I remember walking into the abortion clinic and I remember hearing women screaming from the closed doors I remember sitting there preparing for the abortion and I can remember how painful it was and I can remember screaming for them to stop I felt like a part of me died when I made that
Decision I’m living in drug dealers houses I’m working so that I can supply my drug habit so that I could pass on on a couch to not think about all of this stuff I’m carrying like at
That time I don’t believe that I will ever live a life where I don’t have to wake up every day and take methadone to get by my sister would have these thankful Thursday dinners every Thursday
And people would come around the table we’d have a meal and we would worship and we would pray and we go into worship and one of my friends comes over and she stands behind me and she wipes my
Back she’s like shame off of you Rebecca and it was like all the heaviness I was carrying Jesus met me there in that moment I knew that I was free so I was born to my parents my mom and my dad were
Married and my mom was younger she was already uh married divorced and had my older sister when she came into the marriage with my dad neither of my parents were religious or talked about church or
Talked about God my dad had grown up in very um Catholic religion he went to a Catholic school as a little boy and I know my mom went to church but I don’t think it’s something that she carried
With her being a child in that household I don’t really have terrible memories um early on when my parents were married they ended up having my two younger sisters but at the same time like looking
Back on it now there’s like a lot of stuff that happened that growing up in it it didn’t feel like it was a problem like we had Playboys in our bathroom in our family bathroom and they would
Have parties all the time at our house and um I even remember being a little girl and my mom would send us down there’s like a little corner store and back then gambling was illegal and my dad
Would go down and he would just gamble and in the back they had these like hidden slot machines and he would spend all of our money and my mom would send me and my older sister down with a note to
The cashier like we have no money for gas or food can you please give us some money back so that we can get through this week and I think that a lot of that led to a lot of the destruction of their
Marriage so by the time I was about five or six my parents ended up getting a divorce my dad was so distraught and so angry he physically fought to keep us to keep the family together but my mom had
Already moved on and had a son to another man and she wanted to be with that man and so my dad ended up just leaving um as a child I didn’t understand what happened like why he left so abruptly and why
He had to go so far away and it wasn’t just that he was gone and we saw him like visitations or anything like that it was just like he would show up here and there he’d call once in a blue moon
But there was no consistency with my dad after that and I really feel like that’s where a lot of rejection and abandonment really settled in to me as a child and so I felt like okay I’m the oldest
Sister I have an older sister but she was 5 years older than me and was already you know moving on with her life and having fun and doing all the things and so I felt this responsibility to care
For my younger siblings I felt this responsibility to strive and be perfect and go to school and I love to read I love to get good grades I love to have friends and stuff like that so around six is
When my bubba my grandmother on my mom’s side she started picking me up on the weekends it was such a like a relief like I got to go to her house and I got to wear pretty dresses and she would take me
To church on Sundays and so that’s where I started like a kids ministry and we would learn about Noah and Moses and all these different things and I remember that vividly um growing up back at home
Though my mom had really spiraled downward I don’t know if it was depression I don’t know if it was the alcohol but she just had so much trauma and I just went on her I love her very much much and
I know that she’s searching for Jesus now even it hurts her because it’s hard for her to know that these things happened to us that was never her intention but whenever my dad left with my mom
She she ASP spiraled out of control and we were on welfare in Section 8 my mom just began drinking and there were days she wouldn’t come home we’d be the party house and there would be um men
Coming in and out of our home she would be getting physically abused in front of us and she was just in such a dark place and it was just really hard it was hard to see her go through that and it was
Hard as a child to understand like how everything could fall apart so quickly and so by the time I was around 12 years old CYS had been involved but they finally got to the point where they got fully
Involved and they took us off of my mom and so me and my two sisters went to live with my bubba and my younger brother went to live with his father around this time I’d been going to church with my
Bubba on the weekends for quite a while I chose to get baptized when I was around 12 at the time I had no idea truly like about Holy Spirit or or any of these things I had grown into this idea of
You do these steps in order to gain God’s approval maybe or his goodness but if you don’t do those things he’s going to be really mad at you and it’s uh and you’re sinning so I was like okay if I do
These things then I’m going to show everybody that I’m this really great Christian girl so when I was 12 I got baptized and my aunt had given me this beautiful precious moments Bible like a little uh
Kids one that had like the zipper on the side and had my name engraved in the bottom and I remember looking at these passages and there were certain colored pages that were a little thicker than the
Other ones and they had specific verses on them and I remember memorizing them like Psalm 23 the Beatitudes and the Ten Commandments and there was something I enjoyed about church I’m not really sure but I just really enjoyed going I enjoyed um leading these youth groups I enjoyed being choir
