Good morning everyone um I stated this just a second ago but just in case you are going to need pen and paper today um and if you don’t want to use pen and paper I’m G to put a handout if I can figure out how to do this I’m GNA put a
Handout in the chat you can also use on the computer or you can old school print out a handout that is also allowed um the uh tour is continuing today is number three I’m very excited um this particular content is actually one of my favorite workshops that I used to do
Probably on a weekly basis and it was the very first thing I ever converted into a virtual um we are doing the first Wild Card session which is gender this and uh we’re going to be talking a little bit about education advocacy and inclusion for transgender related needs
But the model that we’re going to be doing was at least as a speaker person is probably the first thing I ever did that was really like all right I’m noticing there’s a problem and we’re confusing things together let’s take it one at a time and really think about it
So um again the texting number for today is 202 or the texting number for any day is 20267 4262 and um you can use the fancy schmancy QR code to follow me on the Instagram which is evidently what I’m supposed to have done probably starting
10 years ago um but whatever we work at our own pace here um today we’re going to be talking specifically about sexual identity gender identity and sex uh not the act of but the like anatomical biological use of the word um but it will help people get to a place of
Understanding things and you’ll be able to ask questions if you would like about what pronouns are what names are where we gender things where we don’t gender things what are used as synonyms which spoiler alert a lot of synonyms are used inaccurately um so the I had a very
Fascinating conversation I just rolled my eyes with a friend that I’ve been friends with for 4,000 million years and I really thought because of our friends that this our friendship that this had like sunk in through osmosis and then they they read the Webster dictionary definition of gender to me and we’re
Like see I’m right and I almost threw Furniture so it doesn’t sink in through osmosis we’re just going to take one at a time yesterday I showed my favorite thing about responsibility I would like to ground just really quickly just remember you have your own working definition of what you’re responsible
For for some of you that is a very tiny Circle but at least you’re responsible for yourself don’t forget that part and for some of us it is a very large Circle and don’t forget to be responsible for yourself okay just ground yourself in
That so I want to do two things in this first section and that is I want to one assume that everyone in this webinar or watching the recording is going to have to have a conversation with someone that has never understood the difference between sex gender and sexual identification or sexual orientation and
This triangle is really going to be very helpful and like all right let’s slow down and let’s have a conversation so if you already know everything this is a really good way of having this challenging conversation with other people and if you don’t that is also
Completely fine so I want us to be able to have this conversation regardless of what your background or knowledge is so we’re going to start off with uh this triangle method again I’m going to put the handout into to it doesn’t do it anymore more it used to do it but now it
Doesn’t do it um I want to make sure that you have a pen and paper that would be great um and then if you do have pen and paper you can draw along and now it won’t let me add anything at all into the chat that’s really weird Pat if you have co-hosting
Deputized skills can you put the handout back into the chat at some point I just gave you homework to do okay great um okay so if you’re drawing along or uh playing along on a handout that’s going to be great but before we get to what will be a triangle I want I
Talked a little bit about this before but I want to invoke the binary so binary literally means two choices so some of us academic folks pink oami liberals we throw around binary like as if we talk about this all the time what we what what it means is that basically
We’re lazy and that we are cognitively intellectually aware that there are way more choices but then we simplify everything down to you’re either this or you’re a this sometimes it’s an us and a them sometimes it is like ketchup onion people eat hot dogs I don’t understand
Them and then there’s mustard and relish people which is the appropriate way of eating a hot dog there are millions of ways of eating a hot dog but I’m only invoking two of them that’s what I mean by a binary often times oh total great example Emily toilet paper over under
There’s only one answer over and that is great crunchy or creamy peanut butter evidently there’s like almond paste and cookie butter and what no crunchy or creamy the answer is crunchy that’s what I mean by binary so while we are going through this model I’m gonna ask you to
Stay in a binary because some of y’all G to get all AP honors advanced class on me and I want you to slow your roll because when you start doing that number one it’s stifel’s conversation and number two is that I want you to notice that these assumptions and the conflations specifically around
Anatomical biological sex and gender get smushed together as if they’re exactly the same thing but I want you to keep them in a binary as two separate options so now that you kind of have a binary thing um it is not as simple as never seeing a binary
It’s recognizing that you can both see the complications and multiple options and also the reduction of a binary you have to flex the muscle of being able to see both Duck Rabbit Duck Rabbit if you can do that then we can actually work on this conversation so every time I let
Somebody in my mouse dice okay so I want you to draw an upside down triangle or use the handout but you’re going to need a triangle okay uh three points is a triangle I like the two points on the top and the point on the bottom um we’re
Going to label the three corners sex gender and sexual identity I do sex top left I do gender top right and I do sexual identity at the bottom some of you may be more familiar with the term sexual orientation for the bottom one that is totally fine I’ll explain why I
