♪ Tell me all your problems ♪ ♪ ‘Cause they don’t understand how life can make you feel ♪ ♪ So just let the tears all go down ♪ ♪ Standing in the back row ♪ ♪ Looking over the cloud you see ♪ ♪ Everybody looks right ♪
♪ And everybody talks the same ♪ ♪ But I don’t see myself that way ♪ ♪ Don’t forget where you belong, where you belong ♪ ♪ Find your place before it’s gone ♪ ♪ Now you’re inside looking out ♪ ♪ Soon the things will turn around you’ll see ♪
♪ Say it if feels right not because it’s okay ♪ ♪ And realize your own fear, strip them away ♪ ♪ Sitting in the back room ♪ ♪ You’ve been too quiet too long ♪ ♪ Take them on ♪ ♪ Everybody looks right ♪ ♪ And everybody talks the same ♪
♪ But I don’t see myself that way ♪ – Ah, the last day of the school year. Today is the day we seniors celebrate graduation and move on with our lives. It’s also the day the entire campus takes part in the annual 24 hour party starting at 6:00 a.m.
I love it here at college. That’s me and my twin brother Evan. Evan and I are part of a fraternity and not just any fraternity, Iota Gamma Chi. By far the wildest fraternity on campus. We’re celebrating the last day of the year in true academic form.
Starting off with a traditional 6:00 a.m. pajama party, then a pig roast in the afternoon. If we aren’t passed out yet we’ll go take a couple final exams. Tonight we’ll activate the pledges and throw one last kick ass party. Sounds great huh? My brother and I are so fucking depressed.
We’ve been dreading this day for four years. We don’t want to graduate. This is officially the worst day of our entire lives. ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ La la la la ♪ ♪ Watching you shake the thing from the back ♪ ♪ All my homies in a state of shock ♪
♪ The way she fuck him in the back and make him pop damn ♪ ♪ This was a sight to see ♪ ♪ A strip show for free ♪ ♪ She packed it up next to me ♪ ♪ It was a grown man’s fantasy yeah ♪ ♪ My bad girl ♪
– Where the fuck is Jake and Evan? – I think they’re sleeping. – Sleeping? It’s 6:00 a.m. time to fucking party! – Yeah! – Let’s go get ’em! – Wake up, bitches! – Get drunk. Get drunk! – [Greg] Wake up bitches. – [Keggar] Whoo, yeah, party!
– Hey, you guys this is the final day of the college year. Also known as the last day of college partying. Make the most of it; honestly this time next year you’re gonna wish you were back in college. – Party, yeah! – The girls are here.
– No kidding, man, where the hell have you been? – I just woke up. – Scooter, you might make it to first base today. – Yeah, that’s very funny Keggar, you know, just kick me while I’m down. – Today is your day, Scooter.
– No, I have to get laid; I have never gotten laid. – I know. – Come get some! – Let’s get drunk. – Hey honestly, this is your last day of college partying for the rest of your lives. Make the most of it. – Hello. Yes. Hey, dad. What? No, some of the guys downstairs are just playing some music. Drinking? No, it’s only 6:00 a.m., dad. Yeah, you know I just don’t know if Evan and I wanna go into the banking business. Yes, sir. No, sir. Okay, we’ll see you and mom early tomorrow then.
Alright, sir ♪ Some of the kids are drifting now ♪ ♪ Love and living the smile ♪ ♪ Spin them around, just to flip them now ♪ ♪ Someone as sick as me ♪ ♪ Have them equipped till the sim was out ♪ ♪ Out of his system, loving the system ♪
♪ Loving the gifty givers now ♪ ♪ Running the distance never toss it in ♪ ♪ See me get my towel ♪ ♪ Wiping the sweat ♪ – Jake, Evan, want some beerios? – I’ll take some beerios. – All right. – No, no, no beerios; come dance with us.
– Hey Brandon, you got some beers for us, man? – Nope, but I got some shots for ya’ you fucking pussies. – Yeah, okay, they’re coming to dance with us anyway. – I’m not dancing. – No, no we don’t wanna dance. – No dancing. – Hey girls, you want to?
– Oh my God. – Okay, okay. – Okay. – Are you ready? – [Girls] One, two, three. – Maybe we could dance a little bit. – Dancing is my favorite pastime. – I love dancing. – Come on. – Hey. This is awkward, but I’m just gonna say it.
My friend told me that you think I’m cute and I think you are, like, the hottest guy on campus. I’ve had a crush on you, like, all year. – Really, Oh my God, I, I’ve been trying to ask you out all year, but I couldn’t figure out how. You know you’re really hot.
– Um, I’m not talking to you, I’m on the phone. – Man, this is bull. This is bullshit, six freaking a.m., I’m running around like a jerk serving drinks. You know what, I’m out of here. – Hold on, hold on. This is the last day, you’re not quitting now.
– Alright man, all right. I don’t know why I’m doing this though. I mean do you? – I don’t know, respect, brotherhood. – My dad was a Gamma Chi, so if I want him to pay for my schooling I have to become one. – You really believe all that shit?
You really believe all that shit, John? About brotherhood and all that? – Yes I do. These guys are great guys. We just need to get through pledging, you’ll see. – That’s not why I’m here. – So why the hell are you here? – What, are you serious? Pussy man, pussy.
Shoot, this frat gets laid more than any other frat on campus. And you know what I’m talking about. – Yeah that’s right. – Hey, hold on. Hey, hey, check out my boy Adam over there. You know what I’m talking about. – Here you go, Jeff. – Thank you, sir. – You good?
– Yeah. – Do you want to go up to my room? – I don’t know, what for? – So I can show you my baseball bat. – Ah, is it a Louisville Slugger. – Nope, it’s a Hong Kong Slugger. It’s a much bigger city. – Well, do you have any condoms?
– Oh yeah. – Alright, let’s go. – Hi. I live here. – So? – You want to see my room? – What for? – Well, I want to show you my bowling ball. – Oh, how many balls do you have? – Just the one. – What’s up, Stephanie?
– Oh, just talking to the Uni-baller here. Let’s go. – Anytime you’re ready, old man. – Keggar, my friend, you do not deserve to be called Keggar. Compared to me you’re just little old Jason who can’t drink with the big boys. – This isn’t 1999 anymore. I’m the fastest in the frat now.
– Fossil, I need your help. – I’m a little busy right now. – When then? – Okay, real quick, what can I help you with? – Can we please do this? – Pa-pa-patience boy. Continue. – I don’t want to say. – Well then you don’t get any help. – Today.
– Look, I can’t get laid. Just forget it. – No, no, you know who has thumbs that can help you get laid? This guy. So, hey, swing by my room a little bit later, I’ll help you out. – Alright when? – Whenever, later. – 10? – Sure, ah actually I’m picking up a 90 pound pig at 10:00.
