Only This Could Heal Me From My Abortion…😔

I remember walking into the abortion clinic and I  remember hearing women screaming from the closed   doors I remember sitting there preparing for the  abortion and I can remember how painful it was   and I can remember screaming for them to stop  I felt like a part of me died when I made that  

Decision I’m living in drug dealers houses I’m  working so that I can supply my drug habit so   that I could pass on on a couch to not think  about all of this stuff I’m carrying like at  

That time I don’t believe that I will ever live a  life where I don’t have to wake up every day and   take methadone to get by my sister would have  these thankful Thursday dinners every Thursday  

And people would come around the table we’d have  a meal and we would worship and we would pray and   we go into worship and one of my friends comes  over and she stands behind me and she wipes my  

Back she’s like shame off of you Rebecca and it  was like all the heaviness I was carrying Jesus   met me there in that moment I knew that I was free  so I was born to my parents my mom and my dad were  

Married and my mom was younger she was already uh  married divorced and had my older sister when she   came into the marriage with my dad neither of my  parents were religious or talked about church or  

Talked about God my dad had grown up in very um  Catholic religion he went to a Catholic school   as a little boy and I know my mom went to church  but I don’t think it’s something that she carried  

With her being a child in that household I don’t  really have terrible memories um early on when my   parents were married they ended up having my two  younger sisters but at the same time like looking  

Back on it now there’s like a lot of stuff that  happened that growing up in it it didn’t feel   like it was a problem like we had Playboys in our  bathroom in our family bathroom and they would  

Have parties all the time at our house and um I  even remember being a little girl and my mom would   send us down there’s like a little corner store  and back then gambling was illegal and my dad  

Would go down and he would just gamble and in the  back they had these like hidden slot machines and   he would spend all of our money and my mom would  send me and my older sister down with a note to  

The cashier like we have no money for gas or food  can you please give us some money back so that we   can get through this week and I think that a lot  of that led to a lot of the destruction of their  

Marriage so by the time I was about five or six  my parents ended up getting a divorce my dad was   so distraught and so angry he physically fought to  keep us to keep the family together but my mom had  

Already moved on and had a son to another man and  she wanted to be with that man and so my dad ended   up just leaving um as a child I didn’t understand  what happened like why he left so abruptly and why  

He had to go so far away and it wasn’t just that  he was gone and we saw him like visitations or   anything like that it was just like he would show  up here and there he’d call once in a blue moon  

But there was no consistency with my dad after  that and I really feel like that’s where a lot of   rejection and abandonment really settled in to me  as a child and so I felt like okay I’m the oldest  

Sister I have an older sister but she was 5 years  older than me and was already you know moving on   with her life and having fun and doing all the  things and so I felt this responsibility to care  

For my younger siblings I felt this responsibility  to strive and be perfect and go to school and I   love to read I love to get good grades I love to  have friends and stuff like that so around six is  

When my bubba my grandmother on my mom’s side she  started picking me up on the weekends it was such   a like a relief like I got to go to her house and  I got to wear pretty dresses and she would take me  

To church on Sundays and so that’s where I started  like a kids ministry and we would learn about Noah   and Moses and all these different things and I  remember that vividly um growing up back at home  

Though my mom had really spiraled downward I don’t  know if it was depression I don’t know if it was   the alcohol but she just had so much trauma and  I just went on her I love her very much much and  

I know that she’s searching for Jesus now even it  hurts her because it’s hard for her to know that   these things happened to us that was never her  intention but whenever my dad left with my mom  

She she ASP spiraled out of control and we were  on welfare in Section 8 my mom just began drinking   and there were days she wouldn’t come home we’d  be the party house and there would be um men  

Coming in and out of our home she would be getting  physically abused in front of us and she was just   in such a dark place and it was just really hard  it was hard to see her go through that and it was  

Hard as a child to understand like how everything  could fall apart so quickly and so by the time I   was around 12 years old CYS had been involved but  they finally got to the point where they got fully  

Involved and they took us off of my mom and so me  and my two sisters went to live with my bubba and   my younger brother went to live with his father  around this time I’d been going to church with my  

Bubba on the weekends for quite a while I chose  to get baptized when I was around 12 at the time   I had no idea truly like about Holy Spirit or or  any of these things I had grown into this idea of  

You do these steps in order to gain God’s approval  maybe or his goodness but if you don’t do those   things he’s going to be really mad at you and it’s  uh and you’re sinning so I was like okay if I do  

These things then I’m going to show everybody that  I’m this really great Christian girl so when I was   12 I got baptized and my aunt had given me this  beautiful precious moments Bible like a little uh  

Kids one that had like the zipper on the side and  had my name engraved in the bottom and I remember   looking at these passages and there were certain  colored pages that were a little thicker than the  

Other ones and they had specific verses on them  and I remember memorizing them like Psalm 23 the   Beatitudes and the Ten Commandments and there was  something I enjoyed about church I’m not really   sure but I just really enjoyed going I enjoyed um  leading these youth groups I enjoyed being choir  

