Sarah Luger Mark [ __ ] maznik twill anen bone it’s just you where is everybody they said they wanted to come but they couldn’t because they didn’t want to come where were you this was a really big deal for me I got a master’s in archaeology from Georgetown you didn’t
Even go to school there yeah you transferred all your credits from a fake school in Nairobi where you’re also the dean and his arch nemesis fraternity prankster Mahmood thick booty so so you don’t really have a degree in archaeology you’re a fraud how can you say that to someone the world has
Recognized in so many ways I have an Oscar that’s Cuba Goodings Oscar you just bought it on eBay nuh-uh I bought it and left feedback not enough people do what Stan’s saying is that an Oscar like a degree is an achievement people work really hard for Mr Gooding was
Awarded that for his excellence in acting sure he made some bad choices after the film show me the money but that Oscar is his and not yours and nothing you do in your miserable life will ever come close to what he did I heard shouting is everything okay there are you happy
Now did you have to be so hard on him he was pretending to be the recipient of the h highest honor awarded in the world of acting I know but it’s just it’s just what Francine he was making out like he won an Oscar you’re right it’s an Oscar for God’s
Sake why doesn’t anyone like my Awards well sweetheart because you didn’t earn them like this one you’re supposed to get this for being good at bowling are you good at bowling bowling’s gross so this is just a hunk of plastic all this stuff is I’m sorry Roger but you’re
Taking praise for things you haven’t earned but I could earn things I could work hard if I wanted I know you’ve got great stuff in there you just have to apply yourself you believe in me oh my God you can do that yeah when I’m really
Happy ew yeah it’s made out of pee peee hey Dad so Dad Mr Brink gave us an assignment we’re supposed to interview our dads it’s supposed to show us that history can come from anywhere what I’m just supposed to ask some background questions you know about your life like where were you born
That’s getting awfully personal what but but how am I going to do my assignment maybe you don’t do this one it’s High School Steve it doesn’t matter you said that about Middle School when it start to matter Never check it out guys I’m training for the Langley Falls Marathon waa that’s a big deal running a marathon you’re not running any marathon am too Francine explained how when you work for something it’s more valuable if I finish this Marathon I earn a medal you’re a
Fatso and you couldn’t run four blocks Stan what it’s true his legs are shorter than his feet Roger don’t listen listen to him let your actions speak for themselves like when you get drunk tonight and eat all the fruit leather which you claim to hate I do hate it
Where is it not for you you’re in training and I’m going to help [Applause] you welcome to the Limit take it maybe One Step more power game still playing so you better win It I’m going to fail this assignment cuz my dad won’t open up I’m going to fail cuz my dad went to Home Depot 5 years ago and never came back look Steve a lot of people feel more comfortable talking about personal things when it’s not face
To face maybe you should try calling you dad I guess it’s worth a shot hello hey Dad what what you up to eating lunch I just needed a break from work you know lately I’ve been thinking about all the people I’ve had to kill God the first five 10 times you take a
Life it’s Eerie you remember every detail I can see all their faces one had a beard each time I pulled the trigger I tied a a little knot in my memory that no amount of whiskey could loosen of course eventually I stopped caring now I can put a bullet through a man’s head
While figuring out how much KFC to pick up on my way home it’s usually no more than a bucket the sick part is I’ve come to love it snuffing out lives I crave it I feel like an angel of death the messenger of Eternal Darkness a merciless demon with an unquenchable oh
They just put more orange chicken in the buffet got to run remember the goal is to finish ha I’m going to win this thing everybody looks so slow on your marks get set oh my God are you okay I turned my ankle but I can run it
Off Roger stop you’re hurt why’ this happen to me I actually tried this time oh honey is there anything I can do to make you feel better you know I was going to give you this after the race but here what’s this for you won a Franny
It’s because you worked really hard and that’s all that matters wow wow I love it hey could you pull over for a sec I did it oh my God what a gorgeous Trophy and flowers wait I can’t hold everything I’m going to have my friend hold my cone
You did it yay we love you Roger your butt looks so great in those shorts I could never get away with those not since the baby you didn’t win the marathon are you sure cuz everyone else thinks I did what do you think I think my trophy
Is a c’s magnet and this photo won’t scare off any Wang either I don’t know why you did this you worked so hard to get ready I mean you weren’t going to win but you would have finished that would have been a real achievement actually I wouldn’t have finished you
See I never went running after breakfast what then what were you doing well I’d start with one of Francine’s gigantic breakfasts and then I’d leave the house and Jog to the corner there I’d have a cigarette two if I ran into that looker Ronda with the natural lwh hangers then
I’d head down the street to where that house is getting a second floor pop into one of the porta potties for the construction workers and try to pass my enormous breakfast that was always a struggle my my only real exercise of the day and i’ usually fall asleep on the
Pot those crappers heat up big time in the Sun so when I woke up a couple hours later I’d be drenched in sweat half the time I’d PED in my sleep I can’t believe I wasted all that effort on you for nothing well I did win the marathon so you didn’t win the
Marathon you keep saying that but my new Mazda Miata says otherwise oh so Lake Roger I’m done with you no more praise no more support you don’t deserve it in fact I’m taking back my Franny how could you I worked for that no you didn’t but I want it what are you going
To do with it I don’t know maybe I’ll give it to Steve Steve you hate Steve you always say you hate him I never said that then why is a tattooed on your butt oh that’s ridiculous he’s just lashing out because I took his Franny back no
It’s right here on her butt I hate Steve he’s just joshing right Ma look there’s nothing there oh God Mom you be a your son uh the bus is here get out of here snot Franny let’s go I need you to take a picture of me and the Miata from my
Trophy case I told you I was done Roger oh we’re really doing this huh fine I don’t need you in my life I don’t need Francine or her stupid award I’ll take my own celebratory picture ah oh what the hey knock knock here’s the guy who maybe needs his friend more than he
Admitted what happened to you a guy punched me in my face but that probably makes you happy because you hate me so much I don’t hate you I’m just done investing my time in you I’m done being the sucker Roger you’re lazy and a cheat
And I’m done no I need you I’m I’m sorry look I I won’t be lazy I’ll do something real I promise your word is as worthless as your diploma is that what this is about the diploma well what if I go earn it what if I become the best damn archaeologist
This town’s ever seen then you’ll have to give me my Franny back sounds great Roger knock yourself out you’ll see hey is that my underwear in there I told you never to wash my underwear great now I got to start all over again I can’t turn this in it’s all about my
Dad killing people call your dad again and get him to talk about something else hello hey Dad Son glad you called I was kind of buming thinking about your mom what why I feel our love making has lost all its intimacy we’re not attuned to Each Other’s Love energies we’re just
Slamming away Dad I’m here with the guys on speaker phone hey guys yeah love making sure can turn into sex without you even noticing it and why not sex with your mom feels great it’s easy to think maybe that is love and then there’s the performer in me always
Trying to get your mom turned on I pull her hair choke her lightly or not so lightly Dad when you were my age what was the cost of a loaf of bread the focus becomes how hot she gets how many times I can make her shudder with pleasure all right this is
Enough dad what do mom’s boobs look like I’ll tell you snot they’re perfect creamy twins with faint blue veins running over them like cooling streams I can wash my face in it’s 5 in the morning what are you doing why I’m getting ready to go to the
Dig site come on Roger what are you really doing well why don’t I show you 2 million years ago a glacier cut through this Valley the river used to flow east to west that’s why I knew we had to start South where an ancient tribe would have a fresh water source
How do you know all this well hell Francine I’m an archaeologist why do you keep leaning in when I say step Roger this is amazing yeah well not so amazing we haven’t turned up anything yet you you did all this well me and Jabari Jabari show Francine how you wear your shirt sometimes
That’s how he wears it sometimes hello what do we have here what is it if this is what I think it is I should be able to do this WOW Roger you really found something look out [Applause] boss Oh my God Roger I think you found a lost tribe edn Bria they’re speaking sadab the language of an indigenous tribe that lived in these mountains thousands of years ago Roger all your hard work is paid off you’ve made one of the greatest discoveries of all time sty trap St CH
Looks like they want to welcome us with a traditional celebration I am so proud of you you finally did something real well she bought it hey don’t break character hey I saw you on CSI last week oh yeah you ruined the episode I can’t believe you discovered a
Lost tribe you know before you brought me here I thought all this archaeology stuff was just another one of your scam I was ready to write you off for good well good thing you’re going to give me my Franny back instead huh well I should say so hey looks like something’s about to
Happen I think he wants us to join them no I’m pretty sure they only want me down there oh boy I hope I don’t embarrass myself who knows if I can even keep up 2 three 4 sit down Franny this isn’t about You big finish guys bring it home Host this doogy Houser all right woo let’s head home what no we need to stay and study these people this is all so fascinating and that’s why my dad didn’t go to his dad’s funeral and why I won go to my dad’s
Funeral Steve you’re up yeah uh see my dad wasn’t really willing to answer the questions sounds like a whole lot of nonsense Steve you know what I think I think you’re just trying to get out of this assignment oh is that what you think okay Mr Brink here we
Go hello hey Dad I’m calling from my history class so who was president when you were a kid oh I don’t know I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently and why not what’s so great about a living you know when I’m happy for about 5 Seconds in the morning when
I first wake up before I remember who I am and what my life is all about anxiety disappointment diarrhea more often than not I don’t I don’t know if there’s an afterlife but who cares nothingness couldn’t be any worse than this meaningless March through my empty days see Mr
Brink Mr Brink he’s right it’s pointless life dismissed this was supposed to last 3 hours we only rehearsed the dance number and the feast we’re out of material hey you guys all had improv on your resumés is this your drinking water um goooo Gaga look people want to go home they
Have families I know Hannah’s son has a fever it’s bad he’s throwing up right now at home home with a 14-year-old babysitter oh jeez Hannah why why why don’t you just leave because I drove with Gary so Gary can go too screw it take Gary Gary doesn’t want to
Leave I I don’t know what to tell you Hannah all right all right how about this I’ll do something that makes the tribe mad and you guys chase us out of here staying was a really cool idea Francine and I’ve learned so much like for instance there a chachki BAS culture
They think these things hold the spirits of their ancestors oh god oh no oh if this thing breaks there’s going to be trouble take M Run shoot must have taken a wrong turn um um this way a a we’re going to make it no no way oh my God no what’s going on we’re actors you just killed Cuba Gooding Jr show me the heaven what the hell is going on fine I staged everything okay this isn’t a
Tribe these are all actors and actresses actually we prefer to be called actors now as well shut up Hannah so this was all a setup but how how did you do all this well it started with the casting Ryan crewell I’m with preferred artists take off your shirt and throw it to
Me it’s disgusting you got the part then it was on to the choreography no no no no eyes on me one and two and kick and tush and kick and push and finger finger finger finger finger and then I had to find my young boy assistant but why did you do all this
Because I wanted my Franny back so what I think means that much to you yeah but now you just think I’m a big lazy Faker again lazy Roger I’ve never seen anyone work so hard on anything in my entire life you mean I impressed you you and
How I wish Stan was here to see this Hey where’s my Oscar this belongs to you one last time cgj show me the money you will be missed your daughter is gorgeous bone structure this is such an interesting piece boner structure reminder there’s sponge cake
And or cheeses in the piano room o that sounds delightful okay I’ve got a good joke what’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot uh that’s just the set shut up honey a man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball because it’s more important to find
A golf ball than to please our wives H looks like the healthc care bill is mired in the Senate again God they come on I don’t think our Health Care system can be reformed oh really why not uhhuh uhhuh what you caught me I have no idea I just say stuff
Sometimes look everyone her dress is see through How come every time we go to a party you push me in the pool everyone’s always afraid to be the first one in the pool you’re that girl you’re the party starter my purse tampons were floating in the water people were impressed by
How big they got Francine embarrassed you again huh clous she’s terrible in social situations she doesn’t know when to laugh at jokes she talks about things she doesn’t know about you know Stan she’s the the reason you never get invited to fancy events like cocktail parties exactly bulock always has
Dignitaries and heads of state there like I bet if I was married to Helen mirin we’d get invited she’d wear her silver Mane up showing off that sophisticated neck a Bobby PID would fall out and a rebellious lock would Cascade down I’d get in real close and Whisper you have a loose hair
Hellcat dudes Vince Chong is throwing a bonfire beneath the water tower tomorrow night and get this anyone can come as long as they bring booze or girls my sister’s a girl yeah but they have to be prettier than ly sobeski then we shall gain our entry
With booze a kid from Hebrew school told me about a guy named Warren who hangs out in the alley behind liquor time and buys kids beer excellent we’ll go after school so you’re still doing that whole Hebrew thing huh yes Steve it’s who I am it’s everything to
Me this is interesting Francine Congress is in session now in so if we’re at a party say and someone asks whether it’s in or not you’ll know that it is In oh and look at this it says energy drinks for women are the hottest thing in a cool pink can what am I doing I’m reading an ad knock knock sorry to interrup hi Libby I just got a call my father’s coming into town and we be staying with
Us for a few days oh that sounds nice yeah yeah should be great fun oh also he doesn’t know I’m gay so if I could keep a few things over here while he’s in town that would be great our Maple Thor Prince our baby this new drawing I did
Of Bert Reynolds it’s unfinished don’t finish it Terry this is insane okay the kitchen door entrance is supposed to be just family we’ve been together for 9 years we have a baby you have to tell your father you don’t understand okay okay you don’t know what it’s like being
The son of tank baits wait tank Bates is your father the All Pro fullback for the Washington Redskins tank baits yes that’s why he’s coming into town they’re retiring his jersey fisan pitches out to Bates Bates comes around the end the offensive line clears a hole he leaps
Over the top and he’s short he’s stopped at the one yd line oh it’s okay they scored on the next play quarterback sneak football catch the fever Terry Greg is right you don’t want Libby to grow thinking being gay is something to be ashamed of do you
As her godmother I’ll be there to support you all the way you know what you’re right it’s time I tell my father the truth hey you mind if I come over and toss the old pig skin around with your dad before you tell him you’re a banana
Crammer he probably won’t feel like it after I don’t see him just some kids we all see the kids Steve God there he Is excuse me are you Warren help you boys get loaded you’re the guy who buys booze for kids sure it’s a great way to make money that’s how I bought my boom box that’s how I bought my dog Pepper and that’s how I bought this folding
Chair that turns into a backpack I put it on and I’m completely mobile great we’d like liquor please all right be right back if some little girl with a bruise on her she comes by and says this is her dog it is pepper is stolen Terry don’t worry it’ll be
Fine oh God oh God oh God oh God sweetie you can do this hey there kid hi Dad he’s so big sorry I’m late traffic was Dad I have something to tell you and if I don’t do it right now I might never be able to
All right what is it you see I I’m this is my girlfriend Francine and we had this baby out of wedlock and I didn’t tell you because I knew you wouldn’t approve and who are they oh that’s Stan and Greg the homos from across the street morning Greg how’ you sleep
Terrible is that the first couch ever made uh I can’t believe Terry that is my house and my partner and my baby and here I am living out of an overnight bag in a tear down across the street good morning Mr Bates morning you know I was just wondering what the hell
This is oh it’s Terry’s he our sex last night was so satisfying when I entered you that was divine Terry I’ve slept on it and I’ve decided I can accept this even though you had this baby out of wedlock I know you’ll do the right thing and get
Married yes of course we will finally make an honest woman out of me her out of her Francine you need to come home Greg won’t stop being snarky please be patient Stan Terry said he’ll tell his father he’s just waiting for the right moment oh look at him he’s just going to
Float away float away like a fairy look at carrying those heavy trash cans like a girl he probably wishes that rock was a big naked man yeah whistle a show tune you drag queen what a day where’s dinner at the store I don’t cook Stan we’ll just have
To go out to dinner but it’s a weekday that’s once in a while on weekends talk straight women don’t ask for much do they they really don’t just use coasters now and again and don’t whiz in the shower on her birthday have you seen
Steve I want to see his face when I tell him the [ __ ] who acted inside of R2-D2 died love it love everything about it but he’s out at a party I bought him so much beer Roger you can’t buy beer for Steve he’s only 14 maybe I didn’t make
Myself clear I did it for $12 profit director Bullock Smith hi Greg Corbin stance neighbor from Action News of course you and your partner Terry are great I had several gay experiences when I was in boarding school nothing too big just some boyish night poundings what a coincidence that’s my
Favorite vintage would you like to join us for a glass director bulock I suppose I could stay for one glass and Heisenberg’s wife was unhappy because when her husband had the time he didn’t have the energy and when he had the position he didn’t have the momentum
See because of his wife I don’t even know you know s this is very last minute but I’m having a small cocktail party tomorrow night would you and Greg care to come say it loud and there’s music playing say it’s soft and it’s almost like praying Maria I’ll never stop saying Mar excellent way to express Joy see you both tomorrow night then I finally got invited to a bulock party I’m in the big leagues now my Helen mirin My Little Queen hi Francine I’m just calling to tell you this will all be over soon I locked Terry and tank in the den they’re
Not going anywhere until Terry tells him the truth I got to go here’s my credit card put $30 on it that’s what I feel like I owe Terry I hope you’re talking to your father in there talking to me about what uh well I I need to tell you something
Dan what are you doing what’s going on what’s been said not much Terry’s crazy broad locked us in here it was pretty quiet until I flipped a skinx yep just Father and Son sitting around and watching a guy plow a girl girl you only like this 50% huh fairy I like this
100% see what he’s like Francine I appreciate you trying but I am never telling him I don’t know what I was thinking thank God Stan burst in when he did why did you do that do what test the axe that could save our lives in a fire
Oh I don’t know maybe cuz I care a whole hell of a lot I mean I try so hard and you try so little and I I just I I don’t know you’re prettier than all your sisters Roger Steve could be dead he could be what up you you stupid
Ass well hello potty mouth so I guess the party was pretty good then awesome I made out with a girl I met at this place I went to after to get some late night zah and da zah and pizza and soda when you’re drunk you don’t have time for the
Beginning of words all you care about is oud and unan you’re fun hammered I swear that’s the first time you’ve genuinely made me laugh you guys want to meet her come on in [Applause] baby he’s so heinous what have I done oh Haley you were right miners should never drink alcohol I see that now eat my mouth I will make up for what I have done if it takes the rest of my life oh oh still wet still wet you don’t have
Toenails hello I’m Roger I like to pretend come on your book was so inspiring Mr Mandela it made me want to become a journalist I am so happy it spoke to you I don’t know what book he’s talking about but I love your movies especially the bucket listo it got me
It got me uh Stan I think you’re mistaken aren’t you Morgan Freeman this is Nelson Mandela why did you think I was calling him Mr Mandela I thought it was one of Freeman’s many nicknames like Captain Morgan or freckles hey freckles you want to hear a joke do they have
Jokes in your country or is it just sadness all the time are you sad right now hey he pushed me in the pool oh my God I’m his Francine drink to D your shame oh piggy wants two drinks drink it piggy does it taste good
