One very good idea is to set values for for our families and we do it in a way that we show and it’s really really beneficial if you do that and we need to frame it in a way that this is our value right manga’s don’t do this as swats don’t do
This right Des don’t do this KH don’t do this whatever your family is hopefully you’ve got a family name and you haven’t lost it all right but the reason is what you’re doing there is you’re making it a bigger idea than you don’t do it cuz then it’s just like you’re
Leaving it to them to make that judgment do I do I not want to do it we need to bring bring back this idea of community and family so they need to become part of a family and they need to represent the family we’re living in I I spoke
About some of this last night as well in the other place so set values for our family and it give them a sense of pride in that that we don’t do this kind of stuff so they’ll understand that there’s a whole family behind them and they can’t let their
Family down and their family is there to support them that’s very very important it just creates a bigger idea in their mind than just them individually reducing it down to only what they want another thing we want to tell children not in a way that we make them boastful
And pump them up to a level where they think they are invincible and so on but you are exceptional and we’re not doing this in a fake way just saying oh fascinating that is so wonderful for everything even if it’s a bit silly right that that they learn eventually
That you just praising overpraising all the time so they won’t take your praise seriously you are exceptional in the sense that every child is exceptional again going back to what we discussed last night for those who were there we said that every single child and human being is brought is created by
Allah with a set of qualities and a set of weaknesses and challenges the successful ones are the ones who understand their qualities and capabilities and they start using them in the right way and they also understand their weaknesses and understand how to control them Channel them correct them
So very very important you can have a kid who’s very smart quality but then they could be very stingy or get angry quickly also just because you have a quality a professor has a quality of being very sharp but a really good meaning good means a very smart criminal
Is also smart they got the same IQ they have the capability of using the brain but one has used it for the wrong and the right so we have to help our children understand what their qualities are and acknowledge them identify them and let them understand M Allah is giv
Make a Dua that you can actually use this to to help people in the future so you’re already connecting their capability with a higher motive we need to really stop telling our children you need to be a doctor you need to be an engineer or you need to be a good
Businessman yeah we we still make them that but you need to really help a lot of people and you’re going to do that through studying medicine so studying medicine then doesn’t become the end all it’s just part of the higher goal of assisting people and making the world a better place
So they’ll have more going for them for that they’ll still become a doctor and a good doctor because they they got a higher it’s a less it’s a it’s not a selfish motive anymore it’s more of a selfless motive they’ll still make money they’ll still make this that and the
Other whatever it may be so we just need higher motivation for them so make them what you want to make them but make it for a higher motive it’s all about framing it’s all about us also having that ambition if we don’t have that we can’t ever tell that
We can’t just hope for some tell them that one day and for them to change we’re going to have to tell them that so tell children you are exceptional on the things they are exceptional in not just for anything each child is in their own way
And if we can’t figure out how our child is how do we expect them to find out parents know their children better than anybody else so then what you can do what you can build from there is if we can figure that out the purpose of
That is then to say to your child you’re not like everybody else you are special not in an arrogant way but you can’t go down to that level it’s easier oh my friends do it why can’t I do it everybody does it why can’t I do it if we’ve taught our children self
Dignity self honor and exceptionalism of you know I want to do greater things in the world then you then it’s easier to say look if that’s what you want to achieve then you can’t do all of that that’s all losers right it’s easier to distinguish
From bad if you do that but not in that you have to be very care don’t become arrogant and start looking down on others in that sense there is a book that we’re working on we’ve been working for a few years actually it’s been ready it’s just inshallah it’s nearly there now called
The etiquette of Brotherhood etiquette of companionship by Imam Shan and he deals with some really really you know cases of how to deal with with others it’s a book of amazing and and he gives lots of great ideas in there of How To Stay Away From Evil but not
Diminish the level of people how to deal with challenging situations conflicting pressures and tensions we have to teach our children to be Savvy enough next Point Savvy enough not to be manipulated they can’t be so gullible and so mollycoddled that they just trust everybody and expect others to do everything for
Them so then they get manipulated because there’s a lot of manipulation in the world adults get manipulated to voting for certain parties certain in fact taking on certain ideology ideologies and they don’t even know why they take on the ideology we’re just lucky that we have that we’re connected
To and the dean that we’re getting this constant mashallah input from the religion and spirituality otherwise we’d just be another porn in this world of being led by mostly capitalists who uh who who literally Drive uh Drive the politicians now as well it’s no longer popular opinion popular opinion is
