We together here are actually the opposite of what’s happening in um the world according to the Surgeon General Dr V Murthy you know he says that there’s an epidemic of loneliness and isolation I had seen that also in my practice like one of the studies I don’t know if it was from the
Surgeon journal or something else I read talked about the people who spent like an hour compared to the people who spent multiple hours and over that time those people were actually more lonely because the social media connections were for the most part more superficial welcome to the road to Soul
Joy Wellness where a coach and a therapist explore the journey to living your best life on purpose here are Joy Williams and N hner your host good morning naen good morning Joy new day new start yes it is a great day we together here are actually the opposite of what’s
Happening in um the world according to the Surgeon General Dr V Murthy you know he says that there’s an epidemic of loneliness and isolation sounds tragic which people became more aware of as a result of the pandemic and I I had seen that also in my practice about people just really
Realizing that that they’re more alone and I and and as I think about it it’s really not younger people like people in their 20s 40s and over are identifying a more of a sense of loneliness because those our relationships were never made virtually they were made in
Person um and it’s it’s an interesting thing to for for people who are more mature about making these new connections and what does that look like so I don’t know I don’t know that you know if you would count personto person if people would be more less personto
Person contact in their lives but maybe it’s just how those relationships are being formed yeah and also I think deep relationships but even younger people I think part of the problem is the the younger people who spend a lot of time on social media are the lonier ones the
Ones who spend less time what like one of the studies I don’t know if it was from the surgeon joural or something else I read talked about the people who spent like an hour compared to the people who spent multiple hours and over that time those people were actually more lonely
Because the social media connections were for the most part more superficial were were disconnected but for people in their 40s and and above yeah I think the the um putting themselves in the space of social media and and other Zoom connections and all those things that we
Did during the pandemic made them real some of them realize how lonely they are I think that makes perfect sense I know the pandemic forced a lot of people to a lot of opportunity for people to be still and think Joy I have this wonderful saying this my quote for the
Day scale up your love why only love one person when you can fall in love with the whole universe by sad Guru naan I think yours goes with mine it’s ecclesiastics 49 and 10 New Living Translation it is two people are better off than one for they can help each other
Succeed if one person falls the other can reach out and help but someone who falls alone is in real trouble I like that that’s where it starts with two and then we fall in love with the universe yes and we definitely need each other absolutely and and analyze the lives
Right when you are trying to make connections with people and you realize that when you look in your Rolodex the names are are not the names don’t have any significant connection um and also what you you realize too is that we’re in a in a time where more people are moving away right
People grow up they move away from where they are you it’s you you don’t really find people are staying so anchored into the communities or not so but so so I feel like part of the loneliness is because people are now worldwide we have become a world we have always been
Worldwide Commerce but I feel like it’s to another degree so if when the pandemic broke out and if you were in you know like for me I grew up in New York if I was in New York all Island it may not I I I would have had
More contact because my my my circle my bubble would have been more expensive my bubble here in Florida during the pandemic was limited to the people on my street right and I would say it was probably about five or six people or families that we kind of created a bubble so I’m wondering
Because I haven’t done any scientific study or research on it but um and I’m speaking very high level intui intuitively about this I’m wondering if that loneliness is part of the worldwide Commerce that we are all engaging in where people now are living more people are moving
Outside of where they grew up and I know and and yes there are a lot more jobs and opportunities where you can be virtual like we do this virtually like you are not sitting next to me but I’m just wondering if that plays a part in
It help it yeah I think it probably does I think the the one part you were talking about because when we when we talk about uh isolation and then loneliness so isolation isolation is the objective measure of not having connections so they’re no they’re they’re not people like in that rodex
They’re not organizations you belong to and then the loneliness is your your feeling of it so you could feel lonely in a room because you have you have you’re socially disconnected from those people so I think I think some of that comes together like that that people are
Really um not in those spaces I also feel that that the busyness of life and people focusing on their work because even if you’re working remotely right you’re so busy you you um you you focus on your work and thinking that all those people will be there and that you
Haven’t developed or nurtured a relationship so I think as an adult we have to focus more on that I think when we were in school you would see people all the time right and especially for us we didn’t have social media so you you would see people you would um talk to
