Like your okay dear participants welcome to this session of Islam study Circle we’ll start off our session with the Quran and the verses of the Quran that are under discussion today are verses 25 to 27 of Surah unus so they read as and God invites you to Paradise the
Abode of Peace he guides according to the law whomever he Wills to a straight path those who did Good Deeds shall have a good reward and more besides neither Blackness nor humiliation shall overcast their faces these are the Dwellers of paradise wherein they shall abide forever
As for those that have earned evil then the reward of evil is evil and humiliation will cover them no one will be able to save them from God it will be as though patches of The Dark Night have wailed their faces they are the Dwellers of the fire wherein they shall abide
Forever viewers you can see clearly that this is a very specific style of the Quran in which parallel situations are placed adjacent to one another we see in the first section of these verses the fate of those people who will end up in paradise and right next to that we find
A mention of those people who will end up in hell so the first thing which is mentioned here is that God guides according to his law whomsoever he Wills to a straight path the important thing to realize here is that this guidance of God is Not based on any whim or any
Desire or anything which might be halfhazard it has a very sound basis it’s a law which is governed by his own wisdom and the law is that the person who is willing to be guided is guided a person who actually gives value to his inner guidance is the person who is
Guided by the almighty and a person who does not value the inner guidance or the innate guidance or the awareness of Good and Evil which is found in every human being he is not Guided by the almighty and and whenever the words Mayha appear like this basically the stress is to say
That no one can stop the hand of God from implementation no deity no inter no person who intercedes before God has the power to stop what he would like to implement so these words have both these connotations first that God will do whatever he would like to of course
Referring to the fact in accordance with the law that he has made for this whole exercise and that is that people who are are worthy of being guided shall be guided and the second is that when he decides to guide some people or group of people then there’s no one who can stop
Him and if he decides to misguide people as a result of punishment then there is no one who can stop his hand in any way so the Quran says that these are the people who did good deeds and shall have a good reward as far as the first of
Them are concerned neither Blackness nor humiliation shall overcast their faces they are the Dwellers of paradise wherein they shall abide forever so they’re living the way they are going to dwell in Paradise the way they’re going to live in Paradise is uh explained here in a way that inspires
People to do good deeds so that they can end up in paradise and right next to that we find the opposite and that is that as for those that have earned evil and the reward of evil is evil and humiliation will cover them uh no one will be able to serve
Them from save them from God it will be as though patches of The Dark Night have wailed their faces again this is the uh explanation or the description of Hell which we can clearly see is found adjacent to the uh portrayal of of paradise these are the two things that
Often occur together and clearly it is said that these are the people who who shall be covered with patches of Dark Knight and their faces will be wailed and they are the Dwellers of the fire wherein they shall live forever the Quran has made this point in
A number of instances that as far as this world is concerned the uh the consequence or the ultimate culmination of this world is going to be a day of judgment on that day of judgment people will will be judged according to their deeds and people whose out good deeds
Outnumber their evil ones will be the ones who will be pleased who whom God would be pleased with and they will end up in Paradise other than that people who have done bad deeds and done them in abundance such that their evil Deeds outo outdo their Good Deeds then they
Are the ones who shall end up in Hell Fire Quran has made it absolutely clear that no intercession no deity will be able to help people in any way these are all false supports a person is going to earn whatever he or she does in this
World no one else is going to have any effect or any impact on the consequence of a person or the P the place that he will end end up in so Quran at another instance has said which means that a person shall only earn what he has strived for in
This world so people have to be absolutely sure here that the call of God is as the words beautifully say well God invites you to of peace and we see from the Quran that paradise has been called the of Peace in a way that it will be a place in which a
Person will not have any fear of the future nor any regret of the past so the Quran uses this this sentence copiously for the life of paradise it tells us that a person as far as he going to stay in Paradise he’s going to
Live in a in a in Bliss in in joy in Comfort we when we live in this world two greatest fears that plague us are the regrets of the past and of course the fears of the future so the life of paradise has been predicted has been
Depicted in the Quran in a sense that whatever will happen there will be free for any regrets one will never regret what he did in the past or did not do in the past something that is a really good feeling that we can have whenever we are
Uh in a in a precarious situation similarly there will be no fear or dread of the of the future this is something that we all are so used to living in this world that we are either regretting the past or we are fearing the future so
The life of parad is the entire opposite there shall be none of these but as far as the life of hell is concerned the Quran says that this is something which again will be earned by people to their own misdeeds and the Quran is said that the reward of evil is equal