The Lord didn’t really anoint me with singing but I believe that I was G to go ahead and praise him in any way so living with my bubba it felt like this great blessing because where I had come from
Was so tumultuous it was so chaotic I had seen so much I’d seen my mom try to Slit her wrist I’ve seen my mom go through such incredible trauma she would get so depressed and she would just she had
A wooden bed frame and she would just like pound her head on the wooden frame of her bed and just there was just so much that happened so when Bubba took us in it was like okay we’re saved
Now I have safety there’s no more chaos I have a bed to sleep in I have an adult to take care of us I have food to eat but I quickly felt like I owed her and that’s kind of the vibe I guess that I got
From the rest of my family was that we were lucky we were blessed that that Bubba saved us and that we owed her and so it was like my whole childhood was like okay how can I prove my love to her and
To my family that I’m grateful that I don’t have to live anymore um and so I would clean the house and I would do all the right things and I would care for her and paint her nails and fix her hair
And and just love on her because I wanted her to know how much I appreciated it but at the same time we were Patty’s kids and no matter how much I tried no matter how much I would strive or perform
To get loved it was never enough like nothing I ever did was good enough I always was compared to my cousins or just the fact that I was Patty’s daughter it wouldn’t matter I I would have never
Meet the standard in that family yeah I just was trying to find who am I like what is my identity and I started to feel like a victim I started to feel like well this isn’t fair why did God give
Me these parents why did my dad just leave why doesn’t he care why do I have to always feel like I’m not good enough and all those questions just started coming into my mind and I realized like
Nothing I do is ever going to satisfy my family I’m always just going to be this black sheep no matter what I do and so I started to rebel I don’t know I just wanted to have fun I wanted people to
Like me so it’s like okay I have this personality I think I’m hilarious like I make friends really easily but I was never genuinely who I was I was always just trying to conform to the people around
Me so that I could be liked so that I could be accepted in and through high school I switched high schools um whenever my bubba took us in so in eighth grade I started a whole new school which
Was our rival school and it was really tough I just got made fun of a lot I got made fun of for my family I got made fun of because my mom had come into the school one time and like wreaked
Havoc in the office and I got made fun of for how I looked I got made fun of for what clothes I wore and so it was just like man and I just want to fit in somewhere I just want to feel like I matter
Somewhere and so I found a group of friends and I just started to be involved in Gossip I started to be involved in boys because I was like oh I like this attention I like feeling desired or
Attractive or loved because I had no clue what the standard of love was or what that meant or truly ever felt like nurtured or cared for or even told like I’m really proud of you you’re
So be any of those things um so I longed for that and so I started going out I would say like when I was 16 was the first time I smoked weed and I just started slowly getting into the party scene
I still really wanted to get good grades and I still wanted to like have perfect attendance and all that stuff but I ALS it was like I didn’t know where to fit in like I knew what I wanted but also
Wanted other people to like me and to be part of something so by the time I was like 17 years old my cousin had started going to college and so on the weekends I would go and I would party with
Her on the college campuses and I started having sex with different men um on these campuses and I thought that that was what made me like accepted or part of something and right before I started
College I met a guy and I really fell for him and it was like the first time I’d been in a relationship where I felt secure where I was like okay he really likes me for me and it was easy and
So I was like oh this is it like this is going to be great and so uh that summer I ended up getting pregnant with him and I remember the moment I knew I was pregnant because my body knew that
I was carrying life inside of me but I was like okay I have to take a pregnancy test because I just don’t I don’t know I I I needed confirmation and so I ran to the store and I grabbed one and
Instantaneously was like two lines it’s like okay okay okay okay okay so I’m going to go get two more pregnancy tests cuz I just have to confirm this confirm this confirm this so I went and got
Two more and they were definitely positive and I was like okay he loves me we talk about having a future this will be a good thing it’s not how we planned it but it’s going to be a good thing
I went to go see him after work that day and I was like hey I wanted to let you know I took this pregnancy test and and I’m pregnant and he got so angry he’s like nope nope I want nothing to
Do with this we’re not ready for this you still have nursing school to go I have to do my C no this is not going to happen you have to treat it like a bug and you have to squash it and I I was
Perplexed I was I was at a loss because I was just like what do I do now I can’t tell my family I’m just going to confirm all of their thoughts that I’m just like my mother cuz she was pregnant at 17
18 years old and I’m going to ruin my career I’m going to everything’s going to fall apart like I can’t I don’t have anybody to turn to I I guess I just have to do this I have to I have to go have
An abortion and so I made this this appointment and it was easy it was like easier than a dentist appointment it was like you call tell them your name tell them you know some information about