People and then even I guess in the beginning of cell phones and then iPhones and all those things you would talk to people so now even even when you have like um caller ID and all those things you can look at a call and decide
You’re not taking it you know who it is and even if you know who it is you’re like I’m not going to take that call because I’m doing something else that’s important and I think we undervalue as a society our social connections I think some of us value the
Our Sisterhood connections our family connections because some of us are more joiners than others like we you know K and I are members of Alpac cap Alpha sorority so and our membership that uh sets us up for more social connections than other people might might have and then when I look at that
That is for and and this and the things I read nothing really separated it from black and white and all of that but for the for us we know that the black fraternities and sororities are social connection after undergrad whereas that’s not the same experience for the
White population and I don’t know about um other ethnicities in their fraternities and sororities I do know there are there are white members of our organization and Latina and Asian as well so yeah so I think for some people it’s not a taught thing and to keep it going is something that they
Haven’t been doing and I was talking to someone about someone getting laid off and that’s the other thing when people get laid off they feel really disconnected because their people in that work Circle they would hang out after work do whatever they’re not in that anymore and they haven’t figured
Out how to create new circles so that would apply to laying off and then getting another job and if that job is remote or from the pandemic your job is remote yeah so I said that to say all of what you said made sense yeah and you know
The other thing that I I’ve observed in my lifetime like that people and I don’t know if it’s like I said like the the pandemic just allowed people a moment to pause and reflect and assess right but people don’t really know how to cultivate relationship ever um so you
Know I I can think of different I have different friendship circles right and and you know in different circles you have those people who are connected to everybody and and have all these relationships and they know everything and then you’ll have that one person is like well why does everybody always
Reaching out to that person and I’m like well because they cultivate the relationship like they actually reach out to that person um they actually engage people and people make the presumption that I can sit back and relationships are cultivated it is a two a two-way Road um and what happens is
That when you now want people you want them to show up the way you are showing up it just doesn’t work that way and I tell my kids that all the time when their friends reach out to them and they’re like I’m playing a video game or
Not right now and I’m like you know what one day you’re going to want that person you know to be available but you’re always you know pushing them off they’re going to find somebody else to hang out with like they’re not going to be waiting for you to be in a head space
Where you’re like oh now I want you to be around because none of us are hand puppets right so I think learning how to cultivate relationships and how do you do that even with families like you’ll have that one family member who will have the dinner parties or the
Gatherings or the holidays and everything will circle around that person or that household um and when that person is no longer there or removed from that situation then relationships fall apart and people are confused like well why and then start nitpicking at what the relationships
Were and I was like no it’s because so and so was the one who was bringing everybody together and how do we all take owners ship and say I’m going to take responsibility okay well this holiday you did it or even just come over and for dinner I know my household
My grew I grew up it was like that my mother was a person who loved having family over they were always and when my parents moved out of the area the relationship sort of died down I had a cousin my cousin Annie who stepped in and really took that role and then she
Became that person but it’s always one person who does it yeah I know I remember wasn’t me when my grandmother passed like on my father’s side of the family my my my paternal grandmother when she passed like that whole side of the family stopped getting together like I remember
I think we went to one family reunion on that side so and a larger family reunion you know outside of the nucleus and on my mother’s side of the family they have a committee that plans a family reunion and it rotates between people so it is so those larger Gatherings so I’m sure
There smaller gather Gatherings at the major at the major holidays but every two years we have a family reunion sort of interrupted by a pandemic but in different people so it’s definitely a deliberate function so and I do think I think you’re very right and then very right in letting your children know
Because oftentimes people who are planners like someday they might just say I’m tired of planning and I’m tired of planning for this group I’m tired of planning I’m tired of it um I’m tired of calling you up and I know there are people and even in in other Prof professional relationship so you’re
Trying to maintain a professional relationship there’s this person I call all the time she’s like oh keep calling me keep calling me I’m busy like yeah I understand you’re busy I’m not you know someone else I’ll say oh yeah we’re supposed to get together and I have reached out and
She’s like oh yeah let me know call me again because people feel like that they should be catered to to some level yeah so you know it might it might not happen so I think one of the things that I had said that I was doing that I’m really actually working on was