Created by people who want to make a lot of money become big influences you know while remaining in the shadows and uh they manipulate using various different social media IND indoctrination techniques and now you have you know the various different AI facilities available and so on so it’s a good job
We have Islam otherwise we’d just be like everybody else except the few who get saved because they have an independent mind and they can see through it majority of people aren’t like that so we have to allow uh we have to go on give that kind equip our children not to be
Manipulated the other thing I might as well say here is that we don’t let the children manipulate us we have to be able to see through that and it’s completely fine to let them manipulate you sometimes to feel that they’ve got a win over you for something innocent it’s
Completely fine let them have that but you can’t always be manipulated it can’t be that gullible so it works both ways you have to remember that our children can’t be so pampered that they don’t have any difficulty whatsoever that if they re if they get if if they’re confronted with some
Kind of small difficulty that you will cry and you know even if you feel like crying children who have not been raised with some kind of some amount of troubles at all you know no no trouble at all but rather just with a phone in their hands and they get what they
Want right how are they going to survive in the world if you have youth who have a phone in their hand and they’re basically addicted to porn and how are they going to get anything in this world some kind of trouble is important difficulty to go through that
Difficulty is very very important so that they can learn because the world is not always a very easy place to be okay another scenario dad I came first in exams how what should your reaction be to that well you could have multiple reactions you could be like okay uh in
Your if you came first in your exam what percentage did you get got 90 oh no that’s you should have got 99 should have got 100 so you could do that as well but you can do that as long as you give you congratulate them first um
Another one would be well what’s the big deal I mean you’re supposed to come first anyway so there’s multiple reactions you can give one thing you can to you know establish this idea of a certain dignity for your own family and for your own Muslim fraternity I came first in exam well
Obviously you’re a mangera man then give them the praise going on to a few again this might sound completely random but I think it’s just talking points because then I’d like to just take your questions don’t ever don’t ever allow the children and yourselves to ever joke about others having a
Disease even as a joke they hear about a disease or somebody’s gone then they playfully say oh you’re going to get that easy because we believe in a moment of acceptance and we just don’t say bad things like that from our tongue so that’s a very bad idea to even pray well
Not pray but uh consider that somebody else is in a bad State because that’s bad that’s not part of our it could be a moment of which means accept acceptance and uh we don’t want such duas to be accepted and then after that sometimes it might happen and then
It might blame them for the rest of their life you prayed against me alhamdulillah we’re no longer in that kind of uh suspicious superstitious mode anymore but in The Villages that’s that’s the way they’ll just blame you for leaving the chapel upside down and something bad happened because of that
Because they don’t just have too much education so they just hang on to these few ideas if you leave the chapel upside down doesn’t you get aab or something I mean I don’t like to because it’s just not decorum just look I always straighten it out just because I don’t
Like it even if I’m in a hurry and I’m typing something I’ll make sure that you know the punctuation is proper and there’s no spaces I just don’t like it even though nobody else is going to see it just you know you have your own attitude about certain things which is fine to
Have so jokes are fine they can joke about with one another but the children to have safe and healthy humor safe and healthy humor is very important dignified humor honorable humor right now if you’re a perfectionist as a parent it’s going to be a bit more difficult for you because
You want your children to reach Perfection but they might be naturally sloppy it’s very tough to come to terms I wanted my child to be better than me or like me and they’re sloppy man and then you start them you’re good for nothing and you’re sloppy that’s very
Very wrong Allah creates everybody with it and you just have to come to terms with it that look he’s not going to be as punctual as I am it’s just in their nature he wants to be but he can’t be we do our best to uh help them out in that
But personalities are different some people are just punctual by Nature alhamdulillah um one of the brothers in London who uh has been helping with our Zam Zam Academy and he literally takes me me around and videos and everything for the last over 10 years he has never been
Late I will come out of the house 5 minutes late up to 5 minutes no more than that but he’s still always there 5 minutes before the time so he’ll come outside and say I’m outside 5 minutes before he knows I’m going to come out at least one or two minutes after meaning
At least it’s 3:00 he’ll come at 5: to 3 even though he knows I’ll probably come out at 301 302 maximum 305 I don’t ever delay beyond that but he’ll always be 5 minutes before it’s just in his nature he can’t help it he can’t help it some
People are just like that and some people are just late bying it they they struggle cuz you’d rather be early than late so we have to get our children to learn that they can’t procrastinate they can’t do things in the last minute and we have to sit them and explain to them
And say look just this week do it this way and see how you feel cuz they just don’t want to do it because they’re missing out on the games and everything they can do like homework for the weekend so one day you say look this week we’re going to try it differently