Use the term sexual identity some people worked really hard for sexual orientation to be used because at the time like preference and things like that were more commonly used we’re talking about the same thing it goes on the bottom of the triangle okay so play along and draw your triangles sex gender
Sexual identity I’m going to go through each one of these one at a time you are playing along at home so you can go back to either side at any point in time leave yourself notes Etc but we’re going to spend time on each one because they
Get squished together all the time time primarily in legal documents and in Webster’s Dictionary in our conversation and that’s what I want to pull apart so I can show you how this happens and how quickly it happens and if we can slow that down then it’s a lot easier to
Understand some of the things that we might find confusing sound good if this sounds good put a five in the chat because you’re giving me a high five the kind that doesn’t involve touching which I like a lot so high five me in the chat
Okay great I see fives so we’re going to start at sex again not the act of it is way too early for that for some people we’re going to be doing anatomical biological sex and I’m going to request that we keep this in a cute little
Binary right so I’m going to ask you put in the chat when I say anatomy and biology what is the first anatomical or biological bit or piece that usually gets thought of when we talk about Anatomy it is not a trick question it’s almost always the first thing that comes
Up some of the words are hard to spell I will tell you that so genitals good job Rob so when we say genitalia Amy you get two points because spelling genitalia is a challenge but keep it a binary so what do we mean by genitalia yes you’re not
Going to explode by typing the word penis always comes up first there’s a joke there and the penis gets paired with the vulva or the vagina okay so Amanda you win you’re the first one that I see so when we start talking about genitalia we’re going to create what
Ends up being kind of a column on your sheet of paper so when we have somebody who has a penis there’s a whole bunch of anatomical stuff we assume they have because we are basically assuming they have a penis or they do have a penis same thing happens with the vagina okay
So as we go along I want you to kind of think about what those things might be so I almost always ask for crowds just start off with penis and vagina because most of you are at work and we’re not allowed to say these words but it’s really important because everything is
There is a country song that is based on whether an ultrasound of their baby has a penis or doesn’t have a penis and I want us to really pay attention to the baby does have a penis has a huge social meaning that baby does not have a penis
Has a different social meaning so this starts in utero all of this kind of assumptions and what’s going to happen in their life and what they’re going to look like and what they’re going to be like and what the rest of their body looks like is completely based on
Visible external genitalia or the lack of visible external genitalia fascinating anyway you can also possibly think about chromosomes now what’s fun about chromosones is that most of us have no idea what our chromosomal makeup is but we assume that we do because we either
Do have a penis or we do not have a penis and therefore we assume that we either are XY which would have a penis or we are XX which would have a vagina which is already a big assumption sometimes we will find out our chromosomal makeup if and only if uh
We are specifically ordering tests right like if we’re checking for the Down Syndrome or breast cancer chromosomes or something like that um but we might more like be able to know what our hormone levels are so we assume the XY penis having thing has testosterone and we
Assume the XX vagina having thing has estrogen spoiler alert we have both there are 500 combinations of chromosomes and all of these hormones are pumping in our bodies but it’s when we start having puberty fertility or menopausal related issues that we might get our hormones checked most of of us
Do not know what our hormones are unless we are having a puberty fertility or menopausal related issue we just kind of assume because that’s how the binary columns work right now I did see this in the chat um I’m Southern so I like to refer uh this to like innards or maybe
Giblets right so there’s reproductive organs there’s ovaries or testicles those usually get paired together there’s lactation giblets there’s different lymph node things I was a Ceramics major so I don’t necessarily know all the medical terms but we’re just going to lump all the floaty bits if if your body
Was Rocky Road ice cream this would be all the almonds and marshmallows and little floaty bits that are happening that generally we assume we all have unless there’s a medical problem and then we have a test to find out what we actually have but unless there’s a
Problem we just assume we have the correct innards that go with the correct hormones that go with the correct chromosomes that go with external genitalia or possibly internal genitalia right can we agree that that’s like basically a functional assumption that medicine does parents do we do for
Ourselves yes high five yes this is when you put fives in the chats so good job okay so secondary sex characteristics also show up and what’s interesting about secondary sex characteristics is that they are like the social understanding of what happens based on your genetics DNA hormone levels so a
Secondary sex characteristic is still not necessarily something that you get to opt into it kind of comes with the package but it’s interpreted differently so for example depending on what your estrogen hormone level is in your your body uh will depend on where you store
Fat in your body so let’s say that you have a high enough estrogen level that you tend to store fat on the front of your body instead of the lower half of your body if that’s the case then you might have breast tissue but there’s a big difference socially between a
Female’s breast tissue and a Mal’s man boob it’s just fat stored on the chest but it’s socially interpreted very differently that’s based on genetics DNA and hormones right now notice I said male and female I saw that show up in the chat too when we’re talking about
Sex we are talking about the words male and female we’ll get to it in a second but we’re going to spend time here for a second but if we’re talking about masculine or feminine man woman androgynous non-binary that’s the other side of the triangle I keep it on the