Reaching out to people in my network and connecting to them um because on the on some other relationships I think I’m on the other side like I have a friend she has a party every year and I go to that party but I don’t really reach out to
Her in between so she could just decide one day I’m not inviting her to the party based on nothing except for the fact that she never sees me or hears from me so um yeah so so some some of those times it’s just that reaching out
And we have so tools that should make it easier for those of us who feel we’re busy and overwhelmed like we can we can reach out to people on social media you can send them a message any kind of way you can pick up the phone and say hey
Wanted to hear your voice don’t have time to talk to you so there are things to do but yeah yeah and and if we take ownership of it right like we like the the the tool to it or the strategy is okay um you know every Sunday I that was
My mother’s thing on Sundays she called everybody she after there on Sunday she called the she went down the list um and when she passed I had a a great aunt was like well who’s going to call me now she can guarantee my mother was going to
Call right and oddly enough she never really got that back and was she okay with that not really but did it stop her from doing it nope she kept she kept calling you know and I think sometimes we just allow people um we just we just allow people
Not to always show up and it’s not okay and I think when people do the assessment of themselves before they start looking at how people are not showing up for them you need to assess have I truly consistently um shown up for the people in my life and when we have that
Conversation we’ll realize I have’t showed up so I can’t even judge people or not being present or not reaching out to me when I’m sick like well we didn’t know you were sick you know didn’t know yeah that’s really true I think of it because we think of networking when
We think of it on the professional side and we think of it as such a Negative term it is building relationships really what it is as opposed to just collecting cards and whatever but building relationships with people so that all takes time and effort and like you said
Being reciprocal the other thing and and why the Surgeon General was talking about it has Health impacts for you directly and for the community so you you know without having that strong supports um your your health and so many areas can be worse off so you need to
Have those other social structures well human beings are Den animals pack animals we’re like wolves right we Thrive not in isolation but we Thrive mentally physically when we are engaged and around others so yes when we isolate what happens it will affect you your health it will affect you emotionally um
There are there are studies with even senior citizens um about the importance about them being around um other people and not not being isolated and I’m not talking about in a in a senior home kind of around other people but my father lives with us and
You know when people meet them meet him they’re like oh my God he’s 83 because you know he’s interacting with people all day he’s with the grandchildren who have has him climbing fences and going into Open Fields that’s another story but um you know and I think it is a game
Cher for him although he did not want to be here um I was just like why are you sitting by yourself in your apartment like it doesn’t serve a purpose yeah and even the people who are who are living in um those senior retirement homes or or living in nursing
Homes when they don’t have visitors and they’re not connected to those communities they don’t yeah they’re not engaged they they don’t do as well as people who have those commitments and those things I know um my church has a 55 plus club which I call the 85 Plus club now I
Going started a long time [Laughter] ago when 55 was a really long way off so um but they they cultivate a lot of activity every other week they have they go on trips they do other things so during the pandemic it was difficult for them to get together and their leader
Passed because of of covid so you know they had to regroup and then find another space to be in and all that and a space so that they could be and not as many of them at the same time because it was just too too crowded dealing with
Covid and this is a sensitive population right so but it definitely really engages them it definitely keeps them youthful and moving and um in so many different ways so I think that’s helpful to to people to recognize that you need you need those social supports you need the social support for your physical
Mental help all of those things and and I know some you know in in when I have clients who struggle with social anxiety that that’s a thing I know people all like what does that mean oh that person’s shy no it’s it’s much more than just being shy but when people
Struggle with social anxiety um you know in their minds they come up with all of these bad scenarios that are going to happen when they engage or they go out socially or just to be around other people and I think if you’re a person who struggles with
Social anxiety a find a good therapist um and B if you can on your own really re uh re you know deconstruct those those bad thoughts that something bad is going to happen or they’re not going to like me or or I’m going to be rejected
Or you know some a lot of times people get in their heads about what is going to happen when actually that’s not the reality of the situation so people are now more more becoming more aware that there is this clinical diagnosis called social anxiety right and it’s like I said it’s not
Being shy it is a thing it it it paralyzes people so um if you’re a person who struggles with that I would say find a therapist like you can you know when people and a lot of people may not be comfortable with being a therapy but I’m like just learning how to
