This is GNA be I’m excited about this episode just because like we’ve been wanting to do something that more than just kind of like hey what’s your trans experience like because right you know we say that over and over and over and we get the same questions the same same
Answers um well no take back we get everybody’s different but it’s um everybody’s different just like everybody else exactly so maybe we’ll figure you know what let’s figure it out yeah whatever works um hold on let me let me pop sh on the Fly oh I miss these N I miss vaping so
Much oh my God I need to [ __ ] quit I need I had to quit for surgery and then you know which I can do no problem which is weird but then like H I miss it so much I I’ve been like seven months so far and I just yeah I need to stop
Because I quit and then on Christmas like I didn’t do it I did it on Thanksgiving and then I quit for like three weeks and then on Thanksgiving or on Christmas um I just thought about my ex-wife and her new boyfriend and how they’re in love and and I was just like
I need something I got you so I got you ml right yeah so any any who um people told me that it was not going to help my healing okay right that was a big proponent and me stopping like it’s funny though like because in recovery like so many people
Smoke because it’s like the vice so I see it everywhere um yeah I need to I meant to throw these away when I left for New York but I didn’t whoops um cool so uh yeah so Bri you want since I sound like uh sound like this you want
To do the intro yeah yeah I got it okay all Right hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of Girl dad girls I’m one of your hosts Brie St Marie we have Breer and we have Quinn Gage welcome how you doing hi happy to be here good why don’t we start with just a little reader digest about who Quinn
Is sure um so I am 29 years old um years young yeah 20 years 29 years young I’m about to be 30 in March which for me feels old I know it’s not but you know it’s a big number um yeah I live in Connecticut um I guess a
Little bit about me um in my trans experience uh when I was 24 I decided to come out um and I’ve been on HRT for about four and a half years now um yeah I currently work in um sobriety so I work in recovery I work uh as a house manager of
A women’s Sober House um thank you for doing that that’s awesome yeah it’s it’s an experience for sure um and it feels cool to be like a trans woman like running a house like that you know what I mean it feels special um and I’m trying to not take it for granted um
There’s you know there’s 13 girls there right now and everybody’s got their own story and it’s you know it’s a lot but luckily through my experience you know I I feel like I have enough to offer and to bring to the table I I grew up you
Know I was like I think I was crossdressing on my own accord when I was like three or four um and you know from there it just kind of manifested and I I I kind of buried it away I was good at wearing a mask um I grew up you know doing masculine
Things um Sports you know I never played with Barbies I never did that kind of stuff but um you know there was always a part of me that felt different every birth they wish you know I wish I was a girl like God why can I wake up as a girl you
Know those kind of thoughts um yeah and it made it really confusing you know I went away to college and um and I remember the moment like I joined a fraternity and I was going through like pledging like in the South and it was like that real pledging what what
Fraternity uh Sigma Kai okay I was s up for a while oh my God my brother’s Sigma Kai oh that’s go oh baby Las Vegas oh wow yeah I was at the College of Charleston in South Carolina so okay definitely a different experience being down
South yeah I mean I was in I mean obviously in Virginia but oh yeah I realized it was just everybody’s always like you’re renting or you’re buying your friends you’re buying your friends like no no no no you’re renting your friends because as soon as you stop
Paying they’re not yours anymore I know that’s such a typical line you’re buying your friends I join I I had a semester there without pledging and all of my friends that I made who weren’t pledging ended up pledging Sigma Kai so I was like okay yeah why not um my dad was in
A fraternity you know so yeah I mean like I was in a it was I was in a band and like three of the guys in the band were like they all joined Sig up and so I was like okay and then I realized I freaking hated it I quit and it’s so
Funny how like you these people who are your brothers and then you stop being part of the Brotherhood and they don’t even know who you are anymore right it’s like as soon as you get through pledging all of a sudden they’re super nice instead of you know being blindfolded
For 16 hours sitting in a dark room listening to the same song on repeat you know being like kicked for getting a Brother’s full name wrong when they’re yelling in your face and then like you know you finish pledging and they’re like yo what’s up and I’m like this
Insane yeah it just confirmed how like that I was like what am I doing like I’m not a I’m not a man like what am I [ __ ] doing here the toxic masculinity was like ridiculous isn’t it though yeah it really I mean and like I always
Thought that I was just kind of like a wuss because I was like I never wanted to do all the things the boys were doing yeah and it was like oh I must just be a weirdo but um yeah like we all kind of feel that we all feel that like
Disconnect and there was a moment in College I remember where I just kind of word vomited into Google I was like I’m a boy and I like girls and I like doing guys stuff and I talk I don’t know like all this stuff but I feel like I’m trans
And I hit enter and I remember finding like forums like some like on Reddit some on other pages of people with the same experience and I remember just crying and I was like Wow and was like this sigh of relief it was like oh my God finally okay I’m trans and then like
13 seconds later was like oh [ __ ] I’m trans I’m trans oh [ __ ] is that weird very much that like that’s that’s crazy that you got to that point like by yourself because I feel like mine it took like three or four people to like push me to that line of like being able
To admit it because that was like I don’t know it’s like when Bri makes me give myself shots I’m just like I don’t want to do it I don’t want to do it I don’t want to do it and then somebody’s like do it do it pansy like I can’t do
It I can’t do my own estrogen shots I have to go terrifying and I takes me so long Bri just sits there like a little freaking masochist and just yeah I can’t do it I cannot do it um so so we we did want to like uh
For those who are listening uh hey hey everybody um we did want to like uh do an episode and um Quinn seems like a really great person to do this is like uh talking about addictions and um I know that Bri and I have suffered with
Some um some for me more recently than than others but um yeah um I guess Quinn do you mind like going into like your experience with it with like an addiction and um yeah just tell us about like I guess how you got like how you
Got into what you do and and whatnot yeah absolutely um so like you know I mean a lot of like I feel like a lot of addiction stems from like burying or like hiding things or you know escaping that’s really what it is it’s escapism in in one way or
Another you know and for a while I found that like you know I started smoking weed in high school you know started doing it everyday senior year um and then you know drinking of course and then when I got to college and I pledged the fraternity um we had to memorize you
Know every brother’s parents’ full names their hometowns their middle names in like a week on top of schoolwork and so you know I’d never taken anything else but someone offered me Aderall and uh I took it and it was that like Bradley Cooper and Limitless type feeling you
Know and I was like wow I can do anything and from there it just kind of took off you know it made me more confident it made me feel like less like self-conscious of like who I was but then I found like through smoking on Aderall that my constant thought was
Like everybody knows I’m trans like I sound feminine I’m doing this and it freaked me out so to counteract that I started taking Xanax um and from there it just kind of took off you know escaping everything I could all the anxieties I felt you know realizing I was trans and being like
Like I said oh I’m trans and then oh [ __ ] I’m trans and and just trying to bury that part of me down um what it almost sounds like it’s one of those like like okay we have mice so we got snakes get rid of the mice now we got
Dog to get the snakes now we got Bears to get rid of the dogs it’s like right it’s it’s one replacing the other that’s what addiction is you know I mean I was addicted to lotto tickets at one time you know I mean I was selling drugs and
Meeting people and I would go to the gas station and give them like $600 and just get a bunch of tickets and just scratch them off it was like I needed more bucks on scratchers what’s that 600 bucks on scratchers yeah yeah damn I know well
There I mean I got to a point where I was selling a lot of drugs and down south especially it was dangerous you know one pill is like a felony charge oh yeah yeah and I had you know hundreds to thousands at some point and and that was like for control for me