Other side of the triangle because it gets smushed into here we’re just talking about anatomy and biology and sex markers uh one of the things I do quite often where in my Consulting work is I read people’s surveys and in the surveys they almost always ask for the
Person filling out the survey what their sex is and so I always ask them why do you need to know this information well we like to know how many men or women are getting the flu shot this year let’s say okay so then if you want to know how
Many men and women are getting the flu shot why are the options male and female female right like make sure that you’re not conflating the two which we do all the time so body hair or how high or how deep our voices our size I wear a size
12 shoe and because I do this training it is not uncommon that people assume that I am a transwoman because I have really large feet um I am not a trans woman I am a cisgender woman which means that I was born female I identify as a
Woman I just happen to have a firm foundation some people can participate in No Shave November some of you would love to participate in No Shave November but you can’t grow facial hair I think I do not have facial hair but there is a reason I keep tweezers in my car because
For some reason the light at red lights you see the one Barb that comes out of my chin keep tweezers in your car it’s a pro tip anyway so we take care of it we can show it off we can participate in things but we can’t make it occur we’re
Not choosing to make it occur we might choose what to do with it but we can’t make it happen does that make sense if you can understand the difference between anatomical and biological bits and pieces that got dumped in your bucket then you’ll understand much more the difference between sex and gender
And again we’re going to get to gender I just want to spend time talking about sex for a second now when we get to gender we’re going to do kind of the same process but before we do I just want to check in and see are there any sex anatomical biological related
Questions not the act of we can do those over text message are there any questions about Anatomy or biology that need to be asked so far and you can text message if you don’t want to say them out loud or put them in the chat the texting number is 202 670
4262 how does size fit into secondary characteristics excellent um how tall are you how short are you do you have hips or do you have shoulders or do you have both are you a refrigerator with a head or are you really skinny um how many chins do you have right some people
Are only they only have one chin they don’t even know how lucky they could be by having all this extra like padding right um that’s tends to be size um small small hands small feet windy excellent job right um whatever it is that is happening in the bucket of your
Chemistry that can impact where your hair is and how much you have and if you’re balding if you have a Widow’s Peak if you have a a receding hairline um all of that is genetic chromosomal or hormonal um you mentioned can’t take them on or off but we can alter it
Through medication that is true and we’re going to get there right is that you can do something to intervene you could block your hormones or block a particular hormonal reaction um you can also add hormone Replacements so what I like to use as an example because we almost always think of someone going
Through transition for this process so I have had a complete hysterectomy which means that I I no longer have ovaries or a Fallopian tubes I can’t ever say that word so for some people’s definition I would would no longer be considered female I’m still a female I just really
Do not want to get pregnant see there’s a difference right so if that’s the case now I can have hormone supplements because I don’t have ovaries they were defunct anyway so now as I’m Perry menopausal I am experiencing what hormones do in a way because my ovaries
Didn’t work we didn’t even know that before we took them out and then when we took them out we were like oh surpris they don’t work who knew I would never get pregnant I mean College kind of cured that I was not going to get pregnant very often but anyway so when
You have the hormone Replacements or the hormone blockers you can alter the bucket of choices that you were or bucket of variables that you were born with that is true um but it tends to be because of the outcome that you’re shooting for which is on the gender side
Unless it’s an anatomical or biological thing related to puberty fertility or menopausal issues great great any other questions comments before we move on to gender texting number again 20267 4262 um Emily Andor Pat mostly Emily because Pat’s barely doing it can you put the handout in the chat again just
In cases because there were a couple other people who joined it all right so if we’re going to move over to the gender side of the triangle what I want to what is happening oh my gosh my slides are being crazy no wrong way don’t look okay gender
There you go all right when we talk about gender these are not in the right order so I’m going to tell a story and then explain it so this is an ice cream truck and you will notice that there are eyelashes on this ice cream truck when you add eyelashes to an ice
Cream truck what is the gender of this ice cream truck now because we added eyelashes some of you may even have eyelashes on your own car okay I think unicorn is probably the best answer so far okay Emily you get a bonus point because you used a gender
Neutral descriptor it’s and then called the truck a woman okay good the other answers so far are saying female okay now we’ve moved to the other side of the triangle so if we’re saying female then you’re saying an ice cream truck has a certain set of hormones a certain set of
Chromosomes a certain of innards and a certain set of external or lack thereof of external genitalia I don’t know how cool your ice cream trucks are but my ice cream trucks generally are machines right like you have to take them to an auto mechanic not a gynecologist so even
With eyelashes applied they still don’t go to a gynecologist they go to a mechanic because it’s a machine but we make the ice cream truck feminine therefore giving it women women is characteristics by applying eyelashes fun facts masculine people men people male people also have eyelashes they are