Interact being in a comfortable situation how to get out of your head and be able to engage and socialize with people can help you to form relationships because you’ll be surprised in a room of 10 people there probably six that have social anxiety so you could form a little
Up that’s interesting I think there’s so many things that we don’t talk about early on until they become problems and things that happen naturally to people I think we live in a world where there’s so much negativity like the news is letting you know the bad thing and and
People who get upset about that it is because that’s what people watch so if if we were just hyped about good things only and we turned it off when bad things happened the news would change so so we need to get over that but how do
You how do you do that and how as yourself I’m a I’m a normally positive person but I also recognize that you have to take control of your thoughts and then you have to have a plan so if you can’t do that with a a coach or a
Group of people you do need to see a therapist to help you get out of that that that talk and you’re you have to make new positive selft talk and that’s the thing about being with a good group of friends having social connections of people who recognize
The good things about you who can reinforce that that they can help you in that and um help you see those good things because oftentimes we don’t see them in ourselves someone else will see them for us especially if that’s not our habit right so it’s all getting back to
The same thing but you might need that therapist coach somebody to get you out of that social anxiety in order to to be in those situations and then to think of that it is your responsibility to help help yourself in community that we need to be
In community we need to be in the you know our tribes our even for um losing weight changing behavior is much easier to do in a group than to do by yourself to help keep you accountable to help keep you focused you know like people they say people will eat food in
Isolation or eat food and secret yeah you’re doing it together keep less Secrets okay let’s this is what I really want and people can other people can help you actually think that what you want can really happen like you you know people say all the time I can do all
Things through Christ who strengthens me but sometimes they don’t actually believe it so the other people can help you believe it if you can’t see the Finish Line you can only see the hurdle you need some people to help you see it I love that I think that’s that’s
Beautifully spoken um the so the hurdle is anchoring yourself in a negative thought you know I I I can’t make friends or I can’t connect with people and when you make those statements you anchor yourself in that you know you know the the manifestation manifest what you want
Um and it’s called like a growth mindset changing the way you see your situation okay this is difficult I’m learning it’s not that I can’t make friends okay I’m 55 years old and I’m learning how to connect with people instead of saying I can’t connect with people you put
Yourself in a growth mindset so now you’re open now the door is opening to um new ways of living and experiencing life and one of the things I always encourage people to do is is okay start with a common interest right if there’s something that you enjoy doing if you
Like walking if you like exercise if you like music you can go on social Med not social media you can connect to people because I’m not a social media person but you can connect with people with common interest you know if music is your thing you go to the music store or
Something and you you end up meeting other people who have your same interest and you can connect so well social media I think Meetup uh not the traditional social yeah so you can look up your interest and then find groups that are already designed around
It because nen I think most of the music stores are closed there are some but most of them are CL Guitar Center is still open and you could go to Guitar Center and play some instruments and meet other people I’m was just thinking of the Tower Records and yeah no those are
Those are are are gone um your kids don’t even know what that is they don’t they well Margot is into um buying albums now which is totally interesting for her K-pop artist so we we we’re not going to discuss that right now but for her it’s interesting how those
Things are coming back yeah and they’re like 20 $30 I’m just like for what this is not friends I’m not spending that kind of money so those L Tech things are coming back it’s interesting yeah love that’s funny you know sometimes making a friendship or meeting someone is as simple as
Hello um when I moved down here I didn’t really know anybody and I have one friend and this is how we met we were at a we were in an orientation at the school to be volunteers and you know what we do you like oh there’s another black face here
In this room and I just you know said hello and at the end she came over she was also new in the area and she was like hi you know introduced herself and she and at that time that was before I went natural and she was like where do
You get your hair done and we are still friendly today today so that’s interesting hair is a good connector it’s a good connector where do you go and and we exchanged numbers and we just started and I will say she’s a better connector than I am because she reached out and we
And we met up and you know our friendship just sort of grew and our daughters were in the same grade so there were more opportunities for us to connect so that’s good I think one of the things to say that she’s a better connector is that she’s probably more deliberate
About it she might not naturally be you know there’s those extroverted people so I’m not people think I’m extroverted extroverted you yeah she’s more she was more intentional about it yeah yeah yeah because I’m not I’m not an extroverted person I am a um extroverted introvert and and I think people often don’t