Why don’t you come by at 11:00? – 11:00, all right, thanks. – No problem. – Can we please do this, old dude? – Son, I am gonna teach you a lesson in respecting your elders. – Elders, more like social security recipient.
– Now if you don’t mind my lady, if you can count us down. – Ready, set, drink. You got it, you got it, you got it, you got it. – Done! – No, we can’t, your roommate will hear. – So what, I’m going to tell him anyway. ♪ I woke up this morning just trying to remember last night ♪ ♪ I got this funny feeling things were not right ♪ ♪ I feel dirty, cheap and overplayed ♪ ♪ But it’s worth it as long as I got laid ♪ ♪ ‘Cause last night I heard you calling my name ♪
♪ Remind her what she would say ♪ ♪ I don’t want this to be a one night thing ♪ ♪ I’ll pretend I’m love for today ♪ ♪ Well it’s over, I’m sorry it went so fast ♪ – It wasn’t enough time. – What? – Four years.
Four years of college, that’s all you get. And you think it’s gonna last forever, but it’s not. Between today and the day we die we never get to go to college again. I walked around campus all last night. – [Evan] Yeah. – Everything seemed different. – [Evan] I know.
– The building, the quad, none if it seemed right. – It’s like they tell you, you know, find a major that interests you for a career. Nothing interests me, I don’t want a fucking career. You know what I want my career to be? Playing soccer for the school team.
And making out with chicks. You know, drinking beer. Walking around with my shirt off all day like an idiot. That’s what I want my career to be. – You know what it is? Suddenly we don’t belong here anymore. For four years they tell us this is your home.
And then one day you wake up and you don’t belong here anymore. You know what I feel like? – Yeah. – I feel like Lucifer. I feel like Michael is chucking me out of paradise. – This is the worst day of my life. – That was dad on the phone.
They’re letting us stay at home for the summer while we learn the banking business. – Oh yeah, that sounds horrible. – Picking us up at 6:00 a.m. – 6:00 a.m.? – You know dad, he likes to get an early start. I can’t do it bro. I can’t and I won’t. – Huh?
– I’m not leaving. – What are you talking about? – I’m not leaving and neither are you. – Dad ain’t paying for another year of college. You got 20 grand because I don’t. The school charges rent, you know, they’re not gonna put us– – I’m not getting a job, Evan.
– We won’t get real jobs. We’ll coach soccer at the local soccer camp this summer. – Evan, you’re my brother and I love you. I’m not leaving you behind. – You’re really staying? – I’m not going anywhere. – This is my home. – How are we gonna pull it off?
– I have no idea, but I know I can’t do it without you, bro. We in this together, 50-50. – Okay man, I mean, I’m with you 100%. I don’t know how we’re staying, but we’re staying. – Maybe we’ll leave college one day, but not today. – Not today.
– [Jake] Evan and I had less than 24 hours to secure ourselves a 5th year. We knew we needed some help. And if there was one guy in our fraternity that could help us, it was Greg Karanoski. The guy had been in college for close to a decade. He was a legend.
We called him Fossil. – So, we figured if anyone could help us it would be you. – You figured right, fellas. I’m an eight year senior. Triple major, quadruple minor. Currently majoring in the breeding habits of advanced primates. Basically, I have a quarter million dollars of education crammed into this skull.
– Alright Fossil, we don’t need your credentials. Just tell us how we do it, how do we stay? – How to stay. Gentleman, the following are sacred rules. Fossil’s commandments if you will. Rule number one, no summer classes ever. The campus is dead and nobody is around
And you’re even getting closer to graduation. Stupid. Secondly, I want the two of you to enroll in trigonometry. Trig is arguably the hardest course that this college has to offer. – Wait, wait, wait, why do we want to sign up for a hard class? – Because, even your parents
Are scared to death of trigonometry. Therefore, they will be supportive and understanding when you fail. Obviously, rule number two, take trigonometry as many times as possible. I have personally failed trigonometry five times. Now that’s 15 credit hours. I personally owe an entire extra semester to trigonometry. – Wow. Rule number three.
Beer is your friend. The more you drink the more you’ll get out of the college experience. However, somewhere around your 3rd senior year you should check yourself into rehab for alcoholism. But don’t worry, your parents won’t be angry. I mean you’re just a poor, young, impressionable soul with a problem.
They’ll actually think you’re growing up because you’re seeking help. Besides, at rehab the food is phenomenal and the babes, they’re fucking sluts. Tell Pam I said hi. – Alright dude, this is all great stuff, but we don’t have any time. We’re being picked up in what, 20, 19 hours?
– [Greg] Do you have any tests left? – Yeah, we have our history 404 final at noon. – Fail it. – What? – Fossil rule number four, fail your last test. Your parents have already paid for 99% of your college education. Do you really think they are gonna call it quits
Because you’ve come three credits shy? Fuck no. Fail your last test and you’ll be right back here next year taking that same class again in the fall. – Dude, that might work. – Of course it will work. – Ah dude, thanks, Fossil. – Fossil, you’re awesome. – Hey, no problem.
Now, are we alright here, guys? – Absolutely, thanks dude. – Alright, I do not mean to be rude but I’m gonna have to ask you guys to run along, Scooter’s got an 11 o’clock booked. Scooter, you out there? – Get back here you pussies, get… Can’t leave until the keg is finished.
Get back here. You, pledge. Why don’t you drink, you skirt wearing pussy. – Shove it up your ass bitch. – Give me those bag of chips. – Oh my God. – Give me those chips! – Ah, fuck. – I’ll shove ’em down your throat. – Fuck, fuck. – Give me those chips.
– Hey, Keggar is getting laid. – Yeah, give it to her, Keggar. – Whoa, is that chick French. Holy shit. – They’re fags. – Oh my God. – We’re spinning our wheels here, Scooter. It’s either you’re gonna take my advice or you’re not. I can’t help you if you’re too scared. – I can’t. – Sure you can. You just have to be smooth on the phone. – I can’t. – Women can smell fear.
That’s why it’s important that you act like you don’t care if she’s fucking the entire football team. Because you my friend are having sex with the cheerleading squad, the pom squad, their younger sisters, their grandmas at home. Everyone in the entire arena screaming for you, fuck her, fuck her, fuck her.
– I can’t do it, Fossil. – Scooter, of course you can. I’m gonna show you this once, but only this one time, okay. – Yeah. – Now, I’m gonna show you, but you have to pay attention. Now, what’s this girl’s name? – Kerry. – And what’s her number? – 616-555-3836.
Wait, you’re not gonna call her are you? – You want to get laid don’t you? – No, I mean yeah, I do, I-I-I mean– – Alright, now you want to go out on a date with this girl, let me set it up. It’s ringing. Answering machine. – No, hang up, hang up.