Pieces of hair to keep debris out of your eyeballs because of how Evolution Works which is probably the most controversial thing I’m going to say so H adding eyelashes to a machine does not actually change its Anatomy or biology because it doesn’t have Anatomy or biology it’s a machine but this is how
These things get smushed together right is that of course it makes it a girl if you turn something pink of course it’s a girl pin or a girl razor instead of the blue one which is its counterpart which in case you’re interested in some historical nerdiness changed originally
Blue was for women and pink was for men because blue represented the Virgin Mary because Christianity’s got to be centered in everything and pink represented a new bile penis cute then we went to war so then most me uh not MediCal military uniforms had blue in them so blue became representative of
Men who go to war because we can’t let women go into Wars because men started them and then pink became virgin virginal virginal stuff because there’s only straight people in the world so that’s how we switched pink and blue and blue to Pink and if you throw on some
Eyelashes it gets pink these eyelashes are even pink okay this is an ice cream truck an ice cream truck does not have an anatomy or biology can we like can we agree on that at least I think right Kendra you noticed it was Pink as well okay when we talk about gender
Gender gets broken into four different areas that spell right so if you are playing along or doing this on a cocktail napkin in front of your fun uncle just remember that gender spells ripe rip p e so gender roles is something we need to talk about gender
Identity is something we need to talk about gender percep ception is something we need to talk about and gender expression is something we need to talk about okay those are what the four things stand for roles identity perception and expression extra bonus is perception is different so we’re going
To take perception off to the side a little bit and I’m just going to talk about gender roles gender identity and gender expression your job is to stay on this side of the triangle because your brain’s going to keep flipping back over to the other side of the triangle
Because that’s how our culture works but I just want you to stay on the gender side of the triangle so gender roles usually are the ways we relate to other people sometimes we have words or labels for these roles that are gendered right so like a mother is different than
A father a sister is different than a brother an aunt an uncle so uh A friend of mine has a niece that is starting to use gender neutral pronouns and so then I my job was to make their head explode because that you can’t say niece niece
Is gendered so what do you say so there’s all different kinds of words being created my favorite is niblings niblings could be a niece or a nephew if they were gendered right but because we’re not doing genders we’re saying niblings um siblings when I do fraternity and sorority work um we talk
About um our siblings instead of our brothers or our sisters so there are words that exist that are gender inclusive that can mean the same thing and the bonus of language is we make up all the time to describe more of what we are or what we aren’t we just
Make up words right spouse Partners things like that those can be non-gendered as well but notice as soon as you say one of them you then write a whole story about the person who’s saying it and then the person that they’re talking about because we’re going to roll through this triangle
Automatically because that’s what our culture asks us to do so that we know which packet of stickers to buy because there’s boy stickers and girl stickers how would we order a Happy Meal without doing the entire triangle okay so uh the reason why I separate perception is that perception is the one
We have no control over so if roles are a relationship with other people perception is how other people perceive us so then we do try to give people Clues so the outbound messages would be the words we use to describe our roles um the words we use to describe our self
Our own gender identity I think of it as kind of like a label that we use to describe our self and then our expression is how our self moves about in the world um most of us probably had to think about what to put on this morning and sometimes you put on an
Outfit and you’re like I’m not feeling that outfit today it always starts with the shoes for me what shoes am I want to wear today okay what do I want to wear on top of that we might change our hair or our glasses or like when I’m on stage
And I wear red lipstick I feel so masculine as soon as I put on red lipstick and that makes me very very happy and then I am like confident and I can do my little stage job right and then when I’m back in my hotel room and
I order room service and I’m in my pajamas watching Dr pimple popper the first thing I have to do is take the lipstick off because that doesn’t make sense to me so some people would associate lipstick as something that would make an ice cream truck more
Feminine right but it doesn’t for me it has a different effect but the message it’s sending out is up to someone else’s perception the only part of perception that we have control over is how we perceive other people so where you send all these outbound messages out to them
So that they will hopefully perceive you correctly what you’re shoiting for is validation whether they perceive it or not so when we talk about being an ally what it means is is allowing someone to send out messages you may or may not perceive it accurately but you’re going
To validate it because that’s what they’re telling you they want you to do when we see other people we can notice what do we need that again kind of tips our mental binary system so for me for example if I see someone with facial hair I almost always assume that’s going
To be a masculine person but that’s on me I don’t know anything about that person and just because I saw that variable doesn’t mean that I’m right it means I’m likely to be right but it doesn’t mean that I am right so you you’re in charge of how you perceive
Other people and there’s no guarantee how anybody else is going to perceive you but you’re shooting for validation and instead of waiting for everyone to validate what you want to do you can actually take responsibility to validate other people even if you don’t perceive it um the example that I like to use
Here that is when someone thinks they’re funny right like as a funny person people come up to me all the time and tell me that they are also Comedians and they think they’re funny and I’m like oh okay great and then they say well you’re