The Lord didn’t really anoint me with singing but  I believe that I was G to go ahead and praise him   in any way so living with my bubba it felt like  this great blessing because where I had come from  

Was so tumultuous it was so chaotic I had seen so  much I’d seen my mom try to Slit her wrist I’ve   seen my mom go through such incredible trauma she  would get so depressed and she would just she had  

A wooden bed frame and she would just like pound  her head on the wooden frame of her bed and just   there was just so much that happened so when  Bubba took us in it was like okay we’re saved  

Now I have safety there’s no more chaos I have a  bed to sleep in I have an adult to take care of us   I have food to eat but I quickly felt like I owed  her and that’s kind of the vibe I guess that I got  

From the rest of my family was that we were lucky  we were blessed that that Bubba saved us and that   we owed her and so it was like my whole childhood  was like okay how can I prove my love to her and  

To my family that I’m grateful that I don’t have  to live anymore um and so I would clean the house   and I would do all the right things and I would  care for her and paint her nails and fix her hair  

And and just love on her because I wanted her to  know how much I appreciated it but at the same   time we were Patty’s kids and no matter how much I  tried no matter how much I would strive or perform  

To get loved it was never enough like nothing I  ever did was good enough I always was compared   to my cousins or just the fact that I was Patty’s  daughter it wouldn’t matter I I would have never  

Meet the standard in that family yeah I just was  trying to find who am I like what is my identity   and I started to feel like a victim I started to  feel like well this isn’t fair why did God give  

Me these parents why did my dad just leave why  doesn’t he care why do I have to always feel like   I’m not good enough and all those questions just  started coming into my mind and I realized like  

Nothing I do is ever going to satisfy my family  I’m always just going to be this black sheep no   matter what I do and so I started to rebel I don’t  know I just wanted to have fun I wanted people to  

Like me so it’s like okay I have this personality  I think I’m hilarious like I make friends really   easily but I was never genuinely who I was I was  always just trying to conform to the people around  

Me so that I could be liked so that I could be  accepted in and through high school I switched   high schools um whenever my bubba took us in so  in eighth grade I started a whole new school which  

Was our rival school and it was really tough I  just got made fun of a lot I got made fun of for   my family I got made fun of because my mom had  come into the school one time and like wreaked  

Havoc in the office and I got made fun of for how  I looked I got made fun of for what clothes I wore   and so it was just like man and I just want to  fit in somewhere I just want to feel like I matter  

Somewhere and so I found a group of friends and  I just started to be involved in Gossip I started   to be involved in boys because I was like oh I  like this attention I like feeling desired or  

Attractive or loved because I had no clue what  the standard of love was or what that meant or   truly ever felt like nurtured or cared for or  even told like I’m really proud of you you’re  

So be any of those things um so I longed for that  and so I started going out I would say like when   I was 16 was the first time I smoked weed and I  just started slowly getting into the party scene  

I still really wanted to get good grades and I  still wanted to like have perfect attendance and   all that stuff but I ALS it was like I didn’t know  where to fit in like I knew what I wanted but also  

Wanted other people to like me and to be part of  something so by the time I was like 17 years old   my cousin had started going to college and so on  the weekends I would go and I would party with  

Her on the college campuses and I started having  sex with different men um on these campuses and I   thought that that was what made me like accepted  or part of something and right before I started  

College I met a guy and I really fell for him  and it was like the first time I’d been in a   relationship where I felt secure where I was like  okay he really likes me for me and it was easy and  

So I was like oh this is it like this is going to  be great and so uh that summer I ended up getting   pregnant with him and I remember the moment I  knew I was pregnant because my body knew that  

I was carrying life inside of me but I was like  okay I have to take a pregnancy test because I   just don’t I don’t know I I I needed confirmation  and so I ran to the store and I grabbed one and  

Instantaneously was like two lines it’s like okay  okay okay okay okay so I’m going to go get two   more pregnancy tests cuz I just have to confirm  this confirm this confirm this so I went and got  

Two more and they were definitely positive and  I was like okay he loves me we talk about having   a future this will be a good thing it’s not how  we planned it but it’s going to be a good thing  

I went to go see him after work that day and I  was like hey I wanted to let you know I took this   pregnancy test and and I’m pregnant and he got  so angry he’s like nope nope I want nothing to  

Do with this we’re not ready for this you still  have nursing school to go I have to do my C no   this is not going to happen you have to treat it  like a bug and you have to squash it and I I was  

Perplexed I was I was at a loss because I was just  like what do I do now I can’t tell my family I’m   just going to confirm all of their thoughts that  I’m just like my mother cuz she was pregnant at 17  

18 years old and I’m going to ruin my career I’m  going to everything’s going to fall apart like I   can’t I don’t have anybody to turn to I I guess I  just have to do this I have to I have to go have  

An abortion and so I made this this appointment  and it was easy it was like easier than a dentist   appointment it was like you call tell them your  name tell them you know some information about  