– No, no, no, I got this. Hey Kerry, this is Greg over at the Gamma Chi house. I’m just hanging out with my buddy Scooter, and he was just telling me what a beautiful smile he thinks you have. And then on top of that he went down to the gallery
And saw some of your work. Now he can’t stop talking about how talented he thinks you are. Well, anyway we are over here just watching my younger brother and his puppy. Well, anyway if you’re interested in swinging by with some of your friends, why don’t you give me a call.
555-9452, talk to you then, bye. ♪ You’re gonna get laid tonight, Scooter ♪ ♪ Panties are gonna drop, drop ♪ – Dude, we don’t have a puppy. – Who cares? Women love being lied to. – Hey, as long as I get laid. – Laid, oh you will get laid.
I think I know this chick. She’s put on the old freshmen 15, but let me tell ya, total freak. – Okay time is up. Put your pencils down and past your test to the left and forward. Results of the test will be posted outside my office. I’m gonna go to lunch now.
When I get back I’ll put all these through the scantron, so, the results should be up in about two hours. Now for all you juniors out there, have a great summer. Seniors, finally, your wait is over and you can join the workforce. Good luck to you all.
– How did you do on the test? – I think I might have got a D minus. – Ah, I wouldn’t worry about it. You probably came through with a well deserved F. – Yeah, you’re right I failed. – That’s what I’m talking about. Coming back next year bro. – 5th year, baby.
5th year. – Let’s go get some fucking chicks. ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Don’t let ’em take it all away ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ It’s getting harder every day ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Brothers, sisters, hear me say ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ I’m down on my luck ♪
♪ I’m out on the streets ♪ ♪ I’m at wits end and I’ve nearly been beat ♪ ♪ See they’ve taken my home ♪ ♪ They’ve taken my wife ♪ ♪ They’ve taken my job ♪ ♪ And they’ve taken my life ♪ ♪ But there’s one thing that they will not take ♪
♪ That I will hold til the end ♪ ♪ Until my dying day ♪ ♪ ‘Cause it’s part of me ♪ ♪ And it’s time that we say ♪ ♪ They will not take it all away ♪ ♪ Will not take ♪ ♪ Will not take ♪ ♪ Never ever ♪
♪ Never will they take it away ♪ ♪ No no no ♪ ♪ Never ♪ ♪ Never will they take it away ♪ ♪ No no no ♪ – [Evan] Hey, was that you mud wrestling? – Yeah. – I saw that shit it was bad ass. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, what did you get on the test? – Winston. – What’s up, fellas? – What’s up? – I’m pretty sure I aced the test and because my good old boy Brandon here copied off of mine, I’m pretty sure he aced it to. – You aced the test, yeah right.
– Bro, just because I can drink twice as much beer as you and bang twice as many chicks as you, does not mean that I’m not a 4.0 History major. – Hey, my man Winston here could ace that test in his sleep. – I think I did. – What’s that?
– Ah, um, look you guys want to know what the correct answers were on the test? – Yeah, tell me what was the answer to number seven? – Seven is Costa Rica. – I got Costa Rica. – [Jake] Me too. – Hey, what did you get for the last one, 1847?
– Yup, Yup. – What about the first one? – What was your answer on the first one? – First one, the, Belize 1472. – [Evan] Oh shit. – Look, who cares about the test, boys. C’mon let’s party. – [Jake] Here’s the thing, we tried to throw the test.
– But the answers that we thought were wrong were right. – We should have studied more. – Wait, why would we study for a test we were trying to fail? – Because you got to know what the right answers are in order to pick the wrong ones.
– Why did you numbnuts even show up for the exam anyway? – Hah. – Well, so what do we do now, Fossil? – Fossil rule number five, cheat. When all else fails just cheat. – Dude, it’s too late to cheat. – And when even cheating fails to work,
Rule number six, steal the test. Now, logically you would want to do this before the test but somehow the two of you have been defying logic. What I need you to do is break into your professor’s office, steal the test and change all of your right answer to the wrong ones.
– What if we get caught? – If you get caught, who the fuck cares? What’s the worst that can happen, they kick you out of school? They’re kicking you out tomorrow anyway. – Um– – What the fuck you guys looking at me for? I don’t have the test.
Get out of here you are. You’re interrupting my espresso time. – Pick the lock. – What? – Pick the lock. – What the hell do I know about picking locks? – I thought you knew karate. – I got a yellow belt at the YMCA like 12 years ago and I don’t know what that has to do with anything. – Use your keys then.
– Use my keys to do what? – To pick the lock. – I’m pretty sure I don’t have the key to his office, and I don’t think the wrong key is gonna work. That’s the entire idea behind keys. – Use your credit card. – Dad cut up our credit cards. Huh.
– [Machine] Friday 11:22 a.m. – [Greg] Hey Kerry, this is Greg over at the Gamma Chi house. I’m just hanging out with my buddy Scooter and he was just telling me what a beautiful smile he thinks you have. And then on top of that,
He went down to the gallery and saw some of your work, now he can’t stop talking about how talented he thinks you are. Well, anyway we’re over here just watching my younger brother and his puppy. Well, anyway if you’re interested in swinging by with some of your friends
Why don’t you give me a call, 555-9452, talk to you then, bye. ♪ You’re gonna get laid tonight, Scooter ♪ ♪ Panties are gonna drop, drop ♪ – [Scooter] Dude, we don’t have a puppy. – [Greg] Who cares? Women love being lied to. – [Scooter] Hey, as long as I get laid.
– [Greg] Laid, oh you will get laid. I think I know this chick. She’s put on the old freshmen 15 but let me tell ya, total freak. – Scooter. – Hey, Kerry. Hey, did you get my message? – Yeah, you know I sure did. – I’m really glad you could make it, we got some beer over here. – Goal! – Adam, those are holier than thous. – Dude, some of them are hot. – Um, is that alcohol everyone is drinking? – Yeah, do you want one or not? – I thought you said this was a barbecue. – It is a barbecue, do you want one? – We don’t drink. – Why not?
– We’re Christians. – Unpucker your assholes. – Why that is the rudest. – You know, Jesus turned water into wine not mango juice. – I’ll have a beer. – Jane. – What? He’s right. – You know, Christian girls are best on their knees.
– You know we should get that put on a T-shirt. – Shut up, Jane. – I’m thinking about going to the new gym in town. They have a lot more free weights there. They would let me in for free also. It’s good for them to have a big guy like me there.
I’m putting up like 310, 325. – I need another beer. It was nice talking to you though. – Wait a minute, hold on. Pledges. Pledges. Can’t you see this women needs a beer? – I’m fine really. – Get her a beer now. You two give me 20 push ups. – Why?
– Because I said so that’s why. Make it 50. – Jerk. – Great, make it 100. Just go until I say stop. I’m not getting laid now because of you two little cock blocks. Wait until you meet The General. The General is coming tonight. You, pour that beer down your dress. – Ohh.