Evil is the same evil and of course uh signifying the fact that this is a place in which there shall be no recompense there and Injustice will not be uh in was served there it will be Justice all the way and when people will land up there they will be humiliated as the
Quran says Zillah humiliation will cover them they will be they will be helpless there they’ll have no one to help them and as the Quran says which means that it will be as though patches of The Dark Night have wailed their faces and these are the
Dwellers of the fire so we have to understand that as far as this world is concerned it is a world in which we are put through a trial of gratitude and a trial of patience trial of patience of course is the trial which we face when we are going through tribulations and
Difficult circumstances and the trial of gratitude relates to situations in which we have been given in abundance and the trust is the trial is whether we thank God or not or we tend to forget him both Tri are very tough in fact the trial of gratitude perhaps is
Tougher than trial of patience because one tends to forget God when life is comfortable when life is easy so the Quran has made it absolutely clear that as far as the hair offter is concerned these are the only two consequences which will arise and we as human beings
Have to be vigilant and diligent in the way that we are going to behave in this world we now let’s go on to the next next section of our study Circle which is the Hadith of the day and the Hadith that has been selected for today is from
The alj of IM Muslim it is narrated by Malik who says that so an Malik reported from the prophet who said neither nurse Mutual jealousy nor hatred nor break Mutual relations and become Servants of God who are brothers to one another these words are so uh impactful if you read them the
Way they have been reported of course uh most of these words which are reported from the prophet in this way are simply like maxims they’re like adjas they’re like Proverbs and most of them have been preserved in their original language in such cases so the word that starts off with the fact
That which means that do not be jealous of one another now jealousy is something that we all know leads a person to Nowhere a person who ends up jealous is a person who has no other cause in life than to worry about what others have and he himself
Does not have and he spends all his time in brooding in complaining in always being in a state of helplessness in a state of frustration and disappointment so a person who is jealous is bound to be a person who is always unsatisfied one of the remedies to
Overcome jealousy is to be proud of One’s Own skill set you see every single person has been blessed with some skill with some uh aptitude I would say some uh good inner ability and if we are able to gauge our inner ability if we are able to understand our own skill set and
Concentrate on what we have instead of concentrating on what other people have this is something which is a good remedy of jealousy it Con makes us concentrate on our own skill set it makes us concentrate and realize that God has blessed us also and the important thing
Again as we have seen from the quranic uh passage that we have just studied that life is a place of test in this life people are given things or they are stripped of these things not on the basis of any Merit not on the basis of the fact that they deserve something but
The whole point is to try out a person person what does he do how does he behave and so therefore if he’s given something which is more uh accomplished who is more accomplished than your own self or maybe he has something which is far outnumbering what we have this is
Not something which God has done as a favor to him is basically a trial and a test that he has put through so one has to concentrate as much as possible on one’s own self life is something which always beckons of beckons us to call and
Reflect over our own over our own future we are people who are given to a lot of frustration at times we Daydream at times we brood and most of the time we are always thinking that what are other people have what other people have and
What we do not have so the point which the prophet wants to make here is that basically don’t think what other people are have just concentrate on your own good deeds and the the talent that you have and of course this would mean that you concent in and discovering that
Talent uh in the first instance and once this Talent is discovered then that Talent must be put to use and the use of that Talent is that you can of course turn it into your profession that passion can turn into a profession and the second thing is that of course you
Can serve the society that you live in the second thing which is mentioned here is which means that do not hate one another now hatred again is something which is a very mean emotion it’s emotion which takes us away from one another and hatred of course can be uh I
Mean it can arise from various reasons and one of the most uh one of the most common reasons of this hatred of course is that you feel that other people are far blessed than your own self so remember at times hatred is a is a very
Very uh it’s a very cherished thing for example if you hate evil if you hate people who are being oppressed people who are oppressing people so this hatred is something which is L placed it’s it’s a it’s a place that one everyone has in one’s own life because hating evil
Hating bad Deeds hating bad people of course is something which is basically emanating from our own sense of honor our own sense of Integrity but when we cross these limits and we start hating people uh for what they have and what we do not have then this is like crossing
The limits also one thing that might be of important importance to note here is that whenever you have to hate a person because of his bad Deeds it should not be the person himself that you should fa you should hate it’s basically the bad Deeds that he or she is doing uh that
Should be a cause of your hatred so in other words you have to hate the sin and not the sinner because you see all of us have these weak points all of us are in some form or the other we are incapacitated we are handicapped and if we are hating people for these