Pig yes I am hey you hey plus one you remember remember me the person you came here with who’s the old guy Stan Smith this is Ellie wazelle a Nobel winning author of night and founder of you’re a son of a [ __ ] you know that Stan please
No no you’re are embarrassed of me admit it don’t touch me don’t ever touch me Stan you’re making a scene that it’s not a scene you you want you want a scene here’s your scene hope you can swim weasel it’s visel and yes I can well you don’t have to worry about
Me embarrassing you ever again where’s my wife Francine I need you to come home right now Greg was mean to me what are you talking about Froot Loop she’s Terry’s girlfriend no she’s not she’s my wife Greg is Terry’s boyfriend what Terry and Greg are in love your son is
Gay see that’s not how a straight guy faints this is how a straight guy faints where where am I what happened you out did Terry to his father then passed out woke up puked and stumbled into the bushes my dad’s upstairs packing he didn’t say a word he just
Looked at me like he was envisioning all the guys I ever had sex with every late night massage every back alley zipper fight every Frasier cast party every Honda test drive with Daryl Terry everybody calm down I’ll talk to tank I know what he’s feeling I used to think
Like him scared of the intimate man dance and there’s always an underlying reason for this kind of kind of thing you just have to figure out what it is I’m sorry I told you your son was gay but deep down you must have known so
This is a good thing nope I had no idea this is terrible but while you think it’s terrible you’re still glad your son’s happy Noe although while you don’t care about your son’s feelings you realize that your Prejudice is based in ignorance no I understand it I just
Don’t like it however while you may understand it and not like it you’re sad that your son was was unhappy and kept this secret from you for so long no I’m happy I didn’t know I wish I’d never known be that as it may you think it’s a
Choice and you didn’t realize that people are born that way no I know it’s not a choice and it still sickens me Francine you want to jump in here anytime sweetheart dad please nope I’m going to a hotel until my jersey retirement ceremony you are no longer welcome he’s fine he’s probably just
Wondering how two guys can do it he’ll calm down when I explain it’s like cramming together two puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit shut up Stan you’ve done enough they’re fine no I can’t believe you she’s fine I just need to figure out the reason for Tank’s hatred I got it I know
Why tank is reacting this way I’m sorry are are you talking to me what oh no I was just having an out loud realization would you like me to fill you in on what it was no thanks I have a lot of stuff going on in my own life right
Now what’s he got going on that’s so important and my Megan she would have been 19 years old today thank you Mrs holiday your last name is very misleading given your tragic circumstances and now our last speaker from Mad Warren beanock [Applause] wow I recognize a lot of faces here
Today I’ve bought alcohol for many of you but no more I’ve changed my ways I Now understand what a terrible epidemic underage drinking is 67% of young people who drink before the age of 15 will try an illicit drug last year 21% of underage drivers killed in accidents were
Intoxicated and 96 % of you will wind up making out with a girl of this caliber [Applause] why Roger I can’t believe you did this to me ah you’ll feel better after a few beers come on let’s go get drunk you’re driving today we retire the jersey of a
Heck of a guy and a hell of a football player player it’s an honor to be here with tank Bates allpro fullback for the Washington [Applause] Redskins in his rookie season tank rushed for over a thousand tank baits is a homosexual tank baates is a homosexual tank baates is a
Homosexual this is your plan to reunite me and my father yeah it totally makes sense but my dad’s not gay yes he is that’s why he can’t accept you because he can’t accept himself like Kevin spy in kex I’m not gay you see how scared he is
Of being judged come on people show your support I am not gay it’s true he’s a notorious womanizer he slept with all the cheerleaders the coach’s daughter and you’re going to love this my wife last week shattered our family and here I am shaking his hand I’m an
Embarrassment but I need to work I mean what am I supposed to do okay fine but if 50,000 people were willing to accept you when they thought you were gay don’t you think you should give your own son a Chance no you think I care what these drunken slobs think they’ll cheer for anything watch I just had a beer fart Dad I’m sorry to do this here but I’m gay that’s who I am and this is who I’m with Greg is my partner we have a
Child together we’re a family I want you to be part of it but only if you can accept me for who I am I can’t it’s wrong and I want nothing to do with it Brenda don’t you’re breaking my heart how could you do this how could you bring us here how
Could you be so stupid how could you now hold on a minute sure Stan took something extremely private and made it into a public spectacle but he was just trying to help he may act like an idiot but it comes from a good place that should count for something it counts it
Count for a lot see that she loves him for who he is in spite of his many many many faults if your dad can’t accept you for who you are then you don’t need him in your life yeah get him out of your life no I don’t need him in our
Life yeah all well you you stood up for me even though I acted like a complete fool of course you’re my husband my idiot husband Rudy Rudy Rudy Rudy Ry he did it he got in the game for one play and made a tackle okay what’s the difference between a priest and a
Watch that wasn’t the punch line joke’s over fella the lady laughed move on here we are Steve the most important building in the world you excited for my 8 billionth installment of look how awesome my dad is how could I not be you couldn’t I was just making conversation
Hey check this out I’ll kill you ha you totally flinched lovely look I’m a skeleton no no I’m an obsessive Oingo Boingo fan circa 1985 it’s a weird science party who shall ask for more hey Donnie tell my son about the guy who tried to sneak a lipstick camera
Past the xr21 I accidentally shot him yeah you did it’s called Justice and it was hilarious look who’s here Steve want me to teach you some dolphin cheddar you’ve already taught me how to speak dolphin all they ever want to talk about is mackerel nonsense the Dolphins are [Laughter]
Great can we go home now go home we haven’t even played identity theft yet look at me I’m the dolphin tank cleaner you save 3 seconds by not putting your clothes on Him Steve used to really look up to me but now it’s like he’s not into me anymore wow that’s really really boring I’m serious Roger I’m opening up to you here it’s like my son’s rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don’t understand
Oh okay uh not sure what to say here well I’m off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program what they don’t have one I’m sorry Stan I’d love to help you but the eskimos their plight that’s the real stuff here you care about the eskimos yeah yeah I love their
Pies keep going walk walk walk walk walk are you still moping about Steve come on he’s just going through a phase it’s like Steve is America and you’re AR rested development it doesn’t mean you’re bad it just means he’s not interested in you I’m thinking about canceling our bi-weekly trip to the
Franklin Mint oh let’s not overreact just ask him I’ll get it go on Steve do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend the new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in where’s the beef good question where was that beef nobody knew oh my God the Franklin Mint
Yeah I’d rather die hey Steve somebody left this on your front porch great it’s the fat one that’s a door mat Barry who’s Matt Barry God I hate you so much Mom can Barry stay for dinner if it’s okay with his parents oh they won’t care
They never care good people my kind of people time to take my vitamin may I have a glass of water F can use the garden hose how could the dean give our Eskimo studies money to the stupid fraternity Council it’s all political I hate it fraternities bunch of lazy immature guys
Is getting drunk on every kind of liquor known to man I mean hi can you please help me I’m not Drunk Stan why don’t you tell one of your exciting Grenada stories that everyone loves including Steve oh nobody wants to hear any of my stupid stories you’re in grenade Barry don’t encourage why don’t you pull up a couple of chairs October 30th we were pinned down by the
Enemy and I just learned Johnson was going to the Uso Halloween pageant as M Pac-Man which meant I had less than 24 hours to come up with a whole new Costume well now I’ve done that Steve hey aren’t you supposed to be at the m with your father isn’t it great I guess he finally figured out I don’t care about his stupid commemorative plates anymore they’re here the new plates are here we got
Them we did it oh you two went to the mint together sure did Barry has a knack for it too he can spot the difference between a plate and a platter you either know that or you don’t it’s like sexing a chicken you hear that Steve your dad
Knows my name my name is Barry and he knows that uh yeah that’s great so Barry want to wind down by watching the best movie ever Red Dawn I’m Barry Red Dawn dad I thought that was our thing oh you’re off the hook Steve I know you never bought into the whole
Nicaraguan Russians and Cubans invading Colorado thing besides I’ve got Barry now I don’t need you per se you don’t need me per se Steve geez does anyone appreciate Latin anymore well done Barry the cougar wolves killer salmon and I think you’ll be surprised to see what
Creature was number one in my enemies of the Bear collection man time for my vitamin I should run home and get more you don’t need those your little candy pills won’t make you live forever will they will they what are you guys doing in here oh hey bar friend dad you said
If I ever set foot in the commemorative plate room you’d send me to military school and you also said that this room has a maximum capacity of two way to remember my words Barry so Steve I guess we’ll uh just uh see you at dinner then don’t look at
Him no frat parties harder than we do last year one of our pledges drank him self to death at his funeral everybody got laid hey what’s that guy doing oh that’s a cake stand gets the beer in your system faster I’m sorry I was just overcome with joy anyway you mind if I
Uh 1 2 3 4 307 38 309 about an hour ago I heard somebody mention chili fries what’s happening with that Roger Roger Roger Roger there you go bunk beds dad what are you doing prepping your room for the sleepover hey Steve my Spider-Man shirt told you he wouldn’t mind all right boys
Good night r at 0700 tomorrow 0700 how about okay you Scamp I love you thanks to your dad I don’t need my vitamins anymore okay Barry I’ve had enough time for you to go home go home yes go home just cut off my shirt and
Leave I don’t think so Steve I like it here your voice it it’s different yes lots of things are different now you see your father and I get along quite well he likes me and I like him and no one I mean no one is going to
Stand in the way of our friendship so just shut your skinny mouth get in the bottom bunk and go to sleep that fly it it just crawled in your get in the bottom bunk Steven and go to sleep [Laughter] that should be with you momentarily you don’t understand he he’s
Crazy he he was talking like Gary Oldman and and he made me sleep under the bed and then a fly crawled in his mouth and and he ate it he he ate the fly he he just ate it well you tell Barry not to fill up on junk I’m making tacos for
Dinner hey there he is you look great champ I took a shower boy that bathroom is so clean Mrs S how do you find the time to still be so pretty no Barry please I look terrible Stan can we stop by Church on the way to breakfast before I take my
First sip of OJ I like to take a big gulp of Jesus you bet Slugger ah oh I’m heading to church for Bible study mind if I catch a ride oh hey uh Steve would you mind opening the door for us yes I mind you have to believe me there’s something wrong with
Barry something evil fine I’ll open the door when we get to church nobody pray for Steve so then dogger was like man who vomited on my bed and I was like dogger not only is that not vomit that’s not a bed beer breath and blood eyes are not things to subsidize breath and blood eyes are not ladies ladies the dean gave us that
Money fair and square yes but not so you could blow it on parties and alcohol yeah yeah that’s right tell yeah I know that’s right yeah listen you girls like studying different cultures right uh-huh well we’re a culture a gender and ethnic exclusionary hierarchy maybe you should
Study us say tomorrow night at the house that sounds fair makes a good point I’ll tell the eskimos wait don’t go we need to stay the course this isn’t over Roger I know we just made plans for tomorrow weren’t you listening H I don’t know what’s gotten into you
Barry but this is my family my house and w wao very I I didn’t mean to no no you’re right it’s just that your dad is so great and I wanted to have a dad like that and I feel bad and so I made you a sandwich oh well
Thanks why are you using oven mitts for a cold sandwich I’m pretending they’re Pockets hey that’s my dad’s Tera readed collector’s plate you can’t touch that you know how much that’ll be worth in a few months when she’s Dead that sounded like my porcelain no they were innocent what plate will commemorate you who would do such a thing I don’t know what if we dust for Prince of course Barry that’s it to the crime lab wow Stan the crime lab turned out great dad there’s got to be millions of
Suspects in that database it’s going to take forever we’ve got a match a picture of the culprit is now on my monitor now I just have to turn my head slightly to the left and Steve why Steve why what I didn’t do it well yours are the only fingerprints
On there oh my God the oven mitts it was the oven mitts I think he’s dangerous he told me he’s been strangling cats for years I did not he’s just look out he’s got a gun oh my God what’s happened to our son I think it’s time for a little tough love oven MI Listen up you boys are here because you require punishment unusual punishment that at times will border on the Absurd sir um where are we well we ain’t at a Dennis and Tucson trying to convince the waitress it’s our birthday we’re on an oil rig in the Atlantic try to escape
And you’ll be met with deadly sharks and sniper fire do as you’re told and you’ll find this a very safe environment you can do this Gary your time is now all right maggots to the barracks more tea lady Harrington why thank You my pffo leave it this is great Barry Steve isn’t interested in playing Red Dawn with me anymore I’m sorry you wasted 14 years of your life with him Stan I need some furniture moved while I vacuum sorry champ play time’s over but wife comes first
Pal Francine is first on my list to kill my name is Barry thank you what’s wrong with these kids they all seem so slow line up Munch wads time for your pills what pills the ones that [ __ ] your aggressive Criminal Minds wait a minute [ __ ] time to take my
Vman that’s it Barry stopped taking his meds he’s unretarded don’t take that it turns you into one of them thanks but if you touch me again I’ll cut your nipples off hey there’s a reason I’m here my family’s in danger I got to get home so
This family of yours do they uh I don’t know have nipples girls put those drinks down we’re supposed to be studying this elitist subculture You’ve Lost Your objectivity we’re not objects Haley we’re women here me listen up Haley there’s nothing wrong with a good time try talking to one of
The Bros you might enjoy it never you hear me never well that’s a shame cuz fraternities really do represent virtue charity and Brotherly Love Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll be playing foosball in the rape room Barry what are you where’s Francine uh some she can’t get between us
Anymore move over Stan you’re freezing what did you do you little uh uh but since you’re up what do you say we go downstairs for a little game your your voice soothing isn’t it sweet and terrible like a madman’s Lullabi if any of you were thinking about breaking into a musical number think again I’m the only one who sings on this rig Food Glorious Food hot sausage and mustard while we’re in the mood cold jelly and custard this is our chance we’re busting out of here time to play identity Theft wow Bridge down to happy boys she’s all yours and now to lower the speedboat alarm button next to the speedboat lowering button pushed let’s get out of here alarm button next to the speedboat lowering button Pushed what are you doing quick through Here there’s no way out we got you surrounded let go all right kids are dead back to work that was amazing Steve how’d you learn to do all that um my dad taught me cool very cool yeah I guess it [Laughter] is well look who stayed over leave me alone
Roger I’m already ashamed ashamed I turned my back on the eskimos you sure turned your back on me last night that’s tuck tuck good bro good for the house well if I’m going to be any fun at the LI out tonight I better hit the sack ah no you don’t brother sleep pledgees
Clean excuse me clean yeah after a house party pledge you spend the day cleaning up why don’t you start by cleaning that up [ __ ] tired of getting spanked by dudes Anyway uh-oh go ahead play the card but it’ll send you back to start I’m familiar with the rules St but play a card all right Barry The Jig Is Up steeve you’re a jucky had to play identity theft to get home had to do a
Lot of things you taught me to get home I’m sorry I thought you were lame dad that’s okay son time to take your pill you’re not in any position to be calling the shots Steven I’m the one holding the gun sure you could kill me with your gun but are
You willing to try something much more elaborate and unnecessary your anti psychotic vitamin is in one of these glasses you choose which one one then we both drink delightful careful Steve he’s as mad as he is fat I’ll just make my decision based upon what I know about you you
Escaped the Work Camp so I know you’re cunning I also know you’re shy farsighted Grumpy in the morning I know you’ve seen The Princess Bride you’re Starling and I knew you were going to say that I know you’re a handful at boy girl parties your name backwards is nitz
And your aim at the urinal is shall we say less than accurate are you going to choose a glass yes I choose this one thanks for driving me home Mr Smith we’re going faster than people quiet fatty fat fat fatty sorry we sent you to Work Camp son Barry really pulled one
Over on us how’d you know we’d pick the right glass I put vitamins in both I found this on the floor man I’m getting hungry hey let’s go dig up your mother so she can make us Breakfast attention everyone I have incredible news the war in Iraq is over better we’re getting a pingpong table Elma Elma wake the kids it’s finally happened in order to have easy access to the water fountain we’ll be setting up our green mistress right here
But my desk is right here not to worry I know just where to put you your cover’s been blown where are you I’m sorry could you repeat that your you’re in Wan worst St stupid boss Robbery dad stop that’s Paco Greg and Terry’s dog walker sorry honey I can’t hear you over the street Justice their dog must have gotten off leash and he was chasing after him thank you Haley oh I must hurry if I’m late Mr Greg and Terry give me so
Many pinches whoa whoa wao not so fast Padre I still need to see some ID dad he doesn’t have any he’s an unregistered visitor you mean an illegal alien what happened to the land of the free these people have a right to be here people they’re parasites sucking on
The rich blood of America and we need that blood to shed for oil your thing looks more interesting out of my way I have been ban practice oh do you think no but I could no oh he shut you down what are you going to do
Cry now I’m going to walk out of here cuz I have legs did you know Greg and Terry have an illegal alien walking their dog isn’t it terrible I’d be way too uncomfortable having some poor immigrant working for me like that oh are you done I was hoping you’d talk more about yourself
Well aren’t you a grumpasaurus I’m a grumpasaurus Rex bulock moved my desk to the bathroom I’m so sick and tired of that job I Want To Be My Own Boss I want to make so much money that I can tell people they can kiss my firm white ass
That’s the American dream today made me realize it’s time for me to follow my true destiny oh no not this again yes Francine this again my holiday CS a different handmade bear for every holiday look at him how cute is he go on tell him you don’t love him he’s cute
But I still have a problem with the name celan it sounds like a cross between celibate and abortion I told you Francine I heard your note I considered it and I don’t agree and you’ve never once gotten them in stores in time for a holiday ho ho ho Mary crap Happy
Valentine’s crap maybe I would have made a holiday if you’d help me with the sewing but no you have a phobia of needles hey you have a phobia of Seagulls a seagull where don’t let it touch me with its feet there’s no seagull oh anyway this time I’m going to
Do it my Bears will be on shelves by May 14th in time for Mother’s Day so help me God I did it I finished the Mother’s Day Bears it’s June crap maybe now you’ll give this bear thing up never Father’s Day is the next big holiday I just need to hire some
Help Stan you’re sinking an awful lot lot of money into this it’s the American dream Francine looks like we’ll have to dip into the fund which one the PDF no have a little fa if you’ve got the time I will show the face yeah it’ll be
All right look up at the sun living on the Run hello that’s awesome thanks good news guys we’ve just been asked to perform at this year’s Langley Falls Fourth of July Festival Steve and the as tones are on our way Jerry what are you doing nothing
Man we told you no drugs and I told you if I was responsible I wouldn’t be in a band with a bunch of 14year olds 2 hours 7 minutes not bad and your resume looks good 6 months as a receipt Checker at Best Buy that was a super
Hard job I’m sure I’m sure you’re hired I’ll pay you 450 an hour and all the Mr pib you can drink no that’s not how it works man minimum wage is $7 an hour I’ll also need health insurance two weeks paid vacation sick days pension
Fund they gave you all that at Best Buy I can’t afford to do that hello father you remember Paco what the hell is going on we’re dating now because Paco is a person not a parasite sucking on the blood of America mangua mangua that means more
Tongue no daughter of mine is dating an illegal alien you’re dead to me wow Paco must be Mexican for lightning hands how’ you like to come work for me I’ll pay you $2 an hour and all the Mr pib you can drink maximum two a day at Best Buy we had a slushy