– Kerry was just over at the barbecue. She came right up to me and kicked me in the balls. Your plan sucked. – Dude, calm down. This is great news. – How is that possibly great news? – Scooter, it is the primal instinct for the female
To kick the male in the genitalia when ready to mate. This is basically a sign that the female has chosen her male to reproduce with. – Fossil, that is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard. – Remember I’m an A student in my major. Breeding habits of advanced primates.
I’m like the Dalai fucking Lama of this shit. – You’re an A student? – Well, I’m a student – Yeah, right, let’s move on. – Look, you screwed things up, it’s all right. – I screwed up? What did I do? I did what you told me to do–
– Scooter, have you ever seen a women naked? – Yeah, yeah of course I have. – Who, when, where? – You know, on the T.V., magazines, the internet. You know, lots of times, dude. – Oh boy, looks like you’re gonna need a little more help than I thought.
I’m gonna have to really reach into the bag of tricks for this one. Do you have anyone else in mind? – I don’t know. I want to get laid but I really like Kerry. – You’ve already screwed things up with Kerry Do you have anything else in mind?
– Well I don’t know if I want anyone else, Fossil. I mean I really like her. – Oh, that’s cute. – Now, man up, grab your sack and let’s figure out how to get your dipstick into some oil. Alright, we’ll need some tight shirts, expensive shoes, tight pair of jeans,
Maybe a little man perfume– – What? What am I gonna need that stuff for? – Because you’re gonna pretend to be gay. – What, no Fossil. Fuck no. – Scooter, I pretended to be gay my entire 3rd senior year. I got laid more than carpet. You meet a girl, become best friends,
Go shopping, maybe get a facial, and then you give them the line, “I could never imagine myself with a woman.” Next thing you know they’re on top of you. – Congratulations bro, for the second time. – You know, who would of thought failing a test would be so much work?
– Hey Jeff, Jeff. What happened to your skirt, man? – Sir, Pledge Master Kegger instructed me to pour beer down my pants, sir. – Alright, that’s enough with the sir business. You can just call me Jake. – All right. – Man, that Kegger guy is a complete asshole.
– Yeah, he can be but you didn’t hear that from us. – Jeff, go up into my room, grab yourself a clean pair of pants. – Thank you, sir. Uh, Jake, thanks. – Are we really gonna have to really drown a kitten tonight? – Come here.
Do you really think that my brother and I would be in this frat if we did? Look, it’s gonna tough tonight, you’re gonna get through it and it’s gonna be totally worth it. – Thanks a lot, guys. Can I get you guys a beer? – Yeah sure, I’ll take another brew.
– Yeah, me too. Take your time. – Thanks, guys. ♪ I bet you like my hair ♪ ♪ I bet you like my style ♪ ♪ I bet you like and think that I do ♪ ♪ How could you not, you’re really hot ♪ – Hey babe, I’m Freddie.
I like your style, sexy. – Look, look, it’s not what it looks like, all right? – It’s all right, honey. I had trouble coming out of the closet for years. – I’m not in the closet. I, I-I don’t even own a closet. You know I have one of those poles on my wall
To hang my clothes on. Look this is just a plan okay? I’m not gay, I’m trying to get laid. Will you please just let me go. – Hey, take it easy, we just met. Let’s take things a little slower. And there’ll be plenty of time for loving. – Oh yeah.
– Hey guys, do you want one? – One what exactly? – Hey common, let’s go and make sure we failed. – Are the hot dogs done yet? – No baby and neither are you. – Alright people, excuse me, pardon me. – Coming through, coming through. – Hey what the fuck, frat boys, what are you doing? Hey my name is on that. – What the hell? – [Student] My grade’s on there. – We need to see our grade. – You said Winston was a History major.
– He is a History major. – Yeah, then why didn’t he know any of the right answers to the test? – You’re a History major, why didn’t you know any of the wrong ones? – Shut up, Evan. – Dude, you wanted to take History in the first place.
– Yeah, to take it not to pass it. Fuck. You know we had all the answers wrong and we failed, but we had to go back and change all the answers because of you. – You wanted to change them to, Jake. – Yeah, but I wouldn’t have wanted to
If you hadn’t have talked to Winston in the first place. – Dude, we both talked to Winston. Winston came up to both of us and said hi. – No, no, no, you went up to Winston and said, “Hey, what did you get on the test?” Yeah. – Fuck. Sorry. – You know,
We’re like 13, 14 hours away from becoming financial bankers. – Let’s go see Fossil. – So let me see if I’m getting this here. You originally had all the answers wrong but for some reason thought you had all the answers right. So you broke into your professor’s office,
Stole the test, changed all your answers to what you thought were the wrong answers but actually changed them to the right answers and then passed the test. Am I getting this? – Yeah, that about covers it. – How in the fuck is that possible? – I have no idea.
– What did you get? – A-. – Straight A. – So what do we do now? – Alright, I didn’t want to have to go in this direction but you guys got to get some scholarships. – Dude, I barely pulled a C average.
– Dude, I got a 2.3, and for the last four years have done absolutely no community service. I’ve never helped out in any group or organization in any fucking way. – Do I look like an A student to you? I don’t even know where the fuck I slept last night
But I do know I’ve got tons of scholarships rolling in each and every semester. – How’s that? – Rule number seven, hit on high school chicks. – Get one to ask you to prom. – Dude, were 22 years old, we’re not going to prom.
– Ever heard the expression off like a prom dress? I believe it speaks for itself. Well, anyway if you go to prom in a tuxedo and your date wears a dress made of duct tape, you can basically win up to $2,500 in scholarship money for college.
I’m the the three year reigning scholarship winner. – I don’t believe this guy, dude. No way. This is a load of crap. – No seriously it’s a real scholarship. Now I’ve already been invited to prom this year but just so you guys know I did invite a couple of high school chicks today.
Actually even a few hot ones at the barbecue right now. – No shit. – No shit, I’m the shit. Rule number eight. – You don’t have to be sober to cook. I am an excellent cook. – You can’t cook. – Ever heard of Fossil’s famous cherry pie?
– No, he does make a mean cherry pie, I’ll give him that. The man makes a hell of a cherry pie. – You’re damn right I do. You’re looking at the 2005, 2006 Mr. Cherry Pie Scholarship Award Winner. That’s a cool grand each year for college. – You can’t cook.
That’s not even a real scholarship. – You bet your ass it is. Basically I just bake a little weed into the pie, judges will vote for anything if their high. Fossil rule number nine, it’s not a lie if you believe it. Basically just tell a lie so many times
That even you forget if it’s the truth or not. For example I’m getting scholarships for Cancer, Leukemia, Tuberculosis. I even think I’m getting one for being a single parent. But it’s up to you guys to figure out what your story is gonna be, what the lie is gonna be. So, if you guys don’t mind, go get some scholarships, it’s time for me to take my meds.