Just play along with me go and sit on Saturday morning and do your homework get it done I’ll be supervising I’ll be with you and then you’ll just see how you feel let’s just test it out and then get them to do it for that week and they’ll just feel the benefits cuz
Sometimes you don’t know until you see the benefits and then you see how aggravating it is the next week when you try to go back to the same thing so sometimes we just have to help them to do it differently by convincing them incentivizing it to do it differently
Rather than keep saying do your homework do your homework pre-plan it say look this is the way we’re going to do it today now they’ll only listen to you if they see you as a considerate person who does listen and who does try to find pract if they can
Get Trust on us to be practical solution providers then they’ll accept and play along with us even if they’re suspicious of us but if we’re seen as never practical solution just shout us and condemners then they got nothing to look forward to cuz that our profiling in their mind is that
But yeah again if you’re if we’re a perfectionist then we have to be very careful because and we have to realize that they might not be able to be a perfectionist you need other strategies then to get to comp get them to comply it’s very very frustrating why can I do
It and you can’t do it that’s a big question that comes in mind all children are created differently and you can’t use the same approach with all of them you know there is this additional tution that people give usually right so now again if you can work hard
On the first one or two then the rest of them they’ll never have to go to another tuition Center again cuz the older ones if they’re doing especially the same subject they can easily T tution them afterwards so working hard on the first ones is very very very beneficial
They’ll do 50% or more of your job for you gets a bit more difficult for the young ones because then they have three parents or four parents so then we have to sit them down and say the Hadith of the Prophet Sall like what right do you have they will
Think that what right do you have to tell me you’re just my older brother have to say no you have to listen to them he’s your older brother he’s your she’s your older sister they have an authority over you they have that that many more years you have to explain
These things don’t just expect it to going to be happening because they’re going to see themselves as the same okay they have respect for parents because they’re too far you know older than them now what we have to also understand is that many times probably most times this
Is a this is a very confusing question in the modern world before it was very clear the father’s role was very clear and the mother’s role was very very clear uh but modern world has changed it all in fact we have literally cases where the wife is making a lot more
Money than the husband and cases where the wife is bringing the money and the husband is at home and makes it really really really strange because that whole uh hierarchy that’s understood even from the Quran is very difficult then to implement because here it’s the other way around right so
There is the one god-given responsibility the other one is because you spend on them you’re not spending on them so you’ve messed it up half half so then you change half the diapers half the nappies and and so on so many times in a more traditional setup anyway it is
The mother that takes care of most of the direct focus on the children the father usually creates the environment of the house and is there as a as a person to make sure that it’s all working fine right and there for the backup and there for bringing the
Additional you know police force in when when it’s required when the mother can’t deal with it as such right so and that’s fine that’s fine right the father does not have to do 50% of the direct contact with the child this is not to give uh you know an
Escape card for the get out of jail free card for the children sorry for the father it’s just to show that that’s fine CU sometimes the father may be feeling very bad that I can’t do 50% of the work because how do you quantify this work how do you quantify the work
That’s needed providing a very specific healthy environment uh economically and uh with the right strictures in place and so on that is valued as well clearly the mother mother’s work is more valued than the fathers from the Sharia perspective I mean I’m not being uh feminist here it’s
From the Sharia perspective that your mother your mother your mother was three times right there could be multiple reasons for that and usually because the mother does spend more time starting off from carrying the embryo right going through labor and then feeding and all of that I mean
There’s no doubt about that and that’s why Allah will probably hold them to a different standard than than men and they allowed to progress in their spirituality if they focus on it faster than men in many cases many shakes have said that we’ve seen women who are doing their Basics they’re fulfilling their
Obligations and looking after their children in an honest genuine way progress spiritually faster than a young 21 22y Old with a TP in his hand and a turban on his head because these are the rigers of life this is compassion for another creation of Allah subhah wa ta’ala fulfill a responsibility so there
Are there could be different aspects so each one needs to look at this not in the framework of modern feminism and all of these kind of misogyny ideas and things like that to uh to create complications of life but rather that this is the kma and this is what it is
That women are biologically more predisposed uh are basically formulated and created uh for more of that direct contact we’re talking about that doesn’t mean the father can be absent completely so the basic job is what is then the father’s role his job is to see that all
Of the things that require the father’s input specifically the overall discipline and function of the family and the buck does stop with him as they say which means that if things aren’t happening the right way his job is to step in and get the facilities for that