A comedian Jess tell me a joke that is how I know they are not a comedian because funny people are not funny on command we are actually depressed dark often recovering alcoholics you don’t want to know what’s going on in my head out loud I have worked really hard to
Filter that stuff and keep it up in here but when someone thinks they’re funny I often because I am a comedian I often will laugh at their attempt to be funny because I’m trying to validate their identity it’s important to them that they appear funny I do not find them
Funny and sometimes it’s kind of a Field of Dreams thing is that if I laugh enough at someone that I don’t think is funny eventually I kind of learn their sense of humor and then you know it’s a unique Choice like people who put like I don’t
Know lemon on Thai food that should be lime I have a strong opinion about this but you know I could be open to their flavor of humor that might work in some other context that I am not in and then that validation can kind of become a
Habit and I might even like lowercase p perceive them as occasionally not serious right validation is about them perception is about you that’s an important distinction to make okay there are questions in the chat the texting number again there’s usually lots of questions during this one so I like to
Make lots of checks texting number is 202 67042 62 so I think I scrolled up enough yes we got to the pinks okay so then and Emily you ask what should we call a Brotherhood of electricians a siblinghood so first off should I don’t know it’s up to them um what they want
Be want to be called caramel squares I have no idea um but siblinghood is one of the best things that you can do that would be inclusive of everyone and it is also like a virtue signal if there’s people in the room who are not interested in that woke ass language
They’re going to be really mad if you say siblinghood right so I would find out what language they use to describe themselves I would also throw in that sometimes people have worked really hard to be in a Brotherhood and even though they identify as a woman they are so
Honored to be part of the Brotherhood that Brotherhood is what they’re shooting for so sometimes we overcompensate and use other words that are then not actually affirming to the people we’re trying to be affirming of because we are Olympic athletes at making assumptions instead of just asking ask them what words they use
Sounds great um my dog is barking but Pat helped me change my sound is my sound still working even though the dog is going nuts wow okay Zoom settings if for the win okay uh we call them electricians that’s a really good one that’s a good one uh thanks Regina uh
She agrees I scrolled up too far got it y’all are having your own conversations perfect who needs me um would they be calling themselves Brotherhood if they’re part of a union organization sure so they could be a Brotherhood they can also be a Sisterhood they can also be union
Members right it just depends on what the union is doing we can hear the dog a little bit but not distracting okay thank you Pat for the feedback okay um questions on gender because we’re getting ready to move forward I think my slides seem to be in a surprising order
So we’ll see what’s next oh questions and comments anyone okay great all right so if these are sex and gender hopefully that is enough of a beginning to see how they’re different now this is a little Advanced and it’s not really Advanced like you can’t handle it it’s
Just I’m trying to be super thorough so you may be familiar with the term hermaphrodite we do not really generally use this word anymore and of course someone exists somewhere that identifies as a hermaphrodite generally though I’m trying to encourage people to not use the word where the word hermaphrodite
Comes from is Hermes the ideal male and Aphrodite the ideal female that wait let me check my book are also mythical people are of course heterosexual and had consensual sex that resulted in the ideal baby and that ideal baby they named hermaphrodite the cute little blending of the name even before
Instagram happened and the ideal baby had all the female parts and all of the male parts parts or at least some combination thereof messing up our cute little binaries we now use the word intersects someone may have an intersex condition some people say intersex with
An ed I’m Southern I don’t add Ed to any descriptor of a human being so intersex person with interex condition um that is what the I stands for so when you see the alphabet soup letters there’s usually an i this is where the I comes
In and it’s on the sex of the triangle because it’s someone who was born with a combination of internal or external bits that don’t align with somebody’s socially constructed binary of what they’re expecting usually they don’t know that they have an interex condition until say it with me they’re having
Puberty fertility or menopausal related issues so some people like numbers I always find it fascinating when people ask me how many people are interex so then I would counter with how many people are not interex and then do the math we don’t really know and at least
In the United States it is generally one in 2,000 babies that are born inside the United States that have ambiguous enough external genitalia that a surgery is usually done upon birth often without even parental consent to help the baby conform more within the binary so then again puberty fertil fertility or
Menopausal issues will kind of like allow an exam to find out what’s actually happening internally because we don’t usually do any exams internally because that’s not how the country song goes so questions about interex in uh any of those kind of things there’s more stuff in the
Chat um like perception roles are not really something we can control either um sometimes they can also be chosen um there are so many expectations in the workplace exactly okay great KRA says back to rolles at our synagogue the women’s group was called The Sisterhood now it’s called women of teec which is
Supposedly a big deal great um Emily had to leave bye um question on gender cisgender is more commonly used why is that okay great question Rob so the word cisgender I’m going to get a little dorky the Latin prefix CIS c i s means congruent so how I was labed in
Utero birthed and raised um is how I identify once I have a degree of agency remember agency from the very first Workshop agency is when you have enough like sense of self and a sense of your own identity to be able to determine who and how you are and it’s congruent with