Did I mention I have glaucoma? ♪ You told me I’m a real rat bastard ♪ ♪ I’m telling you I can’t deny it’s true ♪ ♪ But step inside this real rat bastard ♪ ♪ You be me and I’ll be, I’ll be you ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Hey ♪
♪ I’m proud to be a real rat bastard ♪ ♪ I’m proud to wear my scar upon my sleeve ♪ ♪ I’ll probably be a real rat bastard ♪ ♪ Until the day that death is my reprieve ♪ ♪ So love me as I wallow downward ♪
♪ Smile upon me as I stroll the avenue ♪ ♪ Walk beside me as I sing my praises ♪ ♪ Maybe someday you will be a bastard too ♪ ♪ Lalalalala ♪ ♪ Lalalalala ♪ ♪ Lalalalala ♪ ♪ Lalalalala ♪ ♪ Lalalalala ♪ ♪ Lalalalala ♪ ♪ Lalalalala ♪ ♪ Lalalalala ♪
– So, what high school do you go to? – Oh, I go to East and my best friend Joy she goes to East but now she goes to CC and she promised to be best friends forever but I’m not sure anymore because she’s friends with this girl named Paula
And Paula’s a total bitch and I really wanted to go to the mall one day and she wouldn’t let me go– – So, so your high school, does it have a prom? – Oh yeah. Wait, whoa. Are you asking me to go to prom? – Yeah. – Oh my God, oh my God.
Joyce is going to be so jealous I’m going to prom with a college guy. I have to tell her right now. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. – So, I was thinking about what we could wear– – Yeah, I got this pink dress with a white trim on it
And it’s going to cost about $300 of your money because it’s from a really expensive store I really like, but I haven’t even been there in years and I really want to go there– – Actually I was thinking we could both go in duct tape. – But duct tape doesn’t come in pink.
Besides I have this black tux for you with a pink cumber bun we’re gonna totally match and your twin should really go with my best friend, so we can go to this really expensive restaurant because I totally don’t want to eat and not look fat in my dress
And I want to get their late so I look like the shit when I get to the ball. – Do you have any idea what just happened to me? – Did you get laid? – No, my God, no I didn’t get laid. – Did you at least get close?
– Yeah, we got to first base, we rounded second and thank God we didn’t get to third. – Hey, second base, that’s not bad. – No, it was, it was with a man, you idiot. – Yeah that is a possible unfortunate side effect to that plan. – Did that ever happen to you?
– Nope, never. – Yeah, yeah I’ll see you. Oh, and don’t call Kerry either, all right. – I don’t want any more of your help, you got it? – Alright, sure. – You know I was kicked in the balls. I was, I was, the girl that I like hates me
And I was taken advantage of by a man, that’s where your idiot help has gotten me. – I’ll stay out of it. – Fine. – Have a nice day. Hey Kerry, this is Greg from the Gamma Chi house again. – [Boys] 26, 27, 28– – You pansies.
You think we’re being hard on you. The alumni are coming tonight. The General’s coming, he’s not taking any prisoners. – You guys just wait. We’ve been easy on you. Wait and see what it’s like to be in hell with Satan running things. That my friends is what it’s like
To have The General pledge you. – [Boys] 50. – Not bad boys, not bad. You, good effort with you, man. – Thank you, sir. – You two should learn from this guy. You want a beer, man? – Yes, thank you. Oh. – That looks like, does that taste good? Does it taste good?
– Yes sir, thank you, sir. – You’re my little bitch you know that. – Don’t just stand there, get a mop. Have some pride in your fraternity house. – We got to go see Fossil – Fossil. Do you ever notice that none of Fossil’s plans ever work or even come close to working.
– I don’t know what to do, Jake. – Yeah, well neither do I. – I’m desperate. – This is Jake. This is Evan. This is their last day of college here. – Dan, what the hell are you doing? – Oh sorry. This is Ushmad and Ashot. They are foreign exchange students from India.
– It is okay if we are to say hello to you? Oh, we are working on fraternity story. – Ushmad and Ashot are journalism majors and they are working on a fraternity story about life here next year and I figured I would give them a head start
And show them around a bit, is that all right? – Today is your last day of college, yes? – Looks that way. – Oh, you are very very fortunate. My brother and I must spend three years prior to receiving diplomas. – You can have mine. – I am sorry.
– So you guys stay here during the summers too? – Yes, it is very much a homesick time. We will not return to home for three whole years. – Yeah, to your parents? They don’t ever visit? – No, it is too far away, and they are very, very busy.
– So, these checks, you get tuition and living expenses? – Oh, oh yes, he sends full tuition, plus $300 each a month for spending money. – Tuition. – Spending money. – So, do these checks, do they cover room and board also? – Oh very much so, included in full tuition.
– Well, we must return to dormitory now. It was pleasure meeting you. – Thanks guys, we’ll see ya tonight at pledging. Come. – Bro, here’s the plan. – I enjoyed my meetings with both of them. – They very good. – Very nice. But Americans we have such misconception.
– Our country it’s not the same. – No, it is not. Oh! What are you doing? Get off of me! Get off of me! – Get this kid. – Get off! – Get over here, Jake. – What are you doing to me? – Jake! – What are you doing? – Let’s go.
– No, no, please, please. – Let’s go. Let’s go, let’s go. – Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! – Fuck yeah, bro. – Hopefully this will work. – Coming back. ♪ Today there’s not much left to say ♪ ♪ As the words on your breath make me ♪ – I’m really sorry about everything.
Yeah, I’m normally not that kind of guy – Well, you seem all right now that we’ve got to talk for a while. And I’m so sorry I beat you up. That Fossil though, talk about an A1 asshole, huh? – Fossil? No, Fossil’s, he’s a little strange, but you know overall a good guy.
He was there when I needed help and– – You’re gonna want to hear this. – [Greg] Hey Kerry, this is Greg over at the Gamma Chi house again. Just calling to invite you to our pursuit of worldly knowledge with handcuffs party tonight. Anyway, I don’t blame you
For kicking Scooter in the nuts this afternoon. The guy is a little wuss. I wouldn’t like him if I were a girl either. Forget about that loser, come over tonight. Handcuff yourself to me and we’ll have a great time, all right? See you tonight. – That son of a bitch.
– Do you want to get back at him? I think I have an idea. – All right, we need to find their student I.D.’s. Bring them back to Fossil and he can put our pictures right on them. – I wonder if they have Indian porn – Get out of here, Ushmad.
– Indian porn, Indian porn. – What the hell is this? Dude I found the checks, I found the check. What the hell is this? “Dear Ushmad and Ashot…” Fuck! – What? – Their grandma died. – [Evan] So? – So, they have to go home for a year.
We can’t use them to go to college. – Why did she have to die? No, no. – Every single rule Fossil had entrusted in us turned out to be a complete God damn disaster. Somehow we always ended up worse than when we started. It’s all over.