To happen so he can’t blame it on the mother he can work with the mother to make sure she’s doing the T that she does and that she can do but if there’s some shortcoming there then he’s going to have to provide it he can’t beat the
Wife up for that if that’s all she can do if she doesn’t have the ca capability to do it for example or the training to do it he will have to provide that training that doesn’t mean that women who uh can get that training for themselves don’t do so if the husband
Doesn’t say so it’s not a tip for T game it’s not about your respons mes we’re both doing what we have to do and then he has to at least observe the overall Harmony of the family along with provide providing the income sufficient income and not forcing the wife to to work okay
I think I’ve said this before but be very careful about secluded children children who love isolation unless they m doing duas all day long or something like that well even then I’d probably be worried you know um to a certain degree I’d be worried about that as well as I said the
Most difficult children are the ones who don’t reveal anything they internalize everything because you don’t know what they’re doing you can’t even help them you just have to assume things so how do you figure out those children teenagers especially at that age you have to be
Extra vigilant you have to see who their friends are and nowadays it’s much more difficult because you can’t physical friends you don’t know who they’re on online friends are and I’ve had cases of at least three at least three that I can remember in the last one or two years of
I think between 15 and 17 years old who’ve literally lost their faith uh based on communication with somebody in another country they’ve never seen But who’ve had that chat with them about the faith and well you know sometimes it’s a woman sometimes sometimes a boy sometimes a girl mostly it’s a girl and
Uh they’ve lost their faith because there was just not enough and it’s it’s like whose fault is it she didn’t reveal anything and it was too late because you don’t see the change occur over time because it’s just panf faac you know silence and uh just grunts of yes and no
It’s just very difficult so what do you do in that case you have to be extra vigilant about any kind of changes you have to get somebody else to talk to them that they might trust more than you because it’s clearly a a breakdown of relationship somewhere
Where an auntie a cousin or someone that can discuss with them to find out what they’re feeling like maybe if you can invite her if she has any friends invite them over and then maybe when nobody’s looking have a chat with the friends how’s things going and and so on you
Have to use some kind of strategy and to be honest if that means that you check their messages once in a while there’s nothing wrong with that as well because that would be allowed based on that right based on the fact that you it’s your concern and it’s completely fine to have for
Example I know one case where the son didn’t H didn’t their son did not have a mobile phone until he’s finally 16 and had to go to college uh and he was further away but then it was regulated so the phone would just work from certain time to some time it’s just it
Would go off because of the parental it’s completely fine to do that but then your child better be somebody that relies on you and can allow and tolerate that stricture and understand that it’s for their own benefits if they’re going to be very rebellious it’s not going to
Work they’re going to just get buy another phone somehow they’re going to collect money they’re going to buy another phone so it has to be there’s no perfect way it has to be done in a way that you’ve train them enough to listen to you and say look I’m going to have to
Save you from yourself just like I have to save myself from myself because YouTube is too addictive right and social media is too addictive so as you know I know that that’s why I’m helping you out here I wish there was somebody who do that for
Me as well you can even say that if you want to right so that’s very very important that this social media is going to be one of our biggest challenges it just uh profoundly Catal you know in a catalytic fashion it just increases the challenges of that teenage years cuz you are not
The only one who is having input there’s hundreds of people or machines or whatever it is ideologies that are having an input in into the child because they’re online so be very careful with secluded children you have to find a way to break through somehow because otherwise it’ll
Be too late it’ll be too late with others you’ll actually see a difference you can pick it up quickly okay a child’s mind Ya Allah time is flying a child’s mind is like a sponge I don’t have to say that right a sponge sucks in clean the problem is that a sponge can
Suck in clean and dirty water so depending on how we use it so so if by the teenager we haven’t taught them to sift through good and bad then they’re going to be a sponge that sucks in both if we’ve trained them properly then they can be a more smarter sponge using
A modern idea that okay no I can’t take that in I can only take this in so they’re more of a smarter sponge and we have to worry about smarter sponges as opposed to just standard sponges we live in a smart world now right so a similar similarly a child’s
Mind will suck in good and filthy things depending on how we do their the is what makes them smart they know if they made a mistake and they feel regrets and if they don’t know then they’re just going to suck everything in okay the last few points before we open it
Up so what exactly you know we we talk about uh which means nurture training bringing them up in the correct way that’s called right now we that’s what we’ve been speaking about t right however that we can say that if you want to reduce tbia down to maybe five
