There’s a voice deep inside every dad calling him to lead Society vices inner demons negative thoughts try to dampen and drown out that voice but it never goes away your wife feels it your children feel it and your heart and soul feel it too it’s the voice that starts
Off as a whisper but then becomes a calling a calling to be the tip of the spear for your family a calling to play all out and lead by example for your children a calling to build a legacy that will go on for Generations a calling to be the warrior
Dad you were born to be dads our children need us now more than ever to be that Beacon of Hope courage positivity and strength it’s time to rise as Warrior dads together as a Brotherhood if you felt that twinge in your soul it’s time for the warrior d bad Experience welcome to the warrior dad show I am your host Jeff Wickersham I am pumped excited to get into this discussion about how to raise resilient kids with my guest Jeff nelligan Jeff welcome to the show hey Jeff thanks for having me you are quite welcome so let’s
Let’s get into to it let’s hear a little bit about you as a dad and then how do we res raise resilient kids because resiliency I feel like is such a critical component to being able to succeed and thrive in life because you’re going to get knocked down right
You get knocked down seven you got to get up eight so would love to hear you know one family Dynamic kiddos I know you got boys that are a little bit older than than my guys and then let’s get into uh some of those those lessons and
We’ll talk a little a little bit about your book you bet Jeff hey and you know I the whole ethos behind Warrior dad is something that I I never thought of and yet the way you’ve articulated it in the podcasts and you know with your business
It seems like that’s maybe what I was living as a young as a young father with young kids and continuing now up until today and uh the I think the the the core is kind of what the three kind of the three themes that you noticed was you know the energy the
Consistency and the accountability and the idea that if you you’re showing all three at all times your kids are going to sit up and they’re going to notice and they’re going to replicate that kind of behavior yeah so true and I think that’s such a missing component that
Unfortunately a lot of dads Miss they they say something but then they don’t do it and the kids have a great BS meter and they will do more of what you do versus what you say and I know you you have three boys that are what are they
In their 20s now yes they are okay and and they went through their Journey share share a little bit about them as as well just to give context sure uh you know we were talking earlier you said you know my guys are at the gym with me
At 5:15 in the morning I love to hear that I tell you that’s that’s maybe the the most Pleasant thing I’ve heard all week because it goes back to maybe maybe this is the Warrior dead you know thrust is the engagement with the kids the sons the daughters and when when you
Mentioned that I I remembered vividly and it’s in the book that you know that you have four lessons for my three sons is I just didn’t sit on Sidelines or attend games or practices every weekend every evening I was out there sweating it with them not
Because I’m some kind of martyr or hero but the the the kid the young kid if he sees the old man right next to him um it’s G to be ingrained in his mind that you know this kind of activity this thing is good and that has the longest shelf life you
Can imagine my three sons were deeply involved in athletics at an early age okay uh from four all the way to the the end game when the youngest was 21 and he was uh at West Point first team All American rugby and that’s a huge Swatch
Of games and just for that one kid I attended over 1300 games you can multiply that by three and you get the sense of that engagement and I think that the athletic fields and it’s something you kind of go back to a lot just the athletic portion is it’s the
Greatest it’s the greatest testing ground for three things number one the camaraderie of a team number two the discipline in getting good at something you’re not going to be a D1 athlete maybe you’re not going to be D3 you’re not even gonna make the high school team but you’re constantly striving to get
Better at something the third thing is adversity you mentioned it earlier you mentioned it in a lot of what you do everybody gets knocked down no one gets a free ride and the sooner that kid hits that wall and that obstacle and has to get up by himself or by herself the
Better he’s going to be down the line okay and I love that let’s let’s unpack each one of those real quick right the camaraderie piece how did you cultivate that with you and your three sons I I know because I read it in the book but share it with the audience some some
Examples that dads could put into action like this weekend and do with their kids right I think that’s so so impactful yeah um I’m glad you use the weekend Motif because our weekends there was a routine you know we went to the fields with other dads and
Other kids or sometimes just the just the four of us and we would take a football soccer ball lacrosse and that’s what we would do for two or three hours that was morning on a Saturday there’s there was no cartoons there was no looking at um devices or anything it was
We’re headed off there we’re going to meet you know the Joneses and the Smiths and we’re gon to we’re going to play ball for a couple hours and by the time at the end of it you’re going to be tired but you’re G to have that feeling that something was accomplished today and
That meant Sprints that means you know kicking field goals from some guy’s shoe that means how lacrosse balls can you throw back to one another it just builds that kind of that Warrior that rugged spirit in a kid that physical activity always gives to them no I I love that
And when I I I read it in the book it just struck me because my my boys we did that like we we Sundays hey Dad can we throw the football we go down to the local high school we’re running routes I’m throwing it to them and then I’m
