So there’s Julius Caesar chilling on a boat in the Mediterranean the guy is probably pondering his next big play in the game of Roman politics or maybe just mulling over what fancy Roman grub he’s going to munch on for lunch you know typical Young Blood Roman Noble stuff
But hold up it ain’t all smooth sailing for our boy Jewels just when he’s getting cozy thinking Life’s a breeze bam out of nowhere these Pirates jump into the picture and trust me we ain’t talking about those sing song rum loving disneyfied Pirates nah these are the
Real deal rough tough and all about that plunder life the kind of guys you definitely don’t want to bump into on a dark night at Sea these aren’t your average Joe Pirates they’re the salatian Pirates notorious for being the badasses of the Mediterranean they’re sailing around snatching up folks left and right
Making a living off of Ransom and fear so these sea thugs lay their eyes on Caesar and they’re like oh boy jackpot they see his fancy toga that Noble Roman nose and they know they’ve got themselves a high value Target a Roman Noble all alone at Sea that’s like
Hitting the pirate Lottery they take Caesar captive and throw a ransom demand at him they’re thinking they’ve got this in the bag expecting Caesar to start shaking in his stylish Roman sandals but little do they know who they’re dealing with they toss a ransom demand at Caesar thinking they’re going to scare some
Silver out of Rome the amount a cool 20 talents and let me tell you in those days that’s a whole lot of cheddar enough to make anyone sweat but here’s where it gets spicy Caeser our swaggering Roman doesn’t miss a beat he bursts out laughing yeah you heard that
Right the dude laughs in the faces of these hardened Pirates it’s not fear or desperation in his eyes but pure unadulterated Amusement he looks these Pirates dead in the eye and goes 20 talents for me You’ got to be kidding Caesar’s so full of of himself he’s actually offended by the lowball number
He’s like I’m Julius freaking Caesar you better up that number to 50 talents cuz that’s what I’m worth the Pirates are probably standing there jaws on the deck thinking is this guy for real but wait it gets even Wilder while the ransom is being collected Caesar doesn’t sit
Around moping no sir he’s acting like he’s at some kind of Twisted summer camp instead of a hostage situation he’s reciting poetry showing off his workout routine basically making these Pirates his personal audience and they’re all eating it up thinking this is the most entertaining hostage they’ve ever had
But then Caesar drops a bombshell that changes the whole game amidst all the laughs and high fives he casually mentions that once he’s free he’s going to come back and crucify every last one of them the Pirates they just laugh it off oh Caesar you Joker you they’re
Probably thinking but little do they they know our boy Julius is dead serious ransom’s paid and Caesar is a free man now most folks would have high tailed it out of there put as much sea between them and the Pirates as possible but not Julius Caesar no way this guy’s got
Revenge on his mind and he’s not about to let it go first thing he does rounds up a fleet like he’s the star of his own ancient Roman action movie he’s not just going after these Pirates he’s going full Liam niss in taken on on them he
Tracks down these sea thugs to their Hideout probably catching them totally off guard Caesar true to his word doesn’t just capture these Pirates oh no he UPS the antie he gets back his 50 talents and then just as he promised crucifies the lot of them talk about a
Plot twist these Pirates Who were laughing and joking with him just days before they’re not laughing anymore and just like that Caesar’s back in Rome probably kicking back with a glass of wine thinking mess with the best die like the rest that my friends is julus
Caesar for you the dude who turned a kidnapping into a power play and then made sure those pirates regretted ever laying eyes on him Austrian hazar these are like the 18th century Bad Boys the kind of dudes you’d find at a frat party if they had those back then so these haars come
Across some gypsies selling schnaps it’s like finding an open bar in the middle of the desert these guys are about to go from zero to wasted faster than you can say Prost these aren’t your average let’s have a polite drink soldiers oh no they’re about to throw down a schnaps
Party like the world’s never seen imagine a bunch of dudes in uniform probably with those fancy hats getting absolutely sosed they’re singing laughing and let’s be real probably making complete fools of themselves it’s like the ultimate military man cave but with more alcohol and less sense so there’s our hazar right getting
Absolutely tanked on schnaps probably singing some offkey military anthems then in come the infantrymen these guys are just back from a hard day soldiering all dusty and tired they stumble upon this wild schnaps Fiesta and think hey why not but here’s the twist the haars
Who are now about as friendly as a bunch of drunk porcupines are like back off this is our party imagine a bunch of drunk dudes suddenly getting territorial over their booze it’s not just a no you can’t join our club it’s about to turn into an allout brawl fist fight Fiesta