Shortcomings remember these shortcomings are found in ourselves as as well so the important thing is that we have to make the best out of what we have and hating evil is not the solution reforming affectionately evil deeds and people who are who are around us is the right way
So the prophet himself has said that you are people who are like brothers to one another as the narrative itself goes on to say that you are like a Brotherhood to one one another you have the same fraternity you have the same uh Brotherhood and and communicate if
You if you look at these things in a way that is positive so to to hide one another’s uh bad habits and to encourage the good ones is what has to be done and if a person has become incriminated with evil then we should be even more
Concerned about that person so one thing that we often do is we isolate ourselves from bad people or we think that we should not make friends with bad people I think this should be the reverse if people who are in involved in grave things which are which are absolutely
Aboring we should not draw away from such people in fact this should make us even more concerned we should be even more affectionate to these people because they need our they need our love they need our concern and at times it is this love and it is this concern which
Accounts for that person changing his own world so that is what the prophet has wanted us to do and then it says which means that do not break familial relations do not break these Blood Ties and this is something which has been mentioned in the Quran a number
Of times in fact the Quran has actually pointed out that the basic morals or the basic uh uh St statutes of morality while pointing them out has said that you have to fulfill the rights of your Kindred it is a top virtue you must not
In any way break your ties with them so remember this is something something which is Unbecoming this is something which shows our own arrogance this is something which tells us that well we find ourselves to be superior to other people but is not the right thing this
Is not the right attitude and as far as we are concerned we have to realize that at times yes we do face oppression we do face Injustice we do face this rivalry from our from our blood relations but then as the Quran has said at another instance it
Says that you drive away this evil that people are showing to you by doing good deeds to them if they are bad to to you in return you should be good to them and the Quran says and if you do this if you start coming closer to people if you start
Loving people instead of hating them in spite of their rivalry in spite of their jealousy in spite of all their evil habits that you they have for us and you reply every bad instance of uh of uh happening or incident with a good one with with a smiling face with perhaps
Encouraging their Good Deeds uh pitching in with the word uh which they deserve if they have done good deeds these are the things which are going to actually create that thing that we call moral Victory so if you’re morally Victorious you are going to win over the heart of
That person and this is a objective that we all have that we must try to win over the hearts of people and finally as it’s says that become Servants of God and who are brothers to one another again this is something which we know clearly is not easy at all when you you
Find all people against you or when you find the world turning against you when you find that there are instances in which people are trying to uh lower your own morale you do feel that in in a very very blad light but the Quran says that
Well you have to behave as one another’s Brothers which means that just as a brother feels for another brother you have to feel for your brother you have to give that brother the the opportunity to fall back on you to encourage you you are the one who is who’s going to hide
The faults of other people you are going to highlight his good points so all these things are are are commendable there are things which we have to do as far as as our own attitude towards other people are concerned now let us to the third section which is the Bible verse of the
Day and today we are going to study Psalms or the ninth chapter and Ninth verse of the book of Psalms it says the Lord will be a high tower for those who are crushed down a high tower in times of trouble so what is being expressed here
Is that our greatest shelter is God himself he’s the one uh in which we have to seek Refuge God is our shelter he is someone who is going to save us he is our savior he is our protector he is our Guardian the Quran uses these words W of
Course signifying the fact that he is our friend as well so this is what the Quran says that God befriends those who are believers so God is the friend of Believers and it’s such a beautiful expression it gives us this feeling of elation that God is our
Friend he is someone who’s going to look after us we can fall on him we can depend on him we know that he is not there to to to to give us that hard time that we normally think yes at times he makes us pass through various trials and
Tribulations but then these trials and these tribulations are not meant to put us in bother per se but the reason or they come is they would like to make us stronger than before so when we pass through a trial we know that our latent abilities they come to the surface when
We pass through our trials we draw on those extra reserves and we become stronger than before so you see these trials make you stronger than before and then at times these trials bring us closer to God because we tend to remember God more when we are passing through these difficult circumstances
And such is this this uh this huge impact that we have of that thing that we call loneliness or the thing that we call uh the lack of dependability on other people that when we feel that God is with us we have that feeling that that drenches us it it fulfills us it
Makes us elated and we feel the same way as a person who is under in under the sky the sky is being rained down there are a lot of raindrops falling on you and just as those raindrops drench us we feel that God’s mercy also drenches us
It takes hold of us it grips us and we realize that we are experiencing God we cannot see God we cannot touch God but yes we can experience him and this experiential uh contact with God of course is something that all of us have we know that many a time that when we