Realize that right because they they’re definition of extroversion or introversion is how you get your energy and extroverts get their energy from people I get my energy I be by myself I could be myself for a long time I do on the other hand create a lot
Of opportunity to be with other people so my birthday’s April 30th I celebrate the entire month of May and this year so far I’ve had three birthday parties it’s a great thing to do everybody should do it I’ve had I have had three birthday parties I’m going to another I’m going
To another happy belated birthday thank you don’t worry about it may is not over you have plenty of time to uh to to wish wish me a happy birthday no worries so I had one birthday party you’re still my friend uhuh always I had one birthday party
After a chapter meeting so it was just members of alphap alpha we went out to a birthday party I had another birthday party with family friends meaning they were friends of my mother they’re my friends but they’re my mother’s friends so they were fun and then I had a birthday party
With other people from church so the my friends of my mother friends from church um so they were fun so now I’m going to a birthday party where there two of us celebrating our birthday because her birthday is in May and my birthday is April 30th and it’s a group of us who
Mostly worked at HBO together so yeah and then anybody says I miss your birthday I’m like don’t worry you got another chance to celebrate but it is cultivating those things and then also during the pandemic I created events for silver stars that is group for those who are unaware those silverstars are what
We call members who are members of Alpac cap Alpha been members for 25 years or more and that started in the pre-pandemic phase I would go to chapter meeting I had been out of the chapter for a long time after going to business school when I came
Back I didn’t know a lot some of the people and the people I didn’t know were silver stars who transferred into the chapter so I would have SilverStar lunches whatever after chapter meeting and I would just get to know people that way so it was really deliberate I’m like I don’t know these
People let me figure them out like let me learn about them let me meet them and then we like me I don’t know these people okay I’m gonna go home now oh yeah and I would invite a group of people and then sometimes people would say they couldn’t come then I
Would just walk around the room who wants to go out who wants to go out I’m going to he who wants to go who wants to go and then yeah that would be the way to talk to I like that Joy I’m G to do that I’m going
To do that when I start going back I’m gonna do it y’all better look out you Omega I’m asking people to go to lunch yeah so one of the things that happens from the perspective of people who are in membership in organizations is we often think the new people should
Reach out to us and the new people are often intimidated right they don’t and they don’t know they’re just and they’re usually more people who are established than new people so I decided even though I was sort of new this is the chapter I’ve known since I was in high school as
I was in their catian I said well I’m GNA get to meet the new people I knew a handful of the people and then sometimes it it didn’t end up being a Silver Star Event because the silver stars were busy I would invite some other people like okay let’s go so
Yeah and that that was just one of the ways of making connections because sometimes I realize that um you know I like sleep a lot so if I’m tired I’ll just go to sleep one of my really good friends after undergrad we would decide we were going somewhere and
We would get on the phone and we’re like we’re tired we’re not going to go so we’re tired we’re not g to go and then you know other things are happening like my sister Jill will meet up with some other people I’m like I’m tired I’m not
Going to go that I know I have to deliberately take an activity otherwise I would just stay at home and be perfectly happy yeah that’s me I’m home is my happy space my my as I go through my day I am thinking about that time when I make it
Home I’m like that way I can relax so yeah so for for me to do other things I have to create them there I mean there are a lot of things that I like doing so it’s like how to how to create those things besides eating because all those
Things sounded like all I’d like to do is eat there are other things I like to do we have to create create those activities so because who else is creating them for us and and like you said you’re right most people are waiting for someone else
To do it for them to be their social calendar social coordinator that’s me can someone else think about this can somebody else do it that’s I know once of my friends called me up two of my friends they said we decided we’re going
To go on a a a spa trip and you’re going to plan it and I laughed and didn’t happen I guess you didn’t make it to this I guess you guys didn’t make it not and they’re wonderful people I just I I think in groups it’s important for everyone to be comfortable with
Their roles and we all have roles in in our different circles and if you’re the you know the the planner or the coordinator that’s a very important role it’s not that nobody else wants to do it it’s just it’s a natural gift for you it comes naturally for your brain to be
Focusing on on these things and if you’re the person who is the mendor of relationships that’s great because every group needs that you know you need the outspoken person although the person who’s outspoken in those circles may feel like they always getting shot down but how do how do the truths come to
Surface so I think all of our roles in those like people being comfortable and when you have those connections of being comfortable with your roles and and also the other thing I was thinking you know when people people probably know who tend to isolate tend to be in a very judgmental not