What starts as a classic you can’t sit with us scenario escalates into a ridiculous drunken melee it’s like every bad bar fight you’ve seen in movies but with more uniforms and probably worse coordination fists are flying schnaps is spilling and in the middle of all this everyone seems to forget they’re
Actually on the same team so there we are right in the thick of this chaotic schnap sprw between the hazar and the Infantry everyone’s too sosed to tell friend from foe then out of the blue some genius probably slurring his words yells Turks now remember these guys are
Supposed to be on the lookout for the ottoman Army so this is like yelling fire in a crowded theater the moment Turks Echoes through the night it’s pandemonium these schnaps drenched soldiers brains fogged by alcohol start swing and shooting in a blind panic they’re thinking they’re under attack
But really it’s just a bunch of drunk guys in the same army shooting at shadows and worse each other it’s like the most tragic ridiculous game of historical telephone ever so the main Austrian army camp hears all this commotion and thinks it’s go time against the Ottomans they Gear Up and
Rush towards the chaos ready to defend their empire but here’s the twist they’re about to crash a party that’s all already off the rails it’s dark everyone’s either drunk or panicking or both and the visibility is worse than trying to find your way out of a night
Club at 3:00 a.m. what’s their brilliant solution start firing in every direction this isn’t just friendly fire it’s like a deadly game of Marco Polo except with live ammo and no pool the night is already a mess of drunken soldiers swinging at Shadows thinking they’re fighting an enemy Army then as if the
Chaos Gods themselves decide Ed to up the ante the Cavalry horses enter The Fray these beasts usually so well Tred and Majestic are now in full panic mode these horses spooked by the gunfire the yelling and probably the general Vibe of we have no idea what we’re doing break
Their tethers suddenly it’s not just a bunch of drunk guys flailing around it’s a full-blown Stampede in the middle of an army camp the scene is pure bedum soldiers already disoriented from the schn Cs and the fighting are now trying to dodge these terrified horses charging through the camp it’s like someone threw
A wild C into an already Bonkers game men are diving out of the way tripping over each other and still in some inebriated part of their minds thinking they’re under attack by the Ottoman Empire in this uproar you’ve got soldiers trying to grab their weapons others trying to calm the horses and a
Few probably just lying on the ground wondering where it all went wrong WR it’s a scene straight out of a madap comedy except it’s real and it’s dangerously out of control the Cavalry horses integral to any respectable military force of the time are now inadvertently contributing to one of the
Most ludicrous self- defeats in military history as they Thunder through the camp the confusion only escalates commands are shouted but who’s listening everyone’s too busy trying to save their own skin from this accidental Onslaught the first rays of sunlight piercing through the aftermath of what looks like
A battlefield but is really just the result of a schnaps fueled Fiasco soldiers are waking up BL eyed heads pounding probably feeling like they’ve been trampled by a herd of elephants or more accurately their own Cavalry as they rub their eyes and look around it’s like the world’s worst mourning after
Bodies are strewn everywhere some nursing wounds others just nursing the mother of all hangovers the camp looks like it’s been hit by a tornado weapons are scattered tents are trampled and in the midst of it all confused hung over soldiers trying to piece together the events of the previous night now comes
The part nobody wants to face the roll call as they start tallying up it slowly Dawns on them they’ve been fighting themselves there’s a mix of disbelief horror and probably a few sheepish glances as they realized the enemy they were battling all night was in fact their own drunken comrades the only
Enemy was a lethal combination of schnaps and paranoia it’s a sobering realization both figuratively and literally the battlefield such as it is looks like a scene out of a slapstick comedy except this one’s directed by a very dark sense of humor and now the cherry on top of this disaster Sunday
Explaining this to the higher-ups you can almost hear the stammering attempts well you see sir there were these gypsies with schnaps and then good luck spinning that yarn without sounding like you’re still drunk ancient Rome a Powerhouse of military might and strategy and their secret weapon is chickens but not just
Any chickens we’re talking about sacred chickens The Feathered equivalent of a magic eightball these birds were the ancient Roman version of flipping a coin except with more pecking and clucking involved here’s the deal with these holy hens when it came to making big military decisions the the Romans would bring out