How you are labeled so I am a cisgender woman I was born a baby girl I was raised as a girl I became a teenage womanish person I say that CU it’s very late to puberty but eventually I am now a cranky old fat woman so all works same
Column of the binary thing totally works um not everyone is cisgender so then that person might fall under like a trans umbrella or a gender non-conforming umbrella there’s a lot of different words we’re going to get there um but cisgender is the word to describe the people not experiencing that which
In the early 2000s is when I started doing this triangle we just called ourselves normal and then there were the other people you might find it surprising but that was found to be condescending so people in that Community started calling us cisgender because we don’t actually have a transition or an in congruent
Sense of how we were labeled and how we identify hopefully that’s helpful to everyone Andor Rob great um um PE people may have been using inter sex as gender this confus exuses me great okay so let’s move on to the next piece because I think that’ll help
Answer that direct message so just to review the I because we don’t use the word hermaphrodite can be used for interex interex or person with the inex condition and it’s when their anatomical or biological bits and pieces in the bucket they were born with do not align perfectly with the binary that somebody
Probably a man in a white coat determined is what’s supposed to be in that binary solid when you do fives that’s what you’re doing thank you Pat for putting the worksheet in there okay great so the other side of the triangle and nauy just gets to kind of what you’re talking
About I think the t is the other stuff the other related things so when your gender roles your gender identity or your gender expression are not being perceived the way you would want them to be then you might when you have a degree of agency you’re going to send out
Messages hoping to be validated of how it is that you do want to be and so often times trans folks will um want validation through their roles their Identity or their expression um so the the direct comment was asking about inner sex being used as a gender term it
Is important back to those secondary sex characteristics that sometimes when someone has secondary sex characteristics that do not align with how they being perceived it’ll change how their gender is perceived because of their hormone levels or their chromosomes or whatever’s going on within their inner sex condition it
Might change what they look like for what other people so they get conflated together because we screw this up all the time that’s why it’s a triangle and not a straight line so hopefully that is helpful when we talk about the T transexual was the word that was used
First and it was because these people are changing their Anatomy or their biology that was the whole point if you would like more history on this but we don’t have enough time but I could do it if you’d like is that this was also curing people I’m using air quotes
Because they weren’t heterosexual all of this started when heterosexual became a thing which was not always a thing um so by changing someone who did not identify as heterosexual into quote unquote the other sex um then they became straight and that was somehow better socially that is about 200 years of history in
Like six sentences but that is why the word transexual started getting used so then transgender started being used because it was not everyone had Access to Health Care still even with Obamacare not everyone has access to health care and sometimes they didn’t want to change their physical body they just wanted to
Be perceived in a different way which then crossed to the other side of the triangle so transgender started being used and then a bunch of Highly Educated academics decided to come up with the word trans or trans with an asteris to be as inclusive of possible of the
People that they were likely studying or doing research on or doing therapy with so they are they came from a place of allyship or advocacy to use trans or trans with an asteris but it didn’t necessarily come from this community so sometimes that word also kind of Ruffles
Some people’s feathers now usually we slippery slide off topic but so I’m going to explain because it’s kind of relevant so when we start talking about a crossdresser a drag king or a drag queen again I just want you to notice how binary this language is but a crossdresser isn’t the more appropriate
Term for a transvestite there are people who identify as transvestites there are TV conferences that still happen I encourage using the word crossdresser most of the research done on crossdressers um conclude that this is a very PR private activity that someone in private wears the quote unquote other genders clothing for either personal
Emotional spiritual or sexual reasons most of the research has been done on what to use Rob we’re going to invoke cisgender so cisgender men wearing women’s clothing in private that is where most of the research has been done oddly I think it’s because women who tend to wear masculine clothing we just
Go to work so no one necessarily notices or cares and boxers are way more comfortable in my opinion than women’s underwear because they don’t crawl up your butt but we’re not allowed to talk about this because women don’t talk about their own clothing because we live in a patriarchy that’s a different
Workshop okay so that’s crossdresser the key thing to remember is private so their Partners house pets they don’t usually know about this activity oras a drag king or a drag queen would be very public and happy binary so a drag King is usually a woman publicly performing
In masculine clothing or dressed as a man a drag queen is usually a man wearing women’s clothing performing very publicly uh trans people often perform as drag performers that’s a whole commentary on being under or unemployed as well um and if I did drag which I don’t anymore because the last time
Somebody went to the hospital I thought that was a jinx but when I do drag I am what is called a bio Queen see we make up words because I’m a biological female and when I would perform I would wear very high fem makeup hair clothing Etc
Which is referred to as a bio Queen because it’s not who I typically am in real life so it still feels like a performance language is fun it’s fluid what’s also fluid is gender and you get to do whatever the hell hell you want to