Yourself and then they schedule you my best friend at the time I had asked her to drive me because my boyfriend couldn’t take off work he didn’t pay for anything he didn’t want to even be any part
Of it he wanted it to just be gone I remember walking into the abortion clinic and I remember just like feeling the heaviness in in the room I remember hearing women screaming from the closed doors I remember sitting there preparing for the abortion and having the ultrasound machine right
Beside me and I said please don’t show me if I see it I won’t be able to go through with this and I can remember how painful was and I can remember screaming for them to
Stop and then it was over but I left there like a shell of the woman that I walked in there I was so I was so broken by my choice I felt like a part of me died when I made that decision and
I felt shame I felt so much shame and I can remember that like Precious Moments Bible and I can remember like reading the Ten Commandments and I remember God saying Thou shalt not kill and
I remember feeling like well I I did the ultimate sin and so God doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore so I guess my life doesn’t matter like it doesn’t matter anymore what I do because I messed
Up big time and so I carry that for a very long time because I was just so ashamed I just didn’t want people to know and even that night with my boyfriend at the time I was like man I I
Was having cramping and he’s like don’t we’re not talking it’s done it’s done I feel like you know that little bit of trust I had finally given someone else was broken to such a level that
I was just like I’m putting up walls so high I don’t want to let anyone went in like that again because whenever I let people in they hurt me I just felt so unprotected and so cared for my life
Kind of just spiraled from there because just like the devil within a week of me having the abortion I ended up going to a dentist for a toothache and I get prescribed perco set and I’m working I work
With this guy and he’s like don’t take one take two and that was the first time I actually got high on opiates and he and I started to really probably connect over our Brokenness like we’re
Both just you know he’s like the Frat party guy and I’m just like careless and just feeling like my life has no meaning or value so I was just like I’m just going to party with this guy and
Um he’s I find out later that he was selling like oxy cotton and different prescription meds and so I just started getting high with him and we started a sexual relationship and within like 6 months I quit nursing school left everything I had total my car had no money my whole life
Just catapulted just downwards so fast I would say that was in like the mid to late 2000s and so it was just like okay I stayed with this guy even though he was abusive he knew I had I told
Him I had the abortion and every moment he could he would remind me of like what a piece of crap I was because I did that and just try to make me feel low like I didn’t matter and I felt that
Way I I believe that and so it was just years of addiction where it was like stealing lying just doing things that I would never have wanted to do so that I could Supply my drug addiction it got to
A head and like let’s say 2010 I had been stealing my cousin’s checks that she had in her apartment and forging her signature and taking money out and she pressed charges on me and so that was one of
My like first consequences is so I was like okay I’ll go to rehab and I’ll do all the things that they’re telling me to do and get sober cuz in my mind I was like that’s it I just need to get clean
Like if I can get clean then I’ll be fine and so I was in and out of all these different secular rehabs and it would be like 20 days 25 days 30 days of just being off drugs most some of the
Stuff is like they’re taking you they’re putting on methadon and they’re putting you on suboxin so you don’t really have like legit clean time it’s more just giving yourself like a reset but every time I go to these rehabs I’m meeting more connections I’m meeting more people because I’m
Not getting healing I’m just getting a little bit of sobriety in one of the last rehabs I went to I met this guy cuz it’s so funny like whatever you do like stop one thing if you’re not healed you’re
Just going to go to the next thing whether it’s lust or whether it’s food or like whatever it is it’s just you’ll grab on to whatever you can to like cope or fulfill that pain in your heart and
So I meet this guy and um we start dating and I meet him outside of the rehab he introduces me to heroin I never did it like through intravenously cuz I’ve always been afraid of needles but I
Don’t know I just I liked the heroin cuz it was cheaper it was easier to get it was just the next stage I guess and so we start dating and I join a methodone Club clinic and for 7 years I
Was on methadone but in the same time I was on the side doing heroin doing cocaine the entire time I would say around like 2014 I’m living in drug dealers houses I’m my sister’s coming to
Like pull me out like nope you got to get out of here I’m just going from couch to couch I’m just living a life of just meaninglessness nothingness it’s just like I’m work work so that I can supply
My drug habit so that I could pass on on a couch to not think about all of the stuff I’m carrying all of the heaviness that I have to feel when I’m sober and I’m so physically dependent that
I can’t even imagine life without shackles like at that time I don’t believe that I will ever live a life where I don’t have to wake up every day and take methadone to get by so that I don’t have to
Be dopesick and so around 2014 my sister my sweet sister she um she had met Jesus like she really met Jesus and I saw something different in her and I saw the way that she just like radiated I
Saw the changes she was making I saw that she had different standards and she was like Rebecca come to Pittsburgh come move out here and start fresh leave that stuff behind and I was like okay what