I felt like as dealing like I could control the situation I felt more in control of like how people treated me you know people were like nicer to me people wanted to be around me and like that was that was huge for me that’s that’s what I wanted that’s what I I
Wanted to feel like confirmed yeah and um yeah it’s always the it’s the disease of more you know you want more and it’s replacing one with like with another like Danny said um and from Xanax it it turned into painkillers and from painkillers it turned into heroin and Fentanyl and uh I
Moved back home and I was you know heavily addicted to that stuff for a few years still denying who I was burying that part of me down um so you know overdosing in my parents house waking up you know can I can I ask a question so I I
You know of course I watch Like dope sick and stuff like that yeah um but like I don’t fully grasp like the because you know everybody’s taking uh where is oxycodone and that that doti um painkillers the jump from that to heroin seems like that’s a common jump is that
Um I guess what is what is the what is the the link between those two that makes heroin like a substitute for is it is heroin a painkiller yeah so uh heroin is an opiate um it’s basically just a a stronger version or like a street version of what the pharmaceutical
Companies make it all comes from opiates um oxies you know um um peret vicadin all that stuff is um has has opiates in it and basically what it does in your brain is it floods it with dopamine and that’s that’s what we want that was the disease
Of more you know more of that more dopamine equals better feelings and and for most people what I’ve seen in recovery and working with people in recovery and for me you know know it was painkillers and painkillers were like $30 a piece um and that was expensive
And then eventually you go to your dealer they’re out of painkillers but they have heroin and you’re like I can’t go through withdrawals so I got to get this heroin and then from there it just you know it’s kind of like you said replacing snakes with bears Etc yeah I
Mean yeah it seems like it’s one of those um yeah it’s like the the that need to get you know to to and it’s not even like to to not feel pain but just sort like to get back to that like that happy place and I feel like every like I
Know a bunch of trans women who um for one reason or another I feel like it’s it’s like Society is basically making us feel horrible about ourselves and there’s a lot of I know for me personally like alcohol I was I was a massive alcoholic for a while and for me
Alcohol was like a time machine like it made every s second go by twice as fast right and so I was like I can get by this boring part of my life by drinking and um yeah and it made like it you know the confidence came in and um I would I
Could do a lot more stuff even though you know working in software I’d write a bunch of stuff when I was drunk and then I’d go back the next day and be like this is all garbage yeah but at the time it was great it was brilliant probably
Like all my pickup lines and everything um but uh that’s that okay that makes sense about the link between painkillers and uh and heroin it’s like it yeah I I had always thought that like people who got addicted to painkillers got like they were like in pain and that you know
They they just kept realizing that they need more and more painkillers to get to get rid of it but it’s like but you know that that whole like um that feeling of I need this even though you realize you don’t need it um but like I know for me
That happened um I guess back in September when I stopped drinking is I was actually and hopefully they don’t get mad at me but I was it was a Monday and I was drinking at work I had a 1.5 liter bottle of wine and um you know
Went to went and filled up a glass I was like I’m just going to have one glass like in at like 8 o’clock in the morning and then I was like I I got back to my desk and I was like okay I kind of feel kind of good because I work from
Home so I was like well you know maybe like half an hour later I was starting to die down a little bit let’s go you know get a get a little uh one more sippy Sip and about halfway through that bottle I was walking back past like my
Laundry um room and was like I can’t stop yeah like I I I need to stop but I can’t stop something is is pulling me like if I stop I’m going to feel bad that’s the worst feeling is when you want to stop but you know you can’t because eventually it wasn’t about
Getting high for me it was about not going through withdrawals because you can’t die from opiate withdrawals but you definitely feel like you are like it’s the worst flu and with alcohol you you can die from the withdrawals if it’s severe enough same with Xanax um it’s usually seizure uh induced
When people drink heavy amounts consistently all day and then you know go to um to try and stop it depends on the person but yeah they have you know the shakes and seizures and and it can it can mess you up so that actually happened to me I ow I had alcohol
Withdrawals three times within um a year period um I was to a point where I was too scared to quit because I knew that I had tipped over into dependency and um I eventually did quit the first time was not of my own valtion I had just gotten a stomach ulcer and I
Couldn’t take anything in anymore that is when I had probably the most terrifying withdrawal symptoms you can possibly imagine like visual auditory it was all there oh wow and um the second time I uh and I did that all on my own no hospital visit I just I probably was pretty close to
Dying on that one second time I did seize out and I hit my head on the window sill on the way down cracked It Wide Open um I woke up to paramedics in my house just sticky covered in blood um I did go to the hospital for that one and got some
Benzos and um then the third time I didn’t even know I had um tipped over into dependency again because it had only been like two months um but I was going through a handle every two days and I was like uh extremely high functioning like operating around a0 35 point4 I felt
Normal it was when I started getting sober is when I started feeling [ __ ] up um and I was drinking at work just nipping at that thing all day long and I would drink till I’d pass out when I got home and uh when I woke up at 4 in the
Morning I’d go back and hit it again until I passed out again until later in the day and this was all with my ex-wife who had no [ __ ] clue yeah nobody knew I mean when you’re high functioning it’s it’s scarier because it’s like look at me doing all this stuff like I’m
Accomplishing this like I’m doing this I’m successful in this like why should I stop drinking you know I’m not like those addicts that’s the problem too is there’s a ton of like stigma and stereotyping that goes along with addiction you know I mean even for me
Before I realized I was an addict you know you see AA in movies or na in movies and you’re like oh like it’s the bum on the street with the paper bag but that’s not what it is you know once you start to realize yeah like there’s
People high functioning people a ton of super successful people that are functioning addicts um I mean look at Chris Heron the Chris Haron story um he played for the Boston Celtics and he would um meet his dealer in the parking lot um and you know he would go and and
Score a triple double like high as a kite um and it’s crazy because like when you live like that it’s almost like well why should I stop yeah I’m killing it so there’s no reason to stop yeah exactly I was not one of those people I could not function my life was
Broken I just always yeah told myself that I could do a lot of things when I was drunk that I like you know you realize after the fact that you just have this like conf you give yourself this confidence boost like I like I used to drink and drive all the time like
There was there were so many times I should have gotten arrested like remember one time driving home uh from after taking a bunch of shots and like car in front of me slammed on its brakes and I went slightly out of the the way thought I I missed everything got home
And and woke up the next day and my tire was just eviscerated from this because I had hit the curb and I drove for the next three or four miles on this tire that was just basically like on the hubcap but I convinced myself I was like
Wow I’m so like oh I’m I’m I’m I’m so with it I missed everything it’s like no no no I hit the curb pretty hard enough to like I mean my car still has an imbalance because of me driving on it for uh on that little bit but I just say
I hit a pothole um but because of course like admitting that kind of stuff is only what you do on podcasts yeah the thing is for me is like this is so normal for me the things you guys are talking about like I live in this you
Know and I see this all the time and and I found that the best way way to to process it is to share it and be open and honest about it because all of us have done things that to a normal person you know might seem ludicrous or crazy
But in Sharing like with other atcts you know that’s why it works um yeah you know we can I mean I laugh about at some of the things I’ve done you know I mean I regret a lot of it and and I have things that haunt me but you know some