Yourself and then they schedule you my best friend  at the time I had asked her to drive me because my   boyfriend couldn’t take off work he didn’t pay  for anything he didn’t want to even be any part  

Of it he wanted it to just be gone I remember  walking into the abortion clinic and I remember   just like feeling the heaviness in in the room I  remember hearing women screaming from the closed   doors I remember sitting there preparing for the  abortion and having the ultrasound machine right  

Beside me and I said please don’t show me if  I see it I won’t be able to go through with   this and I can remember how painful was  and I can remember screaming for them to

Stop and then it was over but I left there like  a shell of the woman that I walked in there I   was so I was so broken by my choice I felt like  a part of me died when I made that decision and  

I felt shame I felt so much shame and I can  remember that like Precious Moments Bible and   I can remember like reading the Ten Commandments  and I remember God saying Thou shalt not kill and  

I remember feeling like well I I did the ultimate  sin and so God doesn’t want anything to do with me   anymore so I guess my life doesn’t matter like it  doesn’t matter anymore what I do because I messed  

Up big time and so I carry that for a very long  time because I was just so ashamed I just didn’t   want people to know and even that night with  my boyfriend at the time I was like man I I  

Was having cramping and he’s like don’t we’re not  talking it’s done it’s done I feel like you know   that little bit of trust I had finally given  someone else was broken to such a level that  

I was just like I’m putting up walls so high I  don’t want to let anyone went in like that again   because whenever I let people in they hurt me I  just felt so unprotected and so cared for my life  

Kind of just spiraled from there because just like  the devil within a week of me having the abortion   I ended up going to a dentist for a toothache and  I get prescribed perco set and I’m working I work  

With this guy and he’s like don’t take one take  two and that was the first time I actually got   high on opiates and he and I started to really  probably connect over our Brokenness like we’re  

Both just you know he’s like the Frat party guy  and I’m just like careless and just feeling like   my life has no meaning or value so I was just  like I’m just going to party with this guy and  

Um he’s I find out later that he was selling like  oxy cotton and different prescription meds and so   I just started getting high with him and we  started a sexual relationship and within like   6 months I quit nursing school left everything  I had total my car had no money my whole life  

Just catapulted just downwards so fast I would  say that was in like the mid to late 2000s and   so it was just like okay I stayed with this guy  even though he was abusive he knew I had I told  

Him I had the abortion and every moment he could  he would remind me of like what a piece of crap I   was because I did that and just try to make me  feel low like I didn’t matter and I felt that  

Way I I believe that and so it was just years of  addiction where it was like stealing lying just   doing things that I would never have wanted to do  so that I could Supply my drug addiction it got to  

A head and like let’s say 2010 I had been stealing  my cousin’s checks that she had in her apartment   and forging her signature and taking money out and  she pressed charges on me and so that was one of  

My like first consequences is so I was like okay  I’ll go to rehab and I’ll do all the things that   they’re telling me to do and get sober cuz in my  mind I was like that’s it I just need to get clean  

Like if I can get clean then I’ll be fine and so  I was in and out of all these different secular   rehabs and it would be like 20 days 25 days 30  days of just being off drugs most some of the  

Stuff is like they’re taking you they’re putting  on methadon and they’re putting you on suboxin   so you don’t really have like legit clean time  it’s more just giving yourself like a reset but   every time I go to these rehabs I’m meeting more  connections I’m meeting more people because I’m  

Not getting healing I’m just getting a little bit  of sobriety in one of the last rehabs I went to I   met this guy cuz it’s so funny like whatever you  do like stop one thing if you’re not healed you’re  

Just going to go to the next thing whether it’s  lust or whether it’s food or like whatever it is   it’s just you’ll grab on to whatever you can to  like cope or fulfill that pain in your heart and  

So I meet this guy and um we start dating and I  meet him outside of the rehab he introduces me to   heroin I never did it like through intravenously  cuz I’ve always been afraid of needles but I  

Don’t know I just I liked the heroin cuz it  was cheaper it was easier to get it was just   the next stage I guess and so we start dating and  I join a methodone Club clinic and for 7 years I  

Was on methadone but in the same time I was on  the side doing heroin doing cocaine the entire   time I would say around like 2014 I’m living in  drug dealers houses I’m my sister’s coming to  

Like pull me out like nope you got to get out of  here I’m just going from couch to couch I’m just   living a life of just meaninglessness nothingness  it’s just like I’m work work so that I can supply  

My drug habit so that I could pass on on a couch  to not think about all of the stuff I’m carrying   all of the heaviness that I have to feel when  I’m sober and I’m so physically dependent that  

I can’t even imagine life without shackles like at  that time I don’t believe that I will ever live a   life where I don’t have to wake up every day and  take methadone to get by so that I don’t have to  

Be dopesick and so around 2014 my sister my sweet  sister she um she had met Jesus like she really   met Jesus and I saw something different in her  and I saw the way that she just like radiated I  

Saw the changes she was making I saw that she had  different standards and she was like Rebecca come   to Pittsburgh come move out here and start fresh  leave that stuff behind and I was like okay what  