All right I realize I have not put my curing filter in today so good morning I did take a shower though you’re welcome uh what would you consider Eddie iard was before she transitioned I hope I stated that correctly okay so first off you can ask anything you want to
You’re not gonna offend me so Eddie isard is a comedian who now goes by Sasha that’s not correct what’s her name she has a new first name now um so she transitioned and now goes by the first name that I’m forgetting that hopefully Pat is Googling because that he’s like
Constant backup um it’s not Sasha but it does begin with an S I think um and so uh I believe that she identifies as a woman Susie so close to Sasha oh and Aaron got it first Pat you are slow on the draw but Aron is also in Wisconsin
So high five to Wisconsin for the backups um so that is what Susie considers herself so I can consider and I think the key word is consider because we’re talking about validation and perception I consider Susie isard as one of the best comedians I’ve ever heard in
My entire life that is my consideration is that helpful hopefully um so the ice cream truck is actually a queen could be because it could be related to Dairy Queen see what we just did there yeah oh Pat stealing my jokes okay my webinar okay great um we got there great um
Though Susie will also answer to Eddie good to know and you will also notice that there are people who will say I don’t care what pronouns you use I tend to get infuriated at that answer because I want to be correct well they just told you how to be correct and
That is they don’t care my shrinks name is c a r o l i n e I have been going to the same shrink for 18 years and finally this week I said is it Carolyn or Caroline you would think I would know this and she said I don’t care just
Spell it right my head exploded what is your name and she said I don’t care just spell it right that’s a really important thing my name is Jessica you can call me Jessica you can call me Jess do not call me Jesse so when I want to write on the
Word consider for a second so if you are considering me and I have told you to do or to not do something then it would be very validating for you to follow my directions right so don’t call me Jesse so um I do not like that uh but when she
Was Eddie she was a drag queen not a crossdresser um I don’t know what what words Susie or Eddie would use to describe their previous self I would guess that the public Persona would is the difference between being a crossdresser or a drag queen and I don’t
Know that it matters um because I don’t know what that person would have considered themselves to be you may be familiar with some of the more androgynous language which is gender variant gender bender gender non-conforming non-binary there’s other words that are being used and these folks likely don’t actually care about
This stupid binary some of them are very comfortable with their bodies they are very comfortable with their clothing options they like to move back and forth or not and by doing that they’re critiquing the binary not themselves themselves are not trying to be fit in anywhere it is interesting to me that
When we think about androgyny we tend to default to masculine clothing is kind of the Baseline of androgyny but not actually caring about this kind of policing of gender may also result in very feminine clothing so kind of back to the question about what is a drag
Queen or a crossdresser if you don’t care because pants or pants or a skirt is a skirt or you know makeup is a makeup I wear lipstick and I feel more masculine that is all true right so then non-binary people may use gender neutral pronouns like they or them oftentimes
Somebody will tell me that they can’t use they or them for a singular person yes you can and you do all the time mostly we get defensive because we thought we were right in our perception and we have now been told that we were not right in our perception so update
Your note card that’s all you got to do so if that’s sex that’s gender we talked a little bit about secondary sex characteristics interex and trans now we’re at the bottom of the triangle right and this is supposedly the easy part again the texting number is 20267
4262 but if we’re going to start here before we can really understand when I start talking about like heterosexuality Etc the cisgender which we talked a little bit about of congruency the privilege of not having to navigate this conversation are not having to justify to someone else how you want to be
That’s cisgender privilege and there can be CIS men and CIS women notice those are gendered words and CIS is the the prefix so if we get to sexuality the first thing I like to start with is heterosexual or straight oftentimes when we do Ally workshops we don’t start at
Straight people but straight people you have a sexuality as well welcome aboard so heterosexual or straight is where I start and then I go to gay and lesbian again notice the binary you’re straight or you’re not straight and if you’re not straight you’re either gay or
Lesbian is not true and that is very limiting but we can also understand there are 500 different chromosomal combinations there are probably more than 500 labels for different ways of describing your emotional sexual psychological iCal spiritual relationships you have with other people so to keep it simple we’re going to say
Gay lesbian bisexual would be someone who is not necessarily in a binary right there are some men or women or men uh men uh males or females that they are attracted to um you may be familiar probably not with pansexual or omnisexual which is similar to bisexual
Except don’t tell them that that’s why they came up with a whole new word but ansexual and omnisexual is to be inclusive of more than two gender Expressions identities or roles or more than two anatomical or biological ways of being that they may or may not be emotionally psychologically sexually
Attracted to right and then queer or questioning is usually what the Q stands for questioning is someone doesn’t really know they’re kind of checking things out and queer is kind of an umbrella term I very much identify with the word queer um depending on what space I am sometimes I look like a
Middle-aged woman that is assumed to be straight sometimes I look like a big old lesbian both are right I’m queer that’s how I would use that word queer still has a very negative connotation in some contexts and in some places it has been reclaimed and as a very empowering word