Points if you want to reduce down to Five Points there’s and then in Arabic there’s called which means uh a general oversight and focus and caretaking so T is rearing nurturing training and R is considered to be where you’re uh supervising well because you’ve already already done the training so they should
Continue on that supervision CU you know you could still have pitfalls in life we still make mistakes right so for if we say that we want to reduce it down to five there’s more than that but you say number one is we’re trying to create satisfaction and content satisfied and contented human
Beings with the decree of Allah with what the world gives you and not be you know that saves us from being greedy and overly uh ambitious ambitious enough but not overly ambitious so in Arabic which means contentment satisfaction uh with what you have that for that to happen what needs to be
Taught because without Reliance on Allah you can never be content cuz you’re content because you realize that Allah subhana wa ta’ala we’re doing it for the sake of Allah Allah is the provider Allah is the rewarder and for every difficulty Allah will give and we don’t want too much because that
Corrupts the soul so you need a and uh you obviously need to understand life you need to understand the concepts of greed ambition uh limits and and so on so I’m just going to quickly do this briefly because we don’t have time number two after we need uh directing them in the correct
Direction where their focus needs to be correct right so correcting the focus you can call that this includes especially how to deal with your time the age and the time and the units of time that you have been provided what are you going to use that in so that’s
Why it will really help to understand what capabilities our children have so that you can get them into the right kind of fields of study of training of business or whatever it may be so that the time is productive and used well right so they they can become satisfied contented individuals who are
Using their time well and not wasting their time or if they wasting they know they’re wasting their time they can do something about it uh number three was which means uh giving them a skill set giving them skills so it was being satisfied and content and trusting in Allah Reliance
Uh focused not waste their time and now giving them skill set to use for their life for this world and the Hereafter it’s called mahara to make them skill skillful in something skilled in in whatever it is that could be in terms of their physical state uh looking after their
Health Etc it could be obviously in terms of their education it could be the way they look at things their rational faculty their spiritual faculty all of this requires a certain skill set management uh all of this that we discuss looking after your guest meeting somebody conveying a message getting
Done for yourself all of that is skill sets multiple skill sets we’re just categorizing these things so we have to make them skilled not professional necessarily definitely skilled to do multiple things that are going to be needed in your life uh number four uh as relationships have to deal with
Relationships they have to understand how to deal with different relationships so who can you be uh you know who can be your friend what right do you have over your friends what they have over you once you do have a friend what kind of people to
Avoid how to deal with your how to have a relationship with your teacher how to have with your uncles and aunts and fulfill the objects uh sorry the um the the rights of kinship uh and and and so on all of this needs to so because of the fact that I
Know I I was never told that you’ll be rewarded for going to visit your uncle or your auntie I was never told you’d be rewarded I was just told that it’s we should do that because it’s cultural to do that and you’re seen as an outcast if
You don’t do that but I was never given an incentive it was all about what people are going to say or and so on right so what I tell my children we get a reward so sometimes I’ve moved out of the area that I was B where many of my
Relatives if if I go back there and I’m on the way to I know one of my uncle’s house in between I’ll pop in for 2 minutes and tell my children look we got so much reward for doing that as well it’s an additional incentive and just meeting relatives it has its own
Benefits anyway it just feels good happiness in the longest uh ever done study of 70 plus years in Harvard University saying to find out what happiness is and sorry what gives you most happiness it’s being good with your family and the prophet actually mentioned in Hadith that if you want
Increase in the quality of your life or increase in your life be good with your relatives so we put a religious Dimension to that and mallah then even if don’t if they if they don’t want to do color color all the time they’ll do it for the sake of getting an extra
Reward as long as we built in a system for them to un to appreciate reward and to go for more rewards so these are all kind of interact uh um the interlocking ideas okay so that was relationships ill for example they’ve studied in makab and now they’re 16 17
Year old and then you know they meet their from before or here take this as a gift for your teacher who taught you when you were 6 years old that is going to give them otherwise do you care about your teacher who taught you when you were seven that one
Teacher who taught you for that one year between five and six who taught you do most people care about them they might just say okay you know whatever but you know so to appreciate them you’re appreciating the dean for that but we have to tell them look you go and
Do that and then they’ll just learn organically you just do things like that okay number five is finding the right Role Models so we have to then literally highlight for them certain Role Models not by telling them this is your role model but just talk about people that we want them to
Be so um talk about how great they are or whatever so in their sight in their in their mind it’s like somebody to look up to that’s very important if you want to do the job ourselves and don’t give them Role Models but that’s tough if we