Machine why don’t you just marry Best Buy if you love it so much great job Paco I might just make a holiday yet then I’ll have kiss my ass money this is outrageous kiss my ass Haley it’s already Working dude that rocked who are you I’m Crispy Cream McDonald’s my Crispy Cream mama got raped by my McDonald’s Daddy what are you doing I don’t have any bones in my arms which makes me unnatural on the drums plus I love music Steve I can’t live without my jams I got
To Rocket got to Rocket got to do it if you don’t know now you know forget it I think we should go with our first choice toi’s sister Akiko woo I’m thirsty from rocking it so hard who wants a smear off ice and some bootleg Ukrainian porn all in favor of
Making Crispy Cream McDonald’s our new Drummer Mr Smith we’ve sold out of your adorable Bears yes I knew it you’re over for Paddington so take your little rain Slicker and your little boots and go die in an alley do you have any more bears unfortunately no but I do have this Paco a prototype for my next holiday
Celebration I love him I’ll take a thousand and another thousand to sell in my [Laughter] store it’s happening I’m finally making my dream come true we’re going to need help to fill an order that big do you have any relatives no I am an only child I’m kidding I’m
Mexican ah The Sweet Sound of illegals working for pennies on the dollar Stan could you help me bring the groceries in sure Paco tell number 14 and number eight to go upstairs and help my wife oh no Stan that’s not their job no it’s your job but they’re going to help
You oh Stan I almost forgot Patty lael’s here to see you what at first I thought it was atha Franklin but then she said she wasn’t Miss leel stand Smith I love R&B music I consider the whole genre one long song darling I’m here because I’m a
Big fan of your Bears a friend showed me one and honey miss Patty just loved them I would like to sell them on my Shopping Network show will you be able to hold us both up if I add my legs to this hug I’m unload those in the kitchen perishables in the
Fridge Dry Goods in the pantry M leel are you thirsty esparanza get Petty laella C dooga and if we could walk Away down Sunset Boulevard hacky hacking the hack tones oh yeah well let’s hear one of your songs you got nothing this is my band so we’re going to do what I want if you don’t like it we’ve got a Kiko waiting in the wings stay isn’t he just adorable that
He is Patty Stan did you know that in some countries the bear bear is considered a demigod no I didn’t Patty did you know that in the gay community a hairy man is also known as a bear uh no well Stan it looks like we have a
Special guest with us in the studio today oh is Oscar he’s a huge fan of your bears in fact maybe the love of one of your Bears will heal him H Oh Praise G Jesus the bear gave him the confidence to try and fail did he fail because our viewers didn’t buy
Enough Bears yes he says yes I still can’t believe it over a 100,000 orders our dream is finally coming true why are they throwing tortilla chips in front of you because it makes me feel like a Princess what’s this you were supposed to be working all night where’s Paco get up what’s going on sorry Senor Smith I was out late with Haley you have a big future here Paco in 10 years you could be making five bucks an hour and be up to seven pibs a day sit your Ps What are you doing rehearsal doesn’t start for 3 hours Steve good you’re here I meant to call you how do I put this you’re out of the band what we decided to go in a different direction and voted you out we’re now Crispy Cream McDonald’s jamtastic roller Boogie prawn
Experience but we’re supposed to play the July 4th Festival yeah the prawn experience also booked that gig see we go on right before you in your non-existent ass tones yeah well what kind of music do you play we cover public domain songs Camp Town Races baaba Black Sheep we got over 100 hits
Already ladies and gentlemen I’m going to tell you about a little place I know little place called London Bridge it’s falling Down Haley I’m here because of your father he said I was spending too much time with you and and not focusing enough my career so I must break up with you what no I’d let you give me a mo free ho that’s the most intimate thing a white
Woman can give a Mexican man I have to get back to work I’m sorry yeah you will be sorry Mom Roger stole my band oh that’s awful you must need a hug Stan Smith agent Hopkins ins we received a report that you’re harboring illegal Aliens so I H I’m a CIA man myself I suppose that kind of makes us Brothers my brother died in a car crash when I was 11 cars well no sign of any illegals that anonymous tip we got was clearly bogus really why don’t you check the basement
Officers there was a whole sweat shop down there where’ they all go I don’t know what you did but I am not going to let you sorry again for wasting your time please don’t give it another oh you don’t have to pick that up inz will I mean Maria no no Elizabeth
Miss Elizabeth Protestant England will get it she is our white legal maid right right I’ll be seeing you around agent Smith he’s on to us they’ll be back what are we going to do I have to get those Bears shipped out by tomorrow they’re going to
Have to work all night to finish them well they can’t work here the fuzz is crawling all over this joint there’s an old CIA Warehouse downtown I can move the workers there I can sneak them out later tonight just be careful Stan and keep moving if you stop for more than 5
Minutes they’ll have a Barbecue thanks for helping me sneak the Mexicans out out Steve the ins has been watching this place all day well I didn’t have anything else to do my band was supposed to perform in the festival tonight I really just don’t want to be alone Steve you see that button right
There that rolls up the window push it so we don’t have to do this anymore all right we’re in the clear something wrong with your car agent Smith yes we couldn’t get it started Carl fix agent Smith’s car so that it will start who are the Mexicans Stan oh oh uh
They’re uh the they’re in my son’s band they’re playing the festival this evening may I see their papers okay you got me these people aren’t legal let me just have them for tonight so my son can play with his band fine they can sing in the festival
But only because that is what I want now if you will all get into your van we will escort you there no no escort will be necessary necessary a pleasure I’ll enjoy some music then take them in after their performance afterwards I’ll probably just finish up paperwork at the office and answer [Applause] [Applause] emails give crack crack give me Crack T give me Crack crack give me Crack T give me Crack crack give me Crack T give me Crack crack give me Crack T Stan what are you doing you’re supposed to be at the warehouse the ins
Was waiting for us so I lied and said the Mexicans were in Steve’s band and now I don’t know how we’re going to get out of here wait what are you doing here I don’t know I usually just do what you do [Applause] and I don’t [Applause] [Applause] Care yeah see Steve what just happened was I saw a million faces and I rocked them all follow that [ __ ] next up Steve and the as tones here’s what we do after they finish singing we sneak the Mexicans out and drive like hell to the warehouse we lock
Ourselves in until they finish the Bears then we turn them over to the ins yes uh-huh I’m with you they get deported and we buy our way out of trouble because we’ll be rich plus we’re white and I’m blonde the best kind of white uh you guys know any English songs
There is one song we know hello father wondering how I escaped from the basement no not really oh but it involved training rats hello everyone we got a real treat for you tonight Paco and his family here used to sing this song back in Mexico while dreaming of coming to America West Virginia Blue Mountain Shing We country rooll take me home to the place I belong West Virginia M Take Me Home Country Road my god listen to them sing about America they aren’t parasites they’re people Paco and his family feel lucky just to be in this country all we do is take it for granted and they’re willing
To work in my basement for soda soda that I watered down it’s not about having kiss my ass money it’s about being here in the greatest country in the world that’s the American dream Francine okay but can I just have one to help me with the laundry there’s just so
Much laundry Stan I’m a hypocrite too Dad I used Paco to get it you then tried to throw him away by calling ins you heartless [ __ ] I’m kidding we can’t let ins take them we need to cause a distraction so we can sneak them out are you sure you’d be giving up your
Dream I’m sure country take me home to the place I belong West Virgin take home country roll where Steve and the ass [Applause] tnos who wants a free holiday bear [Applause] There it is Paco sweet freedom look ma Mexicans like the fast Mouse in them Bugs Bunny cartoons I like beans in said I realized I’m still in love with Jeff fiser which is why we’ve decided to alope I’m offering $50,000 to anyone who can stop the wedding let’s go get that reward money
People [Applause] yeah ow oh after a few twists and turns Jeff and Haley outsmarted Stan and eloped anyways with Stan 50k well you’re all up to speed so just sit back put down your GED paperwork and enjoy the show stupid we’re here to honor those who
Died in the tragic bus crash members of our community we could never possibly forget like Bobby the bullet Coco Brett and of course clown with glasses clown with glasses you lost someone too my daughter yeah she ran off and got married and hasn’t called us in 6
Weeks at least you know where your loved one Is duper I thought you died in the bus crash I did but it turns out the cia’s been working on this new cloning thing and here I am you’re a a clone yep exactly the same in every way except this guy was married to some ugly [ __ ] maybe it’s Haley Haley no it’s
Roger Roger can I call you back you don’t have to I’m right next to you you didn’t see me setting all this stuff up now we’re in the same scene thanks Don I’m done with this still broken up about Haley huh well don’t you worry I’m going to find
Her and bring her back to to us no I’m going to find her and steal that $50,000 she took from you and I promise you I’m going to spend it all on myself at Bert LongHorn’s Western Wear Depot look at me Stan St look at me that’s a promise observation deck Please FY what are you doing in here I thought we agreed not to go in this room oh Stan I just miss Haley so much thought I’d come in and tidy up throw away her expired condoms they’re unlooped she’s good to go just like her mother we raised a Junior College
Dropout who stole 50 Grand from us and eloped with a stoner hippie face it slick we’ failed as parents even by Appalachian standards hi I’m back from school I’m going to watch TV and try to forget about the wedgie I suffered at lunch today oh my bottom no TV you’ve
Got homework to do oh Stan he’s been in class all day let him relax and unwind you’re too lenient Francine that’s probably why Haley left us excuse me homework now if Haley left because of anybody it was you you’re too stricted and it drove her away TV now whatever I
Got to get a popsicle on the old starfish listen to me children need structure and discipline no kids need space to make their own mistakes and learn from them well there’s only one way to settle this first want across the Finish Line decides how we raise Steve Deal for Moment you I guess I was wrong about you Robbie you do have what it takes to be radical thanks a lot Trace sorry we bullied you when you moved here from the big city after your dad died you can ride with us Anytime finally it’s our turn does this mean I won or should I keep going I cannot continue yes we race Steve my way I’m from the big city you’re not really going after the $50,000 are you you have no idea where Haley is patience fish to find a stoned
Loser I must become a stoned loser watch and learn okay not sure this stuff is working I don’t feel any a Roger what the hell are you doing in Thailand oh my god it worked Thailand huh I’d like three 12-year-old boys no MSG stand up straight wipe your glasses tuck in your shirt Stan you agreed Steve would be raised my way you’re not allowed to be strict with him I’m not
Being strict with Steve Steve’s out there what you won the race so you can raise Steve however you like this is a clone I had made at the CIA for me to raise how I like I’m calling him starino hi Mom pretty great huh I also cloned world famous comedian John leguisamo
Zamo do an impression okay uh this is my cousin Kesha from the Black hey I’m Kisha from the black I don’t know John I don’t know anyone like that Dan how could you clone Steve I was in a pickle you won the right to raise Steve your way but my way is far
Superior so this was your solution what was I supposed to do Welch on a BMX race get the BMX people involved the Council of 12 I’m not going before them again wow I have a clone we should buy by matching capes and invent our own creepy language and do jazz tap
Routines they’re identical right down to their memories and emotions so from here on how they turn out is totally based on their upbringing galimo shabaha Shabua Stan this is insane oh it’s perfect you can raise Steve your way and I’ll raise Steve arino my way we’ll see which one turns out better and the other one we’ll just put down what we’ll figure it out boys come over here St arino I’ll be parenting you
Exclusively from now on there will be a lot of rules homework and exercise aw but trust me in time I’ll mold you into a buff athletic model student every boy will want to be you every girl will want to be inside you that sounds great I’ll
Just make a slight adjustment so we can tell you boys apart what about me Dad Steve your mother will be raising you which unfortunately means that your life will suck worse than Nicholas Cage in Ghost Rider all right that’s it if you think you’re so much better at parenting
Than me we’ll do your stupid plan May the best Steve win wait so I don’t have to follow any of Dad’s rules that’s right honey yeah I’m going to go have a garden Burger maybe it’ll turn me gay maybe it won’t I guess we’ll just let fate Decide beer for the Newly Weds let’s cut to the chase I’m here to steal your 50 Grand what hand it over or I will set in motion the most brilliant elegant plan I’ve ever come up with no it’s our money and we’re making it last yeah we’re
Going to use it to start our new life selling both realistic and unrealistic wolf masks very well then the plan it [Laughter] is this is your elegant plan you you think I’m going to give you the money to get you to stop making that Noise yes I’m did you want to try par gliding I stayed up until 3 playing night manager the most realistic retail themed video game on the market sounds productive we went hiking at dawn this morning there we are egg whites and soy toast for my little achiever what do I
Get for breakfast anything you want honey uh okay how about chocolate chip pancakes and wine chocolate chip pancakes and Chardonnay the Delta Burke breakfast it is put this on St arino you start your first day of military school in an hour military school you want those dividends
Don’t you the muscles the brains then you have to trust me I trust you dad out of boy I think I’ll take a up swearing And So It Begins he got secular Joy he’s a pecul boy but now the ler is gone the peul boy is no More man me got precious youth but forsaken for Welcome Home Father we won the big game against St John’s and I scored a touchdown that’s great son isn’t that great Francine big Deal like you’re so great with your stupid trophy I have a trophy too it’s a Spanky award that’s right he got it for pulling it 11 times in one day 13 if you count ghost loads father may I watch television with Steve no can do son you
Got an A minus in biology you get that grade up I’ll let you watch a full hour of Fox News or City Council meetings on channel 36 great I’ll go hit the books face it Francine my parenting is Superior in three months I’ve turned Steve arino into an exceptional young
Man meanwhile you’ve turned your Steve into oh look at that he’s starting a nose Mining Company Steve will find his way sh shut up mom get me ships oh knocking off early you can do that when you own your own [Laughter] business I can’t take it anymore get a
Hold of yourself I told you I have a plan did you pack your stuff good things should be getting better right about now so long sucker are you crazy pushing me in the pool I had 40 hits of ecstasy in my pocket buckle up kids they’re going to have to go to the
Hospital this boat is awesome babe and we’re the only passengers aboard oh oh my God Run starino is going to be so excited it’s time for his first drug test Santa Maria what did you do to St aro’s bedroom me I haven’t been off this couch in two weeks it’s my bedroom my bathroom and my Lover well where’s Ste Rino took off this morning left a note father I can no longer tolerate your oppressive treatment I’m leaving and never coming back all the best Steve arino PS I will be dropping the arino from my name as I am not a character from Welcome Back
Cotter ha you drove him off just like you drove Haley off I’m the better parent oh oh my God it’s true I failed as a father you can still be a good dad if you get me some more nachos fat ass and don’t skimp on the Chili Peppers I want my farts to
Hurt Weak Steve get your feet off the table mom says I don’t have to well I say Mom dad’s trying to get me to run away like all your other kids Stan leave him alone Steve I got your lunch that is if you want to go to school today I’ll put it
In your napsack don’t touch that good Lord he mutilates innocent cats yes you raised a monster Steve Areno only ran away I’m the better parent Steve I don’t know what’s going on but I’m here for you Steve arino hi Dad what why are you dressed as Steve it’s simple really I
Hated all your rules and wanted Steve’s easy life so I faked running away and took his place check this out getting fancy great Stan you turned your Steve into a cat killing psychopath and I have no idea where my Steve is will you stop doing that what did you do with
Steve I got him locked away I was keeping him alive in case ever needed some spare body parts but now that the cat’s out of the bag I’m going to kill him you Little damn his athleticism I swear every time I help someone strengthen their core it comes back to haunt me we have to follow him to Steve how he’s going through the woods we can’t keep up with him on foot taking a chance risking it all He’s heading to dangerous jump Passer in your heart every move is like a light the Power [Applause] glor radical he’s headed for the old magazine Factory What what if he finds us we’ve taken six flights since we ditch the boat okay there’s no way M don’t you start no M it’s m activities director from Golden mango Resort [Laughter] no all right all right take the money just God stop making that sound yes I told you I’d get the money wait wait where did all go we spent it trying to get away from you you dumbass oh looks like my work is done here on to
The next Grand Adventure change the backdrop Don India the birthplace of diarrhea Welcome to my little Refuge Steve arino I’m tired of you bossing me around dad all the running all the studying all the planning for your Christian Camp I know you want to break ground in 2012 but it’s not going to happen we can’t get the permits Steve
Arino you let Steve go and stop this at once Stan being strict is what made him this way in the first place look St arino I know I’ve been too hard on you from here on out I promise to let you do whatever you want whenever you want really really you name
It I want to kill Steve okay Dan right right right What a waste those were brand new sneakers oh well hey they’ll fit Steve Steve about time it’s 4:00 where am I 4:00 nachos I got this one Steven Smith I am your mother if you don’t get out of that cage I will push you back up my clown hole and birth you
Again and name you my [ __ ] now get out of that cage I guess Steve needs both of our parenting styles to balance him out you’re right and you know what we got to stop beating ourselves up over Haley running off with Jeff miss me no now to finish what I Started Steve hit the deck come on Steve let’s go get you those nachos you can eat them after you do your Homework I’ll see you in Hell hey shie and buckle are moving into the neighborhood and they’ve invited us to a pool party wait next weekend does that give us enough time oh no Stan does this mean we have to do another one of your are we good enough to be seen in public Smith
Family Fashion Shows yes it does first up Haley Smith in what appears to be the white trash going crazy at Lake havu collection stop stop you are not wearing that to buckle and shar’s pool party you look like you should be holding up round cards at a dog fight in
Fresno Steve you’ve known about this party for a week and you haven’t bulked up you didn’t make a dent in that Russian protein powder I gave you uh I don’t think it’s for people dad get out of my sight you made me feel like a fool for building a professional
Grade runway in my living room you my darling look perfect thank you but you run your mouth at these things I’m giving you a 100w limit here I got you this counter are you serious you’ve got 97 left Stan why is it every time we go out in public together you
Make us pass your silly inspect iction yeah Dad why do you care so much what other people think because that’s all that matters one’s True Value is determined solely Through The Eyes of others that’s from Genesis their first album I think welcome neighborhood shie glad not
In woods anymore one year and that fun a cabin was enough I was going Mugi Buckle get rid of that owl my migraines but that owl was my best friend for 15 years in the wilderness it’s him or me who you going to pick who who stay out of
It part’s going well no Smith family blunders that’s good great brisket careful now 96% of all party fowls involve food or drink don’t spill it don’t choke on it how are you you’re doing great kiddo I love you so much Dad I’m sweating like a pig in this thing it’s humiliating not to
Me and show some respect your grandmother drowned in that bathing suit how family no embarrass so far so good hello y’all I’m Stan Smith’s brother applebe MC Fridays do I smell KP oh no Roger I helped buckle with his conversion to Judaism that was one stubborn foreskin hey Rabbi I got a joke
For you two priests are hitting on an altar boy hello guy who mistakenly believes he’s my brother uh if if you want to hear a joke Rabbi I got a nice clean one um uh okay what are the three rings of mar the first one’s the engagement ring the
Second one’s the wedding ring and the third one the suffer ring Stan that’s not a good joke cuz it’s not racist okay here’s one so this lazy Mexican walks into an even lazier black guy’s bar hey uh everyone who wants to see me cannonball into the
Pool a man turning his body into an old instrument of War I’m in I’m constantly doing damage control for this [Applause] family oh dear that brisket was too greasy now I got to [Applause] Poop No way oh my God great Cannonball though he did that in the Neighbor’s Pool that’s disgusting people have to swim in that water I’m probably going to get some kind of gross rash I was in the pool when he did it I was at Ground Zero Haley it’s not okay to use that term I
