– I prefer traditional porn, but in a pinch, sorority recruitment videos will do. Sororities all across the country are making these because like any business, they have to trick new customers into wasting money. And what is higher education without blowing glitter, laughing in slow motion and jumping in slow motion. I could watch these all day. Kappa Delta at my Alma mater UCF made one. First in grades? That’s something only an idiot would say. Of course nobody can out-idiot the University of Alabama. It should come as no surprise the sorority from the land that invented racism made a video that only featured white girls flaunting how white they are by wearing all white, while doing very white things like sucking off popsicles or the star football player.
♪ Staring at the night sky ♪ ♪ Trying not to wonder why ♪ White power, I mean girl power. But what happens when sorority life ends? I want those barely legal smoking hot chicks to know they’ll always have a home here at Tosh.O. So while you’re waiting to get snatched up by a wealthy husband, why not move to LA and work for me? ♪ Whoa, now feel so free ♪ ♪ Whoa, let’s do this again and again ♪ ♪ Whoa, it’ll never be over ♪ ♪ Whoa, let’s make sure it won’t ever end ♪ ♪ Feel so free ♪ ♪ Whoa, we living like there’s no end, no end ♪
♪ No end, no end, no end ♪ ♪ No end, never end, your party never ends ♪ ♪ Whoa, I feel so free ♪ ♪ Whoa, let’s make sure it won’t ever end ♪ ♪ Feel so free ♪ ♪ Whoa, we promise we can do this again ♪
♪ Never say it’s over ♪ ♪ Whoa, we living like there’s no end ♪ – And I’d like to reiterate that we are not hiring any more dumpy, middle aged Ivy league, white guys. I’m only looking to employ gorgeous sorority girls from state schools. Can not wait to haze you off. – I woke up everyone, okay. I didn’t mean to, I just wanted it to snow. I’m really sorry, you have no idea. So many people do bad things and I didn’t, no, I didn’t mean to. (crying) I’ll sweep the floors. I’ll do whatever it takes to be an Alpha Phi. – [Girl] Oh, shut up. – Hi Elise. – Hey Daniel. – It’s nice to meet you. – Nice to meet you. – Oh, I wanted to show you the proper way to use a fire extinguisher. Go ahead, put it out. – Thanks. – Would you feel more comfortable in the back seat? – No, this is right at home. – Tell me about that video. What happened? – This is during finals week. – Why weren’t you studying? – I didn’t have a final the next day. And we were kind of being goofy and taking pictures and there was a lovely fire extinguisher on the wall.
And I, I sprayed that sucker. – Were you trying? I mean, were you trying. – I don’t know. – To make trying it snow? – I didn’t mean to, I just wanted it to snow. – I don’t know, like, when I, we were at the bars. I was taken. – Ambient? – Doing Rumple shots. It’s like Christmas in your mouth. So I don’t know if that kind of got in my head, Like, ooh, make it snow tonight, I don’t know. – And then when did you get in the car and realize, oh, I’m gonna be in a lot of trouble? – Right after that happened, I hear the words, “you imbecile, we’re all gonna die.” And everyone had to sleep downstairs on the floor.
Like, you know, you would cry if you did something like that and you. – No, I wouldn’t. – Yeah, you would. – No, I wouldn’t. – Yes, you would, yes, you would. – No, I wouldn’t. – If you had a little Rumple shots, then maybe you would. – No, I wouldn’t. Now did you get in trouble? – They made me clean the kitchen for a semester. – That’s actually good practice for the real world. – Yeah. – How hard did you cry during 9/11? – Um, wow. Don’t ask me that. – Do you think a sorority looks good on an application? – Sometimes I think it does. – Do you think it opens doors? Because I want you to know that that is complete bull(beep). What fraternity would you say per capita has the most date rapes pending? Would you like to join my sorority? – What is it called? – Try Tosh.Omega. By the way our sorority has a very strict induction process. You will get a tattoo. I also need to get some money And we will most likely beat the (beep) out of you. And if you ever talk about it, I will (beep) kill you. Welcome to the Try Tosh. Omega house. – This looks like youth hostel. – It’s a fixer upper. – Hey Daniel. – Hey sluts, trying to suck any (beep) this morning, stay off the yard. God, Alpha Chis are the same everywhere. Elise? – Yes? – Your pledge name will be Ice Bitch. Do you have a problem with that? – Yes, I have a huge problem with that. – Ice Bitch, do you have a problem with that? Where do you want your brand? Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? – I do. – Amen. – Amen. – Amen. – Amen. – No, no, my last amen was just me. Come on. – Why are we up so late? – Shh, I have something to show you. – All right. – Shh, it’s time to get back at the girls from your old sorority. So I rented a real snow machine. – Oh my gosh. – Shh, what the. The world wants to know, are you ready to give another shot? – Yeah, let’s make it snow. I didn’t mean to, I just wanted it to snow. Whoa. I just wanted it to snow. – This is gonna be great. Not my face. – Snow. – Oh. – We’re doing snow angels. – It’s beautiful. – That’s strong. (coughing) Snow. – [Tosh.o] This is the greatest day of my life. – Penguin. – Penguin, get your hand off her ass. – What the hell is going on? Y’all going to jail. I’m whooping your ass. – Fraternities and other groups of privileged white men have gotten a bad rep lately. People are leaking recordings left and right of them singing racist, misogynistic chants. Greek life as we know it is in jeopardy, which is probably a good thing. I wasn’t in a fraternity because my parents were poor
And I never needed pharmaceuticals to get laid. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love a good chant. That’s why I took it upon myself to write a socially acceptable chant that won’t get you elitist frat boys kicked off campus. – [Men] Here’s to drinking in moderation. Here’s to never harassing ladies. Here’s to always get any verbal consent multiple times
During both foreplay and intercourse. Here’s to our friends that don’t look like us. We’re not racist. Black people are great to some extent. Now let’s go have some fun today. If that’s possible in the hypersensitive times we live in full of fake outrage and blogs.
– It’s not catchy or fun, but being tolerant rarely is. Now, ditch the town and let’s see that little ba-cock and a frat rooster. Room 69. If those walls could talk, they would probably have to testify in court. It’s been a while, but let’s put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many FSU football jokes we can make. Somebody is excited for another five in the seventh season. This guy must love punts, forcing anyone to watch FSU football counts as hazing. Apparently this poor Noles fan woke up thinking it was 1993. Charlie Ward’s now walking through that door. Nobody should be this amp for the Willie Taggart era. You might wanna wake up FSU’s defense while you’re at it. Go back to sleep, it’s ACC football. Maybe I should try to energize my Emmyless writing team. They’ve been churning out subpar episodes for nine and a half years. It’s fucking tape day. Wake the fuck up because it’s Tosh.fuckingO tape day. Let’s go, rise and shine, motherfuckers. Whoo, wake up! God damn it Joe, you tramp.
Get to your office, it’s tape day. – What’s done is done. I gotta get to a pharmacy. – Wakey, wakey, time to tapey. I don’t wanna slut shame, but I will. That whore is a slut.
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