Of the stuff is it’s it’s like you got to just remember that it’s it’s the action but it’s not the person um yeah because I genuinely believed for years that I was a bad person um that’s just how I felt and it wasn’t till about like a year and a half
Sober my first time getting sober um that I realized like someone was wanted to be my friend and I was like it like blew my mind I was like wait like what you know I was like helping people I was like doing good things I wasn’t like instantly going to someone’s house
And like checking their purse or checking their medicine cabinet because it got to that point for me um oh wow and it’s been it’s been a crazy journey and and being trans I mean influenced a lot of it you know the escapism yeah um yeah I found oh goe go
Ahead oh um I found that cuz I got sober after I got sober and then I came out as trans and I had like a little over a year and I didn’t think that by coming out as trans that I wasn’t an addict but I felt like this immense weight was off
My shoulders it wasn’t every thought consuming me every day I wasn’t walking past people girls being like why can’t I be that person or why do I have to live this way and and that was my downfall I ended up going back to relapsing and I I
Ended up in like a meth induced psychosis at one point and and I didn’t understand that the addiction although being a part of being trans like wasn’t um it wasn’t the only reason there’s so much that goes into why we’re addicts and why we act this way and um and why
We you know genetically function as addicts I I do think yeah there is like a um almost like a like a little nudge that we all get because I know especially for like for Bri and myself uh qu I’m not sure your story but like bri and I with our relationships falling
Apart it’s um I know for me I was drinking heavily before when I was married because I didn’t like who I was and I worked out a whole bunch and got really in shape and I was like I liked my myself the bigger I got the less I
Liked myself and so I was like well this isn’t working let’s go ahead and just drink through it and maybe maybe we’ll get sosis of the liver and die um but that didn’t work either so um but then you know then I realized let me go you there’s something painful that
I’m hiding and you know figured out what it was but then you know compound that with okay now I’m getting divorced my um all of my my friends uh treat me like this weird kind of like hybrid person and you know you start realizing like
All of your all the things that you used to do to make yourself feel better hanging out with your friends I mean for me it was hanging out with my wife um all these things that I had as my support network were all gone and so I
Was went back to drinking CU it was like there’s something out there that’s going to make me not feel not think about my ex-wife getting porked by a new boyfriend um so yeah gross no I I listen I lost a relationship that when I had that year
And a half sober um I was in a relationship with a girl who I was with before I came out as trans and then after and that was like a big deal and I loved her very much and you know when I started doing the drugs again it like
Warped my perception and I cheated on her with with men and um and I ruined that relationship and that caused a massive spiral when when that is taken away or when that’s gone um yeah it just it feeds itself it feeds the addiction and and loneliness you
Know I always hear in the rooms the opposite of addiction is connection you know isolating and being lonely and feeling alone just fuel why we use the substance we do I I always I mean I guess kind of like U it’s sort of like a relationship um because I always
Use the analogy of like for for a relationship and why I’m so adverse to them now but like it’s like you’re walking along and somebody comes along and like they’re like hey here’s this crutch and you’re like but I don’t need it and they’re like yeah well just carry
It with you you may like it and so you start carrying the crutch and like okay this thing’s getting a little heavy let me try like just walking on it it’s like oh actually this is kind of nice nice and then you start depending on it you
Need it and then somebody comes along and takes it away from you and you’re like I need I I realized I needed that and you know somebody else comes along and they’re like hey you know you start to start to learn to walk again and somebody comes along he like hey you
Want another crutch and you’re just like no I know what that’s GNA do right that sucks and you know it’s like you know you’re you’re sitting there crawling and you’re almost like looking like begging people for a crutch like please does anybody have crutch and um you know
You’re going to go into some some Dark Places um you’re willing to do some uh weird depraved stuff to get a crutch um but yeah I mean I always I always likened it for relationships but it kind of sounds almost like what like addiction to drugs could be too it’s
Like I just need something I like drugs or you know or gambling too because I like I have a I won’t say who but it’s uh somebody very close to me who got really into Party Poker and um they spent I think they you know they they won like $5,000 playing Party
Poker and then ended up like going in the whole like 32 Grand and just because they couldn’t stop um and it was just like like this addiction of like keep kept needing to to gamble and it was like anything that you could that this person could bet on they would do it and
It’s like um yeah I mean there it had to go into rehab for gambling which you know I didn’t realize that was a thing yeah but yeah um yeah it’s it’s it’s crazy I feel like the the trans Community because we all get sort of pushed away from our
Connections that we have like you were saying uh the the losing all your connections kind of causes you to dig down to you know find something find another crutch something else GNA that’s going to to boy you for a bit um buoy I don’t know how to say words um excuse me
As people if you can hear I sound [ __ ] terrible um but uh yeah like I don’t know and I guess I also wanted to to kind of be sort of hopeful though I know that we’ve been kind of down and and sad about stuff um but I did want to
Kind of go over like some I mean obviously saying coping mechanisms is kind of like trit and it seems like sort of to almost like we’re like we’re lecturing people hey here’s how you get sober it’s like I don’t I don’t know I just I realized I had a
Problem I think what you were saying is is admitting it is a big one because I told people I was like look I drank on a weekday and while I was supposed to be at work and I was like look you work can find out and they’ll fire me and and
That sucks but um you know at least I I’m not hiding it anymore yeah um yeah absolutely and I I agree like you know for me like right actually in this desk right here um I have like my two-year coin and then my three-year coin because
Yeah thank you for me I I had three and a half years the day after Christmas uh sober and and you’re right like there is um there’s so much so the I mean in 12-step programs um you know one the first thing they say is like admitting that you’re powerless
And that your life has become unmanageable like powerless over the substance that you use and and people see that word and they they kind of like back off a little bit they’re like well I’m not powerless you know I I have control over this and or they think that
By saying they’re powerless that that that everything is um out of their control and for me I found so much power in admitting that I was powerless because it’s not admitting that I’m powerless over everything in existence it’s it’s admitting that I was powerless over this substance that I
Couldn’t stop using and by admitting that I gained so many things back you know I was able to to find a job um find a relationship where I could actually give myself to that person fully um and and get so many things back in my life and and yeah it’s it’s like tools
There’s tools of recovery um and um there’s so many things that really help and yeah admitting that you have a problem is the first part because it’s not just admitting it to other people it’s admitting it to yourself and that’s that’s a tough thing to
Do yeah I mean I think the like for me it was that point when I was walking down the hallway and I said to myself stop and then I realized I just kept walking and I was like I can’t stop and it was that like there was almost like
This like Epiphany moment where I was like I mean and I didn’t stop I went down and finish that freaking bottle um and uh but it was like that that point internally where I was like I I can’t stop and realizing that like I’m powerless yeah I’m going to go continue
To do this thing but in the future I’m going to be able to look back and think about this point this like indelible moment that got stuck in my brain of like I can’t stop doing this and like I guess that’s kind of the the I mean I don’t know if that’s
Um I mean I I think most people they they they’re supposed they tell you to like realize that after you like you know sober up and then make that realization but for me it was a realization in the moment of like I oh yeah like I did I and I didn’t stop um