Do I have to lose like she even set me up to get  a job at this dental office she was working at   like everything was lined up I’m living with that  boyfriend we move in with his parents they live  

Closer and so I meet some awesome people there  at this new job that I’m at and this one lady   her and her husband just they just shined Jesus  as well and she was like I want to help you get  

Your own place I want to help you get away from  this guy and she did she helped me get my first   ever apartment and she and her husband furnished  everything for me they came I had nothing but some  

Clothes that I was carrying in my car and they  came with like a bed and dressers and a TV and   all of these things and it’s like Looking Back  Now how God is just so kind and he just favors  

And he’s he’s so loving and he brings people into  your life that are going to you know build up his   kingdom and so I started going to church with my  sister it was so different for me cuz the church  

We went to Growing Up was like there was maybe 30  people and it was very old school and it was like   you know literal choir robes and none of us could  sing like we would sing out of Himel books and  

Stuff like that and this church was like there was  a guitar player and a drummer people were raising   their hands and it was just so different from  anything that I had ever experienced and I was  

Intrigued by that I was like oh wow cuz my bubba  she used to be like oh that’s double music like   if there was a guitar so I was like I don’t know  what I’m getting into but like let me try this out  

So I started going to church with Mandy and um no  one knew that I was on methadone no one knew that   I was on heroin no one knew that I had an abortion  but at the same time like people loved me and they  

Were so welcoming to me and I really enjoyed  I enjoyed serving and I enjoyed like meeting   people and doing these small groups and um just  trying to get to know who this Jesus is but I   really believe there’s this blockage because I in  my head it’s like I know all these worship songs  

I’m doing discipleship training I’m reading about  how good God is I’m reading that he’s a savior   I’m reading that he died to give me new life but  it was just like my heart couldn’t believe that  

That was for me I couldn’t believe that my sins  would be washed away because I was just carrying   so much guilt and so much shame so much anger  and I just feel like I carried this like block  

Of of all of that right here so it was like no  matter how much I read it it was just like it   couldn’t it couldn’t get here it couldn’t get to  my heart because I I didn’t believe that it was  

For me it’s like okay it’s for that person it’s  for that person not what I did so for a long time   I was going to church and I was praying and doing  all the things while still actively going to the  

Methodone Clinic using heroin and cocaine on the  side I would be going to small groups at people’s   houses and doing lines in their bathroom but I put  on these masks of like this is Rebecca she has it  

All together she has a great job and look at her  look at her serve on Sundays isn’t she meanwhile   I’m carrying all this stuff I start deciding  like okay I’m ready to date a really great guy  

So I get on a website and I end up meeting this  guy just on we both are talking about how we’re   Christians and we go to church and all of these  things and so our first date is like a worship  

Night of my church I invite him and it was awesome  and we connected and was like okay this is this is   what God has for me you know but I don’t want him  to know who I really am because he he’s not going  

To think I’m a good person but within a month  we started uh having sex I was like come move   in he moves into my you know my place and we’re  just we forget all the stuff all the Christian  

Stuff that we had just learned and it’s all about  us partying on the weekends and things just got   out of control for me specifically I felt like I  wasn’t good enough I felt like if he knew who I  

Really was he was going to leave me and I still  had all these walls up and so I was like okay I   have to get out of the methodone Clinic because  well maybe if I do heroin more heroin it’ll help  

Me wean off the methadone it was November 1st  of 2017 I bought heroin and it was laced with   fentanyl and that was the first time I’ve ever  overdosed I overdosed at the front desk at the  

Dentl office all of my patients after 7 years of  work or however long I worked there they found   me at the front and so I lost my job things just  came apart so fast and my boyfriend well he’s now  

My husband praise God but he didn’t know what was  going on he had never experienced drug addiction   he had no idea like what was happening with me  and he had so much of his own stuff that you  

Know it was like he I believe he stayed because  he felt like well I’m no better than her so I   can’t judge her for what she’s going through so  in December like mid December my sister had kind  

Of like stepped away from me because she come to  find out like years later like her and her friends   from church they were fasting for me like day and  night and praying for me to be delivered and just  

Believing in hope that God was going to move in  my life this one particular day I was I woke up   I was so dopesick and I was like well I’m going  to run up to my mom’s real quick cuz my mom was  

Getting prescriptions and I was constantly getting  stuff off of her and so like I’m just going to run   up real quick I didn’t have a car or anything so  I stole just Don’s car keys and I went to head up  

It was like 2 miles away and I um total his car  I left it on the side of the road for him to take   care of and I continued to start like go through  my journey of finding heroin for that day so I  

Wasn’t sick and after like the day of stealing and  doing all the things I had to do to get my fix I   get back to the house and just on sitting there  and he was just like heartbroken and he looked  

At me and he’s like Rebecca what did I ever do to  you to deserve this and I remember for like the   first time in my life I felt the consequence of  my decisions how it affected somebody else that  

I truly cared about and that actually cared about  me I decided that day that I was going to take the   steps to go to this 90day program that my sister  had been telling me about I text my sister and I  