It’s five o’clock and our parents are coming in 13 hours and we have absolutely no options left. Today really was gonna to be our last day of college. Well, might as well smoke a bowl and get laid. So Kegger, Brandon told me you fucked a pledge today, dude.
– No, you fucked the pledge. – Oh yeah me, no he had his legs all straddled up around you. – Don’t listen to this shit. Don’t listen to that shit. – C’mon little bro. – [Kegger] Yeah pass it to the left. – [Jake] Yeah let’s go, pass it to the left.
– [Kegger] No, pass it to the right. – You know what, you’re like a 400 pound light weight. – Okay, okay, okay, so, I’ll see you your fucking socks and I’ll raise you my boxers for your panties. – Panties, let’s see some panties. – So anyway. – All right, yeah.
Oh yeah, let’s see what you got. – Okay, I got three kings. – [Kegger] Hell yeah! Go get some. – Not so fast, boys. Flush. Oh, yeah! Yeah take it off. – Fuck. – Take it today. – [Jake] Hey yo, yo, easy. Hey hey, yo. Jesus Christ, man.
– Wow, that dick is huge. – Oh yeah. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. – [Kegger] Is that your super sock that you’re wearing? – Oh fuck, Evan, Mom and Dad are here. Get up, get up, mom and dad are here. You fucking idiot. Get up, God damn it, fuck. Fuck, God damn it. – Where the fuck are my pants? – You just grabbed my fucking cock.
– Where the fuck are my pants? – [Kegger] Those brothers are gay. They’re so gay. Girls, what are we gonna do now? – I think you’re the only one not naked, lets go. – Ah yeah. – [Evan] Mom, Dad. – You look messy. – How are my soon to be graduate, boys?
– Mom. – Great to see you, son. – [Jake] Great to see you, sir. – Son, are you okay? – He’s fine, sir. – Mom, how are you? – Good, Jake. It’s so good to see you. Let’s go inside so I can start packing your clothes.
– Well, I thought that you and Dad would be here at 6:00 a.m., like we talked about on the phone, right, Dad. – I thought we allow your mother to get a head start on packing your clothes and moving stuff out of the room. – Wow, what a great surprise. We can’t.
– Well why not? – Because… Because we have a meeting across campus in 20 minutes. With a History Professor. – Really? Which professor? – History Professor Hughes. – Professor Hughes? H-U-G-H-E-S. – Yeah, that’s right. Do you know him? – Sounds familiar. But I’ve never met a Professor Hughes before.
– You weren’t going to see the professor looking like that were you? – No, no. I thought that we had left our nice clothes out here on the porch. Well, looks like we didn’t. We’re just gonna go inside and throw something on. I got a great idea. Why don’t you and Mom
Come over the History office in 20 minutes, you can sit on, sit in on the meeting with us. – Dude, we don’t have no meeting. Ouch, stop, ow. – We’re just gonna throw on some clothes. We’ll be back in 20 minutes, sir. – Son, we’ll just come inside with you
And wait until you change and then all of us will go over there together. – Well, Dad I thought that Mom might want to see the Flower Grove. They are in full blossom this time of year. Absolutely beautiful. Our college ranked number one best flowers in the country.
It’s gonna be dark in 20 minutes. Wouldn’t you like to see them, Mom? – Jake, it’s so nice of you to think of me. C’mon, let’s go. – Alright then, we’ll see in the front entrance of the History House in 20 minutes. Sharp. – Yes, sir. – Fossil, I’m in way too deep.
I told my parents that we have a meeting with Professor Hughes over at the History Office. It’s all a lie. How could they have showed up early? Life as a college student is finished, done, over. – Is Evan stoned? – You know, I always knew I’d have to deal with this moment.
But I feel like I’m at a funeral only it’s my funeral. – It’s okay, Jake. It’s all right. – What are you consoling me for? Your life is over to, you moron. – It seems your parents have shown up a little bit earlier than expected. – What, my parents are here?
– Yeah, snap out of it. I had to cover for you because Mom and Dad wanted to come into the house, it smells like a God damn reggae party. – You screwed up, dude! What did you do? – I screwed up! What did I do?
The only thing I did is save your ass. – Save my ass? – Yeah, save your ass. – No man, it sounds like you made things unnecessarily worse. – You know what, you don’t even know what lie I told Mom and Dad and you were standing right there, you fucking moron. – Enough!
The two of you are going home from college and never coming back again, ever. Now Jake, what did you tell your parents? – I told them we had a meeting with Professor Hughes at the History Office. – Did you tell your parents what the meeting was about? – No.
– Alright, now what were your plans once did get to the History House? – I don’t have any plans. I figured I’d just go over there and tell them that the meeting got canceled or something. – Alright, well do either of your parents know Professor Hughes or know what he looks–
– No, there isn’t any Professor Hughes, I made the name up. Put the God damn fish bowl down. – Okay. And are there any pictures of Professor Humes anywhere on the first floor of the History House? – No, are, are you listening here? There’s no Professor Hughes. – There is now.
Rule number 10, when all else fails impersonate a professor, forcibly if needed. Gentlemen, I am Professor Humes. – No, it’s Hughes, H-U, Hughes. – Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. All right, Jake, Evan, I need you two to head over to the History House, meet up with your parents.
Hold them off for just a little bit. I’m gonna throw on a suit and I’ll go over there as quick as I can and help you out of this. But you’ve got to follow my lead. – Get the fuck off, let’s go. – [Kerry] Gotcha. – What? What? Kerry, what are you doing? – You’re getting what you asked for. You wanted to hang out with me tonight, now you got me. – Yeah, yeah, tonight, later, um… Can you, can you please unlock me? – I don’t have the key.
It’s in my dorm room where we should end up tonight. – Fuck, all right. Just, just come with me. – But, but where are we going? – You must be Mr. Tanner? It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir. I am obviously Professor Hughes. – What the hell is going on here?
– Oh, how rude of me. Mr. and Mrs. Tanner this is Kerry. Kerry, this is Mr. and Mrs. Tanner. – Nice to meet you, dear. – I love the shirt. – You’re probably wondering why Kerry and I are handcuffed together. Well, we are handcuffed, this… This is for charity. – Charity?
– He’s lying. I’m a whore. – Theater students, great imaginations. What Kerry is trying to get at is, the school has decided to handcuff a professor with a student to raise money for cancer. – That’s nice. – Who in the world thought of the idea to
Handcuff a female student with a male teacher? – We believe in outside the box thinking here. Well as you both already know, both Jake and Evan are special students. They’re actually two of the tops in my class. – Must be a pathetic class. – Pathetically challenging historical wise.
Well, today I would like to offer both Jake and Evan my coveted teaching assistant positions. – Absolutely. – Yeah, absolutely, yeah. – Don’t worry about it, guys, you earned it. I’m actually pretty excited that you decided to accept the positions. – Does anybody else need a drink?