Running routes and they’re throwing it to me and it’s it’s such a and it gives me goosebumps just to talk about it like Dad when you’re listening to this that’s what you need to do to build deep bonds with your sons and daughters right so so
That’s just and it’s it’s going to be fun it’s going to keep you young because you’re going to be running around you’re going to be active and when we’re active there is just such a bonding that happens when we’re we’re doing hard stuff we’re physical it’s it’s just
Amazingly powerful so I I love how you frame that up let’s move to number two right discipline oh uh you know what one of my kids once said to me we were he was a you know just starting out in football he was about eth grade and we were you know
Talking about how he’s going to get bigger and faster and footwork which is essential to All Sports yep and I said well you know you look pretty good he was playing you know eighth grade football and they said well you look pretty good in the last game and he get
Dad good is not good enough and I thought oh my gosh how did you learn I wish I’d learned that you know I wish I’d learned that at age 45 right forget you know 13 good is not good enough and that’s that’s just that that grinding motor
That you know you’re going to keep practicing one of my kids said when we were moving out of our old house into a new house he says oh I remember that wall you know where where we’ve got everything piled up against he said I used to spend hours with lacrosse ball
Trying to hit that one brick because that would you know give me the hand skills to you know really fire it across the field when I had to and I thought you know that’s just that discipline which is not hard it’s just continuing at a task until you’ve
Mastered it and so that that’s the key about sports and can I just say too you know this is it can be not only the athletic fields it can be it’s that’s a metaphor but it can be pushing a kid in in robotics or in the theater or in a
Marching band just that engagement with that kid in that certain task where the kid sees dad next to him and knows that he’s supported and he can get better so it’s you know the athletic fields are a perfect metaphor because it really requires a lot but there’s some kids
That are not going to be great at sports so they’re going to look at something else where the dad has to be engaged yeah and I I think it’s so essential when they find out what they right love pour in and do that with them because
Those are going to build build bombs I I mean I just had a a dad who’s in class six the word that experience and one of the reasons why I came to it and he was actually a former fraternity brother of mine he’s got a stepdaughter 17 and
She’s leaving for college in a year and they hadn’t bonded well two weeks next thing you know he gets a call and she ask do you like Justin Timberlake and he says yes and next thing you know they’re going to go to a concert together because it’s something she’s interested
In right and that’s that’s so important then the last one you touched on adversity how do we get through it how do we build that you know that that’s part of your subtitle in your book that resilience in our kids so what are a couple things that we can do as dads to
Guide our kids through those difficult times obviously we’re not going to snowplow the road they’ve got to face those hardships and I I’ll share a story after you do of of one of my sons what he went through but what are a couple things that we can do as dads to to help
That process and build that resiliency you know this is going to sound counterintuitive Jeff but when you say setbacks and and adversity I actually loved seeing my kids in a tight situation whether it was on a field or before a test or going to meet a brand new bunch of new people at
Some event I liked seeing it because I thought they’re gonna have to learn right now what it takes to get over this and if they don’t get over it they’re going to remember next time this happens how they can get over it I we had many
Many tests in my family one time I took my kids to a it was a try out for a play they went to an all boy school they were asked to be at this girl school to help support a production of pyat of pens ants and they were young kids they were
In seventh and sixth grade and they said they didn’t want to do it and I said look you know it’ll look good on your record it’ll look good to your teachers they wouldn’t buy so look I said I’ll give you 10 bucks if you just go to the
Tryouts if you don’t like it I’ll be waiting outside so we went to the girls school theater and I dropped them off with each had 10 bucks in their pockets and I drove away because I wanted them to know if they come outside and the old man is not
There they’re gonna go back inside and they’re going to be part of this production and if that was the adversity and of course when I picked him up I said oh you know oh I didn’t have to wait very long and they said Dad we knew
You’ drive away we knew this was a test and we knew there was no alternative but to go back in and be in the play so I’d love to hear your story yeah mine was one where my my oldest was uh playing on a new travel basketball team a new a
Basketball team new coaches he he was always know top one two three kids on the team and this was a new team and he wasn’t playing much and he was struggling with that fact and you know my wife and I decid decided hey let’s get the number of the coach and you call
The coach and ask him what you need to do to get better and he did he had a conversation I didn’t you know obviously I facilitated him getting the phone you know the phone number but he had a conversation and by the end of the year
He was one of those top two or three kids again playing but it’s it’s like you if you’ve got to correct it and you’ve got to fight through it you’ve got to you got to be resilient and too many times now I see parents just fixing things