Judgmental tend to feel um dissatisfied with how other people show up that they judge other people how they show up and I think in order to Foster and create relationships we got to give those in our lives Grace and I’m not talking about where you’re abused
Right but if someone doesn’t call you is not doesn’t call you you know like how people do the tit fortat well I called you now I’m going to sit and wait for you to call me you can’t you can’t charge off to someone their actions right you have to know that person’s
Heart and like they’re not ignoring me or they’re not calling me because they don’t care right they’re just all over the place or whatever because you know when someone cares about you when you call them every time they greet you warmly right and even though they may
Not be the one to initiate the call you know that once you talk with them you connect with them they’re excited to hear from you to be around you and see you now you have those other people who you call all the time and they always oh
I’m busy I those are the people you kind of weed out right so how do you know how do you know somebody really wants to be engaged with you how they receive you when they’re around you how do they receive your calls those are the things
You want to know so if you can determine when a person when I call them though they’re always warm and excited to see me and it feels like we we were just talking yesterday although I haven’t spoken to them in 10 years then you know that person truly loves and cares about
You but the person who is always sending your calls to voicemail and don’t call you back leave them alone those are the nonverbals yeah and I think also we have to make sure that we are doing a good job being being good friends because I
Know it’s easy for me to be talking on the phone and being on the internet doing something else so I know I have to stop doing things and focus on what someone is saying and then or if I’m doing something say like oh this text
Came in I really need to reply to this or this happened so we really have to give the relationship the ex the um attention that it deserves and that have the people feel like that they are the priority because I know when people feel like you’re not paying attention to them
It’s like oh that’s not important I was talking to my sister yesterday and she was doing something so it wasn’t her issue but then I asked her a question she said I did not hear a word that you said so I think that’s the thing to recognize like people that you have to
Really be there for the person and for each other so that we can not have the social isolation or or the the loneliness because I think there are lots of things that as a society that we should do but what we need to do right now is to take steps for our own
Individual selves and the social isolation the objective measure is are there friends that you call are there friends that call you do you need to work on that do you need to develop it and then are you having relationships that aren’t just superficial and that takes a time to develop because you’re not
Telling any random person all your business if you were oversharing you might need to see a therapist too so need to develop that so I think those are some things that we can do to be helpful you know interestingly a couple of weeks ago I I went I came across a
Community in Florida and I’ve learned that there are these new communities that are being developed they’re called master plan communities and these are communities that are built very intentionally where you you live you work you learn you play all of that happens and that there are small enough
Communities where you can walk to and be connected and there’s like a a a center to the community and when I went there I was like oh my God like this is so nice like and I’m I did some research on it and I’m learning that there are more and
More of these intentional it’s called master plan communities that are developing and I think if you’re a person if you can if you have the luxury economically and financially to be in a type of community where there is intentionality in how that Community works and operates that might be an
Option for people to look into it sounds like they’ve taken all the deter the social determinance of health and said we’re going to curate this experience and then when we know for those of us about the social determinance of Health sometimes I get it right um where you
Eat sleep work play and pray it’s fine I think so if that those impact your health outcomes more than genetics and other things so that that if you can do those things that sounds like a a great place for for people who uh have in that curated environment and then you’ll have to
Create your own environment if you can’t live in if you can’t live in one or go visit one go you know find one find your local master plan Community where you are and go hang out there for their you know their community activities yeah well this is great talking to you
Again always Joy it is always so informative every time I speak with you I I I see things differently I learn something new it forced my brain to start to function and work thank you you do the same for me and you help me to have social connection and you know to eradicate
Loneliness in my life because I could be here all by myself ditto Joy you keep me anchored yeah yeah so we can live our best life on purpose on this journey for yeah until next time until next time Joy join us next time as we continue to
Focus on living our best life on purpose thank you for joining us on this episode of road to Soul Joy Wellness we hope you enjoyed the show please leave us a review on Apple podcast we love your feedback and a chance to answer your questions and we may even share
Your ideas on the show until the next time enjoy your time on the road to Soul Joy Wellness
source