Was actually at Ground Zero I was the first one on the scene selling erotic t-shirts Osama bin sexy sexy Bin Laden and yo mama bin farton that last one was not erotic to everybody your poor father he didn’t even come home last night Stan have you been in there all night yes and
I’ve never coming out and you were worried about me embarrassing you stop it Steve St none of us think any less of you for what you did I don’t care what any of you guys think what does that matter my reputation’s ruined soiled like these cheap swim trunks and the
Several places I sat down when I first came home sweetheart nobody knows just a few neighbors at the party you’re blowing this whole thing out of proportion okay okay maybe you’re right oh no oh no no Frank no you can stay in there hi [Laughter] Frank [Laughter] Ha [Laughter] Stan what happened it was so embarrassing The Whole Town’s laughing at me and on all days bulock just appointed me the head of the new Tactical Urban response Division frantin frantin wake up too tired do whatever you want just don’t get it in my hair wake the kids and get them in the car you have 90 seconds Stan it’s 3:00 in the morning where are we going I can no longer live in this town The Smiths are dead there’s no
Turning back oh my God it’s I see him I see him Stan we’ve been driving all night do you even have a plan yes to get as far away from my shame as possible can’t we just go home yeah if we can go back in time can you do that Haley have you smoke that much weed well if you see me back
There tell me don’t jump in the pool don’t jump in the pool Roger what happened well I guess sometimes a hole in a men’s room stall is just a hole in a men’s room stall the world needs to know no America is ready to step up and
Lead again so inspiring hey you guys are truckers want to hear a horribly racist joke hey where I come from we don’t judge a man by the color of his skin or his religion or even the mistakes of his past excuse me friend where are you from exactly small town in Indiana called
Mercyville it’s not fancy mind you you know we don’t have any swimming pools and thus no one ever recounts any swimming pool related stories but what we lack in places to swim we make W up for an understanding that sounds like the perfect place for us to live well
Not much of a gay scene out back either what a quaint town a malt Shop an old-fashioned Barber a bakery yeah yeah we get it Little Slice of Heaven let’s just hope it has what every other small town in America has cheap and plentiful methamphetamines hardware store has a
Help wanted sign I think I will inquire within you know gang this could really be a chance for us to reinvent ourselves oh yes I’m sure life will be very different for me here close enough shave for you so far so far and thanks for talking me out of
That neck beard I got to say I love your little town I think my family’s going to be happy here for Generations do I know you no I don’t think so wait are you from Langley Falls never heard of the place are you sure because my brother lives in Langley
Falls he sent me a newspaper clipping and I swear it had a photo of you you did something hey uh you guys want to hear a good racist joke joke I can’t remember what it was ah I threw away the clipping but it’ll come to me it always
Does for the life of me chairman meow I can’t remember what it was that guy did what was it it was something embarrassing that’s it he did a cannonball into the pool and then he took a giant you had to Remember come on you’re really going to kill me just cuz I know
You’re secret so this place isn’t going to work Out this is perfect we’re living above a fish market in little Romania nobody here has any connection to Langley Falls wish we weren’t sharing the apartment with 14 members of the bomb besue family 13 back to 14 Circle of Life beautiful thing see we’re safe here we’ve outrun my shame for
Good he wants me to play with [Laughter] him somebody was videotaping oh my God Stan Smith just made a BM you can’t hit me I’m a new mother we have to move somewhere they don’t have the [Laughter] Internet wait where’s your ticket I’ve realized I can’t outrun this thing I’m sending you back without me so you can lead normal lives what we don’t want to go back without you trust me this will be better for all of us gu that makes me the man
Of the house there’s going to be some changes Steve kiss me on the mouth but what will you do oh don’t worry I’ll be fine I’m going to have a drink at the airport bar then I’m going to blow my brains out don’t tell the kids Stan the kids know you drink
Yeah I’m uh not going to miss that President Obama visited the UN today where he received a 5H hour standing ovation that Obama sure has changed things what do you mean well the United States was the laughing stock of the world until Obama came along yeah sure
Whatever I mean the United States has done some pretty shameful things just this 20 gauge and uh one of these toon but then Obama comes along and he makes it all better yeah you may want to stand back brain matter I mean if Obama can make America look good after all the
Embarrassing crap it’s pulled then he can make anything look good my God that’s it anyway as you know Lima has a booming industry of blind male prostitutes of which I am widely known as the second most disease free senor ah we can be together again I’ve got a
Plan does that plan include explaining why a footless blind man is giving an expert bajowski to our baggage handler admire the skills no listen I’m a laughing stock right well there’s one man who’s so beloved that if he did what I did he’d actually make it cool what
Are you talking about it’s simple we’ve just got to get President Obama to make a boom Bo boom in a pool I don’t know Obama may be black but I bet he keeps his butt clenched like he’s white that’s from my standup routine check it out you
Ever notice when a black man poops in the pool he’s like yo check it but then when a white guy poops in the pool he’s all oh my I’m defecating in the swimming receptical Stan we’ll never even get close to Obama this plan is crazy look
If we can just get Obama to do what I did then no one can tease me anymore then we can move back home together white Mission Control be uh we are clear to initiate Landing sequence for space shuttle Atlantis but black Mission Control be all get out of the way here comes the
Shadow this Roach Coach will serve as our base of operations as we carry out operation pincher loaf I need two breakfast burritos and a side of refried beans two BB’s and a side of fart paste coming up the plan is simple we’ll renovate a rundown community pool then
We’ll have a grand opening ceremony convince Obama to swim the inaugural appp and then get him to drop a presidential Deuce how are we going to get to Obama first step one of us is going to make friends with his two adorable daughters but they go to one of
The most exclusive private schools in DC how are we even going to get close we’re a lesbian couple we adopted our daughter from an orphanage in Somalia my name is Winfrey full scholarship hi the name’s Winfrey I like Joe Bros my side Gaga KP Fifi and the
Flacky fleas yeah we freay frease now we best freay freas let’s have a play day your house Madam first lady we are so honored to be here as lesbians of no color well your daughter is just darling Barack and I are so pleased the girls in Winfrey
Have hit it off okay according to the map this is where Amy Carter buried all ofer so it would really mean a lot to the community if the president would come and take the inaugural lap I will make sure he’s there no fair everybody has a role in this
Plan except for me I could live to be a 100 and never figure out how to fold a burito okay let me ask you this you can lead a president to water but how will you make him Smith in it CL I’d like you to meet Dr alestra montazuma Mexico’s
Leading Authority on quantum feal theory Dr montazuma is developing a fast acting laxative for our operation he was The Mastermind behind Tiana I’ve never been but I’ve heard terrible things congratulations doctor let’s get started first I will show you some samples Manuel bring in the jars I need more
Time he well bring whatever you have it will just be a minute is everybody in position check yeah ready dad inserting laxative into hot dog a inserting hot dog B into my a here comes the limo Roger go go hello Mr President I made a hot dog just
For you oh aren’t you cute uh but I don’t eat before I swim Francine initiate backup plan repeat put on the laxative glove and Shake Obama’s hand he’ll absorb it through his skin Mr President we are so thrilled that you’re Here no all right let’s swim that’s it the operation’s a failure goodbye family you will never see or hear from me again we got to do something I’m on It CL no my plan now hang on this man looks familiar to me ha it is this man’s poopy exploits have brought me many hours of online Joy now what exactly were you trying to accomplish here Mr funny poopy man Mr President I’m sorry I just thought if
You fudged in the pool maybe people would stop laughing at me oh man you can’t worry about what other people think of you uh do you know how mad the black community gets at me because I don’t smoke menthols but it doesn’t affect me because I don’t let it but sir
I’m a laughing stock uh look poopy man if you refuse to care what people think then their laughter cannot hurt you just ignore ignore them oh terrific it looks like Michelle is going to Delight us with one of her famous cannonballs yeah Michelle canon ball canon ball can ball Canon
Bonon ballon ball I haven’t jumped yet I imagine the whole thing your laughter can’t hurt me if I don’t let it extended fantasy sequence Obama made me realize that canon ball canon ball canon ball As hurricane floel grows stronger record surf threatens to breach the Langley Falls seaw wall and flood all of lower Langley residents are urged to evacuate thanks Greg stay safe out there don’t worry I’ve been in some nasty Storms oh my God the sky Ain Greg how can you calmly do housework when there’s a hurricane outside I’m stuck inside all day anyway might as well scratch some things off my to-do list install this light fixture repair the table find my old College Javelin why on Earth would you ever need
That you never know well this weather is worrying me are you sure we shouldn’t evacuate evacuate I’m not going to abandon my house just so a bunch of guys in sports jerseys can loot the place and do God knows what with my old old College Javelin but we’re in lower Langley and
We’re in the lowest part of the neighborhood that’s why so many soccer balls end up in our yard we’ll be fine I’ve got us totally prepared to ride out the storm but what if the seaw wall breaks Greg said that Francine a man’s most important duty is
To protect his family so please just trust me I won’t let anything happen to you guys okay okay try to relax watching all that news is just is making you paranoid maybe a nice massage will calm you down just start up here check it out I got full blueprints of our house for
My project the junior architect Society isn’t going to know what hit him are you allergic to vaginas Steve Jeff what if the seaw wall breaks the zoo is in lower Langley what about the animals ah don’t worry babe all the animals will take care of each other
Just like they do in the wild I don’t know what I’d do without you you’re my rock come on let’s go get high and talk about other times we got high last night was magical I think we could really have something oh yeah yeah yeah say could I get that sweatshirt
Back from you it looks pretty nasty out there maybe I could just wear it and give it back to you next time yeah it’s just it’s kind of my favorite you know from college I’ll wash it for you I just want to wear it for a while smells like
Us if you’ve seen this man please call the Station right away he was last seen being sucked into the sky where he belongs because he’s an angel hey Buckle Stan you’re still here everyone in the neighborhood has evacuated even my friends Julius and Rachel Epstein left their Beaver stand I
Appreciate the concern Buckle but we’ll be fine the roads aren’t passable anymore but I’ve got an amphibious vehicle I’m going to go get shie and we’ll stop by on our way out I pray you come with us my friend Stan are you sure we shouldn’t go
With them the seaw wall could break any minute for the last time we’ll be fine we have weeks of supplies and the house is completely watertight how do you know that remember when everyone was worried about Anthrax and dirty bombs a few years ago even though they should be far
Far more worried about it now trust me I know what I’m talking about I remember well I everything proofed the house it’s sealed against Anthrax radiation water this dumb bastard’s going to get us all killed we have to evacuate we are staying right here not I said the guy
Who lived and was beautiful I’m going with Redbeard raccoon coat anyone is’s interested in living and not being stupid and crazy I suggest you join me and anyone who trusts my judgment as the protector of this family I suggest you join me Francine I’m sorry Stan but when
There’s a crisis you make bad decisions they sound reasonable in the moment but they always end badly that’s ridiculous I know it’s hard to hear Stan but it’s true come on kids I’m with Mommy betrayal I have to stay mom if the zoo floods I need to be here so I can start
Rescuing animals besides I think the house will probably hold I’m with you babe see what a good wife Jeff is Francine he sticks by her husband I’ll stay with you Roger you’re still here come on you guys how can you trust that guy over me your own husband you’re
Not giving me any choice staying here is a perfect example of you making a bad crisis decision I still don’t understand why we couldn’t have taken the salara the salara is not amphibious my sweet citic treasure frantin staying here is not a bad decision I’ve prepared for
This I finally did it I’ve made my decision about whether to stay or go took a lot of soul searching but in the end P Haley please come with us I can’t mom what of the animals why why why why you have to say it like that no the sea wall has [Applause]
Broken what an exciting first date we’re not dating you miserable cow you’re funny oh my God buckle and Sh they’re dead nothing we can do now but pre and strip all the copper piping out of their house if you’d gotten in that vehicle you’d be dead tooo Francine if we’ left this
Morning like I wanted we’d be safe at Mama and Baba’s right now we’re safe here the generator’s working the place is sealed tighter than an unlubricated commel valve or maybe the more obvious joke of Swansea tribesman noknok ribbon pre- lonzi ritual um Dad you didn’t seal the drainage that
Allows water to pass under the house did you cuz without that the water will put too much pressure on the structure Steve stop it just because you’re in an architect Club doesn’t mean a you Barb some weather huh doesn’t mean you know everything about hey principal Lewis and
Is about this house we’re moving the house is moving I see that now just as I suspected the water couldn’t pass under the house so it pushed it off the foundation see Stan sealing up the house and staying here sounded like okay decisions but look what happened I feel so close to you
Let’s go look at your baby pictures great you go get them they’re outside where just outside anywhere just go find them it’s a game I say we go up to the attic the highest safest part of the house we should stay down here if rescue comes we can climb right out the window
And onto the boat you know what fine anyone’s smart or loyal enough to take my side in this come with me to the attic Hy don’t listen to him she’s made up her mind Francine just like how I normally make up your mind penny for your thoughts I don’t
Have any change Saucy shut up do not pass go what chicken butt I hate you got your nose Dan what are you doing I’m dropping an anchor to stop us we can crash into something and sink oh please don’t do that I know an anchor sounds like a good
Plan I can’t poke any holes in it per se but based on your history my wine fridge I had my cocaine in there see Francine it was a good idea and it worked thanks to me the Smith family is safe I’ll never forget you Roger just ignore her no my sweatshirt don’t worry I can fix this it’s jammed ha tables have turned [ __ ] this whole house is going to flood tough luck for you dicks who don’t have gills I guess it’s my house now and I can go wherever I
Want see you never go this is salt water it burns put me back put me back so a lot of funny jokes happened just now yeah we’re completely upside down a look Steve our glow-in-the-dark star stickers are still here remember that night we camped out in the living room we told
Ghost stories and you had your first big boy dream such volume that must be the others in the Attic we have to help them looks like we can use this vertical access shaft to get down there those are the stairs Steve we need to make some kind of rope
Maybe out of curtains as if you think I’m going to risk my neck for Stan after what he did in my wine fridge now way but what about your wigs they’re all in the Attic get out of my way I’ll kill you FR Annie we need to make some kind
Of rope perhaps out of curtains I couldn’t get the window shut the water’s Rising I’ll get us out of this I’m not going to make it babe I I want you to take my hacky sack and and give it to our grandchildren Jeff we don’t even have kids kids I know that’s
Why I want you to take this folded up candy wrapper don’t ask me how I did it just take it and start our family it looks like this Corridor should take us directly to the main attic access it’s not a corridor it’s a hallway you need to stop with the
Architect jargon seriously look at me you need to zip it lock it and put it in your pocket D it’s Mom she’s going to save us we don’t need saving I’ve got this under control I’m here Francy Don’t Panic I’ll get us through this what St we’re moving
The stuff off the door just hang on that’s real good honey keep your spirits up I’m coming there there you’re safe now the wigs they’re all gone half of those belong to Brendan Frasier oh thank the Stars you made it come here I’ve got you oh bless you
Roger I was afraid I thank God this one survived I can still go to Cowboy Weddings okay one at a time the Rope isn’t very strong I don’t want to die here I’m supposed to die in the medical tent at a music festival Jeff no ow Jeff now we lost our rope Sor get a ho of yourself huh huh how are we going to get up there now
Get us out of here Mrs S no I’ll save us we uh we should open a window and flood this floor the rising water will carry us right up to the living room there’s no way we’re doing another one of your ideas Stan maybe we should what look I know
Dad’s decisions haven’t worked out but he is trying I say we open the window unless anyone has a better idea based in reality okay then window it is thank you Haley you’re welcome Dad Dad was wrong wow what a beautiful creature and we know so little about
Them haly oh God oh God that shark here man if they’re really attracted to blood then it’s in my room attacking the boxers I wore the day Francine made tacos just leave me behind I am bad in a crisis and it got Haley killed don’t
Give up Dad we got the window closed and we’ll find her it’s the ghost of Haley risen up from the depths of hell she has unfinished business with me leave me be Spectre no she’s alive why would you assume she went to hell Hy what’s in the bottom of your your
Mattress Steve so many of the girls are Asian and pregnant she’s not in here we should keep moving sh oh thank God it’s just a dead girl Roger you came back from me uh okay do you want to come to dinner at my parents house on Tuesday what did you
Find is it Haley no it’s nothing just a cushion we’re going to have lots of babies no no no no she’s not in here either where’s your father the shark got him Stan haly I don’t see any hay careful the shark let me go when
I jammed my one hitter in its eye but I think it’s still here somewhere hang on Haley Mama’s coming does anyone have Chapstick I got you honey it’s okay go go go we have to go Up we did it we out away okay according to the blueprint it’s hungry for flesh and knowledge don’t look at me [ __ ] we both know what this is It’s love forever love stand I didn’t see you there sneaky the sneaky boy is what you are Francine was
Right about me clous the farther away from the family I am the safer they’ll be there is look at all his they don’t sound very safe Stan you better get in there I want to but I’ll only make things worse with my bad decisions look Stan everyone makes bad decisions but
It’s a numbers game eventually you’re bound to make the right call I am sure look at Nicholas Cage he made many horrible movies Snake Eyes 8 mm Gone in 60 Seconds Captain Kell’s mandolin Wind Talkers Ghost Rider Family Man weatherman wicker man Bangkok Dangerous but then he nailed it Stan
With National Treasure to the greatest movie of all time he did nail it he nailed it so hard that he became a National Treasure two behind you my God if Nicholas Cage can recover from his bad decisions and make a great one so can I that’s the spirit I’m going to save my
Family this time I’m going to make the right call I don’t want to die yet I haven’t experienced the disappointment of being in a monogamous sexual relationship help has arrived it’s okay I let the Bear in to kill the shark their natural enemies since the dawn of Time you’re working in tandem they’re Brothers in Arms just the hiccup don’t worry I’m Nick Cage in this mother this time I’ll make the right call I’m going to electrocute him oh Stan I don’t Think don’t worry I’m on this next time I’m bound to make the right call you’re killing us Mr s stop stop it stay calm Jeff I’ll get us through this you have to let me help you Dan I know honey you believe in me again no you’re making
Everything much much worse now look me in the eyes I’m going to tell you exactly what to do you need to go out and get help no more decisions or ideas go outside and get help okay okay I hear you I really do but I’m not going to do
That because I have a better idea my old College Javelin remember I’ll Harpoon the bear and the Be Blood will distract the shark and we can escape [Applause] St No sorry about tranquilizing you Stan I I wasn’t sure who was doing the most damage down there it’s okay you did the right thing buckle you harpooned me I told you to go out and get help and you harpooned me I’m so sorry Francine I just wanted to prove I’m good in a
Crisis I failed Stan 99 % of the time there is no crisis and you’re a wonderful husband and father but what about when there is one it’s the man’s job to protect his family and you can honey by getting the hell out of the way and doing nothing huh do
Nothing Francine we both know I’m not going to do that wonder how much damage the hurricane did to the neighborhood H what a day tell me about it I don’t even know where the hell I am lunter self-defense a black and a white talking as if it’s
Normal Peter what are you doing you know me everybody shut up and let me think just let me think Stan have you oh man classic American Dad what’s the hurry nerd this year’s moisture crap is in I’d kick your ass if I wasn’t so confused damn it I should