Pray to God our prayers are fulfilled and this gives us that feeling that someone has heard us and then of course we also know that at times if God has not heard us and things have not happened according to what we would have liked them to happen in hindsight we end
Up thinking that well it was better that things did not end up the way we wanted them to end up because we we would have been in a spot of bother and we would have said that yes this is something which is had it happened to us we would
Have been pushed to the wrong side so when you look back in our hindsight retrospectively you always realize that things happen for the better things in all instances they push us they urge us towards positivity and this is precisely what prophet David has said here that
The Lord will be high tower for those who are crushed down a high tower in times of trouble so the concept of this Tower it’s a huge structure when you stand before it you you just simply have that all inspired feeling in your own self you think that you are standing
Before a structure a bullwark that is going to protect you that is going to save you and no different is the uh existence of God for all of us the way this uh verse depicts now we come to the fourth segment uh dear viewers that is often a moderated
Section uh in which we have a topic which is floated and you give your own uh points of views and hopefully inshallah we should have a good discussion because the topic is quite interesting it says what are the common complaints of children against their parents so over to you Mariam you can
Now start off thank you very much Dr Sim I’ll start off the discussion so I think there are times where parents they’re so focused on keeping their children safe to the point that they feel the need to act like you know solid and strong rocks and so they don’t share
A lot of the worries or other things that are going on in their lives and I think you know for younger childrens that works but for example in my case um my brothers and I we’re all in our 20s we’re adults now so like um I feel like
My mom she takes on a lot of like social worries that kind of stuff she keeps it with herself they might be discussing it amongst themselves but they don’t share as much with us and my dad he’s even worse when it comes to communication so like he wouldn’t tell us if there are
Any Financial worries or anything of that sort you know he’s just like yeah I’ll deal with this so and I think it’s important to share because that gives your children perspective like what’s going on around them in terms of like say household politics whatever or like work politics but it also gives them
Perspective on how to deal with matters uh so that’s my complaint so this is a very positive complaint I would say that you’d like your parents to share their their problems with you and uh of course this is something that uh I mean that cannot
Be classified genuinely as a as a as a grievance that you might have against parents but yes this is something which is I mean you see parents they tend to Shield their children from bothers and and these things so they would not like to dulge the problems that they are
Going through so typically they would keep these problems to themselves and I think that when you become a parent you’ll realize that how at times this is uh this is like an inbuilt phenomena in every parent a parent would like to keep those problems to himself or herself and
Give the best environment to the children so I think this is uh in a way positive from them but then I think what you can do is as a as a adult grownup child you can you can talk to them and you can say that well I I am grown up
Enough to understand the problems and if you share your problems with me they might be solved in a way that is congenial to all of us you might have a helping hand you might have something of an extended help so I think in such cases if you give that confidence to
Your parents in which they are able to open up to you and they are able to confide in you and this is an effort that that adult children have to make you see you have to give them that trust that they can they they can talk to you
Without being judged and without being in any way condemned because see when they they talk about those complaints at times those complaints they could be I mean they could be unfounded and they could be well grounded so you see you need to have that magnanimity as
Well it thank you very much for that Dr Sim Shaban Ansari please go ahead asalam alikum [Laughter] wam so much into cricket por [Laughter] I mean you see we have to understand that children have their own emotions they have a lot of pressure that we might not feel you see this Spar
Pressure the pressure of living living in a a society in which uh information sharing is so much that you I mean there’s hardly any privacy left for people so I think we need to understand that the age that we are passing through the times that we are passing through
Are very different from the times that existed when we were growing up so therefore in such circumstances you have to encourage your children you have to spend your quality time with them you must make them realize that yes there is a distance between the two of you but at
The same time you are friends to one another you look after one another you can depend on one another and this is the challenge that every parent does face but I think that if this challenge is something which can be overcome in some way or the other and if this
Challenge is something which a parent realizes that I’m not going to be a hindrance at all though I think that this is this is something that can be overcome thank you veran nure please go ahead Salam alaykum so my well this is maybe like a more personal thing but like my biggest
Problem uh with my parents I’m myself I’m 23 years old and my parents are like considered uh consider themselves Shia but I don’t see myself as Shia I see myself as a Sunni Sunni Muslim and uh it it creates a lot of friction between me and my parents especially my father
As for some reason I try to avoid it constantly to discuss the religious topic with him but uh somehow every single conversation somehow gets into religion and it’s very tiring and also because I want to marry into a a Sunni girl a Sunni family but uh my father or