– Now is not the time to drink. – Just take a drink, Greg. – I don’t want a drink. – If you don’t take a drink I’ll scream and scream and scream and– – Fine, I will take a drink. Here. – I don’t want any.
– I’m not so sure that this is the best thing for Jake and Evan to do. They were planning at working at a bank. – Trust me, Mom, Dad, there’s nothing Jake and I want more than to be here next year.
– Well, I suppose, as long as it’s what you want to do. I guess it sounds like a good opportunity. What are you gonna do for money? Where are you gonna stay? When do you start? – Mr. Tanner, your sons will begin preparing my next year’s curriculum as soon as this Monday.
They’ll be here all summer, all through next year. And as far as some of your other concerns they… As far as some of your other concerns, they can live on campus housing for free. Otherwise they can, ohh… They… There is going to be a small fee of $1,500 per student
Just basically to lock in the positions for next year. That will need to be taken care of today. – Alright then, who do I make the check out to? – [Greg] That’s Greg Karanowski. K-A-R-A-N. – I thought your last name was Hughes. – Hughes is just a nickname.
– I’m so proud of you, boys. – Thank you, Mom. Thanks a lot, sir. – Well, looks like you both have busy schedules ahead of you. I guess Mom and I will head back to the hotel and leave tomorrow. – Thanks a lot, Professor Hughes. – And if you don’t mind,
Actually Kerry and I also need to leave. – We’re going to have sex. Oh, but it’s for charity. – I’ll tell you, these professors, they could never survive in the real world. – Yes dude, I can’t believe that shit worked. – Fossil, you did it, man. – Hey, no problem, boys.
– Do you guys mind? – Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we’re leaving. – Hey, can we just grab that three grand first? – I’m sorry, what? – That $3,000 you got from our Dad to pay for our room and board next year. – For you? That’s my 3G’s, boys. Cha-Ching.
I’m coming back for year nine, bitches. – Wait a second. You’re stealing money from our dad. – You know, now is not really a good time to talk about this. You know I’m about to bring out the ole Fossil bone, if you know what I’m saying. – I know what you’re saying.
Take another drink first. – All right. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out, boys. – It’s 10:00 p.m., time for hell night. Tonight we welcome back all of our past pledge masters. They’ll help us activate our pledges and bring them into the brotherhood of Iota Gamma Chi.
I think the old farts really enjoy taking a break from their lives to spend one more weekend in the fraternity. – [Pledges] I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi. I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi. I, I, I, Iota– – Stop! That’s horrible! – Pathetic! Let me show you guys why you’re pledging.
1965, the year my father pledged this fraternity. Pledges, how many pledges are there? – [Pledges] Seven, sir. – Pledges, how many actives are there? – [Pledges] 45, sir. – Alumni, how many pledges are there? – [Alumni] Seven. – Alumni, how many actives are there? – [Alumni] 45. – Do you hear that?
I can actually here them. You punk little girls need to pick it up. You got that? Now boys, you have the pleasure of meeting one of the founding fathers of this fraternity. Sir, do you have anything to say, sir? – I fucked every one of the Golden Girls.
– Are you guys ready for hell night? – [Pledges] Sir, yes, sir. – What? – [Pledges] Sir, yes, sir. – That’s more like it. You guys are gonna pay. The General is here. – That’s The General? – Smart guy. Start with him. Now we’re gonna pledge. Let’s go. Let’s do this
Say it, say it. – [Man] Say it, say it. Say it, motherfucker, Alpha Beta Gamma. Fuck you. – You worthless scum have embarrassed me. The alumni are here and they’re asking me, why have I turned you into such worthless pieces of shit. Why have I not turned you into Gammas? It’s all my fault! – [Alumni] No.
– Who will step up? Who will fill these shoes and turn you into Gammas and make you real men? Who will? I’ve been too easy on you. I’ve been to nice. – You dirty little dirt bags. I’ll pledge your butt cracks until they bleed. Do you understand me? – [Pledges] Sir, yes sir.
– Do you understand me? – [Pledges] Sir, yes sir. – Pledges, how many pledges are there? – [Pledges] Seven. – Pledges, how many actives are there? – [Pledges] 45. – Alumni, how many pledges are there? – [Alumni] Seven. – Alumni, how many actives are there? – [Alumni] 52. – Hey Scooter, get us some drinks. – Scooter, you have no date this evening, therefore you are the drink wench. – No problem. – Dad, dad, I’m done. It’s over, I’m a Gamma Chi now. – So what’s up, ladies? To try a brand new Gamma Chi? – Alright Fossil, some hundred proof vodka
And a laxative ought to loosen you up. – Drink wench, hurry up. – Hey, here’s a double shot, Fossil. And here’s one for you, Kerry. – Fossil, you old son of a bitch, drink with me. – Have a seat. – [Both] I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi. – Hey, mine’s just water, right?
– Yup. – Kegger, come here man, you were the biggest dick. – No, you made it, you were my favorite pledge. – I’m gonna be Pledge Master one day, I want to be just like you, man. – Yeah, make me proud. – You’re my fucking hero. – Make me proud.
– Hey everybody, the drink wench is back. – Head to head, shot for shot. I’m taking you on all night, grandpa. – Kegger this is not a hot dog eating contest. This is alcohol. You went down this morning, you’re going down again tonight. – [Both] I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi.
– [All] Iota Gamma Chi. I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi. ♪ Yo ♪ ♪ Get back ’cause I’m on the attack ♪ ♪ Haters they’re dead trying to break my back ♪ ♪ Please stand back, let me count stack ♪ ♪ Because I’m riding them twins at my Cadillac ♪ ♪ A matter of fact I’m breaking them down ♪
♪ Stay in the ground, don’t be messing around ♪ ♪ Best replay, I’m keeping her ♪ ♪ Keep talking that junk while I bring the funk ♪ ♪ Listen up close as I make you bounce ♪ ♪ Listen up close as I pronounce ♪ ♪ I verbalize, be surprise ♪
♪ Funky ass baby keep me hypnotized ♪ ♪ Gotta keep it, gonna move the crowd ♪ ♪ Got to stand up, stand tall and proud ♪ ♪ I got to win the street ♪ – So you want to dance? – What? – I said, I want to get in your pants.
– Oh, yeah, okay. ♪ Don’t know what you came to do ♪ ♪ Don’t know about you, act the fool ♪ ♪ Keep it alive until the day I die ♪ ♪ Get you in the ride, it’s time to ride ♪ ♪ I got to keep on the grind ♪
♪ Gotta to keep moving, can’t fall behind ♪ ♪ Crooks out there trying to rob me blind ♪ ♪ Can’t stop mine ’cause it’s my time ♪ ♪ Time to shine, I’ll making it hard ♪ ♪ Jaystorm rocking the joint nonstop ♪ ♪ Wait til this crazy ass album drops ♪
♪ Don’t worry about me, I’ma stay on top ♪ ♪ Believe that ’cause I’m versatile ♪ ♪ Flipping it up, switching up my style ♪ ♪ Nothing like this for miles and miles ♪ – We’re in this really deep, bro. – I know. Do you miss this much? – What’s that?