Like I said I kept going and like I feel like most if if people can come to that that point of being able to say I’m still I’m I’m I’m doing this I’m going to continue to do this for a little bit longer but I realize right now this is
That this is that feeling of of being power of not of having something have control over me you feel that little monster on your shoulder that’s saying keep doing it keep keep going keep going keep going um and iess monster there it’s not like a like some people talk
About I’ve heard people say like I woke up one day and I was like enough is enough and I’m never used again from that moment on and to me you know maybe maybe for some people that definitely wasn’t my story it it’s very similar to
Yours of you know realizing oh my God I have a problem um or this is something I I have to you know do something about and not doing it quite in that moment um because that realization is a big deal and it doesn’t mean that immediately everything is you know going to change
Or whatever it’s it’s a process it’s um it’s it’s a journey all of recovery is a journey and step by step you have these moments where you remember um that this was was like a turning point and it wasn’t this immediate like solid bright light and everything was better
It it’s um it’s a stepping stone and you’re right that that first part is huge and it’s crucial um because that is the step that eventually will get you moving towards that you know for me again it was 12ep programs and I found that the the thing that really helped
Was I realized I didn’t have to do it alone I felt very alone in my my addiction and um and I felt like nobody had a story like mine uh there’s actually this is really interesting because I found this in the last six months um I run a lot of groups at the
Women’s house um and sometimes we read from the program books and I read a story in the na program book and it was called terminally unique um and that’s a problem that a lot of addicts have is we feel like nobody is like us nobody has our story
Nobody can relate to the things that we’ve been through and I read it not knowing what the story was and the story was about a transwoman um trying to get sober and going through life and having to deal with all these problems and I remember
Reading it in that group and I I started sobbing like mid story I never thought that I would see my story um and it interesting enough is uh she she had a procedure scheduled for her um gender reassignment surgery and she had to postpone it because um there were complications uh
For whatever reason and and I think about my thing with my ffs surgery um having to postpone it because of covid you know it’s a little different in the sense that I got it like booked relatively soon after but you know that that was a moment for me and it really
Made me realize I wasn’t alone and as trans people especially we feel like our story is so unique and different than other peoples and and it’s not we’ve all been through things that have gotten us to this point um and that’s what it’s all about is other people sharing
Experiences and Building Hope on that and you know one of the I mean in that same vein like I think one of the things that I like is I I’ve I’ve quit drinking uh before in the past and it was like all you know it’s it’s like you you stop
Drinking say like you know you stop drinking on a Monday and then on a Tuesday you’re sort of expecting everybody to come out and like you know Heap all this Praise on you oh you’re so you know you’re so brave you’re so wise and it’s like one day like that’s not
Really that much um you know it’s like uh and even i’ I’ve realized that even like you know week or I think for me it’s usually happens around like 10 days after stopping drinking it was like the the aggravation I I’d be i’ get mad at
Somebody and that that was my like litus test like okay cool I just got really piss like irrationally pissed off at somebody and yelled at them okay now I’m over that hurdle um but like even that like I would tell people it’s like I’m 11 days sober and they’re like [ __ ]
Whoop-de-doo dummy like that’s not like you know but yeah I was always kind of like looking for this validation of like hey um tell me I’m you know tell me I’m doing something good um and most people are like why aren’t you drinking like oh
Well live in a drinking Town um I’m I’m taking money away from the breweries but uh yeah like I I just always wanted that validation of you know especially a couple days in I was like oh you know I used to drink every day and I’ve gone
Three days and people are like cool you know make it a month make it a year um and um I mean um yeah I I I think the all the the like sober apps have really kind of been helping because it’s like gamifying in a little bit although I had
To probably to restart because may have had a a drink in New Year’s Eve but um excuse me um but it was only one and I um uh yeah it was just because I was at a bar and and that’s okay like you know when my I so I’m I’m I mean obviously
I’m very invested in 12-step programs and I’m not here to be like a poster child for it but um I did find that going to meetings and stuff and people sharing because you’re right normal people are like whoopy do you’ve been sober for three days going to a meeting
And hearing somebody that’s been sober three days everybody is like let’s [ __ ] go like that’s a big deal because it is for some people you know you never realize like when you’re stuck in addiction some people have been drinking consistently for 30 40 years every day and then they decide to take
That step and they’re like you know I’m 13 days sober those are the people that I pay attention to in the room because it reminds me what it’s like to be there and it’s such a big turning point and you see sometimes these people that are
Struggling day by day and and again some people that aren’t addicts may not get that but like for us it’s a huge accomplishment you know I work with people that are early in recovery and every time there’s a anniversary for a month um we all like celebrate it
Because it’s a big deal it really is yeah and some people don’t get that can yeah let me let me jump for a second um so I didn’t have any in the moment thing it was my third time uh detoxing and my my ex-wife told me um this is going to
Be your last time if you do it again we’re we’re done so I went as shrined as I was to do it I went to AA and it is everything that you said like I walked I walked in and as bad as I was I was like
I’m going to be the worst [ __ ] in the room and I was so far from it and it was so humbling because you walk I it was in Lakeway Texas which is kind of a ritzy area you walk into this meeting there’s the dude that drove the Lamborghini
There to that meeting and then there’s the guy that he picked up that lives under the bridge on the way to the meeting because he doesn’t have a car and they are three days in and you’re like oh I am so far from the worst
Person in the room and it just gives you this uplifting uh feeling a little bit and I went to AA for a year I didn’t necessarily uh resonate with all the the whole portion of the program but it really helped me just being around others that were in the same boat or in
A very different boat in uh that sort of way but it’s um it worked and I sto I did stop going because Co happened and they did it over zoom and I’m an in-person person so I did figure out during that time yeah right uh but in that time I did start
Going to a therapist and figure out what you know like what I was suppressing and uh because I didn’t have an in the moment thing it was like I had relegated myself to um I’m dying I don’t know when I don’t know when the therosis is going
To happen um we’re just going to keep riding this High until I eventually you know conquer out um and uh after that I got sober and that was uh four and a half years ago and now I’m on bonus time so just figuring out what the hell to do with it
Yeah right all this time back all this life yeah you know uh the like the the rooms are like alcohol I guess is the great equalizer is what some people say is the person with the Lamborghini or the doctor I live in a very um bougie area of
Connecticut on the shoreline and some of the meetings I go to you know these guys are in suits at 7:30 and they’re on their way to Wall Street you know taking the train to New York and in in the same vein you know the the person living on
The streets that comes into the room and it’s a powerful experience to realize there it alcohol doesn’t affect a specific group of people um it it can affect anybody I mean we saw it when the opio the opiate um epidemic came you know in the mid 2010s and you know I had kids
From my high school die uh overdose and die um and you know I lived in a suburban area and and when that started to happening unfortunately that’s what it took for people to start realizing that there was a problem um but it affects everybody you know I had
A childhood that could not have been better you know my parents love and support me as a transwoman I’m so grateful for them you know they always gave me everything I needed and wanted you know my dad was my little league coach you know he’s my hero my mom over
A little overprotective but a great mother um and and it still got me you know addiction still got me um but the the beautiful thing is that there is there is ways to to to do it you know there’s these apps as Danny was saying um that track days or give you uplifting