Do I have to lose like she even set me up to get a job at this dental office she was working at like everything was lined up I’m living with that boyfriend we move in with his parents they live
Closer and so I meet some awesome people there at this new job that I’m at and this one lady her and her husband just they just shined Jesus as well and she was like I want to help you get
Your own place I want to help you get away from this guy and she did she helped me get my first ever apartment and she and her husband furnished everything for me they came I had nothing but some
Clothes that I was carrying in my car and they came with like a bed and dressers and a TV and all of these things and it’s like Looking Back Now how God is just so kind and he just favors
And he’s he’s so loving and he brings people into your life that are going to you know build up his kingdom and so I started going to church with my sister it was so different for me cuz the church
We went to Growing Up was like there was maybe 30 people and it was very old school and it was like you know literal choir robes and none of us could sing like we would sing out of Himel books and
Stuff like that and this church was like there was a guitar player and a drummer people were raising their hands and it was just so different from anything that I had ever experienced and I was
Intrigued by that I was like oh wow cuz my bubba she used to be like oh that’s double music like if there was a guitar so I was like I don’t know what I’m getting into but like let me try this out
So I started going to church with Mandy and um no one knew that I was on methadone no one knew that I was on heroin no one knew that I had an abortion but at the same time like people loved me and they
Were so welcoming to me and I really enjoyed I enjoyed serving and I enjoyed like meeting people and doing these small groups and um just trying to get to know who this Jesus is but I really believe there’s this blockage because I in my head it’s like I know all these worship songs
I’m doing discipleship training I’m reading about how good God is I’m reading that he’s a savior I’m reading that he died to give me new life but it was just like my heart couldn’t believe that
That was for me I couldn’t believe that my sins would be washed away because I was just carrying so much guilt and so much shame so much anger and I just feel like I carried this like block
Of of all of that right here so it was like no matter how much I read it it was just like it couldn’t it couldn’t get here it couldn’t get to my heart because I I didn’t believe that it was
For me it’s like okay it’s for that person it’s for that person not what I did so for a long time I was going to church and I was praying and doing all the things while still actively going to the
Methodone Clinic using heroin and cocaine on the side I would be going to small groups at people’s houses and doing lines in their bathroom but I put on these masks of like this is Rebecca she has it
All together she has a great job and look at her look at her serve on Sundays isn’t she meanwhile I’m carrying all this stuff I start deciding like okay I’m ready to date a really great guy
So I get on a website and I end up meeting this guy just on we both are talking about how we’re Christians and we go to church and all of these things and so our first date is like a worship
Night of my church I invite him and it was awesome and we connected and was like okay this is this is what God has for me you know but I don’t want him to know who I really am because he he’s not going
To think I’m a good person but within a month we started uh having sex I was like come move in he moves into my you know my place and we’re just we forget all the stuff all the Christian
Stuff that we had just learned and it’s all about us partying on the weekends and things just got out of control for me specifically I felt like I wasn’t good enough I felt like if he knew who I
Really was he was going to leave me and I still had all these walls up and so I was like okay I have to get out of the methodone Clinic because well maybe if I do heroin more heroin it’ll help
Me wean off the methadone it was November 1st of 2017 I bought heroin and it was laced with fentanyl and that was the first time I’ve ever overdosed I overdosed at the front desk at the
Dentl office all of my patients after 7 years of work or however long I worked there they found me at the front and so I lost my job things just came apart so fast and my boyfriend well he’s now
My husband praise God but he didn’t know what was going on he had never experienced drug addiction he had no idea like what was happening with me and he had so much of his own stuff that you
Know it was like he I believe he stayed because he felt like well I’m no better than her so I can’t judge her for what she’s going through so in December like mid December my sister had kind
Of like stepped away from me because she come to find out like years later like her and her friends from church they were fasting for me like day and night and praying for me to be delivered and just
Believing in hope that God was going to move in my life this one particular day I was I woke up I was so dopesick and I was like well I’m going to run up to my mom’s real quick cuz my mom was
Getting prescriptions and I was constantly getting stuff off of her and so like I’m just going to run up real quick I didn’t have a car or anything so I stole just Don’s car keys and I went to head up
It was like 2 miles away and I um total his car I left it on the side of the road for him to take care of and I continued to start like go through my journey of finding heroin for that day so I
Wasn’t sick and after like the day of stealing and doing all the things I had to do to get my fix I get back to the house and just on sitting there and he was just like heartbroken and he looked
At me and he’s like Rebecca what did I ever do to you to deserve this and I remember for like the first time in my life I felt the consequence of my decisions how it affected somebody else that