Was like okay I’m ready that’s all I said and she  came and she picked me up I went over to her home   I detoxed on her couch cold turkey for 5 days I  know it was the Holy Spirit that moved in me to do  

That because I had tried for years I tried so many  times to get off drugs cuz I didn’t want to to be   on drugs I felt like I had no choice but to be on  the drugs because I was so physically emotionally  

Everything I was so addicted I was so dependent  on it and during those 5 days at Mandy’s people   were coming in and just praying over me speaking  scripture over me she was playing worship music  

The entire time and I was sick I was so sick but  the peace of God was resting upon me that I had   noticed desire to try to like get drugs or figure  it out I was just like okay Lord I’ll do this I  

Want to do this I want to go through this after 5  days I ended up going into a program this amazing   Ministry called The Father’s Heart and they have  this women’s program and it’s for healing like it   teaching you habits beautiful habits of like  waking up having a structure worshiping your  

Bible like these these daily habits to grow into  and and just being around women that all of them   have gone through addiction and all of them had  met Jesus and all of them were living these lives  

Just glorifying him and I did this for 90 days  I was super rebellious though I’m not going to   lie I was I went in cuz I was like okay I’m going  to do this because I have nothing I have no other  

Option right now I don’t know what else to do so  I’m just going to do this there was just like yo   I am 33 years old and y’all telling me when I can  eat and who I can call and because like me and my  

Boyfriend weren’t married they I couldn’t call him  I couldn’t see him there were all these rules so I   did everything I shouldn’t do like they told you  not to take food into your room I definitely had  

Food in my room they told me not to do this  it was so hard for me to submit to Authority   because I never really had that I never really had  someone that I was able to like follow and Trust  

Their guidance and so it was really new to me but  besides like these women that are just on fire for   Jesus and just um seeing these people pour their  hearts out but there’s this one woman that came  

In there was testimonies on Thursdays and this  woman had come in and she had talked about having   an abortion I remember being like wow that’s for  me like she’s came to tell me this story and so  

Afterwards I went up to her I said will you pray  for me she’s like yeah of course like what can I   pray for I said I had an abortion and I don’t feel  like I’m worthy to be a mom and I think that was  

Like the first person I had ever told and she  prayed for me and um I felt like that was the   first time I realized like how deep that pain was  and what the root of my addiction was I left the  

Program I graduated after 90 days and soon as I  walked out of there it was like the weight of the   world came right back on my shoulders of okay I  don’t have a job I don’t have a car I don’t have  

Any money I’m living with my boyfriend this is  just too much like I still had so much guilt on   me I would always pray like Jesus please forgive  me of these things I did and I remember one time  

The pastor was like Rebecca if you’ve already  prayed at once he’s forgiven you you just have to   receive it but there was still that block I ended  up getting heroin right after like just a couple   weeks after graduating and I overdosed again and  this time um the ambulance came and through the  

Grace of God it was nothing but his favor on my  life because I was driving I had my drug dealer   in the car and I guess I snorted it at a red light  and then I overdosed and um he somehow got my car  

Over to the side of the road and he called the  ambulance and left me there it’s only Jesus that   I was saved and that I was brought back to life  but that was like the point like the turning  

Point for everyone where it’s like okay Rebecca  enough is enough you have to make a decision and   they really wanted me to go back to the Father’s  Heart for a year I was just like I don’t want to  

Do that I don’t want to do that I I just want to  be able to like live my life I just don’t know   how and so my sister would have these um thankful  Thursday dinners every Thursday and people would  

Come around the table we’d have a meal and we  would worship and we would pray she had invited   me over and I was like G I really don’t want to go  I don’t want to go I don’t want to be told what I  

Should do or how I should do it I don’t want to  be told like Rebecca what are you doing you know   you were doing so well I’d heard it so many times  but I walked into that house and I was met with

Love I was met with Grace I was met with  kindness no one was preaching to me telling   me what I should do how I should do it and we go  into worship and as I’m worshiping the Lord a one  

Of my friends comes over and she stands behind me  and she wipes my back she’s like shame off of you Rebecca and it was like all the heaviness that  I was carrying all the heaviness I was carrying

Jesus met me there he met me and I just remember  being in worship and I got on my knees and I was   like and I saw Jesus coming in in a white robe  and I remember just like you’re God you can have  

It and I just remember him like dressing me in  white and I remember being like Jesus so you’re   telling me I could could be a wife you’re telling  me I could be a mom he’s so good he met me in like  

My most broken place I tried all the things to  make my life better I tried all the things to   strive and do and be and in my lowest moment in  my most broken place the Jesus who died for me  

The Sinner this person who killed my baby and did  all these terrible things and lied to people and   hurt people and hurt myself he came and he met  me and it was like in that moment I knew that I  

Was free I knew that I had been forgiven I knew  that he was going to give me a new life and I   just received it it was like a a Deliverance I  felt like he had delivered me from all of that  