These sacred chickens they’d throw some seeds on the ground and watch these birds go at it if the chickens munched on the seeds with gusto it was a big thumbs up for battle the generals would be like all right boys the chickens are eating let’s do this but if these picky
Eaters snub the seeds well that was a big noggo it was Rome’s way of saying if the chickens aren’t hungry neither are we for battle military strategy brought to you by poultry imagine these grizzled Roman generals faces scarred from battle armor glinting in the sun now picture
Them huddled around a bunch of chickens waiting with baited breath on every Peck and cluck these generals who faced down Barbarian hordes and crossed treacherous terrain are now relying on the dining habits of some birds to make their next big military move it’s like turning to your pet goldfish for financial advice
History’s got a roll call of these famous generals who put their trust in the beaks of their Feathered Friends friends picture a scene like this General Maximus what’s our strategy for the upcoming battle and there’s Maximus looking all serious and thoughtful only to reply wait let me check with my
Chickens first it’s almost like these Mighty Warriors were taking cues from a barnyard animal in their high stakes game of war sometimes these sacred chickens the Roman equivalent of a military strategy board just weren’t in the mood to eat maybe they weren’t feeling the seeds that day or maybe they
Just woke up on the wrong side of the coupe whatever the reason when these chickens turned their beaks up at the food it was a bad Omen for the Romans it meant no battle today folks imagine being a Roman soldier all hyped up for battle only to be told pack it up boys
The chickens aren’t hungry it’s like getting ready for the biggest game of your life and then being told it’s cancelled because the mascot won’t come out of its dressing room sometimes the sacred chickens weren’t just pecking at their feed they were devouring it like there was no tomorrow in ancient Roman
Military lingo this was the equivalent of a green light with flashing neon signs saying go to battle and go hard when those chickens ate like they were at a seed Buffet the Romans took it as a Divine sign that the gods were smiling on their upcoming conflict now imagine a
Roman general returning to his troops triumphantly announcing jent that chickens have eaten heartily unath your Swords For Today We Dine in Victory it’s the kind of morale booster that only makes sense in a world where bird appetites dictate military tactics sometimes those sacred chickens just didn’t give the answers the generals
Wanted maybe the chickens weren’t hungry or perhaps they were just stubborn that day so what did these cunning generals do they got creative or as we’d call it today they cheated if a chicken’s not eating why not just interpret Its Behavior a bit more flexibly imagine a general peering over
A chicken that’s just not pecking turning back to his troops and saying ah the chicken’s contemplative stance clearly means the gods favor our strategy or maybe they just nudge the chicken towards the feed like see it pecked sort of that counts right one of the most famous historical instances of
A Roman general not listening to the sacred chickens occurred during the first Punic War involving the Roman Consul Claudius pulker this event is often cited as a classic example of Roman Superstition intersecting with military decision-making the incident took place in 249 BC during the first Punic War a major conflict between Rome
And Carthage Claudius pker was a Roman Consul who commanded the Roman Fleet before a naval battle as per tradition Claudius consulted the sacred chickens for an omen the ritual involved seeing if the chickens would eat grain which would be a positive Omen however the chickens refused to eat indicating a bad
Omen for the upcoming battle Claudius either in frustration or disbelief decided to ignore the chicken’s response according to Legend he scoffed at the chicken’s refusal to eat and allegedly said if they will not eat let them drink he then ordered the chickens to be thrown into the sea Claudius proceeded
With his attack which resulted in the disastrous Battle of DPA the Roman Fleet suffered a significant defeat at the hands of the carthaginians many Roman ships were lost and it was one of the biggest Naval losses for Rome in the first Punic War Claudius poker’s decision to ignore the sacred chickens
Was not taken lightly his disregard for the religious Omen was met with outrage in Rome he was subsequently tried for impiety though the details and outcomes of his trial are not entirely clear in historical sources how did Rome move away from relying on sacred chickens for military advice well as you can imagine
Basing critical military decisions on the eating habits of chickens was not the most reliable strategy over time as Rome evolved its society and Military became more sophisticated and pragmatic the Reliance on Omens and superstitions while never fully disappearing began to play a less Central role in military decision-making the transition away from