We’re not we’re not doing our kids any favors by doing that yes is that the kneejerk reaction yeah we all have it right but if you have that mindset of building resilience building grit building some some mental toughness they’ve got to go through those trials and tribulations because they’re not
Going to get like you said we’re not going to get out of life without going through the fire multiple multiple times as you go through through the process so another thing I want to touch on because I I read in the book that that really opened my eyes situational awareness oh
Yeah and calling out yes things that are happening that aren’t right or that can be great lessons for your kiddos so share a story or two of what you what you did uh with with your three boys in in that situational awareness you bet uh and situational awareness essay I mean
That was that’s been my kind of watch word ever since I got out of college because I was in the political Sphere for you know 30 years and the idea was that whenever you go anywhere walk into a room or a Home Depot or a restaurant you read the
Crowd you look around and you just get a sense of what’s going on who’s hot who’s not and that you that there’s going to be no surprise because you’ve taken a good glimpse of what is in front of you and thinking of how to handle any situation that might appear now that’s
Tough to get for a young kid but you can build it one of the techniques that I used is when we were out in that real world like the Home Depot or the restaurants or the mall or athletic events wherever I would just point out stuff that was right and that was wrong
If you saw a senior helping you an adult helping a senior open a door you point it out you say that’s the way you need to be so if you see a jerk k kid who’s look on his phone while his parents are humping his gear from back from a
Football game you say that kid’s a jerk you never want to be like that so kids are immediately given this you know Tableau of what is right what is wrong and how they should behave in situations like that which will occur throughout not only their childhood but their life
Yeah and I think that’s so powerful when it’s happening in front of them yeah and you can say hey that’s a great thing that that adult held a door for a senior citizen and I reinforce it with my boys I mean we go into the Y and my yeah
Youngest son held the door for somebody behind him today and I said hey that’s that’s how we are as wicker Shams right but same thing I think I I shared before the call one of the you know guy at the Y got out had a smoke before he went in
And I said don’t ever be like that like that guy’s not getting ahead because he’s he’s having a smoke before he even walks into the YMCA right so pointing out the good but also the bad are are very very powerful lessons the other thing I got as I’m halfway through your
Your book we’re Cut From the Same Cloth related to bsy what how do you how do you feel about what I feel is the dirty four-letter word in the English language is busy it is oh I couldn’t agree more you know I you don’t you hear it Jeff
Every day from almost anybody I mean he all the time every day go constant I hear it I hear it at work I was just on two phone calls earlier and I heard it and I just thought my gosh you know and you know it’s always prefaced by and
You probably noticed this I’m crazy busy I’m so crazy busy and I tell you the third time I hear someone tell me they’re crazy busy I say you’re not crazy busy you’re crazy disorganized and of course that hardly you know fills the bill but yes I agree
With that that whole term and the way it is just so easily thrown around yeah it’s it’s people’s I think it’s just an excuse for not taking control of their life and doing the hard work and and setting priorities you get the same 24
Hours in a day that I do right we just prioritize we make sure that we hit the mark on those big value activities that that we attack and I’ve seen it happen and I I shared a story before we jumped on I’ll share it with with the audience this morning coming back
In my truck was in front of the neighborhood and I I saw a bus and it had 20 or so kids and they were getting on and I was standing you know sitting in waiting for the bus to to leave for about five minutes and all of a sudden
This mom came sprinting up hold hold the bus and then her daughter came sprinting up and I’ve seen it happen multiple multiple times dads if that’s occurring in your life your kids are going to pay that price yeah if they’re dealing with anxiety and stress that could be a hugee
Contributing factor to why they are because they’re not on time you’re not disciplined you’re not organized it has a trickle trickle down effect in everything that your kids are doing so I I’ll just ask comments on that one you know the the being late thing and I I we
Joked about this earlier you know I had a drill sergeant when I was in the Army this is a basic training at Fort Benning home of the Infantry Y and he would always scream at the platoon tune if you’re five minutes late damn it if you’re five minutes early damn it
You’re late IE you need to be prepared to be early and so it just it resonated throughout the whole of my life and of course it became this great phrase that we would shriek whenever we were having to go somewhere and then of course we’d shriek it whenever we saw people showing
Up late to the event and you you’re exactly right about telling this to Dad’s obviously of which I am one if your Tempo is panic and Chaos your kids G to be psychotic by the time they’re 10 and it’s so easy to be early it takes
No skill no Talent it doesn’t take a big brain it takes nothing to be early and to see and check out and be prepared for whatever is going to be coming at you next and the fact that that that people aren’t on time means as we talked about
Before that they’re more important than you because it’s your time that’s being burned so yeah huge was a huge theme in our family and it Remains the Same with them even today and I should mention my kids my three kids are Military Officers okay so they’re leading from the front