Heaviness all of those things and it was like  finally that block was lifted and like my heart   felt him for the first time it’s like my heart  finally felt like oh wow he loves me he loves  

Me he loves me so much that he would meet me right  here and I truly believe that I was delivered from   a spirit of like pharmacia of a spirit that had  been holding on to me that I felt like okay it’s  

Because it was from a very young age like okay you  have cramps here’s birth control you have anxiety   here’s anxiety medication you have um a toothache  here’s Percocet you have this drug addiction here  

Methodone it was always like a thing and something  broke off inside of me and I was like no more no   more I will never touch a drug again I’m not  going to do it and so it was like funny cuz  

The week later I went to a a Christian counselor  and I was like ball of anxiety cuz I mean it’s   the first time in my entire life that I’m like  experiencing feelings I’m experiencing life I’m  

Experiencing even the consequences of the sin I  lived in and it’s like okay how do I cope with   this how do I manage these feelings and she was  like well I’ll you know get you in touch with a  

Psychologist to get you some anxiety medications  I was like no no no I don’t want any parts of that   I like Jesus met me there he’s going to heal me  he’s going to heal my mind and my sister God love  

Her she would always speak over me and she would  say Rebecca be transformed by the renewing of your   mind be transformed by the renewing of your mind  and I felt like that’s the walk I had I was going  

Through then is like okay Lord teach me teach me  how to not be anxious teach me who you are teach   me what this means to follow you teach me what  who Am I who am I I have no idea who I am and so  

Um I is still living with my boyfriend and I um we  started just going to church together we found an   awesome church and I started you know just really  getting involved in this new place and we started  

Ministering to Inner City youth kids um part of  the Father’s Heart we do this every Friday and we   got engaged he you know decided that he wanted to  marry me after like a year of my meeting Jesus and  

I’m at work one day and I work with these awesome  Christian people it was the Lord like lined up all   these parts of my life and so I find this job and  I’m talking with a friend over coffee in the like  

Coffee room at work and I was telling him about  these inner city kids that I’ve been me and just   Don have been like loving on and he’s like huh  seems pretty hypocritical that you’re teaching   these kids about Jesus yet you’re still actively  living in sin and I was like yo you’re kind of  

Right like that’s kind of true and so I ended up  like calling just on and I was like hey babe I   really love you and I’m really excited for us to  get married but I really feel like we’re suppos to  

Honor God in this season and so I’m going to move  out and so I ended up packing all my stuff and I   moved in with my sister and for that whole year  before we got married I was like okay Jesus I just  

Want to learn how to be a woman of Integrity I’ve  never been that before I was always known as like   a liar a thief a I didn’t have good things behind  me so it’s like whenever I read my vowels I want  

Me to be so filled with integrity that he knows  that everything I say is true and he can feel it   like at the bottom of his spir his heart and so  that was my journey it’s like for that year I was  

Like okay Lord show me how to do that transform  my mind give me new ways of thinking give me new   coping mechanisms and I just really got involved  with people the body of Christ just enveloped me  

And it was just so awesome getting to share what  God had did in my life and how he was moving in my   life and the people that he brought around me to  just encourage me to pray for me to lift me up to  

Show me and hold me accountable I really needed  that I’d never had that before I was always in   my addiction was hidden and I isolated and I’d go  home and I’d hide and I’d go to work the next day  

And put on my face mask you know of I’m perfect  Rebecca then I would go back and I would hide   but now I’m living this life of Freedom where  it’s just like I don’t want any secrets anymore  

I don’t want any masks anymore I just want to  be who God made me to be and so it’s was like   okay God tell me who you made me to be I want to  know what you say so that was just my journey me  

And juston got married on May 2nd of 2020 in the  middle of covid and it was the perfect ceremony   it was so intimate it was so beautiful and so I  ended up having well I didn’t have to the Lord  

Directed us to Harrisburg for my husband’s career  I remember being like I don’t understand this God   why would you take me from all of these people  my church and all the things you’re doing and   take me over here where I don’t know anybody but  moving to Harrisburg was totally Divine and it was  

Definitely The Next Step he had for us and getting  married to my husband I think our first desire our   first thought was like okay we’re married now we  honored God we didn’t have sex before marriage   and we’re just going to have babies and they’re  just going to be plentiful and it’s going to  

Be wonderful we’re going to live this cozy happy  married life like that is not what happen happen   at all and I think I believed not only the lie  about from having an abortion and I think that’s  

When the stuff really started to come up for with  that was when we got married was like these are   the consequences of my choices like I I deserve  not to be able to just get pregnant I’m not worthy  

Of becoming a mother I instantly was like okay  well we haven’t gotten pregnant in the first 6   months I want to go do fertility treatments didn’t  pray about it didn’t ask the Lord it was just like  

Okay this is what we’re doing and we jumped right  into to it which is crazy because I said I would   never you know take medication again and here I am  like taking these hormones it was really a tough  

Time in our marriage cuz we’re we’re new in this  marriage we’re new to this area we’re just trying   to like figure out how to be husband and wife  here we are taking these fertility treatments   and it’s causing me it’s just causing so much  Strife in our marriage and instead of Us coming  