My parents are like opposed to that they want like a Shiite family or and girl and they even like I don’t want to say Sab sabotaged me but when I when well I was with like a Sunni uh girl I was engaged to her but in the end it did not
Work out because of the friction between our two families so I am like I don’t know what to do at this point I understand so you see this is an a classical and a typical um instance of in which the parents don’t realize that they’re child is now a grownup human
Being and he or she should have a complete freedom of choice in selecting a spouse and selecting a career in and taking any major decision of Life see they need to understand that once a child has a grown as he’s entered into a grown-up age now he is an individual in
Himself and yes parents can suggest they can uh give their own opinion they can share their experience but they in no way should make a face or I mean complain or brood or uh I mean as as we can see that they also emotionally blackmail their their children by saying
That well if you’re not going to listen to me that I’m not going to attend your wedding or I’m not going to bless you or this and that which is not the right thing so remember this has arisen because we think or in fact the parents
Think that they have this hold on their children as as long as they’re living I mean uh I mean they might be 60 or 80 years old but if the parent is alive he or she still thinks that well uh that my child should listen to me and I think
This is a this is a paradigm which is uh I mean which is part of many patriarchal society so patriarchy is something which demands obedience patriarchy is something which likes you to submit and yes surely we are trying to move away from that patriarchal uh emotion I would
Say but still there are I mean so many families all all over the world uh who don’t realize this and I I have my sympathies with you Baron and I do think that this is one area in which the complaint of adult child is absolutely genuine it’s absolutely something which
Is warranted and I wish something could be done to make the parents understand that they have adopted a wrong stance yeah thank you very much uh if you have any advice on my situation I would greatly appreciate it yes I think uh I mean in all circumstances be polite
Uh don’t express your frustration or anger do what you would like to do but I think you can be firm without being harsh so my advice would be to be firm without being harsh okay thank you very much J nashad shafkat please go ahead yesam Dr and first of all a thumbs
Up for Mariam uh her viewpoint Dr I’m the complaint that I think my children have against me is like the youngest is not yet an adult but uh he thinks that I am overdominant advising him to do this and don’t do that and do this and don’t do
That while I know that he is still a little immature in the sense that he’s not an adult and after all I have my experience behind me so when I whenever I try and uh engage with him in convers of course I have a lot of talk with my
Children we exchange views on many things but when it comes to something like telling him about studies or something there is a reaction that I find in him which is like he will avoid IE contact and if I’m talking to him while I’m sitting and passing by and
I’ve called him he’ll just give me a short answer and try and go into the other room so these are these are problems that uh parents sometimes face uh and this is the sort of complaint that children have that our parent is too dominating while we on our part
Don’t think we are dominating we are just giving him uh uh the benefit of our experience right I think uh one of the things that might benefit you is to adopt a style in which your child thinks that you are not uh I mean in any way
Critical of his uh approach into life or whatever he does but you are trying to facilitate him so you see uh I mean I what I try to do and what I try to advise is thatth you can share your experience you can share your view but
Once you have done that you give this uh disclaimer to your child at well this is my view but whatever you say and whatever you do is something that as an adult you know would have consequences and you free to choose but I’ll always be behind you whatever decision you take
I’ll I’ll support you I may not agree with the decision I might share a different experience I might tell you that this is something that is going to be lethal but if you still think so then I will still still support you I’ll still uh stand behind
You as a father or as a mother so I think this is something which instills that trust and confidence in the child and at times uh this confidence makes him or her realize that well I maybe need to trust my father much more so I think this is this uh this is this
Phrase that we often use is to learn to let go of your children so you see you need to let them make mistakes Because unless they make mistakes and I think if you perspectively think upon think on our own lives we have made plenty of mistakes and learned through those
Mistakes so you see it’s it’s not the I mean it’s not the way of God that to you learn always through others mistakes many people have to do mistakes to learn those from those mistakes and I think we need to realize the course which God has given us so accepting that your child
Can make a mistake and uh when he does so you’ll not be there to scold him but you’ll be there to to still Embrace him and tell him that well I’m still there for you so I think this is that that trust and confidence which you can
Inspire in your child if you are able to do so uh that is not going to take him away in any way even I I’ve seen this attitude uh when children in a way that uh at times they would do something purely to for the wish of their father
Mother uh even if they have a different view I mean I’m not saying this is correct what I’m saying is that that they go to lengths and they take pains in pleasing their father and mother because they know that my father and mother even if they’re differing with me
They are still standing by me and this is one thing which is difficult also because it needs a lot of patience it need you know that there is a Abyss right down the road you know that he’s going to fall in that like you still
