they’re dead they’re meatballs I think it’s cool because it’s a statue of you Dad you’re an imbecile Brandon Cloud there’s no depth no paos it sucks I’m not this corny ass Mr Rogers uh-oh
That’s a quarter for the swear jar clouse here’s 50 cents go buy some new tits excuse me you did this to me we’re finished Brandon why did you even bring a football it’s an art gallery I hate you I hate you I hate myself there he is there’s the clous I
Know and love I knew the misery was still inside you you obviously didn’t know when you squeezed out this turd oh didn’t I it’s me the real me thank you Roger I am your Muse now and forever yes we’re back old friend but about that we’re not back I’ve given up art to follow my true passion doing heroin we’re back old Friend Denise uh she had it out dad this was a great idea well it would have been a shame making the Thousand Mile journey home without rampaging something please K Dozer please why then again why not
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