Give them role models that they can actually listen to and uh follow it makes our life easier because we trust those to give them the right track and everybody needs a role model they’ll find something to be a role model so we have to glorify certain role models for us that
Was as we call it so we can say that these five things will uh that that was uh um contentment satisfaction right be a contented Soul uh number two be focused and uh value your time number three be skilled to do multiple things um number four uh manage
Your relationships know where to have a Rel where not to have relationship and what to do with these relationships what they entail uh how you’re supposed to reciprocate how you’re supposed to initiate and number five was uh Role Models so there’s lots of things underneath there but at least we can try
To recognize for ourselves that have we taught our children any of this so there you go I think we’re going to have to stop here um there’s already some pre uh some questions that already came in so let’s deal with those quickly first I’m having trouble with my
18-year-old in his salad some days alhamdulillah he is fine but sometimes he can be so stubborn and will make his Sal this has affected his relationship with his father and caus a lot of tension so look one is that I can look at this retrospectively and say that if
We I mean I know this is too late for that but at least for the rest of us that we can’t emphasize Salat after they become the teen many we can but we need to do this from a young age where they understand God Consciousness TAA and their awareness of Allah that we’re
Doing this for Allah rather than myself that is the best way to make them establishers of the prayer cuz then they’re doing it for themselves not doing it for you we want to be as soon as possible we want to stop our children doing it for us that has to start at a
Younger age now if they’ve already re 18 and they’re not they’re doing it for us maybe at least half or whatever they’re not understanding their own reasons then we have to then maybe start the whole philosophy again as to why Salat is because we sometimes what happens is
That people forget why they’re doing namas they just think it’s important okay I understand it’s important but they don’t really understand the repercussions of it I had one kid in madrasa was not from a very religious family and kept missing jum because I don’t think his parents
Considered it very important so one day I took right this was in America took and made him read the Hadith that are warning you against missing prayer and he started coming from Juma from the next week right so sometimes we we can’t just keep telling them we have to reinvigorate and
Revive the knowledge of why they should pray reconnect them to that I don’t know if you’ve tried that that might be a way to go by it right which is to tell them why we pray so give them a resource let them read it for themselves let somebody explain to them find a
Bayan on the importance of prayer so that they can make it personally for themselves rather than for us that is the first thing we need to switch show them the benefits of the prayer and number two really really powerful is the Dua massively powerful Dua oh Allah make
Me uh of the establishers of prayer and from my preny until the day of judgment all everybody’s going to come from me and Allah if he accepts that Dua that’s our life that’s made okay as communication is incredibly important as well as transparency if a parent has
Never had this with a child how can they begin to create this environment where the child can come and talk to the parent about anything as trying to make the environment overnight might be difficult obviously for sure so I think don’t use a problem to start the
Discussion cuz then it’s going to be linked to problem just start talking about them random things about how they feel and revealing stuff about yourself that you’ve never shared before that shows that you’re opening up to them because you’re probably closed as well I’m assuming just an assumption and
That’s why they might be closed it might be that so try to be transparent try to be show your own weaknesses maybe and show that look I’ve made mistakes and so on but don’t connect it yet to any issue it’s just about developing a a trust and
Once that can happen then we start broaching the more difficult subjects once that trust is created so then should I trust them I don’t know if you should trust them about what like that’s a very broad question I can’t answer that question should I trust him I mean I don’t know
You know your child more than me right so I don’t know if I you can trust him or not right that’s too open-ended I can’t answer that question however discussing sex sex education with teens I think we’ve been through that right that is what I discussed was all sex
Education literally the proper one right I think we just missed out one or two points that you can’t have that kind of relationship outside of marriage and and so on so I think that’s what I missed out otherwise mostly everything that is what it is it’s just they add a lot of
Other stuff to it that it’s okay to do this that and the other number two how to deal with their mood swings and hormones I think I’ve covered that as I think I’ve covered a lot of this actually just tell them that this will be natural it’s fine it
Happens at this time right and we have to be more tolerant and then tell them look you have to expect this in a culture where everything is challenged and parental Authority is undermined how can we insell respect for parents I think we just have to talk about it from
A younger age and make ourselves respectable because if we’re not respect material then it going to make the life EAS more difficult for them to respect and believe me I think children do want to respect their there will be phases where they don’t and they act very uh
They act very independent and so on but I’ve seen even bad kids they want love from their parents they want it and uh they’re feeling so bad there’s there’s I’ve had calls from people who their parents are violent mean people like just really damn right ugly in their