Have said your mom’s moisture crop is in next time Toshi before we get into any of that I’m going to need to sample this year’s moisture crop like mother’s milk my space Blazer you you got the stain out yes sir and this little guy spit up
On it sometimes I just want to kidding your Papa’s little Everything it’s notron Buddy I’d love to see that Health grade go up from a c minus to an A or how about a free drink for the mayor a capri two sons Mr Mayor we’re back from the dilithium crystal mine what a hall this will power The Colony
For months God what are you children doing and why do you have that wheelbarrow full of dog turds dilithium Straight From the Source I forgot bags so I’m going to let this go but do not touch my dog’s [ __ ] Stan come see the new curtains for over the kitchen sink they’re gorgeous great news I found the perfect place to put my new Shark Tank I got it from a drug lord we busted but that’s why I want to hang these well you can you don’t put curtains on a shark tank
Because there’s never a time you don’t want to see them but where am I going to do the dishes use our new lawn sink mom Jeff and I are headed out to pick up some chuts they’re the hot new dessert solid chocolate in the shape of a donut
Oh I’ve actually been dying to try those oh I’m not inviting you it’s just I was supposed to pick up Steve at the park at 4 but now you have to because I’m doing chocolate stuff I never get to do anything I want around here I know and I’d love for you
To tell me all about it but you can’t what why not what floor spaghetti floor spaghetti floor spaghetti why don’t you put something on the jukebox Feel Like Making Love Steve we got to go Dad needs me to pick up aquarium rocks that match his shark eyes
But I’m laring what’s laring what’s a lar she doesn’t I can’t even what did you do in high school sorry Steve guess I was too busy scoring mad pole LARPing is liveaction role playing we create characters and then act out their actions in a fictional setting in
Our case we’re space colonists so you pretend to have Space Battles battles we we don’t have the stomach for the horrors of War you see we’re all fans of Star Wars specifically the First Act where Luke was a space farmer the minute he left his home world to explore his
Destiny I completely checked out um hello know your audience more farming please I don’t get it I just see a bunch of boxes in a dog park whoa whoa whoa you’re breaking the number one rule of laring never break the reality by questioning the lar oh I get it lar stands for something Oh this dude is awesome I’m surprised you’re so cool with all this fish death oh yeah finally someone I can relate to around here another true Alpha why are you always handing me this I don’t want this what’s the shark up to eating money between feeding him and
Other expenses he costs more per week than I make and I don’t like to brag but I’m doing medium Stan you shouldn’t pay for this yourself yeah well who else would all the people who come to visit our new SeaWorld are you suggesting we franchise a SeaWorld out of our home well we’ll
Obviously need to change the name so we don’t have to pay SeaWorld but yes you already have the main attraction plus you have a talking fish I’ve been working on my standup routine and I could be the trainer I have a good rapport with animals especially marine
Life it’s true she taught me how to use turbotech we’re basically there Stan let’s do it it’s the only way to save my Shark yay okay first things first we’re not a real business until we have a 3D printer obviously we should advertise over urinals in bars according to all
The empty ad space over urinals that’s the number one place to advertise now I know a lot of you are worried about the rising threat of a mutant versus Cyborg Galactic holy war but for now let’s enjoy our new Shake Shack everyone calm down we have to keep
The peace I’ll return this to the others it’s not where Steve he’s off on diplomatic business if you’re looking to kill time you could have a drink at my Cantina Guy Fieri came in once he emptied all our salt shakers into his mouth and called us a local hot spot
This field is for JV football only geek oh I I would never Dream Of intruding on your territory I’ve simply come to return your spherical projectile oh my who who am I kidding you serve real booze yep it’s everything left over from my dad’s wake that my uncle didn’t steal dark can I
Have a drink you can have anything you want want anything I want it’s been a long time since I’ve heard that that’s the beauty of laring take bar at home his mom won’t let him use the iron yet here he runs a successful imaginary dry cleaners this is a place of Dreams where
No one tells you how to live your life but you wow that sounds really nice at home I’m such a second class citizen I mean it’s not like I’m asking to be treated like a princess or anything I present our new princess France cetra thank you you’re too kind I don’t
Want that thing thank you Mom hey sto can you believe it the princess bumped me up to a B minus now I can cater cyber Mitzvah but the the city bylaws say nothing about a princess having jur jurisdictional authority over the Health Board a princess has authority over Everything it just seems like we don’t really need a princess since the mayor was doing such a good job remember everybody how happy we were with just the mayor you know what the princess has been dying to try that new chonut Place who wants to accompany their Princess to
The planet Chulas yeah we never go off world right guys now I’m laring as Ikea furniture our first stop is the international tank these are Swedish Fish their usual habitat is a bag at 7-Eleven next we have the rarest fish known to man The Talking Fish so what’s
With kids these days such little [ __ ] is playing games on their phone with a girl crushing candy you know what I played when I was a kid steal Grandpa’s playboys and the goal was to jerk off ah oh hey kids how would you like to swim with the
Dolphins real members of the 1984 Miami Dolphins Kowalski go [Applause] amazing creatures they’re actually the second smartest mammals on the planet due to their head injuries now for the big finale shark that’s it my uncle’s a drug dealer he has two just like this this is bad don’t worry Stan I know
His uncle Small Time [ __ ] no threat to my crew at all what no we’re hemorrhaging money maybe I should just get rid of the the shark or or you double down do I have your permission to buy a whale always I hope the laundry monster is
Hungry wait to do now yep morale has been really low around ocean land so we had ourselves an oldfashioned Chum fight it did the trick but I’ve been looking forward to laring at the park not happening Francine see you live in a fantasy world while I live in the real
World where I run a marine park out of my home to raise money to save my shark Steve can you give me a hand so I won’t have to miss laring today ooh I was going to get there a little early come on Steve your princess needs you here
Yeah the thing is here you’re not the princess you’re just a bloody underwear cleaner I don’t Know I need you to stop whatever you’re doing and have these done by five uh this is real laundry take my spaceship princess wasn’t expecting you to grace us so soon may I query as to what those boxes are for queer Away Steve they’re for expanding the colony
To other fields not covered in steaming piles of crystals space Mansions are you crazy if we expand we’ll intrude on the J football field you’re asking for war stop questioning your princess and step aside no I’ve stood silent too long I should have spoken up last week when you
Called the sandworm worshippers of which I am one a fringe cult but this endangers everything we’ve built you can’t do this no one says can’t to the princess for your insolence I hereby banish you to the jungles of gymnasia not the prison planet no y ducks are green TI Tai go
Long what the hell is this it’s bad enough no one comes to our games and we don’t get to practice on the varsity field we don’t need your nerd crap in our way our colony is Under New Management and like Charlotte North Carolina we are both fast growing and
Completely devoid of culture did Charlotte North Carolina just get dadded no Barry American Dad loves every one now that’s right America we want you to know you are loved except for you Bend Oregon filthy gutter trash I know money’s a concern but I discovered that when you open your
Search to whales with checkered pasts the price goes way down so is he dangerous no just a few misunderstandings but if it’s against the rules to kill a few people at a Canadian Marine Park then you’re going to have to fire me too no you can’t take them this is their
Home they’re going to be so happy you did such a great job with them we’re going to let you train the new Orca I I I mean I I didn’t do that great of a job you’re going to love kill Aon he’s a sweetheart Stan he came with a Rolex
We’re already making money off this baby I was thinking when we get back I’d like to execute one citizen you know as a show of power smart I’ll make a list of potential candidates just after the colony finishes burning The Colony no is there anything crer than when a father must rebuild his dry cleaning business people of of the outlands we demand space Justice whoa we’re in the middle of practice maybe you should practice rebuilding the colony you destroyed look lady you can’t put your garbage on our field and you can’t order
Me around I’m royalty no you’re a sad housewife who spends her days playing dress up bossing around a bunch of geks you’re you’re right now we have have nowhere to LARP well at least we got to lar long enough for Catgirl and glove nose to permanently confuse what I consider Sexual I know I messed up a cake gets messed up a Quizno’s bathroom gets messed up you destroyed a Galaxy mother I know you don’t care but I needed that place Steve stop lecturing your mother it’s Daddy’s turn Francine how committed are you to ocean land well because it
Seems your two laundry loads short of full commitment you put your clothes in the chum buckets with the chum yeah but you don’t have to wash the chum I mean unless we’ll get back to you on the chum I used to be a princess Jeez hey after a quick powwow we realized how ridiculous we were being about the chum of course we wanted clean hey Mom I’m sorry for what I’m the one who messed up your game destroyed our galaxy but it only happened because you found the true meaning of LARPing
Escaping from your life well I guess there’s no escape from me anymore you’re right it would be hard to escape from this dungeon we’re in because an ogre locked us down here to wash his clothes day and night yes and when the work is done that vile ogre
Drags me to his bed and fumbles with my bra strap until he gets frustrated and asks me to do it and then the real work starts and now my character is totally deaf a deaf slave whistling his tuneless laundry song No Steve you’re not a slave you’re a twice elected moisture Farm Colony
Mayor and you know what a colony mayor needs his Colony you’re right it’s time for me to be a man and reclaim my makeb believe village with the help of my mother okay Katon let’s let’s roll [Applause] Over oh my God Stam we have to act fast no [Applause] wow he’s a sweetheart folks wave to the crowd Kil [Applause] Aon I don’t get it what happened I may have an idea in order to afford the whale who was great right total Pro good
Value nice fine Roger yay we had to cut a few Corners um one of those Corners was real bleachers so I just made bleachers with the 3D printer I guess they just can’t get wet Roger I’m ruined Stan baby you’re not looking at the big picture I came into this with nothing
And now I’m leaving with a 3D printer and a Rolex a Rolex Stan a rodex this has been a disaster wait well well well well someone wants to get Korean barbecue with Old Coach malonis I’m here to ask you to give these kids the field back
What so they can run around in weird outfits playing makeb believe yeah look some kids dream they’re space colonists and others well they dream about being on varsity football we all want to be something we’re not so a housewife gets to be a princess and a JV coach gets to pretend anybody
Cares it’s true during games I wear a big headset like in the pros but I’m just listening to Phil Collins that’s okay we just need to realize we’re in this together and maybe we can even help each other okay guys I know it’s our first time playing in front of a crowd
But don’t be nervous it’s just like any other game except the entire galaxy is watching break H [Applause] hi princess you’ve shown the wisdom of a logic Droid and The Bravery of a oh I don’t know let let’s say let’s say moon lion and for that we make you clean with this Crown I pronounce you wait are those lithium crystals nothing but the finest for our Queen I just I
Just don’t get it there are pine cones everywhere you mean barium crystals those are worthless well now I must return to my home world to restore order I’ll pick you up at 4:30 Mr Mayor my Shark just swam out the front door did you set it free shut up and
Hang these curtains whoa what’s got into you I’m queen of this Castle now get to Hanging I guess none of the husbands in this neighborhood are getting a break today you’re free now go no Kowalski you have to go get on Just just leave me alone get out of here you stupid Fish When I joined the CIA I knew the deal if we make a mistake we cover it up like the time dick accidentally created feline AIDS and we covered it up by blaming it on gay cats but this was different this was too big to cover and bulock wanted blood now I’m
Only going to say this once I love Christmas okay two numbers left in the evil Santa gift swap number 13 Davenport choose a gift from the table or take someone else’s the Nicholas Cage stickers and Tin of bread sticks thing is still extremely available for a steal tough luck duper anyway Davenport
You’re up I’ll pick we have a picker it’s a pizza slic sleeping bag and the crust is a sewn-in pillow he’ll be king of the sleepover go go go go go a winning gift unlike the bread sticks which have effectively taken duper out of the game still it gave everyone else the
Gift of laughter in a way the only true gift okay my turn H the torure variety pack is tempting Heretics Fork metal spanker anal tiring brush it’s a barbecue s but who needs two of anything I shall pick wait there should be a gift here there’s no gift for me but but that
Means someone didn’t bring one what impossible it can’t be it is be who didn’t bring a gift and don’t try to sell me on the gift of laughter cuz that’s horseshit who was it who’s ruined everything everyone was a suspect only one person knew who did it but there was
One thing we all knew I’m going to this in the tushi hand me the anal taring brush no one knew who didn’t bring the gift or Worse what bullet might do trying to find out now I’m no chef but an unpredictable man in a position of power smelled like a bad recipe to
Me and I should know I’m an expert Chef L cordon blue class of’ 08 sir you seem a little upset you can always read me Smith I’m bloody outraged sir if I may it’s it’s only evil sent s only evil Santa only evil Santa and this is only a pin W every
Agent puts his life in the hands of his fellow agents and if we can’t trust our fellow agents all our lives are at risk I I see how it’s a big deal now sir I swear to you Smith I will find out who didn’t bring a present I refuse to live like
This office grenade oh no my whiskey stones they weren’t destroyed sir I know you want to get this guy but maybe you’re too close to it like a doctor operating on their own child or a person standing right behind another person sure listen you’re a busy
Man you’ve got the CIA to run and pins to keep in your grenades why don’t you let me lead the investigation well that’s not up to me that’s up to the hiring Committee of which I appoint you the sole member then I’ll hire myself those pencil pushers finally got something
Right thanks for taking me to get a new suit clouse I figure I should start planning for the spring Harvest Dance Now well it’s never too early to start thinking about outfits I mean I already know what I’m going to wear to your funeral my Insane Clown posy t-shirt
That looks great on you yeah no [ __ ] trying to impress a lady trying to impress all of them you know who never lacked her attention Solomon shant laba the most storied lady killer of the 1890s his secret an antique handkerchief the gentleman angle I’ll take it that’s crazy but it’s your funeral Bro Taking the case I knew what might happen to the guilty agent but I never imagined what would happen to the innocent ones look bulock wants me to crack heads but we’re friends so let’s just sit in here for 10 minutes and shoot the breeze
Oh great I don’t know why but I was a little nervous about this the only thing you should be nervous about is your golf game you can’t clam up on me punk I know you’re hiding something okay okay I’m the one taking dumps in the urinals I call it an inside
The park home run Smith good work dick that’s a funny name for it congratulations dick you are no longer my number one suspect you’re my number two suspect that’s a [ __ ] joke dick who says this can’t be fun styles thanks for dropping by bud when are we going to get back on that
Squash court I had a thought Smith never mind we can talk after your interviews I used to be a popular guy but if you leave no stone unturned eventually the stones turn on you handkerchief my lady you’re such a gentleman Steve we are a dying breed my mother’s
Always saying I should be looking for boys like you I super love my mom too a this may seem forward but would you take me to the spring Harvest Dance next weekend [Applause] I would love to maybe it’s time to put someone else on the evil Santa case it’s been months and you have nothing to show for it not nothing sir I have this I just need to turn one of these question marks into something I know yeah idiotic I didn’t know if I was
Impressing him or not but I did know one thing I couldn’t let him take me off the case because the man I was hunting was me ah damn you nasty I mean I meant to bring a present but I couldn’t because I forgot to buy one now I’m In Too Deep caught in a Web of Lies and it’s killing me killing you a Web of Lies is only bad for the fly you’re the spider for the spider the webs of PF
Changs PF Changs that’s a good thing that’s a great thing I knew I should come to you with this you’re the best liar I know I need your help all right I’ll get you out but you have to listen carefully and you’re goingon to have to
Lie a bit more if it ends this I’m in your hands perfect these are the same hands that choked Lisa Bonet when she beat me out for the role of Denise huxel on a different world that was a lie the role was created for her but I did choke
Her now here are a few crucial phrases to controlling a lie the first phrase is believe the lie you haven’t believed so you’ve been stalling spinning your wheels you would never do that on a real case I know bulock wants to bring in someone else and that’s exactly what’s
Going to happen sir I know how much this case means to you so I’m bringing on some help ACE Crouton Consulting detective now let’s get one thing straight I work for the case not for the cops not for him and definitely not for I’m talking to a chair why am I talking
To a chair sorry I was fired up so I came in and just kind of went into it don’t worry Smith I heard everything carry on we need wir Taps surveillance fans a satellite team and Bogata yes I love this new energy the entire CIA is at your disposal does that include the
Starbucks in the lobby specifically the employees specifically Greg ah you can have Kevin but not Greg bye Jim bye Liz you better expect a call on Monday for that lemon bar recipe boy your parents are Super Rad Steve you were great my parents loved you have fun
At the dance huh wait did I forget to tell you the plan my parents won’t let me date a sexy bad boy like Wyatt so I used you a sexless good boy to get out of the house she’s 14 and you’re like 25 buddy good luck picking a movie that you both agree On we just saw what she did yeah go ahead laugh it up no we were wondering would you do that for us my parents hate my boyfriend too I’ll even pay you will you be our little good boy Steve h a good boy front so first I get
The money then I get the motorcycle after I take the responsible Rider’s course then I’ll be the responsible sexy bad boy ladies we’re in business so will you do it h i can’t believe this worked what a rush the joy of getting away with a lie is better than a million helping people
Now it’s on to phase two of lying benefits I don’t understand this phase should we be looking for something the views Dan we use a helicopter for the investigation but we’re really enjoying the views the views now you’re getting it and this is just one of many benefits
The next is eat day eat day is just what it sounds like then there’s bone day you just wake up and start plowing babes on all day I’m not doing that I just want everything normal at work again fine we’ll go straight to the last phase the blame
Phase what what what you what are you doing Stan looking for the words the words usually appear yeah okay oh my god I think I’m losing it check your jacket pocket no the blame fa to accept blame of course I knew eventually I’d have to
Fess up except how no you just blame it on someone else I can’t blame another agent okay well not a living agent people in the CIA die all the time right so wait for the next one and pin it on them that’s that’s actually a good idea
What do you mean actually a good idea you say that like I don’t have good ideas I always have good ideas I am by far the most creative person in the family okay okay okay yourself guy sorry sorry I’m I’m I’m I’m truly sorry let’s just forget about it
I feel like I undersold bone Day Thanks for not trying anything Steve and I never Will you asked to see me sir tell me something good Smith I need it something good uh Big Daddy Jeff and the stoage are back on FM 931 I guess the stoe isn’t going to prison weight lifted and my heart needs it agent Davenport died on a mission last
Night Sir um I know the timing of this is tough but well I closed the case this morning it was agent Davenport who didn’t bring a gift to evil Santa Smith are you quite sure I am maybe he knew I was close and took it into his own hands
By tying himself up and being shot several times through the trunk of an old Fiat yes that makes sense but why he was still a great agent the best way to honor him is to not look for any soft spots in my story you’re all right you can pay for your Steve date
Experience with cash or credit she wants to know if we’ll accept a video of her getting her nipples pierced yeah look Jessica Steve would love to escort you to the winter formal but I’m looking and there’s nothing available you know what for you let me talk to my manager
Oh my God this never happens he’s making room for you I cannot stress to you how much this never happens if you were to expect this in the future you would be insane you’re really going to enjoy our Steve silver package it’s a drop off a
Picture and I’ll talk to your dad about model airplanes oh Steve you’re so nice it’s it’s making me so horny for Trevor oh you’re one of Trevor’s girls yeah he’s been hitting it pretty hard since his divorce we’re gathered here today to honor a man Wallace Davenport I think