Using sacred chickens mirrored a broader shift in Roman culture as Rome expanded encountered new cultures and faced more complex challenges its leaders began to recognize the need for more practical and strategic approaches to Warfare the rise of military leaders who favored reason and strategy over Superstition also played a part in this change
However it wasn’t an overnight shift the use of sacred chickens and other forms of divination persisted for quite some time reflecting the deep-seated nature of these belie beliefs in Roman culture but as military tactics and Technologies Advanced the practicalities of warfare began to outweigh the Reliance on
Omens the Napoleonic Wars are in full swing it’s like world war zero but with more frilly shirts and less technology they’ve got these massive Wooden Ships duking it out on the high seas cannons blazing Sailors shouting and probably a whole lot of seasickness a friendship this ain’t your average boat it’s like
The ocean’s version of a tank but with sails this bad boy’s caught up in the Rough and Tumble of War bobbing and weaving through cannonballs like it’s trying to win a dance off but wait it gets better on this ship strutting around like he owns the place is the
Captain’s pet monkey and this ain’t no regular monkey this little dude’s decked out in a Dapper French military uniform why because in times of War even monkeys need to flex their fashion game this monkey’s probably got more style in his little finger than most of us have in
Our whole body so they were in the thick of it with the French ship dodging cannonballs like it’s in some sort of old timey action movie but as fate would have it the Sea’s got a temper worse than a chef who’s run out of butter a massive storm whips up the kind that
Makes even the bravest Sailors write their Wills the waves are like skyscrapers of water tossing the French ship around like a toy booat in a toddler’s bathtub it’s pandemonium men shouting sails ripping and amidst all this chaos the monkeys probably thinking should have stayed in the jungle then disaster strikes a colossal
Wave big enough to have its own ZIP code smashes into the ship it’s like the ocean decided to give the ship a high five with the force of a thousand angry Poseidons the ship bless its wooden heart didn’t stand a chance it splinters like a toothpick under a boot now
Picture this amidst the wreckage and despair who pops up their hero the monkey still dressed in his military finest he’s bobbing on a piece of wood probably confused as hell but looking sharp as ever he’s like the Jack Dawson of the monkey world except he’s got a
Better outfit washed up on the shores of England their furry Napoleon impersonator is about to cause more confusion than a GPS with a bad signal he’s the sole survivor a tiny drenched figure in a sea soaked uniform stranded in a land where the CL thing to a monkey
Is a drunkard after too many pints fast forward to Har leol England it’s a place where the most exciting thing to happen is usually a two for one sale at the local pub but this time they’ve got something better than cheap ale a monkey in a French uniform washed up on their
Shore imagine the scene fishermen Housewives kids all gathered around this tiny drenched creature like it’s an alien landing now these fine folks of harle poool have probably never seen a monkey before let alone one cosplaying as Napoleon they’re scratching their heads wondering if this is some sort of French invasion
Tactic maybe it’s a spy someone suggests and the idea sticks like gum on a shoe so what do you do with a suspected French spy during the Napoleonic Wars you put it on trial of course picture this a makeshift courtroom probably in a barn or something with a monkey sitting
There in full military regalia it’s like a scene from the world’s weirdest play the town’s people are all gathered around throwing accusations like confetti the monkey who doesn’t speak a lick of English or any human language for that matter just sits there probably wondering where the next banana is
Coming from so the town’s folk of hartle poool having just held the world’s most absurd trial reach a verdict their conclusion this monkey this tiny uniformed probably still confused monkey is a French spy Yes you heard that right a spy I mean who needs evidence when you’ve got a good story right
The scene is straight out of a comedy sketch imagine this monkey dressed to the nines in its little uniform surrounded by a bunch of serious Englishmen and women all nodding solemnly as they convict a primate of Espionage if the monkey had any idea what was going on it’ probably die of
Laughter before they could even pass sentence but let’s not forget this is a time when fear of the French was as common as bad teeth so the verdict guilty is charged the town’s people prob patting themselves on the back for thwarting this Invasion decide it’s time for some good old-fashioned misguided
Justice the people of harle poool initially maybe a bit sheepish about the whole thing start to embrace the story it’s like owning up to that embarrassing thing you did at a party but instead of a party it’s history enter the mascot phase the monkey once a victim of misjudgment postumus becomes something