Together we’re going further and further apart  and the disconnection it was like okay I took   these meds we got to have sex now like there was  just like all these rules and it was really just  

A tough time I started actively asking the Lord  like why is this so hard why are these hormones   affecting me like this why is it not happening  and it was like month after month is like I just  

Put so much hope in the medicine in these doctors  instead of trusting that God would provide for us   and so it was like this roller coaster of like  okay we did all this stuff and I get my period  

And then we do all the stuff and I get you know  it’s like this just like constant roller coaster   of emotions of like okay I’m doing all the things  I’m doing all this stuff I’m controlling this but  

It’s not happening and so after like month five  I was actively praying and the Lord reminded me   he’s like Rebecca you don’t want an ishmail I was  like okay okay God so I called just on and I was  

Like okay babe I don’t want to do fertility  treatments anymore and he’s like well let’s   just do one more round we already P like let’s  just do one more and I was like I’ll do one more  

And the same thing happened I do the meds and it  doesn’t work I was so just distra and I’m like God   why are you doing this to me why can’t I just get  pregnant why is this so hard for me why can’t you  

Just give me this I’m I’m a good person I love  you I’m obeying you why can’t you just give me   this one thing and I remember so vividly hearing  the voice of God tell me Rebecca I’m breaking  

The orphan Spirit off of you I’m teaching you  how to be a daughter and so I felt like wow I   really don’t trust God do I so I just went through  this sanctification with him of like okay God who  

Are you as a father I don’t know what that looks  like to trust a father and so instead of putting   this pressure on my marriage I was like babe  I just want to have fun I just want to enjoy  

You I just want to enjoy our marriage I just want  this to be like I know God is good and he’s going   to bless us with it so let’s just have fun and  in the meantime it’s like he’s getting ready to  

Be deployed for a year yeah it was just letting it  go and just trusting and really starting to press   in like spending time with Jesus and I really  allowed the Lord to plant me in Harrisburg and   I met some amazing people that just love Jesus  and we just started getting together and praying  

Together worshiping together and I just desired to  just get to know God more I wanted to be more like   him I wanted my life to radiate him I just allowed  the Lord to take full like guidance on like to let  

Him Lead Me And Lead my marriage and right before  Jess left for deployment we were at like a really   tough Crossroads I think it was just like I had  been just chasing after Jesus and for him it was  

Like his work was really important and he had a  lot of things going on prior to the deployment   and he had a lot of stuff that he was carrying  like my I call her my spiritual mother she had  

Given us this book This Love Dare to work on right  before he left and it was just like the Lord was   just moving and and helping us to like really grow  together our intimacy and having conversations and  

Just like learning how to pray in a whole new way  learning how to pray against an enemy that it’s   out to kill and still and Destroy and realizing  that like my prayers have power my prayers have   power and learning how to intercede for those  that I love interceding for my husband and so  

When he got deployed I was like okay God it’s you  first and then I’m gonna really just invest in   my marriage and taking that time with my husband  and be like okay let’s make dates like let’s plan  

To talk every Tuesday and every Saturday was our  days at like 3:00 and at 9:00 a.m. it was like we   would talk and we would do a devotional together  and we would pray together and we would read a  

Book together a Christian book whether it was on  finances or communication or whatever it was it   was just like okay this is our time this is our  season to really just like infest in our marriage   and and really learn who the other person is  and break off generational sins that we had  

Been carrying that you don’t even realize these  things come to light when you are with somebody   and you’re finally like people are seeing all  those dark places all those parts of you and   through all of this I started to get healing for  the abortion that was just a deep wound for me a  

Very deep wound and so my spiritual mom had reach  out to me and she I’d never told her I had an   abortion but she was doing this ministry called  deeper still and she’s like I really think you  

Should look into this and when I it was for women  that have had abortions and it’s like walking you   through healing and so I ended up going while my  husband was deployed I I go in this Retreat and I  

Just really walk through taking responsibility  for what I did but knowing that Jesus loves me   that he died so that I didn’t have to carry the  weight of that sin and that he would give me new  

Life and that I’m forgiven and I can move on from  that and I could put my mother mantle back on and   so it’s just like really exciting to walk through  these deeper levels of healing that I didn’t even  

Know I could get to breaking off soul ties you  know he was there through all of that he was he   loved me through all of those things and so when  juston got home it was like we’ve been working on  

All like our own stuff and we got home and it  was just like a newness like a fresh came over   a marriage of just deeper level of intimacy on so  many levels and it’s just been exciting it’s been  

So encouraging to see how God can move in all of  these things and we’re still praying for a baby   it was actually just recently so prior like the  full year just on was gone I was dealing with pain  

And I was having cramping and I was in and out of  the emergency room and doctors because I couldn’t   understand why I was having so much discomfort  and why my periods were so hard and heavy and  

Hurtful and so they never had an answer for me so  I went to this healing well it was just a regular   church service but she decided to pray for healing  and so I laid my hands on my uterus my husband  