Quotes there’s therapy um that you know Bri you mentioned like I’m in therapy um still like every week um and there’s the 12ep programs there’s there’s so many ways to do it and you realize how beautiful it is to have that part of your life back because yeah you
You start dying and and it’s scary um or uh I think it’s uh and this kind of actually I’d like to get you all’s opinion on this but um one of the things I got when I first realized that I was like I made an effort to do it is I I
Found something I think it’s called like drinking uh quit drinking without trying or something like that but essentially I don’t know if you’ve heard of this this this book um but uh that’s kind of where I got the concept of like a little monster that’s sitting on your shoulder
Because he talks about little monster and a big monster um but like one of the things that he says and actually kind of counter contradicts like a lot of what we’ve already been saying in this whole thing is he’s like telling yourself that you’re powerless almost like makes you
Feel like it’s um I can’t remember how he says it but it’s like it’s don’t tell yourself that you’re power that you’re quitting something because it’s like you’re not really quitting something doing something you’re basically just saying I’m not going to uh allow myself to get to that point of throwing up for
Like for me it was always at like one drink was never enough and uh one drink was too much and 30 was never enough but like he talks about like you see that person that that that’s stumbling out of the bar at 3:00 a.m. and throwing up in
The in the alley and you’re like do you want to be that person or like for me it was going to the brewery on a Friday at lunch getting two or three beers going home back to you know back to work and being exhausted for the rest of the day
Like kind of like wanting to pass out at 2 o’clock because I couldn’t drink anymore I needed to be at work and just it’s like now I go to like basically saying I don’t need that first one because the first One’s Gonna the first one’s always the best and the last one’s
Always the worst and so why have the first one um but that’s essentially what he says is like if you can convince yourself in your head that and this I mean this obviously is not going into not delving into the people who are like you know the dependency people I think
It’s mostly the people who are like right on that cusp of being dependent on it but if you can basically say like tell yourself I don’t need this one because this one’s going to be the best one ever this one this one’s going to be
The least bad I guess and then they just go down from there because you’re always chasing that high to get back to that same point but it’s like if you can say I you know afterwards I’m going to be really happy I didn’t do this um and number remember like there are several
Times recently that I’ve been driving home on Friday after not having a beer at the brewery where I’m just like feel like you have so much energy you’re just like I can go and like I get home and and I don’t fall asleep um but yeah like
Uh I mean and and and the only the only reason I bring that up is because it almost kind of counter contradicts like the 12 step thing of like admitting that you like you you’re powerless because he’s like he tell he basically says that like you have you you have the power
It’s just um yeah like I can’t remember how he says it but um it’s it’s like yeah you have the power to to basically say I don’t want this anymore you then and if you can convince yourself that um you don’t want to be that person uh
Hunched over in the in in the corner of the bar throwing up um and just think about that as opposed to thinking about excuse me um as opposed to thinking about how fun you are when you have that first drink it’s like he even goes into like how you know when you see
Somebody who’s who’s drunk do you think they’re funny and it’s like probably not um yeah one of the things I tried to do was going to parties without drinking and seeing if I could have the same interactions with people and it’s like the first couple times I was a little
Bit unsure what to do and what to say but then I realized I was like being as articulate I was being more articulate and I was able to tell people the same stories that I I mean I I told them better stories and I was like everybody always thinks they’re so
Funny they’re so Charming they so sweet on alcohol it’s like no you’re just annoying and you think everybody thinks you’re funny yeah um but yeah like I remember going to parties and um being like this is gonna suck I’m gonna hate this everyone’s G I’m not gonna want to
Talk to these people but it makes you like for me at least I cared so much more about what other people were saying like when I was drinking all I could do is think about how I wanted to tell them all these stories and so them them using
Their their face hole to to make noise was just time sucking up time for me to talk as yeah as you can tell I like to talk but you know but it made me listen and basically and say take in the information that they’re saying and and
Think oh wow like um this person’s actually like qu kind of interesting so as I thinking everybody’s boring yeah so sorry that was a lot that was a lot of words no no absolutely I like to listen yeah no and and and it’s true too because like we realize how
Much better some things are sober I’ve gone to concerts that I used to be you know so [ __ ] up for um I had to be and I’ve gone sober and I’ve realized how much fun it is but I I didn’t like I couldn’t imagine that I was on my way there and I
Was like I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do this this is going to be hard but like you go and you appreciate the music and you can hear it all you don’t black out halfway through the set or whatever and you remember it you know I
Can’t tell you how many shows I’ve been to where I tell people I’m like oh yeah I went to this concert yeah I saw this person live and they’re like oh how was it and I’m like I don’t know like probably good I was there I that’s that’s about it you
Know well actually one of the things real quick is like and this is not really I mean it’s kind of like an addiction but I remember I was down in Texas and I went we did like a float that after the float we were going to go
See um oh God what’s it the uh um some a really famous band and so everybody got to the end of the float and like it was hot and um everybody was drunk remember like basically a bunch of us just passing out in this field and I woke up
And I was like I’m not missing this band so I went pounded a bunch of Dr Peppers as opposed to like drinking more and I didn’t have anything else to drink after that I just had a [ __ ] ton of caffeine and I remember like there were people
Who were in The you know you could see the people who were sort of just you know muddling their way through it through the concert but I was sitting there and um um I was really enjoying it because it was I mean it was that band that did
The uh in the back of a boat just like we do I can’t remember who that band is um you know that song ah I’m gonna play it yeah um damn it uh but yeah like they were um it was really good I remember like really enjoying the concert because
I was sober yeah and yeah um that one I mean it wasn’t me getting over addiction but it was like just realizing that like I wanted to wake up and it made the concert so much better because I was listening to it yeah those are the moments [ __ ] band one second you talk
About yourself yeah there was uh the one thing that I cherish most about my sobriety is the clarity that comes with it and it took 10 11 12 months for it to come back because I was you know i’ gotone dark for so long um but when it
Did come back to me it’s like you know all of my problems that I would just duck and Dodge and obligations that I would you know Sherk uh everything just became easier and more manageable something that was so easy to do was so daunting when I was you know
Half a handled down just like I’ll handle that tomorrow three months later no like still not done um but yeah being just being able to make clear conscious decisions without you know having any anxiety about it or just you know diving back into that bottle is just I wouldn’t trade it for any
That the anxiety for me was the big part I mean I can’t even imagine those you I mean you know you guys know those first like few days weeks months after coming out and going out presenting as a woman it’s [ __ ] terrifying it is terrifying like I mean oh my God and and
I before I came out when I really had the worst of my addiction I couldn’t even make eye contact with people I couldn’t go to class like I couldn’t I’d go to class and I’d try to turn the handle and I’d have to walk away I
Couldn’t do it and like I can’t imagine going through those early days of transitioning like that you know the anxiety the clarity all that stuff comes back yeah well yeah I mean like there were I think that was for me um I know I know when when I started
Transitioning one of my biggest things is I was like I’m old I mean I’m I started when I was 37 um wow oh stop um Connecticut you say okay sorry if M was here she’d uh she’d play the Danny hits on our guest music apparently are so hot trans girls are so