You actually got me out of this actually what what the hell is your problem man beloved husband devoted father and oh I just can’t do it how dare you cry for this man he didn’t bring a gift to evil Canta I’m not sure if there is a hell
But if there is one Davenport’s there wrapping an empty box in his own flayed skin for all eternity but he brought a poker set shh you’re you’re Delirious with grief that was me I brought the poker set he was a coward he was a traitor whoa whoa who people please
Can’t we just bury the man and all the issues surrounding him you’ll never see a dime of his pension but we’ll lose everything this has gone too far Stan can’t you see no one’s getting hurt here hi Clare Prima no we’re never going to make it with bulock taking the pension away Katie’s
Medication alone and Katie’s Katie’s absolutely essential you know what forget it I guarantee you’ll have that pension Roger I just promised the CIA would pay Davenport’s pension oh bad lie Stan not a Roger IED lie but it is a lie so don’t be too hard on yourself how am
I going to pay her it’s simple you get a night job to support your new secret family I know a great place Ace Crouton you were supposed to find my missing kid and I’m looking for him her oh a Clue great now go on and get felt up by a delinquent he’s not coming he just texted me he’s sick Ton’s sick too why it’s dead Steve do you have that hiy on you no unfortunately I don’t tonight of all nights Center for Disease Control nobody move what’s going on right here
Hotone ah I confess I’m a good boy for higher sir he’s telling the truth who cares there’s been an outbreak of kador measles and levels are off the chart around this kid Mother of God wait why didn’t I get sick Conquistador measles doesn’t infect the sexually immature a class five virus
Going after a dweeb like you please but it could still like me as a friend right and and then maybe one day it could grow into something more than friendship Stan are you working late again I need you here to explain Kimmel’s jokes you know how the CIA is this time of year
With Toyota days around the corner got to go big mission St no personal calls last warning if you want to keep getting paid wait this is all any chance I could get an advance on my next 10 years salary what do I look like a bank no not
Really One bank and the Widow’s good for Life two Banks my body is full of Money Stan what are you doing here Roger you you sell sperm too sell hey you look like me this is crazy I got to get a pick twinsies God look at me look at what I’ve become lying has turned me into a horrible Gro tesque monster well you’re not having any
Trouble with brutal honesty right now I’m just not built to be a liar no you’re built to be a jerk double my order so you didn’t bring a gift led a fraudulent investigation had me desecrate a fellow agent’s funeral then sold your plasma and Sean until you were
At the brink of death that’s the gist I think the lesson is obvious it is I’m a better man when I’m honest also you never really escape a lie even if you get away with it jeez the lesson is to bring a bloody gift to evil
Santa a mistake I’m sure you didn’t make this Year a get it this Bozo’s right back where we started Merry Christmas from our family to yours wait a minute is this our Christmas episode what month is this right now the height of bird watching season there’s no place I’d rather be buddy 100% pal clous invited
Me to his black belt ceremony today told him to stuff it whoa a common brown breasted brown bird you think that’s cool check your six two common brown breasted brown birds and coming in slow from the east eight more CB BBS and a crow and a blue jay and a Russian spy
Satellite falling through the atmosphere it struck a blimp the blimp is out of control the blimp is caring towards the power plant Birds Steve a pigeon a Scarlet Tanager the one we’ve been waiting for truly a precious moment what the is that man stealing those bird eggs
Quick we have to follow him something terrible is happening here bird watching buddies take it slow cuz they’re the bird watching buddies and you know that wherever they go they going to be watching them Birds there he Is oh my God what’s going on here oh my God I freaking sat on an an Hill again there are ants all over me they’re literally ants going in and out of my dang mouth is there even one on you those weirdos inside are really into eggs though Huh armed robbery in progress with the Bobby freeze this damn 588 bit me S you’re going to need a shot piggy uh- uh-uh he’s got a gun get down I the gun La I will put you down I will put you down we saw a man steal a bird
Egg get the out of here are you crazy get the out and I think we’ll need to talk to your Superior about that language his language was even more offensive than that other man’s where are good citizens supposed to go to report egg related crimes oh you boys
Got an egg problem go to the oology department at grath College ask for Professor Elizabeth Hadley she helped me identify a strange egg I found on the bus it was a cadburry egg thank you you’ve been a very helpful prostitute prostitute how dare you I was doing
Insider trading and I got that on tape you no good kid set me up wait I get my hands on you we got to get out of this police station oh two for one on jalapeno beefers that’d be a filling snack for Steve and his friends after an afternoon
Of rollerblading clip it a dollar off Bon Giovani brand spaghetti sauce zesty Italian flavor H what if I bought this sauce it’s a good deal and it might taste good zesty it sounds a little wild but I like your old sauce with the ketchup and the apple slices I’ve made
My decision we’re trying the [Applause] sauce and then he held up the egg and all the other men had eggs too tell her about the ants Steve I’m not going to it’s good you came to me the man you saw is Commodore Francis sto he leads a secret society of Hoarders who illegally
Collect endangered birds eggs they call themselves the order of the hand and Nest people collect eggs I want to show you both something boy people collect everything these days my cousin Ira collects the panties of the different women he slept with isn’t that dirty I think it’s so dirty do you think that’s
A good idea for a cousin Steve the grath college egg collection we have to keep it under such tight security because of the order of the hand and Nest they’re always trying to just sneak in here just ask our air conditioning repair man he knows it’s appalling exactly wait you’re not our
Air conditioning repair man that’s our air conditioning repair man ha damn it that’s what I was talking about it’s why I formed a group of volunteer egg protectors it’s our goal to thwart the order of wait a minute we don’t even have air conditioning ha why are these people so into eggs I
Mean they’re just eggs everyone should be into eggs Nature’s Most elegant structure in here all Life Begins and all life ends I believe we go back into an egg when we die but where I choose to protect the eggs the order desires only to collect them they have the egg
Madness egg Madness the overwhelming desire to possess an egg it’s latent in all of us the more we’re around eggs the more we’re likely to snap I keep it under control though I still don’t get it I don’t get it either I don’t get how I ever lived without these
Wonderful wonderful eggs son of a [ __ ] I got the egg Madness y’all ah yes the ceremonial gong I got from Z Gallery has been banged the order of the hand and Nest is happy to welcome a new member singen St John retired Maritime lawyer and Avid egg collector oh Avid is a similar
Sounding word to ovam which means egg yes that was the [Laughter] joke I have an egg would you like to see it you read my mind well would you look at that I’m in H dog heaven over here a second gong is that rare no it happens every meeting oh
Well it’s still feels like I should be right in front behold the Egg of the logger head strike let the deoking commence careful nice and easy slowly real careful like I know eyes on the egg don’t get distracted the egg is collected I know you all probably need a
Second to reload but I can go again not a brag just a fact zesty Italian it’s Bon Giovani brand just give it a try lot of herbs in there I’ll throw it away no no no no no be still good sauce ma real good it’s got some kick to it some cly ones
It’s getting hot and zesty in Here my God I love this woman don’t you mess my hair you big dumb gorilla I am a man and you are a woman wow your parents are so in love I’m hearing this from you you don’t know if you’re coming to go and get a job oh
So help me I love this Man great eggs everybody did you did you drive here am I supposed to go or are we going to after party so it’s true you joined the order oh Steve you just missed everyone you Goose I saw them I saw everything through the window you should have
Tapped on the glass I would have passed you a deviled egg they were so good though I’ve never had a bad one I’m mad at you Roger what these are the bad guys they steal eggs from Birds you’re used to care about birds and I still do birds
Are great don’t forget birds are where the eggs come from yes but don’t also don’t forget eggs are where the birds come from who cares about birds we did come on Roger the tanagers are still in the meadow P I won’t just sit back and let you get away with stealing eggs I
Don’t care about your threat Steve I’ve got egg Madness I’ll do anything for an egg what do you want me to do kiss a man I’ll do it the madness drives me to do it Dave get off my property Commodore I’m thrilled you want to join the noble Army of bird Defenders Steve
Without further Ado I give you the egg protectors your water heater is smoking we almost died Steve I’d like to introduce you to I already know these people hi Mr Tuttle Mr Hooper Buckle great so like I said we’re a noble Army hello Steve I’m sorry he said hello and
Where I come from shut up there’s no time we have to stop the order before they snatch their next Egg and I have a hunch where they might strike next you guys know what rhymes with Thursday nothing it’s Thursday birdday birdday of course oh we have got a [ __ ]
Ton of birds loose in the studio and our Beefcake animal Handler Scott is showing us his Aven friends and this chest this bird is being weird she might be distressed she has a nest of eggs backstage backstage Roger sir there’s a man in there who’s stealing the eggs it’s only birds in
This room kid okay love birds lovely have a set beautiful morning Do’s Exquisite a snake kind of fat barn owl hold on Roger all right you caught me but there always next time Steven that is one sexy snake caught Steve napping are the eggs okay mvin I don’t think any
Of these are eggs man I’m having the worst day and here come the ants got a little something on your face buddy and I know for a fact it’s not egg that’s real cute pal can’t you make peace for Mama I’m making a big sunde gravy this is how you get along
You sit you eat you Brothers I’m going to crack you you’re going to be scrambling you can’t be everywhere the shell I can’t that’s too many egg things Steve you’re fighting it breaks my heart and too I got to run the sauce is beautiful mama as good as Grandma’s you can tell
Her that up in heaven when you get yourself killed doing whatever it is you’re doing out in the streets it’s not like that Mama you’re killing your Mother the protectors have never been such a thorn in our side and their timing couldn’t be worse I’ve received the news we were waiting for Helia atus centurius the Sentry eagle has returned to its nesting grounds on Skull Island Skull Island like where King Kong comes from no Skull Island like the chewing
Tobacco is that where the chewing tobacco comes from no they’re unrelated ow well then tell me more about the egg the Sentry Eagle only lays it once every hundred years it’s the rarest egg in the world H rarest I think we should and hear me out on this fellas collect this
Egg but what about the protectors and this terrifying boy that’s Galvanize them he keeps defeating Us in the field yes but what if we got him in The Nest huddle up here’s the plan why is no one huddling with me is it because I’ve been chewing on salami
Like it’s gum all right I’m coming over there pushed stay out nests for hours didn’t see the order once I’m going to turn in who’s stopping you then go go play Crazy Eights all night with your no good knock around buddies get off my back you wonder why I
Don’t want to be around you’re on the phone with Brenda for 3 hours every time I want to be with you in the bedroom your boys all of you little boys haly we’re listen to juli Roosa shut up ah what are you doing here you were
Getting in the way and we can’t have you ruining things on Skull Island so we’re bringing you along as a hostage tie him up don’t do this mom help I’m being taken to Skull Island if you’re going out to that Skull Island you got to eat something first I’m being kidnapped if
You’re getting kidnapped you got to eat something first I’m going to Plate up some spot How beautiful is this ship Steve it’s the commodor he wanted on the prices right you’re not going to get away with this I snuck on a walkie-talkie and alerted the other protectors how did you sneak on a walkie talkie I did repeated full cavity searches it was in my pocket
What a dirty trick the protectors are on their way hey Steve Professor Hadley got your SOS not going to be able to make it though long story short Tuttle and I are dating I never in a million years thought I’d find love again you know there Comes A Time in every woman’s life
When she decides she will no longer let herself be defined by her hepatitis hepatitis now let’s see what other Contraband you’ve got on you ow Commodore I did it again there it is oh my God Skull Island commodor it’s Skull Island commodor Commodore I know so where’s the centuy Eagle’s Nest
Anyway is it under this rock there a top that Peak the only Tree on the Island egg gentlemen gentlemen egg this is truly a momentous occasion for the order on this remote aisle we procure our final egg and at last complete our collection we have all the eggs do we have a turkey egg but first a small Act of murder you
Got it boss yeah no the boy oh my God me wait what we can’t risk him inter fearing like he always does you guys are weirdos not murderers we’re about to be both let the Deo King commence you need to charge the battery it’s pulling let me talk you through the
Procedure it’ll be completely painless until I start we’ll make a small hole in the base of your skull come on forget Steve look at that beautiful egg how can you wa so rare so precious it could be ours it could be mine only I would know the secret song
Of its shell Roger no save me I’m going to die oh my life it’s flashing before my Eyes What the hell is in that SAU I got it halia atus centurius laid once every hundred years I’m sorry it’s come to this Steve but this egg means more to me than anything in the world almost no you Fool [Applause] Well no harm no foul Steve that egg I need it oh great now Steve’s got the egg Madness Steve it’s only an egg it’s not worth although wow you’re actually pretty close I’ll give you some slack then try grabbing it lunge if you have to give it your everything we need that
Egg no a you [ __ ] wow the century Eagle we’ll put it in the Ledger when we get home First day of class I’m back baby oh I see no one’s discovered my secret parking spots surf Wheels Haley’s back did you see me see Haley sick trick Haley excuse me dear you seem very comfortable here do you know where the science trailer is freshman come on Roll With Me name’s Haley I’ll show you the ropes that’s the first one there are six more around campus there’s a lot of impromptu tug ofwar happening around
Here also Kick the Can pretty much any Trash you see lying around campus we have a game for it this the dining hall and computer lab you should hear the fan in that Gateway try open opening Al to Vista and Wolfenstein at the same time blow your eard drums
Out here’s a gym team’s getting ready for a big game [Applause] tonight A Foosball game you play you should try out for JV no spinning though that’s [ __ ] play wow you really know your stuff yeah well I love it here and I plan to stay
For a long long time hey Haley I thought I heard your wheels one more credit to go and you are out of here huh what that can’t be right I was going through school records and I found out you are one stamp away from graduating
But I don’t want to graduate and I don’t want to help my gross Mom get in and out of her dumb wheelchair but you know she paid for my house so you get what I’m saying right Roger I need your help well you’ve come to the right place I’m Roger did
You know gra is only a 2-year school I did know it was only 2 years but I thought legally they couldn’t call it a school they’re going to make me graduate and you don’t want to leave no I’m not ready for the real world look at me ah
Peter Pan situation well you came to the right place I’m Roger did I already say that doesn’t matter anywh who give me 24 hours and I’ll have your solution thanks I knew I could count on you Roger looking for Roger that’s me I’m Roger wait a second oh I’m cleaning with Jin that
Means I’ve had 14 pinea martinis and explains why my diarrhea cleaned the toilet I’m Roger so this is the room for rent obviously it’s got great natural light and a lot of shared walls paper thin that’s good because I play cool music dad what the hell this
Is that problem tenant I told you about oh hey hey it’s my little Bookworm about to graduate spread her wings and leave the nest Dad I’m not going anywhere actually you are family Rules clearly state after college each child will Forge out on their own without Financial or emotional support from the
Parents/guardians the emotional part felt a little cold but our lawyer at the time said we need to protect ourselves nice I could get used to this Roger you’re trying to steal my room yeah I need it made the mistake of renting out the attic as a practice
Space for ru’s SCA band they’re terrible how do you screw up SCA you’re supposed to be helping me sorry we got to drop everything kind of situation this room hasn’t been on the market in 19 years and the landlord doesn’t have a fraking clue what it’s worth plus I’m buds with
The guy in the next unit make it happen Raj whoa look at all these hot sauce packets Del Taco Inferno I always want to ask for it but then I chicken out of the window take them my car lease is up and I got to get this thing cleaned out
Before I take it in you’ve got a dent here returning it like this is leaving money on the table really but I could pop it out for you right here in the garage I used to be a little bit of an oil boy a what you know a wrench monkey
A muffler Humper a tire charmer a tailpipe Tony you mean a mechanic was that can you really fix the dent give me two days do you want me to do anything about the interior smell what smell okay I scheduled at 2:00 hey my number one senior sit
Down I have got such a good feeling about you Smith you’re going to make it on the outside you are destined for the grath wall of fame the what these are all the gra alumni who became became famous this guy right here went on to be the most prolific serial killer in
Virginia history these two his first victims oh and this last one is Linda Bloodworth Thomasson the creator of TV’s Designing Women she didn’t go here actually Cheryl I’d really like to avoid graduating totally understand between us it is Hell on the other side oh in fact
I got a clock into my second job at Yoshinoya Beef bow in 12 minutes and if I graduate I’m going to be homeless there is one way to stay here indefinitely but nobody’s ever pulled it off I’ll try anything fail your class over and over and then retake it forever
A forever class of course thank you holy [ __ ] I thought that was a poster oh my God was that my ex about yayi likes to show his entire gums can eat an entire Apple in seconds you know what the sad part is I’m probably going to take him back
Hey guess what I’m going to intentionally fail this class oh we’re friends can you drive me to the vet after this my snake is sick I think I gave him an old mouse we have to pick him up from my stepdad’s house he lives in the
Woods excuse me could you keep it down some of us are trying to learn Roger what are you doing here it’s lacy crinkle hole and I’m here to make sure you graduate this is about my room isn’t it sure is can you believe it the valedictorian and star of her High
School’s production of Pirates of pen ants is here to help you graduate you’re lucky I couldn’t go to Harvard because my mom got super sick don’t ask now let’s learn everything there is to know about Advanced Theory well sorry but you can’t help me if I’m in my Vans smoking
Doobie smacks Professor what if we had class outside today maybe in the parking lot next to Haley’s van huh well I would be closer to my car when class ends and who knows maybe Miss Smith will share those Dooby smacks with her favorite professor of advanced Theory Lacy crinkle hole right such a
Good student she worried about her grade so much it gave her rickets look I am failing this class and there is nothing you or your boring Persona can do to stop me boring does liking horses sound boring does reading the Clan of the Cave Bear 50 times sound boring does cting
Sand from every vacation she goes on sound boring well that one sounds boring but not when you see the little jars then it takes you right back to that magical summer you went to sand huh hey babe aren’t you going to be late for school new plan not going sure you are I
Didn’t want to wake you but I didn’t want you to miss class Roger get us down from here babe could you keep it down down and you’re hogging all the Blankets my favorite team is the Bazooka sharks we pay in dollars in Germany they use marks pretty excited about my slam poem how’s yours non-existent don’t worry Lacy’s got you what what is it different trees have different barks this poem is for Rosa Parks Miss Smith excellent
Work damn it how did you I was president of the AV club I did all the special effects for Pirates of pens ants in addition to starring in it the high school paper declared it this year’s musical hey Lacy this midterm is worth 40% of our grade does this look like an
A it looks like an innocent horse’s penis but hanging from a man you can’t turn that in Professor I was thinking what if this midterm didn’t count at all toward our grade huh I like that shoot but then what would count the final a speech that
Would count for 100% of our grade 100% that’s what we’re trying to get to and what if we do it in teams but only one person has to present and my partner is Haley everyone throw your midterms away cuz the coolest teacher in school is doing a thing Hey clouse how’s the dent looking what happened to my car you have to take it apart to put it back together it was a dent the dent I wish the dent was our only problem look at this air filter that’s a muffler okay little lady you
Listen to Car Talk a couple times and close I’ve got to turn this lease in fine turn it in now I can get you a bag what no I need you to put this back together oh so you want me to do my job I’d love to you’re back and forth like a