I truly cared about and that actually cared about me I decided that day that I was going to take the steps to go to this 90day program that my sister had been telling me about I text my sister and I
Was like okay I’m ready that’s all I said and she came and she picked me up I went over to her home I detoxed on her couch cold turkey for 5 days I know it was the Holy Spirit that moved in me to do
That because I had tried for years I tried so many times to get off drugs cuz I didn’t want to to be on drugs I felt like I had no choice but to be on the drugs because I was so physically emotionally
Everything I was so addicted I was so dependent on it and during those 5 days at Mandy’s people were coming in and just praying over me speaking scripture over me she was playing worship music
The entire time and I was sick I was so sick but the peace of God was resting upon me that I had noticed desire to try to like get drugs or figure it out I was just like okay Lord I’ll do this I
Want to do this I want to go through this after 5 days I ended up going into a program this amazing Ministry called The Father’s Heart and they have this women’s program and it’s for healing like it teaching you habits beautiful habits of like waking up having a structure worshiping your
Bible like these these daily habits to grow into and and just being around women that all of them have gone through addiction and all of them had met Jesus and all of them were living these lives
Just glorifying him and I did this for 90 days I was super rebellious though I’m not going to lie I was I went in cuz I was like okay I’m going to do this because I have nothing I have no other
Option right now I don’t know what else to do so I’m just going to do this there was just like yo I am 33 years old and y’all telling me when I can eat and who I can call and because like me and my
Boyfriend weren’t married they I couldn’t call him I couldn’t see him there were all these rules so I did everything I shouldn’t do like they told you not to take food into your room I definitely had
Food in my room they told me not to do this it was so hard for me to submit to Authority because I never really had that I never really had someone that I was able to like follow and Trust
Their guidance and so it was really new to me but besides like these women that are just on fire for Jesus and just um seeing these people pour their hearts out but there’s this one woman that came
In there was testimonies on Thursdays and this woman had come in and she had talked about having an abortion I remember being like wow that’s for me like she’s came to tell me this story and so
Afterwards I went up to her I said will you pray for me she’s like yeah of course like what can I pray for I said I had an abortion and I don’t feel like I’m worthy to be a mom and I think that was
Like the first person I had ever told and she prayed for me and um I felt like that was the first time I realized like how deep that pain was and what the root of my addiction was I left the
Program I graduated after 90 days and soon as I walked out of there it was like the weight of the world came right back on my shoulders of okay I don’t have a job I don’t have a car I don’t have
Any money I’m living with my boyfriend this is just too much like I still had so much guilt on me I would always pray like Jesus please forgive me of these things I did and I remember one time
The pastor was like Rebecca if you’ve already prayed at once he’s forgiven you you just have to receive it but there was still that block I ended up getting heroin right after like just a couple weeks after graduating and I overdosed again and this time um the ambulance came and through the
Grace of God it was nothing but his favor on my life because I was driving I had my drug dealer in the car and I guess I snorted it at a red light and then I overdosed and um he somehow got my car
Over to the side of the road and he called the ambulance and left me there it’s only Jesus that I was saved and that I was brought back to life but that was like the point like the turning
Point for everyone where it’s like okay Rebecca enough is enough you have to make a decision and they really wanted me to go back to the Father’s Heart for a year I was just like I don’t want to
Do that I don’t want to do that I I just want to be able to like live my life I just don’t know how and so my sister would have these um thankful Thursday dinners every Thursday and people would
Come around the table we’d have a meal and we would worship and we would pray she had invited me over and I was like G I really don’t want to go I don’t want to go I don’t want to be told what I
Should do or how I should do it I don’t want to be told like Rebecca what are you doing you know you were doing so well I’d heard it so many times but I walked into that house and I was met with
Love I was met with Grace I was met with kindness no one was preaching to me telling me what I should do how I should do it and we go into worship and as I’m worshiping the Lord a one
Of my friends comes over and she stands behind me and she wipes my back she’s like shame off of you Rebecca and it was like all the heaviness that I was carrying all the heaviness I was carrying
Jesus met me there he met me and I just remember being in worship and I got on my knees and I was like and I saw Jesus coming in in a white robe and I remember just like you’re God you can have
It and I just remember him like dressing me in white and I remember being like Jesus so you’re telling me I could could be a wife you’re telling me I could be a mom he’s so good he met me in like
My most broken place I tried all the things to make my life better I tried all the things to strive and do and be and in my lowest moment in my most broken place the Jesus who died for me
The Sinner this person who killed my baby and did all these terrible things and lied to people and hurt people and hurt myself he came and he met me and it was like in that moment I knew that I
Was free I knew that I had been forgiven I knew that he was going to give me a new life and I just received it it was like a a Deliverance I felt like he had delivered me from all of that