Of a celebrity we’re talking statues souvenirs even a football mascot because nothing screams sports like a historical faux paw right this monkey let’s call him Napoleon Jr becomes a symbol of the town it’s a weird kind of Pride like yeah we’re the folks who hung a monkey
Because we thought he was French want a keychain it’s tourism gold a story so outlandish that it Loops right back around to being endearing so picture this the Coliseum this is your average Sports Stadium this is the big leagues of ancient death matches we’re talking about a massive
Stone Behemoth that could make modern Arenas look like kitty playgrounds this was the ultimate who’s who of ancient blood Sports Gladiators Lions criminals if it could fight it fought here but here’s the thing about Romans they were like that friend who’s never satisfied with the usual weekend plans they always
Craved more regular Gladiator battles yawn lion fights been there done that these guys were the type to watch a lion take on a gladiator and go May needs more spice the idea of namak enter namak now some absolute mad lad in Rome thought you know what would be cool
Naval battles but like not in the ocean that’s to mainstream let’s do it in the Coliseum it’s like someone looked at a pool and thought this would be better with warships and Carnage why because Romans were the ultimate showoffs they looked at death and said let’s make it a spectacle
So they decided to flood the Coliseum imagine this a stone Arena the size of four football fields filled to the brim with water now throw in some ships because why the hell not it’s like your bathtub battles as a kid but with actual death and destruction let’s talk about
Roman Engineers these guys were the Elon musks and Tony Starks of their era they looked at things like aquaduct and Roads and thought easy peasy so when someone floated the idea of turning the Coliseum into into a giant pool for Naval battles they didn’t blink they were like hold my
Wine watch this the logistics of this were bananas think about it they had to get enough water into the Coliseum to float actual ships this wasn’t filling up a kitty pool it was a mammoth task they had to reroute aqueducts you know the things that brought water to the
Entire city just for these shows it’s like redirecting traffic in New York City for a block party then there’s the waterproofing you can’t just flood a massive Amphitheater and hope for the best these guys had to make sure the water stayed in and The Spectators stayed dry it’s like putting a giant
Liner in a sandbox and filling it with water except the sandbox is an architectural Marvel the Roman version of Let’s Just Wing it involved turning one of the most iconic structures in history into a lake they brought in real ships real Sailors the works it was like
Recreating the Battle of Midway in your local football stadium the Coliseum now Rome’s biggest swimming pool is packed the stands are overflowing with Romans from the nose bleeds to the VIP seats all buzzing with excitement they’re not here to watch some guys slap each other with swords they’re here for a full-on
Nautical Throwdown and RAM delivers they didn’t just float a couple of canoes and call it a day oh no they went all out full-sized ships complete with sailers and warriors are bobbing in this man-made lake it’s like watching a Navy Fleet ready to throw down except it’s all happening in downtown Rome this
Wasn’t some choreographed dance it wasn’t a reenactment or a play this was real gritty and brutal Sailors and warriors many of whom were prisoners or slaves were tossed onto these ships and told to fight for their lives it’s a kill or be killed spectacle these battles weren’t just for entertainment
They were a display of raw power and control imagine being a prisoner thrown onto a ship and forced to fight in front of thousands of screaming Spectators it’s like the Hunger Games but with more water and less Jennifer Lawrence the crowds went wild they’re cheering screaming and betting on who’d come out
On top to them it’s like the Super Bowl but with a chance of someone getting impaled by a trident we’ve seen the Splendor the spectacle the Holy Smokes did that just happen moments but let’s not forget this wasn’t Hollywood no CGI no stunt doubles the blood in the water
That was as real as it gets imagine being one of those Gladiators or prisoners you’re not signing up for a role in a movie you’re being thrown into a fight where the only way out is to outlive the other guy it’s a far cry from the Glamour and cheers echoing
Around the amphitheater for these guys it was a grim Do or Die reality and it’s not just about the physical toll think about the mental and emotional scars you’re not just fighting for entertainment you’re fighting for your life all while thousands watch as if it’s just another Saturday night these
Spectacles were like the Super Bowl ads of ancient Rome they were a way for Emperors and politicians to flex their muscles to show off their wealth power and Engineering prowess it’s about sending a message not just to Rome but to the whole world these spectacles were
A way of saying we’re Rome we’re the big dogs don’t mess with us
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