Windshield wiper hey clous your babes of penoil calendar came oh good good hang it in the very wet bathroom with no lock for this speech tomorrow this book says to start with a joke or anecdote maybe I’ll tell a joke and if no one laughs I’ll say it was an anecdote that’s
Perfect what’s going on Haley I thought you were trying to fail this class I can’t can’t not with you in my way you’re going to crush the speech tomorrow you’re an amazing oror well I was selected by my peers to read the Emancipation Proclamation at Disney
World in Orlando Jafar came up to me afterwards and said I changed his mind about a lot of things I bet you did see since this is my last night in Community College how about you take me out to one last Harrah some people from glass are
Having a little get together sounds good I usually like to go to bed early but I had three rotisserie chickens for lunch so I have a little extra energy to burn off oh cheese and rice Haley there’s alcohol on the premises what if the police come
That girl standing on the bed talk about your life being over oh my gosh I had no idea let’s get out of here Lacy wait is that Ronnie over there I didn’t know he was going to be here don’t you have a huge crush on him you should go talk to
Him oh God I can feel my rickets flaring up sounds like nerves you’re going to need something to help you relax alcohol’s good for that I guess I could have one to a chased kiss with Ronnie that’s not too bad makes my tummy feel confident and you look beautiful have some
More look at me go Haley I’m coming out of my shell maybe I’ll even let Ronnie hold my hand I sucked seven and I didn’t even get to Ronnie so did we pass well let’s see Lacy mostly talked about a party I wasn’t invited to the Seven Days part
Was engaging though how about this f+ no now I’ll never go to Harvard and make my sick mother proud she has the Bubonic plague thanks for asking by the way she was camping in New Mexico and some squirrel feces got in her [Laughter] mouth what the hell where’s my car which
One’s yours the yellow F-150 no clouse you said two days it’s been a month look I’m sorry okay I have a lot to do around here I just finished making sure the coffee is super bitter greased up all the Sports Illustrated and some jerk keeps lowering the volume on TMZ fine
You can have two more days two days ooh that’s when your Coleman beer caned Chicken roaster rack is supposed to arrive H too bad your good grip salad spinners back ordered for another week that could have been a cool combo for like a backyard party have you been
Spying on my Amazon account yes why I think you have an exciting account thank You listen up we have some unsavory news to share I’m going to turn it over to Cheryl my colleague here and at Yoshinoya Beef Bowl thank you my beef B brother okay this is never easy tragically last night Lacy crinkle hole took her own life she jumped from the clock tower
After unnecessarily dragging a long wooden plank to the top apparently she was until the very end so proud of her work in her High School production of Pirates of Penzance and one oh please you guys Don’t Know Her Like I Do she’s going to be fine and so in accordance with grath Community
College bylaws the partner of any student who commits suicide is awarded an automatic a no in lie of official grief counseling the school is partnering with Yoshi Noya to offer all grieving students coupons for brown rice at the white rice price now I’m going to tell you up front because we’ve had some
Issues it is a mailin rebate so come on down to Yoshi know you so we can get to Yoshi know each other here’s an apartment that’s perfect for us this is a photo of a cup I’m thirsty oh my God I just heard about Lacy that’s crazy I can’t believe you
Killed her I passed my class because of you oh my God the bylaw I didn’t even think about section 13A subset G but that would mean you’re going to graduate and I didn’t hire these shirtless movers for nothing let’s see if my stud finder is working stud
Detected ah the classic studf finder bit I know it’s a dad joke but I still like it it’s been two days give me my damn car which one is it CL I’m kidding it’s ready I’ll have my guy Bring It Around I know what’s going on in my shop
B did Steve learn Spanish I think you’re really going to like what we did what is that noise whistle Tips okay pay attention you’ve got an eight ball stick shift now very cool I know it was an automatic before it’s kind of a hybrid now for Gears 1 and two you have to shift but realistically how often do you use those gears we installed a nitrous button it’s not
Connected to anything but it’s there this is a disaster k clouse um check again I added a super super long antenna it has incredible bounce look how it catches the wind you don’t even feel Francine tomorrow my little girl receives her community college diploma color printed and laminated to Haley’s
Diploma it’s just a stupid piece of paper I’ve got a whole Rema paper I can print whatever I want on it you sure can but every day is your day honey today we’re celebrating the girl to Haley to my room to my new room hip hiip
Hootus oh don’t feel feel bad Haley you didn’t have a chance to beat Lacy she was possibly my greatest creation what she was the most boring uninspired Persona you have ever had uninspired she was Flawless she sucked she was an angel It’s a tragedy she had to die just to
Get you out of your room I Guess That’s the Silver Lining Lacy’s dead you keep her name out of your mouth H you’re really sensitive about this I’m sorry that I’m sensitive about sacrificing such a brave and conf Soul I’m so upset I can’t even eat my side salad look at
This pale tomato wedge I was so excited to eat it’s the color of uncooked salmon the most delicious color of all I’m going to take this okie dokie one more warm hand for your commencement speaker Mr giggles and his goofy balloon show I am sorry there wasn’t an enough
Time for him to make a hat for everybody and now your student speaker Haley Smith thank you this may surprise some of you but up until recently I didn’t even want to graduate I was scared but then I met someone who changed all that Lacy crinkle hole sounds like quite the
Young woman heard her mother was sick Lacy was the only person I knew who was more afraid and insecure than I was that doesn’t sound right exactly seeing how pathetic she was made me feel braver and more confident she lied to try and fit in she lied about volunteering she lied
About her field hockey triumphs she didn’t lie about loving horses she even lied about starring in Pirates of Penzance she’s entering Lial ter territory now but today isn’t about her in fact it’ll never be about her again because she’s as dead as she was boring Penance pensant we’re the Pirates of
Pensant we got treasure cannonballs there’s a pirate probably so Hoist the Tails and Anchors Away kiss your mom submarine where the Pirates of pen an a well received play Lacy crinkle hole alive change the transcripts Haley Smith fails Haley St [Applause] stays that was some [ __ ] haey I’ll warn you
Well game respects game for what it’s worth if you did graduate I think you’d be just fine on the outside maybe but I hope I never have to find out I got to bounce my character who gets trapped in elevators needs to get food poisoning first it really makes everyone I’m stuck
With feel the panic is that a Decepticon sticker clous huh oh yeah wow wow okay then I don’t know what to say other than this car rules and this thing is nitrous ready ready and waiting bye-bye bad guys this all looks great ma’am only thing I have to charge you for is this
Dent down here in the corner house oh did your goldfish not do a good enough job fixing your car hello Berry my bud we just wanted to check in before our jet blasts off we’re trusting you at the house while we’re gone honey just use your best
Judgment I judge these canopies to be delicious and easy to say canopies easy on the tongue in two different ways check it out for our quiet night in I made canap plops damn it Barry baby quiet night in canap plops what are you talking about we got your parents house
To ourselves your parents party house and Steve and Toshi leave tomorrow to pitch their boat ties for baby’s idea on Shark Tank we got a party it’s true Barry we must party this mini fridge is stocked with energy drinks no way those are my parents freak fuels for sex time
They’re off limits and your dad’s Hi-Fi stereo is begging to be played absolutely off limits my dad loves hisy stereo more than punani his words Barry nothing’s off limits nothing but why because you’re Berry you’re a pushover dude it’s like what we love most about you Steve show Barry what I mean you
Guys my dad speakers Barry chill it’s not that bad nope these are ruined forever it’s not I need you to run damage control on this one Shark Tank Jr has a strict no bad boys policy so Toshi and I got to distance ourselves from this cluster is that true Toshi no no no
No no no no no Toshi doesn’t really talk anymore we’re trusting you in the house Barry use your best judgment Barry you’re so screwed Barry Barry get your head out of the speaker you’re right snot my head should be in the oven I’m going to kill myself before my dad kills
Me hey no one’s killing Barry Barry look I searched Craig’s List and found the exact same model speakers restored JCL 100s no way there’s din rolls in here just text the guy hi I’m interested in the speakers you have for sale now we wait I heard you want to buy some
Speakers now we go uh I’m not sure that’s your your best look Stan what why cuz one of your balls just came out oh my God my old wrestling singlet is my most athletic garment and I’ll need it if I’m finally going to execute a standing back
Flip since when have you wanted to flip oh F you Francine you know I’ve always wanted to do a backflip okay whatever do a flip a backflip today it’s stretching flexibility and strength training okay now it’s both balls oh God oh God oh God you’re a cool dad
Stan well this is it ring the bell I was peeping through my peephole name’s Wally Robel but call me Robel um I’m snot and this is Barry mind if I call you both Robel just effing you I mean effing with you I’m an audio file not a pedophile
For crying out loud get in here all my neighbors are pedophiles So which boy is interested in my speakers that’d be me boy Barry watch where you walking I got speaker Parts all over the place last thing I need is one of you stepping on a woofer damn it now I’m stepping on woofers oh well guess as long as you buy
My speakers no harm no foul you are a serious buyer aren’t you yeah yes phew good I don’t like people wasting my time kicking tires this is kisi she also only likees serious buyers kisi huh cool like from Game of Thrones never heard of it I’m more of a
Big bang guy myself it’s what inspired me to live in an apartment well here they are my JCL 100s a lot of Blood Sweat and Tears went into restoring these babies they look great thank you thank you for saying that now for the demo sit sit so what did you bring to
Listen to uh I didn’t bring anything I suppose I can dig something up for you I feel stupid for even asking but you guys are huge rush fans yes Where call me the work Man may I offer you a craft Ice Cube Mrs S interesting shape Jeff is this an octaedro decahedron it’s Olaf the funny snowman from The Princess show makes my vodan squirt nice and cold I read that the secret to executing a standing backflip is building up loads
Of arm momentum boo you’re flipping on grass flip on the concrete nerd Haley’s right I need more at stake concrete flip it is wa I got the whole thing on tape that first backflip tasted so good I think I might have one [Applause] more oh I forgot to put the tape in you got to do that all again Stan they call me the working man I’m doing a dang demo ah you see that Bird’s crazy so what do you think boy Barry we got a deal well you did do
A really nice job on these but but you want me to throw in this Katana you look like a sword guy yeah I could cut your head clean off listen Mr Robo Barry just needs some time to think tell you what how about you run down to Starbucks talk it over
And call me in 20 minutes yeah yeah we’ll call you in 20 minutes yeah let’s go when we get to Starbucks just run in we only got 20 minutes pull the car over Barry you’re not buying speakers from that lunatic because I just found new inbox JCL 100’s cheaper on eBay but I
Said I was a serious fire who cares you’re a pushover you’re going to do whatever you’re told go on oh robo’s face timing me get your fat ass back here and buy my speakers okay Barry we’re not going back wouldn’t dream of it Barry turn that car around 104 no way
You got it get back here away we go keep yes sir heading to you just hang up you smarmy piece of garbage you were never a serious [Applause] buyer if that speaker has even one scratch on it you’re a dead man step on it A so I set up the other guy speakers we found on eBay and I don’t think my dad notices they’re different I guess I’m in the clear all right I’ll pass it on to schoy and this is his fat friend yep Barry can you come out here a minute I got to go
Baby we need to talk Mister you are in big big congratulations Z what I’m proud of you for keeping the house in one piece have a blast of air as a little thank you freak fuel’s all accounted for too and starting to kick in how about you
Quit making love to that high-fi teddy bear and funnel one of these bad boys into your dick hole h looks like somebody had a long nasty dank ass slip it was me Doc nasty as they come do you mind I’m talking to the slipper says here an oddly shaped
Piece of ice was responsible for this incredible incredible slip would you say it looked something like this yeah except a little bit up on this side and a little bit down on that side of course that would lead to infinite slip not that I care it’s just that would be very
Interesting to someone who devoted their whole life life to the science of slipping Dr slippy get away from my patient yeah problem I think I got everything I needed anyway Stan I have horrible news you will never walk again oh God do you mind because of the nature of your fall
You will only be able to backflip from now on I’m so confused why was Dr slippy here he’s always sniffing around the slip Ward looking for slippery things things to patent but Stan did you hear me you’ll never walk again oh God is he going to patent the ice shape is that
Worth money totally if he cracks a slip barrier then it would be worth billions I need to get to the patent office before Dr slippy but you can’t walk then I’ll back flip yeah I’m going to stay here he didn’t finish his pills doctor a truck full of banana peels tipped over
On the highway we’ve got 35 slip victims headed this way call my wife tell her something hilarious is Happening it’s just Dead Rob oh good it’s just a speaker a hello bar Dead Dad please tell me I’m having a nightmare I wish because then when you wake up my jcls wouldn’t sound so off they sound fine to me Barry they’re not even on still not to worry I got a guy coming to fix him hey there Buckaroo Barry what’s gotten into you
Sorry about that Mr Robble please just Robble of course I’m Ted mind if I call you Robel he gets it real nice JCL 100s I actually just restored a set of these babies for the second time whoa not so fast you’re dead that’s a good joke
H Robel was in my house not listen here’s what you got to do go to the police and tell them Robel showed you his dick no I’m done being a pushover and I’m going to do what I wanted to do in the first place I’m telling my dad
Everything Mike this Robo guy was stalking my son easy teddy bear I got this we demand a restraining order agreed my client will not come within 100 yard of Barry or his family in addition my client’s petition for visitation rights with Barry has been withdrawn I don’t even know why he asked for
That hey let me grab you a sec before that restraining order kicks in and I have to yell everything from 100 yards you’re still a pushover nuh I stood up for myself no not really no your daddy and his lawyer stood up to me but you no
No you did not stand up to me no no say what’s going on with your face ah never mind I don’t care bye come on poo already butthole motion at your front door cool well well well look who came crawling back for my speakers but if he
Thinks I’m going to straight up trade for that Sledgehammer well I don’t know today I could I’m feeling it who’s standing up for himself now the 10-sec delay kisi help call the police and tell them to bring toilet paper you sure you want to press charges
He’ll do some time if you do good some serious time for an unserious buyer doing time for wasting my time anyways you guys want to come in for some white claws sounds good Make them pay Robinson you’re getting out pack it up don’t tell me what to do this job’s the worst Stan it’s it’s been 3 months you’ve got to get over the fact that you couldn’t backflip to the patent office as fast as Dr slippy could slip there
But I’m the one who slipped on it I should be the flipping billionaire I’ll get it no I can do it well well well if it isn’t the man who couldn’t help me at all I’m here because I’ve developed a new technique that might restore your ability to walk
A new technique you say yes the idea is I fuse the L three a little higher over here and a little lower over here of course sounds groundbreaking now tell me Doc have you had a chance to patent this technique of yours I was going to swing
By the patent office right after I told you oh really excuse me I have to go flip somewhere I’ll be right back oh no you don’t okay okay we take a break from big bang what do you want to watch shk tank wow hi sharks I’m Steven Anita Smith and
This is my business partner Toshi yida and boy do we have something special for you Toshi looks kind of big I know what you’re thinking sharks this is just a drawing of a bow tie well imagine if this drawing was an actual bow tie and that it was about the size
Of a funsize Snickers bar well that’s smaller now in your brains imagine that funsize bow tie is on a baby oh my God that’s fantastic lucky kids you should have come up with that idea oh free lawn chair our Luck’s changing oh no kisi our Luck’s changing
Back wait you’re here too I guess when it comes to kidnapping I’m your second choice you know what I’m just going to leave I don’t feel special anymore shut up you’re both going to pay okay you sound angry I get that you got locked up for three months because of him but why
Am I here you started this whole thing by making me blow up my dad’s speakers I just wanted a quiet night in with canopies hey I said it right maybe to celebrate you should let us go I’m up for a celebration grab a bite ever been
To Bubba gumps shut up guess he doesn’t like shrimp Barry what are you doing I’m going to blow out your eard drums like you made me blow out my dad’s speakers C Oh please Barry don’t do This if you’re going to blow out our eardrops can you at least adjust the EQ D ry’s drums aren’t even coming Through it’s going to have to go louder for me I don’t have ears look no look closer classic headphones F listen I’m sorry we pushed you around all these years it’s not right I can’t tell what you’re saying but I want to tell you I’m sorry I shouldn’t have kidnapped and tortured you what what speak up I can’t hear you louder what are you saying I see your mouth is
Moving but I don’t hear anything I really just don’t have any idea what you’re saying are you saying you’re sorry I hope you’re saying you’re sorry doing what with who now quiet down there I got sleeping babies what a cutie let’s see here what’s your name Billy H mind if I call you
Robo welcome back to the 70th annual CIA Awards with your host Nicki Minaj when I was asked to host these Awards I was a little nervous maybe because I was thrown into a van and injected with mind control drugs damn this new Billy Crystal has the juiciest ass but as they kick in
It’s becoming a night of magical moments we’ve seen Agent Jackson when back wir tap sound mixing W ja and of course deputy director Bullock’s annual win for best chili and the winner for best undercover agent is Agent X wow I didn’t even prepare a speech
Felix Isabella you can go to bed now oh God I set your names on television pack your bags get out of the house make sure you’re not being followed that is is bringing this to the place we discussed and the award for most elusive villain goes to is everyone in position the
Falcon this is the third time the Falcon has not fallen for this and now the only agent who refuses to wear a towel in the CIA locker room duper nominees for best spy seduction are Tyrese Gibson for senior seduction Dick Reynolds for dictator’s [Applause] Horse and Stan Smith for smoking hot North Korean super spy we simply must stop running into each other like this red wine and Ever Clear you remembered or maybe I just forgot to Forget and the winner is Stan [Applause] Smith oh there’s so many people to thank but I wouldn’t be here without my Elementary School gym teacher Mr Ragin who taught me everything I know about seduction after all these years it turns out Stan Smith can’t be romantic you seduce the crap out of that spy no biggie I just
Put hours of thought into who she is as a person and what would make her truly happy then I gave it to her well how about you give it to me pass sexy Stan is just an act I put on for work at home you get the real
Me this little sucker was trying to make a run for it the hell you do Francine I think I feel a pimple on my back can you take a look can we do our gross stuff tomorrow I’m still hoping to get a little of that sexy swaave stand I saw
Tonight hey it’s not like you’re hot and sexy 24/7 either what about your nasty Jagged toenail that’s always scratching up my leg in bed you ran over my foot with your car and it never grew back right that was for a bit and it was hilarious this is exactly my point I bet
You don’t talk to Korean spies about their toenails of course not they’re Korean well-manicured feet are part of the deal I’m going to bed right after I just destroy the bathroom oh fancine you deserve better clouse were you hiding back there hiding this is a normal bull spot listen the
Reason Stan only romances spies is because spies have something he needs and you don’t that’s not true I have a vaginas don’t count they’re like all over the place throw a rock you’ll hit three last night was a doozy woke up in a pool
Of blood with my thumb up my ass I think I’m sleeping wrong and I brought Miss Nicki Minaj back here and had the squeakiest sex of my life or did I Francine honey I feel awful about last night I know you can’t be the same guy at home as you are at
Work so I came down to break me off a piece of sexy workst right here in front of everyone oh I think they’ll leave us alone when they hear about the double fudge brownies I left in the kitchen I get your drift you sly little minks attention everyone there’s brownies in
The kitchen follow me God I’m bored but things will pick up as soon as the mail gets here oh yeah the mail’s going to be a game changer I mean it’s the male the male always delivers guess what I’m into classic cars now screw the mail oh yeah that’s right I’m
Going to be one of those Regal Road dogs showing off his wheels in the Bob’s Big Boy parking lot a real pth pth stands for pop the hood we have our own lingo US Car heads car heads meaning car likers Roger this is so cool how’d you