Heaviness all of those things and it was like finally that block was lifted and like my heart felt him for the first time it’s like my heart finally felt like oh wow he loves me he loves
Me he loves me so much that he would meet me right here and I truly believe that I was delivered from a spirit of like pharmacia of a spirit that had been holding on to me that I felt like okay it’s
Because it was from a very young age like okay you have cramps here’s birth control you have anxiety here’s anxiety medication you have um a toothache here’s Percocet you have this drug addiction here
Methodone it was always like a thing and something broke off inside of me and I was like no more no more I will never touch a drug again I’m not going to do it and so it was like funny cuz
The week later I went to a a Christian counselor and I was like ball of anxiety cuz I mean it’s the first time in my entire life that I’m like experiencing feelings I’m experiencing life I’m
Experiencing even the consequences of the sin I lived in and it’s like okay how do I cope with this how do I manage these feelings and she was like well I’ll you know get you in touch with a
Psychologist to get you some anxiety medications I was like no no no I don’t want any parts of that I like Jesus met me there he’s going to heal me he’s going to heal my mind and my sister God love
Her she would always speak over me and she would say Rebecca be transformed by the renewing of your mind be transformed by the renewing of your mind and I felt like that’s the walk I had I was going
Through then is like okay Lord teach me teach me how to not be anxious teach me who you are teach me what this means to follow you teach me what who Am I who am I I have no idea who I am and so
Um I is still living with my boyfriend and I um we started just going to church together we found an awesome church and I started you know just really getting involved in this new place and we started
Ministering to Inner City youth kids um part of the Father’s Heart we do this every Friday and we got engaged he you know decided that he wanted to marry me after like a year of my meeting Jesus and
I’m at work one day and I work with these awesome Christian people it was the Lord like lined up all these parts of my life and so I find this job and I’m talking with a friend over coffee in the like
Coffee room at work and I was telling him about these inner city kids that I’ve been me and just Don have been like loving on and he’s like huh seems pretty hypocritical that you’re teaching these kids about Jesus yet you’re still actively living in sin and I was like yo you’re kind of
Right like that’s kind of true and so I ended up like calling just on and I was like hey babe I really love you and I’m really excited for us to get married but I really feel like we’re suppos to
Honor God in this season and so I’m going to move out and so I ended up packing all my stuff and I moved in with my sister and for that whole year before we got married I was like okay Jesus I just
Want to learn how to be a woman of Integrity I’ve never been that before I was always known as like a liar a thief a I didn’t have good things behind me so it’s like whenever I read my vowels I want
Me to be so filled with integrity that he knows that everything I say is true and he can feel it like at the bottom of his spir his heart and so that was my journey it’s like for that year I was
Like okay Lord show me how to do that transform my mind give me new ways of thinking give me new coping mechanisms and I just really got involved with people the body of Christ just enveloped me
And it was just so awesome getting to share what God had did in my life and how he was moving in my life and the people that he brought around me to just encourage me to pray for me to lift me up to
Show me and hold me accountable I really needed that I’d never had that before I was always in my addiction was hidden and I isolated and I’d go home and I’d hide and I’d go to work the next day
And put on my face mask you know of I’m perfect Rebecca then I would go back and I would hide but now I’m living this life of Freedom where it’s just like I don’t want any secrets anymore
I don’t want any masks anymore I just want to be who God made me to be and so it’s was like okay God tell me who you made me to be I want to know what you say so that was just my journey me
And juston got married on May 2nd of 2020 in the middle of covid and it was the perfect ceremony it was so intimate it was so beautiful and so I ended up having well I didn’t have to the Lord
Directed us to Harrisburg for my husband’s career I remember being like I don’t understand this God why would you take me from all of these people my church and all the things you’re doing and take me over here where I don’t know anybody but moving to Harrisburg was totally Divine and it was
Definitely The Next Step he had for us and getting married to my husband I think our first desire our first thought was like okay we’re married now we honored God we didn’t have sex before marriage and we’re just going to have babies and they’re just going to be plentiful and it’s going to
Be wonderful we’re going to live this cozy happy married life like that is not what happen happen at all and I think I believed not only the lie about from having an abortion and I think that’s
When the stuff really started to come up for with that was when we got married was like these are the consequences of my choices like I I deserve not to be able to just get pregnant I’m not worthy
Of becoming a mother I instantly was like okay well we haven’t gotten pregnant in the first 6 months I want to go do fertility treatments didn’t pray about it didn’t ask the Lord it was just like
Okay this is what we’re doing and we jumped right into to it which is crazy because I said I would never you know take medication again and here I am like taking these hormones it was really a tough