– This place, college, the fraternity. – No. I mean don’t get me wrong, I had a great time when I was here. But, I’m pretty happy with my life. – What about the girls? – Yeah sure, I mean, sleeping with a different co-ed every weekend, it’s got its appeal.
But I have a beautiful wife, couple of great kids. So, overall, no, I don’t miss it. You guys are graduating tomorrow, right? – Yeah. Well, no. I mean we were supposed but I think we figured out a way to stay. – Stay and do what? – Stay, live in the frat and party.
– I’m putting you into retirement, grandpa. If you want to quit, just ask for mercy. – Oh, no, no, c’mon Greg, you can do it, drink. – You know Greg, Fossil, whatever you call him. You think he’s the king of campus. I bet if you’d ask most of the students here
They think he’s a joke. He’s a joke to the alumni. You know I pledged with him. He’s cool to your face, but you turnaround and he’ll stab you in the back. – You’re right. He screwed over Scooter today. – He took $3,000 from our Dad. – I really feel sorry for the guy.
He’s stuck. He has no idea which direction to take his life. And every year that goes by he just becomes more and more pathetic and he knows it. – Oh my God. Wait Kegger, you were just drinking water like me, right? – No, hundred proof vodka, baby, all night.
I had to beat him fair and square. – You guys want to know what the secret to life is? – What’s that? – Make a career out of something you love. Something you have passion for, man. – So what do you do? – Me, I love sports.
I majored in sports management when I was here, and then it was off to major league soccer. Six months ago I bought an interest in the Chicago Fire soccer team. – You serious? The Fire’s our favorite team. Evan and I play soccer, we’ve been team captains for the last three years, all conference.
– I’ll tell you what. If you guys are interested, why don’t you guys come by the stadium, work out with the team. Give me a call tomorrow, I’ll put you in touch with some coaches. – Dude, we’ll definitely call you. – Hey man, I’m still a Gamma,
And I’ll do anything to help out a brother. Yeah, I got to get back to the wife. You guys take it easy, thanks for letting me stop by. – Anytime. – God. – Here, I got the key. You all right? – Thank you. We did it. Let’s get out of here.
– Here’s your hot dog eating contest, bitch. – Ladies, you want to get us some beers? – Yeah buddy, those chicks are hot. – What’s up Winston, Brandon. – What’s up, brothers? – How are you doing? – Hey dude, it turns out you’re not that smart at history.
– Actually man, I’m plenty smart. I failed that test on purpose and so did Brandon here, man. – What the hell are you talking about? – We don’t want to graduate. Everyone knows that if you fail your last final your parents will pay to send you back for another semester.
Bro, my parents paid for four full years of tuition. Do you really think that they are gonna let me come three credits away from graduation and call it quits? Not a chance, man. Dude, I can’t believe these two fuckers didn’t know that. – Bro, we’re coming back for another year.
– 5th year, baby. – [Both] 5th year. – See you boys later. – Shmucks. – [Woman] He shit himself. – [Woman] What a loser. – Hello, who the hell is this in the middle of the black night? – Yes sir, it’s me, Evan’s here too. – Harold, Harold who is it? – Nobody, go back to sleep. – Jake, I’ve been thinking. I’m gonna look into that crackpot professor’s credentials first thing in the morning.
– Actually Dad, don’t even worry about it. Evan and I don’t want to be teacher’s assistants anymore anyway. – Good, get off the damn telephone, let me go back to bed. – Harold, language. – Sir, we have a tryout with a major league soccer team next week. – Soccer.
Now listen, that’s enough games at 3:00 in the morning. I’m picking you and your idiot brother up at 6:00 a.m. and that’s the end of it. – No sir, we’re going our own way and that’s the end of it, so make sure that you cancel that check. – You’re going your own way.
– Yes, sir. – You know this is the first time you ever stood up to me. Finally grew up a little bit huh. Well I guess the banking business isn’t going anywhere. You give your mother a call tomorrow afternoon. – We will. – And, Jake. – Sir.
– You give me a call after those soccer tryouts. If you put your mind to it you can do it, you and Evan both. – He actually took it all right. – Hey what time is it? – It’s about 3:00 a.m. – You think there’s any chicks left downstairs?
– A couple drunk ones. – Works for me. – Me too. – Idiot kids. – You can have me if you want me. – I’m a little nervous. – It will come naturally. – [Scooter] Is it okay? – [Kerry] Mm-hmm. – I’m a man! – Hey. Hey. – Evan, what’s up, man? – I was thinking, man. We should have one more game while we’re still in college. – All right. – Let’s go. – So that’s it, that’s our story. I’d like to tell you that we went on
Played major league soccer in Chicago. Maybe we’ll make the team, maybe we won’t. I don’t know what’s gonna happen next. But I’ll tell you this much, whatever happens, we will never end up like Fossil with a dick in our mouths. ♪ Hey, summer’s just beginning ♪
♪ Hey, take the country girl swimming ♪ ♪ This is popsicle, this is where it happen ♪ ♪ Everyone’s feeling it ♪ – Hey, good luck with those soccer tryouts. – I know. – I know you’ll do a good job. – I hope so, I’m really excited. – Oh! – Good God!
– [Both] Idiot! – Hey, by the way, your grandma’s dead. – [Ushmad And Ashot] Grandma! – We’re on camera. – Oh my God. – We’re on TV. – Oh my God. – Where the fuck is Jake and Evan? – I think they’re sleeping. – Sleeping? – Nope, but I got some shots for ya you fucking pussies. – [Both] I, I, I, Iota Gamma Chi. – Burns. – Hair growing. – Chest. – Scooter. – I’m sorry. – I live in a retirement home. I fucked all the women there. There’s one who’s real animal lover. And I always do her doggy style. Bark, you bitch. – Oh, oh, oh. – There’s another one, she’s so wrinkled, it’s like having sex with a prune. – Hey, kids. I need my smoking coach.
– The other one’s kind of tall and manly, it’s kind of hard to have sex with as her dick always gets in the way. – If there ever was a time I could take down the swordsman on top of the castle it would be now. – I am the midget of the world.
– There’s no chance you would have eaten my gold now. – Take my bouncy ball. – I alluded your balls to bounce. – Some beer, my friends. Want some beer? – Are the hot dogs done yet? – No, and neither are you. I have two penises. – [Woman] I said hotdogs again.
– She said hotdogs, that’s why. – 300 men would steal… – I will stab you, bitch. I will stab you. – Take things a little slower. And there will be plenty of time for loving. I’m not actually licking his ear. – This guy is gonna be pissed we played with his dolls.
source
