If Hogwarts Were an Inner-City School – Key & Peele

– OKAY, BUT DO I LOOK IN THE CAMERA? NO? OH, AT YOU? ALL RIGHT. [chuckles] LIKE ON TELEVISION, ALL RIGHT. [magical sparking] [booming] – NOW, KNOCK IT OFF! ALL THE STUPID-ASS GRAB-ASS AND TOUCHY-FEELY BULL[bleep]! GOD DAMN! I TOLD YOU THEY WAS ROTTEN. – I AM BARNABUS JACKSON, PRINCIPAL HERE AT CLORTHO’S,

UH, VINCE CLORTHO HIGH. UH– – [grunts] – THIS STATION’S JUST A FORMALITY, BUT– – HERE’S A BUNCH OF STUFF THAT WE CONFISCATED JUST THIS WEEK. – STUFF–WE DON’T HAVE TO SHOW THEM THAT. – HERE’S A WAND WITH A SILENCER ON IT. WHY? BUT I ASK AGAIN, WHY?

ONE OUT OF FIVE GIRLS IN THIS SCHOOL IS PREGNANT WITH A DEMON BABY! – WELL– – ONE OUT OF FIVE! – OKAY. [laughs] THE BABIES ARE EVIL, BUT THE MOTHERS, THEY’RE GOOD KIDS. AS WE SAY AT CLORTHO’S, “THERE’S NEVER A PORTAL THAT CANNOT BE OPENED WITH INGENUITY AND RESPECT.” [can spraying] – NOW–

– [scoffs] HOW YOU GON’ BE USING AN INVISIBLE CLOAK, WHEN I CAN SEE YOU’RE TAGGING THE DAMN WALL? – [laughs] – DIME BAG OF PIXIE DUST. – [scoffs] – CONTRABAND. – SEE, HERE’S THE THING, THE KIDS KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY TO FLY IS– – WIZARD PEPPER. – UNBELIEVABLE.

GET YOUR ASS OUT MY OFFICE. I WILL TURN YOU INTO A SPIDER! THEY’RE GOOD KIDS. [school bell ringing] HOGWARTS AND CLORTHO’S, CLORTHO’S AND HOGWARTS, THEY GO HAND-IN-HAND, THE BEST TOP TWO WIZARDING SCHOOLS THERE ARE. BUT YOU KNOW, OUT OF THESE TWO SCHOOLS, WE EACH HAVE A STRIKE.

WE DO SCORE A LITTLE BIT LOWER ON STANDARDIZED TESTS THAN HOGWARTS, BUT THERE IS A CULTURAL BIAS. WE MAY NOT HAVE A HUGE ENDOWMENT LIKE THEY GET OVER AT HOGWARTS, AND YES, SOME OF THE TEACHERS HAVE TO BUY THEIR OWN NEWT’S EYES OR BAT WINGS OR–

– ONE KID GOT TRANSFORMED INTO A CAT. THEY CAN’T EVEN AFFORD TO CHANGE HIM BACK. – THIS YOUNG MAN’S NAME IS JAMAR. NORMALLY, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE STUDENTS LIKE THIS WHEN THEY’RE IN HUMAN FORM, BUT WHEN THEY’RE A CAT, WE JUST HAVE AT IT. SPORTS. EVERYBODY LOVES SPORTS.

IT’S TRUE. – NOT EVERYBODY. – THE HALLWAYS ARE A-BLUSTER WITH THE CONVERSATION OF OUR QUIDDITCH TEAM. – HALF THE TEAM IS BACK HERE RIDING MOPS. WE GOT TWO LITTLE [bleep] ON SWIFFERS. – LESTER! WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, THE AVERAGE CLORTHO STUDENT– [squeaking] UH, SAY– THIS MOTHER– [laughs]

SOMETIMES THE KIDS THINK IT’S CUTE TO TURN THEMSELVES INTO A RAT, [laughs] SNEAK INTO MY OFFICE, PLAY A LITTLE JOKE ON ME. WHO IS THAT? TYRONE, IS THAT–IS THAT–? NO, THAT’S AN ACTUAL RAT.

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