Stop short and say well I am with you but remember this is something that’s going to happen so you see as parents our tendency that we try to grab our child and not let him fall but I think that this is one area that is fine if
The child is growing up but once he’s grown up you you need to let that child fall in that pit at times because that’s the only way he’s going to learn thank you very much Dr Sim we’ll take two more discussion well we’ll take two more discussion points and then we’ll move on
To Q&A because were’re running short on time bed please go ahead Dr s so you know my um 15y old he broke his phone so I obviously um told him I I gave him a little bit of piece of my mind and then I told him I’m not
Going to get him a new phone because it’s very expensive uh and I also told him that um he has to earn it back uh however what I’ve noticed is the past 10 days since the phone’s been taken away he’s a different child he’s a sweet wonderful communicative child he’s
Focused on the things that I always wanted him to be focused on and because he’s he’s been born into the age of technology I never realized how much the gadgets impact these children you never see their complete personality however he does have access to a computer because that’s the requirement of the
School so he’s able to access the social media blah blah blah now my question to you is what is the right I don’t want to buy him a new iPhone because it’s expensive and I want him to realize that his dad works very hard to earn this
Money and I just can’t buy him a new phone but he seems to be very dejected because he can’t communicate with his friends blah blah blah what is the right time where you you put your you know you you realize that okay it’s time to kind
Of give in the lessons been learned what am I supposed to do he’s acting wonderfully I don’t so what is well uh you see the the the one wonderful aspect that you are experiencing could have a different actually background but I I think that what we have to understand is
That uh phones are now an essential part of every grown-up or semi- grownup child it’s like I mean it’s like something which cannot be parted with it’s like it’s like oxygen as good as oxygen and if you deprive someone of oxygen you know he’ll suffocate it’s like uh water
For the fish if you take out fish from water they’ll be I mean just just I mean you know you know what’s going to happen so I think that uh if the accident has happened that he’s lost his phone uh so I mean it could be advertent it could be
Inadvertent but I think that uh uh the right attitude would be to have it replaced I would say as soon as possible and I think this is something which will build that trust and uh and friendship as well because uh you have replenished something which is not I mean as you
Said it’s not at all uh uh I mean it’s expensive you know that something that you have to do but I think that I mean there there are packages in which you can buy a phone on lease you can do it on installments there are so many things
Available so my thing is that uh because of the fact that phones have come to occupy such a cardinal position in the life of every person that uh to exist without a phone is uh I mean not just children look at us for us as well has
Become an indispensable friend or a four whatever you may call it so I think that maybe what you can do is that you have I mean buy that phone for for him and as a result maybe you can negotiate something with him but well your phone
Is coming back to you but you have to concentrate more on your studies and you give have to have a balance so I think what you can do is that uh enter into a negotiation settlement being have the upper hand because you’re providing that phone and
Uh I mean and and and and do what I mean what every parent would do and that is that uh you would like to uh at the same time warn your child what the pitfalls are and at the same time encourage him and as I just said to a previous answer
In a previous answer that you see at times this uh this extremity has to be I mean you have to encounter it to understand what the mean is so George Bernard Shaw if I remember correctly is has said this that it’s a very famous quote he said that the road to excess uh
The road to wisdom the road to wisdom leads to the palet of Palace of excess Because unless you know what is more than enough you cannot know what is enough the road to access leads to the Palace of wisdom Because unless you know what is more than enough you can so you
See there are things that you have to experience this is like this is something we have we all go through and that experience teaches and at times that experience does not even teach and this is how people people are sometimes they learn from experience sometimes they have to do that experience
Repeatedly and they still don’t learn but you see these are these are personality types God has not created everyone in the same fashion there are some people who learn some people who will never learn so you see you cannot you cannot Marshal around people you cannot I mean always regiment them you
Have to be a parent who is loving caring sharing experience and at the same time supporting your child even if your child takes a bad decision so he broke his phone out of carelessness and because he was upset about something it fell and it
Broke I did get him a phone but I got him a cheaper phone now obviously he goes to a school where you know he feels that he he needs to have an iPhone because you know it’s the school is a little affluent and he doesn’t want to
So I think I think that you should buy him a phone because you see the peer pressure that he might be experience experiencing it it tells on your nerves it has that pressure on your on child’s nerves and uh you as parents at times we don’t realize but uh because I do have
Contact with the younger generation a lot I do I have a lot of idea I would say that the extreme problem I mean the extreme pain I would say uh or discomfort they would suffer if they have a less than average uh phone uh and they interact with their children so I
Think it it it has a very bad effect on their psyche and this should not happen okay okay thank you so much Dr appreciate it akti please go ahead and then we’ll move on to Q&A sir sir as older parent I don’t find myself agreeing with your suggestion that we