Hot it’s the best um well I have I have a whole theory that too uh but um yeah like uh oh crap I forgot what saying um damn it we what look the clarity oh yeah oh did you find the band no I I can’t think of I I kept typing it
In and it kept coming it was like even if I was a little toad stool sitting in the back of a boat just like we do uh even if I sleep all day even if I sleep all it’s going to come at like 3 in the morning yeah
Out of bed and just like scream it out loud got oh yeah it’s called wa the song’s called ways to go um anyways um uh oh um but um oh man I forgot what we were even talking about um yeah I I don’t know I’m uh I I think my sobriety oh oh
Oh oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so um when I first started transitioning I realized that you know I’m older so um these medic the the effects are not going to hit me as quickly as they would if I were younger um and I wanted I
Wanted to to see changes like right away yeah so one of the things I started doing was exercising a bunch like I’d go out and run a 5k like every other day um and uh but alcohol was like one of those things that kept it it no matter how much I worked
Out you know I’d be like I I I’d go do you know a Core workout and then I’d go pound six beers and it’s like it essentially wasn’t I mean like I I lost weight but then kind of like it plateaued and it wasn’t until like around September when I completely cut
It out that like I started seeing a lot of the effects like come like a lot of that the effort that I’d put in earlier like make muscle grow the muscles that they were hiding underneath all that alcohol um I guess fat that that I was acre but basically
Seeing seeing those results start to come out was awesome it’s like oh wow like it made me not want to drink because I was like cool like if if not drinking for a week does this what does not drinking for a month do and I saw
What that did and I was like wow what is what about not drinking for three months for a 100 days um and then have one drink on New Year’s Eve or the day before I can’t remember anyways I think it was sick on New Year’s Eve um anyways
Um but yeah like it’s I think if you can find uh find the benefits like for me alcohol was a you know made me made my skin bad it gave me Pudge around my around my Pudge sections um and basically like find something about yourself that gets
Better every time you don’t drink um you know it’s like I could drink these six beers and then tomorrow Danny’s going to be like why’ you drink those six beers I have Pudge now um but um yeah I mean I guess that’s the hard part about getting
Older and and still drinking as much as I was when I was younger is the Pudge sticks around I like I’m in like the weird category of weight that um I never group love when I first grp love when I was like first getting sober before I transitioned I think I was like
210 that was like the biggest I was and then I thought that the fat distribution would happen but like I instead I just lost the weight and so I don’t have like hips or anything and I I it’s like a bummer because I’m like oh my God I just
That’s all I want you know I mean how tall are you I’m six feet oh okay yeah I like to say that 51 but I’m six feet tall I mean I always say 510 and a half because I’m like no don’t give me 5’11
Um but yeah I got up to I think I ballooned up to like five or 215 I think was my heaviest and um yeah and then like I I and then I started working out excuse me excuse me goodness gracious I stopped eating McDonald’s and Wendy’s uh every day
And I got down to like 175 176 but like I could not get below that and then I stopped drinking for a couple weeks and months and it just freaking fell off yeah alcohol definitely adds that like beer gut or whatever you want to call it well and I
Mean well and the only reason that I keep that I’m saying all these like these you know one-off little positive things is hopefully somebody who’s listening all three people who ever listened to this stuff um our garbage podcast but it’s fun um hey everybody we love
You but um if if one of these things resonates with somebody then hopefully it um it does some good but like yeah um basically seeing the health benefits but uh and then you know just the the sort of the long term that you can say like
Okay cool right now sucks but in week it’s going to be great or in um in a month it’s going to be great and being able to like just see in the future it’s like um I’m going to like myself so much better and and I I guess also one of the other
Points that I want that maybe y’all have thoughts on is I’m realizing I was up in New York uh recently and was walking around I tripped coming out of the subway phone fell out hit the curb and broke screen complet compl unusable and luckily I kind of had my wits about me
Because I was walking around Manhattan uh a uh a tall trans girl who did not pass very well apparently um but like I realize that like had I been like stumbling around being drunk like I would have been a pretty easy target yeah for somebody to like to hate on and
I don’t know maybe like that’s another reason to to you know basically say like I’m not going to drink very much BEC or at all because if I do I’m G to get drunk and someone’s going to hate crime me but I don’t know yeah I you know the
The health benefits for sure like I remember looking at pictures of me like just using and like how hollow I look like I just look you know like the bags under the eyes like and for me it was because the drugs I was using it was weight loss so
You know I was like Skin and Bones like being six feet tall when I went into the hospital um at one point I remember I was down to like 130 125 at six feet tall yeah I could barely like walk on my own because when you do I mean it was
The only time I really did math but when you do it you don’t eat and you don’t sleep and you don’t realize that you’re not doing those things but um that it just drains off of you and you look like crap and yeah when we’re transitioning
We want to see instant results but you know stopping drugs or stopping alcohol is like one of the best things to do in order to like make yourself feel better but also look better you know Well everybody’s like you know the whole binge and Purge thing um like you know
Like I stopped eating for a bit too because I wanted to lose weight and I realized that like yeah but then you also I mean like it always comes from like the muscle mass and so cool like I lost a bunch of weight by not
Eating but I lost my butt and I’m like cool like yeah I kind of look like like takes it off the places you don’t want it yeah yeah like um yeah Grant you know like yeah okay now I’m down to like a size to but it also no one wants to no
One wants to see my Skeletor ass so um but yeah yeah I mean like I I don’t know I I I also have realized um that it’s really easy when you stop um one Vice to pick up other viic um what do you mean and so sorry everybody who’s watching
Sorry um this is I’ll get rid of it um but also like I realized recently so I I cut out alcohol I actually even cut this out for a while but what did I start doing was [ __ ] eating sugar like I I would go and get like poptarts and
That I had I went to the to the Harris Teeter here um and got like an entire red velvet cake and one of those giant congratulations cookies I don’t know why I wasn’t celebrating anything congratulations I needed to say congratulations on not not vaping and not drinking so let me get a real
Addicted to Sugar again yeah that happened when I quit I found uh I found Bluebell pretty damn hard I was having like a pint every day and I just like when I quit that first time I had uh I’m I was 5’10 at the time I’m
5’8 now um that’s crazy yeah I love HRT remember seeing you post about that and I was so jealous like my feet shrunk but like my height I would give anything to be 5’8 56 oh my right like I was I was in the subway around all these girls
And I kind of felt like I was shap Runing like a like a third grade dance or something I’m like damn it like and of course standing out like crazy then all the guys are just like why does that dude look like a chick um that’s crazy to me because you look
Great like I don’t see it uh I think they hear me they hear me talk and they see my mannerisms and the fact that I’m like walking around like a dude because I have no idea what to do I’m I’m a trash from Virginia yeah um yeah well we’ll see I’m going to
Learn I’m going to be in New York uh I’m moving there at the end of the month so uh you have come down hang teach me how to teach me how to girl I’m still trying to figure it out yeah I mean New York City New York City
Is that where you’re moving yeah I I’m I’m I think I found an apartment in um like the Lincoln Square like lower manhatt or uh Midtown Manhattan area right over by Central Park me a billionaire I um I I mean I’m like probably like an hour and a half for two
Hour train ride from New York City I love it there I went in July I got a tattoo there from a guest spot um of this girl I got a Pokemon tattoo that I really wanted yeah and it’s right here I got yeah it’s kind of hard to show but
Yeah um we’ll do we’ll do in the after hours yeah yeah we can do it in the after hours and I was there and I loved it but yeah I being taller is like it’s a [ __ ] it’s definitely you know that’s like the one thing I I normally like I normally pass