Time in our marriage cuz we’re we’re new in this marriage we’re new to this area we’re just trying to like figure out how to be husband and wife here we are taking these fertility treatments and it’s causing me it’s just causing so much Strife in our marriage and instead of Us coming
Together we’re going further and further apart and the disconnection it was like okay I took these meds we got to have sex now like there was just like all these rules and it was really just
A tough time I started actively asking the Lord like why is this so hard why are these hormones affecting me like this why is it not happening and it was like month after month is like I just
Put so much hope in the medicine in these doctors instead of trusting that God would provide for us and so it was like this roller coaster of like okay we did all this stuff and I get my period
And then we do all the stuff and I get you know it’s like this just like constant roller coaster of emotions of like okay I’m doing all the things I’m doing all this stuff I’m controlling this but
It’s not happening and so after like month five I was actively praying and the Lord reminded me he’s like Rebecca you don’t want an ishmail I was like okay okay God so I called just on and I was
Like okay babe I don’t want to do fertility treatments anymore and he’s like well let’s just do one more round we already P like let’s just do one more and I was like I’ll do one more
And the same thing happened I do the meds and it doesn’t work I was so just distra and I’m like God why are you doing this to me why can’t I just get pregnant why is this so hard for me why can’t you
Just give me this I’m I’m a good person I love you I’m obeying you why can’t you just give me this one thing and I remember so vividly hearing the voice of God tell me Rebecca I’m breaking
The orphan Spirit off of you I’m teaching you how to be a daughter and so I felt like wow I really don’t trust God do I so I just went through this sanctification with him of like okay God who
Are you as a father I don’t know what that looks like to trust a father and so instead of putting this pressure on my marriage I was like babe I just want to have fun I just want to enjoy
You I just want to enjoy our marriage I just want this to be like I know God is good and he’s going to bless us with it so let’s just have fun and in the meantime it’s like he’s getting ready to
Be deployed for a year yeah it was just letting it go and just trusting and really starting to press in like spending time with Jesus and I really allowed the Lord to plant me in Harrisburg and I met some amazing people that just love Jesus and we just started getting together and praying
Together worshiping together and I just desired to just get to know God more I wanted to be more like him I wanted my life to radiate him I just allowed the Lord to take full like guidance on like to let
Him Lead Me And Lead my marriage and right before Jess left for deployment we were at like a really tough Crossroads I think it was just like I had been just chasing after Jesus and for him it was
Like his work was really important and he had a lot of things going on prior to the deployment and he had a lot of stuff that he was carrying like my I call her my spiritual mother she had
Given us this book This Love Dare to work on right before he left and it was just like the Lord was just moving and and helping us to like really grow together our intimacy and having conversations and
Just like learning how to pray in a whole new way learning how to pray against an enemy that it’s out to kill and still and Destroy and realizing that like my prayers have power my prayers have power and learning how to intercede for those that I love interceding for my husband and so
When he got deployed I was like okay God it’s you first and then I’m gonna really just invest in my marriage and taking that time with my husband and be like okay let’s make dates like let’s plan
To talk every Tuesday and every Saturday was our days at like 3:00 and at 9:00 a.m. it was like we would talk and we would do a devotional together and we would pray together and we would read a
Book together a Christian book whether it was on finances or communication or whatever it was it was just like okay this is our time this is our season to really just like infest in our marriage and and really learn who the other person is and break off generational sins that we had
Been carrying that you don’t even realize these things come to light when you are with somebody and you’re finally like people are seeing all those dark places all those parts of you and through all of this I started to get healing for the abortion that was just a deep wound for me a
Very deep wound and so my spiritual mom had reach out to me and she I’d never told her I had an abortion but she was doing this ministry called deeper still and she’s like I really think you
Should look into this and when I it was for women that have had abortions and it’s like walking you through healing and so I ended up going while my husband was deployed I I go in this Retreat and I
Just really walk through taking responsibility for what I did but knowing that Jesus loves me that he died so that I didn’t have to carry the weight of that sin and that he would give me new
Life and that I’m forgiven and I can move on from that and I could put my mother mantle back on and so it’s just like really exciting to walk through these deeper levels of healing that I didn’t even
Know I could get to breaking off soul ties you know he was there through all of that he was he loved me through all of those things and so when juston got home it was like we’ve been working on
All like our own stuff and we got home and it was just like a newness like a fresh came over a marriage of just deeper level of intimacy on so many levels and it’s just been exciting it’s been
So encouraging to see how God can move in all of these things and we’re still praying for a baby it was actually just recently so prior like the full year just on was gone I was dealing with pain
And I was having cramping and I was in and out of the emergency room and doctors because I couldn’t understand why I was having so much discomfort and why my periods were so hard and heavy and