Get into it well if you must know I was wheelbarrowing home from the liquor store when I happened upon a Vintage Mustang now normally I couldn’t care less about some old hunk of junk but something happened something truly amazing I mean what’s better than a thumbs up from a mustache guy I don’t
Know two mustache guys giving you a thumbs up oh no you don’t want that trust me the answer is nothing nothing is better and if tuling around in some old car is my ticket to thumb toown then vroom vroom baby vroom vroom I like the sound of that how do we get involved
It’s Classic Cruisers night down at the Triple B Bob’s Big Boy more lingo so how about we buff another coat of Sparkle on this baby and go get thumbed by a mustache guy vroom vroom oh Yeah oh my God we’re so bad at eating sir a thumb drive with the identities of half our undercover agents around the world was stolen during our brownie break well those agents knew the risks the drive also had a copy of your secret chili recipe we must stop at nothing to get
That drive back nothing but who could have stolen it The Jackal The Falcon who the beaver sorry frine are you talking to somebody I’m not Francine I’m a hot ass super spy with stolen CIA Secrets the beaver oh I want a cool spy name I will
Be the beaver hold on that’s my name no way we came up with the same spy name at the exact same time you were right clouse I didn’t have anything Stan needs but now I do or should I say the beaver does and once the CIA realizes a lady spy has their
Thumb drive they’ll send Stan to romance it away from her and her is me so it’s me who’s getting romanced by Stan because I have something he needs yeah I got it like five words in it’s not that complicated now I just need a website for the CIA to find advertising that the
Drive is for sale to terrorists I can make it I bleed HTML okay let’s set this baby up with a CSS on the back end tweak the GUI enable JavaScript register the site at G cities.com and voila clouse it’s breathtaking hold on hold on the cherry on top and it can’t be turned Off sure the outside looks clean but what about the engine so clean I can eat an egg off it I declare this vintage automobile perfectly mustard Roger look a mustache man he’s giving you a thumbs up and he’s got the bacon for your eggs sh shut the up
Steve is that Jay Leno yep classic cars are the perfect Leno bait see this wasn’t about Bob’s Big Boy mustache rides or whatever it’s about revenge wow Roger’s gotten a lot of use out of that dog catcher po great purchase guys I have a Google alert for
The word spies and a new site just went up ooh sparkly high tech this Beaver claims to be a hot ass super spy selling a stolen CIA thumb drive how are we going to get that drive back we’re not going to do anything we’ll send in our Heartbreaker Smith get to work right
Away sir oh oh stand in the chat room hello stranger welcome to the beaver’s dam watch out boys things are about to get Charming M beaver I understand you have a hot item you’re looking to share winky face a keyboard Casanova a lot of men want my hot item
Why should I give it to you you give me your thumb drive and I’ll give you my 6in floppy my God this is so erotic I know Stan’s finally seducing me although I never pictured you being part of it funny it’s the only way I pictured It there’s a masquerade ball on Friday be dressed in red and we’ll make a little exchange I was hoping for more of a big exchange how about an average sized exchange from a very attentive exchanger one with the stamina for up to two exchanges Roger this cage is supposed to
Be for the whole family but you’re always the one using it and why exactly did you need to capture a retired talk show Host simple I was flipping through my Revenge book the other day and saw his name in there whoa what did Jay Leno do to you oh I’ll tell you what he did the year was 1978 and I had a weekly spot at the comedy store I was an angry comic
Very political driven beyond all reason to shock people and in the audience one night was a young Jay Leno oh my God Leno stole your jokes yeah no now that I think of it he was actually just giving me helpful feedback I had a 10-minute bit about poisoning Jimmy Carter and Jay suggested
I talk about how airplane food doesn’t taste good instead that eventually led to my famous train food bit which got me kicked off star search because it was too racist so Jay Leno didn’t do anything wrong to you he’s in the revenge book Haley that means he did something that
Is worthy of taking Revenge upon Haley wonder what it was so Jay do you ever get nervous that you’re going to make a joke and nobody’s going to laugh come on comic to Comic shut up how dare you distract me from trying to remember why I hate You well well oh well if it isn’t Francine what the hell are you doing here who’s Francine Smith I’m the beaver first off that’s clouse’s spy name and second what the hell are you doing stealing classified National Secrets I wanted you to seduce me like
You do your spies when I do that it’s an act what we have is real it’s the everyday stuff it’s eating Bagel Bites while watching Shark Tank until one of us falls asleep now give me that drive fine my purse it’s gone and the dries inside it it’s the
Falcon hurry get the valet to bring your car and we’ll chase him I I I didn’t valet you know it’s free Stan but you still got to tip him maybe I should have married the Falcon damn it Francine the Falcon could be anywhere with that thumb drive the
CIA has no way to find him I’m sorry Stan but if the CIA can’t get to him maybe you need to leave it to the beaver the show’s called Leave it to Beaver if you’re adding words to make it work Abandoned Ship listen he knew I’d be at
The masquerade ball he must have been monitoring my chat room let’s see if he still is well played Falcon but I have even better CIA info than what was on that drive the Trap is set I guess we got some time on our hands how much you
Want to bet me I can fit inside the wall you owe me 10 bucks no sleeping I will remember what you did to me I think I know good question H who is the current vice president oh Stone Cold Steve Austin you know what screw you people
Are stupid that’s your joke that The Average Joe’s you’ve spent decades pandering to are idiots well we’re not that’s a stereo stripe [Applause] and there you have it the reason you want revenge on Jay Leno actually is humiliating as that was a casting agent
Saw it and booked me a role on NCIS laa it was huge for my career just just huge freeze ncisaa NC SLA hands in the air only in NCIS laa St man the Falcon replied beaver I want to buy new Secrets meet me at casino to discuss I send address well
Pack your bags beaver looks like we’re going on a mission huh I’m only at the stairs I thought I made it to the Kitchen I told you you’re way overdressed for Atlantic City now let’s get that drive back he’s not just going to give it to us that’s why you’re going to seduce him and get him up to the hotel room where I’ll be waiting sexy Spy fun no life and death work there’s our Man I believe we have business to discuss Mr Falcon shall we adjourn to my room you expect me to go upstairs with a stranger I am more careful than that before I go with you I must know is the inspection certificate in the elevator up to to
Date sorry to make it a whole big thing but I just don’t trust elevators when sign says certificate on fire at front desk okay guys this is funny this is really really funny like classic me turns out this isn’t my Revenge book at all it’s my autograph book and to think
I chemically blinded Michael chicklas for nothing so if Leno didn’t do anything wrong can we let him go now uh yeah Steve is he always like this okay who was in charge of feeding him guys come on let’s not let Jay Leno ruin yet another night well I’ll be eyes to the right
Kids huh that does feel kind of good maybe we should have done the classic car thing oh well live and learn here we are are all alone in my room oh God tell your partner to throw out his weapon and come out with his hands up Stan’s got a gun this isn’t fun
Anymore okay Falcon you got my gun how about slide me a magazine I’m in the middle of a monster D here and I’m tired of reading the shampoo bottle this is all my fault Stan I got obsessed with you as this sexy spy but I get it now it’s work and it’s terrifying
And I understand why you don’t want to bring it home it’s my fault too baby I’m sorry but I understand now even ordinary women deserve to feel special from time to time well right now I’d give anything to be home in sweatpants with the regular old Stan I know that’s it we
Know every little detail about each other like that you haven’t filed down that Jagged toenail in weeks what in the hell are you to ew why you do that so gross I good look stand your tooth Pin that’s what you get for picking a fight with the CIA and the winner of Best coup’s kill is stann and Francine [Applause] Smith we simply must stop running into each other like this Oh Stan I love it when you’re romantic and I love it when you taste like Bagel Bites good morning morning everyone it is a beautiful 72° out today has so much promise today C Berlin in 38 so many different people so many opinions a Marketplace of ideas anyway today in sex ed we’re asking our teacher anonymous questions it can be anything we want to know
That’s great honey you know Steve Legend has it that if you can stump a sex ed teacher you become the sex ed teacher there can be only one hey did you guys know that there’s a land mass made up of garbage that’s floating in the Pacific Ocean you
Shouldn’t have to go that far just to throw away that manly jacket well I’m tired of ignoring the world’s problems so today I start my new job for a local news reporter with a brand new show oh that sounds hard are you sure you want
To bother look this is my chance to get the truth out there about garbage island and so many other things people need to know the dangers of eating non-organic fruit and That vaccine Hy behind you damn it one at a time you guys this is why we had all those drills whatever
I’m going out there to make a difference oh come on I’m Genevie bance tonight on news glance is heroin the new cure for cancer what I don’t know about things will shock you and cut we’re clear you’re late you’re Genevie Vance I thought I was working
For a real reporter I am a real reporter I broadcast live to Langley Falls every night on channel 438 after reruns of the Taiwanese prayer breakfast first pitch meeting is this afternoon prepare to wow me you’re already halfway there I love that jacket is it yeah Cheap all right it’s time for me to answer your anonymous questions about sex I’ve had sex three times Kudos but that’s not a question what’s it called when you kiss someone on the toilet good question scientists call that a San Diego thank you is it true that during sex a woman’s
Uterus can create a vacuum like effect and suck a person up inside of it idiot hold up hold up I recognize this handwriting it’s Steve Smith’s loser hey Steve look [Applause] out okay story ideas now I don’t know where you worked before but Genevie Vance does things a little differently now
Pitch how about we do a report on the corruption in the Langley Light Rail now can we please get a bullet inter turn to make sure I always have bullets we had one we had one what happened to her oh that’s right she went back to
School she was great she’s going to do great things well I want to do an expose about garbage garbage island it’s a giant mass of trash polluting the Pacific Ocean you know what’s garbage that’s Story come on I need something juicy to boost my ratings I need a
Serial killer priest I need a vegetarian cop I need a senator cheating on his wife with a bagel all of you get out there and find me my John Benet ramsy but garbage island is a story that people need to hear I tell you what you
Find me a story that gets me ratings and I’ll let you report on as much idealistic crap as you want Genevie my bagel and I are ready to tell our side of the story you have my ears Senator today was awful someone spray painted Steve Smith thinks vaginas suck on my locker so what people think you’re gay I wish no one thinks I’m sexual at all because of the stupid question I asked in class my day was worse my new boss is Roger I wanted to make a
Difference in the world but he just wants a missing kid to sensationalize missing kids are so lucky I’d kill to disappear right now wait a minute what if you did disappear what do you mean yeah yeah we pretend you were kidnapped and we hide you away for a week Roger
Gets his missing person story and then I get to do my expose on garbage island that’s great by the time I get back everyone will have forgotten all about my ignorance of the fairer sex I’m not as concerned about what you’re getting out of it but
Sure i r Ed this cabin for the next week you sure you’ll be okay of course I’ll be fine jeez Steve four gallons of lubm you try living with eczema all right time to report a disappearance hello Genevie it’s Haley I think I have your story my little
Brother has gone missing Steve is missing how horrible for him but fantastic for us we can make this national news hey said I wasn’t good enough for television how Do You Like Me Now voices in my head there’s no pleasing you guys no not you mark You’re always super positive hard-hitting reporter truth
Seeker curves membership this is news glands with Genevie avans sad news out of Langley Falls tonight stunningly gorgeous high school student Steve Smith has gone missing athletic chiseled missing all we know right now is that Steve was last seen at home with his family and he is adorable this isn’t
Some ugly kid who went missing no this is a person who matters to fully understand the weight of this tragedy let’s take a look at some photos of Steve to the song it’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday from the notable Boys to Men album coie High Harmony
It’s too early to speculate whether Steve is dead or alive but when we come back it won’t be and now a word from our sponsor beer waterer you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him party unless you have beer Water beer water quench your sober this is great right I just saw the early ratings and we’re holding 81% of the Taiwanese prayer breakfast numbers yeah listen now that I got you your hot story I get to do my report on garbage island right yeah we’re definitely going
To do that th% top priority on my mind the hell is that and we have vigil look how sad everyone is I did this officer please find our baby boy we’re doing everything we can with the evidence we have which is no evidence but we will uh find him
Whoa a monkey holding a banana so many Beanie Babies here I haven’t seen before Francy look at this one it’s a bear in a bunny costume what are you doing in a bunny costume bear I’m here with the parents Stan and Francine Smith do you folks have a statement I just want my
Baby to come home of course you do but I’d let yourself want other things too I mean we’re at of vigil it’s not like you have those when things are going great if you’ll excuse me I have to go Comfort my wife now I bet a Beanie Baby would
Cheer her up like this one she might like this one this one reminds me of Abigail Breslin not so much the way it looks but it’s energy great work Haley this story is just what I needed I know but I feel awful my mom is devastated well yeah her
Little baby’s missing that’s the thing he’s he’s not really missing I I kind of staged the whole thing oh my God Haley you’re a journalist what sure we don’t report the news we make it accuracy is so timec consuming fiction is the new fact Roger these people need to know
That Steve isn’t missing okay I got to come clean on this you know what else has to come clean garbage island don’t you still want to do your report of course I do but my mom she’s so torn up look just let this ride for one more day
All right besides the more popular this story gets the more viewers we’ll have for your bummer piece on garbage island fine one more day all right I’m going to take a lap it’s super easy to take people’s wallets while they’re crying Justice Hunter philanthropist has a Gmail account this is news glance with
Genevie Vance been a tough day for all of us here at the glance Steve Smith has now been missing for 36 hours I’m joined by some of Steve’s classmates you look like the type of girls who do a lot of regret things how does it feel today knowing
You’ll probably never get to hit that sad Steve was really cute I guess I just wish I could have hit that it’s so important to have sex with people before they go Missing all those girls want me awesome the longer I stay in this cabin the more late I’m going to get yeah more volume I want it super big you’re doing a great great job I know I’m demanding but I’m working on it but it also got me where I am today so when
I ask you to make it super big I mean make it super big I will murder you I’m sorry work in progress God is not finished with this gal hey geneveve I’m all set to do my story on garbage island yeah yeah yeah we’ll get to it but first I got an
Exclusive with the parents wait what and we’re back I’m here tonight with Stan and Francine Smith heartbroken and parents of America’s missing son Steve Smith Stan Francine why did you murder your son what not ready to confess let’s look at some statistics 100% of the time a child
Goes missing the parents did it legally not a fact what are you talking about and where’d you hide the body we didn’t hide the body so you admit there’s a body why are you doing this I’m sorry it’s been a long week emotions are running wild can I get you something a
Beer water perhaps no thanks that stuff gives me diarrhea Stan are you close with your son no but that doesn’t mean I murdered him interesting can we play that back I murdered him you son of a [ __ ] we have to take a break beer water it won’t give you
Diarrhea just keep it natural you guys are doing great you’re coming off super likable Francine how many times did you stab your son none huh well my team and I created a reenactment of what we believe happened the night Steve disappeared you know what I’ve been thinking about lately how Steve is the
Worst yes I kind of want to murder him great idea we’ll use my Knife hey Mom hi Dad just coming in here to love you I forgive [Laughter] you gruesome stuff can you two stick around for my next guest yeah well please welcome officer Keith Benson what Stan and Francine Smith you are under arrest for the murder of your son what the hell we didn’t kill him we love our son wait officer please you’re making a
Mistake tragic after the break bulimia bad for you but is it good for your toilet find out tonight at 11: are you crazy you let my mom and dad go to jail now I know you’re angry but try not to let that come through when you do your report on garbage island
Which is now go um MO most people like to get wasted on an exotic island but this island is waste I’m sorry I can’t do this there than sheia Trooper still trying to save the world when just moments ago she learned that her parents murdered her little handsome brother they murdered
Her brother camera 2 they murdered her brother I’m sorry cut cut I can’t do This okay from the top Steve my Orchestra pack your bag Steve we’re going home home are are you crazy Steve fever is starting to build I’ll be dropping more panties and when Mr Bean worked at Victoria Secret haven’t you been watching Mom and Dad got arrested huh yeah this kidnapping is officially over
Unexpected twist it is with a heavy heart that I must report one of my own journalists Haley Smith kidnapped her brother and framed her own parents for his murder let her take the fall or you’re going down with her thank God we found him he seems to be okay at least above
The waist Steve did she do stuff to you oh God she did camera 2 she did what these are all lies Steve tell them the truth Genevie Vance is right my sister kidnapped me Steve we got a runner you cops split up and comb each side of the river don’t
Come back until you get her Genevie is that you it’s me Edward Edward no no you can’t be Edward Edward weighed at least 25 lbs more than you I lost that weight in the academy you look good Jenny I see you kept my name oh only because it was
TV ready I’m married to my career now you always were I got to go Eddie my story’s leaving and I got to chase it hey Sarge was that her I get it Now hey you mind if I borrow your metro section sure tonight don’t miss the Steve Smith homecoming spectacular hosted live by legendary reporter Genevie Vance with a special tribute by universally likable kuner Josh Groin ladies and gentlemen it’s the Steve Smith homecoming spectacular please welcome special musical guest Josh grin he was lost but now he’s found we just wanted to have him around he’s the stest he’s the stest he’s utterly Steve Steve the night we call you Steve in the night we call now you’re
Home stay with us stay Ste and please welcome my dear friend and spiritual guide Miss Genevie Vance thanks bres see you next month in Mexico I put your name on the room in case you want to check in before me and now let’s have a big welcome back for
Steve Smith and his parents Stan and Francine thank you for being here now let’s start with the parents how thankful are you that my accusing you of murder has brought an end to this terrible ordeal on a scale from 90 to 100 then 0 9y wow still an a they don’t
Just give those out and Steve Smith here you are safe free the nightmare behind you tell us what was it like to be kidnapped by your own sister well I I’m not sure is that right well maybe the teleprompter can help um I well uh I had heard that there
Was never a time you weren’t certain you were going to die every girl in that crowd wants you just read the damn prompter my crazy sister locked me up and made me kiss a raccoon on the M no that’s not true none of this is what I can’t do this my sister didn’t
Kidnap me I humiliated myself at school so she helped me hide this entire thing was staged and Genevie Vance was in on it yes I staged Steve’s kidnapping but Genevie Vance knew about it she had my parents arrested for a crime she knew they didn’t commit and when I told her
To stop she framed me too we trusted you you’re supposed to be a journalist I can’t read I depend on you wow uh uh everyone a big hand for the beer water [Applause] mermaid Haley I’m sorry I let everyone think you kid kidnapped me no Steve I’m the one who owes you an apology I just wanted to be a journalist and get the truth out there but I ended up compromising all my beliefs along the way I learned my lesson I’ll never be
Ambitious again Haley I have no idea what’s going on but it sounds like I should be proud of you that ballad was supposed to be My Candle in the Wind You dicks all right I’m going to do the bumper for the next few shows just keep
It rolling I ain’t doing this twice what household item could kill you in the next half hour we’ll tell you tonight at 11: easily surprised you’ll be shocked by what you learned tonight at 11: texting and driving how it may save your life tonight at 11: is Mario Lopez gay
We make irresponsible guesses tonight at 11: the results will shock him tonight at 11: teens are having sex younger and younger want to watch fore speee Foree fore fore for Spee fore fore speee fore fore for For fore foree spee
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