Approach to things where they’re clearly favorable to another brother or sister they’re very very nasty vulgar in their approach and she’s like I’m trying my best but I just get V you know I just get so I said look forget you’re not going to change your parents just come
To terms you’re not going to change them your job is just to have a thickest skin as possible just sayum and do as much as you can for them but don’t expect anything in return if you’re expecting their love is not going to come once you stop expectation
Understand that’s what it is then it’s just easier psychologically uh to carry on sometimes it’s just the case that’s just how they are and only a big Calamity from Allah is going to or some big islah is going to sort them out you can’t sort them out but at least you
Know where you stand and you have to stop comparing yourself with others so these are some of the things that we we’ll have to we’ll have to understand so in still respect for parents from a young age we talk about that but then we have to show that we are uh we we
Deserve that respect because we’re giving them uh you know a side of the deal right we are but we have to just show them that without overtly showing it they must learn to value that mobile phone usage I think I’ve spoken about that is it appropriate to
Have a parenting control app on us I think so 16 plus one you can you can definitely have an app especially if you bought them the phone right but then it just depends on how your it is not giving any ideas here but they might
Just buy a new one another one that you don’t know about so there’s no you know there’s no 100% foolproof idea but yeah absolutely you can right how late they should be allowed out where is the line that’s up to you that’s up to you there’s no one line
It just depends on your area right um if you go to a place like Chely everything closes at like 5:00 in the afternoon anyway right so and in London everything’s open until you know know all night so it just depends on where you are but I think just simply if
They’re living under your roof you have a right to put any rule down that you want so after 9:00 you shouldn’t be outside they get older okay after 10:00 after 11:00 whatever it is it just depends on how much you trust them so I don’t know what age children you’re
Talking about so it depends on the age it depends on where they’re going to be what they’re going to be and do know what’s going on who they’re going to be with and and so on for example let’s just say that my 6 yearold has started
Alim class and it’s an it’s a over 16im class so most of his classmates are old and they want to go for a meal every Friday evening after their class which is at after 9:00 so he said no you can’t go you’re only 16 they’re all you know adults they’re 19 to
40 but then once in a while we’ll let him go you have to say look you’re different you’re younger than all of them so you have to give them some understanding it’s it’s fine with that and one once in a while you let them go so you have to use your own wisdom
Strategy understanding of the scenario there’s no hard and fast rule to this of course the rule can’t ever be that you can just stay out as long as you want or until 12:00 at night especially with girls it’s going to be more strict than with boys and that’s not discrimination
Against girls is that girls are usually more vulnerable they are taken advantage of much more than boys are right so it’s it’s really as simple as that and we and but again we’re going to have to get our daughters to understand that that’s why there may be a different rule for you
And your brother otherwise they’re going to think that you’re just being misogynist why can he go why can’t I go out that’s another struggle in this life because of the whole you know feminism outside it’s very it get that gets a lot more complicated how to get kids active in
Charity work is go and do it with them take them along with you and then um I I know somebody who actually took his he does charity work in I think Tanzania or Tanzania Kenya that area he actually took his children and got them involved and when they see all the orphans that
They’re benefiting you could do that locally it doesn’t have to be in another country but when they see that every human being is going to feel good about doing that inshallah they’ll pick it up as well so get them involved in some easy charity work in and uh inshallah they’ll benefit from
That how to deal with mental health figure out what when when things are becoming too much for them I don’t I mean that’s something you’ll probably have to talk more to a psychiatrist or a therapist a Muslim therapist for that I mean in general like if you’re worried
About certain things and you can’t find an answer then don’t feel embarrassed about getting help from somebody don’t feel embarrassed about getting help from somebody how to be a parent as well as a friend for your child I don’t understand how you be a friend to your child that
That’s an idea and a lot of people are confused about this do you have children are you a friend to your child what about you are you a friend to your child do you see yourself as a friend or are you just a really cool parent do you know what I’m saying I
Don’t understand this idea a parent is a parent what do you mean a child a friend when when does when the prophet said like I’m your friend when did he say that I understand the sentiment behind it I think you just have to be a good parent you’re always the parent but
You’re cool enough to be able to get down to their level play with them relate to them you need to be relatable parents that’s really important so stop feeling bad that you’re not a you’re not a friend to your children be a good parent because I think this creates a
Conundrum in many people’s mind I can’t be a friend my father was never my friend how do I be a friend you understand it creates a big psychological dilemma in your mind so forget about being a friend just be a good very flexible very adaptive and really cool parent so be a
