[rapid knocking on door] [buzzer] – HEY, MAN. HOW YOU DOING? YOU GUYS GOT BOW AND ARROWS? – YEAH. – OH, YEAH. OH, THAT’S IT. YEAH, THERE IT IS. THERE. THAT’LL DO IT. THAT’S GONNA DO IT. YUP. WHERE ARE THE ARROWS AT? [clears throat] YEAH. YOU GOT–YOU GUYS GOT M80s?
– WE DON’T CARRY FIREWORKS. – DAMN! YOU HAVE, UH– YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE THAT’S EXPLOSIVE THAT I COULD TAPE TO THE END OF AN ARROW? – WE HAVE SHOTGUN SHELLS, BUT… – UH-HUH. OOH. – I FEEL I HAVE TO ASK, ARE YOU PLANNING TO ATTACH THOSE TO ARROWS
AND USE THEM AS A WEAPON? – WHAT? NO. WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY? [laughs] YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK THOUGH? WHAT–WHAT–WHAT IF I SHOT EXPLOSIVE ARROWS THROUGH A WINDOW TO BREAK ‘EM OPEN? – SIR, I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO ASK YOU WHAT YOU’RE PLANNING TO USE THESE FOR.
– OH, NO, I’M NOT PLANNING TO DO ANYTHING. I’M JUST–THIS IS JUST CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. I’M GETTING A– YOU GOT ZIP LINES? – NOPE. – BUT YOU GOT, LIKE, HOOKS AND ANCHORS AND CABLES? – WE GOT SOME OF THOSE THINGS, BUT I DO NOT RECOMMEND MANUFACTURING YOUR OWN ZIP LINE.
– OH, I’M NOT DOING THAT. NO. LET’S SAY SOMEBODY WAS MANUFACTURING THEIR OWN ZIP LINE. – MM-HMM. – YOU THINK IF THEY HAD BUSTED SOME WINDOWS OPEN ON A BUILDING SOMEHOW, THEN FIRED THE ZIP LINE OFF A BOW AND ARROW, AND IT ATTACHED TO THE WALL OF SAID BUILDING,
THAT THEY COULD JUST RIDE THE ZIP LINE INTO THE BUILDING? – I HAVE NO IDEA. SIR, WHATEVER YOU ARE PLANNING ON DOING, PLEASE DON’T DO IT. – I’M NOT–I’M NOT– I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING. I’M JUST DOING SOME CHRISTMAS SHOPPING, TRYING TO GET IT OUT OF THE WAY.
YOU KNOW, BOW AND ARROWS FOR MY NEPHEW. THE ZIP LINE’S FOR MY… GRANDMOTHER. ET CETERA AND WHATNOT. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING THERE? IT’S NOTHING. NO BIG DEAL. SPEAKING OF OTHER THINGS, DO YOU GUYS HAVE JUST THE, UH, TOP HALF OF A KNIGHT IN ARMOR?
– FIRST OF ALL, IT’S CALLED A SUIT OF ARMOR. – OH, YUP, THAT’S IT. THAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S WHAT I MEANT TO SAY. – WE HAVE ONE BUT IT’S SOLD… – OH! – AS A COMPLETE SET. – YUP. YUP. – YUP. – YEAH, BUT THE PERSON IT’S FOR,
THEY ONLY NEED THE– THEY DON’T NEED THE– THEY JUST NEED THE TOP HALF. THEY DON’T NEED THE LEGS. – MM-HMM. – WELL, WHAT IF SOMEBODY WAS SHOOTING AT YOU AND– WHAT ARE THE CHANCES YOU THINK THEY’D TRY TO SHOOT YOUR LEGS? – I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT A SUIT OF ARMOR WILL NOT DEFLECT BULLETS. – I’LL TAKE MY CHANCES– WITH CHRISTMAS. WHICH BRINGS ME, UH, TO MY NEXT QUESTION. DO YOU GUYS HAVE ROLLER SKATES? – I THINK WE HAVE A PAIR AROUND. – UH-HUH. LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
HOW FAST DO YOU THINK YOU’D HAVE TO BE GOING ON ROLLER SKATES TO GET PAST A COUPLE OF ARMED GUARDS AND STILL BE GOING FAST ENOUGH TO SMASH THROUGH A SAFE DOOR? – ONE OF THOSE BIG BANK SAFES? – NO! I DON–I DON’T KNOW. YEAH. YEAH? UH…
HEY, YOU GUYS GOT ONE OF THOSE, YOU KNOW, JUST ONE OF THOSE BIG BAGS WITH A DOLLAR SIGN ON THE SIDE OF IT? – OKAY. – [snorts] [coughs] YEAH? – YOU’RE GONNA SHOOT ARROWS WITH SHOTGUN SHELLS ATTACHED TO ‘EM TO A BANK WINDOW TO BLOW OUT THE GLASS.
THEN YOU’RE GONNA SHOOT A ZIP LINE THROUGH THAT WINDOW AND YOU’RE GONNA SLIDE ON INTO THE HALLWAY. YOU’RE GONNA BE WEARING ROLLER SKATES SO YOU CAN JUST SKATE ON PAST THE ARMED GUARDS, WHO WILL BE SHOOTING AT YOU, AND YOU’RE GONNA HOPE THAT THEY BOTH WON’T HIT YOUR LEGS,
AND, IF THEY ARE AIMING AT YOUR TORSO, THE SUIT OF MEDIEVAL ARMOR WILL DEFLECT THE BULLETS. THEN YOU’RE GONNA HOPE TO GATHER ENOUGH SPEED TO BURST THROUGH THE BIG BANK VAULT AT THE END OF THE HALLWAY WHERE YOU’RE GONNA COLLECT THE MONEY IN A CARTOON MONEY BAG. – WELL, NO.
I’M JUST AN UNCLE WHO’S BUYING SOME [bleep] FOR CHRISTMAS AND I, UH, THINK I’LL TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE. MERRY CHRISTMAS. – IT’S APRIL.
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