Pretty well like I don’t I don’t think I’ve been gendered as a guy like um I occasionally I do um we got to say this the standard M line wait are you TR you trans you are a l of I know right wait wait what am I doing here yeah um well
Yeah I mean and like you get all the girls who are like oh I wish I was tall it’s like shut up no shut up yeah shut up I hate that I’m sorry but I hate that so much Quinn if it makes you feel any better at all two of our guests have
Been six foot three yeah no listen I follow I follow a girl who’s like I think like six seven or something [ __ ] something like really tall yeah and I feel for them you know it’s got to be tough and I’m like yeah I’m at that point where I’m tall but
Like it’s not like tall enough that it’s like an automatic like oh that’s a guy or whatever because like when I’m out and like a guy holds the door open for me I’m like oh thank you you know what I mean like that kind of
[ __ ] I did that today I tried to hold a door open for a guy and he goes oh no no after you like all right thank you oh thank you thanks so much oh my goodness yeah I do that a lot like when I’m out and stuff um because my natural
Voice is more like this like this has always been that sounds what are you talking about that sounds like your your your natural voice sounds like when I’m trying to raise like I’m like hi everybody like well I I don’t know if this helped me but I used to record
Music um I used to be a I used to be a rapper and I did a lot of like uh like shows and stuff back in high school and college um it was a lot of fun but I I recorded a lot of music so a lot of it
Was like going over the same thing and having to put different Cadence on stuff and so I’d like record a line and I’d be like no let me do it different and then I’d like raise it or lower it so I don’t know if that’s helped me as far as like
Changing my voice um on the Fly and stuff but Danny that makes three Yeah the secret is be a vocalist sing see I’m sitting over here like Oh I’m a drummer I’m gonna learn how to do this and like no drummers are the [ __ ] worst what’s a key
Um but uh so well Quinn uh we we uh we usually like to um to lighten the mood a little bit with some uh some uh lighter questions if that’s all right sure yeah absolutely cool um well I I I’m going to go ahead and ask uh my favorite of the
Questions um this is one that we’ve asked everybody because I don’t know it’s something that I thought of when I was first like um first starting to like find motivation in my transition and it kind of helped but apparently everybody’s got one what is your transition theme song oh
Yes I don’t know I don’t know if I had it like early in my transition um but right now like I the one that like I really feel like I connect with is a Kim Petra song um heart to break I don’t know I just like song I love it so
So I found Kim when she was like 16 like there was an article written about her as like the first trans person to get uh gender reassignment surgery in Germany I remember finding that when I was younger before I transitioned and I was like oh my God that girl’s beautiful and they
Talked a little bit about her being a singer fast forward and now she’s like this Superstar icon the most gorgeous person in existence and like yeah that song for me is just like hell [ __ ] yeah girl you know one one thing I will
Say so I was in New New York and we went to a gay bar and um they were like I feel kind of almost like like like like they’re appropriating when when when gay when like you’re at a gay bar and they’re like not you know they’re very exclusively like you know guy
Cisgendered Guy gay but then they start playing a Kim Petra song it’s like hang on hang on hang on hang on that’s you [ __ ] appropriating our [ __ ] damn it yeah it’s like like it you know it’s like you know they’re sitting there dancing to it and then you know I walk
In and everybody’s kind of looking at me like why is there a chick here um yeah and it’s like y stop playing our music that’s mine it’s mine that’s ours un [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] I don’t go play a bunch of Wham come on um I do actually I
Love but yeah uh so okay so Quinn also so you’re because you’ve you’ve been transitioning for so long um we have a bunch of sort of either new egg cracks or um or they’re about like the eggs about to crack and people listening to this um what kind of advice would you
Give somebody on I guess when when you first came out like uh you know I guess you did your your Google search and whatnot um about like that feeling how do you like how did you get over that uh that that hump of knowing this you are question yeah
That’s a great question um I so I remember because I was like so deeply like in this like masculine hole of like whatever I knew whoever I came out to was going to be shocked and and I realized I was like my question came into my head I was like and this
Is like no like this is everybody has a different story and stuff but you know where I was at my age I remember continuously crossdressing looking cute in the mirror whatever and then masculine features started coming in and I was like oh [ __ ] like this is my
Moment and I was like I had to realize I was like what like this is this could be my only chance to experience existing we don’t know what happens after this we don’t know what happens when we pass on and I think about these people that you know these poor people
That were trans and never got the chance to be themselves um at any point and I was like yeah I can’t be that person like what if I like I for a while my goal was like reincarnation is real reincarnation is real and I’m going to
Come back as a super pretty girl and that was like what I was going to do and I was like I don’t know what’s going to happen like this is my chance and at that point I was like you know at the ledge and it’s like you just got to
Take that jump and it’s so scary but once you do it because it’s something you know you can’t take back or whatever um but once you do it it’s out there the initial stuff wears off and people just know you as that like nobody knows me as Zach anymore that’s crazy but like
Everybody here just knows me as Quinn and and that’s so special for me like I never thought I was gonna have that and it’s a slow process it is but it’s crazy once you start to like you get to like three months and then you look at the
First day and you’re like oh my God I look so much better and then you get to a year and you look at three months and you’re like abolutely and then you get two years yeah yeah and you’re like there’s a picture of me bowling I’m
Coming back from bowling at the lane and like I just look like it’s bad it’s bad that’s awesome it’s just so cringe but like that was part of the experience you know and like it’s once you do it it’s like you get the ball rolling and it’s only it only
Gets better from there um it’s scary to be like it’s the biggest change that a human being can make in my opinion um yeah and learning all this new stuff but along the way you figure it out you really do I had no idea how to do makeup
I still don’t know what I’m doing with my hair like I don’t I just don’t um it it looks good it look you’re you’re you look beautiful thank you I before we got on here I was like I turned on my curling iron and then I turned on my
Straightener and I was like what do I do with my hair what do I do with my hair and I was like I put it up and then I put it back down I was like scrambling the last 15 minutes before we started I uh yeah it’s just it’s just
Doing it and I know that’s so simple and it sounds so cliche but taking that first step and then the scary part of going out out and knowing people might be looking at you and you you kind of learn to form that hard shell um well
And and tell me if you if you think the same thing is I one of my biggest realizations that I didn’t have when I was still in boy mode was um it was it like I always say it was depressing but also really relieving that I’m not the
Center of everyone else’s Universe like I thought I was and people walking by you there’s 10 things that they can have on the Forefront of their brain you are not like if like you being a trans person is maybe like 11 or 12 on their list they have like they’ll look at you
For a second and unless they’re a real big [ __ ] they go back about their day because um you know because Jim Bob on the street doesn’t really well Jim Bob is probably probably a big name anyway um but yeah but uh you know Seth on the Street doesn’t really have you know he’s
Got his own things to do as opposed to sit around and and U yeah you know criticize us but yeah like nobody I was worried everybody was gonna give a [ __ ] and the only people who uh like who really cared were happy mostly right yeah isn’t that funny you think that
These people are going to be uh they’re going to follow you around the rest of your life berating you and you know you’re going to walk out your front door to go to work and they’re all going to be there as a group to be like haha look
At you you [ __ ] weirdo but no even if they do give you [ __ ] it’s for less than 60 seconds and then you move on and then they forget about you forever exactly it’s never it’s never at that point like there are people like you said that are bigots and