Should always uh uh stay behind our children and make and tell them I’m behind you no matter what you do what if they start doing Haram things I cannot be and they they the 40s okay and then they start doing Haram things I cannot
Tell them I no matter what I I can I I can tell them what’s right what’s wrong I can uh without you know slapping them because they you grown up kids I can show my anger different way not talking staying away from them or trying to
Right I so that’s one thing second thing I realized that a big culture big cultural difference between you our culture that we grew up and the children they grew up and not education but was we were told uh that respect your parents respect your Elder this and that
Over here but I realized that my kids have gone to best university like you know jail and stuff and they both done Masters but they still they do not respect the parents or be quiet even against parents they don’t like the parents opinion they should be I think
They should be at least quiet they talk back to you so that’s uh that’s where I cannot find myself compromising I think uh this is this is a very very tough situation I understand but you see if you just uh have a view of what happens when you let go of your
Children and if you are you stay annoyed with your children and you always give them the look that well I’m not in favor of you doing these things so you see uh it’s not going to turn them away from those things it might make them even
More adamant uh on uh on adopting those things and uh drawing themselves away from your own company you see you need to understand that there is a loss that is that is uh that has to be understood here the losses of I mean you have to
Take the Lesser loss so a greater loss is that he the child might go away from you uh even a greater loss would be that uh he out of his outward appearance or outward mannerism might like you but inwardly he would start hating you and your own ego would be satisfied because
You know that your child is listening to you so this is a bigger loss I would say and a smaller loss is that if you tell them that well uh your life is your life I mean every person you see this is this is the charter of God God has given
Every person the right to live the way he would like to and uh you have a right to disagree and this is dis I’m not saying you don’t disagree you can clearly present a your disagreement but you see what is going to happen is that if you’re going to present your
Disagreement and also uh remain annoyed or angry or start meeting them less uh what’s going what is the end going to be the end is going to be that he or she is going to be become stronger in that negative commitment and uh uh ultimately the respect between the two of you might
Be compromised and also the fact is that any chance of reconciliation which could have been there had you been closer to them that would have have been lost so you see need you have to weigh that there are two types of losses which is the Lesser loss so that is how I think
Uh that is why I suggest to parents that you have to be practical in this regard and look at the scheme of life God has given every person the opportunity uh and the free will to do what he or she thinks the to be the case he’s going to
Call uh them to account himself and the parents are not going to be responsible for the Deeds of their adult children uh so I mean when you are in touch with your adult children in spite of the wrongdoings you have you still have a chance of winning them back you still
Have a chance to make maybe uh impacting them and making them understand that they have Tak taken a wrong decision but if you are always uh I mean annoyed at your children and the children think that my my father or my mother is never going to meet me or maybe they’re very
Very angry with me that is I mean that’s not the solution I would say yes at a younger stage when you’re angry at your younger children younger the the way you groom younger children is entirely different that could work but at an adult age this
Anger uh is more often than not going to I mean draw them away from you that’s what I feel more hurt than anger it’s more hurt you hurt that yes I know going you see that hurt actually translates to anger at times so you see that hurt you
Should not be hurt that’s what I’m saying because you see you have done your job your job was to to groom them when they were growing up now if they have turned out to be a different person look at what prophet NOA did he he lost
His child to the waves of the storm he tried to make him realize that he is going he’s rebelling against God uh he did not leave his child he did not show anger to his child he was more emotionally attached to his child and he
Said that well you are not going to be saved from the WTH of God so you see par uh prophets of God uh when they see that their children or their family they are drawing away from God or they have some which they don’t in any case condone
They become even more concerned they become even more affectionate this is what I have seen from the Quran so I think that uh this is one area that we need to maybe reevaluate and revisit thank you much thank you Dr slim we’ll take some chat questions first and
If we have any time remaining we may take questions from participants but we’re very short on time just to warn the participants so the first one asks um this person was looking after his father and um his father was some suffering from dementia and Alzheimer and during the many years that he was
Looking after him he had to scold him because sometimes he would act against his best interest and then the participant would feel guilty and seek Allah’s forgiveness um for scolding him is it okay and will Allah forgive him for speaking harshly with his parents especially if it never involved any
Personal selfish reasons well see it all depends on the situation I mean there are there could be situations in which if you are slightly uh I mean she slightly tough on your parent who is not a normal parent I mean as you said suffering from Dementia or Alzheimer is