Hurtful and so they never had an answer for me so I went to this healing well it was just a regular church service but she decided to pray for healing and so I laid my hands on my uterus my husband
Laid hands with me and we just asked the Lord to heal my womb and I went to stand up after I was like I receive it God I receive your healing and I went to stand up and I was in like the
Most excruciating pain of my life which is crazy because like you’re talking about healing you’re like oh yeah I’m gonna be healed and then all of a sudden you’re in this like incredible pain that you’ve never experienced in your life and I end up going to the emergency room that night and
They admitted me because they weren’t sure they thought maybe my appendix had burst while all this is happening my husband had got new orders so we were moving from Harrisburg to Sterling Virginia so it’s like all these things are happening and I’m having to now uproot from this community
That I’ve been so invested and involved in to a brand new community I’ve never been to so when I went to the emergency room they’re like well you should find uh an OBG do one somebody that really
Specializes in that care because we do see cysts on your ovary like okay so I was like I’m going to look for a doctor in my new area since we’re moving in just a few weeks and one of the first
Doctors I find is like he specializes in cists and stuff and so um like my first day I moved to Sterling I go to this doctor’s appointment and I see this doctor and within like five minutes of
Looking at my labs looking at all my paperwork he’s like you have endometriosis I like what what do you mean and he’s like I would recommend getting surgery right away and so I was like okay okay I guess this what I’m supposed to do so we scheduled
The surgery and I just had surgery December 20th and I was at stage four endometriosis I would have never unless it was a miracle from Jesus I wouldn’t have been able to have children because my body had built up all this endometriosis my opian tubes were
Lit literally like crinkled and I had and my um ovaries were stuck to my bowels like everything was just together and so it’s just the grace of God like God’s favor all these prayers I prayed like he hears them and it’s like we don’t understand his timing we don’t
Understand the steps we have to take we just have to walk in obedience and we just have to trust that he knows and he’s leading and guiding us and he’s doing exactly what like as long as we’re following him he’s going to lead us exactly where we need to be and so
Yeah yeah Rebecca who is Jesus to you well it’s a loaded question Jesus Is My Savior He’s My Redeemer he is my best friend I just love him so much I don’t know how to put into words like to have a relationship with
Jesus to know him and to know that I have this this constant access to his presence that I can be filled with his the fruits of his spirit that I can walk with him that he wants to walk with me
It’s just like it’s overwhelming to truly think about Rebecca could you pray for those who are in that same place fing that block not being able to receive salvation from Jesus um maybe the shame dealing with shame and the blockage of things from the past could you pray for those who are watching
Right now and are ready to walk with Jesus yeah Jesus Jesus Jesus I thank you Lord God I thank you Lord God I thank you that you are so intentional I thank you Lord God for every single person that is
Watching this video I thank you for every person under the sound of my voice I thank you Lord Jesus that you are a Jesus that loves us so intently so big your love is so deep and so wide that you
Have forgiven and you have taken on all of our sin and shame father God that we don’t have to walk in that anymore I just bind and I break every Spirit of anxiety every place every dark hidden place
Of Shame and guilt and I just plead the blood of Jesus over that area and I just thank you Father God that you are a Jesus that’s finds us where we are you come and you rescue you redeem and
You restore and so Lord I just pray for the the glory of you Lord Jesus to fall upon every single person Lord God I pray Lord that your Holy Spirit would lift their hearts Lord Jesus to know you
And to surrender it all to you God nothing is too big nothing is too far nothing is too impossible for you Lord Jesus that you’re just waiting at the door for them to say say Okay God okay Jesus I’ll
Give it a chance I’ll give it to you Lord teach me Lord how to do it your way so Lord Jesus I thank you I thank you Lord for the deliverance and the repentance and the healing that’ll come I thank
You Lord that you are just waiting Lord I Thank you for the freedom the freedom the freedom from every addiction every disease every sickness every ailment to fall at the feet of Jesus I thank you
God for the cross for a Salvation that we could never earn that we can never deserve you bless us you give us what we could never deserve God and so God we worship you we honor you God we give you
All the glory Lord Jesus and Jesus name I pray amen amen Rebecca any last words for people who are watching your testimony right now I would say keep going even if you’re not perfect even if it’s hard even if you’re still sinning keep going keep going to church keep listening to the messages
Keep stepping in and pressing in because Jesus is there and he will meet you he will encounter you but just don’t give up and don’t think that you’re too far gone and don’t don’t don’t quit because he
Is near and there is hope for you I promise you I didn’t think that I was ever going to have a a life anything I didn’t think I would ever amount to anything and if you would have told me 6 years
Ago that this is where my life would be right now that I’d be married that I have a great job that I’d be testifying about the love of Jesus I would have never believed you but just know that God’s
Plans for you are so much bigger and nothing can get in the way of that you just have to choose him
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