Cool parent instead that’s what that’s what you are you’re a parent man what else are you so yeah forget the friend friend business right friends are like if you’re if you’re my friend you do something I have to do it with you and all that no man I’m a parent but be a
Nice parent so that they can relate to you maybe I’m wrong on this but I can’t see any I understand the sentiment but I can’t really see about and I think causes a lot of confusion in people’s mind if they’re not friend material to younger people because some people just
They can’t be friends to younger people they can be friends to their level and some people find even difficult to find you know be a friend to anybody like a you know friend they just do things they they’re good they they can have good colleagues but they’re not into
Friendship you know where they’re more independent so how do you be a friend what does friendship even mean so I think it’s just a wrong word the sentiment is correct though that’s a difficult one children who are very gullible and who will just do things so
I think we just have to do our best to kind of give them a sense of their own honor and dignity you know what I was saying saying earlier we don’t do this kind of stuff when they realize that that we don’t do this kind of stuff that
Will hopefully stick to their mind uh in their mind so say look if somebody is going to do that you’re going to get in trouble so we’ve had a kid who likes to mess around and show off a bit so his friends won’t get in trouble he will
Because he’s the louder one and he just loses it so I think it just takes it’s not going to correct overnight you just have to keep talking to them nicely and expressing why do you have to get in trouble like at least be smart if you
Want to do something wrong like don’t be so dumb you know so don’t mess around and show off at the same time like you know okay if you want to mess around okay you know and you’re a child you can mess around so I think we need to set uh
Better parameters as well so you can’t tell them don’t mess around at all just saying you can mess around but in the right time like have fun at the you know at play time but don’t do it at somebody else’s expense don’t let yourself get into trouble be more smart about it not
That you become more smart criminal but but in the in the sense that uh you’re trying to get and inshallah over time they will become more mature sometimes just that phase remember we’re still developing the children are still developing inshallah and don’t expect uh results overnight it could take a year maybe one
And a half year and lots of Dua because that’s the secret ingredient that we have to help inshallah anger management is one where I mean for the adult go on Anger Management course right that’s simple if it’s child then first learn where the anger is coming from is it because they’re seeing the
Way we react I am an angry person this is the way I react so he’s doing the same that’s what he’s leared to uh to do that this is how I should react number one number two find what the triggers are is there some frustration does the child feel that you’re favoring the
Brother more does the child feel that so for example is one child uh whenever you would get some Ed or something like that the the father would take it because you’re just going to lose the money or you know so the child gets is getting really angry like you steal all my money
You’ve spent all my money so one day the father finally figured out what the issue is that he genuinely thinks that he’s got no money left and you’ve spent all of his money so he showed him a spreadsheet or whatever it was and said look this is all your money I’ve been
Keeping it for you since that day that stopped cuz that was a that child had a strong sense of fairness and Injustice and he’s like why you doing that for we think they just understand or they should understand and so on right I remember once I got a Ed and for some
Reason my mom thought that I don’t need it or whatever and she was going to give it to somebody else I felt really really oppressed right I still remember this yellow toy you know then you press those buttons and it flicks up this kind of
Circle and then you I don’t know why she felt I didn’t need it everything else was that one she wanted to give someone I was like that is so unjust cuz I have a strong sense of you know Justice and an injustice right so I felt really bad
So you can’t do things like that you have to speak to your children and don’t just expect them to understand especially if you are doing Injustice like that Allah forgive her Allah bless her right so um yeah so we have to find out the triggers of why
They get angry and then ultimately I think uh yeah if we can figure those out then give them the understanding from the Shar depends on how old they are and show them anger doesn’t work then you become IR rational you become you’ll do things that you’ll regret later anger is
A fire it’s from Shan and we bring all of that discourse in there Allah bless you all sorry I couldn’t answer any more questions but the time flew and Allah bless all of our children and keep them on the right track and make us wonderful parents assalam
Alaykum uh the point of a lecture is to encourage people to act to get further and inspiration and encouragement persuasion the next step is to to actually start learning seriously to read books to take on a subject of Islam and to understand all the subjects of
Islam at least at their basic level so that we can become more aware of what our Dean wants from us uh and that’s why we started rayan courses so that uh you can actually take organized lectures uh on demand whenever you have free time especially for example the Islamic
Essentials uh course that we have on there the Islamic essential certificate which you take 20 short module and at the end of that inshallah you will have gotten the the basics of uh most of the most important topics in Islam and you’ll feel a lot more confident you don’t have to leave
Lectures behind you can continue to leave uh you know to listen to lectures but you need to have this more sustained study as well
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