To borrow one of your phrases they have to set an example for the dozens in dozens and sometimes hundreds of enlisted men and Senior ncos that are below them Y and the first lesson is the commanding officer is always there ahead of time so I need to be there ahead of
Time and it’s in it’s a Priceless lesson and so your your example of the bus is ideal yeah and and your spot on I mean I huge respect for the military and and the discipline and the structure and and your your three sons and and you
Serving it’s just so powerful to set the standard and dads we set that standard for our families you like you can adopt that military mindset for the family and set the standard and your kids will follow and and I was laughing audience as as I sent Jeff a note earlier with
The link to jump on I said be five minutes early and I said no problem for you because I knew what his drill sergeant had said and I actually got I is here8 minutes early and he still beat me and we were laughing about it cuz I
Said I was going to see who who who made it earlier in the uh in jumping on so what are one or I I love mantras and I know you’ve got them throughout the book let’s talk about the book a little bit what are a couple mantras that your
Family you you and your boys used that are powerful that maybe other dads might be able to adopt and and apply and leverage in their family Dynamics and how they lead their their kiddos sure I mean I think the first one and we we kind of talked about it life is life is
Simple it’s just not easy and you can get a handle on easy if you you just drive at it you know maybe with that Warrior Spirit the first thing a kid has to be is you know personal conduct you’re on time you follow through on jobs you have that self-awareness the
Second one is developing confidence you’re the guy that walks in that room and feels at ease because you’ve done it a dozens of times before and you’ve become this almost this muscle memory this reflex to do the right thing the third one we talked about was that adversity part being able to rebound
From absolute you know tragedy or catastrophe and not just fold like a $ three suitcase you know that that ability just to the grit to dig in and say okay I’m faced with this what’s the immediate ADV advance I can make that drill sergeant once again that’s stuck
With me for 40 years 30 years assess adapt Advance those three ideas whenever you face an obstacle the last one and you are going to be getting into it soon and I’m met a lot of dads already are is ambition how do you create that ambition
In a kid so that he always wants more every day and that it leads him to something that is going to be worthwhile and satisfying for him I love that last one that you just mentioned ambition it’s it’s near and dear to my heart with 15 and 13 year old
Sons and oh that’s what I meant yeah one one thing I I encourage dads to do and I I do with my two boys is I share the vision they I know where they want to go I share that I see the vision before them because it’s very tough for them to
See it but if they have somebody else that can share that hey this is the vision where you’re headed then they get empowered and then they get that I think it Stokes that ambition flame in them and I I share a I I sent a picture one morning this
Football season to my oldest son and it was a picture of him staring out to the empty Beaver Stadium up at pens univers you know Penn State University Penn State sure and I said that’s the vision Chase it wow and I had I had some dads
That said well you you’re going to be set them up for success and I said BS what if I can’t dream and I can’t share the vision they’re not going to chase it it’s not my job to say you got to be realistic screw realistic like that’s my
Mindset around it and I I’m interested to hear your opinion I would agree I’ll tell you maybe we’re agreeing too much here I’d agree 100% because there’s nothing realistic about a kid who’s 15 or 13 they can do anything I know I’ve seen it my own Sons
My son walked on to the rugby team at West Point having never played the sport because they didn’t take Walk-Ons for the football team okay he’s a big kid he’s a sharp kid he’s an Arabic French major uh and he walked onto the rugby team and after 70 tryouts 70 kids trying out
There was three left and he was one of them four years later he was first team All-American in rugby and the MVP of the national championship game which West Point W and now he plays Pro rugby unbelievable when he started after his second his second um semester at West
Point as a freshman and he had made the team He says Dad you know I think I can play pro and instead of saying you’re out of your mind you’re going to be an infantry officer right in Africa or the Middle East you know in a ranger I said
You know I bet you can because you’re such a hard ass about everything you do you could get there I love it and there he is playing pro and I remember the conversation as he does so I agree with you there’s no don’t worry about realistic when kids are at that age they
Can do anything yeah love it love it I’ve loved the discussion Jeff where can people find the book where can they find you you bet I my book is at www. nelligan books.com the title is four lessons for my three sons how you can raise a
Resilient kid the key is it’s the second edition it’s new and improved from the one I wrote five years ago um I’m on LinkedIn is Jeff nelligan Facebook at nelligan books and on Instagram at nelligan books Jeff thanks for uh thanks for being on the show I’ll definitely link
Those up in the uh in the show notes love the discussion thanks Jeff thank and thanks for what you’re doing I hope you get to that million dads I will I that’s where I’m dedicating my next 30 Years so I I will appreciate it appreciate it appreciate you listening
Appreciate you watching dare to be uncommon love Le Legacy create a legendary day and I’ll talk to you soon
source