Laid hands with me and we just asked the Lord to  heal my womb and I went to stand up after I was   like I receive it God I receive your healing  and I went to stand up and I was in like the  

Most excruciating pain of my life which is crazy  because like you’re talking about healing you’re   like oh yeah I’m gonna be healed and then all  of a sudden you’re in this like incredible pain   that you’ve never experienced in your life and I  end up going to the emergency room that night and  

They admitted me because they weren’t sure they  thought maybe my appendix had burst while all this   is happening my husband had got new orders so we  were moving from Harrisburg to Sterling Virginia   so it’s like all these things are happening and  I’m having to now uproot from this community  

That I’ve been so invested and involved in to a  brand new community I’ve never been to so when I   went to the emergency room they’re like well you  should find uh an OBG do one somebody that really  

Specializes in that care because we do see cysts  on your ovary like okay so I was like I’m going   to look for a doctor in my new area since we’re  moving in just a few weeks and one of the first  

Doctors I find is like he specializes in cists  and stuff and so um like my first day I moved   to Sterling I go to this doctor’s appointment and  I see this doctor and within like five minutes of  

Looking at my labs looking at all my paperwork  he’s like you have endometriosis I like what what do you mean and he’s like I would  recommend getting surgery right away   and so I was like okay okay I guess this  what I’m supposed to do so we scheduled  

The surgery and I just had surgery December  20th and I was at stage four endometriosis I   would have never unless it was a miracle  from Jesus I wouldn’t have been able to   have children because my body had built up  all this endometriosis my opian tubes were  

Lit literally like crinkled and I had and  my um ovaries were stuck to my bowels like   everything was just together and so it’s just  the grace of God like God’s favor all these   prayers I prayed like he hears them and it’s  like we don’t understand his timing we don’t  

Understand the steps we have to take we just  have to walk in obedience and we just have   to trust that he knows and he’s leading and  guiding us and he’s doing exactly what like   as long as we’re following him he’s going to  lead us exactly where we need to be and so

Yeah yeah Rebecca who is Jesus to you well it’s a loaded question Jesus Is My Savior  He’s My Redeemer he is my best friend I just love him so much I don’t know how  to put into words like to have a relationship with  

Jesus to know him and to know that I have this  this constant access to his presence that I can   be filled with his the fruits of his spirit that  I can walk with him that he wants to walk with me  

It’s just like it’s overwhelming to truly think  about Rebecca could you pray for those who are   in that same place fing that block not being able  to receive salvation from Jesus um maybe the shame   dealing with shame and the blockage of things from  the past could you pray for those who are watching  

Right now and are ready to walk with Jesus yeah  Jesus Jesus Jesus I thank you Lord God I thank you   Lord God I thank you that you are so intentional I  thank you Lord God for every single person that is  

Watching this video I thank you for every person  under the sound of my voice I thank you Lord Jesus   that you are a Jesus that loves us so intently  so big your love is so deep and so wide that you  

Have forgiven and you have taken on all of our sin  and shame father God that we don’t have to walk in   that anymore I just bind and I break every Spirit  of anxiety every place every dark hidden place  

Of Shame and guilt and I just plead the blood of  Jesus over that area and I just thank you Father   God that you are a Jesus that’s finds us where  we are you come and you rescue you redeem and  

You restore and so Lord I just pray for the the  glory of you Lord Jesus to fall upon every single   person Lord God I pray Lord that your Holy Spirit  would lift their hearts Lord Jesus to know you  

And to surrender it all to you God nothing is too  big nothing is too far nothing is too impossible   for you Lord Jesus that you’re just waiting at the  door for them to say say Okay God okay Jesus I’ll  

Give it a chance I’ll give it to you Lord teach me  Lord how to do it your way so Lord Jesus I thank   you I thank you Lord for the deliverance and the  repentance and the healing that’ll come I thank  

You Lord that you are just waiting Lord I Thank  you for the freedom the freedom the freedom from   every addiction every disease every sickness every  ailment to fall at the feet of Jesus I thank you  

God for the cross for a Salvation that we could  never earn that we can never deserve you bless   us you give us what we could never deserve God and  so God we worship you we honor you God we give you  

All the glory Lord Jesus and Jesus name I pray  amen amen Rebecca any last words for people who   are watching your testimony right now I would say  keep going even if you’re not perfect even if it’s   hard even if you’re still sinning keep going keep  going to church keep listening to the messages  

Keep stepping in and pressing in because Jesus is  there and he will meet you he will encounter you   but just don’t give up and don’t think that you’re  too far gone and don’t don’t don’t quit because he  

Is near and there is hope for you I promise you  I didn’t think that I was ever going to have a a   life anything I didn’t think I would ever amount  to anything and if you would have told me 6 years  

Ago that this is where my life would be right now  that I’d be married that I have a great job that   I’d be testifying about the love of Jesus I would  have never believed you but just know that God’s  

Plans for you are so much bigger and nothing can  get in the way of that you just have to choose him

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