Something which which strips off a person of his normal emot emotions so if you are slightly uh I would say harsh not harsh but you slightly more vindicative more more more dominant that mean that elderly person is more like a child now so he would listen to you without getting emotionally uh depressed
So if the emotions in any way I mean if the person is emotionally uh still in a situation that your bad or your harsh behavior is going to affect that the emotions and he or she would become uh I mean as you can see that no no parent
Would like to be scolded then yes this is something which should not be done I mean you should do you should adopt many other ways there are communities of people who live uh who who are given this this uh advice by those who who are passing through these circumstances that
How should we deal with with parents who have these diseases and they offer very good tips so that is what we should do but then as I said there could be exceptional cases in which an elderly person becomes like a child and if you are strict on that elderly person uh he
Does not realize that you’re being strict you he actually listens to you so in that case I would I would say that perhaps being strict could be something which is allowed but but once that person realized that my my child is talking back to me or using harsh words
Or saying something which I should do and I’m not going to accept it that is an area in which as I said uh there are communities who advise you how you can deal with your parents who are passing through these diseases without being without being impur to them you have to
Be respectful to them thank you very much Dr selem the next question asks um and unfortunately this participant’s father POS passed away a week ago and they’re dealing with a sudden you know shock of death and the father was supposed to marry them off and then the
Sudden death happened and they were very close to them so they’re asking you know what can they do and it’s hard it feels hard for them to resume their life without their parents I think it’s a question of accepting the decision of God and also realizing that this life is a place uh
In which this this is this temporary parting of ways and the biggest reconciliation that any Muslim has is that I mean he or she is going to meet the parents once again in Paradise if they do good deeds If the parents do good deeds and the children follow them
In these Good Deeds they’ll be United eternally in Paradise so this is like a huge assurance that they can think of and other than that obviously uh we I mean time is the best healer as we all know it is it does take time to enter
Into a new routine of course the father or the mother is the is the most integral part of a family and if any one of them goes away your life takes a very new turn but then this is how life is I mean this is how God has made us uh so I
Think it’s just a question of time realizing that this is God’s scheme and also realizing that this is not this is not the end of the world you you still have the chance to meet your parents in the next world thank you very much Dr s the next question asks what is an
Advisable age to let go of a child and give them more independ attendence is that about 12 or 13 years old I mean this there is no such uh age that can be prescribed in numbers as soon as your child is mentally mature and he or she
Has the uh ability to judge between right and wrong that is the that is the age it could be 10 it could be 14 it could vary from person to person you don’t fix these ages I mean it’s like having that mental maturity in which a person knows what right and wrong are
Thank you Dr slim for sure please go ahead and that’ll be our last question of the day uh it’s kind of related to the previous point I made because I was wondering if I uh uh decide to marry a girl who my parents do not approve of because of these religious reasons they
Have and they sort of emotionally blackmail me like we will not uh bless your marriage or we don’t we will remove you from our life this and that what is the right thing to do do I then choose for my parents or and accept this is
This is the life for me or do I disob disobey my parents and accept that I mean Baran you have to understand that if you exercise your own choice you’re not disobeying your parents this is not I mean obeying your parents is this is not the Ambit in which you need to obey
Parents obeying parents relates to their own rights this is your right this is your life so basically I mean I mean a choice that you can make here is the one that is entirely uh your own prerogative uh what you need to know is that if you
Take this step you would be absolutely correct as far as uh religion is concerned but maybe if you think that it will cause a lot of problems and this and that maybe you can settle for a compromise so that’s a choice that you that you have to make but what has to be
I mean absolutely clear before you is that if you if you take a decision then religiously this is would not be wrong this would not be like disobeying them because this is not an area in which Disobedience has been uh I mean in which God has said that you cannot be
Disobedient to your parents disobedience is regarding their own rights and this is your own right okay but it’s like um they are like I don’t know emotionally blackmailing me with things like yes that is what parents do this is what parents do that they’ll say that they’ll
Not bless you they’ll not be they not attend your wedding etc etc but it’s their own right and this is the a wrong attitude that parents generally adopt so if you I mean put up with this wrong attitude as I said without being harsh you can still be firm and and and polite
And you can go along the way that you like to do and if you do so uh religion is not going to say that you’re disobeying your parents I mean this this is your right okay so I don’t I don’t have to be afraid that God not at
All okay okay thank you very much thank thank you very much Dr selem for another great SE for another great session and for all these wonderful advices and thank you all to the participants for a really fun discussion segment it was nice to get a lot of perspective
Inshallah see you all again tomorrow in another session of textual study of the Quran and until then Asam
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