They maybe spend like 30 seconds on it and then that that is what it is um but yeah it’s it is it you’re right it’s such a beautiful realization to realize I we’re not the center of the universe you know and all of us all of us have taken that
Step and it’s really just to me it’s just one step it’s one step it’s a very big step but once you take it and you start that Journey it’s like a snowball it goes downhill and it just keeps going the the the Elation that comes with once
You tell somebody and you find and you realize that they’re happy yeah that’s a drug in of itself is like because then you start think oh this is like you know it’s it’s it’s like when you’re you’re like you you think something like oh wouldn’t it be great if this this and
This happened but it’s just sort of you’re just ideating on it it’s like okay there’s no there’s no chance it’s actually going to happen but then things start to come together to make it so that thing can happen you’re like oh wow this may actually happen I may be able
To do this and all these things that you have bottled up in you about like I would I really want to look good in a dress I really want to have boobs these things start to become actualized and you’re like oh [ __ ] I can do that and
Everybody out there you can if you if you if you want to you can do it you can I remember reaching out to trans girls on Instagram uh followers like people that I followed early on um and I was like I was like I can’t imagine what it’s like to get to that
Point you know like where I was I felt so far from it and like looking at where I am today is like it’s crazy but it wasn’t as far as I thought it was you know it wasn’t as far-fetched an idea it’s like you can do it you can be
Authentic in yourself and there might be people who disagree or don’t like it I mean we’ve seen it on the internet and stuff but like those are just keyboard Warriors it’s just a fraction of people you know I looked at the actual stats of how people view trans people and for the
Most part people don’t care which is good I mean and they shouldn’t you know it’s like it shouldn’t matter like there’s a portion of people that support and then there’s a portion of people that are against but like the biggest portion are like who cares it’s not my
Life yeah like I mean that’s what they always say is like the the vocal minorities like makes you think that they’re a lot bigger than they they’re little Chihuahuas and it’s always it’s always tiny like over the weekend uh the the the douchebag at the Burger Joint
They kept calling me Daniel um and then had a [ __ ] [ __ ] eating grin on his face guy must have been like 53 5’4 and I was like look guy you weren’t behind this counter you would be getting a five fingered facial reconstruction right about now you know that dude has micro
Penis that’s just the way that it is it’s like sorry sorry I could pull more guys and girls than you could I know it’s so funny it’s like yo like I literally like people don’t realize like some some of like I never thought like girls like I’ve like with cisgendered
Girls it would be so hard to to be with um like because I didn’t think they’d like me but like I guess maybe especially in rehab because hormones are going crazy and I lived in like the girls houses you know what I mean like I’m the one with the
Extra stuff or whatever people you’re the one you’re the one who comes with the strap on stock yeah exactly yeah it’s just it’s AAL strap on and like none of this after feels like you’re never gonna find that but you will you know yeah it’s like being the male and a
Fe yeah exactly it’s like okay whatever um but it’s like I don’t consider myself like lesbian but um I’m open to guys it’s just like I just can’t imagine having a relationship with a guy but I mean yeah I don’t know who knows I’m not going to close myself off to
Anything I I think we may have to dig into that on uh in the after hours for sure um actually uh yeah it looks like we’re we are uh at about like an hour and a half so I may um end this for uh for the the regular folks um but uh
Bried do you have any uh I guess you do final thoughts and then we can jump into after hours yeah sure um I guess since it was the major topic of this whole conversation um if you feel like you’re having uh an issue or you’re too far
Gone um you’re never really too far gone um if you’re too afraid to go to a group I I know there’s not a magic word or phrase for you to just jump into it but I suggest going it’s it’s it’s lifechanging seeing people in the same um you
Know way that you are and um seeing how people are coping with it and just getting into a group of mixed people that become the same person in one room for that hour is just perfectly awesome is the only word I have for it because it’s just so mind
Openening um but other than that um Quinn you’ve been awesome I really appreciate the work that you do and uh thank you guys it’s been an honor being on here I uh yeah I do want to add that like you know going to like bri said going to those groups especially as a
Trans person can be daunting you’d be so surprised at the people that are so supportive and cool and like there you know those rooms are part those are the people that like realize they’re there to save their lives and you know it doesn’t matter what somebody looks like
Or who they are regardless of you know age race sexual identity Creed religion lack of religion that’s what they say and for the most part it’s true so never be afraid um yeah I uh I definitely um I don’t know for for all the stuff that I said I really don’t
Have like any sort of wise words I feel like everybody kind of gets to that point of either realizing it or not realizing it that they have an addiction and what they need to do with it um I know for me yeah like I said it was in the moment and
Realizing that I didn’t have to stop right now but I had to acknowledge that I have a problem um that this there’s there is an issue right now is I cannot stop myself from continuing to do this thing and it’s almost like I feel like most people say they have to stop right
Then and it’s like I didn’t and I mean honestly I think I’m probably better because I didn’t because I let myself um it didn’t I didn’t have the withdrawals right then but uh yeah I mean I feel like anybody out there um who who is struggling with that stuff
Um yeah especially like people who are afraid of transitioning because they realize they’re probably going to lose a bunch of people um and they’re going to they’re going to you know relapse into some kind of abuse um I mean sadly it’s it it it is it is it does happen but
Just know that you’re not alone and it happens to a lot more people than just you and if you are struggling with some kind of addiction know that you’re not alone either and that there’s a crap ton of people out there who um are in you
Know going through the same stuff and so you can talk to people and um yeah find friends find connection where you can especially if it’s good connection like um people who are are going to bring you up as opposed to bring you down um but yeah and also like Brie said Quin I
Don’t you are freaking amazing um like such a such a a wealth of knowledge on all this stuff and just like just so cool about it and like I said thank you so much for what you do with the with uh in your career and um I think it’s very
Important that we have good people like you in this world so thank you I was super nervous coming on here um but you guys have been super easy to talk to and I’m so gracious and um or grateful for for being on this you know this is
Important what you guys do is important you know and being parents being transparents that’s huge and it’s beautiful and you know that makes an impact you know all of us leave a mark and we all have a story and all of them are beautiful so thank you guys that’s
Wonderful words I love it um well uh wow that’s a great way to end um but uh so for those who are listening and who are not part of the patreon um this is where we’re going to leave you unfortunately um but thanks everybody for listening and if you are part of the
Patre part of the after hours um stay tuned and check that out because we’re gonna talk some fun sexy stuff Maybe um but uh everybody thank you so much for for listening uh for girl dead girls I am that QT Danny be whoa uh we have Bri St Marie it Rhymes uh and our wonderful guest quinnn Quinn actually real quick how do people find you on the internet uh so Quinn finally is
Basically my handle across the board um q i NN f i n a l l y Instagram um Reddit uh I play Playstation you can add me on Playstation if you’re good at like fall guys or fortnite um and yeah I’m thinking about doing some twitch so so I guess keep an eye
Out for that at some point I love it yeah well awesome well everybody who’s listening definitely go follow Quinn she’s amazing and and if you don’t then uh you know get the hell out of here we hate you just kidding we don’t hate um but anyways thanks everybody for listening
And we’ll talk to you next week bye bye this has been a production of girl dad girls podcast check out new episodes every Thursday if you are interested in knowing more please email info@ girlgirl.com or find us on Instagram at girl dadgirl don’t forget to like comment and subscribe
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