Now we’re back to asking the words that someone identifies with updating the note card in your head and then use the words they I they use to identify them El an a could be asexual which is someone who is not interested in meeting an emotional psychological or sexual partner what is
Fascinating to me is that straight people gay people and lesbian people usually respond to an asexual person if you just haven’t met the right person yet don’t do that they maybe they know that they’re just not going to or they don’t want to then I have been in a
Webinar for 54 minutes so I don’t know what new words have been coming up but a lot of them so there’s a lot of labels to describe people’s relationships and what they are and to describe what they don’t want I don’t know if any of you
Are on the dating apps there is an entire new code that I don’t even know about there’s a lot of language a lot of words to go into describing who you are and who you aren’t and it oddly goes back to perception and being able to kind of like wrap your complication up
Into one or two words um so that’s how sexual identity is different than gender or sex so questions or comments about sexual identity not seeing any not seeing any the O and the P typically stand for omnisexual and pansexual which is a more inclusive way than saying bisexual because there’s more than two
Options all right so if that is the triangle in a very few minutes I’m going to try and explain that how we end up doing this is conflating the entire circle together so if you were in a drivethru and you hear the voice on a squawky box you’re going to determine secondary sex
Characteristics of whether or not that person sounds like a male or a female masculine and feminine you’re going to write an entire story about that human being how do I know this is true when you pull forward to the window and the person greets you there is something that happens in our
Head that says that is the same person or that is not the same person because you wrote a whole story about them right when I use myself and my partner as an example when how we were born we are both born female right So eventually my
Husband seems to be a a masculine is woman kind of person eventually found out being a lesbian was an option notice I’m working my way around the triangle seems to be very attracted to large people with very big personalities I only know this because at his PhD party
All of his ex he’s friends with all of his exes all of his exes showed up and we like all took over and there was a lot of polka dots right then when he began to transition he then identified as a man he started doing hormone
Replacements may or may not have had any kind of medical procedures technically that’s none of your business and some of it it’s not even my business so his an anatomy and biology is more affirming as to who he wants to be we all get to do that I get BOTOX right it’s more
Affirming to who I want to be and then his gender expression not changed at all except I had to tell him that girl shirts button on the wrong side so I had to take all the girl shirts out he didn’t know that because he buys everything at a thrift store now he
Identifies maybe as a straight guy because he seems to be still attracted to large women with really big personalities but none of that other stuff has changed it’s just the labels that have changed right I identify as a female I identify as a masculine female I identify as a lesbyterian this is how
The triangle tends to kind of work um when you understand how you conflate it Al together that that’s when you can really understand the difference between sex gender and sexuality and I think that there’s a reason that they get all conflated together and and that’s just
To make it easy so obviously there are like systems of Oppression show up and how we police sex and gender how sexuality is generally assumed to be heterosexual how everything kind of fits into this nice little binary this is often why straight men get blamed for everything but straight women you are
Also cisgender you also have privilege right there’s some power there that needs to be examined between sexism and heterosexism if we can do that which is a big if but just being able to kind of understand what that means you are already being a better Ally by asking
The questions by trying to kind of role model what it is other people are the language they’re trying to use to describe themselves and frankly if you have a question or a problem or a concern or a confusion do your homework don’t ask them to do your homework or
Ask me the texting number is 20267 4262 I’m happy to answer any of questions you like go watch Susie isard or Eddie isard’s comedy specials that’s the big takeaway for today I do want to remind everyone before we run out of time you can sign up for the book club
Before the webinar series ends either one-on-one we’ll do a big group together or I have had a couple people ask about small groups and doing trainings on their own team comes with free books happy to help just send me a message or let me know the whole point of this is
To support Crazy Horse Memorial so if you have an employer match don’t forget you’re welcome to use the QR code to make your own donations as well and uh today I’m going to focus on retainer work get it retainer I had a headgear for 24 hours so this is really therapy
For myself so if you are interested in any kind of work with your board your employee resource groups doing an assessment for your organization or something you can use this QR code to set up a time to chat with me and if you use the passcode assessment 10 I’ll give
You 10% off of my new fancy schmancy assessment tool um the number again is 20267 4262 and tomorrow wild card number two is messages I learned RAC and racism and that will start exactly an hour after the Supreme Court starts debating whether or not Trump can be on the
Ballot in Colorado so hope to see you I also hope to be able to be here and that’s it that’s today welcome to day number three if there’s anything I can do or help or something feel free to text anytime um I am going to stay on
And try and answer the chats so if you asked a question I didn’t get to I’d recommend texting it to me to 2670 4262 or I’ll try and like track who asked to then send you an email and answer you back so that is all I got for
Today thank you very much y’all thanks for coming
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